Ayn's Multiple World

A day at the clinic where CS going through her operation

Good morning. This is me again. We’re back except this time we’re at the clinic where CS is going to have her surgery. Connie Sue got a bit testy right before she went in. To be fair, Nathan was pressing them a bit. He was talking to his Mom and Dad on the cell phone. There’s something with him owing court fees and needing money for a vehicle and wanting a computer. I guess that was sorta lot considering his mom was waiting for surgery. Hmm, we just had to make the letters smaller because someone is sitting in the same group of chairs as uncle mark and us. I don’t remember what CS was talking about to Mark before she was called, but it was like mean comment, mean comment, mean comment. It was like, Whoa! So let knee was going to need attention?

CS was trying to be mad at Mark saying Nathan had two jobs and Mark was like not the same thing. Mark’s 2nd job was like 30 a week and Nathan’s was like 2-3 hours.

Then CS went into defense because of all the hours she worked, but she doesn’t work much either and the point is that she was mad when the pastor gave attention to Mark for doing good work when she thought it was her that did the hard work. Told Mark after she left only that Dr. Marvin says she needs a lot of attention and Mark was like yeah?! Like ok, is there something new?

But, pretty much neither of us would want to be sitting here saying bad things about her it was just a quick sudden round of nastiness. Dr. Marvin says that CS doesn’t say things directly. She doesn’t know how to direct her emotions, but that she acts them out … so it makes sense to be aware she’s going into surgery and is probably going to act it out … point is that Mark shouldn’t be taking things personally.

I think its going to be a long afternoon. We were here an hour ago and now it’s about 10 to 1 pm. It’s going to be a bit of preparing her for surgery, then there will be the surgery, and then there will be the part where we have to wait for the anesthesia to wear off. Mark said that he was going to make sure his hours was in for his work check, and then she said you can’t leave Ann Marie alone. Again somewhere near there, but not direct again. She is the one that didn’t want to be left alone, but acted it out through us. We naturally stated the truth that of course we were ok by ourselves. Then she tried it through another track … like what happened if something happened and they needed to get a hold of him.

Well actually he has a cell phone, but *sigh* that’s all part and parcel. It’s probably nerve wracking to go through surgery. We gotta keep remembering we’re here to help not hurt. We were teasing them with Nathan, but that only went so far … I think it’s a good thing to get off one’s chest because it allows a dissipation of pressure. I told them that’s why I told them of Thom’s drunken disorderly to compensate each other’s problems with our sons. I hope that they heard that … it’s worrisome to be a parent and the troubles seem always a lot. I guess Mark told Nathan that they had a savings account and then Nathan was like all into it and that he almost had certain rights to the money. I think that’s a hard thing in this family … financial boundaries, but it’s a pretty good idea for me to stay out of it. I feel mostly like it when I hear CS talk about money and the mother-in-law, you can see the way the issues work their way down the channel.

We’ve got problems in our family, but I don’t think so many money ones. The boys know I’m reaching deep to get them $100, they don’t ask for any more like never. I did help each when I could, but in the general scheme of things it is never as much as I would have liked to. Ok, this conversation doesn’t have to be happening. Just filling up blank space, I think …

I think there is a bit of a gossip in me, in that I like to talk and so I talk about the things happening directly around me. It just happened to last be the conversation with CS and Mark. It seems easier to see the humor of those around you than your own, though I was ready to laugh at our situation, just the conversation around here is more about them than us. But, to be fair if anyone wants to laugh with Rich and me feel free.

We talked – CS and us while waiting for Mark to take care of the box to Thom. We tried to apologize for our frustration and fears making the mailing situation so impossible for us. It’s a complex set of feelings, but I think CS appreciated me trying to straighten out and explain it a bit. Mark was involved too because when neither CS and us could go in it became his chore and I’m really sure he doesn’t like to do those kinds of things. CS and us are alike in that we are tough when we want and at other times we’re helpless.

CS was having confusing feelings in-between there too in that – she had spent so much time working through the paperwork and then it appeared she’d done it wrong which she had a hard time processing … in our family it is shameful not to do things perfectly. I know that’ our Rasmussen side. Anything could lead to shame. And, if your not getting shamed you are giving out guilt. It’s a really poor pattern and all one can really do is keep alert for it. As soon as you see it you have to be able to dismiss the problems that is occurring from trying to do it to someone or even to yourself, and then you got to fix the damage you’ve caused in the process.

