Ayn's Multiple World

I think we keep getting foggier and foggier

Good morning. This is just me. I’ve been waken by a couple of naughty kitties so am a little grumpy. But, they kinda got the message when I didn’t feed them for ten extra minutes. It was like a kitty time-out. We had to reestablish whose the boss around here. Fortunately, I’m glad they’re in charge, because I’d forgotten and it turned out their water dish needed to be refilled. Smart kitties. BUT, a little too aggressive! If the beasts want the two-legged up, then that’s the way its going to be … *sigh*

Theoretically, now that I’ve fulfilled their needs, I could go back to bed. Hey it’s only 3:30 am. But, as you know, we rather like being up in the morning and the fact that it’s Saturday, makes the whole thing gold. Just gotta get over the crankies and then we’ll be all good … Hmm, coffee is probably ready, right?

Mmm … while we were up we came across a lonely orange who thought he’d like to jump in our tummy. Slllllllurp!

Ahh all the beasts and tummies are all good. I might not have made much a name for myself, but I certainly seem to be getting the job done. Hmm, know someone’s pet is looking for emotional reassurance. I umm, probably deserve these meows. Stubborn )(%&Q#)(&.

I think we’re going to call a draw … I moved my cup of coffee over so she’d have room to lay down. I think she’s unsure though, because she seems to be looking for him to take the golden spot. We’ll get everyone settled … Just have to wait it out. You’ll see.

We’re doing the best we can here folks. Remember that its early. Hehehe

Ok, ok … stop stallin. On with the day. We had a not so good day with one of the staff yesterday. She vowed never to talk to me again and she called me snakey before she stormed out of my office. There’s some problems with this procedure. I had talked to Sr. Tess about 3 employees not feeling they were getting enough money and that the employees were comparing wages with each other. It was something said as we were just talking over the normal issues of the day, it wasn’t something I’d gone in there to say. But, then Sister decided to call the main employee on it right away and the employee then left her office and came barreling down to my office like she were in charge. I didn’t like that she felt within her right to go “ballistic” like she runs her home, but I wasn’t emotionally drawn into it more than to acknowledge yes I had said something and we could talk about it, but I would not be yelled at. I told her she’d have to calm down before we could talk. I by no means had the last word, but I felt I had the definitive.

I gave it a little time until things calmed down and then I let the Sister know that she’d been in my office and what she’d said. Sister kind of smirked. She said that if we had to lose her that be ok, and that it would be worse if we lost the intern. She said not to bother with the other, so we didn’t. Stayed cleared of that whole mess, although I kept thinking of it throughout the day in between other things. I’m fairly sure that its something the entire staff knows about. The disgruntled DSP is the biggest gossip and would have made everyone knows. I myself told our friend. He took the stance of sister in that it was something I had a right to tell her, especially since I’m a member of the Administration team. Then he said to let it go. He said being in management doesn’t always mean you are liked. I don’t know … I know I don’t need the approval of the DSP and I am in the position of her supervisor, though it would appear after this last burst that as close as we’ve been and as much as I’ve tried to listen to her problems and help her. That it only took a weak flicker and she blew up like a paper building. She was ready to wipe our entire relationship away in that promise to never talk again. I know the situation, in that, if she stays, she will make amends because she is too needy not to. But, it still sucks because I thought the relationship better. And, apparently its not. I didn’t go in thinking I was gunning for anyone. I had a discussion with my boss because I am a staff trainer and it appears the staff is disgruntled with their salaries. At the time, my boss stated what she could and couldn’t do. She said that she’d given out what was there. After I’d walked back to the office before the DSP upset. I had stopped shortly at the Intern’s desk and stated that I didn’t think that there was going to be any more money on the table. She had continued working and there was no discussion. It is she that is going to need making a decision. It is the problem of all agencies like ours that you could spend a year training an employee and then her turning around to market these skills at a higher rate. If she goes, I am going to grieve, but it would mean she had not been meant to stay. The other … isn’t doing well enough a job to consider the sacrifice as good. She spends quality time with her clients only when it is convenient and she’s not emotionally involved in something else. She spreads a lot of gossip and dissatisfaction, and although she fulfils many duties such as DSP, housekeeping and job coach, she’s not A-rated in any. It’s hard to tell what she is going to do. If she decides to walk then that will be her decision and we’ll say good-bye. If she decides to stay the relationship is going to need being worked out differently.

