Ayn's Multiple World

Dear Me

Take a note please. This is to go to ourselves and our blog and that’s that. You are being so busy writing to everyone else we don’t know how WE are doing, because we’re all spent out? Hmm? I think it’s time we take an analysis of how we’re doing. Do you know that it’s been a month since we’ve written to our blog? Like what’s that? Do you know we have no Idea what’s been happening? We’re up to Letter #22 with Thom’s stuff, but there have been many handwritten letters going out too so … there is no way to track down what’s really been happening.

We knew this was something that we were going to need facing – that there is a month of our life we know nothing about. Well, let’s be realistic. There’s actually only 20 days missing – so see it’s not so bad! Oh man, do I miss that! We can be as silly as we want when we are writing to ourselves. And, we don’t have to do the editing part. That is a relief. I think that we still have to worry about the work part, because sooner or later, someone’s going to want to know what we’er up to.

That parts for sure. Most often we kind of hang back trying to hang under the radar, but I don’t think that’s too fair to our boss. Shows not too much leadership responsibility either. Have to face her today sometime soon. The other Q asked to switch days for meetings Thursday and Friday an I’m not sure she talked to Sr. about it. It means switching the DSPs schedule and the clients’ schedule so she should know.

Ahh just relieved my presumed guilt. I gave her a call, but she wasn’t in. Might still be at lunch. Shoot. Forgot about lunch. Wait a sec … better get mine out.

Ok, well so it’s well after lunch now and several things have gone through. For one its official that the two training dates have been switched. And, the second thing well there’s more … we listened to sister a bit … we’re having trouble with the budgeting. Holly forgot to get a new disk for the client payroll so it’s being held up for two months because when they sent it in on the old disk it was rejected. You might imagine how happy that is making Sister. This is the first I’m hearing about it. Guess it was just discovered this morning. Ouch. Sr. says she hasn’t paid the sister 4 months rent which is like $20,000. I know that that’s a big problem too.

She said that she’s using money from the savings account. She had me check my hours while I was up there too. I have 20 left, but we don’t know how many will be needed for the recovery of the surgery – hoping only 2-3 weeks so 10-15 days, plus 3 days for Thom’s graduation. And, two to spare. She’s saying that if I went under in the number of days that I might have to pay for my insurance. I said I don’t know that Rich helps me with my insurance – she said or we could drop it. But, it didn’t come up that mean. Anyway, I called Rich and he said not to worry about it. He was playing out a couple other scenarios, but I had the feeling he was too busy to talk now. He said we’d talk about it later.

I think Sr. was seeing what she could get from me. We told her from the start that we talked to Rich about our money and that we would ask him. We’ll see where that goes as the time goes on. She said that it seemed that we had a lot of days off already – indicating that 20 days left was too many, but we reminded her we carried days over – so she checked. We had 7 left over, plus we’ve used up 6 vacation days and 1 personal day – so we really have taken time off, but we had time to take off.

I think mostly she’s just worrying about money today because of the payroll problem with Holly. I feel bad because it means that we were all put in jeopardy, but I’m not responsible so I’m not going there.

The other thing that went on was that I asked a couple of days ago and I got a “see me” and today we saw her, AND we got approved. Which means that Brandi and I got approved to take a two week on-line course in “Job coaching and consulting.” It’s going to be really cool. It’s on effective job design, instructional and behavioral support strategies, and the development of natural and co-worker supports.

Basically, you are to put 20 hours into the program over the two weeks. I’m going to do most of it through work, but might bring some home. I talked to sister about us both taking it because it was only $150 each and I would be able to support Brandi and teaching Brandi would better support me as the trainer. I know that Brandi is going to get confused and that I’ll go faster than her, just as much reason for myself to push.

Sister gave me her credit card to set it up, but were still waiting on official approval registration doesn’t count until they run the cards. It must be done manually, because it’s too slow for auto. I hate it when they make you wait.

Everything is designed to be super speedy fast now days. The course starts April 29th and goes to May 12th, Wow just thinking. I hope that doesn’t interfere with my surgery … worse thing could happen is that I miss a few days and do the course at home while recovering. That wouldn’t be too bad. I’d help brandy over the phone.
Be good to keep in touch.

