A very LONG Wednesday
Good morning. This is me. We’ve been away for a while now, but mostly because we’ve been working on the other blog. If you are interested the Quilted Moose – Sisters Sewing on Spruce is right over here …http://quiltedmoose--sisterssewingonspruce.blogspot.com/
We increased the number of posts by about 90%. There are about 60 posts over the last week. Most of them are picture combinations like this one.
I went back to the start of this sewing thing with CS when we first met up again Easter Weekend last year. We tried to capture each new experience as a “Quilt Poster.” I’m real happy with how it turned out. I would like to post the pictures here, but there are so many that the best thing to do is direct you to the other blog. Vince – this means you too! Please stop by and visit the other. I think you will enjoy all the pictures and certainly that CS and us are getting along as well as we are.
Hmm, we seem to keep falling asleep as we sit here … it happened to us this morning and in general just lately. We’re thinking or writing and then we realize that our eyes have closed and we were out of things again. I’m worrying a little about the sleep apnea. I’d like to avoid all that though. This morning we got up around the regular time of 4:30 am and then we ended getting drowsy so we curled back in bed with Rich and slept until 6:30. I think the real worrisome part would be if it affected my driving. I might bring it up to Dr. Marvin, but then I don’t really want to make a big issue out of it. It’s been a while since we went to see Dr. Albright. That’s not real high on our priority list. I don’t think anything is really going on new with us medically, except we’re having trouble being so overweight its getting hard to get up and around. Hard to think of going to the gym if you don’t think you are going to make 15 minutes.
Yesterday we were better working on our quilt materials, but today we’re not having a very good day with it. Yesterday we started I think around the time that Rich got in. We worked a little longer after he left, but he was going fishing with Bob so there wasn’t any real motivation there. The last two hours were playing/napping.
It’s already 10:30 am. And we don’t have the ambition again. Best that at this point we just be keeping ourselves up. It’s a Wednesday. Last week was a buzz. We had taken off Tuesday and ended up working on the sewing blog. And, then we went fishing with Rich Wednesday and Thursday, and then we went up to CS & Mark’s Friday and Saturday and met up with Emily too. Then we made it back in time for dinner at Joe’s and then we went to Rich’s Mom and Bud’s and had Easter dinner with Marcia and Bob too. After that we weren’t in any emotional position to go to work on Monday.
So we stayed home and finished the blog. We wanted to catch it up to a year with the sewing and CS. It was like our anniversary gift.
You’ve already heard about yesterday and we’re caught up to today. I should say a few things about the time being spent last week. Maybe we’ll stop in the washroom first and then we’ll be back and try to trace back a few of those steps. BRB.
Ok back. Let’s see let’s start on Tuesday. I think I was doing regular things like Facebook, emails and maybe even working on the blog. I’m not sure if I got up to that part. I do remember something about CS leaving a note saying she’d tried to write something in the blog and she’d lost about an hour of writing. I reminded her about using Word to write and then copy/paste it over. You never know when the Internet is going down so you want to make that precaution. With Word if the power were to cut off it would have saved a copy for you so that is always worth the while.
I think it was pretty soon we’d figured that we were going to stretch together the pictures and some story of where we’d been. We knew we had a lot of material to go through from both CS and our Facebook photos. Almost all the time pictures were being taken. There was a long sting through December to March though when nothing was happening. CS was busy being sick and we had lost contact with our battery power cord so even though we were working on some things – mostly cutting scraps, there wasn’t a lot of picture taking or much going on with sewing. I knew about then I’d gotten tired of the fishes and had stopped so we had Bob and sometimes Rich complaining about where their gift was. We’re still backed up on that project. I don’t know what it is about quilters, but we’ve been reading for a while now other Quilting Blogs and starting projects without finishing them is something that appears quite regular.
I don’t know exactly how we found it, but it was back I believe on Tuesday that we found a new spot – maybe through Yahoo or Google, but it’s called Quilting Blogs. I think the owners name is Sharon Zurbrigg. Her site has an International quilter’s directory of like 4016 quilters who also blog. You have to go through their approval process to be included. We submitted our name and I think we were accepted on the 30th. I didn’t realize it right away, but then going through some recent entries I’d discovered our blog. That made me real excited, because in general the quality of the blogs is very good. I’ve gone through them some now over the last three days. We started the blogs under Wisconsin because that’s where the Quilted Moose is located. I went through all 69 of them and then I went back and collected four of them I really enjoyed or would like to look at again. I’m not sure if CS if familiar enough with blogging to understand that it’s good to have a blog list of people you would like to know, but I think it’s pretty cool. I’ve got it functioning so that you get the name of the quilter’s blog, and then a picture if there was one shot on their last entry, and then there is a couple of sentences from their last entry and it records how long ago the blogger had last entered a post.
