My Expression of Painting #5 written by Ayn and all
Once upon a time ruled a King and Queen of TaTarnia. The King thought of his wife as always eager to please him. This made for good fortune across his land. The Queen served her Master well, but she withheld from him secrets of her mind. The Queen was interested in securing for herself a place in Heaven, so she sought the council of his Majesty’s Bishop. The Bishop arrived within moments of her neediness. He had been swilling at the royal banquet table. His fingers were yet greasy and his stomach protruded the certainty of many wines consumed. The Queen did not let go her disdain for the rolly polly priest. Instead she said to him, “Let us take a walk.”
The Bishop grunted as he followed in her footsteps. They left her bed chamber and crossed through complicated tiers of chambers and stairs. Finally, they reached her destination. It was an isolated room of stone and mortar with wood beams crossing overhead in a double T formation. “Do you recognize the girl?” The Queen asked. The Bishop saw her tattered rag dress and unreconciled golden locks. “No” he said, and then suggested that perhaps she was an impoverished village trespasser upon his Lord’s grounds and ought to be brought to her knees in shame by means of public debasement. “No,” said the Queen. “This harlot was once a fetish of the King.” She deserves another vestige of my time. She then made vows with the Bishop that this precedent laid only between them. “Of course, my Queen,” you have my utter confidence.
The Queen told the Bishop to disrobe the girl. The Bishop did as he was told. Then the Queen placed her royal crown on top a nearby chair and begun the process of releasing herself from her clothing and beads. The Bishop turned himself away from the Queen so he would not make the unnecessary choice of disrespecting royalty. When the Queen was entirely undressed she motioned for the girl to bring her the moth eaten cloth she had worn on her back. The Queen then ordered the Bishop to assist the girl in dressing in the Queen’s finest robe. Although the girl’s head was surely infested in lice, she held the crown before the girl and lifted her arms to place it upon the girls head. The girl dropped to the ground with the weightiness of its obscenity. Again, the Queen gave the Bishop instructions. He was to place the girl on the chair. He did as asked. The girl needed to be held by her shoulders so that the new weight of the crown did not topple her.
After the girl had steadied herself a bit, the Bishop Priest was told to bring the girl with him to the Kings dining table and seat her at the Queen’s throne. She followed in the pair’s shadow. The Bishop and the girl then appeared at the doorway of the mighty table where Lords and Ladies dined heartily on wild beast and pheasant. The King’s table was being entertained by a fast and frilly fingered flautist accompanied by two violins. As one after another diner looked up to see the girl in the Queens costume, the noise of the room started to subside. And, soon all were a gasped and the musicians laid down their efforts. The King who had been occupied personally by the conversation of two jewel travelers was the last to turn to see the debacle. He could not admit his confusion to see at once his mistress in clothing obviously belonging to his wife. He bellowed, “What’s the meaning of this?!” The girl again dropped to the floor in a puddle that she had wet. The King snatched the crown from her head, and ordered her to be immediately disrobed and beheaded by the soldiers who were scraping the lifeless girl from the floor.
Several days later the Queen again sat to the left of her King at the royal dinner table. Music and dancing had gone on as before and people were casually ensconced in their pleasures. The Queen laid her hand on the jeweled knuckles of her husband and asked only the question, “How many bell towers in my new church?” It was now a fact that the King was eager to please his wife. It was said, she had a sense of humor.
The Kingdom of Tatarnia
by Ayn's Multiple World
Entry for painting expression #05
Topic [Fiction]
[Write Words Writers Club]
A Day with Jacob is like a Day of Sunshine
Evening … yes V. I know school … But, I just got back AND I haven’t been able to visit any of my on-line friends and, and … I surely get to say something about visiting son #3!??
We’re just goin to pretend here that V is still over at his #1 son’s watching something on the new huge super TV! Yes, that will work out conveniently!
We drove out to Jacob’s today and had a pretty nice trip out there. It takes about an hour and 15 minutes and the last 25 are quiet fast highway and farms. I got a little sick a couple of times while out, but nothing that could spoil a good trip! We met downstairs in his complex’ lobby where there are chairs and a big TV in the background. Not many people use the area. Jacob and I have this mutual understanding … we both arrive at exactly 11 am. Hehehe 5 minutes to in my case J The next thing is my super duper hugs he gives me! Then we sit down for a few moments to talk about anything that’s hot (under the guise of him never knowing where he wants to eat out).
Apparently, his school loan went through which is giving him most the money he needs. His father owed him $2,500 from work completed over the summer, so that took care of most the rest. Jacob thinks that he might be about $1,000 short. He was talking about some kind of Sally Mae loan that you can get if you are borrowing together with another parent/sibling who’s in school?? I’m not real sure he gave me a number that I will call tomorrow after the staffing. He said he would take out the max because he’s had a hard time and has gone through periods now this last semester where he was down to his last $20. I didn’t like that at all.
Then it got me thinking that maybe if there IS a loan available to me as well (in addition to the school loan I have), then maybe I could borrow enough to put a big down payment on a new car. I’m not sure, but my mind was playing in the wiggle room. The car is doing well and only on 83,000, but it is 10 years old. If the loan wasn’t due until after I finish school and my school is now being pulled out to ten years, then I’d be in much better shape. We figure during this next 10 years, Sr. will have needed to stop being Administrator and we are going to need reevaluating our circumstances. I’m pretty sure she is 80 or will turn 80 this year. Regardless of anything else, I’m going to use what I consider my loose money and pay to get Jacob into a special Karate club.
One of the big conversations this time (we stayed for 4 ½ hours) was that he and his best friend were taking together two karate courses. Jacob is pretty good at Karate. He’s been taking it now for about 10 years with a Sensai near his father’s house. He’s a brown belt. But, the two Karate courses that he is taking now are both different from the first. One of the courses is Korean and the other is Japanese. I know … why would someone with two courses and one at home, want with MORE Karate?!! But, this is where a mother’s instinct plays in. I haven’t told him I would do this yet, but his birthday is a week from today. He only has this semester and next before he graduates. He is not planning on going to grad school at this time. BUT, he is under a lot of pressure, particularly due to the finances. Getting these loans help a lot, but what has helped the most was the time put into physical activity, particularly doing something he loves and with his best friend. The friend is in the club and stopped in right before I left. I asked him how he was doing (he’s been Jacob’s best friend for about 8-9 years). He is an accounting major and spoke first of the tremendous pressures that he has been feeling on some pretty tough courses. Neither Jacob or his friend have girls right now, but they met through their athleticism. They were on the same high school gymnastics team and were both college cheerleaders throwing pretty girls in the air! Hehehe Neither of the boys has had a athletic outlet this last semester and its been bogging both of them down. They are both very much into healthy minds/bodies thinking. Jacob’s friend talked about the Karate club while I was there. He said that instead of time spent with 40 to 60 kids taking the course, the instructor only had 9 of them to work with, plus he had brought in his black belt son. The friend said the same thing Jacob did … you cannot imagine the pressure let go of while learning this art. Jacob said the instructor believes that people should leave their problems outside the door and come in with clear minds. This is the kind of stuff with my scraggley money management skills I see as an excellent usage of funds. AHA! J
We had quite a few good discussions. One of the hallmark talks is that we discuss Jacob’s game life. He held back on Dungeons and Dragons and in stead talked a war game he and his brothers play … a lot. I am still forgetting the title of the game, but Jacob explained it as on one level playing 10x10, meaning 10 good guys and 10 bad guys. You choose early in your game career which one you are going to be. The boys and their family/friends are on the good guy side. Next he says it is played like capture the flag. Then he went through a tremendous amount of explanation telling me the strategies involved. Like about changing animal forms like cheetahs and bears, working magic that slows people down or makes them dizzy, fighters who swing axe blades, or healers that protect the teams’ runners. There is much much more to it though. He said he and the above are in their own guild and the first set of goals includes “leveling up.” The boys each have a couple of guys leveled up to 60 which I guess is tops, then there is another set of something that if you get to the 14th rank, you are the best of everyone. I guess there are like 150 or so something competitions and each of them have about 1500 people at any given time playing, and maybe about 30,000 players in total. The boys are like at anywhere from rank 4 to 12 (after all having reached 60). Jacob says that at this 9 stage there is about 100 people at the same place. Everything is hard when you are going through it, but never as hard when you make the top 20 players. I guess the competition to be number one is pretty demanding, but after you get it you’ve by then have all the armor and are given a special weapon that you get to keep even though you might not stay holding that space as #1. The game tallies up I think once a week.
Today, Jacob talked about a little friction from his group. And, also friction building around the group that trades down at the board. I think the three that lead that trouble is the boys Uncle, Son #2, and their step-brother. I think these people are like in a tremendous amount of stress. Jacob talks about being able to change his surroundings more easily which takes off some of the pressure. Basically, he has other interests. Good! I think another thing that son #3 has going for him is that he can be pretty mellow. He is much more apt to turn the other cheek. Mostly, we just listen and ask questions. We worry a bit too. We like to hear that people are moving at an even keel.
Every time I meet with Jacob I am learning something new. He thinks at a pretty unique level of who he is and what he stands for. It comes out through normal discussions on where he is at with his courses, friends, family etc. and even where he is at with his spiritual life. I think more and more each passing month, he is willing to give more of himself over to his faith. This isn’t something that the other boys have managed to do. Unfortunately, for them, we were not a family that often went to church, though there has been many discussions on God and principles of His work. I’m pretty proud that Jacob has taken it seriously. It allows me to feel a sense of safety in that he is grounded. Son #1 can look out for his immediate family. Jacob is more able to look out for the other guy even as a stranger. I think that son #2 looks out for those he surrounds himself with, but he HAS to be the final word and his anger gets him into compromised positions with the others trust. He is very willing to do like he did with us and basically, kick people off and out of his life. Simplistically, he thinks, “I don’t need you, goodbye.” This isn’t something that Jacob has said, it is more how I put things together. And, as often as I am angry with son #2 and sometimes hurt, I don’t stop being concerned and worried about what is happening to him. I’d give my life if I knew it would allow him to let go of some of that anger that he uses to protect his system from being off its delicate balance. He’s got so much rage. *sigh*
I think though that I will cut off here. I’m having a little more problem with pain management, though its certainly not so much I’m going to go cliff jumping ;). I am taking positive thoughts with me as I think over how much I love my kids. Don’t always like what they do, but I love the hell out of them! My life has been blessed.
