Downer ... don't read...
Hi.
This is about where we are at right now. I need to write for my own benefit, so please don’t feel like you have to comment. Not doing so good still. Another bad day. By this time, I’m thinking we’d go to bed, but it isn’t 6 pm yet. I’d wake up too early. I’ve got writing for school and work with upcoming deadlines tomorrow and Saturday and I feel like I am choking.
I don’t want to go into a lot of detail, just that we’re down. We’re trying to deal with that, because it stands in the way of getting other things accomplished. V. would say, something like they are all something to something something. I’m not sure … whatever it is he says to let me know we’re thinking in the wrong direction and everything beside school or work is a distraction. Defenses?
Between thoughts there are long periods of silence. We find ourselves just staring at nothing. The things that got us down today were dealing with Microsoft for a long time trying to get my programs up and running at work, dealing with a situation where another student in my course who took one of my papers I’d written and blogged about for her own assignment, dealing with the teacher who marked down the big paper, dealing with getting behind further with school and work, dealing with a “washroom problem” going on six days, and dealing with the knowledge that between interactions we feel terribly depressed. Our buddy is gone and our psychiatrist is non-existent. We’re not dealing so good with a lot of things. I thought if we gave ourselves a little time to process all these bad feelings, that somehow we could cope a little better. My home computer chair broke, and my Grandma is feeling weak from loss of blood. The doctor said she is going to need another transfusion in a short time. Tonight when I called her there was no answer. I’ll have to try again later.
It’s hot … and a creditor got me on the phone. Shoot, I’m just listing … each is too much to think about. I think I’m going to turn on the air and take an extra couple of medicines. Just a couple. Need to be more comfortable. Feel like I’m burning up.
Do I look hot to you? Oh, nevermind sorry … carry on with whatever you were doing. 6:12 marking time for meds. Just two. More for relaxation … my distress pills.
I know there are not many in J-land who didn’t know Pam. I still don’t know what to say. Maybe a prayer… that’s what V would say.
All my thoughts are getting jumbled up … just stray bits of information playing hide and seek with one another. I was the hundredth person to stop by her place, and now there are another hundred people.
I asked for help. Didn’t know what kind, I figured that God would know. I think he’s telling me its time to go to bed. Night.
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/20/2006 06:27:00 PM
Comments: 3