The other thing is that I’ve got it set to alphabetical so the entries are lining up like that. Naturally too there is a hot link back to the blog. It should be pretty cool
I’m thinking that CS might want to look at her own Blog list. She can either share ours, or she might be able to collect her own Blog list. That might be a better idea and much more like FB where we can share links, but have our own favorites.
Hmm, thought of that too. CS put a link to her FB, so we also put a link to our FB under hers. She did put one entry in since we started up again, but I wished she would have talked more of herself. To be fair it was kind of a declarative statement on the meaning of our anniversary and being together again. Sometimes things get a bit mushy to the point of me being uncomfortable, but I know there are other parts taking it to heart. CS said that this has been her best year ever and … well, I shudder a little because there have been years with her Dad, son or husband that should have also been good, plus there were the Carol years – her friend who used to live in West Bend.
To our credit we should think it’s ok though if we are at least ONE of the good things. I’m glad she had a better year than in the past, I’m also thinking that her reduction of weight has a lot to do with it. It sounds like she spent years being bedbound because of her weight and other conditions. I had a hard time over the winter with her staying in “illness” mode for so long, but I think getting out to finish the Spring Fling quilt seemed to progress that situation.
For the record, I don’t like it that sometimes we’re ignored as to being a presence with her on FB, through Email, and now through the blog. I don’t know if she relapsed, or is playing some kind of game. She could just be busy, but it has been established that we have fairly good communications so there’s really no excuse for her not to pick up her phone and post a quick note on a daily basis. I don’t want to feed into the bad psychology part there. There are some feelings of abandonment. We don’t’ like not knowing in general how she’s doing. Maybe it’s kind of selfish … we don’t want to go through all the relapses.
I think she’s worrying over taxes too so there is that also, but again there’s no reason for not having a quick update. Maybe she is used to being invisible? I don’t know each of us have so much unreality in our lives that it’s just not healthy. I don’t like hearing whatever excuse either. This kind of stuff makes me grumbly. I won’t go chasing her or anyone though for that matter.
I don’t know how much I’m being affected too in having put so much of myself out there with the approximate 50 sets of collated pictures, that I’m feeling a little rebuffed in so much a lack of enthusiasm. HMPF!
Ok, moving on. As we noted, that took up most of the Tuesday before yesterday and the Monday this week when we stayed home. We’ve been in and out of the blogs … I think we explained already over the last 2 days. I’ve gotten through Wisconsin, and then we started from the beginning and are toggling through the states and other countries. They are represented by 69 countries in total. We’ve done Alabama, American Samoa and Argentina. Alaska is next. Maybe we better fold in Canada too though Alaska comes before Alberta. It looks then like we’ve looked at 80 blogs and have accepted 5%. Yeeks at that rate we’re going to have a list of 200 blogs. We might have to rethink that, but … It would be a very comprehensive list of friends ;)
There … we just had lunch and finally heard from CS. It sounds like she had tax work on Monday and had to return today. She didn’t say how that was going. She didn’t say much about yesterday or today otherwise. She said something about Mark being home and interrupting her schedule, but I don’t know how much of a schedule she’s keeping. We gave her an assignment to either add blogs or post and entry to our blog. Things like this have to be taken seriously! I gave her an arbitrary deadline of 6:30 pm tonight. I figured that give her over 6 hours to finish taxes and do something productive. HMPF! It’s hard to be an older sister. But, if we are going to be an entity it can’t be just me. She had one entry last year and one entry this week, but then I added about 60 entries in addition to that. She has to give a little more if it’s going to be “our” blog. I think I have to teach her about blogging. Like with this one … you want to keep it up. I know that I go through some times when I haven’t posted, but there’s a sense of obligation that things aren’t right until you go back and catch up.
So with that said … I think it pretty much gets us up to Wednesday and Thursday. We got off a little late on Wednesday morning. I had a hard time going to sleep the night before. I found that we had a hard time sleeping. Once we got started – between us everything seemed fine. There weren’t any lectures or arguments during the entire trip, though there was some friction when he attempted to put sun block on - even though we were burnt from the day before someone in particular was not about to go down without kicking and screaming. *sigh* I suppose if I put together a little collage it would look something like this.