Good night!
Announcing:
Gramma sees a writer in those wise eyes!
It's a GIRL!!!
Her name is Elisabeth Gabriella
She is just 6 pounds 2 ounces
and she was born to
to Number #1 son and daughter-in-law
on Friday, January 27, 2006 @ 12:43 pm
and she is PERFECT!!!
First Gramma Ann Report:
Gorgeous very gorgeous and so very, very sweet! This one is more petite … that is what her proud Mama is claiming. I think I agree … we might just call her orchid, she’s that delicate! She’s already doing the smile thing and she has soooo many other interesting faces. But, she isn’t a very loud crier. I guess we’ll add a God Bless, just in case she decides to change her mind later. The nasty ol nurse came in and pecked her foot to draw blood and Elisabeth said, “Hey!” through a chirp, but then went right back to sleep. Her Daddy said she was a pretty tuckered out.
We held her most the time we were there and right before the nurse came in we realized that her little feet had come out from under the swaddling thing goin on there. My son says she needs to be kept very warm. They are the nicest little feet, long and thin, and her Mama says her fingers match and that she’s going to be a musician! YAYYYY! Musician Writer is a good idea! Maybe a Mozartella! I think her proud Daddy and Mommy brought at least 3 camera’s to the hospital. And, Daddy figured out how to get one through his phone lickidy split for Gramma to post. BUT, we got scolded a little bit for putting up sooooo many pictures Elisabeth’s sister. Whoops, Busted! In defense, he said there were like 20, but actually there is only 9 … so that takes care of that problem! I know, I know ... I’ll be more careful ... I promise … I didn’t even know he still knew my blog address!!
Elisabeth’s Mom told me about how things happened and I listened very carefully. She’s a good story teller, but she makes things sound too easy. I think once she used the word for "labor" as “hard.” But, you couldn’t tell it by looking at her and she was only referring to the last half hour of birth. But, I'm pretty sure she didn't use the ominous p*** word. She’s up and dressed and all fixed up beautiful as if she was visiting someone else at the hospital. She absolutely glows and she doesn’t waddle or anything! Dad looks a little scruffier. I think he forgot to pack his shaver.
The room was the most beautiful hospital room I’ve ever seen. My DIL has connections and the nurses held out the BEST room, until it was needed by her. It is larger than most hotel rooms and she was explaining things pull out of the walls and ceiling for delivery time, and the baby is born right in the room. The floor is hard wood and she has a nice “three-sided tower” like window in front of a small table. The room also had a swanky looking modern rocker and a futon type bed for Dad. You can see it … it’s where I am sitting with Elisabeth. I guess sleeping with husband in the same bed still isn’t the first thing one thinks of after having a child the same day *giggle!*
We had a few things we found that we wanted to give her and those got opened and put away just before a couple of the baby’s other Gramma’s came in. One was a GREAT Gramma. We were trying to leave so we would be graceful, but it was hard leaving the space. We wanted to hear the whole story over again, but figured her family might like some privacy. We were good.
They had though brought in Ame. She was very excited and came rushing in the room saying something in a loud, booming coo like, “How are you sister!??” What a beauty!! I’m so glad I had seen it with my own eyes. There was this one other instance I will never forget. Elisabeth’s GREAT Gramma was holding her, and Elisabeth let out a few squeaks. That’s what Ame calls them. Ame was right there, the room quieted as we all realized about the same time that Ame was singing her sister a nursery school lullaby about how much she loved her. And, Elisabeth fell back asleep. WoW! Really something! I asked Ame's Mother first thoughts and concerning Ame they were something like, “Is our baby here already?!” She’s just so proud of her new little Sister. Ame will be five next month. Her mother made her a shirt that says BIG sister! Such a warm and wonderful few moments in my life. This is the kind of thing you remember for ever!
I think its time for bed … this kind of thing can’t be topped!! I want to just dream our most pleasant thoughts. Nitey-nite!!
Working through Memory Test for Meeting :) I remembered!
Good morning. We’re doing better. I think, not sure. Oh dear a fence-sitter. Let’s see how I do over the time of a post. I really don’t have much to say though. Hmm, that’s not right, how could I have little to say. A full day has gone by.
I think the only thing that happened yesterday was working on an audio project for Sr. Tess. Our big fundraiser is coming up in the middle of May and each year the clients put on a couple of musical numbers. This year there is in addition dancing due to the efforts of our dance instructor. Sr. usually takes a big part of the music. This year she’s chosen to do “Good Morning” and “Singing in the Rain” from that musical and the Sledge Sisters, “We are family.” Good morning was just added a couple of days ago. I’ve been in charge of music.
Yesterday, I had to burn new CD’s with the second songs and figure out how to get the music for just 45 seconds of the new song. Maybe there is an easy way to do this, but I’m sure I didn’t know that. Added to the dilemma was that Sister wanted spaces between the songs. That … just didn’t happen. I could do it through the use of pictures, but then the CD became a video and couldn’t be processed like a regular audio tape. We did figure out the cropping task through the use of the Windows movie maker, the downloading from one of those sharing programs (needed the licenses), and then from Music Match. Other programs were experimented with, but these are the main three. It made my mind go mushy! But, the end results were good. Just that … it took me an entire day to do it. I had to go through it twice to get it just the way Sr. wanted it.
She’s decided that not only Tuesdays and Thursdays with the dancers, but after lunch for 30-45 minutes the group would practice with her. It involves a whole staff. She rearranged all the tables in the multi-purpose room so that it could be done. God Bless the ones who keep up at her pace. The others are subject to her anger. There is no doubt she is in full command of this ship. Much as I will say about all that. I’ve watched for the last couple of days. You can tell work has been put in on this project. I’m not sure why I am staying, except the fact that it is an all-consuming project. I’m hoping that maybe I can pick up something that will be helpful. Just in case I’m asked. Other wise, we’re staying clear of getting ourselves in trouble. I think Sr. appreciates that I’m there as much as she appreciates anything.
So, that was that … maybe today I can be doing something else. I know that the assistant will be in today. That always makes Thursdays something to look forward to. The Friday appointment has been moved to Monday, if the CSO guy can change his schedule, we’ll see. I should be working toward that staffing and the next coming up on I believe Wednesday. Then I should be done for some time, until early June. This will be good, because I can expect the CARF material to be arriving anytime soon. Earnestly, that project has to be begun.
Hmm, that enough about work? Yah. Guess so.
Didn’t hear much from Sweetie Pie. He was sick, but still went to work yesterday. Ugh! His son ended up on complete bed rest at home and is already bored. Giggle, that will teach him to get sick. Young people just make a muck of it!
We have made arrangements to be going out to visit our youngest on campus on Sunday. I am still having feelings about no one scheduling in Christmas with me. I have to be facing that soon. I did ok with it in IMs with both the boys, but the situation hasn’t been confronted. I’m pretty sure it’s gone right over the head of the youngest and I figure so close to term of the oldest second child, the time isn’t right for all that. Maybe some more work with Dr. M.
His meeting is today and we’ll talk to the memory guy. I’m having a hard time picking up that project, but I would imagine I should be taking care of that this morning. I would feel better if questions were organized; just I have it marked as a hard subject to go through. Maybe if I broke it up by different factors that were being tested. Hmm, maybe I should get started with that. Maybe you’ll go through a bit of it with me?
Dear Dr. M.