You could wish and wish it didn’t come back, but it never seems to end. I wish I could understand it, but it seems more to be in the scope of a lifelong effort in trying to unscrew yourself. Hmm, are we wandering vaguely again?

Maybe.

Mark seems to be trying to read and trying to keep awake at the same time. I think he’s succumbed to his tiredness. I’m pretty sure that although he’s holding the book that his eyes have closed. I think there’s no real problem in that in that surgery to whatever degree is hard on him too. There’s no doubt that there will be extra stress on him because there is extra stress on Connie Sue and the family unit in general. I think that for me though I’m doing much better now with it than before. I couldn’t get out of the crankiness before. I was still in the range of CS manipulations. I tried to explain that to her, but I’m pretty sure nothing has to make sense on a day like this. As much as everyone wanting to make things a not very big deal, they actually are so you just gotta keep stepping back and reminding yourself from taking it too seriously.

CS did get that email I sent her talking about the seriousness of infections and how deadly they can become. I didn’t mean to make her more nervous, but there is a need of weighing the situation with a little more gravity than is commonly going on here in the direct manner. Underneath it I need her to understand that I see it is a serious matter and will give attention too. Of all the times CS asks for attention inappropriately … when it comes to real needs she sometimes slips.

Better use the washroom before Mark gets called back. BRB

Ok, Back again. I don’t think Mark is hiding his tiredness too much. I think though we all have our ways of shutting down. Mark shuts down from extra stress most likely through sleeping where we do it through our writing and all the worrysome thoughts we go through at this level.

I think we have another deal coming up here in that CS nurse if going to stress to CS that her husband join her and usually CS gets more of the attention she likes and the control through doing medical on her own. Remember we went through this before. It’s a struggle from being all controlling to the struggle of being dependent and hoping someone else will show their love by taking care of you. I think this is part of having a family who didn’t have a whole lot of caring skills.

You can see how messed up we are in trying to ready ourselves to be helping CS. I don’t think its natural for us to care without worrying of the effort of caring on ourselves. I’ve seen other people much more giving and I can appreciate that, but for us we have to struggle through it. *sigh* We’re doing our best.

Hmm, just looked at something on the wall. It’s a little statement on synergy. I haven’t heard that a lot before, but I’ve done it before. The statement reads:

Synergy – when the effort is shared, when the vision is clear, when cooperative action achieves more than individuals ever could … its synergy. It’s the future of success. That’s cool and seems to be written for me at the moment. Basically, a lot of the negative we’ve been talking about is like an opposite synergy. I think Cooper used to call it his monster and witch characters. Basically, people with negative energy drain each other – like the fighting between CS and Mark a little bit ago. The synergy would be the healthier things when positive energy combines so that amazing things can be done.

Hehe … Mark and us just had another little conversation. For some reason he woke up from his dozing. We played back and forth a little where I teased him for sleeping under stress where I write under stress. He decided that he liked his way better.

We discussed the time scenario. He was thinking through when he could leave. We gave him our theory where he had to really wait while she was in this pre-surgery stage. He’d misguessed the time to be an hour of waiting since she’d gone it where it was actually closer to a half hour by the clock. We told him we figured that he’d go in for just 10 minutes or so and then there’d be at minimum a couple hours of waiting between the surgery and the waking up part. I think he might be able to go in for some of that time of waiting for her to wake up. I know she’d be ticked off if he were gone even though she’s not all the way happy of having her in. I felt pretty sure the waiting time with her would be short … I think they’d call him in just before they were ready for her … My experience with it which is slim is that that woozy part after the drug was inserted to make you drowsy was about the time they figured you were safe and wouldn’t bother too much the person having surgery.

I don’t know how much control she has in saying go get my husband or don’t. I think if she were in real trouble she would ask for him. I also think if she wanted to impress a more coherent family she’d ask for him, but she might not if she figured he would need more attention then her. It’s really a matter of her being able to get cared for by the nurses without any of us further needing her. She’s really got to be babied proper. If Mark could do it then wallah! We’d all be even. I’m a horrible person as to babying. Sometimes I’m in the mood for it in taking care of Rich, but I think we mentioned previously it doesn’t come naturally. I think CS knows this about us too so neither of us feel too much an insult if I’m not called here into the room. I think she knows I would take care of her if there was a real problem, just I’d be judgmental in trying to figure out if all that was necessary.

