An Emotional Day Best Put Behind Me
Good morning. This is me. We’re getting a late start today … it’s already 10 am and Rich has made me angry. About my only priority in life is this house. He put me off for 4-5 days where while he was gone he wouldn’t look at the pictures. So then he got home last night and he again said no. I said you said when you get home. So he said tomorrow. So then I said this morning … now? And he said later at work. So then he came in to work and I said now? And he said no.I’m pretty disgusted mad. Last night he wanted to give me a bunch of garbage of already knowing the house because of the type of houses I look at. I don’t know how to handle this much frustration.
After he had first come home, I’d messed around with him … and then he ate dinner, but there was no reason we couldn’t do it afterward and because he wouldn’t I was mad. I didn’t want him to touch me. He had taken us into the bedroom earlier than of late and he tried to hold me but we were as stiff as a rock … just a crumpled figure.
Then I told him we were more like roommates and that I was going to move into Maury’s room after he cleaned it up this week. He didn’t like that and added that if anyone were to move it should be him. We were insistent on having given him this bedroom, but I’m not going to argue … he can move out. I’d just as soon have my own space …
We’ve got such mixed feelings as to hug him or hit him. Sadly … we’re really lost in between. Then a few moments ago I shut the door. I am going to want my privacy. He had said something about getting sandwiches for lunch, but now I don’t want them. I will eat my soup and he can eat by himself. Then he said he wanted to go over CARF with me … and I said fine get Sr. Theresa’s permission first. He didn’t want to do that, but I reminded him last time I had asked her for your help she said no. I’m too angry to fit to be tied.
I have to acknowledge too that he’s going to at one point today look at it, but then disregard its reality. And, that’s going to piss me off even more. I’m not doing all of this so I don’t get a house … I’m saying I want to move and if you don’t want to … go somewhere else and stop wasting my time.
Man I sound evil. But, that’s the way I feel. I think I may have to tell sister that I need to go home. I’m not going to sit outside the door and be insulted throughout. Oh oh … here he comes.
He must know I’m pissed … he knocked on my door … apparently it was locked. I didn’t do that, but …
Ok, back … there was another skirmish. At one of those points he put his head in and said he had found time to look at it now – so was asking how to get into the FB program. I set it up for him and he adjusted toward his screen to see most of the picture and the words. He questioned when I sat down in the extra chair next to him. He said he was mad and I said fine we’re mad too. But, he read through the notes without saying anything. We didn’t say anything either.
Afterward he looked up and said it was a nice house. Then he asked me if we had looked at him sternly throughout and we said for the most part yes. Then he started to flood us with all the reasons we couldn’t do it like he didn’t think we could do stairs. I said it’s only 14 stairs for a $62,000 difference in cost. He said he’s done stairs before. Then he said we can’t afford it and he doesn’t have $83,000 to put down on a house and how that would be the only way he could afford it. I said you would NEVER have $83,000 to put down on a house … he might have said some other malarkey, but by that time his phone rang, and I left the room angrily back to my own office with the door shut. The music is on so I can’t hear him directly. I’m going to assume that he’s gone back to work and everything is a done deal.
Now we’re at fit to be tide. Just so angry … don’t know what to do. I think we have to sit still until we get some calm about us. Maybe we’re going home. Not sure of that yet. I’ll give it another hour if we can and if the situation isn’t better we’ll leave for the half day. I want some credit for being here today. I think problems are something you work out on your way to a solution. I just can’t handle no … everything is impossible and I’m not going to do anything to change it.
I just can’t handle that. So angry. Just sitting here stony trying not to cry.
The music is soft and almost melancholy.
The thoughts of being suicidal just started. Ok … girl … step back off that ledge.
Don’t need to go there. Just that when we’re really angry it becomes more real. It feels like an alternative. I need to find out about the mortgage to see if it is doable. Maybe Debbie is going to say no and then that will be it anyway.
Feel myself closing down. It’s 10:51 am. Almost 11 … then it will be 11:30 pm lunch time … did he think this whole situation was going to go away by leaving for over a week to go fishing?
I can’t deal with this much hopelessness. I feel unable to function. Wiping away the hot kind of tears. Don’t know what to think.
I deserve this on myself. I don’t think I’m going to deal with reality for a long time. Hurts too much. Why can’t we make new realities? I’m not understanding.
Just can’t deal with this much negativity. Is it now that I don’t want to be with him just because he can’t give me the house I want when I want it? It seems this is what we’re saying. I’m pretty sure on an intellectual level that would have to be a stupid thing to do then. But, I can’t think of it as impossible … I think like ok, what’s next, what’s next. This must be some kind of functional difference between us.
What have we got if we can’t dream together. What that I should worry about the days I have to fold socks. This is not the kind of reality I see in front of me … that I should focus on folding socks because its within our routine and that’s all we get is some kind of routine existence. If there is nothing to live for … thoughts of life getting better? Why isn’t just being in love with Rich good enough?