I have reordered the different tests so that they are more helpful to the way I think and will want to ask general questions such as:
A. How does the better scored variables help the lesser scored variables
B. How do general categories such as Attention, work memory, etc. work with learning and memory and what specifically is the ability processed in each category
C. How do the subgroups (perfect, superior, etc.) work together within their general ranges
D. What do the general tests measure or mean
E. I would like to understand the big picture (summary and recommendations) such as retrieval-based difficulties and reduced initial learning capacity (esp. verbal)
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Dear Dr. M.,
I have reordered the different tests so that they are more helpful to the way I think and will want to ask general questions such as:
A. How does the better scored variables help the lesser scored variables
B. How do general categories such as Attention, work memory, etc. work with learning and memory and what specifically is the ability processed in each category (I would like examples)
C. How do the subgroups (perfect, superior, etc.) work together within their general ranges
D. What do the general tests measure or mean
E. I would like to understand the big picture (summary and recommendations) such as retrieval-based difficulties and reduced initial learning capacity (esp. verbal)
1. Perfect
a. Recognition paradigm (Learning and memory)
2. Superior
a. Intelligence, FSIQ=120 (Gen Intel and Overall Neuropsych functioning)
b. Word knowledge, T=67 (Gen Intel and Overall Neuropsych functioning)
3. High (above) Average
a. Speeded single word decoding, T=67 (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
b. General word knowledge, T=67 (Language)
c. Single word reading abilities, FSIQ=116 (Gen Intel and Overall Neuropsych functioning)
d. Speeded color identification, T= 60 (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
e. Timed-visuomotor scanning and rapid sequencing, T=60 (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
f. Learn and spontaneously recall a visuospatial array with delay, T=59 (Learning and memory)
g. Nonverbal inductive reasoning, T=57 (Gen Intel and Overall Neuropsych functioning)
h. Visual inductive reasoning, T=56 (Visuoperceptual/Visuoconstructive abilities)
i. Speeded generation of unique figural designs, ss=12
j. Speeded word generation to letters and semantic categories (letter fluency), ss=9 (Executive/novel problem solving)
13 items above average------------------------------------------------------>
4. Average
a. Visuaospatial analysis and construction, SS-105 (Visuoperceptual/ Visuoconstructive abilities)
b. Delayed memory (verbal and visual), SS=103 (Learning and memory)
c. Novel problem solving that requires abstraction and mental flexibility perseverative responses, SS-100 (Executive/novel problem solving)
d. Novel problem solving dependent on planning and efficiency, SS=100 (Executive/novel problem solving)
e. Recognition paradigm, z-score=0 (Learning and memory)
f. Novel problem solving that requires abstraction and mental flexibility, SS=99 (Executive/novel problem solving)
g. Recognition of visual information after viewing the stimuli, ss=9 (Learning and memory)
h. Speeded word generation to letters and semantic categories (letter fluency), ss=9 (Executive/novel problem solving)
Midline of 16 average items 8 above, 8 below--------------------------->
i. Speeded word generation to letters and semantic categories (Category fluency), ss=9 (Executive/novel problem solving)
j. Grip strength (grip dominant and nondominant hands, ss=9 (Motor functioning)
k. Broad neuropsychological screening measures, SS=91 (Gen Intel and Overall Neuropsych functioning)
l. Intact naming and verbal fluency SS=91 (Language)
m. Learn and spontaneously recall a visuospatial array, T=52 (Learning and memory)
n. Sustained visual attention and concentration, Error T=43 (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
o. Speeded digit symbol coding (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
p. Discriminate between sources of information (Learning and memory)
13 items under average------------------------------------------------------>
5. Low (below) Average
a. Attention index, SS=85 (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
b. Immediate memory (verbal and visual), SS=85 (Learning and memory)
c. Inhibit over learned responses under timed conditions, Interference, T=42 (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
d. Timed-visuomotor scanning and rapid sequencing task (attention divided and sequenced between numbers and letters, T=42 (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
6. Mildly Impaired
a. Spontaneous recall after a delay w/semantic cuing, z-score=-1 (Learning and memory)
b. Inhibit responses to non-target stimuli, Error T=43 (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
c. Spontaneous recall after a delay, z-score=-1.5 (Learning and memory)
7. Mild to Moderately Impaired
a. Intermediate memory for thematically organized verbal information with delay, ss=7 (Learning and memory)
b. Intermediate memory for thematically organized verbal information (i.e., stories), ss=6 (Learning and memory)
c. Visual memory task with complex figures immediately after viewing the stimuli and with longer delay, ss=6 (Learning and memory)
d. Immediate auditory attention (Att, work mem, and speeded proc)
e. Verbal list learning task (Learning and memory)
8. Moderately Impaired
a. Learning additional information over 5 trials, T=32 (Learning and memory)
b. Initial acquisition of information, z-score -2 (Learning and memory)
n=42
Note: Standard scores (SS) have a mean of 100 and a standard deviation of 15; T-scores have a mean of 50 and a standard deviation of 10; Scales scores (ss) have a mean of 10 and a standard deviation of 3; z-scores have a mean of 0 and a standard deviation of 1.
Ok, thanks. I feel better now. I’ve sent Dr. M. the work and will hope that he will print it out for the meeting so that we’re all on MY page!
Hehehe
AHA! V’s FINALLY up!! Bum slept until 6 am his time! This is what happens when people semi-retire! They start lolli-gagging. Hehehe I can say this because he’s gone for coffee hehehe
Stuff to Do ...
Good morning … I want to say first thank you for all the nice compliments. We think our granddaughter is kinda cute too. Believe me I didn’t have to do anything for her to get that way. She’s pretty wonderful. Her mother and father are doing a good job. And, soon there will be another. Their doctor said due date is within a week or two. My daughter-in-law says it couldn’t be too soon. She says she’s REALLY pregnant. Gotta love mothers … let’s say another God Bless!
This morning I felt at a different place with the depression. We’re taking ourselves up a level to just “cautious.” Thing is then to play it low key for a week and see how it goes. Our major markers yet are seeing the memory guy tomorrow with Dr. M., a staffing, and two CSO people out on Friday, then the neurosurgeon on Monday late afternoon. We’ll have a good amount of school work to be going through over the weekend too. Otherwise, should be getting better. Our sweetie pie is on his third round with his cold though. He said it started again yesterday. Have to count that in too. AND, V isn’t feeling too hot. Plus, T still out … she says she’s too busy, but I’m wondering about the nekid cowboy. We don’t REALLY know what’s going on down there in Arizona, do we?!!
We’re still playing the John Denver songs. Not sure what is up there. We’ve been loving it to here his voice. Whoops and the cat is still staring at me. Not sure of that situation. Maybe he is telling me he doesn’t like his food again. He seems to think we serve smorgasbord. That’s sooo wrong!
Shoot we have housecleaning this morning too. The apartment people are coming in to put insulation in the roof. Maybe I shouldn’t have kept my balcony doors open all winter?? Hmm. I sure hope when the kitties go into hiding mood they don’t choose to hide under my bed, because the guys are going to be in my bedroom. The crawl space opens through my closet. Figures bunch of guys in my bedroom, and I’m not even here! NO FAIR!!
Ok, that’s enough of that kind of thinking.
Shoot … having harder time holding good space. I think it is partly the music. But, I don’t want to turn it off. It fills a hole inside of me.
Ok. Better again. Just have to do something I suppose. We picked up the place for the maintenance people. That makes us feel better. Going to need some help getting the floors clean. Anything would be an improvement. I think your right in that it is a good idea to keep a good attitude. This blue spell will come and go. Just have to pay attention. Hmm, even cleaned the kitty litter … YAYYYY! We opened the drapes for them too. Figure they might not go for my cave dwelling self. Kinda more cheery in here. Ahh, appropriate last song before work is “Sunshine on My Shoulders.”
I think I did everything necessary. Yep, toilet too hehehe Darn Men. They gotstabe going all the time! Let’s see fresh towel … what else, what else. Hmm, should I start the dishwasher? Naw that will wait I don’t want it sitting in the middle of the floor. Woo Hoo … This has been our biggest obstacle of the day and we MASTERED IT! Ok, step II. Somebody has to earn the kitty food! Yep … that be me!
Not so Happy :(
Just me. I know that I’m not supposed to write during the middle of the day, but I’m feeling a little pressure and it is still lunch, so I figured it might be ok.
This morning I talked to Dr. M. The first 40 minutes or so we were going through depression with one of the parts. He says that we’re taking a lot of anger inside from one thing or another and it is affecting our mood. We feel better after talking about some of the concerns. And then, during the last part of the hour, we remembered to ask about the MRI Report that was supposed to be there today.
Dr. M. found the report. This is the summary impression that the physician left:
1. Central disc herniated causing moderate spinal stenosis and right posterolateral disc protrusion causing exiting nerve root impingement at the L4/L5 level.
2. Mild left paracentral disc protrusion at L5/S1 without any evidence for associated mass effect or neural foraminal narrowing.
3. DJD at multiple levels along the lumbar spine.
We knew about the DJD along the lumbar spine … that’s degenerative joint disease, or our osteoarthritis. As to points 2 and 3, mild seems better than moderate, and I think both sound better then if they had said severe. I think pretty much it means I have a herniated disk causing a narrowing in my spinal something and a disk that is sticking it to a nerve that is leaving the spine area. Dr. M. says sciatica is just the label for that nerve is getting pinched. Umm, like ok. Now what?
But, Dr. M. decided to go silent on the issue. Just kept saying I don’t know this isn’t my area of expertise. Likely story! Hmpf!
So, after a bit figured it was time and we had to go back to work. Dr. M. recommended that we call the regular doctor and ask her questions. So, we did. Left a message. Then, of course, being me, I got on the Internet and started figuring stuff out. But, because of memory problems I am not going to be able to convey much knowledge. I was picking it up though.
Fortunately, the Doctor called back earlier than later. She said she had the lab and MRI findings in front of her. She seemed like she was in a rush. I was like trying to slow her down so I could understand, but she was talking pretty fast. She didn’t like the diabetes lab tests that showed me as a 9.4 where 6.0 is supposed to top of the scale. She said that could wait until my next appointment in a couple weeks. She also said I have one of those female problems that need antibiotics. Was fine. But, then as she was rambling off all the other stuff she said, and I am going to schedule you for an appointment with Dr. Slavin the Neurosurgeon. It was then like WHAT!?? What did you say?? She was obviously not happy with slowing down. It seems there is some issues that are affecting other issues. Basically, I think she’s not sure of something I’m having trouble labeling. But, she said it could be that other situation. Then she was saying something like … you can make the time, right?! I want you to go in as soon as possible. ACK!!!! She got the appointment lady on the phone and because she wanted to work with this one specific doctor a compromise was made. We’ll go in a week, next Monday at 4:30 pm.
So, ok … here we are again … we’re pretty sure that now we are on a fast track to our demise.
I read about this earlier when we were looking things up. I think basically, it comes down to the fact we are having trouble … ok, I’m just saying it … CONTINENCE!!! DAMN there goes some of Dr. M’s missing anger! The info from the computer said that if this happens WITH the herniated disk, narrowing whatever … then it is much more important to be seen right away and surgery is likely. I think because whatever is not quite right its affecting a major body process and they really like that not to happen. Dr. Albright said she was going to get a hold of this other doctor in the meantime to see if the appointment couldn’t get moved up.
So, now I am like an excitably depressed basket case. Ok, come on V. Give it your best … no reason to worry about surgery, until if you have to go through it? Right? No big deal. We don't even know yet. Everything’s just the same as before. Shoot, at least let me say this is an interesting development??? AND, I’M A LITTLE BITTY SCARED! AND, while we're skirmishing ... please, please not the test where they shoot you in the back, I mean spine! That be just damn mean!
Hmm, What is your task?
