Ayn's Multiple World

Touch Down Chicago

Good morning. This is me. We’ve been up for like umm about 3 hours. We were like in the new chat room for awhile, and then we woke Sweetie up and then we went back to the chat room and it was going like blah, blah, blah … there was one good conversation and they don’t last very long.

There is a woman by the name of Theresa who’s the most psychology intellectual in the group I’ve seen so far. I think she’s on the wealthier side – has a made and stuff … she’s a clinical consultant. I don’t know what that means as to degree, but she’s pretty smart … she acknowledged us in the discussion today that was initiated by a woman named Crissey who was asking something to do with moods following the operation. I think Bob, Kathy Oh, and Kathy Wii maybe got into it … basically what was being said from our angle was that there were thoughts and emotions being covered by our poor eating habits. I went as far as to say the word “abusive,” but no one was willing to go there. I think it was Crissey who was bringing up the most new information to be digested, I pinned Theresa to be the one who said something like we rationalize our feelings [of the unknown] by thinking if our problems are physical – that we’re not always in control [or responsible]. So basically, she was talking about attribution theory. She added that we ate to hide our imperfection –

I tried to tie that to possibly guilt or shame, but she wasn’t going there. Then she said that it was about choices and expectations – we asked her if one of those expectations were that others would take care of you – from the outside?” She said, “Could be.” But, she effectively signed off on Chrissey and all by saying that things just take time. Later she went into conversation about wanting someone to gift her a 10K diamond tennis necklace and she “commanded” someone to make breakfast for her. I would still like to hold out more hope from her. I think she knows things

I was disappointed the conversation came to a close with that. I thought we could follow and push this thread. It’s not that I don’t mind all the sex, food, and other talk, it’s just that I’m more interested in these other ways of handling the weight issues. I think the other stuff is continual avoidance. I guess I can see some of it in who people trust and look after and such, but since I’m still very much an outsider to this group – that all doesn’t do me much, because I’m not included. Nobody thinks or worries if I come and go. Maybe there will be a small marker on me now for having this conversation after sitting out on so many other. I think I will have to and maybe I will enjoy eventually doing the other dance, but for now its just time consuming. *Blah*

I do want to say something … there was this one guy Bob who apparently was in the military. He brought up a little – but, one major statement. He had agreed that after a couple of surgeries including heart surgery that there is a normal depression following, which he said of this knowledge that it had been a “relieving revelation.” But, the point is that he asked, “you ever kill someone then have people tell you sorry it was a mistake.” He brought up a few concerns like “honor” being an ultimate something. I think later that he said something about killing the conversation. I think he is self conscious and feels responsible, but probably doesn’t have a lot of people to talk about that kind of stuff. We’ll look for him later. I was very proud of him. He said that he was sober for 26+ years. He said, “I didn’t even know I had a headache til I quit drinking and it went away.” I think he’s pretty strong. There was some joking later that his hand – meaning ejaculation was named Rosie and they had sex 2 minutes ago. *Sigh* ok, then back to that stuff. Krissey did state a concern that Bob’s identity could have been changed by killing someone. I think she was trying to help him. I liked Chrissey, and even Bob.

I think it might have been too much on Kathy Wii to partake in the conversation … she backed out, most likely due to her son – I think he’s at war and temporarily out of communication and that is worrying her. The other one contributing to the general conversation was Kathy Oh … I think she was supportive of some of my points, like the others, but admitted out loud to herself that she was not very patient with herself.

I think that was a good conversation … mostly … I was disappointed not to get a response from my statement, “I know I had a lot of abuse stuff, but I couldn’t understand why knowing that was happening – I couldn’t handle it.” Maybe a lot of people can’t handle it. Now looking at it … I would have to admit that I wasn’t in power – or didn’t have self-control over the things that were happening to me. That sort of goes with the other thoughts we were having on asking about the hope that someone on the outside was looking out for us, or covering our back. We know something must have happened to get us through it, but never had a sense that our mother was protective. She was gluttonous of good us, really being good her. Now I don’t always have a sense of self-control. Especially through the parts. Maybe there is a real deep sense of fear in being unable to control self and knowing somehow no one was covering me … there must have been a sense of danger we lived through – maybe like Bob in some way – shoot or be shot. I don’t know we’re past ourselves now so will back-up.

I think I am remembering something about being in chat groups about always being the serious one. I might have to work on that … right now only 3 people know about the multiplicity and there weren’t any questions asked. M’Anne, Judy and Christy from Alabama know. M’Anne and Judy I’ve seen since. Last time I saw M’Anne this morning she was backing out of the room to get some stuff done, but it appeared she’d just had a confidential conversation with Alan. She had stated something about being available if he needed more help. She’s just 4 weeks out of the surgery, so probably pretty sensitive to it all … I don’t know if she’s eating the “new” regular. I think Alan is married and he is a drinker. He is getting close to his surgery date and teased about burning calories through sex. I caught this morning; he wants to own his own wholesale business. He isn’t very far into the process, but has his own registered name in Oregon “Southern Oregon Trading,” and hes got a website domain and a tax number. Woo Hoo Alan!