Pretty cool, hmm? I’ve been liking these collage styled pictures … it seems a little work, but the result is nice … you get everything most important all up front.
Hmm, back to the real world here … It’s about 12:45 pm and now Rich is here and it is raining hard. Rich says it’s going to snow tonight. Man that just seems criminal. Ok, let’s not get into too much reality.
Both fishing days were pretty long, but neither were full 8 hour days. Seems that we had to orientate ourselves around the need for having a bathroom – someone like me found a nice tree *sigh* Well, to be perfectly frank … there is something very liberating about that … so it’s not too much a REAL heavy sigh.
We had sandwiches, cheese and peanuts in the boat with some water and pop. No, I didn’t want to drink too much. As to the actual part of fishing – it was pretty good all considered. I got pretty tired by the end and we were sun burned. We did a lot of casting … almost the entire time out there. It was discouraging not to get a fish. I think this was twice out without a fish. Rich got two, but there was only one bass, so he is saying he got only one fish. I figure if it’s on your line and in the boat … it gets counted!
On the first day after we came in we ran into a fishing buddy of his. He was a younger guy by himself. Apparently, he’s the only one of Rich’s fishing friends that live so far up north. He gave us a couple fishing hints and told us where the best place to eat was. So we packed up and he unpacked. He was going fishing as we were finishing. Rich and us went back to the motel and he took a shower, and then we went the mile down the road to get dinner. AND, the guy we’d just talked to said he was already done fishing. He was at the bar having a beer. He said he caught his two fish. Hmm, Rich is only partly thinking he caught something. I think he just wanted to hang with us ;)
He seemed a nice enough guy … a little shy. He turned mostly to Rich though would explain things to us if we asked. It was one of those times you hang back in a conversation, because you are really not a part of it. Men get together and I think they just want to amaze the women, so we were amazed and paid attention. It seemed friendly. I was steered toward the fried green beans. Wow that was something.
They tasted like green bean casserole with plenty of the fried part.
After that we went back to our room, but Rich said I was very close to him taking us to the hospital with heat stroke. We just laid down on the bed and didn’t really get up again for the rest of the night. Rich watched a show and fell asleep at 10 pm a couple hours after I’d gone down. The fishing was nice in that it was very nice on the lake – weather was good and everything felt comfortable. Rich let me experiment with lures and he gave me a spincast rod. Sooner or later I’d have to learn from it. I spent a lot of my fishing time figuring out how to present my bait on either rod. It was a study.
At about 3-3:30 pm we left for the trip home. Well, at least to Rich’s mother’s house and Bud’s. When we got in we showed Bud the pictures right away. I think the only thing that really concerned him was that Rich’s fish seemed too small. *sigh*
There was some more arguing between Bud and mom, but I think things were pretty calm. I just remembered being tired. Early to bed again.
The next day we woke up late. There were only a few things we needed to bring to CS. We got ready and left out. I think the trip was uneventful. No tickets! We kept on speed control. We got there I think about 11 or 12. I don’t really recall that part too well. I think we put our feet up had some Mountain Dew and some ice cream and then maybe started looking into projects. Matter of fact, I remember now that CS and us ended up in her sewing room me at her desk and her at the sewing machine. She gave me a couple of cords to help with getting the EQ6 over to the laptop, but that didn’t really work. It did work that I had my flash drive and I was able to retrieve the directions for the Dancers in Park project from the big old computer. There were a lot of sheets to be pulled out and coordinated. After everything was out, we went to work on tracing and cutting out thingies for the pieces.
I think by the end we had 2 of the three done as to cutting out the tracing plastic and cutting out the material. I know that CS finished her piece Friday night for class. She left early with Emily on Saturday and I stayed home to work. I did get a shower before they got back around 10 am. It took a while to get set-up. I had done what I could to conserve space on the table so that Emily could sit across from me. CS and Emily brought in her table, although CS says she hurt her back. We should have waited for Mark to move it.
CS started working on the Dancers, Emily finished a project with her memory quilt and then cut-out and sewed the pieces for next month’s class. After I finished cutting out the fabric for the second part of our thing with CS then I cut out CS pattern for her class work. That seemed to work out, but we were rushing the time.
