Part of this was written before the last post
Ok, we’re back again, but just for a few moments. We’ll add this note on the bottom of the other. I had eaten lunch with Rich and we’d read over the Blogger version (format) of the material above. In confronting myself … I’m thinking that we seem a bit like a gold digger. It took a lot of figuring though to get it all out on paper. I forgot about this other part that we’d written before hand. It was for us originally, and then for Rich, and then for Dr. Marvin, and then for CS. Basically, I want all the feedback on the ideas as possible. I’m not sure at this point, if Rich is reading through the material. He might just be saving it toward a future date.
In the last couple of days since last writing, we’ve talked to a few people. We got someone good for mortgage loan through our bank, and we have someone else we’re talking to about an alternate house also in Shorewood, that seems similar to the one at Shorewood Glen, but it seems perhaps less expensive and most likely a regular community not one for seniors. We had an appointment tomorrow with the mortgage person to check credit, but that was too quick for Rich. We have maintained our plan to meet with the Realtor on Saturday morning at 10 am to look at two models for alternative housing.
I’m not sure if the property is as well built as the first, but the second company is more apt to come down on price – already have – and they are more likely to add incentives. We’ll have to wait and see. I talked to Rich about going to Elgin to see a model of the two houses on Saturday and left it up to him whether or not he wants to go with. Most likely not, but if not … I’ll be off dreaming by myself most of the morning. It’s going to take about 75 minutes to get to Elgin. It’s where we used to live when we were still married.
Dear Connie Sue,
I figure it's been a couple days since talking, but we've been pretty busy of late. The attached is the note I sent to Rich this morning before work, then the lower part is the note I sent to Dr. Marvin. You are getting the next level ... for your information only. We're in general at a high frustration point or at least the family is with Rich's Mom ... the basics is that if we had a home somewhere between work and there place, we could do a lot of care giving by having them stay at our place during the difficult times. The house we're looking at is single floor and has one extra bedroom for Bud and one extra bedroom for his Mom. It's pretty obvious that Bud has to many anger issues to be dealing with this on his own. Rich knows his inheritance is $40,000. It's not a lot, but it's like a million because with it we could put down 10% on this house. Rich's credit should go through, and then it will be arranged it’s his house and I'm contributing $1000 a month to it.
There's more to it than that, but it’s the basic. Some of this was discussed with Dr. Marvin yesterday and some we thought of on the way home.
This is the place we are fighting for ... basically I see it as she can lose all the money paying for a nursing home or she can give rich enough to put for a down payment where she can live 0-100% of the time with or without her husband. Just think Rich and I can handle her frailness and alcoholism better than Bud ... want all his help but we don't need him so frustrated he is going to hurt her. Ya know?
But, yes ... part of it is just that I WANT THE HOUSE!!! It's really loaded :)
Write back when you can. I called mom and john yesterday will call them back today to ask them more money questions. I did ask if they had $20,000 lying around, but *sigh* they said they could do $2000. I turned it down yesterday, but not think it could pay the interest loss from taking the money out of CDs early. Maybe? We could grab the house that's built now for $330,000 and move in a month or we could build a foundation in March and move in July or August. I know you are going to see the money the same as me. It just feels practical. Ok, ya know that too
http://www.pulte.com/delwebb/communities/il/shorewood/shorewood-glen/plans/camden.aspx
love you,
Mi
Dear Dr. Marvin,
Yesterday turned out to be another tough day with Rich's Mom and Bud. Rich was really overwhelmed and angry, but we talked as he was driving home and then we worked on relaxation after he got home. It turned out pretty good all considering, but doesn't make the problem go away. The hardest part of yesterday was that Bud and Rich's mom got into another situation. He has spent a couple days there where he is there about 4 hours. The major incident yesterday was that he had taken her out for a smoke, and most likely she pressed, but she ended up in their vehicle instead of normally how it has been done where she comes out in a wheel chair and then has a smoke or a little more, and then goes back in. Because she was in their vehicle, she demanded that she have 3 cigarettes, and Bud said no, so then she refused to get out of the vehicle and it ended up in another power struggle. Bud manhandled her to get out of the car and in the process, she got a sprained ankle so has set back the course of rehab. Plus it adds doubt as to their level of being able to work together without the "abusive" nature that I've been thinking through. She is demanding and he is as hardheaded as her, but is not afraid to use physical and emotional force on her.
It's a very bad situation. Yesterday when we talked to you we talked about that something was going to happen because of all these variables, and that the situation would get worse before it gets better. On the way home last night from your place - I thought through this newer part of thoughts as expressed in the Loan information doc. Basically, the thing would be to set up a situation where we'd get the house, and instead of them having to move, we would gradually work our way into it by setting up their two bedrooms and bath, give them the keys and then as much as they could tolerate each other they could be together at their place, but besides the times we were working Rich and I could be having one or two of them over in sleep-over’s. That way they'd keep their independence as much as could be handled, but we'd all be graduating them over to getting our extra support. See thing would be that Bud wouldn't have to move out of their place as long as he independently wanted to be there.
I've got so many thoughts running through my head we're having a hard time keeping up with them. Read the attached doc and there's some more stuff put together more systematically over this morning early hours. Like we said after Rich distressed through talking on his way home, we mostly just put everything aside and let him zone out on TV ... while giving some massages both ways :) He's been up now for about a half hour and he's watching his fishy shows. That always seems to make him feel better.
It seemed in general the most doable that we make the transition to the place that's already built, because this situation is escalating so fast.
Rich's complaint at first nod was that moving is one of the most stressful things, but my thought is that we've moved before ... we'll do it again and if its taking off stress of caring for an elderly parent then it will in general be less stressful then if we didn't think through options like this. The other major obstacle is just thinking of how in general we are going to be able to maintain a mortgage. I think one of the advantages there is that Rich is paying down his second mortgage with an extra $1000 he's got coming in. He was then thinking of paying off his boat, but the thing would be that that extra $1000 could be the extra that goes to the new house mortgage ... as we calculated the costs this morning it looks like the mortgage, taxes, and insurance on a 30 year at 5.5% would come in at about $21000 per month. He'd get tax credit and we'd be giving half of that money. The new house is in good condition and should come with appliances so that would be putting us in a pretty good situation as to immediate needs. There would be the extra $7000 to work through closing costs, a couple of new beds and hopefully the cost of fixing the one long garden room to be smoking adequate.
Hmm, we've only got about 10 minutes now and we're going to need going through the getting dressed for work part. I've been up working through stuff since about 3 am ... I'll probably nap before Rich gets in tonight. He's got a game and won't be in until late. You know I range in the normal problems. I had been doing good getting work done, but then with this kind of stuff my mind keeps rubbing over it trying to figure things out. Just that's the way my minds work. *Sigh*
Probably should try to get myself emotionally ready to slow down some to get back into the regular schedule. I have a couple calls that I will be doing today. One is to the place out in Shorewood. And, then the other is back to my Mom and John. I want to run through some numbers with them.
Whoops gotta go ... was looking for a few moments about the extra stuff in the house ready to go. It's really a nicely packaged house. Ok, that’s it then ... has a nice day ... hopefully we'll be able to focus on some work today too.
*sigh*
Our love and adoration,
Mi
loan information
loan amount $300,000
interest rate 5.5%
%
term(years) 30
property information
property price $333,000
let the system estimate property taxes, hazard insurance, and private mortgage insurance yes no
annual property tax $3330
annual hazard insurance $999
monthly private mortgage insurance $130
Principal and Interest $1,703.37
Monthly Insurance $130.00
Monthly Taxes $277.50
Monthly Hazard Insurance $83.25
Total Payment $2,194.12
yearly mortgage payment
Year Beginning Balance Interest Payment Ending Balance
1 300000 16399 20440 295959
2 295959 16171 20440 291690
3 291690 15930 20440 287179
4 287179 15676 20440 282415
5 282415 15407 20440 277382
6 277382 15123 20440 272065
7 272065 14823 20440 266448
8 266448 14507 20440 260514
9 260514 14172 20440 254245
10 254245 13818 20440 247623
11 247623 13445 20440 240627
12 240627 13050 20440 233237
13 233237 12633 20440 225430
14 225430 12193 20440 217182
15 217182 11728 20440 208469
16 208469 11236 20440 199265
17 199265 10717 20440 189541
18 189541 10168 20440 179269
19 179269 9589 20440 168418
20 168418 8977 20440 156954
21 156954 8330 20440 144844
22 144844 7647 20440 132051
23 132051 6925 20440 118536
24 118536 6163 20440 104259
25 104259 5358 20440 89176
26 89176 4507 20440 73243
27 73243 3608 20440 56411
28 56411 2659 20440 38629
29 38629 1656 20440 19844
30 19844 596 20440 0
Cumulative values
Rental assumptions
Monthly rent payment 900
Monthly renters insurance premium 15
Annual percentage rate increase 2%
Purchase assumptions
Purchase price of home 333,000
Percentage annual appreciation rate ?