Judy is coming up on 4 years of post op and has lost as a total 255 pounds. That’s pretty incredible. She’s from Michigan and likes to travel. I think she works out of her home a couple of hours a week. And last was Christy – I don’t know her very well, except to say her goal weight is 132 pounds. She is married with two boys.

One of her boys is sick. I haven’t seen Judy or Christy since the first meeting, but thing have a way of going along.

We’re keeping tabs a little on us too. We now know that rice hurts post surgery “like swallowing glass” and pasta has its limits. Ice cream causes dumping, grits are good, carbonation in pop is no so good, and that maybe after a while you could eat the top off a pizza and maybe have 1-2 bites of crust. There are new ‘slang’ terms to be picking up. It’s important when you get “to goal.” To get some “fill removed” I think might be something like emptying fat cells. “Moobs” seems to be a light hearted expression of “man boobs” and it is acceptable if they are fuzzy. Moo magic is some kind of protein something like tofu. An self-expression of kindness is “pampering your pouch” and “liquid crabby” might mean you are still suffering through a liquid diet. Pretty good, hmm? You don’t know how long you have to be paying attention before hearing stuff like that. Hmm?

Last there have been a few operation concerns – these were the first intitial concerns brought up by Chrissey. She was talking about a potential post op melt down. The conversation around that was that there could be a potential change in your hormones, or possibly you could be finding yourself defenseless due to missing coping mechanisms in eating. Someone said that you might fear losing your identity, but I’m thinking now that you could more fear gaining your old identity.

Interesting concept, hmm? We’ve been watching just some of the people that come in
and out of the room and so far we started looking at about 3 dozen people. I think I’ll want to take a note later on whose friendly with who … and who are regulars, people.

I think is some cases you have to be a regular or an outspoken person to keep up with all of it. I’ve volunteered something of my sexuality, just in a couple sentences about doing something with Sweetie, but I’ll continue just lightly letting people know I talk about it, but not in the constant huggying up that I’m seeing and remember from old chat rooms. Some hold the line with there sweeties that way and others are like rambunctiously trying to tackle the men’s attention. I think we are back to who is going to protect them … and the women AND men try to put their sexuality out there as a bond to keep relationships on an excited plateau. I’m not sure there … I have a lot more to learn. Especially, in watching how the relationship patterns develop – who is trying to bate who. Like last night I knew that Lori was trying to attach herself to Alan. Some of that might be a symptom of getting close to her surgery date and being scared and in need of protection.

Hmm, I like this new theory … probably could read it somewhere. But, that’s not my primary objective. I’m hear to learn about the surgery process in general and to know what I can expect. Hmm, to be honest though, I would like to fit into some group and meet people that I like. Just takes a while. Can’t expect it to happen overnight. This like everything else … suggests that you have to start from scratch in developing your own identity. It will take people a while in learning to trust me.

Hmm, naked man just crossed out of the bathroom. He’s going to be leaving in like 15 or so … hold on.

Hehehe … ok, back again … Rich just left a few moments ago and we checked the NFL schedule. The BEARS are going to play at 3:15 pm on Fox, so we turned it over to listen to those pre-game guys like Howie, Bradshaw and all. But, still we don’t hear as much as what they are saying, but just knowing that they are there. Before Rich mentioned I was responsible for keeping up to the BEARS, I had forgotten again that football was on. Don’t know what’s wrong with us … girls … we can do better than this!

We did a very good lunch with Rich. The talk was loose and there were times that I had to hold back tears, because I look into his eyes and I just melt he’s so beautiful. *Sigh* He talked about a couple of little things – oh and we watched him getting dressed to. He’s such a blessing to my eyes. We were talking a little about Thanksgiving stuff. Rich is supposed to get back about 4-5 pm. I’m supposed to be ready, because if his son downloads some recipes, then we’re going shopping with him WOOHOOO for ingredients. He’s got everything started to be planned. He showed me his diagram to list out all the dishes and the bowls they are going to be in. I through a curve ball at him yesterday, because I got out my recipe book from my mother at the wedding (a few family favorites) and I told him I wanted to make one thing. He grimaced as we went over all the desserts. So then I picked a rice dish and he just shuttered … because it was too much and not holiday enough. But, we said that WE had rice during holidays. So, then we went around it and we found our recipe for zucchini bread. He couldn’t tell us if we could still get zucchini, but he said at least it would be better than the rice. I don’t think he’d planned any breads for the dinner.

I think I could make the recipe the day or two before. I would like to make a double recipe if it turned out and then bring the extra loafs to the boys however that whole situation ends up. I don’t think we have it locked down where we are going with them or if we’re going to have them here, maybe next weekend. I think it would be really cool to put out a dinner with Rich before the event, but if memory serves me right they are done with Turkey by then, plus I would have to put Rich out. He has to go out on Sunday morning at like 6 am he says, because he wants to get the turkey just right over at his mothers. I know Chris will be there probably with his girl and maybe Jon, but I’m not sure how the Jillian is arranging her time. I’ve heard very surprisingly little about the kids over the last week or two. Rich tried to go to Chris’ match last night, but the direction wasn’t good, and Rich missed the fight.

