Ayn's Multiple World

Coming Out of the Closet

Good morning. Thanks Nikki, Deb, and V. your faith in us helps. I think you’ve all been around long enough to know we go through these ups and downs frequently enough, especially these last two to three months. I think yesterday was some kind of turning point in that for a while, not afterward, but for a while we were confronting some of the anger we’ve been trying not to express to Dr. M. We were saying, “is more than just unfair, to take away services I need. It is the wrong thing to do. The only choice I am given is to take no services at all. It is like saying, "Here's the deal, we are going to give you a very bad situation, or we could make it worse."

The turning point is that there was a sense of at least fighting back. We had wanted to talk to someone about the financial situation, especially the person that had made the choice to reduce the majority of our services. We hadn’t felt like we’d been given reasonable options, warning, or the opportunity to mediate the situation within the last months or possibly a year. And we said that we certainly weren’t given any notice of how dangerous the situation had become, nor did we feel that Dr. M. had helped us to reach a safe conclusion prior to the stopping of the majority of the service.

At this point we’re down again and I’m not sure how well we would do in fighting back. Pretty much think that their financial people would squash every hope … basically, by saying, “No … we gave you a chance, you blew it, tough luck.” There is no hope that Dr. M. would stand up for my needing services, because I think in his position he always has to back whatever the hospital says. Most likely he also agrees with them. Who wouldn’t want to get paid for his services? I think the hospital still paid him literally, but they’ve taken a loss on me. They are fairly quick in handing the unpaid accounts over to credit agencies and they’ve done this so that the creditors have divided my payments so to make payments of one they want payments of all instead of grouping them together so I can make one fair payment. The hospital does it the same way. I could pay one substantial sum, but they all want a substantial sum and there are too many accounts to do this … at best I’d be able to pay minimum on the majority. I think. I don’t know how many bills I have and when we asked Dr. M. for a social worker, he hadn’t thought it would work.

I don’t know this is about as much as I dare say now … can only do it so long before my brain starts falling apart again. I think the strongest part in our mind that is helping us through the ideation is the part that doesn’t want to mess up at school. But, often that leaves us feeling between rock and a hard place, because we’re just sitting on the edge of our own personal disaster and we’re not able to climb out without slipping back down the slope. Yesterday, we thought our going to school were being threatened, but that didn’t happen until all the rest, and by that time we were too tired and confused to process it. It still might be we’re not sure. Now, this morning we just feel the heaviness of it all. We have the feeling of impending doom.

We started processing thoughts about the blogs. I guess the feeling was that if the school, the hospital, or Dr. M. ever wanted to hurt us that they’d be able to use my blogs against us. I’ve been feeling the same way in relating to my Grandmother as far as a few of the other relatives were concerned, it would be very easy to find me on the web. I know it could be done by entering my name, or my screen name. I know between them that both uncles and a couple of cousins along with my brother/sister, or maybe even my mother could do it, though I’ve rested more easily in the past, because I’ve thought there would be little interest. I think I represent a threat to their way of thinking because of my interest in spending time with my grandmother. I don’t know how much of these concerns are paranoid, and how much are related to facing facts.

I’ve learned over time to be more proud of ourselves and accepting of our thoughts. But, I think by others standards; I could be proven to be a “bad” person. I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t think I’d survive without the medium of our blogs. It has helped in the past to know that periodically supportive people like you will stop by to read them, but the most important part is that I am able to write whatever comes to mind and the sum total of it explains my presence here on Earth. I feel connected because of the Internet and I feel appreciative that no matter where I am I can find the me that I’ve come to be; for good or bad.

We’ve just put in for another sick day at work. We wrote Sr. saying:

I need to give the medicine a chance to work today. In the past its usually adjusted within a couple of days. However, this doesn't mean that I shouldn't be working today. I need to focus. I brought the CARF material home with me. I still have the goal that it can be finished today. Just don't think I will be able to focus on it and dealing with so many other variables at work. I figure that it's better for the center if I don't be there on my more emotional days. I will start the CARF work at 7:30 am and commit myself to it through it for the day.