Hmm, ok that’s done what’s next. I have to let go of what we missed. Let’s just say that we’re pretty well. As far as the medical things go. I’ve been through some stuff not sure where we left it. I’m ok with the doctor. There were some scares. They had seen something on the mammogram that turned out to be a lymph node – we have a 6 month follow up with it. There was also at the same appointment concern over the lab result coinciding with my kidney. I had been on the high mark with dehydration and something else. I was at the heart doctor on Monday … I still have the problem with an enlarged heart, but he said that will be improved (heart size lessened) with weight loss, which will be less danger to me.

Arthritis guy says about the same thing. They can suggest other things, but they want to try the weight loss first. I’m still walking pretty good with the cortisone shot to the knees. I have more trouble now with the lower back. The diabetes seems to be in control – though we had a tough week or two. I’m thinking we got over that hump – need to prove ourselves out. I’ve gained about 10 pounds back from what I’d lost for the surgery. If they do approve I’m going to need to radically relose it.

I’m not sure why we did this to ourselves. Just aimless I guess. We were so frustrated with having worked for 6 months and then been rejected. Even though we knew most likely its going to be a temporary rejection, it still felt like a failure. And, I felt a sense of abandonment by the 6 month dr who was supposed to stick it out with me. It didn’t help the surgery nurse chose that week to take a vacation, but then those are just problems I’m making up because I was so frustrated. We’re trying to keep it off Rich … Just it hurts. We’ve also avoided
talking to Dr. Marvin about it.

We might have blown the Dr. Marvin situation for the week. He had to cancel the meeting on Thursday and he rescheduled it for Tuesday. We of course, forgot it.

He’s not sure he has time to make it up on Friday. So there we sit stuck. But, again it was our own fault. We remembered on Monday, then we remembered after Rich came home late last night after the meeting time was over.

I guess we’re not at the point that we should be missing time. We never are. It feels like pressure builds up and we’re not quite sure how to handle it. Like being frustrated without a means of coping. Seems there should be someway … Maybe that’s why we’re writing here again? Hmm, good thinking most likely the case. It was getting so I didn’t know what our personal thoughts were anymore. I don’t know what to write about that is important.

One thing we need to write about is getting our business life back in order. Maybe we should dedicate this next two hours to that? We’ve got a couple of unanswered.

Projects. There is one double stack of papers on my other desk “tucked” away begging to be sorted out … we keep putting things on the stack. Not important immediately, not important. Almost nothing is important immediately. A lot of times not even the mail is important to be opened. Just forms that need to be filed. The business of being in business … just paperwork.

The other thing is there is a whole stack of stuff that needs to be filed in the computer for CARF. I think we talked about that earlier in a letter to a friend.

It’s a pile that really has to get finished before the end of the fiscal year June 30th. Earlier because of the surgery, Thom’s graduation, annual reports and such.

That’s really what I gotta be doing right now yet here we sit stuck. I think if we were to do any one of those two projects we would feel happy, so why is that so hard. If I were V. he would be saying I’m not even going to say it … just do it!

Sounds familiar like every report we refused to start. There must be something in
our system – he’d say stop thinking … your obsessing again. We been obsessing for awhile now. Nobody has to tell us that. It would help if someone could tell us why. If someone could help make our world a little safer and more reasonable.

I think that Thom being gone is being much more impactful than it is supposed to be, although I look at some of the other mothers, and I know that it is being the same way with them – though they might be handling it slightly different. We got two long letters from two of our friends today … I was so happy to see them. I will write when I get home today. I was really worried about the one. But, in general – this is like something major happening that isn’t being explained to me proper yet.

Maybe I can try addressing one of the Moderators. I would like to know what is happening to my mind … how come it is having so much difficulty focusing. Ok, I’m an obsessive that certainly isn’t helping, but is that the whole reason? Dang, I’m not sure of anything! Quit worrying quit worrying.

One of my friends gave me a reason not to be so worried. She reminded me that I had surgery coming up and that was good enough reason to be worried. It was like wow.

Could I? Then I thought maybe if I brought it out just for a few moments at a time – mostly when Rich wasn’t looking. I wonder how different this whole situation would have been if Rich had been by my side throughout and been positive about the surgery – still that’s no excuse either. It has to be me on my own supporting my own cause. No excuses. So, how are we going to get past that difficult spell we’ve been having sneaking off on the way home for a “double” dinner. Ok, yes, you heard it here first … please don’t say nuthin to Rich. We’re just not up to being scolded about it. But, this is a good step.