I was really happy though, that Maury already had the match up on his site, so I could watch all three of Alex’ rounds. He won like 48 seconds into the third round by a technical knockout. He broke the nose of his opponent. The opponent had gone over to his corner, and the medical person called the match. Alex was a little excited jumping into the air and all. I think a lot of it is that the boys are concentrating on being more physically fit. I had stopped over to congratulate Alex at his site, and I found that he’d thanked first Joe fo introducing him to the opportunity and helping him with his training, and Maury for running with him for the last 3 months and cooking delicious healthy dinners – I think the Augsburgers he also thanked was thanked for giving him tools to finish the job, so maybe this is his karate club?

I’m so happy to know Alex as the boys close friend – or more so like a brother. I don’t understand in that he’s had his Thank you message and that more people didn’t stop by to congrats to him. I do know that others went to the match. I’m pretty sure that I heard my Ex a few times. I definitely heard Maury, but I couldn’t identify where Joe was, or if Thom had gone. I think that a lot of Alex’ family was planning to go cheer him on. I would have seriously considered it, but without Joe being there, I thought it was pushing the other boys, especially Maury as to where they were going and who they would be watching the match with. I’m very grateful Maury used our camera to take the pictures, and then to put them so quickly on line. Good kids! I don’t know … maybe they are just getting up soon? It’s just turned noon. I was also happy that Alex Thanked me for thanking him. He said he has more to do, but it was fun. He stated that he controlled the fight and that’s what he was aiming for. Good Alex. So, that was that. Maybe when Rich gets some time tonight, I can convince him to watch the video with me. I really thought Alex was good through out and it was very obvious, that he was the better trained in endurability. I think the kid is up to like 10 miles … and Maury is at 5 miles running. Not sure where Joe is.

Ok, ok … suppose I shouldn’t go much further into it, but I am very proud of Alex and the boys. He set himself a goal and he met his objectives. Good Alex.

*Sigh* in the background now is a game … we’ve got on Green Bay against the Carolina Panthers. Eh, definitely for the Green Bay team.

WooHoo!!! Maury just IMed me to make sure that I saw the video. He confirmed that it was the best fight. Hmm, think Maury is typing but its taking a long time …

Maybe his or my screen froze? Oh there he is wait. Maury says that Alex was the highest weight class and he asked to go later because he wanted to make sure the boys dad got there. Someone else might have had the last position – Main Event of the fight, but somebody got in a car accident. Maury said they had the biggest support for Alex and it was the most fun. He said that Joe wasn’t nearly as prepared and that he might know more overall, but Alex is quicker and has more aggression. I wouldn’t disagree.

Hmm, just stopped over at Joe’s site. He still hasn’t added too many friends … like 0 including his mom. He had answered things about himself and I read them and thought how little I know of the boys actual life. I mean I hear some stuff and know the big categories, but how wonderful they are or their minds work, or through the lives they set up … man that’s just awesome.

Hmm, we found something interesting … we are listening someone like we said concerning the ball game – we had gone to Greenbay’s site and discovered they have a “game center” which helps us to understand who’s going in which direction and about where they are. It also updates on the stats … that might help me understand better. Now I gotta figure out the delay … hold on … cool it gives the yards, the down, and green lengths showing the drive. Hmm, seems to be a 20 second delay … that’s not too bad. Yah 20 seconds. Ok, enough counting k? Yeeks Favre is sacked … they keep going back in the middle of the field. Hmm, challenge by John Fox whoever he is. Must be an ref. OK SHHHHHHHHH this is not interesting to be writing about … especially because its not overly involving in my life. Just a side thing … k?

Did I tell you about Rich making the house smell good like apple pies, because he made FOUR little custard size pies before he left. OH MAN does life get any better!

Hmm, just looked at something new to me on the OneNote program. I think you can add pages under different forms that are marked either academic, business, decorative, or planners. You can also create new templates. That might be important as we go on. I don’t have a form yet accept to add new stuff by date. Then later during the time, I think we went back and collected the information by category. I’m not sure if it’s important to maintain dates on everything. I probably could and should as ideal, but it takes extra time. So have to watch that. Hmm, going the other direction now. Wow that’s nice too. I can do a search and it highlights everywhere the search word is … like I put in Witch and it showed her in her own page, les’, Cat’s, Scott’s, and Kathy’s. That could be my secret in holding things together. I just don’t want to keep all the irrelevant stuff. Shoot, sorry I forgot, we were going to try coding somehow how those relationships were going, but they are going so fast and I’m comparatively in there so little.

Ok, we’re not going to panic here. It is really about my perception of things so we’re just like taking samples of what we learn. We should say something here that we are concerned with keeping information like this in this journal do to their rights of privacy. I would like to say that someday if I ever went public or my family ever went public, that they would have to do something about getting, or keeping all these people private. But, If I DID get to move on with this, It’s fair that these people get recognition if they agree. But, there still is the sense of the room being a private space. But, then where does it end and begin with its my personal space too and I can think thoughts concerning things I see and hear? I’m not sure, for now we can just say that our journal/blog is private, so its’ ok to do
this … anyone else? Check this out for me please.