Amount of loan 300,000
Percent annual interest rate 5.5%
Term (in years) 30
Annual homeowner’s insurance premium 210
Annual property taxes 278
Annual maintenance cost 178
Other assumptions
Number of years for comparison 30
Marginal tax bracket 20%
We would save approximately $122,236 (in today’s dollars by renting, rather than buying a home over the 30 year timeframe, but if we rented, we would not have anything invested. $122,236/30 – This is an additional $4075 per year or an additional cost of $340
Analysis
Rent and fees 445,438
Mortgage payments 613212
+ property insurance 6300
+ property taxes 8340
+maintenance 5340
+opportunity cost (equity) N/A
+tax savings 65,518
+appreciation N/A
= total cost 445,438 567,674
Difference ($122,236)
CD information
Income and debt obligations
Current combined annual income 10400
Monthly auto payments 900
Other monthly obligations 6000
New Loan Assumptions
Annual interest rate on new mortgage 5.5%
Term of new mortgage (years) 30
Funds available for a down payment 33,300
Estimated annual property taxes 3336
Estimated annual homeowner’s insurance 2136
Including your down payment it appears you may qualify for home valued around $333000.
Concerning the CDs. Making some assumptions such as their $80,000 CD is in for 5 years, and assuming an interest rate around 3.25, and assuming that the interest is withdrawn and not reinvested – they probably couldn’t be making any more than $250 a month … this might need to be checked. This would be the interest on 80,000, though only half of this amount is being considered. The penalty for early withdrawal is usually between 3-6 month interests lost, but sometimes they can be given a waiver by a personal banker if it is an emergency situation such as providing alternative housing for someone in your mom’s condition. There would most likely also be an addition in income for the year, but not be as much for them because their income level is low and some might be a gift? I don’t know, I will talk to John (Mom) today to verify this information and to ask about how much of a tax hit they would take. John’s an accountant. Mom and John have offered a couple thousand dollars to help. We could give that money to Bud and your mother to compensate their lost – and that would give my folks a feeling of helping too.
Again, as we mentioned last night the idea would be to not threaten your Mom and Bud with having to move, but we would have more options in as many stay-over’s as is necessary, until the day they may or may not decide to live with us. By that time many of the bugs would be worked out with us all having more contact and lasting through evolving changes. Bud would be given a key to our house so that he might come over at any time with Mom. If we were there – Bud could leave her – including overnights and weekends. We would establish right away that Bud and your Mom would each have their own room and bath – beds set up so that they can stay anytime overnight that they would like. Bud would also be given full access to do whatever work or conversions in the basement area. This way we can help them and Bud and her could take breaks from each other – thus reducing pressure. We can also help – as may Bud by getting her to AA meetings. That might be a condition – which she has to try. I understand that you are going to try showing her how fruitless her move to another nursing home might be, and we’ll see what happens in that situation. Bud and she can choose to sell or keep their place as long as they can. The cost of having our place (semi-resort and sitting ;) is that they have only half interest payment ($125 instead of $250).
I don’t think this is going to be easy, but I believe it will be less stressful if we can contribute our time and space to Bud and your mom. We can work through the processes of independence without demanding dependence on them … we can take them just when they need the help. Your mom is going to go through problems whether they are alone or with help in the nursing home, with Bud, or with us. But, of the 3 – we’re the strongest in the group. We also have to remain cognizant that as well-meaning as is possible for nursing home staff – it’s a tough situation to trust her care when they are underpaid, overcrowded and overworked – plus then add your mother could have a negative effect on strangers because of her demanding.
Optimally, Bud would be able at minimum to handle during the days, but if care needed down the line to be given, it would be easier from our place. Plus Sr. has always been helpful in assisting people with time constraints, so that maybe we could both work 1 or 2 days at home – one at a time to stay with your mom or sometimes on same days to share the ride. We would also have to find a psychiatrist to assist your mother with her depression and drug withdrawal. Likely some medicine would help to keep her calm, like my anxiety medicines help us. It would be a lot less stressful if you can feel you are helping, you could do it from the comfort of your home – so as to be working from there or catching sleep if woken at odd times. You can also more easily share me with your Mom so I can help, like now I’m helping by looking for alternatives because I know you are stressed with the emotions of having your mom go through these things. When we’re both relaxed we can transfer information from both sides and you can have better knowledge and stress relief to make the decisions or encourage them with your folks as needs to take place. I don’t mean to take anything over though I do want a house. I see mostly that helping your mom and bud is going to improve the quality of our lives if not just out of empathy over the aging human condition. I’m sometimes sorry that I’m so analytical, but this is part of me and I’m offering you this as part of the deal. I know you think there are a zillion things … but there’s probably only about 650 or so … so we can work through those one at a time like we’re going to work with your mom one hour at a time when necessary. One more thought while we’re at it … It might be good for the three of us to go to AA meetings for partners so we can all learn how to handle the enabling.
So in the meantime, we could purchase the home that is already built and be ready to move in 30 days. We would ask for $40,000 from your Mom and at 10% down, we would have 7000 left to help with immediate needs in moving and or setting things up like in preparing the smoking room and purchasing a couple of beds. Everything else would have to be status quo.
Hmm, if this works right - click on Title link to see pictures of the hoped for house.
Wow. We seem to be missing some time … Today is the 21rst of January and I don’t think we’ve written since the 6th. At least that was how long ago we posted. I thought we were writing more, but about the last time it seemed we were just dealing with having two computers down. Now we have one computer back up, but the big one is out. And, now we’re behind the 8-ball in that the printer stopped working and Rich said officially we have to call someone. Sister is at a doctor’s appointment for the time being and we’re going to be leaving about 12:45 pm to work with Rich and others at his charity poker game.
I know … it’s not a real rough day … that’s how we are playing those cards. Rich just came in and were trying to be inconspicuous. Hopefully he’ll stay busy at least until lunch. He might go over to the poker place before we do. I know we’re going to have to go in separate cars. He’s got the entire game which will go 2 pm to midnight. He’s got me on a short shift with Bob from 1:30 to maybe about 3 pm. But, he’s not sure of all his workers so he’ll probably have me come back if he doesn’t get enough volunteers. I’m supposed to get some sleep in the meantime. I sure hope he’ll call me instead of trying to tough it out short-suited.
Wow … there is a lot of things that have happened since the 6th. I might attach here a couple of documents we wrote … I guess this will then explain the majority of what happened. Wait a sec.
Ann Ludford Garvey January 19 at 8:34am
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner Hi! It sounds like you are really having a hard time. The younger parts want one thing yet the older ones are trying to rationalize how to remedy the whole situation. I want the best for you. I can't fix anything but let you know I understand your frustrations.
I was thinking that Rich is really the one who needs your understanding the most. He has everyone’s well being at stake. Please be patient with the house situation. Buying a house right now is really a major project. I don't know how much he can emotionally handle. Be there for him; try to reduce any extra stress by helping him with anything you can. He loves you so much.
It may sound a little silly but make sure you are taking care of yourselves, I worry about you all.
Connie Sue
Good morning.
Thanks for the reassuring. I'm putting this one on the private message communication. Maury left a note saying he doesn't mind hearing this kind of a message, but it should have been done in private. I'd have to agree that you telling the world I should be more patient with the Rich situation is toward too personal. It's like telling all my friends that I'm not handling my relationship.