We were going to leave at 4 pm, but we left at 4:30 pm. In between there – maybe about 12:30 – 1 pm, we went out for lunch.
There was a fair amount of talking and goofing around while we were working, but actual work was getting done too. When we went out to eat though the conversation got a little more somber. Emily had showed us a picture of her two sons. One had been still born and the other died within hours of that time. It was a very sad situation and it’s only been 6-7 months. Emily is obviously still grieving the loss pretty hard. We stayed there most of the meal. It was a good time to be there. I was glad to hear that Emily also is seeing a counselor and a support group. I think both CS and I feel grateful to be her friend. We made her an honorary sister
The trip home went pretty good and we coordinated the time with Rich so that we were both pulling into Villa Park about 20 minutes early to be meeting Joe and Cari.
Minutes after we got there then Joe got there and before we got through the door then Cari was pulling up. It’s pretty funny actually that we all arrive at the same destination by separate vehicles at the same time. It’s like the beginning shot of Father knows best, or the Simpsons. We were all 10 minutes fashionably early.
We were given a tour of their place. It was pretty small, but Joe pointed out that it was bigger than their last place. It seemed that the two were doing well in the space. It had a living room, bedroom and kitchen, plus bathroom and a nice balcony. Cari made a good pulled beef dinner and while she was fixing things and then after when she was washing dishes, Rich and I listened and talked to Joe.
There was more open conversation the second part and the first part was primarily me asking questions or listening for Joe to talk about his Nero game. It was an enjoyable time. I don’t feel they don’t necessarily dislike me, but I don’t feel they necessarily feel close to us either. We’re just visitors. I don’t really want to talk about those feelings right now too much.
It was similar as to being with Maury on the phone on Easter. We had played phone tag with him, and then it was like he started talking about how much he enjoyed being with his girl and how much the girls loved her and then he talked about her being more of a disciplinarian and how that was actually good for the girls. He talked about not having time or inclination to have us meet, but that he might be married to her within a year. He also went into talking about how much better off he and his brothers were to find Jackie as a Mom because she was more of a disciplinarian and apparently Maury turned out pretty good. It was all highly insensitive and rude. I don’t know if he understood what he was doing though it seemed he’d gained a fair amount of steam. We were like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Then we boiled over in the car afterward. We were still driving.
I think by the time we got home about 15-20 minutes later, I was ready to let go of the situation and focus on Rich being there. I’ve in the last week or so altered my FB so that Maury and Joe aren’t reading my personal information … that is if I did it correctly. I’m tired of them pretending to think the life they are sharing with me is good enough. Rich said something about Joe inviting us to dinner. Then we got negative and pointed out that he’d lived in his new place 8 months before he invited us over. Maury didn’t even think of doing anything with us for Easter.
It’s been 3 months since he was over with his girls. I just get so angry. I don’t think I’m a terrible person, but I feel like that what my boys think.
I can see this whole thing with Maury’s girl going very badly in that she is already demanding that the girls be more orderly and regimented. I also heard from Rich who heard from Bob who heard from Maury that Maury is not playing poker, because of the new girl. I don’t even know her name. As far as I’m concerned fuck that shit, fuck that DUMB shit, fuck them.
Ok, maybe we’re still angry. This was the same way it was with Lauren … while she was around, Maury tore into me and made me an unsafe person. Three years before I was asked to babysit. When that fell through Maury came over for support and a place to be … we gave that to him. But, now there is another girl and its like I’m being separated from my son again. And, like the first time I’m being separated from the girls. It just gets me so angry. I don’t know what to do with those feelings. I need some distance from the hurt I am feeling. I don’t know what to do with the anger. And, because now I’m angry … that just proves to Maury that I’m a bad person. I checked out his facebook and he’s talking about playing volleyball with his dad. Well, FUCK THEM ALL!
Ok, just the mad talking … I don’t want my kids screwed up. Just rather be by myself rather than have them push how bad a person I must be in their absence from my life. While we were over at Joe’s one of them said something about if we were coming to the bridal shower. It was like huh? Maury said something later to the effect of Joe not sending an invitation. I don’t know if he was repeating something he heard from Joe and was knowledgeable about or if he was assuming because we’d said we didn’t get an invitation that we wouldn’t be.