Hmm, back to the football for a second. We were watching Green Bay advance, and they were really close to goal … so we watched and they made it score is now 14 – 3. We do get involved I guess. Hmm, shhhhh but, do you know they show the read zone? Good Green Bays turns again. Crowd said Ohhh. Man … you know if you don’t get off the football, we are not going to be able to write? Let’s choose not to be confused here, k? I know I smell fresh apple pie too. Let’s not be distracted.

Maybe somemore coffee or a fruit?

There! Coffee and a fresh apple. That NEEDS to be enough! Sorry few conflicts here. Rich says though that we might be able to eat some chips during the football game, but I think we should wait for the BEARS game, and then maybe wait until half time – checking to see if Rich is close to being home and sharing. Or, we just eat it because we get too hungry. We’ll see. Ok, good apple. I think that maybe we should figure out if we have anything to write about, or if we go back to the room.

Hmm, Don’t want to get into work talk, we purposely left EVERYthing back in the office. We were slightly bent because of the situation with Theresa. So, that was enough of that.

Ok, what’s next? Hmm, don’t have much life left over. Rich is gone … we’ve got 3-4 hours to be by ourselves, and we don’t have any hobbies beside computer and writing. I feel guilty by spending time frivolously – guess we should figure out some priorities. We have a big job in learning about the gastric bypass, but we’re involving ourselves with learning from the group in a psychological manner. In a sense, If I can’t keep track of the clients, then I can keep track of the room, but still with them, they probably wouldn’t be appreciative of it. Some maybe, but not all … I have to acknowledge that part of me, in that I would rather study people than really socialize. So what’s the point? Is it a safety that we’re after?

Where does that come from? We like to understand things. We know that about ourselves, and we know that about the boys. We’re smart people in general. So, it’s like what do we do with that?

If I’m guessing right, our boys go from relationship to relationship, but most of the people they know play one kind of game or another. I don’t think we play games, but in a sense we’ are in that we seem to be moving people around like chess pieces. I don’t think that’s what most of my “peers” in the room are doing. Why is it that we study people in trying to understand them. I would like to say we understand ourselves as in a mirror in relationship to them. I think the changing dynamics also gives us some latitude with the multiplicity, but I think in general, we hang back when groups get together. Maybe that’s something we could do. Whoops touchdown Green Bay 21-3.

Ok, shhh … how were we doing? As long as we’re using our mind … we’re doing good right? Just have to keep thinking how is it that we’re progressing. It’s kind of strange to think that just because we haver 3-4 hours, we are feeling delighted as hell to be in our living situation of smells, sights, sounds, and such and we’re here trying to capture our thoughts as they occur. I don’t want to go into our thoughts aren’t more important than any others, but maybe the fact that we are trying to make effort to connect with our inner self IS important. One small note, my fingers are a little sore and numb. Oh, that helps … I had been leaning on them too much instead of sitting up. That was correctable. Thanks!

It’s a kinda funny thing that I noticed in the room too, is that people seem able to focus a little bit on what is happening to them, but then they break away as if concentration is too difficult. That’s what happened at the end of the last paragraph. So, going back to the high point there … hmm, the part of trying to connect with our inner self, most likely selves. I don’t know who we are, unless we compare ourselves in relationship to others. I’m a little stuck now because we think, we think differently than most others. I think that everyone goes into the room for some kind of support, or through their thoughts they can support someone else. I feel already like a watchdog in the group, although I have not that position.

I worry, it seems when I’m in the room partly on myself and taking in information, and I worry about what others are gathering of an impression of me. The last time we backed out it was because we were feeling too much like we were holding back unless the conversation felt good to us. We were saying hi or bye to some of the people, which is like a maintenance task, we just wanted to make sure that others felt welcomed, or acknowledged. It’s funny … in listening to football, we like the part of the conversation from the broadcasters. Sometimes they pause and try to figure out things from one rule to another, and we’re presuming they have their own team feeding them information like stats an considerations. They are made to be better than they could have only on their own. And, it seems like it is the relationship between the two that is so inviting. It makes you feel as if you are in relationship with them. You can cut out all the other people listening and feel the announcers going into more or less depths according to their knowledge.

So in some sense, we seem to be in comparison right now know knowing knowledge compared to others. I think some are in a sexual role trying to compete for pairing up? I think the females compete with the females, men compete with men and sometimes they mix things up – most likely when there are lesbians in the room. I don’t know if I can make that statement out loud, but it seems that people who are girls liking other girls, they are not as likely to be playing femme games of girls chasing after boys. We also have to ask ourselves why does that part bother us so much? Why should it matter that we see these competitive games going on for the top dogs pairing. Hmm, bad thoughts are coming back to me in that its what I felt like in relationship to family members from old. There was a competitiveness of females to males, and it didn’t seem to matter what their relationship role was. So girls like me that were granddaughters, learned especially the male role as being head of household and the important one then wasn’t your sibling brothers, or father, but the relationship with the head dog … the grandfather. This is upsetting thoughts, though not completely strange. I’ve known for too long there was a sexual relationship to the grandfather. But, considering that had an extremely early start and a relatively early ending – we like to think by 8 years of age – with the exception that we were still in the pecking order until we were 17 years old. 17 was a big year, because it was the year my grandfather died, the year my mother left, and the year I graduated, in more than one instance. It was like … there was a whole new game.

