Dr. M. and Us
Good morning,
I know about the last thing you are going to want to see after that last long post is another picture and post from me. Shoot, just caught V’s sense of humor … I told him, I’d be right over here ----------- And, without me noticing, he edited to look like -------{MW}------ That’s the code symbol for do your school work and post it at Masters’ Work Blog. He’s not even subtle!? I’m pretty sure he knows that we are already cheating. But, at this point he still has a good sense of humor.
Ok, ok … we’re not going to take advantage of this, we ARE going to do school work this morning, but I need SOME time, Not ALL the time, but SOME time to think! In about 15 minutes, we’re going to take our medicine and that should help, though we strayed pretty far from the beaten path yesterday. It was all good stuff that needed though to happen. Something about going away that suggests you should be caught up. I had a frightening thought yesterday, in that I figured out the end of the semester is going to come up at the same time as the trip. This REALLY suggests work has to be done.
Your Morning Routine is your BabyStep to Peace!
Sunday April 30, 2006
8:00 am - 8:15 am
This event repeats every week.
Notes:
We are going to build a Morning Routine for your Control Journal or to just post on the refrigerator. Here is what I do.
1. Get up and weigh
2. Shower and get dressed to lace up shoes, fix your hair and face
3. While you are in the bathroom Swish and Swipe
4. Grab a load of laundry and start the washer
5. Check your calendar for today's activities
6. Empty dishwasher to start your day
7. Eat something good for you and take your medicine and vitamins
8. Drink your water.
Today is Sunday: Find some time to renew your Spirit!
Hmm, ok … weighed, showered late yesterday, dressed, shoes, hair, face, swished, laundry at cleaners, activities – SCHOOL, pick-up clothes, filled dishwasher, ate cantaloupe, took medicine, and drank water. I’m doing it Flylady, I’m doing it!
Renew Spirit … Oh please School Gods let the day etch a good memory as we bravely face lessons on memory through our course work. Be not afraid, but happy that this day has been given to us. God Bless Bloggers, Kitties, and especially V. may he always have good patience. Amen.
Hmm, better skip over anything about yesterday. Let’s consider all that a done deal and that we’re on the right path to financial relevancy. We’re going to watch the FlyLady today, so we’re back on course with the household. Remember during one of her 5 minute pick-ups to put away a few scraggly items and clear a space in the front hall closet. Hmm, means … move the Christmas tree and vacuum. When we get the clothes up we’re going to use it since the bedroom closet is so inaccessible due to the tread mill.
Hmm, tread mill. Let’s give that a try.
Good, good … we’re going to be ok with ten minutes at a time. We’ll try again about 1 pm and 7 pm. Little goals … little goals. That sure did warm us up though. We left on background music in the bedroom, maybe that will help us adjust to moving through the day. We’ll see.
Ok, the only other thing that we would like to advance that didn’t happen yesterday was our Dr. M. thoughts. Just try a little in this area … difficulty very hard.
I’m not really sure why this set of processing thoughts keeps coming up. It seems though that the majority of the time, we’re refusing our minds being able to think of Dr. M. So, in this respect we are further dissociating, and that seems to be affecting us negatively. We need to be able to face up to our responsibilities, including school. Yesterday, was a huge attempt to do that. With Dr. M. we think his name and we get this face …
It seems to express to us worry, anger, and hurt. We need to somehow acknowledge in our head the relationship we had with him, the sense of intimacy has changed. It is a stretch of our imagination to not say the intimacy is gone. Whichever younger parts are out, the point is that they are out, so to that degree we must still trust him. It seems to represent more a backlog of problems though. Pretty sure we’re still dealing with those thorny abandonment issues. So, maybe in this respect it is a good thing that this whole separation has come up. Because in reality, most of our lives we were on our own. We didn’t feel alone with Dr. M. But, now we feel alone again. Not as protected. Whatever level that we reached though … it doesn’t mean we’re going to stagnate here the balance of our lives, though that is a common feeling and thought right now. We’ve had a rough couple of weeks in getting things done, but for the most part, we still are progressing. And, with advancements over taxes, school loans, and bills, which are a great avoidance issues … we’ve progressed. We need to hold on to that. Something is improving. We’re not at a confidence level to think that we are going to be able to do the same after the trip, but the mere fact that we’re trying to do this trip from our own resources and comfort level, we’re doing good. It’s not an easy thing for us to feel safe in the world, and here, we are taking a six hour trip into very strange territory. It will require our adult senses for both the drive, being away, and the actual concentration necessary to focus on the CARF meetings and people we will encounter there. It’s a whole building up process of which we’ve come to be. This has got to be a good thing.
Ahh, Sweetie Pie’s signed on. We’ll give him a moment to settle in. Pretty sure if he has a game today, its been cancelled. Pretty windy-blustery out there all morning with a good dose of rain, 70% expected the rest of the day and next three days.
