Somedays ...
Good morning. Just us. We’re just here managing our morning.
Whoops … now it is evening. I didn’t get so far on this post today. Maybe I’ll give it an hour. I’m pretty tired and will want to get to bed by 7 pm tonight. It’s been a goofy day.
I don’t want to go into the details now … those kind of posts seem more for a Saturday morning. I think the bottom line is that I’d run out of an important medicine on Saturday. I sent an email to Dr. M., but he didn’t get it until today obviously. So, that meant two days without the medicine. Not such a good idea, but I’d lost track of it. Dr. M. sent me a message early this morning saying that he renewed it, but the damage was already done. About 1 pm., we became very tearful, depressed, and suicidal. We opened an email for Dr. M. What came out were a couple of paragraphs of us being very angry. We apologized for what we had done a few moments ago. Everything I seem to be doing is a much up. So, I’m not going very far in that direction. It will take a day or two for the medicine to regulate itself. I’ll have to see where the cards fall.
We’ve been thinking for a little while now about our responsibility in the world.
Seems like a lot of things we don’t do so well. I think we’re centered right now on not being able to think through things better. We get confused pretty easily on what is the right thing to do. We do our best, but we’re thinking we’re off a mark or two. Don’t know how to explain proper. We’d like to think that we’re honest people, but sometimes I think when things go hard, we take paths of least resistance. Like it was easier to fall in love with our friend, and then sort out the impossibility that there were natural barriers in the relationship. There were more concerns in the beginning, but I had a therapist, and of course our friend, who helped us accept that although it wasn’t an ideal relationship, it was a good relationship.
I felt bad for our friend today. I’ve been looking so forward to him coming home, and then by the time he peeped his head in at work, we were crying and unable to talk. He’s pretty smart as far as our emotions go. He said, “What’s wrong?” several times. But, we were too upset at the time. He asked, “Did somebody yell at you?” Again, we shook our head no. He looked around and saw the email on the screen and asked who we were writing. We told him Dr. M. There were suggestions from him to get us back on an even keel. We couldn’t turn off the music, we’d been listening too, but we agreed to turn it on the speakers, so he could listen to what we were hearing. Then he went back to his office to do some work. We finished what we were doing, there was a lot of disrupting sounds from his office, because someone had stopped to talk to him and he had phone calls. We turned the speaker back to headphones. We saw V. had signed on, so we talked for him a few minutes and in the process realized what had happened with the medication. We’d forgotten about it since having sent Dr. M. the bad note. Our friend peeked his head in the office and we told him what we’d figured out with V. He then helped us emotionally handle closing down the office. We printed a copy of the prescription note for Sr. T. and let her know we had to go home and pick up medicine.
Everything there was ok. So, then we came home after picking up the medicine, took the one we were missing and laid down for a bit. Then we talked to V. a few moments before he left to eat. We took the evening medicine. Finally ate, and now now is now.
I think what worries us most is the bad thoughts. Seems like when we get emotional it skips over to wanting to not be here. Then we recognize its happening again, and we have to pay closer attention to doing things by the book. Like eating and medicine, and trying to stay on the more positive side. We know our brain processes like this, so there’s no use in beating ourselves up over it. Now, I wonder how many times as a child, we must have thought wanting to be dead. I don’t want to go there though. Want to be ok.
Maybe its time we did ourselves another favor in taking an extra shower. Maybe that will help to relax us. Thinking of our first doctor, Dr. W. He said that we have chronic suicidality. Get mad because other than the writing there is not much room to process those thoughts without Dr. M. There is another appointment on Thursday. All of this will have to wait until then. But, we’re worrying about safety points. We’d gone through this a couple of nights last week, did ok over the weekend, but had problems again today.
Some days it hurts to be me.
Shoot … that’s what showers are for, right? Ok, better warm her up. Feeling my body ache … feels exhausted from crying so much. Ok … ok be nice now. What can we think of that’s positive … I KNOW … SHOWER…. Ok, ok already!
*Sigh*
We’re back again. Someone’s sweetie pie called. He says bed time in 5 minutes. He said it was a good idea to take a shower. But, he won’t tell me any of his fishing secrets until he sees me tomorrow night. I think I’m going to finish now so we can go too bed. Maybe we can rest the worry off our face.
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/24/2006 07:15:00 PM
Comments: 3