That being said this is probably my fault because I usually put a personal blurb about myself daily on FB. I know that you are just looking out for my best interest. And, I'll take it as that.
As to those comments - I agree that Rich has a lot on his plate. I think my point though was to figure a way that would work for him and me and also work for his mother and Bud. I talked to his mother yesterday and we discussed a few things that I knew would come up. We have to see where things fall next. She has a staffing with the nursing home on Thursday. Rich can't be there because its the day he organized a poker tournament for the center and it goes from 2-midnight.
I think the mother has to go through her options too. Right now she wants to be home, so we spent more time talking about the anger levels and the yelling between them and how to make it safe. She confirmed again that Bud's been pushing her physically when he gets upset. She would also have to think through giving up half her life savings - although she'd give that to Rich in her will - she would need to feel it a safe thing that we don't take the money and then not give her a place to live. I discussed that point with Dr. Marvin last Thursday, because I had carried the argument in my head to that point knowing that it would be asking for a lot of trust on her part. I asked Dr. Marvin if there was a way to assure her legally that she'd never be thrown out, but she had a friend in the same situation and the niece did that to her. He couldn't come up with anything at the time too. There should be some kind of penalty - like needing to give them the money back if we were not going to have her live with us. As to the pushing part ... I've seen that on my own and I try to communicate to Rich about it. But, you talk of being overwhelmed - he's in denial that Bud could do wrong, because then he'd REALLY have to step in and do more as to relieving pressure between them.
I think she'll talk it over with Bud and most likely they will hold on to the version they have of trying to work it out in their home, but then there is the next step. She did mention staying in a place like grandma had, but that would take them selling the place and Bud moving into a small place with no property. He's a real collector and fixer upper so I don't think he is going for that any time soon.
I believe she was appreciative of the conversation and that we'd offered this to both Bud and her. Nobody else has done this much for him - even Bud's daughter and son who mentally could take at least Bud in. She had asked me too if Rich and I couldn't get a mobile home like them and we told her that I'd had much higher hopes, which included two extra rooms for her and Bud. So, we mostly left it there.
She'll need time to talk about it and Rich will need time to figure out being able to afford a house. We've been talking about him being so negative in that everything is can't or won't. I see things as lets just talk to a few people and see what's offered and what's available - so that's our separate places.
In the meantime we're working through arguing too loud. It happens on a daily basis - but then so does the massages and other good things *angel wings* It's hard when he takes a position ... believes he's right and doesn't consider that in a relationship its 50-50. In his mind he gives more than half because in chores he does more ... so that's another situation that has to be worked out. It's sort of like with you and Mark in that people like Dani think that Mark is doing way more than you. You have to be in a relationship to see all the give and take.
So that is about where she is at right now. I did spot another place that is just building that isn't for older people and I made contact with them yesterday. It would til July-August again to be built, But, they are offering it for $230,000. I'm pretty sure I'm going to find out though that like the place I've been looking at ... started at $260,000, but by the time you add the options ... it's way higher.
We'll see ... things like this take a lot of working through ... even if we don't get a house for 2-5 years if ever ... you need to start at one point and build. Rich's point is that he doesn't want to think of anything, but then anything includes like we said not considering danger of his mom or her being in the nursing home with poor care and harsh living conditions. He did find out he thought that insurance was going to take care of that time from 21-100 days so that gives the situation more breathing space.
Anyway that's about how things are going. Catch up with you again soon.
Love,
Us
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner January 19 at 9:03am
Good hearing from you! It is great that you were able to talk to Rich's Mom. The hard part for anyone considering a move is downsizing. Uggghh,if Bud is a collector, eventually someone will have to reduce his stash. Doesn't sound like Bud will be rushing to it. Too bad Chicago is so far away. We have a place called Cedar Community. They have all levels of living for seniors. Starting with Ranch style homes, apartments like grandmas, residential care depending on level of care needed to hospice care. The whole concept of helping seniors stay as independent as needed. You "buy" the homes or apartments from Cedar Community but have to sell it back to them when you leave. It is the kind of place I want to go to. I doubt if I will because I hear independence is expensive.
You two need a getaway weekend. I know prob won't happen w/your schedules. His parents are fortunate to at least have someone interested in their wellbeing.
Ann Ludford Garvey January 19 at 8:37am
Nah that was the thing about the mobile home ... he wouldn't have to get rid of his until he was ready and to help the transition is a 2400 square foot basement. That gives him plenty of room to play. And, in the process if we had our place, we could take one or two of them over for sleepovers as much as they felt comfortable doing. Better to start now while we are learning about each other and how to live in the same space. Another nice thing is that we'd open the house for visiting so Bud could always have his kids over. It would be something that Rich and I would have to accept. It be a lot nicer for them to entertain here. Rich and I would make in our bedroom suite a couple of comfortable chairs and a TV in case we needed some private time - and the other nice thing is that the bedrooms have closet and bathroom space in between so that would help with privacy.
The thing too is level of care. They would still be responsible whether at our place or one you are talking about CC, especially during the times we're at work. But, I think that is a good thing as long as they can do it. As to minimal living - living in a mobile home is pretty much there. I don't think at regular nursing homes you get the kind of care you need as to anything real personal - that which you might see at a hospital level. The thing there though is when one or both of them got to that level - it would cost each 1/2 their savings - which is the amount Rich is supposed to get of his Mom's $80,000. She was very clear on that and as I figured, Bud's kids get to split 5 ways the land and home.
I was really surprised that neither Freddy nor Karen was making plans to have people move in with them. They seem to check in on Bud often enough and are always over for holidays and celebrations. Mom said Karen's husband (house-husband) would say absolutely not! I don't think Freddy has the space. And, they both got kids.
I think we'll find out a little more on Thursday. Even if they volunteered over the money for a down payment, they might think I'm being extravagant on houses and we'd still have to convince Rich he could afford it. Another option since as we explain before the situation with Rich's ex. It could be worked out that he pay the money back to his mom if she sold the family place, but then again that money is coming back to Rich anyway. It be better to take down our mortgage more.
This morning I printed out about 30 pages of both of our credit details - I had the bank's mortgage company do it. I've only got a 620 score and Rich has about 742. There's notes on the sheets as to things we should be fixing, so my way of looking at it is that we should be fixing things whether we move or not. Both of us are working on money spent and saved. I gave Rich the sheets this morning when he got to work, and he scanned them a couple of moments before tucking them away. I know he will look at them further, because he's good with that kind of stuff. I might get him to talk to the mortgage person as to the part where the mortgage person said he could help Rich and I make the sheets better. To me even if we didn't get the house it would be part of a plan. He'd have to be real strong on Rich as to the house - his and his wife's. He said that Rich should have had it written up so that she got a new mortgage and got his name off the title. He said he could help her with that - but, it's always an arm wrestle with the two of them.
Thing is if he did it that way ... he could get about 40,000 back on a 1/3 of the property after paying for the mortgage remaining and the 2nd mortgage and that was if the house only sold for $300,000 it should be more, but in this economy who knows. So, he'd have $40,000 clear, no name on an existing mortgage or 2nd, and he'd be off the old mortgage if his wife decided not to pay it and drag down both their credit. The wife would get about $140,000 because she's not responsible for the 2nd mortgage. That's a lot of money ... she could downsize the 4 bedroom home that she didn't need and make it her own place - perhaps a condo. Right now she's paying $1500 mortgage from a $3000 alimony. But, with that kind of big money down, she could lower her responsibility significantly and tailor her new place to fit her needs and housekeeping responsibility better. She'd make a bundle just by not having to pay for shoveling and grass cutting.
I think where Rich's mom is thinking of a place near her that does like your CC is that she'd have to do it on her own because Bud's not ready for that kind of place, and she'd be doing it more because she's fed-up with Bud and being married. I think she's enjoying somewhat being away from him - though they catch up on arguing when he gets back. She knows though that they will be married until the very end. *sigh* If she invested in that place, Rich and I wouldn't be able to help her as when she was living with us - without major disruption to us - like if one of us were taking turns in living with her in a place that wasn't ours.
