Oh yeah ... and by the way.
Good morning. This is me. I expect to be interrupted in a few moments. We should be getting in another volunteer group from DARST. They are either high school or college kids coming in to spend time with our people. It’s just 10 am now and that’s when they are due. It seems that Rosa is out for now so I might not get the pamphlets that I should have asked for yesterday. Me and Rosa seem to be on Rocky ground of late. I think she really didn’t want to translate that last communication we gave her. It was long. And, then she gave us a hassle in putting client Spring Fling pictures on the wall. *sigh*Sometimes you just can’t win. I noticed when I went up front to check on things that Rich is in. That’s nice. He’s talking to Sr. Theresa. I think we had a pretty good time yesterday … a little tame. It was ok I guess I was massaging his back, shoulders and feet, but then I discovered his forehead where his hat rests and his hands smelled like fish. We weren’t really in favor of that smell. We had known he’d been out with Bob most of the day … that part was ok, and I was happy they came in about the time I was getting home. We reminded Rich that in the past when he’d come over after fishing he’d take a quick shower. Now he seems to be more homeward, but thinking he can get by with that. Uh-uh … If he wants to touch me he’s going to need taking away his fish scents. I like fish … just don’t appreciate their smell. At least NOT in bed!
That pretty much ties up last night.
AHA! Our group is here now. We’ve just given them the introduction, tour, and then split them up to be spending time in each of the rooms. We’ve done our good deed. Now the rest of the hour is pretty much them being independent of me. We will get together about 11:25 so the groups have some time to be eating before the volunteers join them again. It also gives us a chance to talk about their experience. I would like to talk to Mindy a little the woman in charge. I would like to ask her what we could do to make the presentation of St. Rose better for her groups. They are coming in regularly 3-4 times a month it seems. The clients really like having them here and they are always real excited when Gasper chooses someone to stay behind in that room.
Ok, then it’s what is what next. I think where we left off yesterday is that we had spent the remaining time that we weren’t writing by working on diagnosis. I read a pretty incredible number of articles. Eventually I found my way over to Wikipedia and I processed a lot of information through them.
Whoops that's MISSY and Chief (Mischief) :)
3 hours ago •
Julie Schaefer
They are adorable!!! I know what you mean when you say "the joy" they've given you over the years. I love mine immensely and can't imagine my life without them.
3 hours ago •
Ann Ludford Garvey
True ... though there might be more room on the couch!
3 hours ago •
Julie Schaefer
AND in my bed....I have three kitties and they ALL like to sleep with me at night....one advantage to being single - it gives me a tad bit more room than I would normally get - LOL
3 hours ago •
Ann Ludford Garvey
Do they let you be the "alpha" cat?
3 hours ago •
Julie Schaefer
are you kidding - they so OWN me!!! lol
3 hours ago •
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner
I think Chief and Missy are just allowing you to live there so someone brings them food. They are the most beautiful cats. They love to sit on my sister and stare at me. Eventually I hope they at least allow me to pet them!
about an hour ago •
Ann Ludford Garvey
Cats enjoy having company ... just in small doses.
15 minutes ago •
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner
I think Missy was almost starting to like me. I need to figure out if they can be bribed with cat treats. You have two very nice kitties.
10 minutes ago •
Ann Ludford Garvey
No marshmallows though..
Ann Ludford Garvey
Morning ... feeling a little sleepy at work ... *sigh* It's supposed to be a really good day to use all my energy ... wondering if I will find it at the bottom of my coffee cup? I did quite a bit of reading yesterday in an investigative manner. Maybe today we'll spend some time analyzing all that. Small group of volunteers to be in today and yesterday Rich caught an itty-bitty fish ;)
4 hours ago
Terri Eickhoff
itty bitty, now that is just "Cute"...Go Richie! The guys have been getting skunked down here these past few days....
4 hours ago •
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner
Wake up! I really enjoyed spending time with you this weekend. Last night as Curly tried telling me Mark had left some food on the counter about 2am, I had to laugh about how right you were. If the dogs slept through the night, I would get much more rest. I am also thinking about your favorite place to stop on the way to work. Oh, and I am ... thinking I need to find a good Slurpee source! Now that I have finally gotten caught up on things around here I can start on the quilt and my homework for class. I am trying to pretend the taxes will just get done on its own. Hope your day picks up!
56 minutes ago •
Ann Ludford Garvey
Well now that you've told everyone all my tricks how will I be able to surprise the next guest?
16 minutes ago •
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner
Oh I think you have lots of surprises left! I didn't tell were you go, just that you have a few favorites!
14 minutes ago •
Ann Ludford Garvey
They say loose lips sink ships hmm?
12 minutes ago •
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner
Ok. I really had a good time. How are others supposed to know how enjoyable a visit it is if I am watching if I am sinking some big ole boats!
7 minutes ago •
Ann Ludford Garvey
Hire an adviser? We've got plenty :)
5 minutes ago
Hmm, she’s probably feeling pretty threatened now … better try and fix this …
Dear Connie Sue,
I’m sorry to be holding you so tight on the FB I'm breathing now – I’m becoming aware in the process of checking my behavior, but there is a lot of psychological stuff going on. I takes us a while to analyze our behavior and then to analyze not you, but how your behaviors affect us. We seem to be getting caught up in that … Rich told us we were very abrupt, direct, or forthright with you and I’m thinking that is happening again. We respond to most through sometimes more than others a defensive system. Usually that means we are feeling aggression against us and or feel as if we are being attacked – as to our sensibilities.