*Sigh* We had to do a lotta babying … he has gone without anything to eat 36 hours. That HAD to STOP! I think we got him up to maybe some toast with a little jelly. It’s progress. He said he slept 14 hours straight. I think he’s on the right track with that part. Sometimes the body just needs to be #1 priority! We were kind of tough on him though … no getting around the necessity of food. Then we encouraged him with a little weight loss talk, some fishing … just a tiny bit … don’t want him overexcited. Hehehehe
Ok, back to the matters at hand. AND, in full consciousness its now gotten to be 8:35 and no sign of school work yet. Let’s try to wrap this up in the next 25 minutes. Where were we.
Hmm, Dr. M. We’re obviously still gliding here. We need for our sense of inner peace a deep Dr. M. thought … somebody inside has got to let us in! Ok, let’s try this … I’m going to ask a question and SOMEBODY tell me the answer. We’ll go with that for a few minutes. Ok, let’s make the first one easy. How are you? Ok, not so happy. Did Dr. M. say anything good last visit? No, it doesn’t count if you made him feel worse. You don’t want to hurt him do you? Ok, good … no punches in the nose or nothing. I know, but you’re still mad. How long do you think your going to be mad? Umm, can’t use eternity, that’s not reasonable. Ok, you know we are going to have to work with him sometime, see … we are doing a little now. This isn’t too bad, right? It’s ok to be a little sulky. But, you need to help us figure this out. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. Ok, now I want you to focus. What is the worst thing Dr. M. did? Ok, he left us. Did he really leave us? I know you think he might as well have, but let’s try our new reality method. Ok, I know that it’s a difficult concept to hold two weeks in your mind. How about we stay with the every other Thursday, how does that work out for you? Ok, then maybe we can try working through how we label it. Good weeks and bad weeks is not the best we can do. How about … well on and off weeks … still not our best. How about we reframe it as … how about study and review … no, ok … too close to school, but getting somewhere … how about observe you’ve always liked that term? No … ok too specimen like. We could call it self-discovery week and Dr. M. discovery week. Ok, too invasive, shhh, it’s ok. I know you don’t want to know yourself right now too much and you certainly don’t want Dr. M to discover you. How about self-regulation time and a simple check-in. That would help us with our active independence. Ok, I know you don’t want him to be monitoring you. How bout the idea of a summary period? I know, I know … you’re not letting him know write now most of what’s going on … we’ve got to work on that a little … loosen up the strings. It doesn’t mean he’s going to take advantage. Shhh, it’s ok, it’s ok … we’re still here. You are going to be ok.
Ok, let’s take a little breather here. For now … let’s just consider it … in and out of office week. Hmm? That’s not too bad, right? Ok, you like the self words. How about … self help week, and let in Dr. M. a little week? We’re getting close … how bout self help week and talking week. Yes, I could see how self help might be a little scary. You need to help me out here. Why don’t you tell me something your comfortable with? What would you like to call it? Smashing Pumpkins has already been taken. Ok, I like that working week and working with Dr. M week. No self. I’ll go with that, but I won’t buy into we don’t have a self anymore.
Ok, we’ll try that out working week and working with Dr. M. week. V-break YAYYY!!
Mumble, Mumble, mumble… We certainly didn’t like that chapter! He left Lucinda in a cemetery with Mondrian and Maurice, with only John to protect her! HMPF! We’re not taking that news very well! HMPF! MEN!
Ok … ok … back to business here. I think the value of what we are trying to do is to restructure the time for ourselves. This would be some kind of progress toward accepting what has happened. We need to let go of that which has allowed us to feel abandoned, uncared for and lost during the time that Dr. M. isn’t here. It seems too that structurally we have lost a safe place to be. Before the office represented a certain amount of security. From what I can figure on the last time being there … it has become again and unsafe office. I know the temptation here is to build a safety net back in our castle. But, it is a cold airy space where even the chairs guarding the open pit fireplaces are backed away from the warmth in submission to the room’s emptiness. Oh dear … are we really here? Damn damn. Ok, let’s make that our last task of this period with our Dr. M. thoughts. We need somewhere safe for the parts to go. AND NO … we’re not going back to the monkey lab, or whatever that turned out to be. I know … why don’t we leave a nice safe space on a lake … beach front. Remember when we walked with Dr. M….. ok ok ok … shhhhhhhh, not going there. Shhhhh it’s ok … calm down, we’re erasing those images. Shhhhh… But, dear … we can’t lock ourselves in a steel vault either? Don’t you see there has to be a compromise?? Ok, maybe change our focus here. I think the couch is still safe … I know, sharks …too close … Look, we’re going to have to work with the fact that he could stop seeing us altogether. AND, in so doing could take away the couch and the room. How can I help you make that ok. Because it doesn’t seem like its going to change.
Sure … ok, I’ll process that one …
Before Dr. M. always gave us a sense of security that he wasn’t going to go anywhere and that he’d always be there for us. Whether or not that was a right thing to do, we have to deal with the reality that he’s not available to us … He can say we can write to him, but even those emails have been left un-responded too. There is going to be no progressive time line of things happening one session to the next. The familiar gap of time between appointments could before be held by the images of him at the door welcoming us and letting us go, because it was only going to be 3 or 4 days. Now the sense is that he doesn’t know us. We’re like a long-time ago memory. There is no way that he is holding us in his memory … we used to be a thought of what happens Monday morning and Thursday afternoon. Now, we’re on a calendar that pops up to say, ok this is one of those fruitless hours where I know I’m going to be frustrated with her.