Hi. I’m pretty late in writing today. It is almost evening. I haven’t really done much with the day, except try to relax. I’ve been visiting, not much more. The last bit of time was in exploring with the music thingy. Something brought me to John Denver. So, now I am on a 224 song spurt. I haven’t heard his voice for a very long time. My Uncle introduced us to John Denver. As much as I didn’t like him, he had gotten my cousin quite a few records and while on a weekend up at the lake, he had worked very hard to convince my drunken-angst father it wasn’t sacrilegious to have Denver in the house. My father had a thing against “rock” stars. The number of records he owned (we weren’t allowed to own) was about 4” wide. I listened to John Denver bout as much as I dared. Listening was something you did in private not when other family members could be bothered. I liked him. Eventually, this led to the purchase of one slim Bobby Sherman record. But, let’s not get too radical here … Anyway, no one to stop me now and it doesn’t matter how uncool he might be … Annie will be a song I want played at my funeral. J It will be my tribute to my friend.
We read about Denver’s death just now. We remember that he had died in an air plane crash, but I never had listened for details. He had a bad ending. It was a straight drop of 150 feet with an experimental plane he had just bought and was testing. They said it was mostly due to shortage of fuel, inaccessible fuel gauges, and lack of pilot training. At the time papers speculated that he had been drinking, but there was evidence to justify no drinking. To my knowledge his ex’s, three kids, and the government are still arguing over a 7-9 million dollar estate. There was no will. One site listed the body parts not found. That seems to be where we get stuck. We’re going to listen a while and chase away these images.
I liked him. I even liked his God movie. Yup, I’m 46 years old and finally admitting I like John Denver. J Makes me feel good. Like being redeemed a little J
“Sometimes I fly like an Eagle; sometimes I’m deep in despair.” John Denver
Ok, ok … lets push this forward a little … been nursing a little depression, but pretty sure I don’t want to go there.
The only notes from work yesterday related to a fairly good day at working toward order and getting things done. And, then we had good feelings about the Thinking Group, to which even Sister couldn’t take away, though she tried. The Thinking Group is the last organized activity on Friday’s. The clients go out to their waiting transportation from there. One of the ladies couldn’t find her lunch box. Sr. became angry and was in her imposing position, so after being attacked for wanting to help remove the garbage, I withdrew. But, after a smoke I had gone up front to work on a report with the one remaining DSP. It’s for another staffing on Tuesday. That was going well and we were about finished (4 pm) when Sr. charged in. She was yelling again, because the client who keeps his lunch box in the tray attached to his walker was also missing his lunchbox. She went into a tirade about how idiotic it had been to have the clients put their bags under their chairs, because obviously this was the problem and how that will never happen again.
I left and went back to my office. I couldn’t figure it out. If I was ever going to use those color pencils with 46 people crowded around tables 5-6 deep, and the table was holding all their belongings, how were we going to be able to do it. Were we ever going to draw again? Surely this couldn’t be what just happened. But, it did. We can’t use the tables. It left me feeling pretty confused. Angry. Depressed. But, the advice at the time and since then is to let it go. Not to fight it, just let it go and work around it.
So then, we started looking at the pictures that the clients had drawn that day before the lunchbag crises.
It had been a good session. After everyone was settled. Shoot that wasn’t easy either. Sister had come in at the beginning of the meeting screaming because she thought someone might use an extra chair from the side by wall. She counts chairs in use, but hadn’t taken into consideration lunch is missing one of the groups that come in for the Thinking group (The low functioning group). The room quieted down. There were six people left standing. There was a moment of silence. I asked out loud, “Are all the chairs taken?” The clients responded there were no chairs left. I just stood there not doing anything. Sister was still standing angrily at the door. Then she crossed the floor sputtering something grabbed a chair from the side and a clients arm and said, “you go over there!” Etc. We thought everyone was sitting, but then one more client came in, she grumbled and snapped at him, “You are always a Johnny come lately, always needing to make a grand entrance!” She stormed out without getting him a chair. We made sure he got a chair.
Ok, NOW after this part it was good. I began working with some volunteers to get things set up. We got out the boxes of colored pencils and had them distributed. Then we had someone distribute rubber bands to the tables. Then we had someone distribute a sheet of paper. And, the last person distributed green 1” dots that were stuck in the middle on one side of the paper. Then we took 20 minutes to go through together the process of taking out 40 sets of pencils and placing double rubber bands around them. Hehehe you’ll have to trust me … this was not an easy task, but one that when finished I asked them to give themselves a round of applause. They were proud of their accomplishment. I said, “Ok, here is where the work begins!”
I had them take out one color from their bundles, any color, and told them to draw one circle around the dot. That was a challenge for some of them. Each round we would go in and out between the tables and check work, encourage, or praise. The next instruction was to put that color away and take out a different color, and then I asked them to draw two circles around the last two circles. We went up to four circles with the fourth color before stopping. Again, each round things were checked. Most were paying close attention and for the ones that weren’t we assisted. Then, I told them that we were going to draw them on the paper, but we needed something to represent them. Hehehe yep used the word represent. Good word. One of the ideas was taken. The volunteer had said why don’t we use an arrow. So, we said fine, fine idea. I said, but first I want you to look at that green dot. Most of them focused and I repeated a couple of times using different words, that dot represents the thing you value most, the thing that is most important to you. Then I said go ahead draw you on the paper. It’s about the most amazing thing when doing something like this. Although they are for the most part using the same elements, the pictures look very, very different from one another. After this round, we asked them to use a cross to represent God. They all placed their marks. I said lastly place a box representing your goal work here at the center. I know I had pushed their concentration pretty much, so I ended it by just saying are you happy with where everything is at? Then because there was like 8 minutes left I told them to turn over the paper and someone placed yellow dots on the backside. I said this lesson has been on value. Now in the last minutes I want you to draw something of value. Some wise guy in the group said “a whopper!” Everyone laughed. Turns out a lot of Mickey D signs, hamburgers, and pizzas were drawn. *giggle*
It had been a good session. I will officially “figure out” what happened on the papers sometime next week after Tuesday. They do so terrific. It was just great!
So, that concluded my official hard week. J Pretty good, hmm?
I think it took a while getting out the door, to the bank, finish dinner and be relaxed for my friend to come over. He is always special. We mostly talk and massage. This time he let me talk. He said I want to hear more about your medical situation, what did Dr. M. say? Hehehe that kept us busy for quite a while. Ahh, then you gotta know its going to get mushy soon enough and here we are finishing up the paragraph right fast! *Silly Grin!*
Hmm, we’re already up to Saturday … umm not much, but think I said before mostly reading blogs. We’ll turn on TV tomorrow for the football games. I have of course impending homework. But, it seems I have to get all caught up with one part of my life, before I can get into the other. That is the nature of weekend relaxation. It just doesn’t always happen, because you wake up and it is Saturday morning!
I had started something earlier that I wanted to continue when I got a free chance. Remember Bill’s work on the Meaning of Life?? We had done the introduction and first thing we would do after we landed on Earth. Now the next thing is we are going to have tasks to do. This is what Bill has got to say.
2. You Will...
HAVE TASKS
You come here to do certain specific things. You may have one task or many. Your tasks may be obvious to you. or you may need time, effort, maybe struggle even to clarify your tasks. You may never quite even clarify your task until the moment your time in this body ends. You may work on your task for years before you realize, “This is my task.” The tasks you came to perform may take the whole of your life or be done in an instant. You may be aware you are performing your life task while you do it.
You may perform your task quickly, hardly noticing anything special, unaware you are doing the task you came to do while you do it.Your task may be so easy, obvious and natural,you never even wonder, "What is my task?" Your unique blend of talents and interests may lead you to your task and you just do it. Or, your task may be a constant, unpleasant struggle you fight every step of the way. Your task may be noble and wonderful and gain you recognition, rewards and honors. Or, it may be simple, totally unnoticeable while you do it.
AHA! That’s what I’ve been missing. I have to clarify my task! Ok, now YOU!!! If you’ve been reading along comfortably … this is your time to jump on in … There are going to be 44 parts or things we are going to think through over quite a while. Now on my regular entries people can get by with saying, “Yes, yes Ann … you did well. Nice!” And, most times I might add to looking for this kind of affirmation. BUT, this isn’t one of those times. If you are still here at my blog reading … it is time for you to become proactive. Before you read any further of what I’ve got to say, go straight over to the comments and answer for yourself a meaning of life challenge. Ask, “What task(s) do I have to do? It’s ok to read Bill’s clues J Good luck! Oh yeah in the nature of good blogging, if you should per chance want to think about this kind of thing more in-depth, please, do not hesitate to take a question back home to your own blog. It be neater if you linked back, but my reading your answers isn’t key here.
No cheating ok??? And, don’t be going looking for hints! Ya gotta think about it for a few minutes! Go ahead, go ahead. We got time. J
Ok, now that everyone has scampered off, we gotta figure out our tasks. Not so easy for a multiple. One task might be to get to the bathroom on time, and another task to write self-books for adults with developmental disabilities. But, as I’m thinking now we’re going to have to figure out one tasks that umbrellas all the other tasks.
I think we should have a particular task to help us focus better. You know something that unifies us. We've got an inkling of a task now, but we can't say its real obvious to us. It's kind of obviously sitting in our blind spot. I think we'll take a task that we need to struggle through. We figure God would surely give us something challenging! It's gotta be big enough to take a lifetime to do, but something even the younger parts will understand. Hmm, its interesting thinking about what the way young parts do for us. Think its lining up.
What's on our mind so far has something to do with peoples sense of personal satisfaction and happiness. I figure that that is a pretty big challenge. Yes, now looking at it all spelled out, I quite like it! Its too early to figure out if cranky, angry people find happiness in being that way. I'm going to take an educated guess not! I don't know they still might smile like when we were young and killed ants with squirt guns. Believe me we've certainly paid for that sin! Sorry Pastor Tang.
Hmm, thinking of scrooge here … no, no, no we better take it just as it is, because for some people making a pile of money, might really make them happy. We don't want to place our values on them. Now, the big question and reason why I think we qualify for this position in life. It has to do pretty much because of the abuse and the ramifications after that. It leads to our suspicious motives!