Shoot, we sure do take off a lot of days.  I don’t know how else to do it though … can’t be at work with so many negative emotions. I want to be very serious where CARF is involved … I did well doing the work here before and in about an hour and a half, we’re going to need focusing on it again. So, I’ve got to plan for that now. I hold only loosely in my thoughts that Dr. M. would respond back to us by email. Most likely, he will wait until Thursday, so that whole mess is going to be open in my mind for several days. Maybe later we can get it processed to somewhere safer.

Sitting back for a few moments listening to the sounds of the day. I had realized that light had come up in back of me. Now, the garbage trucks are picking up across the street. It’s about 6 am. so I guess that means the day has really started. I will still wait for about 45 minutes before taking the medicine. I don’t want that to be off skeltered any more than it has been. Ahh, now it is quieter, the trucks gone off down the street. Looking at the quick capture devise I always keep running, I don’t look much different than I had when I first signed on. I feel a kind of hopelessness. Need to look around the corner of our eyes for our sense of determination.



This is a person despite all the rest that intends to do something with her life. I need to get past the parts that feel we’re not going to make it.

We talked to my Grandmother again a couple of days ago. She had talked about her 95th birthday party up at the lake where my uncle has his summer home. It was a pretty big deal from what I understand. She said that she wouldn’t like to celebrate like that every year, but I took it that it meant quite a lot to her when it happened. There were many people at the event including family and friends. I think those kind of things where there are large groups of people are tiring for her, and she’s always been sensitive toward people spending too much attention on her. She is a very modest woman. She talked also about the celebrations for birthdays at her center. There had just been a party for one of her friends. She said that when the families come in there are sometimes bigger celebrations and people throughout the center are invited to come down and share cake and ice cream, or whatever the family brought in. The center itself holds birthday parties for all the people born of each month. So, I think in general there is a lot of celebrating life that goes on. This is the cool stuff!

I asked this time if she minded that sometimes after I talk to her, I write about her here. She said she didn’t mind. I had asked after she had talked for a spell about the younger family members sometimes coming to her to ask about the older times, especially for the school assignments. One of my cousin’s kids had come in and brought a tape recorder and his mother took pictures of some of the old pictures that she keeps. She was very proud to say that he had gotten an “A” on the assignment. Later, I had asked her about the pictures and paper that I had sent her in the envelope. She seemed hesitant to mention it and hadn’t brought it up on her own. She talked about the paper as being somewhat past her abilities, which made us feel kind of sad. We hadn’t thought of that. She said that she could read it in parts, but I didn’t have an understanding that she had finished. She didn’t say anything about the pictures.

She did however talk as if to excuse herself. She said that both her and my Grandfather had only gotten 8th grade educations and that her mother had only received a 4th grade education. She said that it was different growing up on the farm and that schools were usually held in the cities, so a farming family had to send there kids away to get an education. And, that how it often happened was that the families would drop their child at the school or with relatives and friends on Sunday night and then come to pick them up on the following Friday. Somehow, my great Aunt had gotten further. She not only finished high school, she went to college and became a teacher. I had the impression that my Great Grandfather had died sometime around the age of 17 or so, in that my Grandmother said her mother sold the farm and got a place in town. I know only of this Grandfather that he’d owned a local store and had built a one room school house that I had the opportunity to see when I was about 10.

I had know just fairly recently that my Grandmother was a seamstress in a state institution for people who were mentally retarded. This last time I found that she had held a job with the state for over 20 years, up until the time she had met my Grandfather. During that time she had worked her way up to more of what we’d considered a management position today. She was in charge of all the seamstresses and I know she did some cooking as well. She said the other day that she was one of three sisters who lived most of their young adulthood with their mother. She said that the state had given some a place to live at their facility, but for the ones who lived elsewhere, they were given a matching sum of money and that was the money my Grandmother gave her Mother toward costs. I had the impression that the other girls gave in the same manner.