That’s the thing … it doesn’t seem good enough … keep going back to the 15 long years. If he’s having trouble clearing his head from being married. That’s his problem. He is working out his negativity from being married on me. No no no … we can’t have that we can’t do that … Life is you work, I work, I go fishing and you work, and then we work some more. Because of what? What do we work for? What are our hopes and dreams … isn’t there something special we try building up for. To live in the same place with the same routines forever doing the same kind of disagreements and arguments – I just don’t see the purpose. I feel like screaming get out get out!
Do I mean that … do I want to step into that land mine? It can’t have any benefits … am I ready and willing to put everything on the line right now … there may be no turning back.
Rich just sent me this in email …
That was my bank, my account just went minus. I have not been paid by New Hope yet this month and at this point I have not received any money from Universal in 3 weeks. I am only making if everyone pays me 33,120 per year. I have minus what I must pay my wife. That is 2760 per month. With this I must pay my car and insurance of about 600 per month. My boat is 180 per month. My health insurance is 520 per month. My second mortgage is about 300 per month. My gas and car expenses is about 800 a month and to our house about 1000 per month. There are other expenses too but this totals up to 2900 already.
I know that I am not making enough money and desperately need to increase my earnings. I am working hard on my focus. I would be in good condition if I did not pay almost 40,000 to lawyers in the last two years , have to pay alimony, lost my job of 70,000 and pay down my debt some 30,000 dollars. Of course my debt would be much higher.
I hope to rebuild myself over the next 3 years. I feel my sales could increase my pay some 3500 dollars. We pray that I am of value to both St Rose and New Hope and that I can continue officiating or find a replacement which could add an additional 1500 dollars to the 3500. To do this I must remain focused and work extremely hard. Oh I know I fish and play cards once in a while but the reality of this is that if I work I really wish the freedom to do this.
I would like to someday own some more property; I would someday like to buy a home for you. I however realize that I never really took care of what I did own and at present we don't take care of what we need to in the apartment. Therefore what I own need to be as maintenance free as possible. I know that someday my legs will give out so I know that it must be a single level home. Basements are acceptable.
I feel more stress today at not being able to fill my goals than ever before because of how I am being pushed. If I cannot afford what I have right now then I must accomplish goals to increase my revenues so that I may in comfort move ahead. I used to deliver pizzas and deliver newspapers to make the mortgage. I am just too old to do that again. It is important to be supported during this time and to be looked upon like I don't care or am not capable is very disturbing to me. I can accomplish a lot but not if I am not supported. You are the only one ever to let me speak my mind and listen and I feel now that is lost. I have tried to give you what I can but will not forsake what I once promised nor establishing a safety net for my kids. I cannot look to you to support me in the future your bills exceed mine at this time. If we are to have a home in the future it can only be done with hard work and dedication. I will not buy in hopes of the future but can consider it in a secured future. Sometimes I don't have to be told of all my shortcomings, I look in the mirror every day of my life and know what they are. I have however succeeded in the past and expect to do so in the future.
No home you have presented is bad, they were all beautiful. It is just not time to make a move like this now. It is however a time for me to secure my future and in doing so yours. What I need is for you to believe, if you cannot, then my belief falters as well.
Love
Rich
I can’t think straight. I’ve gone into a bit of a shock. I don’t know what to think … I just skimmed the writing … I know I’m supposed to care. Wouldn’t that be the right thing? How can I be so insecure and unstable?
Rich seems to be asking something of him to believe, but I don’t know if I believe.
I don’t know if I can handle believing … like believing in what? I don’t know what to do or think. I’m like being glazed over in crying and tears.
Is it that I’m feeling sorry for myself? This must be it … it’s the sound of someone’s heart breaking. I couldn’t do it twice – find the wrong person? Maybe it’s just me … I’m the wrong person. I’m back to thinking I shouldn’t be here. I’m not sure what to do … I don’t know what to think.
We just looked at our bank account. There is like $384. If we paid the last bill before the next money comes in – school loan that would be $146, plus $60 needs to go in for paying rent and car and $50 should stay in bank. That means I could give Rich $128.
I want to go home. Rich just came in and smiled. He had his coat on … he put a sandwich on my desk, but I don’t want to eat it. I just want to go home. What do I do? Pretty soon I’m going to need going to the bathroom.
It seems like my mood has lightened somewhat … I don’t know if it’s just because we changed parts. I don’t know what to think. Maury called this morning to say that his uncle John Gancer is going to die within this week. His cancer has spread everywhere. I think they just started dealing with it 3 weeks ago. Maury was having a hard time with it, but we didn’t know what to really say. We made sure he knew that we’d always liked John and that he’d always had accepted us. I asked about the kids. Maury thought he had 3 kids. It’s a pretty terrible thing to happen to him and the family. Maury said that John’s kids are between college and late high school.