Maybe if we can say it here we can say it to Dr. Marvin. Just we’re not too sure we can see him this week. He hasn’t responded back to our confused note. I think he’s making us think about it real hard. Does he do that to us? Well he might? Maybe he’s just busy? Maybe. Doctors! They are so unpredictable. Well, let’s think that most likely we’re not going to be able to meet with him … then what’s going to happen? Let’s work out a plan where we confront this diet relapse all by ourselves. We know the Rich plan … BE SCOLDED!

Let’s not do it that way. Not at least until we got it back under control, k?

Ok, then what’s to be done? What is the problem? Well, we do fine all day … just do our yogurt for breakfast, slimfast, pudding and jello for the rest of the day, but then when we get in the car then we want to use our credit card and go about anywhere where we can get quick nibbles. Back to desperation eating. This sounds like the same problems that we were having before. Is there anything that helps?

YES EATING! ACK! We can’t do that!!! But, we have been. Yes, I know that’s been the problem. We’ve got to Stop. Think about it for a moment. What happens were approved for surgery … Or worse yet what happens we’re not … are we going to go for 400???

Well what had worked before is when we went on liquid diet all the way. Rich isn’t going to like that. And, what about … didn’t he leave us something in the fridgerator again for dinner? Besides we only have one more slim fast left. Ok, ok … point taken we might have to plan this and the plan might need to include Rich since he’s shopping for groceries. But, we can do it … and the time might be right now. Are there any other excuses? Well I for one will be sad if we can’t eat food. We will be eating food … just not always the same food, or as much food. Do you remember how we did it before?

I think sorta like we are eating now. We had yogurt for breakfast, v-8 for snack, jello slimfast for lunch, v-8 for snack, jello, popsicle, slimfast for dinner and fudgicle for bed. Maybe we had broth and pickles and cottage cheese too. That’s about it. I think we might need to try that again. But, I think as a failsafe – we should wait until we talk to Dr. Marvin. But, that might not be until next week?!!

Maybe by then insurance will already have decided. Rich will go grocery shopping Friday or Saturday … maybe sooner because of having only one can left of the Slimfast. That only covers Thursday. I know. Seems like we should then start it up soon.

C’mon girls. It would take a commitment from all of us. We’d have to get her back down to 310. Ouch that number hurts, but it is lesser than now – maybe by 10-12 pounds. I know. Think we are at the do or die level. Are we going to be serious about this surgery? We still have to be at the target weight or we are not going to get past our surgeon Dr. Ayloo. As soon as that insurance IF it approves … we are going to need making an appointment and stepping on the scale. THEN we’ll have to go through a countdown on strict diet. And then that’s pretty much it.

Ok, why are we doing all of this? Umm, Ma’am? Yes? Can I go to the washroom?

*sigh* Yes, dear. *giggle*

Ok, all present and accounted for? Yes Ma’am  Just reminded me that we have to be drinking water to take care of that hydration problem. Like Thom? Yes, like Thom …

Good girls!

Ok, #1 reason to lose weight … Health reasons. We’re putting our life in danger by being so morbidly obese. I hate it when you talk like that. I know I know. But we have to face this face on! I like fluffy better! Umm fluffy doesn’t sound too serious. Fluffymuffin? Going the wrong direction… Oh. Overweight then is sufficient. I think we need a heavy term to tie with it. Because I don’t think we take it seriously enough! Do you have an idea? Personally, I’d go for “Deathly overweight.” Oh Lordy … let’s not do that. You can be deathly ill, but you have to be like terminal. We don’t really know when we are going to die. And, I don’t really appreciate the one carrying the banner that says we’re never going to hit 60! Yes, I appreciate someone is taking it seriously. How about Crisis weight.

Like we’re at crisis weight. That would be true, serious, but not too much?! Then we could say we’re working at Crisis weight management. It IS a crisis, isn’t it?

Yes, I would agree with that. How does everyone like the term crisis to describe our weight and the seriousness of it?

Ok, so it’s settled for the moment. Let’s see then if it sticks over some time.