I had made an exclamation at some point, I think at hearing the education levels, that I had not known any of these things. My Grandmother’s first statement was, of course, you were a long way from being born yet! That made me laugh and laugh. Then she said, there is a great deal I don’t know about, or anyone knows about for that matter. I don’t recall how direct I was, but I think I was able to express, that I wanted to know about her. I told her that the most important thing I do is my writing. I think that’s when I told her about the blog.

We didn’t talk too long, because I didn’t want to tire her. She is still dealing with blood loss. She said that she hadn’t been sleeping well for a while. She goes to bed and will sometimes get up a couple of times during the night and be up a spell. She worried that maybe she was napping too much during the day, but felt at those times, she was very tired and needed the nap. I know that my Grandmother can write, because she writes out each year birthday and Christmas letters that go out with her card. She has in addition given me $100 dollar checks for as long as I can remember being an adult. Each year I think no, don’t take it, because it is about time that she shouldn’t be paying me, but there has never been a year where I wasn’t touched by the gesture, no matter how separated from the family I’ve felt. As well, not too many years have gone by where receiving a $100 free money wasn’t a pretty big deal.

I know though that writing is hard for her in that her hands have arthritis. She says she was never a writer, she was a sewer, and that is what she did for the majority of her life. I think that is pretty cool. I don’t know if she looked into the pictures well enough to see that behind me underneath the TV, I have kept the treadle sewing machine that was at one time my Great Grandmother’s. I’ve moved over a couple dozen times in my adult life, but the sewing machine always gets a predominant place in the house. I know if I were to bring it to her attention, she would say, “You still have that old thing?” And, we would proudly say “Yep!” But, I know within my heart that it pleases her. I think I am the only Granddaughter that didn’t pick up sewing. I’d been given the machine about 12 years old because I had been so much interested in it. I used to place paper where the cloth would go and practice sewing straight lines with the needle going in and out of the paper. Later, I used it to sew my Barbie doll clothes. I had gotten a fancy sewing machine sometime while we were still living in the big Victorian. It had 54 windows that needed curtains. I took care of the task, but never sewed another thing. Later when my sister indicated a need for a nice machine, I gave her the fancy one. It wasn’t my intention at the time that she keep it, but sometimes that’s how it happens. I’m pretty sure she used it quite frequently with her projects and most like wore the thing out. That’s ok. It was more important to keep my Grandmothers’ old sewing machine.

Just took a break. I filled up my coffee, went to the washroom, took my medicine and put some breakfast in the microwave. I figure this is doing pretty good. Oh, I also put on some old wool stockings. The thermometer says its only 38 and there are frost warnings out for tonight. Brrr.

I like the idea of writing my Grandma’s story as she sees fit to give it to me into my own blog. I’m trying to think a little of that now. I know psychologically, it would be a good thing for both of us. I don’t know if its not selfish. But, I don’t know or want to know the rest of the family except through my Grandmother’s thoughts. They might be interested in reading it someday if we were allowed to progress it enough, but then they’d have to siphon through my story too? I would like my Grandmother’s story to stand out in its own right, but I’ve known so little of her over the past 25 years that it wouldn’t be fair to think I would be the best one to write about her. But, then again, the others have known her over these last 25 years, and haven’t picked up the value of doing it themselves, or perhaps weren’t writers. I don’t know if I really qualify for a writer myself, especially since I’ve chosen the medium of writing about her in my blog.

Shoot, those are all confusing things. Maybe it is best to say right now … that I don’t or shouldn’t have to worry about being the only one who has taken this lead. I guess I need to do it from my perspective, because I don’t know the perspectives of my relatives. I suppose that if I ever was to write a story entirely about my grandmother in the form of a book, I would have to use the “notes” I’ve taken from now and memory, and to interview others in the family. I suppose that would be the fairest thing to do. Because my Grandmother is bigger than just the thoughts, I can process about her on my own. Or, if anyone else would feel more capable of the challenge I could give them access to my writing.

