Ayn's Multiple World

Dr. M. and Us

Good morning,

I know about the last thing you are going to want to see after that last long post is another picture and post from me. Shoot, just caught V’s sense of humor … I told him, I’d be right over here ----------- And, without me noticing, he edited to look like -------{MW}------ That’s the code symbol for do your school work and post it at Masters’ Work Blog. He’s not even subtle!? I’m pretty sure he knows that we are already cheating. But, at this point he still has a good sense of humor.

Ok, ok … we’re not going to take advantage of this, we ARE going to do school work this morning, but I need SOME time, Not ALL the time, but SOME time to think! In about 15 minutes, we’re going to take our medicine and that should help, though we strayed pretty far from the beaten path yesterday. It was all good stuff that needed though to happen. Something about going away that suggests you should be caught up. I had a frightening thought yesterday, in that I figured out the end of the semester is going to come up at the same time as the trip. This REALLY suggests work has to be done.

Your Morning Routine is your BabyStep to Peace!

Sunday April 30, 2006
8:00 am - 8:15 am
This event repeats every week.

Notes:
We are going to build a Morning Routine for your Control Journal or to just post on the refrigerator. Here is what I do.

1. Get up and weigh
2. Shower and get dressed to lace up shoes, fix your hair and face
3. While you are in the bathroom Swish and Swipe
4. Grab a load of laundry and start the washer
5. Check your calendar for today's activities
6. Empty dishwasher to start your day
7. Eat something good for you and take your medicine and vitamins
8. Drink your water.

Today is Sunday: Find some time to renew your Spirit!

Hmm, ok … weighed, showered late yesterday, dressed, shoes, hair, face, swished, laundry at cleaners, activities – SCHOOL, pick-up clothes, filled dishwasher, ate cantaloupe, took medicine, and drank water. I’m doing it Flylady, I’m doing it!

Renew Spirit … Oh please School Gods let the day etch a good memory as we bravely face lessons on memory through our course work. Be not afraid, but happy that this day has been given to us. God Bless Bloggers, Kitties, and especially V. may he always have good patience. Amen.



Hmm, better skip over anything about yesterday. Let’s consider all that a done deal and that we’re on the right path to financial relevancy. We’re going to watch the FlyLady today, so we’re back on course with the household. Remember during one of her 5 minute pick-ups to put away a few scraggly items and clear a space in the front hall closet. Hmm, means … move the Christmas tree and vacuum. When we get the clothes up we’re going to use it since the bedroom closet is so inaccessible due to the tread mill.

Hmm, tread mill. Let’s give that a try.

Good, good … we’re going to be ok with ten minutes at a time. We’ll try again about 1 pm and 7 pm. Little goals … little goals. That sure did warm us up though. We left on background music in the bedroom, maybe that will help us adjust to moving through the day. We’ll see.

Ok, the only other thing that we would like to advance that didn’t happen yesterday was our Dr. M. thoughts. Just try a little in this area … difficulty very hard.

I’m not really sure why this set of processing thoughts keeps coming up. It seems though that the majority of the time, we’re refusing our minds being able to think of Dr. M. So, in this respect we are further dissociating, and that seems to be affecting us negatively. We need to be able to face up to our responsibilities, including school. Yesterday, was a huge attempt to do that. With Dr. M. we think his name and we get this face …



It seems to express to us worry, anger, and hurt. We need to somehow acknowledge in our head the relationship we had with him, the sense of intimacy has changed. It is a stretch of our imagination to not say the intimacy is gone. Whichever younger parts are out, the point is that they are out, so to that degree we must still trust him. It seems to represent more a backlog of problems though. Pretty sure we’re still dealing with those thorny abandonment issues. So, maybe in this respect it is a good thing that this whole separation has come up. Because in reality, most of our lives we were on our own. We didn’t feel alone with Dr. M. But, now we feel alone again. Not as protected. Whatever level that we reached though … it doesn’t mean we’re going to stagnate here the balance of our lives, though that is a common feeling and thought right now. We’ve had a rough couple of weeks in getting things done, but for the most part, we still are progressing. And, with advancements over taxes, school loans, and bills, which are a great avoidance issues … we’ve progressed. We need to hold on to that. Something is improving. We’re not at a confidence level to think that we are going to be able to do the same after the trip, but the mere fact that we’re trying to do this trip from our own resources and comfort level, we’re doing good. It’s not an easy thing for us to feel safe in the world, and here, we are taking a six hour trip into very strange territory. It will require our adult senses for both the drive, being away, and the actual concentration necessary to focus on the CARF meetings and people we will encounter there. It’s a whole building up process of which we’ve come to be. This has got to be a good thing.

Ahh, Sweetie Pie’s signed on. We’ll give him a moment to settle in. Pretty sure if he has a game today, its been cancelled. Pretty windy-blustery out there all morning with a good dose of rain, 70% expected the rest of the day and next three days.

*Sigh* We had to do a lotta babying … he has gone without anything to eat 36 hours. That HAD to STOP! I think we got him up to maybe some toast with a little jelly. It’s progress. He said he slept 14 hours straight. I think he’s on the right track with that part. Sometimes the body just needs to be #1 priority! We were kind of tough on him though … no getting around the necessity of food. Then we encouraged him with a little weight loss talk, some fishing … just a tiny bit … don’t want him overexcited. Hehehehe

Ok, back to the matters at hand. AND, in full consciousness its now gotten to be 8:35 and no sign of school work yet. Let’s try to wrap this up in the next 25 minutes. Where were we.