She really shouldn't be left on her own due to her sight and fragility, but she made substantial progress in going out on her own now with a walker for her smoking time. WooHOO!! They are feeding her more too so she's looking healthier, she was getting gaunt.
I know you are probably thinking by now we're crazy, and yes obsessed. But, that's the way it goes. I know that you also are concerned that we are taking care of ourselves. But, this is the best thing in the world FOR taking care - is setting up for us a future that we can be very happy with. I think I know like you do that while moving and closings are a chore - I've done it about 30 times in my life and I got it down pretty much to a science. As to closings I've been through about 8. It's all days that come up and go - and you just move on. It doesn't have to be traumatic. Just got to have enough boxes and tape and point to the movers where it goes. :) :)
our best,
Ann Marie
Just a few notes this morning.
Good morning. This is me. We’ve got just a half hour left, so this isn’t going to be a very long post. Rich is now up and said his next game is going to be 4:30 pm on Saturday. I forgot what it was like to give up all this time to him working the ball games. He’s into the basketball season now, but is just starting his year due to injuries. He had a game last night and the night before.
It’s about 6:24 am now. I’ve just come out of the shower, taking my medicine and packing my lunch. Rich has got soft music on in the background and Maury had come in about an hour ago. He headed to bed and should be up around a half hour. He had a volleyball game last night and then was going out to a drinking/game night in Rosemont. Yes, we read his Facebook.
Joe and Cari took down their walls from my view so I guess I can’t figure out through that what they are doing. *sigh* Have to let that go. Connie Sue doesn’t seem to be doing much on FB either. Well, then neither am I! Well, maybe, maybe not. We’ll see.
Last night was a sleepy night. I got home and ate a sandwich or at least part of it – and mushrooms, and then I fell asleep and then when I got up I ate the other 3”.
Then I fell asleep before and after Maury got home. I remember him leaving and thinking there was no reason to be up. I think we got a call from Rich somewhere in there. We had known he wouldn’t be home until 10 pm. He had the game, then was doing something and then he went out to dinner with Chris. I remember something about him saying we could lie down in the bed, but we were like … we like you to tell us to go to bed and when YOU tuck us in.
That’s about what happened eventually.
This morning we woke up with a bad dream. We were following Spock and someone in a car – we being myself, my former brother-in-law and his girl. They wanted to go play in the park and I think we were following … I know Sean from our old JVS job and Spock. But closer to the river, we didn’t turn as fast as we should and we drove over an embankment of snow and then it collapsed under the water. That was terrible. Brian and his girl had gotten out, but we were still in the car trying to hold the front part out of the water and from letting it drift down a ways.
I remember that I was telling them they were going to have to call Rich. We were scared he was going to be mad. But, Rich said we had a conversation with him where we explained our situation and I think we were asking him if he was mad. He said we decided he was nice, because he wasn’t getting mad. I don’t know how all that turned out, but I’m thinking we got up to use the bathroom and start our day. That was a good thing.
Just checked out a few things. I noticed that Rosemary Talbot is no longer on my friend list. I noted it because Connie Sue just added her as a friend. Hmm, I hope I didn’t do anything wrong. Who knows. Rosemary is an old friend of the family.
Her husband was my Dad’s best friend. They were neighbors as we were growing up so they knew the family well and my mother and such, but they stuck it out with my father and Sandy until the end. I guess I hadn’t been doing anything with her personally, so we’ll have to say ehh, on this one. Hmm?
Good good, we just dropped a note over at CS’s place. We talked to her the night before last and she seems to be doing ok. We’re going to need plugging in our gizmos at work and then maybe try to contact her again tonight on the way home from work. We’re trying to maintain, but I think sometimes we’re pretty drifty.
We did some work yesterday at work, especially in getting the part taken care of where we get caught up where the DSPs aren’t officially credited for being trained.
The guy we ended up talking to was real nice. He repeated over and over that if we had any questions or problems to assure that we get a hold of him. He was really nice. I guess he had gone through a lot of work with disabilities. He was trained also by DORS after he’d lost his leg. I thought that was very nice of him to say something that personal. We eventually told him about our moderate ability in being able to recall and the part of our dissociative identity disorder. He was very very understanding. I would like to get to know him better, but for now the thing is to just catch up from where we need to be going.
I’ll look at that again today.
We told sister about the call and she seemed relieved that we’d made some progress.
I’m hoping to put in a productive day this morning. We can’t spend too much time doing the personal stuff. It just seems we got to hang close to it or otherwise we feel we’re going to be way too overwhelmed. Today is Wednesday so we’ll get to see Dr. Marvin tomorrow. It’s been a while and we’re looking forward to it. We have nothing special to talk about, but sure am going to appreciate sitting with him in the office and just talking. We miss him very much when we aren’t able to see him.
Ok, ok … let’s not get too nostalgic. Point is that it’s about time we go to work again. Better be getting this posted and then get into some work clothes. We’re not going to panic, right? Things are going to be ok?
Tuesday morning ... nothing unusual
Good morning. We’ve been up for about an hour, but we’ve been fooling around. I was listening to some funny stuff on a channel I didn’t know about before. I think it’s called “Current.” There’s a lot of lampooning especially of the news. Good stuff.
I also stopped by at Facebook. I found that Maury had left a picture of us online. It’s this one.
Hmm found this picture too … Maury got a tattoo
It looks pretty red. There’s this one part of me that’s not as much a mom that says it looks pretty tuff! But then the Mom part worries … could that be infected? Did he use a clean needle? Did it hurt? Well actually Maury confirmed it does hurt … so that part isn’t so cool, but what’s done is done.
AHA! Maury already responded to the comment I left on his FB about Tuffy. I asked him if I could put a picture of his Tattoo on my FB. I’m not sure what he’s going to say. We’ll see. I have to think about how I would frame it in. Funny to think he’s still up. It’s about 5:10 am and he only went to bed 4-5 hours ago – IF he slept at all.
“Maury got a tattoo ... wow! he didn't mess around. I would have never recommended it and it looks like it could have hurt, but I have to admit as far as tattoos go, this one is pretty tough looking and sharply drawn - no pun intended! It's a pretty threatening symbol ... yes he was born an Irish Scorpio! Yeeks!” FB comment.
Cool, cool. Maury let me put the Scorpio tattoo on my FB. Just keep looking at it and how threatening it looks. This is the kinda stuff that might cause me a nightmare! It looks like he went out last night and stayed over at a friend’s place. He’s going to come home before going to work. He has to change. Maybe that’s a clue then … I better get in my shower. I don’t want to mess up Rich or Maury’s schedule and it’s already 5:32 am. BRB.
Good, good … I finished the shower and medicine and such. It took about 18 minutes. Missy was pushing everyone this morning. She wanted me to wake up Rich too, but he has 7 more minutes to sleep, so we’ll give him his dues. Vickie and Deb commented already on Maury’s tattoo. I came then in the middle of their comments, yes I too wouldn’t do this, but yes I too think it’s cool. It fits his arm really well with the tail curving around the shoulder and the claws and pinchers curving around his upper arm. Ok, ok … we’re not going to over-fixate here, right?
Next?
As to yesterday it was a pretty normal day. I started off slow and ended slow, but got some work done in the meantime. Sr. was giving me things to do. The part I got done was the staff schedule for the state inspection. Today I’m going to need to do something for the staff that are not registered. I also have to finish up the State book. It shouldn’t be too hard, just needs focus. I should also make it a goal to be working on an annual a day – that plus save some time for CARF. There’s more, but I think that’s the top of my list.
Last night, I talked to CS on the way home. It appears that my headphones work, though I should be making sure they are charged. I think I’ve got to plug them into the computer. They seemed to work pretty well. I had no trouble hearing her and she seemed to be hearing me. Rich said they wouldn’t work, because the microphone wasn’t extended out, but built into the headphone frame. But, it seems it will be ok.
If only I could have a nickel for every comment made suggesting something negative from someone who thought they knew and then actually didn’t. I don’t know why people try to warn you about the worst, but I’m sure I do this too. *sigh* I guess we all want to be nay-Sayers?
Hmm, if I went to work right this instance, I could travel in 8 minutes on the expressway at 54 mph. Pswhoo! Just I don’t want to do that. Yeeks! Go to work early? Hmm, speaking of … better go wake up lover lips!