I think the waiting room here is about ½ full. It’s a good number. There is a good news channel in the background that seems sort of like CNN, but I’m not familiar with the voice. I’m not facing her so can’t be sure. There’s almost a little more news to consider it CNN. Maybe some general national news. Ahh I can hear Obama talking about a 106 year old black woman who just died, but had voted for him. It’s a good human interest story. Her name was Cooper too. She was proud for helping put Obama in place.

Maybe we’ll pick up some more news, but now it’s just a background sound. The news seems louder than people actually talking together. We can hear those voices too, but the sounds are not overly demanding. Hmm, I’m wondering if we should plug in our computer soon. There’s a plug in a very convenient place about 5 feet from me where it shouldn’t trip people up. Mark’s head is leaning over and he’s like wakened by it, but he’s not really up. He looks pretty peaceful. Not as handsome as OUR sleeping angel, but in that same variety. He kind of reminds me of a comfy bird sitting on a wire with his beak pressed into his puffy chest. I’ll have to tell Mark that. At least he’s not holding up his book as if trying to hide he’s sleeping. But, his fingers are still pressed into the pages as if he’s holding that thought. He’s kinda cute!

I watched a nurse walk in, but it doesn’t look like she’s going to ask for Mark.

I’m thinking that because the nurse said something about a vending machine to someone that maybe you can eat here. Maybe when Mark comes out he’ll bring something back. We’ll suggest it. I’m not sure if CS is going to be happy, because she’s going to want to go out and get something after, at least last time she was very hungry after.

I did eventually tell her that we had given Nathan some money. I don’t know if we told her how much … if we didn’t she’ll ask Nathan. I just told her enough for Nathan to bring Dani out to dinner. I’m not sure if she heard that or for that matter if Nate heard that. He might have seen a couple 20’s coming and thought of it as his mini-treasure that Dani doesn’t know about. Whether he did that or not we’d let it go … we wanted him to share it, but the bottom line is that he’s our nephew and like our boys we’d trust him to spend it however. He was good in that he really made sure we could do without it before taking it. That part was good. I think he doesn’t think to depend on us for anything since we’ve never really been around. I like it where a little gift can be just a little gift. It feels comfortable.

Hmm, just went to get a little coffee. It seemed like I was really draining it so we told the new administration person. I think she’ll refill it. There’s plenty of the decaf, but that’s not what we would want … pretty sure we’re going to want to fill up again though I don’t know how many more people are coming in. We might be about the end of their schedule for the day … but just in case – eh there’s no reason they shouldn’t fill another coffee. There are still people around. Good good that was done it was real nice of her. The smell of fresh coffee is always good.

Hmm, anything else of interest? I should say I guess that Rich called. He called both last night and this morning. I think he’s being really submitted into Bob’s life.

Hmm the intercom said something is ready in OR2. I wonder if that’s going to be close to Connie Sue’s team. It’s now just an hour since she went back. If she’s up she’s probably getting ancy. But, I don’t know if she’d want Mark back or if that would be a drain to her. It seems like everything is good right now the way it is.

Some new people came in so maybe there are some more operations after CS although I think she said something reflecting the belief she thought she was one of the last.

It is very much like CS to catch all the scuttlebutt going on in a hospital/doctor environment.

I must be like the subjective journalist who just likes to go on and on about any minimal peak of interest. Yup yup about it just so that we can be writing. I’m afraid that after all goes through we’re going to be very tired of sitting in a chair trying to balance a computer or to be having our fingers move this much. I should have thought about it before we typed the 10 pages we typed earlier. Maybe after a while I’ll go catch the news on-line CNN. We could also turn on the iPod about then. I don’t really know how long the Mi-fi is going to work … we didn’t have it plugged in too long. I’ll have to figure things out with thoe 3 open plugs. Two of them are together and one is separate. I hate to break up our wire holder thing again … best try to do with as little as possible as long as we can.

Maybe though … should we at least plug in the computer? Maybe we better check battery life. Ahh we’re good nice battery. We’re only at 81% and have 6 hours and 16 minutes left. Let’s really hope not to use that much!

Ok, we’re back … we were fooling around here. I’m a little worried for Mark because although he looks like he’s sleeping his left leg was bouncing up and down. I hope he’s getting real rest.