Well, it's pretty obvious my mother didn't care for us. She might have loved us in the sense of however she knew love which was pretty twisted. My Grandfather might have showed mercy sometimes, but that's really not love. I think he got from the sexual abuse more than he was giving out. Did this make him happy? Made his little penis jingly and satisfied. I suppose even he could have been happy with pulling this off. Point being since this is now MY life we're talking about, I think we had some unhappy experiences. BUT, the curious thing is that we've always found happiness somewhere. There's always been that saving grace that some good would come from what our minds could find. Was Corey happy during her two years of mourning for her best friend at 10? Hmm, I think considering what one can within a moment of time. Corey was happy in that most often she lived in a fantasy world with her dead friend. Its hard to imagine the sadness we feel in having watched this through so many years. But, in general, Corey is still a happy person and we are personally satisfied with that! YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
Ok, seems to be working out so far. We certainly couldn't have life meaning if we weren't somehow also attached to helping others be personally satisfied and happy. But, it can't be all about helping others, because sometimes individually and as a group, WE need to regroup. Because if we aren't getting to the good stuff, how can we think others would. AND, there is a very important argument here that not everyone wants help. Seems like there are a lot of sensitive souls out there that are either very independent or pretty stubborn … hehehe maybe the same thing. If people were just to go out helping people there would be a tremendous amount of boundary invasion. People be saying, "Did I ask for your help?" Um, better add a cranky category. Yup, yup … we'll just leave helping others be an option IF they want help. :) Ok, that works for me!
So, how do we go about all this personal and SOMEtimes other orientated good willing?? Hmm, that's an interesting thought what happens we make our task good willing instead of personal satisfaction and happiness. That would get us more past the truly cranky and bad tempered. For them it would mean like walking on the opposite side of the street be good willing! And how bout for ourselves. Kind of turned things like self-acceptance. Hmm, that sure make a lot of people smile! Anything we'd lose? Hmm, how about that statement, "I did good!" that has to be in here somewhere. Hmm, a little tenuous, but I really think it would be catchy to be a good willer. I don't think too many people are using it! Though there's a lot of people cross the world that do promote good will, and so they they are like good willers. Eh, I can say then that I'm hangin with a pretty good crowd!
Think too it goes along with my career choice of being an eccentric old woman. Eccentric people can be very much good willers! PERFECT. Ok, let's test out the next variable.
I still think we'll struggle, because we didn't come by good will naturally, we had to work for it and still do. You wouldn't imagine the nasty thought we had toward Sr., but we stopped that pretty much right away. Good!
It be a waste not to claim this task until we were dead! I think some of us inside have tried that, but we should mark it with a big failure. We've practiced being dead or willing ourselves to be dead a lot, but it never seems to take. Hmmm Once we talked to God about it. We were pretty darn steamed. We said, I WANT TO DIE NOW! God said see those padded walls? Made them special for you! You got lots more to do yet. Hmpf! He's always got some such attitude!
It has taken me years to accomplish this task. All the 46 and a half years til just now. I sure hope previous task experience counts! Hate to think child rearing in particular wasn't a great big life lesson in something!
It's a life long task. I'm barely going to have enough time before dying before I get it all done!
Hmm, I'm pretty cloudy about whether I know what I am doing at ANY time.
Shoot, "Annie's Song" just came on again. I was dripping tears through it this time too. Yup yup … I want that song sung for my friend when I die. Could somebody be accountable for that for me? I know better do it ourselves. NOT that we're planning on going anytime soon! But it's gotta be that and Ava Maria. Ok, enough of that …
Ok, where were we? That's right we barely ever know what we're doing. So, I don't need to notice when good willing is being accomplished. Wow … lots of good willers actually, just think of the Good Will people! Forgot about them. Hmm, too much a crowd? Naw, we'll specialize in small private jobs :)
The task can be easy, obvious and natural, like when we're really busy and a client comes in and says, "Ms Ann I need to talk to you." Shoot makes my heart get all soggy. It's kind of funny in that respect. I was just thinking that as far as chairs people visit … I think I have one of the most well spent chairs in the building. Hehehe actually pretty easy though. Our friend and Margarita aren't around much in their shared office and Sr. and the other Q. pile stuff on top of their chairs. Usually, the remain sitting and they expect the person coming in to stand before them. Just see no sense in that. I've got two wonderful guest chairs and if they are not ready immediately when someone comes in I'm clearing them off. I love it! I've got everything but the can marked 5 cents. *giggle* AHA! I bet V needs one of these! Birthday is all set up then!
I think I am especially qualified because no matter what I feel like we're happy people … that's got to be a talent. *Gigglin* Probably one of the few diagnosed severe chronic depressants you know that really feels good most times. Whoops. Time for the happy pill! NAW don't do that to us! Ok … ok … but, we still got to take the medicine? Ok, going…
Done.
Hehehe no we mean Done. Pills, our task goal … All done. Just me and JD left. Ohh and the kitty cat that tells me it is time for bed. Silly kitty.
Ok, ok. Nitey Nite! And, don't forget to post YOUR part!
Short note for a short day
Good morning,
Just us. It’s about 4:15 now … we’ve been up for about an hour and a half taking care of B-Business. Thought I should leave some kind of an update … well, that and mostly cuz I like to write in the morning J
Let’s see as far as updates??
Sr. got on the intercom at work yesterday morning about 20 minutes after getting there. She had to go out so suggested that each of the group say their prayers in the rooms and that they pray for the state inspectors. Then she simply said, there were problems, but we did very well. And, then later she announced the center had received 97%. This pretty much stunned the hell out of everyone. Especially, for the amount of bad karma she was spreading yesterday, we were all made to think that the problems were SOOOO big, that we were near failing. Sooooo, let’s just slide past this inspection and get on with the business of doing business! What a roller coaster though! One more thing … she took over the staff training session for an impromptu staff meeting. She kept heaping praise on the DSPs saying how wonderful they did. This was kind of an unfair thing to do in that 2 of the 5 were interviewed and that was that. No paperwork, no heavy duty projects, no special programs - just had to smile and be nice. Pretty hard on the Q’s, but I guess that be the nature of the beast?? Let it go!
We had one other meeting … the behavior meeting. But, because Sister wasn’t there the other Q was better – not trying so hard to impress, so that was ok. Sister tacked on a new responsibility with the minutes portion that I do, so I suppose we’ll have to get to that right away this morning. Will be good for us. And, I have 10-11 Qnotes to write by Tuesday so that will be a chore, AND there will be a staffing on Tuesday and Friday so we’ll have to go over that. Then, we’re into the normal business of business in just trying to get things accomplished. I am looking forward actually to the new CARF materials coming in for a change of pace. Now that the major State inspection is over for the year, we can breathe a little easier. Just need to stay on top of things.
We had our Dr. M. appointment last night. We went over some of the activities of Tuesday and Wednesday. And, then we spent a good amount of time going over the Dr.’s report for our regular doctor appointment. There weren’t too many surprises … just a lot of things have to get accomplished. I did schedule for the appointment to check the nerves in my left hand. Dr. M. said I wasn’t going to like that test either. He said they hook a lot of wires to my arm and do tests stimulating the nerves. Yeeks. I think that one is coming up like the 27th. We talked about getting two more tests done which I am having trouble scheduling. The one test is a fast and the other one is the sleep apnea one. I just haven’t convinced ourselves we could survive a night without smokes and computer. I think they are going to win out, because I know they are serious and it needs to be done … just a vice a vice.
Another thing we talked about was meeting with the memory/attention psychiatrist. Dr. M. says that he would be free to talk with both of us next Thursday during our regularly scheduled time. That means by the Monday appointment, he is going to want to draw up a list of questions. That will be a weekend assignment. The last thing was the MRI test. They said that it will be completed by Monday. I don’t know if they meant Monday by 8 am though so Dr. M. and us can talk about it. I guess the worse case scenario is that I ask him to send an email or call. Hmm, seems to me we have an infection we have to take care of too. L He said after the regular doctor checks the blood work; she will most likely call to set up some anti-biotics. Shoot, shoot when it rains it pours. Damm … one more thing … I had a lousy 3 month reading on blood sugar for the diabetes. Meaning the lab said I was a 9.4 where the top range is supposed to be a 6.0. Dr. M. said the highest he’s ever seen the number go is 12.0 … so I suppose that’s not good. I had thought I was doing good because I had been losing weight. Probably means the dr. is going to want to adjust the diabetes medicine L Drat hassle and cost!
So that’s that with that stuff. School will be one of the next realities and most likely our friend too. I’m not sure if he has scheduled a game for tonight though or not. I guess there is not to be much said here. Sometimes, I miss our friend, but it will only have been 2-3 days since seeing him L Shoot, got down again …think we’re going to lie down.
Hmm, back up again … it’s now about 7:00 am. I’m giving myself about a half hour to wake up. Umm, I’m not done yet.
Ahh Vster!
We've been tagged by
Bon and Mal to reveal Five Guilty Pleasures - so:
1. Sneaking off in the woods to get umm romantic, yes that’s it!
2. Governor’s Chicken from See-through Kitchen Chinese
3. Having fun on-line with almost every minute of non-work time
4. Writing in my blog on early Saturday mornings, even before homework is done.
5. Spending money for books and programs at Amazon
6. (Bonus – Waiting to jump my lover at the door!)
I think we now get to do this to others YAYYYY -
VinceTJ DebMaria Darla!
(We hear
Gab gets an exemption)
Ummm, thanks
Bon and Mal you've reminded us how much more fun to think of being more naughty than nice! Need to check my standings though ... don't want to mess up with Santa '06!
Let's Call this a Day from Hell (warning long)
Good morning,
Just me. It’s about 2:15 am and the kitties decided it was time to be up and atum. So, we go through the processes that are important for a successful start. The kitties have been fed, washroom completed, and coffee has been made. We even went the extra yard and made some more ice water. YAYYYY Diets!!
I’m not sure what to say next, but the thought “we survived a day of hell and back,” comes to mind. Straight off the top of the list, we had our surprise state inspection, a staffing, 5 extra files checked, with the threat of three more on Tuesday, and then we followed that up with lab tests and an MRI. Pshwoo! Like let’s not try that all again in one day.