Joe said something too about being Cari’s birthday soon. I didn’t pick it up, but Rich did. Rich asked me if I would go to the wedding party or at least send something. My feeling was at least expressed to him at the time was that if I received an invitation I might consider sending something, but right now I’m not too happy about sending anything. They didn’t talk about their wedding, but that Joe had been ordering the guys clothing. I saw today something that Cari said to Maury about getting the girls something. I wasn’t even aware they were in the wedding.
Maury says that it was messed up in that there were 6 girls and only 3 men. He was going to be there, Sensei Steve and Alex. Maury pointed out that Bob, Anthony Hanson or his two cousins should be in the wedding instead of the guys each having two girls. I got the feeling there is friction there yet. Maury is still spending freely, Joe is still being conservative.
I’m guessing that Jackie has stepped into the position of the Groom’s mother and that it is like the last wedding with Maury where I’m just not a part of anything or included in the plans. I just feel so angry. At this point - I’m not sure if I will be at the wedding. I can pretty much bet that I won’t be at the wedding shower. I will still make the quilt … seems were a little confused with that because we were doing better, but then we’ve been now taken over by angry parts.
Shoot … shoot this isn’t going well. We’re starting to think of Dr. Marvin and our safety net. Thoughts of feeling so low as to being suicidal are flashing at me – made more complicated because Rich was in here and secondarily reminding me of the CARF. Apparently, he asked something from Sister and she got down on him because of things being done last moment and that it should be over now. There’s so much unreality it’s going to be hard to put together. Thinking we need to back up into something safer. I feel desperate to be doing something with the anger.
I’m so not dealing … just not dealing. Maybe if I pushed us a little further – though away from family … that sounds like something that is going to have to come up with Dr. Marvin. I think beside all this there was Sunday … that was spent in the morning going over some blog work, and then the afternoon into the evening being at Rich’s folks place. Bud got angry at Mom again where he was going off on her and then she yelled back. I don’t know why that happens, but it does at least once each time we are there. After that it somewhat settles down, but she’s really not talking to him directly, because he jumps on her for so many little things … as if she disgusts him and is needed to be put down. I just don’t see it.
This time it happened in front of Bob and Marcia. I felt embarrassed of the situation. I had been talking to Mom on my own all the time that Bud and Rich were out working on the boat. And, then at 10 to Bob and Marcia came in. Rich’s mother needed help in the kitchen and she needed to back out. So first Bud came in, but he couldn’t handle her directions and had started berating her. I called for Rich to come in and help. He was able to do things without anger. Bud was allowed to back out and Rich’s mother was listened to appropriately. Things went smoother.
I was in and out of teasing on a lighter note with Bud. I wanted him to direct himself at me rather than Mom. And, I was just nervous. I don’t do well with anger. You could probably see that from above. The actual dinner went pretty good after Rich went to the kitchen and then included with that a carving of the ham.
Rich’s mom and us had talked on and on about things in general. We never fight or argue. I hate seeing her going through what Bud dumps on her. I can’t believe his situation very easy in that Mom has her limitations, but it just isn’t fair … what he does is emotional abuse. Bud likes to say it was a pre-nuptial that he got to yell at his wife and his wife could yell back at him. I hate it.
Dinner was good and then after dinner we cleaned off the table, or actually I took care of stuff after Rich had passed it through to me. I rinsed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher and then cleared the counter. Bud indicated when it was time for desert and I got the plates. Then he hinted when it was time for me to take the plates off. Nobody is directly telling me to do the dishes, but I feel its like my duty because I didn’t pay for the meal or cook it. Least I could be helpful.
Usually, they are a little better at stopping me from overworking, but with Bob and Marcia there I think they wanted them to note how efficiently I worked for them. I don’t know maybe it’s just cuz we’re in a miserable mood right now so everything is being muted.
Rich is in and out of my office using the copy/printer machine in my office. I’m so lost to all that its just incredible. There are so many holes I couldn’t begin to count. It’s like sticking one’s finger in the dyke. Feeling pretty miserable … thoughts turn back to the being suicidal. It wouldn’t be fair to Rich though because he’s trying and he’s always done his best for me.
Yesterday he went fishing around 1:30-2:00 pm. He went with Bob and didn’t get back until about 9 pm. I’d preoccupied my time at the computer with just running the TV, but not listening to it. He came in and turned it to something he wanted and then he made his dinner and I believe dinner for me tonight. After he got done eating he must have lay down on the couch and sighed. I remember looking over to him with irritancy thinking out loud … what maybe now you want us to interrupt what we’re doing and come over and be forced to watch bad TV so you can get rubbed? Like where was the emotional bonding … was I that obviously a stupid wench?