Ok, so now that we’ve cleared that we’re at crisis weight … doesn’t seem to be much else to do, but make some firm decisions. Might mean that we have to go shopping on our own. Why don’t we wait until Candice leave and then give Rich a call. I think
we have everything it would take except the slimfast. Maybe we could pick that up?

We can use the cart and then get th B-12 as well? Is there anything else we really need? Pickles. Pickles would be good … that might wait until Rich shops though … we’ll see. Starting to be heavy. I wonder if there is something in that food that our body is craving and that’s why we’re eating out. Grease or fat most likely.

Can’t have that stuff though. We’ll have to talk to Dr. Marvin about disbursement of food or something about replacement. Hmm, maybe we could go back to eating an apple on the way home. That’s an idea! Good thinking. Have to be good apples though or some other easy to hold fruit. AND taste good! Maybe we could pick that up too. I know OR call Rich, but I think he has a game tonight. And, it looks sunny out. I wish I had my jacket or another dress on. *sigh*

I wonder if we’re not getting enough protein and that’s why we’re dragging. Maybe we should evaluate that. That explain why we could switch from donuts to hamburgers.

Ok … back again … we’ve got about a half an hour left. We’ve been over at the protein bar.  There is a link we found before with all kinds of protein information on individual food items. We found the most manageable – well we didn’t check on protein bars, but Rich says they are high calorie and costly. So, the couple things we figured out is that we want to start eating oatmeal for some protein needs in the morning.

Then we’d like to start a cheese program … we found that low-fat cheeses you could eat 2-3 slices for about a total of 100 calories for 15 grams of carbs. That seems pretty reasonable. The deal would be then to ration off so that if we had 10 grams already for the Slimfast that we only have one piece of cheese. It’ might be advantageous to get the American slices individually wrapped. I think they were like 1/3 calories or 3 per 100 calories to make 15 carbs. That way we could keep them easier in the fridge with less chance of them drying out and most likely we could get them cheaper too though the taste won’t be as good as low-fat Colby.

Might be worth a try if it will help with protein and keeping us from the BK. I looked at other options like baby food and that one didn’t look nearly as promising. And, fruit is hard, because it takes some matching to get equally good quality. When Rich started bringing home those small tuckered out apples it was like yah right! Maybe we could supplement the cheese with some nice crunchy pickles. Shoot wouldn’t that drive our next door neighbor office partner crazy! Yeeks don’t want to go that route. Just trying to avoid not eating. Think pickles will be hard on surgery Where cheese will not.

Ok, so the list here is?

Vitamin B-12
Pickles
Slim-fast
American Cheese Slices
Oatmeal (Tub)

Oh, and Dr. Marvin wrote in the Intermission. He said that we could come in Friday morning at 8 am, so we are going to go with that. Nothin much Sister could do unless she wants to start adding up the individual hours. I should be in by 9:30 am.

I think we are going to be sharp in getting out of here in 15 minutes. We haven’t had a chance to call Rich yet, but we will. Not sure on the riding situation. I won’t offer Candice a ride. Yesterday she said with an air – that she preferred to walk, and then it rained on her. So we’ll let it go that way. Dr. Marvin says she has to be nice until she “deserved” a ride. I was thinking not having a car made her “deserve” to have a ride, but Dr. Marvin said it was the other. We did talk to her once today. She was putting up a new bulletin board display. She does that about once a month – maybe she’ll stretch it two. She’s young … She has a lot to learn. First you have to be open to that … If you go around thinking you know everything you are much less likely to pick up on what there is from life.

But, then that includes me too. I have to keep an open mind. That’s important. So you! Quit being judgmental of people! Be nice!

Let’s run through the plans … leave work. Call Rich. Go to the Store (all by yourself!) Get dinner (AT HOME!!!) You know Rich didn’t forget you! Then do something with the Message board? I think we wrote in it already – so we shouldn’t write in it again today. Maybe check it, but more than that let it go. Ok, we could then write Thom a letter after we eat, but then what? We can write cards, and at 8:30 pm we could go to a meeting, but then that’s probably when Rich is coming home. This is not working well with our schedule. Probably be home and finished eating about 6:30 pm. So got from there to 8 pm to worry about. What is it that we do again? Sometimes we read the paper, remember?