The worst of it was the state inspection. They used to give you a day in advance and let you pick out your own case files. Usually, we would have two of ours checked and the other Q would have two of hers checked. This time there was absolutely no warning and they chose the files they wanted to check. The first call came from the secretary. She said Sr. wanted us to know that they were in the building. I had been preparing clients one at a time and was up to 10 of the 20 files good. But, then Sr. called back and said, they wanted specific files. One they chose happened to be the client I was staffing that morning, but the other file had not been prepared up to tip top shape.
I went through what I can only describe as white blazing fear. I don’t know how many minutes went by for the shock to wear off. I have to admit honestly that dishonesty was one of my first actual thoughts. Then sense overtook poor reason, and I thought no … I’ve got to own up to what I have and have not done. Please believe me when I say it was a trembly moment. I didn’t think that Sr. would fire me, but I knew this would be reason enough if she had wanted. Not being ready for a State inspection was about the worst thing that you could do wrong as a Q. This wasn’t the usual guys coming to view records, although one of those guys was in too. The lesser state guy is hired from the government to look over our records, where the greater of the two was actually the state government checking records.
I was first between the Q’s, because the other one wasn’t in yet, and they were trying to get me done before the 10 am staffing, which of course, I was still preparing for (although on the better side). It helped that the parent was 30 minutes late, but by then the state contracted guy was going through my files too. He and I are used to each other, so I am not as threatened by him, although you certainly have to be paying attention.
We got through the first file pretty good … I was able to show all the proper documents and I was able to answer her questions. It was like one down, one to go and the second file was the iffy one. I told her upfront that this file wasn’t as good. The inspector was new, although her partner was familiar with our center because he’d been there before.
The one looking at the file was pretty nice. She was very complimentary on two points. The first was that she really liked our Qnote format. I think I’ve shown it to you once before. It’s got three 3-4” calendars representing the three goals for the month, then it has a big pink box and a couple moss green boxes. Hehehe actually its very cool color displayed. Looks sharp. In the big pink box we’ve got the numbers and general comments, then in one of the gray boxes we leave areas to be improved, and the other areas that are successful. She raved about how efficient and good looking it was, to the degree, she made sure Sr. Tess knew how much she appreciated it. It was like on man this can’t get much better. I had worked on the format last July and I was very pleased with it myself, as were the DSPs.
The second area she complimented us highly was on how many personal notes were written on each of the clients. This was another point she brought to Sr.’s attention. She stated that most places they visited there were just bare bones comments that didn’t show any real involvement with the clients. I made sure she saw that I kept Q. Chrononotes on my people. She enjoyed that too. She said this was very helpful and she appreciated that even though she did not know the client, she could read the sentences and feel like she understood the clients problems. The Q. chrono is something that I heard of from the start of my employ, but it had faded from the center’s usage. I had begun them again a year ago and I’ve given good time toward them. I was especially happy, because with the new Q. assistant, I make sure those notes are caught up. If I have any special talks with a client (happens about 6-7 times a week), then it is written on a notecard, and when the assistant comes in Thursday mornings, she charts it officially. I don’t know what possessed me, but the last time she was in, I had her pull all the clients Q chrono’s from her computer and I had inserted them in the official files. That turned out to be very much in our favor.
There were two more situations that worked out in our favor. The first was that she told me that in reality two extra weeks added to the time frame of which an annual report must be made. The annual is supposed to be in exactly one year or less from the time of the last one. In both situations, I had clients that had extended time in Mexico 3-4 weeks which made them late, but fortunately, they were each within that two week spare time. She also gave us the directive that in the future, we could have the staffing without the client and family, and then have a second meeting afterward when they’d gotten back. That was very good information and will help us in the future. But, for the time being I was safe!
The second thing that had helped me was that although I’d had one file caught up on Qnotes officially to the right date, the other was behind. But, I had thought while she was looking at the file of the DSP Goal Data Sheets which are in the same format of the Qnote, but hand written and not quite as specific as a Qnote. BUT, the lady accepted the DSP Goal Data sheet as having gotten in a Qnote. She considered it as a rough draft, which is basically what it is. The numbers haven’t been tallied, and I know that not all state inspectors would have let me gotten by with that because they weren’t signed by me or dated, but if I hadn’t mentioned it already I was pretty darn lucky.
I will never, never go through this kind of fear again. I am going to get those files ALL in shape, so I never have to be this scared.
The second part of the story is that which happened to the other Q. She like us had planned to have always ready two files, and she showed evidence when I looked at also having worked on 10 files, though none of them were complete, but as I’ve mentioned before, the State chose their own files, which didn’t include ones she had worked with. And to make matters worse. One of the clients was new, and had left already, but for the 4-5 months he was there, there weren’t any notes or records. Nor were there any monthly Qnotes from her second client they had chosen. I felt very badly for her. She was at a terrible, terrible place.
She then made things worse for herself. After waiting about 20 minutes from when they’d asked for the files and when she came out with the first, she claimed that her computer had gone down, and that somebody must have messed with it, and erased everything on her system. Of course, the odds of this happening are pretty slim and didn’t go so well with the state. Not only had she configured a lie, she was blaming it on other staff or clients, which in my book is so super uncool it is unbelievable. There was a time during her period of being with them that I was watching the switchboard for the secretary, the other Q. and Sr. Tess because they were either out to lunch or tied up with the state people. The other Q. was supposed to go back for the second file and as she passed me at the secretarial station, she hissed that this was all my fault. She said, I was going to make out as the perfect child and she was going to look like sh**. We only gave her a sympathetic look. We knew this was her style and she was running like a scared rabbit.
Later, when Sr. was down in our office, because pretty much she’d been going from one staff to another telling them how horrible this was and what the other Q. had done, she asked me about helping the other Q. retrieve her lost notes. I told her I honestly believed that the notes weren’t done and the computer was a cover up. I also told her that the other Q was having the assistant write the notes, so if they had been done they would be on the assistant’s computer, which they were. But, for the sake of argument, I went into my computer and pressed the right network buttons. And, true enough the other Q’s files had all been erased. I showed Sr. … this is your computer files, and I should have been able to press the other Q’s button and gotten access to her files as well. But, they were clearly missing.
Later after I was done with my upfront chores and had had a smoke, I thought, maybe to the other Q’s benefit I should check out her computer. I had passed her while she was working on Sr.’s computer and she looked pretty much like she was in shock. I had also heard, because the grape vine was running rampant that she had asked lesser knowledgeable DSP’s to look at her computer, though very clearly, she had not asked me although at the Center I am the one who holds the most knowledge in this area. When I got to Sr.’s office where she was … Sr. had come in and had just stepped back of her desk. I looked at the other Q and noted she was typing in Qnotes from scratch and I thought, maybe she was past that other point and had settled down into the fact she had to do the work. When I looked up at Sr. she gave me a silent but kind gesture not to say or do anything.
I think bottom line, no matter how angry Sr. was yesterday, and will be today and for many months now afterward, I appreciated that gesture of humanity; she had shown to the other Q. The other thing going for the other Q. was that the State people intentionally took a two hour lunch they told Sr. to give the other Q. a chance to have gotten some of the work in. There was one more thing going in the center’s favor, well several more actually. The general 97% of the center was in very good shape with no problems noted, the center and the clients always do well, the interviews had gone well with the parent (who had the staffing) and with the staff, and because there was a meeting for the center’s advisory counsel, our friend had been in the building and was helpful in calming down Sr.
I was also relieved because the work I do as a staff trainer had been caught up and officially filed in Sr.’s office. I did catch some hell for the fact that one of the staff who acts as job coach, driver, and housekeeper did not complete her first aid training. She was gone on the day that I had somebody in for the training and when I asked her when she was going in, she shook her head and said, I’m not going, I don’t need it. At that point, I should have realized, but didn’t that I had to enforce her going. Although, I knew at the time that Sister always sheltered this employee from doing the regular stuff. Like if it had been more convenient that the woman pick up milk and bread for Sister instead of attending a staff meeting, she would have gone that way. And, as it turned out while we were up with Sr. looking at her daughters (the assistants) first aid record and knew she didn’t have to go to July, I told her I had no doubt the daughter would have gone somewhere with her mother to get the task accomplished. The mother has though a 8th grade Spanish education and would have clearly wanted to avoid the classroom work. Sr. told me in her low, private voice that if we got through this without them specifically telling her to get the training done, we were going to skip it, which was my take on it the first time, but I realize that Sr. needed someone to blame, and in part it really was my fault although this usually comes in Sr.’s range of doing things, because I have responsibility over the staff, but no authority and this particular person is like a protected pet of Sr.s because she is so valuable to Sr. *Sigh* so much, so much.