Ok, this is just more of the bad mood talking.
That was a nice thing. Carrie just posted a note thanking us for the picture of our Grandma. I hope that she got the other part too where my Grandmother is being interviewed. But for now I’m settled that I did the best I could in sharing what we had. I don’t recall the linkage of things that got Carrie to that point. It’s too much for me now to be trying to understand. I think we left enough clues.
Poor Rich is working hard. He’s doing what we haven’t been able to do in that he’s working for CARF. I nod and agree, but he doesn’t know we’re not doing work again.
We are busy typing and the books are open. At one point, I showed him something we found. It’s pretty deceptive. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can do this kind of thing. It’s like such a void of responsibility it’s incredible. I don’t know the other feelings that go with it. I’m not sure if I think it will be ok, if it will be problematic, if I will be fired or let go, or if CARF is just going to cause me more trouble in saying they are going to come back in a year. It doesn’t seem that any of these options are holding on me enough so that we are doing anything to force a better ending. We’re just under a month now to go. It feels like I’m sabotaging the project because I just can’t make myself think of it - sort of how things happened with the school. I just stopped doing it until there weren’t any options and I was just “out.”
I don’t know what to think, but even thinking this much is a lot for me. I’ve got to look around and see what else I can be thinking because I’m not handling those thoughts. I want to dig myself under 6 feet. I don’t really want to be dead … just want to be LIKE being dead … pretty much just so I don’t have responsibilities. I don’t want to be responsible for nothing. Not being a mother a worker a nothing.
I’m having trouble also with the sister and lover roles, with the exception that those two people include more of me in their life, so they are worth hoping more for.
There we brought to Carrie’s attention that there was an auditory video too. Maybe she hadn’t seen it. If she commented on the picture surely she would have commented on that too. Her brother had been by to see it earlier when it was first posted.
We don’t have much in common, but we did share the same Grandma. I think CS is closer to Carrie and knows a little of her where I don’t know her much at all. I do know she gets pretty frustrated, but never quite says what’s on her mind through FB. I’m not close enough to her to be overly involved. We would need some real time together. Just don’t think that’s going to happen there was too much space between us and our lives.
Shoot. Gotta go through one more hour. I am going to have to be more connected tomorrow and Friday. I’m thinking though that I lost my capacity to work, though I’ve been typing pretty much straight through the day. Hmm, maybe since about 10-10:30 am. Not sure. What the hell am I sure of? I seem to be having a bad day, but it will be much better if I can just get home and not be responsible. Rich has got a card game tonight and I think he’s seeing his youngest son. I don’t know, but would hope Bob is going there too.
I didn’t ask about the conversation I heard him having with his son. By this time I couldn’t recall even a lead back into that conversation. He’s on the phone now too. Hmm, he can go tonight and Saturday. He must be talking to Bob. He said excellent so I’m thinking they are going to go play poker – though probably separately if Rich is going to be seeing his son. Rich sounds real happy … I think something had been happening to cause the situation to be more worrisome. I’m hoping that part is over now. I’ll interrupt Rich to ask after he gets off the phone. He will short hand the info over. Now though he’s asking to drive together, so maybe he’s not seeing the son. Hmm, maybe something else came up with Bob … cuz Rich said let me know. They still seem to be negotiating. I think Bob might be at the club? That wouldn’t make sense. Better I just wait and see.
It doesn’t make too much difference to me anyway, I knew I was going to be home by myself. Rich is going to tell me what happened in just a second. He’s trying to finish something before he loses his train of thought.
Ok, so now I get it … Bob wanted to go together, but he wanted to go too early … I guess Rich had committed to spending some time with me and the dinner with his son was off. Not sure what happened there. He told me he’d already talked to me about it, but we didn’t remember. So, I guess I go home in 50 minutes, Get there about 4:45 and then I get Rich for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Or something close to that.
I’m almost wishing it had gone another way. I didn’t really want to focus on anything even close to a relationship tonight. I had planned to be reading blogs and just disappear in all that. I wanted then maybe to write a little about what I was experiencing in the reading of them. I thought I should check in on CS too.
I’m not sure if she’s seeing the accountant by now. Apparently, it is someone she used to work with and trusts and who owns a couple of H&R Blocks. I hope it works out. She didn’t want to talk to Mark yet about it, but she’d feared owing about $20,000 in penalties.