We knew that the amount and variety of talking was hard on the system when you were here. It feels sometimes passive-aggressive. I don’t mean to change you; we can only work on our own behavior. So we’ve been processing a certain level of frustration that will be helped when we can see Dr. Marvin again. This area needs more exploration with someone the system considers safe. By saying this I don’t mean to say your and our relationship is being held at risk. It's not ... it's just a process of knowing who each other are.
And now, I’m just saying that after a long visit I need help straightening out my pieces and parts. For example some feel threatened with all the conversation that wasn’t necessary as if our quiet time could be run over with a Mack truck. Umm, we’re being a little extreme here because we are having a lot of strong emotions. Strong emotions aren't bad and we don't always have to have child parts out to handle them. Doesn’t mean you or us are bad people. Just that our relationship is fraught with difficulty do to our past and present realities.
For example, it was also hard when you were being critical of our hosting. I know that you believe you were very complimentary, but what we are picking up is that it’s a sort of double talk where you are going almost out of your way to say nice things like today 3 days after the fact. It feels like a peppering of criticism with positive words that are supposed to mask the negative stuff. It's ok to have negative feelings about your experience. Shoot I had some!
I believe both of us have a lot of aggressiveness especially when one or both of us are tired. The days were tiring. We learned aggression growing up in our house to make sound like you aren’t angry, because it wasn’t allowed that we could be angry or have many feelings that weren’t being directly controlled by parents. We weren't' given healthy coping mechanisms. For example … it’s ok that Dad stands on a share and throws his dinner of spaghetti on the floor, but it is not ok that you or I do that. And, Damn ... you better pick up that mess too! As to the weekend – we are way past that and need to move on… We’re up to yesterday and today. As soon as you wish we can discuss this or move on.
To help you understand what we hear when you were “complimenting” us yesterday that is still having an effect on me wasn’t anything you were saying directly to me, but indirectly by telling my FB world what is on your mind. We are feeling guarded by our interpretation of the sentiments such as Ann Marie doesn’t entertain much, Ann Marie doesn’t share at all. Ann Marie is spoiled, Ann Marie isn’t wealthy enough to have two bathrooms, I (Connie Sue) wasn’t given privacy. Ann Marie’s TV had only 5 channels, Ann Marie probably won’t have a TV for me the next time I come, Ann Marie didn’t “share” her significant other, Ann Marie’s and her psychiatrist are wrong and marshmallows aren’t really a control object, it’s ok for Connie Sue to tell “the world” judgmentally about Ann Marie’s house because I’m now an Ann Marie expert. Ann Marie didn’t put enough drinks in the fridge because they were all gone and weren’t replaced, I hope I’m not expected to pay for anything, and it’s ok for me (Connie Sue) to rate the hospitality of Ann Marie’s house on a star system in front of her friends and family. She doesn't have to ask me to do this. I think it is best for her. Then Connie Sue said … she was not spoiled cuz God in heaven knows that.
Everything said negatively is complimented with something positive, but I call it double speak, because the message going out is that all these things you are going on about are somehow important to you, important to relate to me, or important to relate to my world. I don’t believe you are trying to conscientiously do anything that should frustrate me or hurt the relationship, but things are happening at a psychological level with both of us. If I can only say things that sound “flowery” then I’m not being truthful to you. I don’t want to change you, but I am going to tell you how we perceive things in trying to understand our experience with you and what we as a “multiple” system are now dealing with. It’s ok to say Holy shit … I was just trying to be nice! I’ll take that. And, no it’s is hermetically impossible for me to stop being analytical. It’s the crux of our being.
Let’s use this to move forward. Tell me if anything what you think or feel toward what I’m writing to you now or say anything directly to me about the weekend … or pass and we’ll both wait for our next or next occurrence to further our relationship. I won’t however go backward. I’m going to be figuring out this stuff with or without you no matter how or which way you rate sanity.
I’m not sure why now today three days later you decided to talk again about your visit - maybe you are just getting up to it … I think you are going out of your way to say positive things to appease my savage beast and you most likely feel you are treading on egg shells. I also think you may not believe it, but from my perspective there are a lot of control issues on the floor – as well as manipulations. Like if I say pretty things then she’ll have to like me, but to me I am feeling manipulated by these things (I can feel manipulated, or maybe me in pushing these kinds of conversations are making you feel manipulated). Again there are problems in my many levels of consciousness with what I’m calling the double talk.
Today the words came out as my cats only allow me in their presence because I feed them. My cats stared at you. My cats wouldn’t let you pet them. And, your sorta pissed off because you wanted my cats to like you. You want me to like you too. You figured they could be bribed. If they like Ann Marie because she feeds them maybe if I feed them they will like me too. Both of us have food issues. A part of my experience is that food was used to manipulate my behaviors. How can you dislike a grandma as she’s feeding you cups of marshmallows? I think I should tell everyone that Ann Marie doesn’t really have a private life and she took me to her favorite place on the way to work. We had slurpees one of her favorite things. It’s now 4 hours after Ann Marie stated she felt sleepy, but I wish she’d have a better day now … and get off my back. I was just telling all her friends after using 3 days to get over my Ann’s life cultural shock that I approve the visit. I’d rather be on her good side than on her bad side.
Eh … it’s a thought.
posted by Ann Marie @ 3/24/2010 03:16:00 PM
Comments: 1