I had not discouraged her at first talking to me of her problems. But, then I had discovered all along she’d been going to each of the staff during time to be working to discuss also with all of them her problems. At first I had thought of myself in more of a counselor type role. It was like if you need to talk you can talk with me. As it became more and more impressed that not only could she care less how I responded to her as long as I would listen and empathize I would be not better or worse than any of the other ducks lined up in a row. In that case I felt more used. I told her that and I told her that I didn’t like it when I would try to say something about myself that she would discontinue the conversation, or totally disregard. Sort of like, “Yah, but this is my problem” and she’d go on in talking of what was on her mind.

I should probably stop talking as if she’s past tense. But, there is something that’s very much changed in the relationship. It bothers me that she’s attacked. I know she thinks that I attacked her, but this is the flightyness of the staff to think that any criticism is to be unfaithful to them as if it were me that served their equilibrium and I had better not mar the surface. I don’t like the feeling of being used in a marginal position. I’m no stupe. Sr. has done a lot to set up this kind of relationship. Everyone has equal access to the boss, anyone can complain and does … with our disgruntled employee at the top of the list. Sr. will use this opportunity to see what kind of “dirt” the DSP has on me. I’ve been told by the sister that the DSP has already handed in her first sets of complaints against me. I know the situation enough to know that my position is as vulnerable as any other. Especially, since I’ve done so much to train the intern. At least in the one thing she’s been trained in. She would just be given a little more money that could be given if I weren’t there with my higher salary, and she would be given as I was the luxury of the back office. I don’t think the office would be given to the other Q, although it would be presented. She has higher authority, but is deeply entrenched in the front offices where she can over control the secretary and group and maintain Sr’s ear. The intern might give more commitment knowing she’d gained so much in the office. The difference between my office and the others is night and day. In the interns office next to mine there are two desks like mine both face the wall and one bulletin board each. There are files in back of the desks and a coat tree and that’s about it. My office is the same size as the other office, but beside the desk has the credenza wall unit and now shelves outlining the one wall and a wall to wall and ceiling set of windows. There are no windows in the other office.

Maybe I shouldn’t put this much thought into staying per gain of an office. But, it is really a very nice office in this field and in most ways, beside size and location is nicer than even sisters. While sister has given me very good furniture, she’s all along maintained her old desk, which is no where toward executive material. A lot of days go by where I’m mad and some even to the point I’ve wanted to leave, but in the end how exactly you do each and every day becomes the reasons you stay and stick it out. I like the sense of getting through the long halls in the morning to reach my desk. I like the sound as my keys fall from my hands or the view after having reached out for the desk light or turned up the shades of the window. It’s like after years use you come to accommodate the needs presented and the resource ability of the space. Yesterday, there was a staffing and it was in our office. Both the lunch room and the activity room were being used. I kind of like the situation, because it is that much more cozy. I do not have a large space, it is only like 11x9, but it is nice. It is my space.

I do have to say one more thing that I took in stride yesterday and this morning. It was concerning Sr. Tess’ confidence in making that decision that it would be ok to loose an employee and that employee wasn’t me. Earlier she’d complemented me on getting something in that was important, and something tangible she could see. I could appreciate that statement for as far as it could go. There have always been those nagging doubts as to how expendable you could be in teaching someone else your job. I know there has been times when Sister has been ready to let me go. This time it was one of the staff. There was something rewarding and very “old time” to know that while the DSPs continue to come and go … the position of the two Q’s has been very steady. Between us now we’ve put in 15 years with the center. That is a lot of time gone by. This particular DSP has put in 2 years. I know she thinks she runs the show, but to deny Sr. that credit and placing herself over me isn’t the way to go. The time she spent yelling in my door frame was actually very brief, but I remember trying to say, “In my position …” And, the DSP took that in ran, saying, “In your position, what position?” That told me how disrespectfully she held me in esteem. It hurt and I’m pretty sure she had intended. I could still look at her and think this is a DSP going over another edge. The week before she had stood in my office screaming she was going to divorce her husband, demand money for the house they’d just bought and insistive that the mother-in-law who had invested her life savings in the house be removed.

It’s from up on these kind of grounds and antics that she’s straddling. I don’t know why she feels the need for the upper hand with both her husband and MIL. I’ve been trying to encourage boundaries between her and her family, but I sense my own distrust as she so clearly states she wants the MIL out for a reason as simple as opening her mail. To me it was like, so what?! I wouldn’t like it, I would act to stoop it, but its not something to throw away a whole marriage on. I know it was done in insecurity as was this last outburst, but if I don’t show her boundaries then she will not understand what we are trying to say. There are just some lines you cannot cross. I still feel like I am the trainer. I’ve long since trusted her with personal information and I haven’t trusted her with our friends information. What she did should out were her trump cards yesterday. She said lightly the name Rich that made me think tentatively she thinks she has something she doesn’t and she blurted out information about cuts that I’d made in my arm 12-13 years ago. But, that information has been long since declassified. I’ve worked hard to protect myself. I always give people some ammunition, but never enough to take me out.