Ok, I know … that safe place. That safe place in reality is right here and never any further away than a computer. We can do that. While we’re at it … how do we make work and school safe again too? We know the common denominator that holds us is that they are all attached to the computer. Computer is safe, but now we’re obsessing with it. Need to protect its value. No, the computer is not going anywhere. I know the music went away, but that is not like the whole computer is gone. It’s going to be ok… You have to trust me a little with that one. Yes, having a Grandma again is a good idea. But, even there we gotta be careful, we don’t tire her out or wear out our welcome, k?
Ok, let’s not sidetrack. Brunch will be here in a minute. Relax a little, you’re doing fine. I know school. We have to be careful. What’s the plan there? We are losing time again. Let’s set a goal to have at least one paper written today and the lab. No pressure, I know you can do this … need to keep time, that’s all just sayin … it’ll be ok.
Ok, let’s go back to the computer. We know the computer is safe, though our computer connection to Dr. M. seems to have holes in it. Most often we don’t trust ourselves with emails to him, because we’re afraid we could get mad and then he could get rid of us for good, just like an experiment that didn’t work. Remembering about something I said at staff training this week, nobody likes to be out of control. That’s why we’re pretty sure Mondrian has taken Lucinda somehow. Mondrian wouldn’t allow for herself to remain vulnerable. She would respond by controlling herself and in that state be in control of others. But, still all the rules are different and we don’t know where we stand.
Hmm, think for a second about the last statement made. I wonder if we too somewhere would have protected selves from being vulnerable … just in case something like this happened. In which ways are we in control of self, and for heaven’s sakes are we trying to control others?? I know the therapeutic relationship is a balance. It seems for the last three months we haven’t spent too much time being able to talk to Dr. M. We’ve been way extended out. The problem there is regaining some kind of control over the ship. Bills and weight were good steps, as will be school. In some ways, then with Dr. M. it would seem as we’ve let go of some control over ourselves, to allow the cards to fall where they may. Just that isn’t as safe for us. Shoot, everything is like having the rug pulled out from under us. We’ve been working with Dr. M. as we had with Dr. W. as a system, or team, we weren’t trained to not need people. We were supposed to be accepting people. People aren’t always acceptable. If they can’t be trusted, what then is the value of relationships, if no better then a bending grass in the wind.
Hmm, this seems more like V-space. All his writing about death. Shudder … he’s got us now standing at the gates of a cemetery … Shoot. We’re dealing, we’re dealing. That’s always the ultimate threat Dr. M. is going to die or Rich or V or the boys or Sr. Seems as if we should be counting on this instead. Probably what V would think. I can hear us shuffle back the chair … hold on hold on … too much reality. Let’s step back carefully for a moment. How far do we have to go here. Times ticking. School … ok that’s a soft school don’t want to scare anybody. We promise we’d take care, I know this has to be done. Let’s evaluate though how far we’ve come.
Ok, here is where we’ve gotten so far. We feel worried, angry, and hurt. We feel abandoned because of the separation. Although we feel alone, vulnerable and unprotected, we can still make progress if we choose not to stagnate. The sense of in-depth inner-peace we used to feel with Dr. M, we need to find within ourselves. We don’t want to hurt him in the process, or stay mad at him. Although he did leave us, we need to figure out how to do the right thing, create our new reality. We can do this by restructuring or reframing our relationship to him. Our best effort is dividing the new time between our working time and our working moments with him. Whether what has happened is right or wrong, we need to accept it. It doesn’t mean the feelings of being lost, abandoned, and uncared for are going to go away. We need to self-structure safety and security away from him and his office, especially in our computer time with the writing, even if he isn’t connected to it. The reality is that we are alone with this. With the infrequent appointments his not welcoming our life seems less humane, but that's pretty much life. Our sense of school and work is that we’re poking the dam’s holes as quickly as we can. This can be done better by balancing structure time with our needs to withdraw into our free-writing. Since the computer is still safe, we may be able to use it in better planning, goal-making, and in honoring debts. We should try again with the PDA. Part of the stress will be relieved as we meet deadlines. We need to appreciate more self-control. The rules have to be simple and easy to follow, like letting others control themselves. We have to give up our daily sense of team effort with Dr. M. and instead allow him to become a more distant collaborator. The nature of people and relationships is that they bend in the wind. People and relationships cannot be trusted; they change and disappear. It is important to accept our confused reality for its own sake. Although alone, we need to work toward the promise and commitment to some kind of self-care in real time. I’m not sure how to do real-time as a multiple. Shhhh…. It will be ok. We need to work together. Shhh … It’ll be ok. And, maybe it’s ok to grieve loss, but one small step at a time. It’s time. We need to let school back in. **Sigh* Ok, or not.
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/30/2006 12:45:00 PM
Comments: 3