I think the only other one in the family who could do it would be my cousin Meg. That’s not her real name, but she’s a real person. I don’t want to get in trouble with any particular individuals writing directly about them.

Whoops … had to break here. Sr. sent us back a note reminding us that today was the behavior management meeting. So, we wrote a brief analysis where we thought all of our clients were. It’s the best that I can do. I think my notes are very good, but they are going to find out that I do not have the minutes from the meeting in the notebook. Yeeks. Don’t know what to do about that … they just aren’t done. They can make do and someone else can take minutes this time. No one is indispensable. Life as we know it won’t crumble beneath us. Hmm, that’s pretty good thinking on our part. We need to remember that in general. V. said something yesterday in one of his comments. In all reality, all considered, we actually are doing pretty well. Little yayyy.

We’re about here, right now.



We seem to be calmer now and more intent than we had before. I’m going to need getting serious pretty soon with the CARF work, but I want to finish wherever we had been before the note from Sr. Need to reread a bit.

Ahh we were going to say something about Meg. She is the oldest daughter of the elder Uncle from Los Vegas. I think if I remember correctly this last time my grandmother said she’s living in Virgina, I might have this confused because I thought she said my younger uncle’s kids were living in Virgina too. Hopefully, this will come up soon enough so I can clarify it in my mind. I had known pretty well this particular cousin growing up. I was closest to her and her older brother. Meg’s husband is still in the air force and she has two sons, one I think who is going to college this year, I’m not sure. I have to do a better job of writing things down when I can still remember them. She is the one who just visited my Grandmother last week and had left the Easter dinner.

Meg, her younger brother, most likely her younger sister, and my two siblings finished college. I’m not sure if my younger Uncle’s kids did … I have never known them because they always lived out of town. That Uncle most likely has step-children too, but I am not aware of all that. Just that he married a second woman after a divorce of the Aunt that I knew. I don’t know barely anything about them. My brother and cousin Meg have gone on to complete the most education. My brother did whatever it took to be an ordained Lutheran minister. I think it took an additional 2-3 years of college, but I don’t believe he holds a master’s or doctorate. Meg holds a Masters I believe in physical therapy. She seems to work a couple of days a week and is home during the time her boys are home.
I am very certain, my brother, or sister for that matter would ever take the time out to write, especially about someone else. I don’t know my elder Uncle’s younger son, but I think he graduated with marine biology. I really don’t have good information to know if he went on to further education. His career might have depended on it. I think this cousin is the one who most likely is required to travel the most, though I am really not aware of what he does. I don’t have any information to lead me to think he would write about my Grandmother. Most likely he is smart enough, and I know he’s always done his best to help my Grandmother, but I think his family interests take him in other directions. I don’t know enough about these cousins to know if their younger sister would be interested or able. Because the family is in general educated, I can only assume that she is as well. The other three cousins I know of are not college educated. This doesn’t mean they couldn’t write, just that I don’t think writing is important to any of them.

Hmm, maybe if I outlined this better. Hold on …



Ahh, that’s better. As a reference I am 46, so most likely the age range of the cousins is now 48 to 38. Wow, we’re a bunch of old people! My mother would be 65. I think the older uncle might be about 4 years older than her, but maybe up to 7 years older, so anywhere between 69 and 72 years of age. The youngest Uncle might be I’m not sure maybe about 4 years younger making him about 61 years of age. That sounds about right. No science here … it was about 25 years I’ve been in touch with most of these people although, before we went away to college, we had known all our cousins, except Corrine and Jack fairly well. The families used to get together for holidays, some birthdays, and then at my Elder Uncles summer home. I’m not familiar with the one he has now, although it is on the lake I remember, and I think in total there are three summer places, two belonging to my Elder Uncle, and maybe one belonging to Meg.