AHA! Our baby is up! It took some good snugglin and then we didn’t want to give it up. But, we knew if we didn’t then he wouldn’t and that he does better when waking up at the times he schedules himself for. We have his coffee waiting for him now.
He’s up to the washroom part. We’re moving it along. Pretty sure he’s going to turn the channel. We don’t have too much on right now. If I were being a good Ann, I would pick up here a bit, but I’m not in the mood. I still have a scratchy throat. I think I’m going to take some Dayquil.
Good good. We just watched with Rich an episode on TV about a female troop on mission to drive oil and gas 100 miles through Iraq under fire. Yeeks … and if I think I got it rough! They are doing top 20 news stories and they are on 15. The next one was a relative of the Bush family. Ahh. We can let that one go.
Last night we came home and ate, but we’d forgotten to stop at the sandwich place that Rich had given us money for. I had been talking to CS and I hadn’t thought that far ahead, so she helped me go through the cupboard that had 12 soups, but no beef-a-roni. Bleh! Not fair. We did discover we had spaghetti sauce and cold pizza. That about did it.
I fell asleep before Maury got home, and he went right away to the computer so that when I got up there wasn’t anything to do because he had my computer and chair. I never want to shag them off though because I like it when he is around. That is my good Mom side
I think I fell asleep again before Rich got home. He gave a call 15 minutes ahead of time. He wanted to say a few things about the game and that he was stopping off at Bob’s to give him a paper he needed. That didn’t take long.
I’m not sure if I remember much more. It seems like one of the last few nights I went to bed before Rich told me I had to go, but last night he might have told me because we were falling asleep. Not sure. I woke up about 4 this morning and that’s about that.
Ahh … we had a fruit cup … that was good. We had the cherry one. We’re a little out of sync in that Rich hasn’t gotten the tortillas for our peanut butter/cinnamon sugar. *Sigh* Ok, life isn’t really bad … it just seems a little tough. Whoops there goes my “Current” channel. He said … who put on this channel? I guess we’ve moved over to the fishing. *sigh*
It’s about 6:30 am now so we have almost a half an hour. I think he’s going to take his shower before Maury gets back in a half hour, but he is trying also to figure out his day. He’s got his computer up.
Ok, lost it to looking up old friends on Facebook under our class of '77 from Blaine Sr. High. It's a really awesome means of connecting. But, Rich is reminding me its past my work time. Better get going, hmm?
First day back to work, but still ruminating over the weekend
Good morning. This is me again. I’m sorry for all the confusion with the last few posts. I had some entries in Connie Sue’s computer, some in Rich’s and some in mine. I think I’m still missing one that was supposed to be in Rich’s computer, but he’s already gone for the day WITH his computer.
I think he had a very busy day ahead. It’s about 6:15 am and he left about 15 minutes ago. He was going to have a quick cup of coffee with Bob, then go to the hospital, then sneak in a couple of meetings along with going to St. Rose. Then to top off his day, he was going to do a basketball game tonight. Yeeks what a day!
I’m missing the one entry that was done on Saturday morning where we had just gotten to the hospital. So, I don’t want to say too much about that because I will repeat, but then again … it’s the primary thing on our mind. Last night we stayed until about 6 pm about the time Rich’s Mom was being awakened to eat. By then the other family members had gone. All in all Freddy and Karen came back and Karen had her daughter. I think her son and one more brother was in. There was also another neighbor – the one that was going to take Bud home today.
It was a very big visiting weekend. I’m very glad I was there, but as seen from a couple other posts, I did my share of getting into trouble. Mostly it was with Bud, because we were being too pushy, but then again … yesterday he’d gotten into a pushy mood himself and tore me up for being … forgot the word, but it basically means lazy. Ok, yes we are. There will need to be done more on this account, but we’re not sure how the day will end up. The point would be that I change my ways and become physically healthier, but I don’t at least at this moment want to be goaded into anything.
Ok, we took our medicine and shower and haven’t made lunch or gotten dressed, but we’re at least half way there. Maury’s here this morning too, but we don’t expect him up for another 45 minutes about the time we’re leaving. Rich reminded us that he wasn’t able to warm up our car so that we should allow extra time for that. Oh yeah … we also started up the dishwasher. If I was real ambitious I would do the cat litter too, but right now we’re going to let our stomach settle … it’s giving us a little problem. Probably much too much strange hospital food YEEKS!
Hmm, more coffee. I don’t know what to think in general about Rich’s Mother and step-father this morning. They just hang in my mind as something that needs support and assistance, but they are in varying degrees of whether or not to accept all that. They both want to be independent although not all should be totally on their own. Nobody is going through their fridge to throw out the old and moldy stuff and their place is underneath dirty. Karen yesterday went past Bud’s directions. He said that she shouldn’t do anything because she worked too hard already. He named all the things she’s responsible for. But, then when she and her daughter Katie got to the hospital, she listed out all the things they had done while over at Bud’s.
They took care of the really needed wash from soiled clothes that needed to be done, but they scrubbed a whole lot more and did the floors and her son did work on shoveling and salting.
Bud’s been told when he went home today that he wasn’t to leave his house. He and his doctor have different judging results as to whether underneath the house where Bud likes to work should be off-limits. It is exposed to the elements on several sides and has no heat … so it would likely seem to be not IN the house, but Bud mostly lives down there where all this pneumonia stuff could have started. I don’t expect him to be practical, because in his mind just sitting around the house is being lazy and he wants none of that. He sees some stuff in front of him, but the stuff he doesn’t like he will let go.
I don’t know the general conclusion to his thoughts on his daughter going through the place and/or also thinking that it needed work. When I’d said the day before the place could use a housekeeper then he had been insulted. He’s just not seeing the dirt and grime. On the surface things are pretty much picked up except there always seems to be a lot on the counter, but the small U-shaped kitchen is where Rich’s Mom spends all of her time. I haven’t seen her very often make use of the living room, but I imagine she must be in there sometime.
Hopefully, Rich will get Bud’s permission to speak to a social worker today. I think Rich was starting to see how little control he had over the situation, in that most of it – as to his mother’s situation was being handled by Bud and his daughter. BUT, we talked to the ICU nurse yesterday and she said that as long as Mom is coherent, she will be able to make her own decisions. That also meant that after she was over the DT part that those delusions wouldn’t be held against her as Karen was implying. It’s always hard when someone without a background speaks as if her word was the end result. I’ll wait for a social worker anyday.
Rich didn’t seem to get too mad at me for being involved in family politicking. He spent most of his time being with his mother and sometimes with Bud, but mostly his mother. I think he want to believe Bud and his family wouldn’t do anything against the mother, but I see how protecting Karen is with them. She was saying yesterday that there were several instances where his Mom called the police on Bud because he wouldn’t give her the alcohol. The way Karen explains – her mother pushed Bud and he was the victim of her.
I’ve heard from the mother that she is the victim of Bud. Rich doesn’t like to hear any of this because he is depended on Bud for taking care of his mother. Yesterday he seemed to listen to what was being said by me and today he’ll go in as in a secondary son role to see how he can help the situation given it will most likely not be his decision on what happens. Karen has a lot of the deciding part because her father depends on her for support. She’s strongly opinionated and will do what it takes to “protect” her father.
I’m not saying that in any means – that it would be easy to live with an alcoholic and Rich’s Mom IS an alcoholic. But, Bud is an enabler – as might also be Rich. I might not be any different, but we’re outside decision making. It would be easier if Rich had the strong kind of conversations that Bud’s daughter was having with me, but then when we asked did Rich know about the police incident or more, she said she didn’t know. For someone who is taking that kind of responsibility and not contacting Rich directly … then that’s not quite fair to Rich and or his Mother.
She needs an advocate and Karen can’t be mutual.
To be fair I think she tries to do the best she can for both, because she realizes for some odd reason or another Bud and Rich’s Mom love each other. That part really has to be expected, but if there are all these problems the daughter is saying there is, then maybe her Dad is not the one to be taking care of her.