Rich on the other hand seems to be doing a little better. He’s been working on taxes this year with his new accountant … one of his fishing buddies. I think he saved up like $11,000 and it might come in at half of that. It’s hard to tell until it’s a done deal. Right now we’re hoping the best for him. I think Jon asked for a couple thousand to hold him over. Rich hadn’t had that money, but now might be able to lend it to him. I think it was just a cash in hand kinda deal. John NEVER asks for money … so I could see Rich biting at the bullet to get him the money. It’s just kind of a father thing of wanting to be helpful.
We still haven’t heard much from Jillan. Hopefully he calls her soon. I think he’s only been placing messages far an few between on her answering service. She’s being kind of evasive. Maybe she is working things out with Dawna. I understand there was a couple of job offers for over the summer, so now she’s going to have to decide between that or coming back and whatever in-between. As much as I’d like to see her around more, I know there are benefits and problems anyway she moves, so she’ll really have to think what she wants. I would like to hear a little more … STILL … as to how she’s doing.
I’m not going to overdo it though … Lordy only knows how much I’ve mucked up on my own parenting skills. YIKES … still 40 more minutes. Just want to get out of here, though the part that speaks to Rich when he’s in and out of the office seems calm enough … that could be thrown into a wrecked overdrive if he only looked over to see what we were typing. Fortunately for me he’s not been invasive today. I don’t think I could have handled it.
Hmm, just took care of a little mail. That was like 10 minutes. We just stopped to ask Vickie what she’s going to have for dinner. I think she waits down this last bit of time like us. We’re like BOTH just makin it through. She’s pretty happy today – though maybe tired emotional because she was able to talk to Nick on line.
This is something because he just shipped to Afghanistan. Pretty happy Mama!
Hmm, not much from CS. I think she’s ignoring me, but today might be self-suspicious between hiding from work and being angry with the boys. I wish Rich was going with Bob to the game. I just want quiet uninterrupted me time. Time I can have the screen over to where I’m interested. I think maybe looking at 4000 blogs might be an extremist view of me dealing with life. It’s where we are though. Boy Rich should have on roller skates today. He seems to be doing good and having a productive day. Nice.
We’ve been listening to Simon and Garfunkel all day. Could I blame that for the reason I’m not doing work? I wish I could … just we’re way over our head … Don’t know how to get out. I know we have to work, but we’re not. It’s a bad cycle. I keep looking over to the email and picking up on anything they might drop on my desk over there. Ok, yes advertisements … they’ve just become exciting. ANYthing, but work … man do I hate that word. What can I think of that would help out right now.
Hmm, I canceled something that I guess I’ve been receiving for 5 years. It had little relevancy over anything, because the emails don’t say anything … just refer me to a cumbersome site. I decided to put a stop to it and now the site wants to know what they’ve done wrong. SHEESH! First machines talk to you on the phone and now though the email. Something is going wrong in our civilization.
Let’s not talk about all the reasons something is going wrong with me. That wouldn’t be a good idea. Where is Dr. Marvin when you need him. It’s raining hard out. I’m going to get wet. 20 more minutes. I can do this, right? The only thing we’re thinking of seriously is that we want to be walking out the door and going to the car and maybe never coming back. Rich is leaving me feel spooked because of the actual need to appear as if we’re working. Why do I have to work. Have we asked that lately. I’m sure there isn’t a perfectly good answer – except that I know we have to make money. This is the part we might think we should start our love life over again and this time find someone that has money so I don’t have to work. One person that we befriended on FB today had a second home in the Dominican Republic.
Why isn’t that me? No … I’m not very happy with my life.
Yesterday before we turned ourselves over to giving Rich our full attention, I was thinking dull and dreary thoughts. I don’t know how he puts up with me. Yes, eventually we did come around and be nicer. Hmm, we just saw a news flash from CNN that a country close to Afghanistan just got taken over by a former staff and that the President no longer holds that position. Wow. If there would be a bad day … I’m thinking that the old President certainly must be having one. I think those are like coups where people get killed in the street trying to rid themselves of old officials. How does that kind of thing happen. Where is the military, or should I say on which side is the military. Who do the people follow.
What would I do if I really had a hard life. Maybe we’re making it harder on ourselves than we should be. Why can’t I just do things regular? I just want to leave.
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/07/2010 03:46:00 PM
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