I don’t know the relationship of the Younger Uncle and his family, though I think he lives maybe in Indiana. I don’t know their visiting patterns. My elder Uncle gets together with family with a fair amount of frequency given that they all live in different states. I think the summer homes are a meeting place, and in the past my Grandmother would join them for 3-4 weeks. I don’t know if the youngest Uncle joins much the WI Lake people, but I’m sure my mother, her husband, my brother and sister have all joined that group along the way although, a fraction of the time, my Uncles family gets together. To my understanding my Brother, Mike and Fran are the only ones who’ve gotten remarried of our generation, and I most likely am the only one divorced who did not remarry. Hmm, that’s interesting never thought of it like that before. I like being a loner!

My Grandmother’s Great grandchildren would be even harder to pin down. And, she now has great Grandchildren – At least three by my sons who are the eldest of the Great Grandchildren. I think it goes something like this Mike has one natural son, Jeff has one natural daughter, Meg has two sons, I have three sons, Jim might have like 3 daughters (really not sure), Trudy has one son, Fran has three sons, and I have no idea on the youngest four cousins. I guess in general having three kids was pretty much maxing out any of our family’s systems. I think the next generation of great Grandchildren are getting ready to just enter college. My understanding is that four of them might be going this next year. That would make it highly likely that my younger uncle’s kids graduated college too. No reason why not to believe that.

Oh man. Just looked at the time … I had glanced up at the email to discover our sweetie had left a message along with the Microsoft representative I’ve been working unsatisfactorily with. You know the people who want to serve me at a cost of $105 without service. He thinks that he’s still working on the computer problem that was fixed prior to his first email, which didn’t come until 3 days after I was told it would be here. Then, he left a message with the same phone number I lost the first two $35 to. He said call that number and I would get a refund. Why the H*** would ANYone call that number, especially since I’ve been gypted three previous times in a row! YEEKS. Anyway, we sent him back another email. He said he would stick with us to the end because customer satisfaction is his #1 goal. We shall see.



Ok, need to give ourselves another deadline. Let’s say I HAVE to finish up this post in the next 22 minutes. K … We set the timer … This is something that we really have to do, although don’t want to do naturally. It is kind of peculiar waking up to think of yourself as part of a family. I’m not sure what they meaning my Grandmother and Mother, or two siblings have told the rest of the family about me. I’m pretty sure they all know that I divorced and never married. But, I don’t know if they knew what my job was, or how “sick” I really am. I’m pretty sure they know I have some mental illness, though if any, I’m thinking they only know about the depression and not the multiplicity. But, I could be wrong. I am pretty sure they know that financially, I just make ends meet. That was probably more important than how I was doing. I think we’ve been living under my Mother’s reports to them and her and my Grandmother have agreed about how much and what to put out. Usually, what I see or hear about is a comment such as … well, we just don’t know too much about that one. We haven’t heard from her in a long time. Then I suppose it would be up to each to puzzle together what may have happened.

I was at my Great Aunt’s funeral about five years ago where I saw my elder uncle. He made a comment along with great laughter while standing at the gravesite in saying he had never laughed so hard as in my embarrassment when up at the lake, my mother was drunk and “whipped off her top.” To this day, I find this remembrance critically difficult to bear. If after not talking for 20 years, this is what he remembered of me, then I would think he is just as intolerable now as he was then. Again, I will listen and write about what my Grandmother has to say, but I don’t want to meet these people. I have no idea who they’ve turned out to be. There is some small sense that I might still like my cousin Mike. He was the only one from that side of the family to come to my father’s and Sandy’s funeral. I remember him looking very different from whom I had known, and that I tried to keep up his conversation to some degree, but the situation was much too strange. I maintained a distance to all, except Sandy during my father’s funeral. Then, of course, three months later she had died. There was no one at that point I wanted to get back to.

