Grandma's Funeral - Friday
Dear Thom,Good morning. This is me Mom. This is me the Mom saying Happy Birthday to Thom, Happy Birtoo Thoommm, Haaapppyy Birtthhdayyy toooooo THOOOOMMMM!!
HAPPY BIRRTHH DAAAYYY too YOUUU!!!!!
*Sung in my best Happy Birthday song flourish*
Hehehe I’m sorry I couldn’t get this to you on your birthday, but please know that if I could have I would have given it to you with a smooch and a whoppingly good hug! Yup, yup … maybe TWO!
I’m thinking today for your birthday surprise instead you have your riflerys expertise shooting test thing going on instead. WoooHOOO!!! I look forward to hearing what a good shot you are. Maybe there will be a letter when I get back. I sure hope so. You’ll have the 3 from this trip, when I get back from this trip, but I think after we get back to the house it’s back to hand written letters for you until I get to work with the printer. Hmm maybe after we pay for the trips, well though there are a few more trips though too … what happens you are graduating the next part and the next part! Might have to be at those too! We count on the show Top Gun to get us through it. Gives us the expectation well of course you are going to be getting through it because there are much bigger things in the wind.
Shoot it’s like don’t get me started already this morning … I’ve got you running the Pentagon already Ahhh such a good son! Hehehe well, that AND he’s going to boot camp! WooHOOO!!!!
As to our reality here … this is the last day of our little journey. Joe and us had a real good talk last night about stuff going on here in MN between the family and then some between the two of us. He’s such a gosh darn smart kid. I enjoy immensely my time with him. This has been the nicest thing. There just aren’t enough words. Shoot now I get the tears! I think that Maury will go with his father when he gets here, but maybe then you will stay with us some time? I think visiting for the record can get to be kinda hard, but then there’s times like when were with the Joe and it’s just pretty darn cool.
There was ONE little incident last night about who was going to get the lights I think he confused one of our youngest parts who was tired and I’m not sure pudding was involved. Not sure of that part. There was another part that I wish I could have had a tape recorder for. For the most part Joe had been fairly quiet around my mother and John. Between the two of them they go over and over again into their stories and they don’t really leave a lot to be said in-between. They interrupt each other for the listening audience. I fed the fuel as part of my “guest” role. But, Joe hung back listening to most of it and asking things if necessary, but that wasn’t often. He did a lot of the rings. I think I’ve talked of that over the last three days. But, I think he must have been building up a head of steam. He had told me from the start that he thought confrontation was the way to go. He said that on the car ride up.
So somewhere – I’m not sure where exactly the conversation got introduced, but it had come up with Scott. I remember one question I had asked. It was pretty general. I said, “So, like you and Scott aren’t really talking to each other are you?” They got as far as sitting at the same family table after the funeral, but at opposite sides. There was even one conversation where they were in the same related talk, but not directly to one another. My mother went on to explain her position and John his and neither were favorable to Scott. I didn’t offer my position. Joe, however, had been out with Scott and Meredith to the Minneapolis Art Museum, which is pretty big like the Chicago ones. He talked to Scott of his opinions. And, Joe had made his own conclusions that we talked about after the dinner.
But, the point was during the dinner … Joe decided for the first real time since he had gotten here to have his say in the conversation. But, at that point it wasn’t really a conversation … it was Joe giving down his interpretation of what had happened between my mother and Scott and basically, he was telling my mother that she had a choice to make and that if she didn’t make a choice now to repair some damage to the relationship, that she would lose an entire lifetime of the relationship. I don’t think it was like a “shame-based” talk though. Because Joe put his heart into it and gave it from his own perspective and talked from the bases of forgiveness. At the end, he said something in relationship to caring enough about them that they try and he also said that he had wanted to give her something and he presented her at that time with a bracelet from the chain that he had been making. He had made on previous that he thought might go to her, but he didn’t think she could appreciate it and he found a better recipient in his cousin Meredith. She was very proud to get his offering.