I also came out pretty well in the interview portion. There weren’t any questions that I couldn’t answer and in truth many of the questions were safety orientated like what would happen if someone were hit, abused, or found missing or dead. Also, there were rights questions. All of these things I had covered with the staff training in recent months, or had answered through our work with CARF accreditation, so we were in good shape. He told me afterward, that I knew quite a bit of information. To which I thanked him and proudly stated, I should know these things because I was the staff trainer. I think the last question that I thought was interesting was that he had asked not only about my understanding of Sr., which of course we gave her a high rating EVEN THOUGH she wrote us up hehehe, I surely know HOW to answer an interviewer as to “public” information. And, he asked if I felt challenged. I told him that Sr. had shown good confidence with me and that I not only had the client part of a caseload, but she’d given me staff training and CARF accreditation, so there was plenty to keep me interested and motivated. YAYYYY V. would say, [Top answerer!] *giggle*
There was one last thing I wanted to write for the record. Although, I feel sorry for the other Q to the degree I told Sr. I wouldn’t say anything bad about her, because it could have as well been me in that hot seat, I won’t demean her even though she lashes out at others. No gloating on this one. I was more fearful the other Q. was going to have a heart attack, the pressure on her was so great. The thing of note was though interesting in that first, the regular state guy who was in for the staffing and had stayed to read notes hehehe I know he would have, even though I think he was as interested in the drama as everyone else. He stuck close to our office at the Assistants desk right past my desk wall. I know you can hear things through the door/wall, but most often I’d left it open. But, the thing that was soooo funny, was the amount of traffic in my office. Because I was so aware what the regular state guy was thinking, I just had to laugh. Everyone it seemed picked up more and more information, including Sr. and our friend, and they returned to my office often as an update station. I don’t know why that tickles me the most. I guess in one way it could be seen as “gossip,” but it was really more than that. It was the center at its best in supporting each other. People needed help in calming down. Didn’t hurt also that it was at the opposite side of the building from where the official state people had been staying in Sr.’s office. I did give up my office to them for a couple of interviews, but as always, I’m proud to have people back there, because if nothing else Sr. has given me a wonderful, wonderful office. YAYYYYYY
At one point another state contraction inspector had called while I had both Sr. and our friend in the office. She wanted to set up dates for a Tuesday visit to see our joint clients. She only has three of mine, and I felt wow! Simple, no problem, because in actuality, there will never in this entire year be a day that was as much pressure as the day was. PSHWOOO!!
After things are wrapping up, the state has an exit interview. We will find out more about that today. Normally, we’re included in that, but there was the matter of radiology and lab appointments. Although, I’d volunteered to reschedule, about 2 pm, Sr. realized that it was more important to take care of the medical stuff then to have me stay for the exit interview. I’m not sure if the other Q. was involved, but I know Sr. stayed for the State meeting and our friend went to the other 3 pm meeting for the Advisory Board. Wow! What a day. I’m reminded now that this morning there is going to be a behavior/human rights meeting that I have to attend and take notes for, and in all my terrible means of doing things, it means I have to type the notes this morning of the last meeting. AGAIN, nothing is as bad as a surprise state inspection!
Hmm, somehow without my knowledge a kitty snuck into my arms. Oh man … what a day … good kitty! I guess we’re just a babbling now. But, there is a little more.
I think in general the trip back to the University for medical stuff went pretty good. I had a little problem with the blood work, because after a half a dozen vials were drawn, she handed me that d*** urine cup and said that I was supposed to go down the hall to the bathroom. That pretty much stunned me. I said, “WHAT!?? You are going to make me go through that packed waiting room with a cup of urine!??” From that point on the lab person stopped being nice. She said in a bad attitude, well our bathroom is broken and that’s the best we can do. I thought certainly this was not satisfactory. So, complained for a few minutes about it before jamming the **** cup in my coat pocket. The bathroom down the hall I knew was going to be a problem, because they are the central bathrooms right off the elevators and everyone and their cousin use them, so they are the least sanitary in the medical center. Of course, when we got there they were being used, and one of them had a housekeeper darting in and out trying to spray down the place, because somebody very messy or smelly had been through there first. Then I was soon joined by another gentleman who said he’d been looking for an empty bathroom for the last half hour. I thought ohhhhhhhhh Lordy!
The second shock was after getting back to the lab. The tech had given me instructions to go through a door and leave it on some counter. I had of course in the nature of all wise people, cleaned off the little cup, buried it in paper towel, and pushed it into my already complaining pocket. I could here an infant crying behind the door and I knew the set-up enough to know that I would be walking in on someone else’s lab work. I stopped a passing tech to confirm this is what I had to do. The tech must have talked to the first one, because she loudly shouted for all to hear, “What, you have a URINE SPECIMEN!??? Where is it? You PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET! By then there is nothing to do but say, “Oh fu**, fu**, fu**,” and beat it the he** out of there. It’s like 20 people crowded into a 20 x 30 room. Think there is a chance nobody heard??? I may go back there today to write out a formal complaint. I’m almost past that shock, but not looking forward to a bad reputation since I’ll have to go back. Actually, I think it was panic from the day gone a muck. We are very aware of multi-cultural issues due to the course work and between techs, check-in staff, and clients, I was the only white person. BUT, this might be more do to the functioning part of my brain that says there is a conspiracy to take over my brain by anyone who wasn't me.
The experience in radiology was much better. It was a smaller portion of the hospital/medical center. There was only one quiet receptionist, a waiting room for 10 people, and just an elderly couple of women waiting. That kinda puts you on a little guard thinking hmm, not many people have to do this test?? I should have known better going into it when they were asking me if I was claustrophobic. Yeesh. But, at this point, I still did not know. I was happy when someone came out within only 7-8 minutes of me sitting down. A nurse who was about the most passive, relaxed person I ever met escorted me to a dressing room, where she apologized for the fact she was going to ask me to completely undress and don gown. I was pretty ok, until I realized she’d given me only one gown, and we all know by now … that doesn’t quite cover the ummm whole of things. I sat there waiting for a while hoping she would come back, but eventually I crept out of the room back facing the walls and had to use my loud voice because she was “chatting” with someone else. BUT, she was a very nice mellow woman and said, “oh sure, let me help you with that!” Afterward, when I was handed a satisfaction survey, this woman received high marks.
I had to wait in another waiting room for not so long. The nurse had already relaxed me by informing me this time, I would not have to drink any dye or get an intravenous. I thought Man …. No matter what God takes care! After the tech came out to greet me I was happy to find that she was one of those cheerful women who seem to know their job is going to be a lot easier if they are nice to the patient! It took a bit to get settled in. She was talking and talking and arranging me on this thin metal tray, repeating the question, you are going to be ok, right? You are not going to give me any trouble? Let me tell you, these words are a clue, that you are supposed to not upset the tech who has obvious experience dealing with trouble makers!
The position she put me in was not comfortable. Couldn’t be. And, as a first attempt failed at putting me head first into this machine, God smiled down upon me and allowed us to be turned around feet first. PSHWOO!! That was only the first obstacle. What I had realized in the first attempt was the claustrophobic question was with purpose! I asked, since this was only going to be a test for hips and leg, would I have to go all the way in. Because by this time the reality was zonking me to pieces. I thought, don’t give her trouble, don’t give her trouble! What I had realized was that there was not going to be room for an inch of movement. As she reinserted me my body was scraping the sides of the tube and my thighs and knees were pressed with pressure. Although the nice tech had said ONLY 20 minutes, I believed more the nurse outside who state it would be 45. And, of course they had pinned my arms and head directly over me, as if it were a stick-up. This was such an uncool thing to be going through for 45 minutes. I can’t explain more clearly what TIGHT means!
Through the ordeal though, I went through calming exercises. I thought of everyone I had ever known that might give me mental support. I imagined people caressing my head saying, “It’s ok, your doing well, it’s going to be ok.” I went back and forth between eyes closed or open not knowing which seemed more problematic. During 1 minute intervals, I remembered to wet my lips and swallow. I imagined that I was having sex, I imagined that I was floating on an intertube, I imagined I was floating on an intertube having sex, and when all else failed I begged for my Dr. M. presence of mind. The tech said something to me over the intercom as far as how are you doing. I said, “fine, fine.” Then added a little more panicked how much longer?? She said only another 20 minutes. I thought DAMN the woman lied to me. It was a trick to say 20 minutes when she should have said 45!
“ok, ok we’re not going to panic.” She must have certainly gone through this before, because she started breaking the time up for me. She would say, “Only 4 more minutes of THIS one.” Which of course leads one to be thinking there are others parts to follow. What she was talking to was in reference to the sounds. I should have expected something, because right before slipping me into the catacomb, she inserted ear plugs. Wow! What an understatement the machine was terrifically loud! The thing I had realized helping me get through the series of sounds the cameras were making, was that if I paid attention the sounds although somewhat disturbingly loud could also be construed as a musical concerto! Hehehe I told this to the tech afterward, and her response was really? We laughed as she was trying to unglue our arms from their raised position. Really, truly I thought the sounds had become quite wonderful. Almost as if in a National Geographic movie where you are hearing natives for the first time drumming a celebration.
Afterward, the first one out was Casey. She said, excitedly, we did good, right? The tech was appreciative I’m sure that it was over and we didn’t bail on her, but she confirmed we had done VERY good. Then Casey thought to exclaim, “And, we didn’t even cry!” But, then the tech said, “Well actually you cried a little.” This dismayed Casey very much. She said, but not REAL crying?? She said, “well no not real tears, but you were whimpering!” Casey looked down sadly. But, because she was a nice tech person, she said with hand patting our back, “But you did VERY good!” So, we smiled.
So that almost wraps it up. The very final thing was that our friend did the nicest thing as far as meeting us back at our home, to which we received very, very good hugs and nuzzles. We kept repeating, “We did it, we did it, it’s all over now, isn’t it?!!” We were soothed to bed by his soft caresses and the knowledge that we had indeed surpassed the day. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Doctor's visit - yuchy stuff (you can skip this one)
Dear Dr. M.,
Is it ok if I tell you about the doctor visit. I know, I know not fair, because you can't walk out. You can skip this email if you want though, because this stuff probably isn't important to anyone but me. Shoot, nother bad mood. I'm sorry ... I'll try to be more practical.
The Dr. read the whole list of problems and complimented our efficiency :) She was real happy about losing 35 pounds. She said, I know this was hard for you. And we said, "uh huh, but we got a diet buddy" so it wasn't way hard. Just regular hard. She didn't say too much about the school, except that she had seen that. And, it was great. I still think she worries about our mind, because its hard to stay adult when she starts asking about what hurts.
Umm, she may be a little mad with you. Was talking to herself when noting you had ordered my diabetes pills without tests. We just be quiet because we didn't want you to stop helping us.
She was glad to hear that we'd gotten our eyes checked and had received the new tri-focals, but not as excited as I thought she would be. I think she was worried that our eyes had been deteriorating cuz of the diabetes. We told her that we now have 20/20 vision, but we started 3 lines higher. The hearing was a real positive thing. Because they could see the problem with their ear checker outer thingy, and the Dr. had the nurse take care of it and now she says my ears as clean as a whistle! I CAN HEAR!!! She also took precautions with the dizziness stuff, which made me wonder if it wasn't a part of the not hearing. The multiplicity per se did not come up although there was quite a bit of switching to get through the visit. The ear wouldn't have been a problem, but I'm always worried about missing out on sweet nothings in my ear by a certain somebody!