Hmm, I think we left off talking about Rich and Rich being around Bob. I don’t know if he got home in enough time to do the gym, but I know that he ate with Bob over at Bob’s house last night. I think that he was ordering out. I think they were going to work on something together, but I don’t remember what. Then when Rich called back again today, he said something about him and Bob going to play some cards. I had told him earlier, I sure hope that Bob could barely wait for me to go because he’d have so much more time with Rich. I told Rich it would be better for him to say that Bob was watching over him – then I wouldn’t feel too guilty if I didn’t go enough for Bob to get Rich.

I don’t know what else he said really, though he seemed to appreciate that I was tense and couldn’t really talk. I think I’d written about it earlier. Ok, probably did … idle time … we’ll let that go for a bit. Hmm?

Wow that was hopeful. We went to the vending machine area to check that out and no luck there, so we went to the desk to ask if they could cash a $20. They couldn’t do that … a nice lady also waiting pulled out four quarters and said she could give them to us. I didn’t want to do that, but it was a really nice thing for the lady to do.

While we were up there we thought we should check to see if she were still in pre-op because it had been over an hour, but she made the effort to call back there and the nurse came out and said that she was almost done with the procedure and that the doctor had come back for her earlier than expected. She apologized, but I didn’t think it was too heartfelt. Mark woke up by then and came over to verify the information. After he sat back down he complained lightly about West Bend doctors, but then the nurse came back and said he was sure the doctor would come out and talk to him. Personally, I think it was more that CS had asked to maintain her privacy.

But, we’re going to let that go. Mark then got up with his briefcase and left. He didn’t tell me why he was going, so I don’t know if he was going to put his case in the car or whether he was going to go to his church not too far from here as he’d originally planned to go check on his work hours so that he could be paid.

Eh … I guess either way it doesn’t matter. We’re just here to sit one way or another. I will be told to go somewhere if necessary, but I’m expecting that Mark will be back, the doctor will talk to him MAYBE and that MAYBE at some point they will come to get him. Most likely it will be when they are ready for her to go home. That’s what happened last time. They told me they’d tell me what was going on, but it wasn’t until after we asked for her they said she was almost done with recovery and I could go back. I don’t think their priority is the families, or maybe only if the patient was requesting the family. Maybe here altogether patients are of lesser importance than the doctor doing his procedure.

One way or another we’re sitting. The nurse came out for another person who’d come in after us. Back to thinking of CS in control. Ok, shhhh. That’s the way it should be right? We’re just here for her. They would tell us if they were worried about anything. Hmm, I think that Mark left. Eh … we’re just sitting here, right?

Yeeks a nurse is complaining about a young patient. So much for privacy. The whole room is hearing about it.

She’s pretty loud.

Nothing much going along here as much serious to be thinking of. AHA a lady went and got coffee see that’s significant … at least we helped her situation out.

Whoops there goes another one come in after us. Just a couple more people here waiting. I think the woman in back of us changed the channel. I sure hope that Mark comes back before CS figures out he left. Ok, shhh shhh. What is the matter with our mind? Why is it that we are so petty. I know we can do better.

Hmm they are talking about school loans and the new income base repayment plan for college loans. There’s a site CNN.com/clarkhoward ok, that’s important. Seems they are saying that you have to do your homework in getting them because the loan people aren’t real familiar with it yet. I don’t know about that, but if I recall we might look up the site for Rich if we can be paying less upfront. It’s a lot … We’re playing just over $400 a month. I know that that we loaned the money and would have to repay, but still it’s a lot to handle. Ok, it’s now about 2:30 pm. I’m thinking that Connie Sue just got back and gained some consciousness, because I heard a nurse fairly loud say hi, how are you and what is your name. Last time the room she was in was really close to this room. She had to go in a small private room do to her mercer. I guess that’s a fancy way to say staff nurse.

Hmm, someone is calling in about someone in a procedure. I don’t know if Mark would call in. I’m not sure if he would or if he would call me, or whether he’d just get back as soon as he could. Ok, microworrying over everything now … no it doesn’t have to be my business to be concerned about it. It’s really a small minor world.

This is the boat I signed up for though right?

Do da do da doo doo do. It is sure that it is CNN on in the background. I wish I understood why I’m not familiar with the voice. I guess I’m not usually on during this time period. Did I say already that it is already 2:30 pm? I think I can wait until the next bathroom trip until Mark get’s back. Maybe if it’s just another half hour I’d be able to make it through. Maybe we’ll want some more of that fresh coffee?

Ok, back. She didn’t seem to make too much coffee. Another nurse came out, but it doesn’t appear to have been CS nurse. Mark’s been gone for about 20 minutes. I wonder if he’s going to return SOON! Ok, you is this the way you usually are … let’s have a petty thought contest.