BUT, then we get into the financial parts. Rich’s mom can most like stay for at least 21 days, but it’s unsure of how long after that. The nurse in the ICU didn’t think there was a cap on the number of days she could stay at the nursing home, but she thought it would be more up to Rich’s Mom than Bud. But, I think if its left up to her and she acts out, then Karen will push to claim she’s incompetent to be taking care of herself.
If they could do it for awhile where she could be in the nursing home without losing their bank roll of $100,000 then that might be a better situation for both for awhile, but most likely the Mom will push to be out as soon as she can – more for her own needs than the needs of Bud. Right now they are living off the interest of that money and if that were gone, then it be a question of whether they could continue owning the mobile home and property. I think both sides agree that this should continue as long as Bud is around and able to care for it. It is HIS home as well as Mom’s. We could see though her being in a nursing home WHILE Bud stayed at his place. I don’t know if she could really be away from her cigarettes and kitchen.
Both of them vie for feeling worthless if they didn’t have their kitchen or for Bud his fixing of things to be taking care of. I think one thing that wasn’t mentioned before was if the family either one or more could take care of owning the property for them, so it wouldn’t be taken away in case the nursing home wanted to claim it.
That’s a thought worth pursuing. I think Karen is dealing with the same as to her mother owning a home and the three brothers living there. The Mom is close to death and they have needed to negotiate it so that it won’t be lost to the brothers. I’m not sure of the details and how they plan to handle it.
Ok, for now though … it’s my time to sparkle. It’s time we go to work and see what’s up with all that. Hmm?
Left-over from Monday the 28th
Good morning. This is me. It’s now about 10:30 am on Monday morning the 28th. I don’t think we had a chance to write yesterday, but we’re good this morning, in that we’re in the car with Rich headed up to my sister’s and we have some free time. I made sure Rich knew that he took priority anytime he wanted to talk.
Hehehe just like now … someone called who he didn’t talk to, but we reminded him we didn’t talk to Bob yet. So that’s what he’s doing now. He’s setting up his bachelor life. Rich wants Bob to look at putting new eyelets in his rods. I think he’s looking forward to me being gone to get ahead with his data entry, work on rods, and do something with the adaptive PE. Oh and then his Bob project so that would include dinner and Ballies.
I guess that’s another example of Rich coming first. We’ve been talking a bit about stuff in particular. Part of it being Rich’s worrying over Bob. And, then it got more casual like about stuff we were passing and such. I think he’s done talking for a bit. We’re about an hour and 15 minutes away. By the look of his computer, Rich has picked up about 3 minutes. It’s a few moment to 11 am, and we’re expected in about 12:20 pm. We just crossed the WI border.
We should say something with the time we’ve got about the events of the last several days.
I have got to think whether or not we mentioned what happened yet with the girls and Maury coming over. I don’t think so … last time I remembered writing they were just getting to the house, so the events I’ve got on my mind now is having them over, and then going out to meet Jill and Dawna, then we woke up to a very big mess left over from the grandchildren and then we went to breakfast with Joe and then we went to eat at Rich’s Mom’s with Bud, Mark, his two daughters Brandy and Crystal, one of Bud’s kids Freddie, and then Rich’s kids – two at least Jill and Jon. And, then last night’s event is that Rich and us drove Jon home and that was a 2 ½ hour one-way trip.
This morning we got up and got through me still having a headache from last night and then we picked up a bit for Rich in the living room and then we packed up and here we are. We got on the road about 10 am. We have called CS so she knows when to expect us. We should be going out to eat lunch. It will be interesting to see if she’s maneuvered it so others are there – as to Nate and Dani. I guess I feel it’s about the same as when Bob invites his kids. It just adds way too much an element so that we’re not talking directly to the adults I mean to be conversing with. I do love my nephew and I’m appreciative of Dani and Bob’s kids for that matter, I’m just going to have to get over the generational thing.
Thinking about it now I think that in my Dad’s day, he would have been glad to include all generations and to some degree it was expected, but back in his day – the kids part didn’t take ALL of the priority of conversation and such. Like when Maury is around and we’re talking … a lot of it is his interest and to some degree that includes when his kids are around. When his kids are around, I tend to favor the grandchildren because I think in general kids need a lot of attention. Maybe I’m still treating my kids that way even though they are fully grown. Just think they need attention. Sometimes though when we’re going out to dinner or such, I like to be able to talk to people who are at about my level of interests.
Anyway, one way or another we’ll see about dinner. I would like Connie Sue to say – if she is inviting extra people when we are treating … if its ok to include others.
I think that parts just polite.
I’m hoping that I can be polite too. Sometimes we get grumbly and that’s no good.
We’ll have to work on it. Rich says that we should focus on the part of us being their to help CS. I know that’s important so I just have to try hard. Please remind me if we are getting off-track, ok?
Ok, so as far as the celebrations along the last couple of days … I had a very good time throughout and I couldn’t say one event was that much nicer than the others.
You know I have a spot in my heart as wide as Texas for the granddaughters – so I guess that does pull a little extra weight.
Isa has got the cold, so that made her a little more sweet in that she really did need some good hugging time. Fortunately about that time Ame was able to settle down too though she pulled over some more attention because somehow or another, she needed some really good tickling. Then Isa needed some too and we were off to the racetrack. There were so many good moments, but that moment was absolutely spectacular!
Rich had gone out of his way to make some extra special chocolate chip and marshmallow pancakes. I’ve told a few people about them, but he’s still getting credit for that move. Isa didn’t eat because she wasn’t feeling well, but I think everyone else appreciated the gesture. Maury was surprised I’d never had chocolate chips in my pancakes, but I guess I had been living a sheltered life. Maury saved Isa a piece of bacon and sure enough a little later she had a piece of that. Rich was now just saying that everyone likes bacon. Eh … I didn’t know.
We did the gift opening part first and it played out real close to how we’d outlined it the other day. I was disappointed though in how long it took to thread the bobbin … there is the casing, bobbin and two other metal parts that hold the other’s together. It took way too much time away from actually sewing on the machine. Ame and Isa both got in a little time, but it wasn’t as much as I would like. In between things, Maury and Rich tried to make Isa’s $20 machine go to no avail and I tried to keep the grandaughter’s happy while we were working on the bobbin. Both Maury and Rich helped and eventually it was Rich that got it in. Good for him. Now we just gotta figure out how to do it all the time … part of that might be to tip it so everything stays together before you can lock her down. Sheesh! Very poorly designed.
Yuck that was a bad part. The people from Dell called and we gave it to Rich and he went through a thing with them. They wanted payment on the 18th, but Rich agreed with them to pay on the 20th. And, then they said there was insufficient funds, making Rich think they tried to take it out early, but then she had to call back because they had the wrong account number, but we don’t have the checks now with the right number on them and Rich refuses to let them take it off the debit card, so now there’s something hanging over our head, but things seemed more calmed down. I think it’s ok, just emotions got ruffled. By now we’re about 33 miles from CS and it should take about 40 minutes more. So, I guess we’re getting somewhere, but not as fast as we should be making it.
Harder now to go back to the grandchildren. Gotta refigure out that space. Maybe we won’t go back there so directly. Hmm, anything I am in the mood for now? Hmm, I did want to say a little about meeting Dawna when going out with her and Jill. We went to the Mongolian place that Rich had taken Jill and thought that Dawna would like. I wasn’t over crazy about it, but after Rich reminded ONE of us how to do it, we ran through the course quickly just so we weren’t standing around. It was hard for us to be with strange people in the buffet style setting. It was also hard for us to choose things like meat that was raw. We chose only one and then filled it in with minimal vegetables and sauce. After the meal we ordered an ice cream sundae with caramel and we ate about half of that. I was the low plate of the group, but it seemed everyone else was happy so we were all good with that.
The big deal was in meeting Jill’s Dawna. I liked her from the first glance. She has a very warm and welcoming face. She looks in control of herself and is a sharp dresser and speaker as is Jill. Both of them had on black jackets and they looked pretty hot! I don’t remember now a lot of the conversation. The one part I will always remember is getting a couple hugs from Dawna. I had been the first one back to the table, and then Rich, so I made sure to tell him what a really, really good hugger Dawna was. And, then later when they were about to leave, I got another hug and then said something to the girls out loud about how nice it was. I think they were pretty smiley and I’m pretty sure that Jill agreed with us.