Even if Sister knew more of our relationship with our friend it would mean just that. We’d either be scolded or let go. It wouldn’t be life threatening. No one could take me out, but pretty much ourselves. It’s funny. In our conversation with sister yesterday we told her our take. I said that if this person wanted to buy a house, then she would have to figure for herself if she’d need a change of income. I told Sr. and I believe it … it’s not that the money isn’t enough … because no matter which job you went to the money wouldn’t seem enough. When my son made his 2.85 million, he hadn’t thought it be enough. What I told her was that it was really more about the management of money. The DSP has told us about how much money she has squandered, especially on Christmas presents for family last year. I think she was trying to impress people, although it went on cards. She says she has $13,000 of debt enough so she’s about to step into further debt with a private loan. The only thing I told sister is that it isn’t the amount of money, it is the way it is being managed. And, then I used myself as an example … I said that sometimes I run out of money, because I spend too much. I told her my friend had stepped in and was trying to teach me … basically, to not spend. Sr. had had an idea that I was overspending by the number of packages that come through the center. If not our disgruntled DSP. I took her scolding as I should have.

Hmmm … Chief is sitting here now trying to tell me that I AM the disgruntled employee, HMPF!

Hehehe … ok ok sorry for going on so long … just trying to figure out our position. I keep hearing the DSP say position, what position? That so blatantly showed so little disrespect. I feel very insulted. To say someone has no position would be to say someone is of little worth. I’m certainly going to need looking at that … but now we’ve tired our selves out again … Maybe just a brief nap. Shouldn’t have eaten the orange AND cereal. Shoot.

Ahhh … that’s better … we’re up! It’s 6:30 am now and we’re feeling much better rested. We’ve got one more movie to watch too. Not sure if I want to do that or not. It’s kind of my lazy thing. We’re going to have to call the building this morning, because the water in the bathroom sink isn’t going down now. It did that once yesterday so I though hmm, plunge worked on the other … so I did it and tons of black chip-like stuff came up … that didn’t look good at all … I forgot to tell Sweetie Pie last night. But, we’re pretty sure he would tell us to call the building people. The toilet had backed up that once and the water in the tub is going down hard too. Good time to call. Have to figure out where there number is. Think we just got back a lease have to look at that.

Hmm a serious thing … happening … wait it out … let it go.

I think we have to think of something lighter for a moment, but I’m unsure what is next. I think I’m pretty sure I’m not the kind of person people relate to for long, because sooner or later, I will say something that offends someone, or perhaps complain too much. I don’t know what eventually turns people off. Maybe just the way I isolate myself and hide from people. I think for the most part I am a very simple person, going from one need to another, pretty much self-centered on myself. Most people like my sons aren’t comfortable when I write my thoughts of those relationships, because they feel for more privacy. They ask not to be written about, so the conversations become more focused on self, which may be part of the problem. But, when everyone has gone their own way, I am left with me. And, so it is me that we’ll write about. And, that’s ok. Because I still like me and hope that by the end of the book, to find out I’m ok.

I have that thing going on … you know the one where whichever way I turn, I figure that I’m in the right the majority of the time. I think its best then, because if you ask someone else, you’ve always done something wrong, because they are looking at life from their perspective not yours. Sister has done this a lot over the years. She calls it having common sense. I find there’s not too much too common sense. But, people do the best they can.

It’s about 7:30 am. I am thinking I should probably take my medicine pretty soon. Hate to disturb the Chief. Feeling kind of hungry too. Ahh … cauliflower … breakfast food of champions! Really gotta take the medicine, hmm??? I know, I know … damn. BRB

Ok, done deal … 7:48 … good girl.ok

What’s next up on the docket. After we finish the cauliflower too, hmm? Seems we should go do the gym thing this morning. We’ve slacked off that all week. Need to get back into the good routines where we were doing stuff. Hmm, what about the Flylady too? We could listen to another session? We’ll see how that goes might be a little too intrusive. For the record I don’t think Flylady is the smartest person … a lot of what she is is someone who is saying the same thing over and over again. Hmm, the last clutter was review … now we’re going to check another caller …

Hmm, we got into a transfat conversation. I looked at my salad dressing and sure enough it says *trivial source of fat and cholesterol. I think trivial to who? We’re learning fat and cholesterol is bad and bad is bad and that’s that! It’ll take some time to start researching the dressings though, because I find I really need them for vegetable dipping. It gives us the ultimate balance in our mouth.