I’m not sure if John married the girl he was going with when I last talked with them. I don’t remember her name, but her mother had owned an antique shop that the daughter took over. She was a very nice down to Earth person. I don’t even know if they got married and have been together all this time. I remember now … her name was Sue. I don’t know what happens and again like before we think of our own death. This is probably not a safe place to go though right now. We feel terribly depressed.
I had originally wanted to take off Friday because it would be a 4 day weekend. I’m not sure if I can make it that long. Checks should be given out on that day, but maybe Rich could pick up the check.
I feel better in some ways worse than others. The emotional part isn’t there so much … feels just tired. I think crying takes that out of you. I did go to the bathroom without saying anything to Rich, but I did eat his half sandwich. Alone.
We did something else, but now we don’t remember. Maybe checked something with email. I’ve heard Rich outside our door a few times … he gets periodic phone calls. Oh I remember something. We went back over to read Rich’s email.
We came away from it with the belief that he has about $2000 he didn’t include in the income … just a couple of weeks ago he told us that he had been at $10,000 a month, but was now taking in $7800. Now he’s taking in $5800. He might have gotten a bank call saying he was overdrawn. Can’t imagine him making something like that up, but he’s been on vacation eating, sleeping and using gas like crazy … I don’t feel he’s destitute. I don’t know the part of picking up checks or not. I’m thinking he’s probably telling something pretty close to the truth, but it’s surprising not to hear of it til now.
Of course I’m concerned. But, it doesn’t excuse the situation as to not planning.
If he’s that desperate he is going to need following through on the resume as he stated he might do or he’s got to work on something more concrete for sales. I don’t feel emotionally ready to invest that much time in this. I feel a little concerned when money woes only come up when convenient in an argument.
I feel like there is an overriding concern here that we plan realistically what could or needs to happen in the next three years. This is the first time I heard that date and as to my knowledge it’s ungrounded. Why not two years, one year?
When I was putting myself into the equation of being paid for sex – I thought twice a week for 52 weeks – that would $10,000 … I figured that’s what I need for a down payment. None of this ridiculous $83,000. With $8000 tax, and money for PMI and insurance then a $250,000 – 83,000 = 167,000 and for 15 year loan at 6% that would be a payment of about $1,788. For a $240,000 loan under the same conditions the monthly payment would be $2,248 or about $460 extra a month. It makes more sense to do it monthly so you could be living in the house … because the only other way to do it is to not live in the house … save $460 a month for the next 15 years, but by then … why would you want to buy a house and what kind of cost are houses going to be by then?
Then Rich says he’s going to have bad legs and must have a single floor, but that a basement is ok … Like doesn’t a basement have stairs? Too much a contradiction.
Ok, now this would be a plan I would consider. What happened we were to look at saving $300 a week. That would average out to 1300 a month multiply that by 12 months which would be $15,600. That would leave $8,750 for a 3.5% FHA loan and almost $7000 for closing or other new home related expenses. That also would mean that we practice for the next year having $1300 a month being put aside from our normal incomes or in meeting that requirement … Basically a mortgage, insurance and taxes for a $250,000 place at 5% is going to cost $2200 and $1300 is the difference of the $900 we are accustomed to paying now.
Then to be fair the question would be how could I earn half of that or an extra $650 a month. I’d have to do that much if I were going to ask Rich to save the same.
Ok, so we’re going to get yelled at for the money issue again, but we spent about $35 signing up to an Internet site that had companies needing workers such as data entry specialists. We sent out three applications, and will do some more later.
There were a lot of names of companies to go through. The rule is that no one that advertises for employment at this site may ask for money. The companies seemed real … I might have to consider a medical transcription school though. I saw that that’s where the big bucks data operators are, but most of them were asking for like 3+ years of experience.
Rich had left another message for me since we still weren’t talking to him when he left a couple of hours ago. He said:
Hi, going to Universal now, then to cleaners, grocery shopping and plan to have dinner about 5:00 PM.
I’m going to try to meet all my obligations for baseball training this week. I will go to meeting for UMPs tonight and it looks like my certification training and rules meeting obligation can be met on Sunday. I still plan to have xmas for Chris on Saturday after my basketball games in the morning. I will make $120 on Saturday.
See you at dinner
Love
Rich
Yeeks that sounded biting … the part that he said he’d make $120. Makes me feel better that before he sent it I was looking for a means of earning an extra income. More on this later ... very tired of full afternoon of searching for a new position.
The last position applied for was as a keyword proofreader, but I didn't proof the letter before sending out and mistakenly typing the wrong year *sigh*
posted by Ann Marie @ 2/24/2010 04:18:00 PM
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