I don’t know what to think in that the game wasn’t over in that we went with a week relationship for a couple of months, to a strong relationship in the distance between August and October freshman year – I had turned 18 over the summer. That’s about when we found Maury, or Maury at least found us. I don’t think I really want to go much further here, but there could be another mention in that we’d found Rich before the final divorce had occurred. The divorce officially ended approximately one year, or one month? Hmm, don’t remember. It was late February. And, we started as a hired employee in January. I’m pretty sure it was January 2003, but then again was it one month, or one year. Let me think. Houses. I don’t remember which month I left the Douglas house for the apartment with the boys on North Avenue. I don’t know how long I lived under my husband’s half of the house. But, I am thinking now that I’m pretty sure I left Builder’s Square in about 1 ½ years.

Then came the time period of being a court reporting student, and that’s what got us to River Grove. It was on the bus line to Triton college. I know I started in the apartment in 1990, so I must have gone to the North Avenue apartment mid-July through … hmm I think we came in when … was it the start of the school year or was it in the middle … pretty sure we started in the middle- which, was terrible for the boys. So we must have moved about January 1992. I would have been a student for about 6 months, which puts me in pace for going to JVS in the fall of 1992, then 1993, we turned the corner and there was Rich and Sean and JVS. Hmm, thinking now I must have done a year before the divorce, because I remember being a staff when I heard the divorce was final. I remember going into Dianne’s room – the office professional teacher and telling her. I think we were at that apartment one year – that means by January of 1994, we moved to the Thatcher house and we stayed there for 3 years until 1997.

I met Rich in January, 1993, and by that October 27th, we were in relationships private. Still the question … I really thought it was 94 that the divorce was final … February 24th. So, making a very short item extremely long … I knew Rich a year before the final divorce, and I knew him 5 months before the official divorce. I think that works, but it was a lot of hard thinking. One other thing that should be mentioned that held everything in perspective was that Dr. Woollcott was there from 1990 to 1997, AND the boys were seeing a therapist the year we were at the North Avenue apartment. I think we slowed down after getting the job official in 2003.

We couldn’t make all the appointments … we were taking public transportation into Chicago, at night, and the boys homework wasn’t getting done. But, that’s enough of that for now … We gotta clear our head.

Wow. How did all that happen? Where were we going? We haven’t done a backtrace in time for a long time, although Dr. Marvin says that its something that’s going to be important for us to be doing. That’s something we volunteered into the group this morning. Each 10 pounds, means a separate 10 pounds of psyche that has to be resettled. There was all those thoughts and feelings we were trying to stuff with food. I think it was about October 1998 that we had the bad sexual relationship to BJ … from that point we went from about 140 up to our point now – almost 200 pounds difference. What has been going on all those years, EVEN being with Dr. Marvin from July 1999 up. I think we were up to 180 when we met him so that means Dr. Marvin has seen us climb 150 pounds. That’s something that we really have to ask him about. I think often how nice it would be to see the entirety of his notes. I wonder about Dr. Woollcott’s too. It seems strange now, but I remember after the first year with Dr. Woollcott, we developed writing out our thoughts on his computer rather than talking out loud. That lasted for at least 2 years. Hmm, and here we are still writing.

I don’t know how to think that, but like many things I want to ignore that though and get something to eat. Having coffee helps a lot though I’m not sure what it means by the end of my day in tiredness. Especially, since there is some chance of hanky panky maybe by the end of the day. Rich says hmm. 2-3 more hours without him being home. Maybe another 30-60 minutes and we’ll go back in the room. By then the BEARS will be playing. I want to check my safeties now to make sure we are ok, before going into the room. I think that some people come to the room when they are not ok, or they come to the room to check if its still there between tasks. I also have to let go of my feelings of guilt that I should be doing something different with my time. Rich has let go mostly of the part of me writing grants. He says that he’s just paying $200 more toward everything. I don’t want to go into the money though. Better we think through some processes of thought. First though, coffee please!??

Pshwoo … that’s enough of that … a little dizzy. Well, except we went deeper into our living room and turned on lights like we would if Rich was here, compared to disappearing in darkness during the time he wasn’t here. Big change kid, hmm? Good girl.

Big deep breath. Ok, where are we going? Ok, maybe the thing we should concentrate on and is worthy of our valuable weekend time, especially alone and writing, is that we are trying to take better care of ourselves. Hmm, ran into Dr. M.’s and our sheet we’d done a while ago. Hold on.