I don’t know if my mother can understand the value of what it was that he had finally offered her in some kind of acceptance, but I’d talked to Joe about that too earlier in that she was with certain limitations. Dr. Marvin says that she has most likely got Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think I mentioned this to you before. I wanted Joe to understand and I think he was able to see it that when he would say things about himself that she would take ownership of the conversation so that everything would be about her. For example in lasts talk there was one point when Joe and I confirmed exactly the situation. It was one of the rare times Joe broke his listening stance to speak … he talked about going to the Museum of Arts. Joe said something about his experience, and then my mother barely waited for him to stop and then showing no signs that she had heard him went automatically into her experience as a child at the museum. I think it’s the nature of her disorder. I had talked to Joe earlier of my own effort in trying to accept her with the disorder UNDER the boundaries of not thinking I would suddenly get someone who was going to start acting like a mother – as sucky as that might be.
She could know the proper time to cry, but she doesn’t understand crying from the heart because people touch each other. Dr. Marvin said that she would be doing it from a position of her feeling sorry for herself or for attracting attention. Sometimes I see little parts of that in one of myselfs too and I have to be real careful not to try the manipulative aspects. Mostly those feelings are relegated to the younger parts, which is how I think the system works it out of our system. So for example with Rich- we might cry about something … but, then he might say you don’t need to cry about that, and then a younger part might come back and tell him why she thinks she needs to cry and then he will tell her why that’s not necessary. Hehehe because of the nature of the beast she will usually try to say that she can be convinced better if she is given a food reward, but even that too now days is changing … BUT … it’s been a long time since Rich has bought that argument. I think that’s something closer to what happened with Joe last night … something about pudding and turning off the light … shoot still don’t have a handle on it though. I think I’m close and then it eludes me.
But, as far as the Joe statement to my mother directly and John indirectly? It was probably the most important statement said to them all week. I think next though Joe has to realize that although he’d like to sort and separate like Scott that Scott is competitive for his mother’s attention from John and that if he wants and if Joe wants a relationship of Scott to Mom then he is going to have to accept him in the picture. But the images that Scott was giving Joe were very outdated. Scott was using my sister and me … although none of the three of us have been in contact with each other for 5 years … as to fight his argument with Joe. He told Joe that the relationship with my mother and John had devastated the three of us as my sister was a sophomore in high school, myself a senior, and my brother a freshman in college. The thing is – that for me – that had happened long ago and although I have feelings about that situation and thoughts – I have been starting to accept John since the days your Dad and I were together and pretty much fully accept him now as my mother’s partner. I’ll never accept him as my father, but I accept him having a role in the family. The bridge had been in your Dad’s day when as an activity together helping me to tolerate them – your Dad and I would play them 500 with John as my partner and your Dad my mothers. Long long years of work into that.
But, this would then be a situation of my brother’s mental manipulation of Joe. Another would be in explanation of why it is that my brother and I am not speaking – Scott told Joe something about me telling him not to be the first one to call and that I would contact him first and that he was never to contact my sons. When Joe told me that it was like Huh? I said I don’t think so. I told Joe that the last time there was contact was over my Dad’s and Sandy’s affairs 5 years ago. I didn’t have a means to get home the furniture pieces him and CS and Sandy’s sister had left for me, so Scott took the furniture that was designated for me back to his place saying he’d bring it down to me later. It wasn’t a lot, and it was actually less. Between one of the three – one took my grandmother Ludford’s silver, which was supposed to have been my private inheritance along with the dishes that I’ve since given Maury. I know silver has monetary value, but it was the sentimental value in that they belonged to the set and since it was the only thing I was gifted literally, beside my even share of the money – it was my thing.
Scott though was like after he had my stuff – the other tangibles, which really weren’t a lot (1984 TV, my computer table and chairs, small microwave, and recliner), he wasn’t going to bring them down. At the time … all of those things were better than I had. All of that caused “bad blood” over what hadn’t started off as “good blood.” I’ve never trusted my siblings because they think and treat as mostly mentally ill. So when the executor of the will called about the money to be distributed – she was collecting addresses – I told her about Scott not getting furniture to me. I had been originally upset with her, because I had told her the will didn’t say you inherited these pieces only if you could afford a truck to pick them up 400 miles away and that it should come out of executive funds. So she blocked Scott’s inheritance until he got me the furniture. Maury had been trying over a year to get it – I think he asked to use your hummer to pick it up. Scott just kept stalling and putting him off and not returning calls. But, all of a sudden he was “free” to meet him half way.