It was all in all a little unexpected thing to have happened, but nonetheless it was what it was. Sweet! In general, I felt very comfortable throughout dinner and I think things went back and forth between everyone pretty even. I think Rich hung back a little in that the conversation with females was going pretty quick. But, I think people still focus on him as being the “chief” of attention given. I think everyone wants to make sure Rich is comfortable. At least me. He told one story that was a little longer, and I remember looking at him proudly thinking how far he has come in accepting not only his daughter’s sexual preference, but that she’s so far away. I really appreciate the ground covered by him. Good Rich!
Whoops too close to CS now gotta go, but we’ll continue this later, k?
Another day at the hospital ...
Good afternoon. This is me. We’re back at the computer and it’s 1:15 pm. We’ve been here for almost a couple of hours, but Rich’s mom is still sleeping. Rich said that I should probably hang out here in the small waiting room and work with the computer, but Rich’s step-niece was in for a bit and we were talking about this and that. It was great fun. Maybe we’ll run into her again. She seems a lot like us in that she’s kind of a loner, is going to go out for volleyball, would like to play the piano and plays the clarinet very well for her age. She’s almost 13 and is in the 7th grade. Wow that says a lot in itself.
Rich is not with his mom – we just checked. I’m imagining he’s with Bud’s kids down at Bud’s room. Bud is going to be discharged tomorrow. He might have gone today, but he wanted to stay with his wife as long as possible and he was still having breathing problems from his pneumonia. I think we all met about the same time. One of Bud’s sons had said he was coming in for the football game. I think the Bears play around noon. So, I’m pretty sure that’s where Rich is too. I think he would have wanted me to …
Well, ok it’s me again. It’s about 4:12 pm and we’re still at the hospital. I figure it’s going to be about 7 or 8 before we leave.
As to the general course of the day … it’s been pretty nice. After the conversation with Katie, then her Mom and uncle came down and we all chatted for a bit, and then the visit included her husband, and then we went in to visit Rich’s mom and then I must have been in with Bud and then with his mom and then with Bud again, and now this time Rich’s mom is sleeping, so he’s in there and I’m back in the waiting room where it is more pleasant. It’s not as warm, it’s light and the chair is more comfortable to balance the computer. Also my drinks are close to me. I think sometimes too it’s nice to walk out of the rooms just for a change of pace. Likewise it’s nice to walk back into the rooms for THAT change of pace.
The walk into Bud’s room the last time was the toughest. Not because Bud is sick, more because he’s obvious getting better and he has quite a bit to say. I think it might have been a trap! First he said he was saving his carrot cake for me and then … well to make the longest argument short, he told me I had no gumption. To that I had to say … you’re right! I would much rather be lazy and do the fun stuff like writing, reading, and quilting than the harder stuff which would be to take more responsibility for my health. He named something that Vince has been on me for years. They both say I should just do stuff rather than think about it. Then he challenged me by saying what’s your excuse going to be tomorrow.
Yeeks. At some point because he had taken it to a level there was no way to comment back – I said something like why are you picking on me? He said well, when you came in you said how are you? And, now I’m doing the same. At which point I think I got a big silly grin and said ohhhh, I see. Invariably it was like remembering – hey that guy DOES care about me. That was one of the arguments. Too often I say to myself, I don’t care. It didn’t go well by saying it was part of my depression. Freddy injected a line something like … that’s not going to matter he’s old school. I knew the instant he said it … that it just be another Ann trap. Basically, Ann couldn’t use the “I’m sick card.” Sort of like saying next to bud, so did you wake up this morning and say it was going to be a bad Ann day? We tried to keep our sense of humor which is hard when you are on the hot seat. He explained he doesn’t get mad at anyone. So, trying to keep things as honest as we can, we stopped arguing and just fell back to our comfort level.
Basically, his neighbor walked back into the room and I took my earliest escape!
Well, I did stop to kiss Bud on the head and I said thanks for caring, I’ll be back. Hehehe I think I’m getting more out of this weekend than others. I’ve now been schooled by Bud.
In-between there was another nice conversation. Bud got a call from his brother out East, so I was talking with Freddy. He asked me a couple questions that were more personable. He had a pretty good opinion of stuff going around at the Prykop’s. He knew of the general situation with Rich and me and him being now divorced and the situation with the three kids. So, he looked into some more questions. He asked about how old the boys were, so I told him and gave him a little idea of what they were doing, and then he asked a great question for figuring things out … He asked how Rich and Us had met.
I told him that I’d been a client at a place he had worked and that he was a manager and he had hired me because of computer typing skills and that I’d rose through his ranks and then somewhere in there we’d started a relationship. We explained the part of having told my boys 12 years ago about us, but we’d just met Rich’s kids. We also explained the part of Rich letting me raise my family as I might and I tried to stay out of the way his family operated, but that I listened to the outside of conversations and talked about his family as he would allow it along the years.
There was probably much more to it, but that was the gist of it. I think that Freddy was curious, but I think that part of it is just interested and I’m hoping he’s interested because truth be told, I am like a part of this family now. That would make me incredibly lucky, but somewhat shy and vulnerable. I’m getting to know a lot of them, and they can compare notes in getting to know me.
I found Freddy to be nice the other times talking too, but with our memory we don’t remember much. We remembered when we first saw him yesterday of the story he had told as being a policeman and on Christmas there had been an accident and someone was cut in two. That story has stayed with me. I think I can be on the hot spot with Freddy, but being on the hot spot with Bud is tougher. Freddy is more mellow and a little smoother around the edges. Pswhoo. I need some slightly fluffier stuff! There’s nothing fluffy about Freddy, but it still feels softer. With Bud sometimes it’s like being interrogated … you know what I’m saying. And, then I think yes I know what you’re saying, but I think I’m going to hide under the rock over here hehehe. Well sorta like that.
Rich is being very patient with us. We told him yesterday about the conversation we’d had with Karen while Bud was playing with Katie in a game of cards. I’m not sure if we told you that part in writing, but briefly it was another situation where Karen I were talking and then later we were told by Bud that we were being pushy. This was after he’d stopped the situation between Karen and me by saying that I was asking too many questions. I wasn’t sure which questions had bothered him because Karen and I’d talked quite a bit without Bud saying anything. The next thing Bud said was that he considered that I was insulting.
Wow … that one took me back. Each time I’ve been this weekend in a situation with Bud one of his kids were there and in this one situation so was his granddaughter Katie who is almost 13. I’m not so sure of that situation, but in general I’d like to think there is safety in numbers. I don’t feel as if people are necessarily going to think less in knowing me, but internally we always have those doubts. It’s probably better for the group of them to talk and I’ll hope in general to be on their better sides and they won’t come to a joint conclusion not to like me. There’s nothing to say they are or are not like this, but I think in any set of relationships there is a bit of testing and you and they are trying to ascertain is this person trustworthy, is he or she someone I would like to get to know.
I consider in general relationships to be tricky and maybe even a bit suspicious. I think that in general people are meeting their own needs, taking care of their family, and then after that maybe there’s space to take in and understand leftover people. I know I’m feeling serious in my desire to know the family, though I have mixed feelings to know if everyone is working in everyone’s best interest. I think in general males are most stable than females. I think females generally have to carry the burdens of self-esteem troubles so we question our loyalties more.
Like when I talk to Karen I think that she loves Mom and had always tried to be fair, but in the same mindset, she’s already got a Mom and she has only one dad. It would seem natural then for her to protect his interests more so than hers if anything came to push and shove. Today she told me more about situations that she seemed not to tell Rich where his mother – Rich’s pushed Bud in the chest and was so verbally abusive, they had to call the police. I think there was a situation where Rich went with them … maybe to calm down. The daughter also stated that Bud has on occasion slept at her house instead of with Mom, and then later he’s called to see if things were calmed down and has then returned to home.