Ahh here it was. When we found it we couldn’t understand what it was saying, but now we read the first part that had something to do with comparing our needs, our affording life, and our eating. I think these are the big ones. I think Dr. Marvin was saying that we were trying to avoid our needs like we were trying to avoid our bills and well-health (eating and exercising). Not knowing things seemed safer than knowing things. I think Dr. Marvin must have said something about starting with something that was easy for all the parts. Maybe writing is what’s easiest for us than any other thing. We need to be confident that in reality we are safe. The first thought there is that Rich is here with us now and that is what is giving us our feelings of safety. One of the common denomonaters over life for the last 14 years that we may be overlooking is that “My Rich” has been married for the last 14 years while I’ve been giving him the best of me – my heart. In relationship to my Grandfather – who also cheated in a sexual relationship to me, my aunt and most likely others … Hmm, that’s where we gotta stop. We don’t want to compare Rich with our Grandfather, we don’t even like it when Dr. Marvin seems in that role.

Thing is we were not safe totally in a relationship because his heart was more there, than here. Even now he impresses his role in taking care of his wife. Even if she is taking advantage of him. I was at her site earlier this morning and a friend had said something to her about meeting her on a 4 day trip. That’s just hard to deal with that she spends so much money. But, I don’t want to get involved in Rich’s relationship with her. I keep and have probably said all these last four years, that I’ve had Rich’s heart – and that doesn’t have to be tied with money. On the other hand, we just acknowledged our problems with money. Ok, let’s not go there either … we’ve taken a few steps, and now we know we need to reassure things with our landlord, the school, and the hospital. Man that would be a good deed wouldn’t it.

Best to just summarize that? We know where the number is to contact the school, the landlord and the hospital. Good idea to set that up tomorrow while offices are open during the weekday, because we’ll have access to a phone, but also Candice is up front. It’s hard to deal with private things when she is about. Ok, we don’t have to go any further than that. We just have to know that we’re progressing it. We’re still trying to keep away from Rich’s wealth. We know it’s half of what he had, so we know that he has to do the rest of his life with half his money … we shouldn’t be putting ourselves ahead of that. I still would like to get rid of the boxes in the back of the car. Maybe what that means is this week, we also commit to getting the tape from Group I’s room and we tape up the boxes and put on the return addresses.

We also should take a black magic marker to write down the address on the fourth box. Then as soon as possible, we have to make arrangements with Rich to drive the boxes to the post office. I would like to think we could do that ourselves, but we can’t. We can’t lift up the two big boxes. Maybe we could emphasis that today is the 18th, and if it took a month to clear, maybe that money $320 could be the money with give the boys for Christmas. Maybe even this year, Thom would take $100.

Maury and Lauren should be getting $200 and the granddaughters another $50 apiece.

But, then that might be the end of my Christmas giving this year. We should get a $100, or maybe $50 from Sister, and that could go toward the other. On the best note, it could be $100 + the $300, and in an ideal sweep, there would be $200 total from my grandmother and mother. I don’t know if I’m still in that much good graces. BUT we could be looking at an extra $600 that wouldn’t need to be going to the other – bills. That means that Lauren, the boys and girls would be cared for with and additional $100 for taking the family out for dinner. That would be the greatest, right?

Man that was an important thing to do. But, this year, no gifts for people at the center. AND, this is very important – if the washer and dryer is coming than we wouldn’t give Rich any gifts … that would be the only thing for both of us. BUT, there is some wavering here in that Rich is saying we are now fine with washing our own clothes and that he can do the stairs. That though doesn’t make me happy, because we’re back into the situation of not being able to take care of ourselves.

It is nice to have Rich doing all the work, but it produces guilt and personal weakness. I think there were 2 or 3 other things we’ve asked of Rich with money.

The one I’m remembering now is our commitment to getting in a gym with a swimming pool. That is going to cost money. Maybe what we should be doing here is that we should be considering before we give out more money is that we save up to $70 a month for gym over payments. I don’t know if that money isn’t already committed out. It would be a luxury item – but maybe we have to consider it a necessity.

We’re back to dealing directly with needs, money and our health.

It seems that Rich is trying to adjust to the thought of the weight loss method. He really needs to talk to someone – being the surgeon. She will know how to deal with his questions. But, in the meantime, we gotta be able to give Rich information siphoned from what we’re learning in the room. I think in terms of practicality – the gym is going to be something that might be more handy after the surgery. Let’s say it happens in 6 -8 months that would mean … be patient I know this has been figured before, but it would be anytime between March and May. Hmm, that means that 5-7 months, we could save gym money if we waited til after the surgery and after having added a month first to recovery. There is going to be that question too.

The surgery recovery period might be up to a couple of weeks. I have to make sure I have enough sick and vacation time to cover it. We should at least plan to save 10-12 days. Better check on that this week too. I haven’t been signing the sign in sheets again. I’m pretty sure I haven’t used that much of my time yet, but I need to know for sure, so the financial burden of not working during that time doesn’t fall on Rich.

