Just catching you up to our latest house wishes
Hmm, if this works right - click on Title link to see pictures of the hoped for house.Wow. We seem to be missing some time … Today is the 21rst of January and I don’t think we’ve written since the 6th. At least that was how long ago we posted. I thought we were writing more, but about the last time it seemed we were just dealing with having two computers down. Now we have one computer back up, but the big one is out. And, now we’re behind the 8-ball in that the printer stopped working and Rich said officially we have to call someone. Sister is at a doctor’s appointment for the time being and we’re going to be leaving about 12:45 pm to work with Rich and others at his charity poker game.
I know … it’s not a real rough day … that’s how we are playing those cards. Rich just came in and were trying to be inconspicuous. Hopefully he’ll stay busy at least until lunch. He might go over to the poker place before we do. I know we’re going to have to go in separate cars. He’s got the entire game which will go 2 pm to midnight. He’s got me on a short shift with Bob from 1:30 to maybe about 3 pm. But, he’s not sure of all his workers so he’ll probably have me come back if he doesn’t get enough volunteers. I’m supposed to get some sleep in the meantime. I sure hope he’ll call me instead of trying to tough it out short-suited.
Wow … there is a lot of things that have happened since the 6th. I might attach here a couple of documents we wrote … I guess this will then explain the majority of what happened. Wait a sec.
Ann Ludford Garvey January 19 at 8:34am
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner Hi! It sounds like you are really having a hard time. The younger parts want one thing yet the older ones are trying to rationalize how to remedy the whole situation. I want the best for you. I can't fix anything but let you know I understand your frustrations.
I was thinking that Rich is really the one who needs your understanding the most. He has everyone’s well being at stake. Please be patient with the house situation. Buying a house right now is really a major project. I don't know how much he can emotionally handle. Be there for him; try to reduce any extra stress by helping him with anything you can. He loves you so much.
It may sound a little silly but make sure you are taking care of yourselves, I worry about you all.
Connie Sue
Good morning.
Thanks for the reassuring. I'm putting this one on the private message communication. Maury left a note saying he doesn't mind hearing this kind of a message, but it should have been done in private. I'd have to agree that you telling the world I should be more patient with the Rich situation is toward too personal. It's like telling all my friends that I'm not handling my relationship.
That being said this is probably my fault because I usually put a personal blurb about myself daily on FB. I know that you are just looking out for my best interest. And, I'll take it as that.
As to those comments - I agree that Rich has a lot on his plate. I think my point though was to figure a way that would work for him and me and also work for his mother and Bud. I talked to his mother yesterday and we discussed a few things that I knew would come up. We have to see where things fall next. She has a staffing with the nursing home on Thursday. Rich can't be there because its the day he organized a poker tournament for the center and it goes from 2-midnight.
I think the mother has to go through her options too. Right now she wants to be home, so we spent more time talking about the anger levels and the yelling between them and how to make it safe. She confirmed again that Bud's been pushing her physically when he gets upset. She would also have to think through giving up half her life savings - although she'd give that to Rich in her will - she would need to feel it a safe thing that we don't take the money and then not give her a place to live. I discussed that point with Dr. Marvin last Thursday, because I had carried the argument in my head to that point knowing that it would be asking for a lot of trust on her part. I asked Dr. Marvin if there was a way to assure her legally that she'd never be thrown out, but she had a friend in the same situation and the niece did that to her. He couldn't come up with anything at the time too. There should be some kind of penalty - like needing to give them the money back if we were not going to have her live with us. As to the pushing part ... I've seen that on my own and I try to communicate to Rich about it. But, you talk of being overwhelmed - he's in denial that Bud could do wrong, because then he'd REALLY have to step in and do more as to relieving pressure between them.
I think she'll talk it over with Bud and most likely they will hold on to the version they have of trying to work it out in their home, but then there is the next step. She did mention staying in a place like grandma had, but that would take them selling the place and Bud moving into a small place with no property. He's a real collector and fixer upper so I don't think he is going for that any time soon.
I believe she was appreciative of the conversation and that we'd offered this to both Bud and her. Nobody else has done this much for him - even Bud's daughter and son who mentally could take at least Bud in. She had asked me too if Rich and I couldn't get a mobile home like them and we told her that I'd had much higher hopes, which included two extra rooms for her and Bud. So, we mostly left it there.
She'll need time to talk about it and Rich will need time to figure out being able to afford a house. We've been talking about him being so negative in that everything is can't or won't. I see things as lets just talk to a few people and see what's offered and what's available - so that's our separate places.
In the meantime we're working through arguing too loud. It happens on a daily basis - but then so does the massages and other good things *angel wings* It's hard when he takes a position ... believes he's right and doesn't consider that in a relationship its 50-50. In his mind he gives more than half because in chores he does more ... so that's another situation that has to be worked out. It's sort of like with you and Mark in that people like Dani think that Mark is doing way more than you. You have to be in a relationship to see all the give and take.
So that is about where she is at right now. I did spot another place that is just building that isn't for older people and I made contact with them yesterday. It would til July-August again to be built, But, they are offering it for $230,000. I'm pretty sure I'm going to find out though that like the place I've been looking at ... started at $260,000, but by the time you add the options ... it's way higher.
We'll see ... things like this take a lot of working through ... even if we don't get a house for 2-5 years if ever ... you need to start at one point and build. Rich's point is that he doesn't want to think of anything, but then anything includes like we said not considering danger of his mom or her being in the nursing home with poor care and harsh living conditions. He did find out he thought that insurance was going to take care of that time from 21-100 days so that gives the situation more breathing space.