I’ve tried to put the past behind us. It no longer matters. Whether I get to know these people or not will depend on if they are willing to be known and aren’t just people I wouldn’t want to associate with. The difficulty is that I have problems with a lot of negative messages bombarding me all at once. Obviously, we stay too close to suicidal ideations to maintain ourselves up and against the family’s strength. In the past we’ve argued that they have no interest of me, and that we’re quite sure they are happy about the character they now most likely have designated me to. In summary, I didn’t feel very important to these people, other than my Grandmother before, and I think I am no more important to them today. Where the family had been threatening, I have no reason to believe this has changed. They still seem dangerous to me. THOUGH, in taking a stand of letting that go, I have to let go of that fear. First, because most people change, I’d like to think most people change for the better, and I do not any longer have to think of myself as being lesser in all great respect.

Unfortunately, I most likely don’t have the stamina to put myself up in front of them. I’m not sure though what they will think after my Grandmother lets them know I’ve started to take an interest in her. I’ve always been interested in my Grandmother, I think if there ever was a blacksheep I am it. I am much more comfortable with the standards that I have set as an adult, especially through the help of counseling, and then I was with the standards I was raised in my childhood. I know the family is relatively intelligent, I don’t believe I have ever been held in respect by them for being me, whoever me is. It was too easy back then to make me the butt of their jokes, as my elder Uncle had done again at my great aunt’s funeral. But, if I stayed only in that position, I would miss my Grandmother’s remaining time on this Earth. Beside her ready association to all the others, she never raised a hand to me, nor yelled, although often enough made to feel guilty. Her scolding was more in the form of telling me how I’d upset someone or something in the system. She was always aware of her role as a dominant other to all within the family. I didn’t always fit in, for example, none of them would discuss anything negative about my mother. So, during all the years of being beaten by her, we remained one of hers, and in that respect it was accepted.

I think my elder uncle raised his kids differently. My aunt wasn’t someone to beat on kids. They talked in their family, and I don’t think any of them were ever given a reason to rebel. But, there was a great amount of competition amongst my mother’s brother’s and sister’s who was successful, who were not, whose kids did better, which kids did not. I think each one individually wanted my Grandmothers love and respect. This is something maybe that was bred in, maybe not. There’s no way to tell. I know I’m going to need handling my elder uncles situation to some degree or another. He is still other than my Grandmother, the families strongest character and head of the family. He’s been on a cruise, I’m hoping that when he returns and hears about the calls, I will continue to be insignificant to him. I really don’t want to be involved, especially with our relative instability in holding our own without parts from adapting to one another. I would step back from the family again rather than to be taken down by them consciously, or unconsciously.

Ok, ok … better end. Someone really needs to get some work done and we’re at a good breaking point here. But, these are the thoughts that have come up in our minds since thinking about being in a position to write about my Grandmother. I don’t think it can be done without talking about this family. Therapeutically for me, it is probably a good thing to accept I am who I am, and have thought as I might. I won’t apologize for this, but I’m at least opening the door to accepting the value of my Grandmother’s life. Maybe more importantly I respect the value of my life. I wish I didn’t have to go through the range of emotions as we expressed at the beginning of this post. But, for whatever it is I have come to be the person I am because of this family, my family, my work, school, and friends. Most importantly, I’ve come to be me through 22 years of being treated by the psychologists and psychiatrists, although, it seems like that period of my life is waning. I guess we have to wait and see what is to happen next. I appreciate all that keep coming back and reading these long dialogues of conversation we have. I know that my posts are longer than most, and I don’t often get out reciprocating the favor. But, for whatever it is worth, I feel more myself sitting here as I have this morning, than any other part of my life. Most likely because it allows us to merge together all that are part of us, so that we can get to know one another and the totality of our minds. No. I don’t think we are crazy.

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/25/2006 10:28:00 AM Comments: 3