Ok, ok … shhh … let’s let that be a Monday thing too. Ok, so first take care of money for school, UIC, landlord and school. Ok, and one more … car payment hasn’t been made yet. We gotta call that person TOO!!!! Ok, what happened I swallowed my fears about not taking care of ourselves – and we tell Rich that we don’t need to have a washer and dryer. That would save $8-900 he doesn’t have to pay for Christmas. He was also – with that money he was thinking of was going to save up enough for the prescriptions so I could save $200 there. I think we already went through that. Basically, I could be paying with the mail order $400 for 3 months, instead of the present $600 for 3 months. But, we have to take care of all that and have the money in the right place, and we would also like to find that extra $67
dollars of savings per month on what? Maybe we could call that OUR money toward the financing of the gym. Hmm?? That would be a good idea, right? We could motivate ourselves toward that end. Ok, pswhoo … we went through a lot of money issues and now that’s enough for now. Let’s just do a quick summary.

Especially, if Rich doesn’t have to pay for gym, or washer/dryer … what could we call our savings or his savings in not spending money on Christmas … where would that money go? Is there money, or maybe he doesn’t have that much and/or its committed to stuff to his family. I heard this week he is bringing his daughter home twice now over the holiday season. Maybe we have to think that he is not going to save up any money for him or us. What we’re discussing with him now is to spend more attention away from the cooking and onto other things like going to the zoo.

That’s for the holidays. The last item I think I’d concerned him over was a $200 program to script write. But, now I’m thinking of letting that go, because it would take more time from my writing as she is now and time away from the chat room and moving through changes necessary for surgery. Ok, that is now let go of too. We’ll tell him we don’t want it and we can mean it. Maybe what we could do if there was time left from vacation/sick time we could spend a couple days back in Saugatuck, NOOOOOOOOOO that’s the wrong idea. The idea is as a couple NOT to spend money, but to put that money aside for something that is really needed.

Hmm, I know what we could do. We could ask Rich to put the money he saves from not getting any gifts to us, but maybe Christmas flowers, that money could be put aside to get a boat. That’s something he’s really turning himself over for. He wants to fish on his own terms, but he’s worrying over the money aspects. I figure that if he gets the boat that sometimes he’s going to want to take me out to keep him company. That would be worth a Christmas present to make him THAT happy?! But, I’m not sure if he’s at will to spend that kind of money if he can collect it all in consideration of the divorce. I’ve heard his arguments for and against. Maybe he knows if its ok to get a boat before the divorce. He has been paying her all along, though I don’t know if it’s more or less than half his income. I do know that he’s now in a space of postponing the divorce for her. I will definitely buy a bottle of champaign and drink it the day it’s finalized, but I don’t feel a burning pressure to pressure him quicker toward the divorce as he wants to go. THOUGH I’d really like to see him divorced.

The biggest part is that he’s waiting out telling people we live together and acknowledging my kids until it is finalized … maybe that is something he’s dedicated himself to in respect of the boys. He’s going to make himself not married fully when he meets the boys and we can meet his kids. Maybe by next Christmas? That would be nice. Let’s see May to December … that’s about 70 pounds of loss or it puts us at about 240 – 100 pounds away from goal. I included the weight we have to lose before the operation. It be at least a good show of face. Theoretically, it would then be Christmas the next year when we’d made goal and held it. That is something to think that two Christmases from now we could be at a weight we respect. I think that’s what we’re giving Rich for Christmas too.

We have to think now what is next? We are starting to talk through Rich about him needing to lose weight too. There was one major accomplishment in that he stated for the first time that he might consider after his wife is figured out medically, to switch over to a PPO. I think the wife might be requesting better insurance.

And, Rich is considering it, because he has to pay her bills. What the big deal is is that if Rich got on a PPO, he would be able to check out some of his medical concerns and also start then physiologically losing his extra hazards. The thing is that we BOTH have to make commitments. I think he is going to be in a much different position with my change of weight. He’s going to be competitive, but not be able to catch me after I start the run. We need him to be encouraged and not discouraged. In fact though he’s talked about needing me to help him, though I’ve never thought I might be able to realistically help him. We’ve been fighting so many years of helplessness.

Ok, we’re going to stop doing that k? If not for ourselves, for Rich. We don’t want to put any more on him, and we would like to do more for him. He’s our huney bunny.

Umm, I just glanced one more time at that note … and I saw something on we have a big identity as someone being dead, or dying and that to move on we were going to need challenge day to day things that are frightening to us. If we were dead, we wouldn’t have to face anything. We need to do it slowly, so we are not overwhelmed. We should be able to turn off the flow by being mindful of our day to day decisions and by our planning. Dr. Marvin helped us to see that we are angry at other people – who should help (infant), but don’t. We take things out against ourselves by being self-destructive or killing ourselves through things like our eating habits. I think our anger affects our willingness to help ourselves or others. Somehow the identity of dying, or being dead echoes or resonances feelings inside us. We look at happiness as being death related. Being alone is affected by our sense of death. We left off on trying to figure out how to fix things.

Somehow we have to balance facts/truth against our safety needs. We need to find ways to accept being alive, or in living. We need to accept rather than to avoid things, which is part of being dead or dying, such as not paying bills or over eating. Not knowing reality only seems to be safer. It actually isn’t safer. It is safer to know things. It’s interesting we’d be in a relationship with someone who knows so many rules. Rules are factual.

