First day back to work, but still ruminating over the weekend
Good morning. This is me again. I’m sorry for all the confusion with the last few posts. I had some entries in Connie Sue’s computer, some in Rich’s and some in mine. I think I’m still missing one that was supposed to be in Rich’s computer, but he’s already gone for the day WITH his computer.I think he had a very busy day ahead. It’s about 6:15 am and he left about 15 minutes ago. He was going to have a quick cup of coffee with Bob, then go to the hospital, then sneak in a couple of meetings along with going to St. Rose. Then to top off his day, he was going to do a basketball game tonight. Yeeks what a day!
I’m missing the one entry that was done on Saturday morning where we had just gotten to the hospital. So, I don’t want to say too much about that because I will repeat, but then again … it’s the primary thing on our mind. Last night we stayed until about 6 pm about the time Rich’s Mom was being awakened to eat. By then the other family members had gone. All in all Freddy and Karen came back and Karen had her daughter. I think her son and one more brother was in. There was also another neighbor – the one that was going to take Bud home today.
It was a very big visiting weekend. I’m very glad I was there, but as seen from a couple other posts, I did my share of getting into trouble. Mostly it was with Bud, because we were being too pushy, but then again … yesterday he’d gotten into a pushy mood himself and tore me up for being … forgot the word, but it basically means lazy. Ok, yes we are. There will need to be done more on this account, but we’re not sure how the day will end up. The point would be that I change my ways and become physically healthier, but I don’t at least at this moment want to be goaded into anything.
Ok, we took our medicine and shower and haven’t made lunch or gotten dressed, but we’re at least half way there. Maury’s here this morning too, but we don’t expect him up for another 45 minutes about the time we’re leaving. Rich reminded us that he wasn’t able to warm up our car so that we should allow extra time for that. Oh yeah … we also started up the dishwasher. If I was real ambitious I would do the cat litter too, but right now we’re going to let our stomach settle … it’s giving us a little problem. Probably much too much strange hospital food YEEKS!
Hmm, more coffee. I don’t know what to think in general about Rich’s Mother and step-father this morning. They just hang in my mind as something that needs support and assistance, but they are in varying degrees of whether or not to accept all that. They both want to be independent although not all should be totally on their own. Nobody is going through their fridge to throw out the old and moldy stuff and their place is underneath dirty. Karen yesterday went past Bud’s directions. He said that she shouldn’t do anything because she worked too hard already. He named all the things she’s responsible for. But, then when she and her daughter Katie got to the hospital, she listed out all the things they had done while over at Bud’s.
They took care of the really needed wash from soiled clothes that needed to be done, but they scrubbed a whole lot more and did the floors and her son did work on shoveling and salting.
Bud’s been told when he went home today that he wasn’t to leave his house. He and his doctor have different judging results as to whether underneath the house where Bud likes to work should be off-limits. It is exposed to the elements on several sides and has no heat … so it would likely seem to be not IN the house, but Bud mostly lives down there where all this pneumonia stuff could have started. I don’t expect him to be practical, because in his mind just sitting around the house is being lazy and he wants none of that. He sees some stuff in front of him, but the stuff he doesn’t like he will let go.
I don’t know the general conclusion to his thoughts on his daughter going through the place and/or also thinking that it needed work. When I’d said the day before the place could use a housekeeper then he had been insulted. He’s just not seeing the dirt and grime. On the surface things are pretty much picked up except there always seems to be a lot on the counter, but the small U-shaped kitchen is where Rich’s Mom spends all of her time. I haven’t seen her very often make use of the living room, but I imagine she must be in there sometime.
Hopefully, Rich will get Bud’s permission to speak to a social worker today. I think Rich was starting to see how little control he had over the situation, in that most of it – as to his mother’s situation was being handled by Bud and his daughter. BUT, we talked to the ICU nurse yesterday and she said that as long as Mom is coherent, she will be able to make her own decisions. That also meant that after she was over the DT part that those delusions wouldn’t be held against her as Karen was implying. It’s always hard when someone without a background speaks as if her word was the end result. I’ll wait for a social worker anyday.
Rich didn’t seem to get too mad at me for being involved in family politicking. He spent most of his time being with his mother and sometimes with Bud, but mostly his mother. I think he want to believe Bud and his family wouldn’t do anything against the mother, but I see how protecting Karen is with them. She was saying yesterday that there were several instances where his Mom called the police on Bud because he wouldn’t give her the alcohol. The way Karen explains – her mother pushed Bud and he was the victim of her.
I’ve heard from the mother that she is the victim of Bud. Rich doesn’t like to hear any of this because he is depended on Bud for taking care of his mother. Yesterday he seemed to listen to what was being said by me and today he’ll go in as in a secondary son role to see how he can help the situation given it will most likely not be his decision on what happens. Karen has a lot of the deciding part because her father depends on her for support. She’s strongly opinionated and will do what it takes to “protect” her father.
I’m not saying that in any means – that it would be easy to live with an alcoholic and Rich’s Mom IS an alcoholic. But, Bud is an enabler – as might also be Rich. I might not be any different, but we’re outside decision making. It would be easier if Rich had the strong kind of conversations that Bud’s daughter was having with me, but then when we asked did Rich know about the police incident or more, she said she didn’t know. For someone who is taking that kind of responsibility and not contacting Rich directly … then that’s not quite fair to Rich and or his Mother.
She needs an advocate and Karen can’t be mutual.
To be fair I think she tries to do the best she can for both, because she realizes for some odd reason or another Bud and Rich’s Mom love each other. That part really has to be expected, but if there are all these problems the daughter is saying there is, then maybe her Dad is not the one to be taking care of her.
BUT, then we get into the financial parts. Rich’s mom can most like stay for at least 21 days, but it’s unsure of how long after that. The nurse in the ICU didn’t think there was a cap on the number of days she could stay at the nursing home, but she thought it would be more up to Rich’s Mom than Bud. But, I think if its left up to her and she acts out, then Karen will push to claim she’s incompetent to be taking care of herself.
If they could do it for awhile where she could be in the nursing home without losing their bank roll of $100,000 then that might be a better situation for both for awhile, but most likely the Mom will push to be out as soon as she can – more for her own needs than the needs of Bud. Right now they are living off the interest of that money and if that were gone, then it be a question of whether they could continue owning the mobile home and property. I think both sides agree that this should continue as long as Bud is around and able to care for it. It is HIS home as well as Mom’s. We could see though her being in a nursing home WHILE Bud stayed at his place. I don’t know if she could really be away from her cigarettes and kitchen.
Both of them vie for feeling worthless if they didn’t have their kitchen or for Bud his fixing of things to be taking care of. I think one thing that wasn’t mentioned before was if the family either one or more could take care of owning the property for them, so it wouldn’t be taken away in case the nursing home wanted to claim it.
That’s a thought worth pursuing. I think Karen is dealing with the same as to her mother owning a home and the three brothers living there. The Mom is close to death and they have needed to negotiate it so that it won’t be lost to the brothers. I’m not sure of the details and how they plan to handle it.
Ok, for now though … it’s my time to sparkle. It’s time we go to work and see what’s up with all that. Hmm?
posted by Ann Marie @ 1/04/2010 06:49:00 AM
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