We talked about the depression for a while, but not too much on memory, OCD or anxiety. She said, you really like Dr. M, don't you? And, we said. YUP! And, she said that she was glad you can help us with all this because it was a lot.
With the diabetes, we talked about the diet, which she thought was ok and I think something was said about the dry mouth too, but I know somewhere in here she said that some of this would have to be handled better in another appointment. We scheduled another one in 2-3 weeks, don't remember the date, but it is like maybe first week of February and I think it 4:15. She did ask about the Flonaise and she said she wanted me to start using that again to help with the breathing. I thought she said I have an allergy, but that point will have to be gone over, because I don't want one.
She gave me more trouble with the not being able to sleep laying down in my bed. She wasn't so much for the idea of sleeping in the recliner. I told her it had started about the time of the surgery and I never went back to the bed. *Sigh* she won out ... she asked about the sleep apnea test she'd ordered before, but I told her we didn't go, so she said this time we have to go. We said, yes maam.
She just kind of checked in the arthritis stuff, we kinda got a lecture for not walking more. We had to tell her we switched the physical therapy for the school. She wasn't so happy about the smoking either, but she didn't come down on me real hard. I think she is going to wait until there is a case built up. I think we're going to get hit with it next time, because of the amount of coughing and stuff that comes with it. :(
She ordered tons of lab tests and is threatening that test again where I can't eat first. We're not going for that one yet! I know that my cholesterol and hyperthyroid, and diabetes, etc. need to be tested. She also gave me a flu shot and another lecture about not having my .... well, she peeked and that's about as far as we'd go.
It seems like the other problem may be a bigger deal than we had thought. We talked about it quite a bit and some other yucky stuff. We're not going into details. You'll have to read the report with your eyes closed! Thing is she is thinking between that something, something, stomach and back pains, sciatica whatever.......................... Well, I'm not really sure what all she was talking about ... She pushed and pulled some limbs and stuff, then she said she wanted me to take an MRI very soon, so she scheduled for tomorrow at 4:30 pm. A couple of things I didn't like, but I was cutting the sound of them off in my ear as soon as she said them. She mentioned both herniated disk and colon cancer a couple of times, but maybe she was doing the test just to rule them out??
I don't know ... that part gives me a headache
She also wanted a specialist to check my left hand for the numbness and tingling. That's been going on for a year now and she said something about some kind of nerve problems maybe with the diabetes.
We did talk a little bit about being afraid to leave the computer, even after we wake up at night, except for if the door is open and we are cold THEN we want to go back to bed. She also asked about the problems with the boss. We got too grouchy and just said she's a cranky 80 year old nun. Oh, and she confirmed our sore feet and face and asked about our sex life. We just said yes we have one and it is good. :) She didn't like the reflexes of one of my feet though. But, I never knew what those tests were all about.
Think that's about it. She was pretty business like, but by the end she'd relaxed a little because she looked so tired. I think we gave her too much. She was typing as she was going so maybe the report will be in for Thursday night. It's 6:30 pm here now and we're feeling pretty tired. I think I have to take the medicine pretty soon. And, the achyness is taking over again.
Ahh ... took the medicine. I think we're going to let this stuff go for now. Way into some heavy duty yawning. :)
Nighty Nite,
Us
Bill's Meaning to Life
Good morning … late morning,
We found ourselves back in bed for a late nap. Sweetie came over little longer than expected J He wasn’t much into talking though. I think he had to let things settle down in his mind some more. He might stop back today … we’ll have to see. Know he’s got a whole lot built up in there. L Let it go, let it go, let it go… Hmm, seems that was an old girl scout song. Anyone know it? Chairs in too, but we’re having adjustment troubles … hard to get comfortable anywhere with the aches and pains. Seems to be working with an added pillow.
Hmm, one more catch-up … we have to let go of the Bears for another season. I hadn’t realized Rex Grossman was such a new QB. Whoo … only six previous quarters played in professional football?? Just know that wasn’t going to happen! Think he only had 6 completed passes (and he was doing a lot of passing) in the first half. Then there was that other guy who kept running in the TD’s we weren’t watching too good. Sure, there was a lot more, but umm you know rubbing backs higher priority than even … da bears ;)
Ehh enough said there … We’re hoping for Seattle and Pittsburgh now for the big game. We’ll see … not so good at picking these kind of stuff. I suppose this disproves the theory that the nicest uniforms wins … Really not sold on the Steelers helmet L I suppose that is why they earn the big bucks!
Not much else going on here. I should be getting back to school. But, not quite yet. Hmm, does anyone remember if I took my medicine? Shoot. We’re thinking not. Kinda scared about putting it in our tummy again. Ok, I know … going … mark time at 10:45 am. L
Mmm, having some hot chocolate now and listening to Celine Dion. Life’s not so bad. Yesterday I tried looking for questions on the meaning of life.
I found this site written by Bill, this middle-aged guy who used to be a Rabbi but is now into writing software. He says to go ahead and swipe whatever as long as we give him credit. So, we figured we would entertain
Bill’s thoughts over the course of the year and figure it out for ourselves.
This is Bill’s introduction …INTRODUCTION
The Talmud teaches: Just before a baby is born, an angel shows it everything there is to know and learn on Earth. Then at the moment of birth, the angel touches the infant’s upper lip, and the child forgets everything. We spend the rest of our lives remembering what the angel showed us.This is a generic guide to the meaning of life.It does not describe one view of the meaning of life and recommend you adopt it. It helps you remember what the angel showed you.The angel showed you the meaning of life.In case you have not remembered yet, here is what the angel showed you.
1. You Will...
LAND HERE
Just exactly as if you are landing a spaceship from another galaxy, your soul enters your body and lands here on Earth. Perhaps you come from out of nowhere, out of nothingness. Or else you had a previous existence somewhere, in another realm or in this realm, and you have forgotten it. Perhaps you land here of your own free choice.Or some cosmic force some karma beyond you causes you to land on this planet; and you have no choice. No matter. This is Earth. You land and stay for a while.
Will take us a few moments to respond. Go ahead ... you try too. What is your response to the intro or #1?
Ok, and then let it be so. This is Earth, this is me, and here we go. ‘Cept, we been going for 46 some years now. Thing is … I don’t have such a good memory for it all. Like I know there were years that I was married, but now that they are well over, I don’t really remember what it was really like. What comes to mind first is I had to pick up a lotta dirty socks. We’re against that idea now days. I think when that Angel touched my upper lip; she slipped and dragged her finger against my lower lip too. Maybe that is why we whimper so often about forgetting.
We were just thinking that maybe God has a white feathery robe and souls are like the feathers that fall out when he dances and then the Angels collect them and put them in babies. Just at the tiniest level of cell creation. So, it is not that we become out of nothing. We are tiny specks of God’s wherewithal.
Well it’s a theory at least. J Between the point of the last paragraph and this one, I fell asleep for a while. I had a dream. We were back at Minnesota and living with the family I had growing up. We were angry. I was back there as a guest. The dream started out with me being down in the basement, but my brother had been there for a long extension of time and had remodeled the basement. There was very little furniture. When I woke up down there I was sleeping on the cement floor; a part of the unfinished walking space of the floor. I thought I would do something good and tidy things up. There had been a dresser and another empty sleeping bag. I think I lost it though when a mouse ran across my path where I had been sleeping. I made a half-hearted attempt to end its life with a broom, but I was too scared of it to stand close enough for a real swat and it scurried away.
I remember there being people upstairs when I went up … the arrangements of furniture were odd. I know I needed a smoke. Somehow, I ended up in a car with my mother. She was driving. I started to explain the conditions in which I would stay. I wanted the desk I’d seen in the basement to go up to my room so I could do homework. She said or did something though to make me realize that she was planning that I leave and was not welcome to stay. When I asked her what time frame she had in mind, she indicated it couldn’t be too soon, though she’d wait the day if she had to. I remember the thought I would need to figure out where I would get a job and live and that I was freed, but unprepared.
Then I wondered if I should be looking north of Minneapolis where she was, or Winona, where I’d gone to school, then I remembered I had kids back in Chicago, but I didn’t know how to get all the way back. I ended up with a Sunday newspaper and started to look wondering what I was qualified for, but then the dream ended.
Now when I think of my soul landing on Earth, I feel a little bad it had landed with this woman. Mostly because she didn’t want it. So, I guess it found a way to get to Chicago, because here I am in my own home with kitties and computer and things about me. Maybe that point is important … A soul will keep searching until it finds its place. All the other places it has been are irrelevant, unless one wants to appreciate the distance it has traveled to get us to the right spot.
Now, I look around at my desk and I see things that remind me, I’ve been here for some time. I see the empty plate from lunch and think tomatoes have found their way to my fridgerater and those beautiful color pencils swirl in their cup teasing me to spend some time coloring. We’ve thought before being a multiple if we had more than one soul. I think you only get one soul per body. So, we must be sharing ours. If we had a choice in which body we could have taken, it must have meant that we had the most empathy for the baby that my mother would give birth too. We must have thought this poor thing needed us more than all the other babies. I could believe in this. It then became our destiny to do the best we could with it.
It has been a longer stay on Earth than we had expected though. Now we’re kind of glad we’ve had the opportunity to look around. It should only seem fit that I am here. Sometimes it is still a struggle to figure out how to get those kitties fed, but I’m glad they seem to like us. I am glad they have the souls they do and they chose us. I’m also glad that you all are here. Sometimes you write back to let me know you’re here, and I think how nice these people are. I don’t think there was anything my young soul wanted more than to be surrounded by nice people. We’re still unsure where we’ll end up, but for this nice space we landed; we are appreciative. We like us. We like you.