Ok, there we’re up to good again and we’re thinking we need to turn off that faucet. We’re going to relax in the room and check out what comes up next. I think this post, is particularly good. Just have to read over the last paragraph once more. Wow that’s strong … much too big to handle. We might need Dr. Marvin’s attention here. Hmm, we’ll have to see when it is we’re seeing him. I think this relates to our work with self-determination. Ok, that’s good Wednesday at 3 pm.

Hmm, reminds me that Rich was going to help us remember by us writing on a board.

We’re supposed to write our appointments down so he can help us remember. Like the pills … we’re supposed to do something with them to help us remember them. Hmm, that’s an important thing that our surgeon said was that we had to remember to make our appointments. I’m glad that we talked to her about fixing the problem we’d gotten into with our knee and the cortisone. We should also put on that list that we have to call Dr. Allbright about having another visit in a couple of weeks. Boy a lotta stuff to remember. Where did we put our memory list? UIC, School, landlord, car, and now dr. appointment

REMEMBER … good this is our marker

Hmm, I think we have to sign up for a heart endurance test. I should see if we can walk a little bit more before doing that. Maybe I should ask the surgeons person about that … I think just before 6 months is up, but I want to give enough time to repeat if necessary just as a back up. Boy it sure is hard remembering to be me. I wonder if you could get some kind of memory board at Walgreen’s. Oh oh … it’s already 4 pm. AND, Rich is going to be home within the hour and we haven’t taken our shower. I better remember to do that now. Cuz maybe after we eat we are going shopping IF Rich has his recipes. Maybe that will have to wait and we’ll get into the eating, watching movie, and SEX! Hehehe. Oh man is it nice to be me now.

WOOHOO. But, what about our need to go in the room? Maybe for a few moments after the shower, ok? More important for us as a writer or set of writers, to do that.

It’s not easy to be a multiple, but being a multiple isn’t such a bad thing either.

Hmm, reminds me … we sent an email out this week to another instructor at a higher ranked facility. It stated:

“Anand,

Just a short note. I tried to sort through my thoughts as I was talking to you and I had the disadvantage of being in hearing shot of one of my peers. I run into awkward thoughts as to mental illness, because I have several mental illness', but I work very hard at not looking at it as an illness, but more a difference in some emotional and thought processes.

I want the staff to understand the potential disadvantages the individuals served might be feeling or thinking, but I would rather have them thinking toward the more positive proactive concepts that seemed to be suggested in the introduction to recovery - I personally feel that it is essential to be working toward choice and decision-making. I see a lot of people with my conditions harboring on the illness part, being on disability, unemployed, intimidated my medicine and psychiatric assistance and feeling helpless. Although I've been there ... I've worked hard, and I've worked hard with the staff to work more toward abilities than disabilities. I don't want to hear from them, "Oh he has schizophrenia, they are 'like that'," and then be put-off to be working with him. I find staff intimidated and more likely to treat those with the mental illnesses at arms length - talking to them less

I saw the intro to recovery as a more viable program because it seemed to discuss wellness. I'm still in a position as staff trainer to see they get them what they need to know about actual "conditions" that people with mental illness face, but I don't want them stuck there. Possibly if I could talk a few moments to the recovery facilitator, I might find that we are on the same track already. It might help to have more information on the "recovery concept."

I apologize for any confusion I may have caused in trying to piece this together out loud. I'm just trying to bridge needs between where they are and where they could be with thoughts on mental illness. In pressing Sr. Theresa for the extra cost and time, I want to know I'm advocating for a program that fits cross the board.

My best,
Ann

I wonder if that’s as sane as I tried it to be. He wrote back and asked if he could forward it on to the person that would do training for the center. I suppose it was wrong for me to put myself so much into it, but Sr. is very tight in her budget at this time, and I know these people are going to be expensive. YEEKS, but that would be work instead of shower. Rich AND Dr. Marvin I think want us to be making healthier decisions. I could see the advantage AND difficulty for us to go out, but I think it’s going to be a very good experience, and even if we don’t go out, we get another turn with RICH!!!!!

Ok - showering.

Hmm, is writing real, or not. It’s something in my head. Is my head stuff more real if its written down on paper? Just wondering.

Hmm, we’re back again and we’re FRESH! Rich called right before the shower and said he’d be here about 5 pm, but we just talked to him again and he’s stuck in front of a toll booth. Well actually lots of cars are, but basically, he said the first time he’d be home about 5 pm. He’s already ordered Chinese. He asked during the first call if that would be ok, but we thought while we were showering that we could just have him get half the order, and then we’d save money and diet problems. But, I didn’t get him fast enough … he did say that he halfed his dinner, and he thought I could half my dinner and have one tomorrow. It’s almost very good and I love the thought of eating leftovers, but it’s two big dinners, plus one on Thanksgiving.

But, it’s not REAL bad … just a little bad. We both have a long ways to go as to how to lose pounds. Better use up this last ½ hour in the room. We don’t want to disappoint all the parts, or start missing Rich too early. He’s coming home probably hot and tired, because he reffed THREE Games. Pshwoo. Going to need some good touching 

OOH touch down Chicago!

posted by Ann Marie @ 11/19/2007 04:48:00 AM Comments: 0