I don’t think Karen understands why Mom and Bud love each other, but she trusts that they do. I think though because of Mom’s drinking and angry personality believe their dad to be in a victim relationship. I don’t think it’s to Mom’s benefit that when Bud gets in trouble he calls Karen or other of his kids, but that Rich’s mom doesn’t necessarily have anyone to back up her interests. It’ a tough deciding point though in that if she is an alcoholic and isn’t being responsible, then is Bud being responsible, or perhaps he shouldn’t be in that he’s the one that will get her booze for her. Maybe the best that could be said is that they are in a dependency relationship and its complicated by the booze.
Now its going to be a new situation in that she is going through detox and will walk out of here to the nursing home and between the two won’t be enabled with alcohol. Given that she becomes very angry when not pacified by it, then it’s a question of what to do. Financially it would be very difficult for them to be in a relationship where she’s staying at the nursing home. Both Bud and his daughter and Rich think that if she were to stay, the state or home would deplete the money they have in savings to survive. I’m thinking that room in the family could be made for Bud, but that they wouldn’t take in Mom, especially when they are still helping their Mom – Bud’s ex-wife. She’s near death and they are doing their best to see that situation through.
Mark is out of state with his work, so if his Mom were not living with Bud, or able to be afforded at the nursing home, that Rich and I would have to move into another apartment with a first floor, but then we would have to change our work situation to handle the extra costs. I don’t think we can afford that, but would naturally do it if it were the only alternative for his mother. Rich has stated in the past that her best care comes with Bud and that would be naturally the best situation for both of them, but neither want to give up enough of their independence to get the help they really need to help with the alcohol, or care needs. Bud, wants to think he can do it all and he’s worked heroically to that end, but the thing is that that kind of helping relationship puts burdens on each of them – and some of them don’t appear safe. I didn’t like or haven’t liked that I’ve seen Bud be mean to her or hit her or snap at her, and I don’t like that she’s complained of being hurt by him and that he is abusive.
It would seem optimal to have someone caring at the middle stages so they wouldn’t lose their home or personal relationship which might happen if she were more than temporarily in a nursing home.
I’m the last person in this entire situation that has anything to do with anything.
But, in the range of my social-psycho analyzing, I think about this all because I see it and wonder
Still Friday at this point ... more to follow
Hi. It’s me again. I’ve done most of my tasks. I cleaned or picked up the kitchen, bedroom, bath, and living room and folded clothes. Rich is now vacuuming, and then we’re done except I gotta fix my hair and put on my shoes and socks. Oh, and set the table. But, I didn’t want to do that until after Rich finished with the floors. I think I’m responsible for the stuff on top and he’s responsible for the stuff on the bottom.
We just argued for a moment although we’d been all nice to each other all morning. He tried to get a hold of either his mother or Bud, but the nurse picked up her phone because she was sleeping and it seems that Bud has been taken down to the emergency room by recommendation of their doctor. He felt really bad last night and we think he’s also got pneumonia.
The argument between Rich and us was that I thought he should call his daughter Karen and Rich thought he shouldn’t worry her. I argued that if Bud is waiting down in emergency that the daughter would want to know, but Rich is being very stubborn and controlling. He said he would decide whether or not to call her after they find out what’s wrong. I think that’s terrible logic and the daughter has a right to know and do as she might. I know she’s very protective of her father. Rich hates being contradicted. He doesn’t like to allow there is another line of thinking.
But, this is nothing new to him or him and us. Just that each time I get soooo frustrated.
I think as to New Year’s resolutions that I will make one to get through so that Rich and us don’t argue so much because we differ opinion, but he gets his voice raised, feet set in, and he’s whiny. I just hate it when he does it. He can see his mother is stubborn or other family members, but he just can’t see what he’s doing. Mostly that there should be room to discuss.
HMPF! He just tried to tickle me on his way through the living room and we pulled back. I didn’t feel in the mood. He’s feeling better and we’re still upset. We told him he’s just so stubborn he’s like dead weight. There’s got to be a better way to get through this with him. I guess we better save some Dr. Marvin time for figuring that part out too. HMPF!
Ok, we’re back. We feel a little better now. We fixed the silverware Rich got the both of us for Christmas and then we set the table, and then I fixed my hair and then I put on my shoes and I must have done very good, because I found on the counter 6 loose mini-marshmallows. I’m pretty sure Rich and I like each other again. Cuz there was some smooching in there too.
He’s fussing around in the kitchen. I told him I was going to go in the living room and distress so I wouldn’t wreck things up. He said he could find stuff for me to do, but he didn’t know right off hand and I know him enough by now to realize that when he’s in the kitchen … best to stay away.
I had woke up after him and hadn’t cleared my head yet, but when I went into the kitchen, he was peeling apples. We reminded him that that was our job, but he said we’d been sleeping and then we said we could help, but he said in a half-hearted grumpy look for the peeler that I was too late or something to that affect. He never found the thing, and he’d gone back to peeling them with a knife, so we went back to the living room and laid down until we discovered that we weren’t really tired, but had just wanted the comfy feelings of being covered up.
But, then we thought of all the stuff we could be doing in either sewing or computer and we decided to go the course you know now through our writing.
Just a few moments of New Year's Day!
Good morning … this is me. This is going to be a short note, because it’s already 9:48 am and Bob and Marsha are due over by noon and we haven’t finished cleaning yet. Rich had been making dinner – he’s doing turkey, dressing, pecan pie and everything! I’ve taken my shower and my medicine and so now we’re just resting up giving it a chance to work before we start picking up. Just a couple hours, so I shouldn’t be here too long.
I think we’re just going to put down a brief outline. First is that I’m really happy to get back to my keyboard and be pressing the magic keys. I missed it while I was gone to WI. To be fair, we did have my sister’s laptop to use and that was pretty nice. I’m glad because I didn’t have my netbook fixed yet. It’s got viruses. Something happened to hers though while we were there and it wouldn’t do Internet Explorer, so I put flock on her computer and forgot to tell her … or, maybe I avoided it. I don’t know if I did something wrong for her not to be getting IE.
We should let her know today.
We had put before Rhapsody on her computer and she says she’s been using it so I’m glad she’s able to get something from that.
I think we’ve been keeping pretty much up with what’s happening in WI. I feel bad that I can’t make a better deal of things when I’m up there. I want things to go well and be helpful to her, but I’m not used to that level of manipulation. We have mixed feelings about what she’s doing and saying and needing, because her behaviors often contradict each other. Sometimes I wonder if she doesn’t have a bit of multiplicity too.
We’ll go more into the experience of having been up there later on after everything is back to normal. Well, more normal. Things should be discussed with Dr. Marvin.
I’m sure the trip up north is going to be a big part of our next meeting.
Yesterday, we had a very nice ride back to our area with Rich. We held hands most of the way and we massaged his arm a lot to keep circulation going through. We were up and talked through quite a bit of the trip. He let me get rid of some of our implosive feelings after having been up north. He was being pretty understanding, but mostly like ok, let’s get back on track with our normal life. We didn’t talk too much about the kids, but we talked about what had happened with his mother. She feel and fractured her rib, broke her wrist and got pneumonia. It’s an awful lot for someone her age.
We went straight from WI to the hospital and we spent a couple hours there. We relieved Bud who Rich thinks may also have pneumonia. He seemed in pretty bad shape and said he hadn’t slept for 48 hours. We’re hoping he got some rest last night.
We’ll talk more of the conversations later of his mom, but she in general seemed to get better while we were there talking. Rich let us do most of the talking with her. He stood in the background and then sat down in the reclining chair and listened, but didn’t have too much to add. We asked questions and then his mom did most of the talking. I think it was very good for her. She kicked us out about the time she was going to be eating dinner. We felt good in that she asked the nurse to help her sit on the side of her bed to eat.
I think too it was a good meal for her because she had cottage cheese and fruit.
She had been complaining that they hadn’t been salting her meals.
I worry about her because she talked at the beginning about not having the will to go on. I really don’t like when she talks like that, but it’s understandable she’d be a little down about this kind of thing. We think she was much better after talking for a while. We made sure she knew that she didn’t know us enough to let her go. She said that I make her Rich happy so that’s all she has to know. She couldn’t have said something much nicer.
Hmm, better get going for now though, Rich just got up to do something in the kitchen. We’ve only got 2 hours to get things in shape. BBL!