That is why I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to deal with him. I gave Maury cart blanche to deal with my brother in the families interest. I never told Scott not to contact you guys. Again, it’s just more manipulation. Just like yesterday I think I’d written as it were happening … I flipped out when he responded that Joe was lost even though he was there and then I thought No this is Scott … why would I trust him now. And, Joe WAS there, but then he made the dumb ass comments to Joe about as if he were a Mama’s boy tied to her apron strings. Whether or not Joe told Scott that he was looking for his independence from me that would have been considered another manipulative statement … this time not only in frustrating me, but in jaunting Joe to “dislike” his mom for having “apron strings.” Especially, if Joe told him about his thoughts of Nathon and CS … about his only or maybe strongest thoughts are of CS telling Nathon what to do to take care of her. Joe looks at that … and puts together what your Dad has said and then says – My mom is manipulative. Mom MAY have even shown different ways of being manipulative. No doubt … that IS the way the family has been raised or trained through and through. But, that would be a discredit to my efforts over the years to see that it is a fault that I’ve tried hard to correct because I didn’t want to go the family way, I saw how it was used by your father as an excuse not to respect me, and how that’s been given to my sons. On the other hand … I can see the work that Rich and I do … neither of us have perfect qualities. I can see us both manipulating at times … shoot … I’m a mistress and adulterator. He’s enabled that situation. But, the thing is with Rich is that we work very hard not to be conscious and honest with each other. And, we’ve tried to carry that back in our relationships especially, with our kids. More directly with you three and indirectly with Rich and his three. I think he tries to be as honest as he can, but safely too … I see him protecting himself and me. I know why he’s not telling his kids honestly that we’re together. That’s going to have it’s own price one day, but Rich and I’ve always had it where I do my family my way, and he his – though we talk a lot in between.
Ok, enough of that think we verged. Hmm, I’ve scanned back to see where we might have been going. It seems we’ve been talking about Scott for a long time this morning. But, you know one last for sure comment on that. Scott and I had a terrible terrible relationship growing up so that we didn’t learn to trust each other like you guys do each other. Sure, you have your personalities so that you know where NOT to trust each other, but you support regardless. Scott’s been pulling this thing since he’s been small of standing there as “the family spokesman” meaning over my sister and I. He does it without knowing anything about where my sister and I might stand. AND, believe me I have no understanding where she is at, though I KNOW through a cousin she’s not talking to him either. The thing is though … Scott does and says things 9 times out of 10 to benefit Scott and possibly benefit his daughter, and then probably secondarily his wife. He didn’t set up that situation with the museum yesterday … I did that. Joe said he wanted to meet family so at the table when I heard Scott say he was taking his daughter to the museum before he went back to his town and she went back to school, I stated out loud that maybe Joe would like to get in on that trip. I saw by Joe’s face he took it to be an opportunity and Scott and Meredith picked it up. It should have been a win-win situation.
I know that Joe loves and understands me better than his Uncle, and I have a super fine trigger protective nature as does Scott. I don’t like seeing Joe manipulated by his Uncle through the little example of the “Joe’s lost” thing or in giving Joe the “acceptable” side of the family to believe. As smart as I know Joe to believe … he’s vulnerable too especially of the religious. My brother talks a good story. Joe was offended by John saying something stupid about Scott’s pseudo religion. But, I don’t want to see Joe caught up in the extremes of two goofy situations of fighting for the Narcissistic love of my mother – someone who can’t truly love anyone other than herself. There was something pretty funny in that relation. Sometime yesterday or the day before … Joe told me that he had named his own grandma. I guess he decided his own came umm let’s just say to be nice “overly complicated.” He decided to accept instead “Diane.” That’s the nice neighbor lady that follows my mother and John wherever they go. The couple stay at Diane’s house … they use her, but keep her “company” so they figure they’re helping her out. No comment there, but that relationship has probably been going on for 25 years. She’s a widow and her two kids are out of state. I think Diane’s gotten a lot out of visiting my Grandmother all of these years and the whole thing has given her a sense of family. Hehehe Joe named all the positive qualities quiet, humble Diane has … if Joe wasn’t so gosh darn earnest it may be even MORE funny!