Hmm, Mark seems to have left his rock in the empty toy tray. I wonder if someone could get hurt from throwing it. Ok, well, yes that’s pretty trivial. I could see where that’s going.

I had in mind going back over my words, but I’m afraid that wouldn’t be of my liking right now … It always feels better to be typing even if the words were proving not to be of any importance. Well, somewhere there might be importance. I guess I still see it as though I will never live this life portion again and if I didn’t get it down, I’d never be able to bring it back into recall. I know so why would I want to … hmm, if you’re a writer maybe it doesn’t really matter. We just are like people with butterfly nets … we try to catch words and thoughts no matter how inconsequential. That be like our style, right?

Ok, worrying, worrying, worrying. No matter how much we think good or bad thoughts of CS or anyone in our tiny brain – we still worry about her and hope she’s doing ok. We would like no one to take advantage of her. Why would I say something like that? Well, what happen she’s not getting as good of nurse service as she deserves.

Hmm, the other nurse came from the last people in the room beside us. That means no one is more neglected than us. The nurse said something to these people about the guy asking to see his family before .

Ok, that’s new. Mark came back in and within seconds the nurses came out. They said they couldn’t find the cyst and they’d been doing only that for this long. She said that they’d been searching for it, so I read that as she’s going to be in some amount of pain afterward. She also said that they were going to start on the other part of the two –part procedure. I don’t even know clearly what surgery she is going through though I think it has something to do with either the bone chips or putting something back in the socket proper.

The nurse seemed to be very understanding in answering questions and then she said what a sweetheart she was in not wanting to ask for more help although that was her job. I could see that impression happening and Mark agreed that his wife was a sweetheart. Because with the other families having a nurse come out and saying the patient wants to see you that CS had not wanted to see anyone. I don’t know why this is still bothering us, but it seems to. I think it goes back into my ability of a person to care versus giving the impression too. Maybe it’s just a matter of are different parts and all of us having different needs, strengths and abilities.

I just remember someone saying and believing that we would be very defensive if someone didn’t take care of her proper, but then there is this other part of us knowing how manipulative she is and those different versions seem to contradict one another. Maybe part is because we don’t want to see us hurt when she’s doing things to us – like most likely telling nurses that she doesn’t want to worry us, though that be like giving them the message she is strong, brave and considerate. But, then if she was shooting for those feelings from them? Sort of like this nurse saying how selfless she is because she’s so considerate of the nurses feelings and workloads. This is another way of someone being ingratiated to her.

I wish I didn’t have to have so many of these thoughts, but then again I can recognize the kind of thinking that we have with Dr. Marvin and we know at that point it’s a matter of self-preservation. We go there trying to sort out our thoughts and feelings and we have to deal especially with hurt and anger. It is a hard thing being used. Not because she’s really a bad person, she’s just a person with many needs and holding great neediness. But, then every time I say that then we’re worrying in the same strain if we aren’t the same. I’m guessing that Dr. Marvin is getting validation that we were both raised in a home where we faced the same kinds of abuses and negligence’s. He almost seems to laugh because the things that he’s surmised over the years seems now so much more readily apparent, although it still strikes us as new news.

I wish I could hold in more thoughts of what he says and it be particularly valuable to hear or understand the relationship that we’re holding with my sister. I don’t know who if any of us could be pinned as being more or less damaged than the others. I’m guessing I’m the one at more advantage in that I’ve gotten such good doctor help out of the years. I think that when we go back we’ll ask for a more straight up comparison between us and how things were similar and now how things are the same or different. We’re thinking we want something more like a graph or maybe more of a timeline.

There has to be some reason why we get so confused and disoriented and then go through so many angry things. Even when she stops to listen to how she’s coming off of us, we are not sure that that information won’t be used against us or maybe more closely for her in absence of us. I see a lot of that with Rich too. I want to be taking care of him, but sometimes it is selfish … it’s because it makes me feel good when I’m taking care of him – so then I think it might be pretty selfish stuff. I don’t know with most people if it’s the same way. Basically, are we at a low level of caring ability where others are more heartfelt.

Sometimes we see this as worry in that we don’t get as emotional as others. But, then just the other day when we went through the experience with Maury and Joe – we were wondering

ok, more later going to get going.

posted by Ann Marie @ 12/30/2009 08:40:00 AM Comments: 0