Hmm, kind of have absorbed myself into the Flylady show … they have the people in charge of the menu’s and such on. Now they’re talking about shoes … cuz Flylady says to put on shoes all the time. Hmm, 8:30 am … where’s our shoes? We have the blanket on today because our feet we’re a little cold. Maybe because we don’t have on our shoes. We need to think about getting to the gym and all that that takes. We’re good on gas cuz we stopped by yesterday. And, we got our check to the bank last night. Hmm, she is saying not to put knives in the dishwasher … another thing I gotta know. We’re working on it. Ok, how do we get into the groove of stuff. It’s not a bad idea listening to the Flylady archives, but we are finding ourselves doing a lot more listening than writing. Is that ok? Oh dear … we’ve got 50 more 2 hour shows to listen to. That’s going to take some time, but I think it’s a good idea. I think they call it flywashing … you need to get this stuff ingrained into our mind.

Ok, starting to do what’s got to be done. Let’s take a moment and look for that apartment number. We’ve got to get the plumber in. Hmm, got the number, but no one seems to be pickin up. I know they got a new number, but I hope they still have the service that answers for there non-office hours. But, for the sake of argument we’ll try calling again at 9 am and and/or 10 am. We’re pretty sure the situation is getting worse than better. We’re going to get this done. Our experience in the past is that if we can get past just calling … they are very good at getting out here. Just be patient, right?

Hmm, the show is talking about lace-up shoes. We’ve not done that … Maybe we should get dressed? I’d rather take a shower today after the gym. I know we have to start inserting gym thoughts into the morning. We’re just going to do it, right? BRB

Ok, doing good … a real rough lady got on the air … who was crying about how bad things were … I think that happens with her flybabies all the time. People start off at a point where they are overwhelmed and they’re feeling pressed on. Since we got dressed and did our hair and shoes … we went in and did a 5 minute drill. Just meant clearing off the computer table and counters and cleaning up that drip from the coffee that happened in our sink AHA! That’s not Flyladylike! I don’t think that last caller was Flywashed. I think some people want to get stuck in their problems. We’re trying not to be one of those people!

I think at some point in my life, I’m going to look at all the Flylady stuff as silly, but shoot each time we’ve gotten into her over the years, we’ve stayed so much more attuned to what really needs to be getting done. Hmm … seems like we got a kitty clause going on. *Silly grin* got my kittie wrist watch. I’ve fallen for this show hook, line, and sinker.

Now we’re listening to her talk about heirloom clutter. I guess I’m pass those years. It was kinda funny … people talking about getting rid of stuff the in-laws pass down. Last lady then brought up the point that routines have to be changed up to fit the person and even disability. I can appreciate that … In that I knew when I couldn’t do the 15 minutes, I could do the 7 or 8. WooHoo … I did the swish and swipe during the last intermission too. That was a good idea.

Ok, we’re done with our Flylady show for the day and am back to getting flopped in the head with Missy’s tail as she makes herself comfortable. I have enjoyed my morning, but the writing has been pretty distracted. It’s already 10 am. We’re pretty good off emotionally though. Feel a bit inspired by the Flylady saga. I think I’m going to go back though for a little while in our OneNote Journal and see if we can build up our routines a little better. Right now the one that makes the most sense is the 5 minute room rescues. Might have to work our way up to one of the decluttering boogies. Our friend surprised us yesterday with not only coming over after his second game, but he had come over earlier and put new dinners in the freezer (home made) and helped me with the vacuuming. I didn’t expect either of those and was pretty happy with both. He did say the kitties weren’t real pleased, but they don’t get to vote on everything!

Let’s take a look and see which step I’d gotten up to. Hmm, looking at my routines. I don’t think I have enough quarters at this point and I’m too close to supposed to go to gym time to do any wash. Reasonably speaking I think I only have one load. As to checking my calendar for activities. I would definitely like to get some work work done today. We should look at the last movie toward the end of the day and we should work on Flylady throughout. Like to keep a real good work attitude. My dishwasher is good for now sink, blanket, shower, food all good, but we’re slipping up on the water … Let’s put away the coffee cup and get out a bottle instead. C’mon girls and soft kitty, we can do this. Hmm, still feel a little chilly … think we’ll wear the blanket a little more on our lap. Water’s good. Hmm, paper patrol hot spots … 15 min. I spent about 3 minutes going through mail … have some bill like stuff lined up, but we’re not able to get to them yet, because the money was just deposited. I think there is a few things though that we can take care of. Like rent contract into an envelope … brb.