One of the nicest things of Joe is that there is some of me that still is obviously still feeling protective, but for the most part I can leave him alone EVEN with my family. I tried not to check on him too much at the wake or funeral. I was a little worried, because he was spending most the time with just Meredith where he could have been getting to know other worthwhile relatives, but then Joe found in her to be such an exceptional relative that he didn’t really need to go much further. I think it was overwhelming to him, because there were more relatives worth meeting. I think Joe had a little trouble with crossing age barriers. When I think of how he spoke to my mother and John – he has no trouble speaking on an intelligent basis, but he doesn’t have the comfort level as someone such as my cousin Steve, or for example Steve’s son – who knew more people, but was also more willing to meet strangers – both young and old. Joe was more cautious. Joe had his limitations too in that he pretty much stuck to saying just the few things about himself such as Karate and the obvious wire work that he was doing. It was a little strange that he kept working on it throughout the wake, funeral dinner, and meals before and after that, but that is what his comfort level was. I don’t know other’s impressions of that, nor was I concerned. I was concerned that Joe be comfortable. The only thing I pushed and it was probably stupid was that Joe had been sitting on his foot during the beginning of the service in such a way that it stuck out in the aisle and was hitting ladies dresses I thought as they went down the aisle. He gave me and I gave him some pretty mean looks because as free as I want him to be … I don’t think one persons freedom should affect another’s. I felt he was in their space by having the bottom of his shoe touch their fancy funeral clothing and I thought that disrespectful. It was a non-issue, really, but might come up on the way home. Sometimes you guys are so much like your father in being absolutely right that you just can’t see from others’ perspectives. Like from a mother’s perspective there would be no other conversation other than some of her son’s best attributes, but from others perspectives whose she is forced to see in her more protective nature … it is better for him to blend in as far as … he should have been more interested in others too, such as if someone asks, “How are you?” Then you say, “Fine, And, how are you?” Joe might get out that basic sentence, but as to continuation of a real conversation into their life – not much further. I think that’s my fault though. I do a lot of listening I think in person to you guys – not you because you’ve not been here, but of Joe and Maury, so they have more tendencies to talk about themselves than of the other – which also might be complimented in that I used to do the same with your father. His personality also affects your all self interest or “party interest” in primarily yourselves. Harder to broaden that a bit to include others. But, then I have hope … I know you bring others into your games. There must be then some parts after much testing of you that are open, hmm? PLUS … now you are … completely different circumstances. Things will be different for you and only time will tell how.
I don’t want you to go away thinking that I had any problems with Joe being here. The part just mentioned above is smalllllll comparison to the good and strong feelings I had about him. In this world up here and maybe I can talk about it later is that my grandmother liked to help others. She liked to talk, sew or cook for them. The minister said she always had to have a piece of cloth in her hand (meaning the sewing). That’s the part that I felt most strongly Joe was connected to and I saw that from the start of his trip on the car ride up throughout. Joe works with his hands the way my Grandmother worked with his. She would have been proud of his work. That’s why most strongly I didn’t say anything about Joe’s bringing things with him. It became part of the make-up of the group. People would look over to him and there he was like gramma stitching and stitching.
Hmm think we’re going to take a little break here. I’m going to get dressed for the day and go down for some hot coffee … the stuff in the little pot is about done. Joe and I agreed that we’d leave when we both got up. I really needed some time to write longer to you than the smaller bits and parts over the last day or so. So I was appreciative of the nice warm fire during the last couple of hours. I don’t know but you seem to be getting more and more patient with my long letters every day! *Silly grin*!!
Ok … back from downstairs. I ate a nice breakfast than wrote an email to a friend and then when checking on room downstairs I met Joe crossing paths. So told him to relax because I had to pack up. So SHOULD be doing that now … you know home is not far away though, CUZ Dogs “In the bag!”
We’ll catch up when we get to a printer in a couple of days.
I love you with everything I got and one more time if I may HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPYYYYYY BIRRRRRRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
THOM!!!!!!!!
Love Mom!
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/26/2008 07:42:00 PM
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