Ok, there’s not any news to be reporting or really reading that’s significant … more in the paper on the whatfores of Clinton’s daughter Chelsey for not giving up stories on her father with Monica Lewinsky, but sheese who can blame her on that.

It’s not her public business.

Hmm, I think our “I like to walk” friend has left. She didn’t turn off the light though or say good-bye or anything … she just disappeared. Maybe she just went to the washroom first … her bag is still on her chair. That’s more likely … let’s believe in niceness ok! She’ll say goodbye. There should be no reason that we can’t say goodbye first, but again I think it’s Dr. Marvin’s philosophy that we stop chasing her down trying to be nice … she has to make some gestural effort. Hmm, ok, here it is … she’s back at the office. Now. You don’t talk to me all day long.

Wouldn’t it be nice to say goodbye on your way out the door. Are we that strange to each other being in the same next door offices.

WooHOO!! She said it! Bet that was hard. Ok, ok … we’re not going to gloat. It was just nice that was all. Some sign of humility. Not on her exactly, but that we are human and she acknowledged us. I know that sister has come down on her, but that’s not our doing. After sister said to check out where her workload was we did it, but that was nothing personal. Shoot, why is it we always feel guilty about stuff other people did or did not do. We had gotten our work in. Up to her to do the same AND NOT tell the boss it was finished when it was only 2/3rds done. That’s not my business with the boss lady. Hmpf! Feel like I’m paying for it though.

Shoot, shoot .. where are we picking up these juvenile feelings. Can’t we all think towards the adult levels on this. I know I know. But, we don’t have to sit with these feelins. We’ve had them now lets let them go, k? We can think of things more worthwhile of our time.

Rich just called, now that’s more worthwhile. But, somebody like never heard of loose lips, sink ships. They told him about the after work sneakin of the hamburgers indirectly, but Rich is Rich … he was like nobody told me that. We told him we were trying to fix it. It wasn’t a very good connection though, which was frustrating and he was confusing our grocery connection. He said he would get us the groceries but he would have to figure it out later, and we were like what’s to be figured out … oh like when to get it later. I see. I’m sorry. Then we were like well we could get it … and then he said, well he could get it or we could get it and then we were thinking of not walking through a grocery store for 7-9 years and we let our sacredness overcome us again … and we didn’t say anything and we were more fine with waiting to let him do the shopping. But, we did try to get our list across. We were trying to convince him why cheese was so important for the protein, but he’s such a barrier some times. And, he was saying we have oatmeal, but he’s talking about some old miniature packages. I’m so afraid of wormy stuff and don’t like the quantity servings. I know open more packages. AND, weren’t we on a diet.

I know, I know just opens so many more loose canon doors we gotta deal with … we wanted it smooth.

Rich said that his game was canceled and that he’s coming home at 6:30. That’s 2 hours from now. He said we should go home now. We told him we’d leave in a few moments. We’re a half hour over now. I just used the washroom and checked up front … the mail was in sisters outside mail box. But, there was no mail from Thom.

That’s what we’re really dilly-dallying around for. Another tiny disappointment, but its more like what’s usual now … then you think maybe Maury heard something.

Maybe somethings been put out there. I know Thom’s busy. That’s what we’re supposed to do. But, now I’m not sure of my night at all. I think I will get home about 5:30 pm. Eat my dinner and then have an hour or so to myself. Maybe then I’ll write a letter to Thom. I would like to stay up tonight to go to a meeting its been a while. This way with Rich coming home early. I can watch and talk to him while he’s eating and spend like up to an hour and a half with him … Maybe get in a back rub for him. AND THEN write a couple of cards, AND THEN go to chat before hopping into bed. That make me feel good about the day to get in all that. It’s really, really a better deal with Rich coming home. I like that a lot. Plus, he likes to read while I’m doing the chat and we can do that a few feet from each other so there’s a little of that romance thing happening. Yup yup. Come to think of it … we’re feeling lighter already. Matter of fact … this is the best we felt all day!

Hmm, do ya figure?! Maybe we’re just down because Sweetie started a full week of being gone for baseball every night … never stopped to figure out the wear and tear of it on us with everything else. Silly goose. Get going now!
K?!

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/09/2008 04:34:00 PM Comments: 1