Anyway that's about how things are going. Catch up with you again soon.
Love,
Us
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner January 19 at 9:03am
Good hearing from you! It is great that you were able to talk to Rich's Mom. The hard part for anyone considering a move is downsizing. Uggghh,if Bud is a collector, eventually someone will have to reduce his stash. Doesn't sound like Bud will be rushing to it. Too bad Chicago is so far away. We have a place called Cedar Community. They have all levels of living for seniors. Starting with Ranch style homes, apartments like grandmas, residential care depending on level of care needed to hospice care. The whole concept of helping seniors stay as independent as needed. You "buy" the homes or apartments from Cedar Community but have to sell it back to them when you leave. It is the kind of place I want to go to. I doubt if I will because I hear independence is expensive.
You two need a getaway weekend. I know prob won't happen w/your schedules. His parents are fortunate to at least have someone interested in their wellbeing.
Ann Ludford Garvey January 19 at 8:37am
Nah that was the thing about the mobile home ... he wouldn't have to get rid of his until he was ready and to help the transition is a 2400 square foot basement. That gives him plenty of room to play. And, in the process if we had our place, we could take one or two of them over for sleepovers as much as they felt comfortable doing. Better to start now while we are learning about each other and how to live in the same space. Another nice thing is that we'd open the house for visiting so Bud could always have his kids over. It would be something that Rich and I would have to accept. It be a lot nicer for them to entertain here. Rich and I would make in our bedroom suite a couple of comfortable chairs and a TV in case we needed some private time - and the other nice thing is that the bedrooms have closet and bathroom space in between so that would help with privacy.
The thing too is level of care. They would still be responsible whether at our place or one you are talking about CC, especially during the times we're at work. But, I think that is a good thing as long as they can do it. As to minimal living - living in a mobile home is pretty much there. I don't think at regular nursing homes you get the kind of care you need as to anything real personal - that which you might see at a hospital level. The thing there though is when one or both of them got to that level - it would cost each 1/2 their savings - which is the amount Rich is supposed to get of his Mom's $80,000. She was very clear on that and as I figured, Bud's kids get to split 5 ways the land and home.
I was really surprised that neither Freddy nor Karen was making plans to have people move in with them. They seem to check in on Bud often enough and are always over for holidays and celebrations. Mom said Karen's husband (house-husband) would say absolutely not! I don't think Freddy has the space. And, they both got kids.
I think we'll find out a little more on Thursday. Even if they volunteered over the money for a down payment, they might think I'm being extravagant on houses and we'd still have to convince Rich he could afford it. Another option since as we explain before the situation with Rich's ex. It could be worked out that he pay the money back to his mom if she sold the family place, but then again that money is coming back to Rich anyway. It be better to take down our mortgage more.
This morning I printed out about 30 pages of both of our credit details - I had the bank's mortgage company do it. I've only got a 620 score and Rich has about 742. There's notes on the sheets as to things we should be fixing, so my way of looking at it is that we should be fixing things whether we move or not. Both of us are working on money spent and saved. I gave Rich the sheets this morning when he got to work, and he scanned them a couple of moments before tucking them away. I know he will look at them further, because he's good with that kind of stuff. I might get him to talk to the mortgage person as to the part where the mortgage person said he could help Rich and I make the sheets better. To me even if we didn't get the house it would be part of a plan. He'd have to be real strong on Rich as to the house - his and his wife's. He said that Rich should have had it written up so that she got a new mortgage and got his name off the title. He said he could help her with that - but, it's always an arm wrestle with the two of them.
Thing is if he did it that way ... he could get about 40,000 back on a 1/3 of the property after paying for the mortgage remaining and the 2nd mortgage and that was if the house only sold for $300,000 it should be more, but in this economy who knows. So, he'd have $40,000 clear, no name on an existing mortgage or 2nd, and he'd be off the old mortgage if his wife decided not to pay it and drag down both their credit. The wife would get about $140,000 because she's not responsible for the 2nd mortgage. That's a lot of money ... she could downsize the 4 bedroom home that she didn't need and make it her own place - perhaps a condo. Right now she's paying $1500 mortgage from a $3000 alimony. But, with that kind of big money down, she could lower her responsibility significantly and tailor her new place to fit her needs and housekeeping responsibility better. She'd make a bundle just by not having to pay for shoveling and grass cutting.
I think where Rich's mom is thinking of a place near her that does like your CC is that she'd have to do it on her own because Bud's not ready for that kind of place, and she'd be doing it more because she's fed-up with Bud and being married. I think she's enjoying somewhat being away from him - though they catch up on arguing when he gets back. She knows though that they will be married until the very end. *sigh* If she invested in that place, Rich and I wouldn't be able to help her as when she was living with us - without major disruption to us - like if one of us were taking turns in living with her in a place that wasn't ours.
She really shouldn't be left on her own due to her sight and fragility, but she made substantial progress in going out on her own now with a walker for her smoking time. WooHOO!! They are feeding her more too so she's looking healthier, she was getting gaunt.
I know you are probably thinking by now we're crazy, and yes obsessed. But, that's the way it goes. I know that you also are concerned that we are taking care of ourselves. But, this is the best thing in the world FOR taking care - is setting up for us a future that we can be very happy with. I think I know like you do that while moving and closings are a chore - I've done it about 30 times in my life and I got it down pretty much to a science. As to closings I've been through about 8. It's all days that come up and go - and you just move on. It doesn't have to be traumatic. Just got to have enough boxes and tape and point to the movers where it goes. :) :)
our best,
Ann Marie
posted by Ann Marie @ 1/21/2010 11:41:00 AM
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