Woo HOO … we done good, sorta. We went over our 15 minutes, but we made arrangements to pay all the bills. We still have a little trouble with the plumbing, because we accidentally closed the envelope with the new building telephone number that wasn’t working anyway. Hmm…

Ok, we got that … Someone name Pat answered and he isn’t as efficient as Mike. He said next week and that scared us, then I realized he was saying Mon, Tues or Wed he’d try to make it before Thanksgiving and that sounded better then next week after Thanksgiving, because yes certainly I’m going to have holiday guests that might want to wash there hands after using the bathroom. Grrrr… I didn’t feel too happy that because the fixit guy is painting that they wouldn’t have a plumber coming out to take care of the pipes. He said that it sounded like they were going to need being routed and something about the main pipe or the guy downstairs, but I didn’t care about all that … just cared about my sink and tub as soon as possible, regardless what’s been reported elsewhere.

Sheesh…

Shoot. It’s like 11:05 now and we have to be considering seriously the gym. I’m kind of scared to go now cuz I am thinking I’m not going to be able to do what I remember I was supposed to do. Feel scared of the whole thing. Feel like I’m not going to be able to do it. But, I know that’s just my negativity talking. I just have to go and do what I can do … and get back into the routine of doing as were supposed to do. Hmm. We can do this right? Ok, how am I going to take down the fear level. I think we’re ok on the food, because we ate that cauliflower late. Maybe it would help if I got back to taking a reading too. Hold on … let’s see if the tester is upstairs. Hmm. Hope it wasn’t squished … found it on the bottom of my bag.

Hmm. 82 that’s kind of low going to the gym. Why don’t we try some peanuts … haven’t done those for a while. And, we’re supposed to have a grapefruit too, remember? It’s already 11:15. Not ready for the grapefruit, just peanuts please. Yup, yup … ok..

Ok, checking schedule this week … we’ve got dentist at 8 am Monday and Dr. M. at 7:30 am on Tuesday, and then we have two days off for Thanksgiving, the boys on Sunday … no dental appointment on the 27th, but we have OIG on Tuesday the 28th in Elgin. We have to check the schedule though, because the dentist for the 1rst was changed to allow in First aid. Better check for next weeks schedule. Ok, good … got that all straightened out. Focus … this week just … dental at 8 am Mon and Dr. M. 7:30 Tuesday, and then holiday, right??? Better make sure we’re clear on all that … Need to prepare a long weekened of CARF for getting into work late on Tuesday … let’s see appointment over at 8:30 to work 9:00 – 9:30 am … that’s not bad, but still a staff not talking to us. Then Wednesday last day and no groups next week, Woo HOOO. Ok, we can do this, right? We can do this??

Ahh … that was good. Little water … all is good. Hmm. Flylady … she’ll help get me in order, right? How many people can sit at my table. Son #1, #2, #3, Mi that’s 4, plus Granddaughter #1 high chair, and #2 hmm … 10 month old sit at the table?? Not sure how that works. Maybe though he’ll bring up the car seat and that’s like a seat. Think at 5 months they eat rice, so 10 months? Hmm let’s call our son  Hmm. He’s not picking up his phone right now … maybe our other son. Hmm? Ok, it’s all arranged I am picking up my middle son at 11:30 next Sunday. That will put us back home at noon. Means I leave here at 11 am. It says half hour. I am going to the gym as soon as I can now … we’ll drive to our son’s afterward … not to meet up with him, but to assure we can get there ok. It seems pretty straight forward. We’ll have the written directions and we’ll hook up our PDA. We know we can do it just want a dry run. We’re not going to get strange now … right? Maybe we better eat lunch first. It’s now 12:30 pm. Yayyy!!!

Mmmm this lunch is very good … we did a great salad and now we’re doing the dinner portion. Very, very good.

Ok, ok … better get back to the Flylady … we’re off-course again. Aha … I see the aerial of where my son lives. This is as close as I been for so long. We’re not going to act strange, we’re not going to act strange … shoot probably should turn of the search feature.

We’re having a really weird spacey thing going on here. I’m thinking that I’m the mother and wondering why we’re feeling so unintended … we know just you know. Now we’re feeling the familiar drowsey and the first strong indication that we’re not really going to make it out that door. This would then be our stranger behaviors. Is this what we want for ourselves? We got dressed, the house is in good shape. C’mon now let’s not get strange again, k? Well, ok … maybe a little nap. We can try the gym again tomorrow. Earlier in the day when we’re not chasing shadows, or our fears. Were being a little strange thinking of having our son around. We will wish that it happens more often, but I don’t know how he’ll respond to us. Most likely it will be through displeasure of our size.

Ok, girls lets put her down. Nap time, K?

posted by Ann Marie @ 11/18/2006 01:32:00 PM Comments: 1