Hmm, Dr. M. We’re obviously still gliding here. We need for our sense of inner peace a deep Dr. M. thought … somebody inside has got to let us in! Ok, let’s try this … I’m going to ask a question and SOMEBODY tell me the answer. We’ll go with that for a few minutes. Ok, let’s make the first one easy. How are you? Ok, not so happy. Did Dr. M. say anything good last visit? No, it doesn’t count if you made him feel worse. You don’t want to hurt him do you? Ok, good … no punches in the nose or nothing. I know, but you’re still mad. How long do you think your going to be mad? Umm, can’t use eternity, that’s not reasonable. Ok, you know we are going to have to work with him sometime, see … we are doing a little now. This isn’t too bad, right? It’s ok to be a little sulky. But, you need to help us figure this out. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. Ok, now I want you to focus. What is the worst thing Dr. M. did? Ok, he left us. Did he really leave us? I know you think he might as well have, but let’s try our new reality method. Ok, I know that it’s a difficult concept to hold two weeks in your mind. How about we stay with the every other Thursday, how does that work out for you? Ok, then maybe we can try working through how we label it. Good weeks and bad weeks is not the best we can do. How about … well on and off weeks … still not our best. How about we reframe it as … how about study and review … no, ok … too close to school, but getting somewhere … how about observe you’ve always liked that term? No … ok too specimen like. We could call it self-discovery week and Dr. M. discovery week. Ok, too invasive, shhh, it’s ok. I know you don’t want to know yourself right now too much and you certainly don’t want Dr. M to discover you. How about self-regulation time and a simple check-in. That would help us with our active independence. Ok, I know you don’t want him to be monitoring you. How bout the idea of a summary period? I know, I know … you’re not letting him know write now most of what’s going on … we’ve got to work on that a little … loosen up the strings. It doesn’t mean he’s going to take advantage. Shhh, it’s ok, it’s ok … we’re still here. You are going to be ok.

Ok, let’s take a little breather here. For now … let’s just consider it … in and out of office week. Hmm? That’s not too bad, right? Ok, you like the self words. How about … self help week, and let in Dr. M. a little week? We’re getting close … how bout self help week and talking week. Yes, I could see how self help might be a little scary. You need to help me out here. Why don’t you tell me something your comfortable with? What would you like to call it? Smashing Pumpkins has already been taken. Ok, I like that working week and working with Dr. M week. No self. I’ll go with that, but I won’t buy into we don’t have a self anymore.

Ok, we’ll try that out working week and working with Dr. M. week. V-break YAYYY!!

Mumble, Mumble, mumble… We certainly didn’t like that chapter! He left Lucinda in a cemetery with Mondrian and Maurice, with only John to protect her! HMPF! We’re not taking that news very well! HMPF! MEN!

Ok … ok … back to business here. I think the value of what we are trying to do is to restructure the time for ourselves. This would be some kind of progress toward accepting what has happened. We need to let go of that which has allowed us to feel abandoned, uncared for and lost during the time that Dr. M. isn’t here. It seems too that structurally we have lost a safe place to be. Before the office represented a certain amount of security. From what I can figure on the last time being there … it has become again and unsafe office. I know the temptation here is to build a safety net back in our castle. But, it is a cold airy space where even the chairs guarding the open pit fireplaces are backed away from the warmth in submission to the room’s emptiness. Oh dear … are we really here? Damn damn. Ok, let’s make that our last task of this period with our Dr. M. thoughts. We need somewhere safe for the parts to go. AND NO … we’re not going back to the monkey lab, or whatever that turned out to be. I know … why don’t we leave a nice safe space on a lake … beach front. Remember when we walked with Dr. M….. ok ok ok … shhhhhhhh, not going there. Shhhhh it’s ok … calm down, we’re erasing those images. Shhhhh… But, dear … we can’t lock ourselves in a steel vault either? Don’t you see there has to be a compromise?? Ok, maybe change our focus here. I think the couch is still safe … I know, sharks …too close … Look, we’re going to have to work with the fact that he could stop seeing us altogether. AND, in so doing could take away the couch and the room. How can I help you make that ok. Because it doesn’t seem like its going to change.

Sure … ok, I’ll process that one …

Before Dr. M. always gave us a sense of security that he wasn’t going to go anywhere and that he’d always be there for us. Whether or not that was a right thing to do, we have to deal with the reality that he’s not available to us … He can say we can write to him, but even those emails have been left un-responded too. There is going to be no progressive time line of things happening one session to the next. The familiar gap of time between appointments could before be held by the images of him at the door welcoming us and letting us go, because it was only going to be 3 or 4 days. Now the sense is that he doesn’t know us. We’re like a long-time ago memory. There is no way that he is holding us in his memory … we used to be a thought of what happens Monday morning and Thursday afternoon. Now, we’re on a calendar that pops up to say, ok this is one of those fruitless hours where I know I’m going to be frustrated with her.

Ok, I know … that safe place. That safe place in reality is right here and never any further away than a computer. We can do that. While we’re at it … how do we make work and school safe again too? We know the common denominator that holds us is that they are all attached to the computer. Computer is safe, but now we’re obsessing with it. Need to protect its value. No, the computer is not going anywhere. I know the music went away, but that is not like the whole computer is gone. It’s going to be ok… You have to trust me a little with that one. Yes, having a Grandma again is a good idea. But, even there we gotta be careful, we don’t tire her out or wear out our welcome, k?

Ok, let’s not sidetrack. Brunch will be here in a minute. Relax a little, you’re doing fine. I know school. We have to be careful. What’s the plan there? We are losing time again. Let’s set a goal to have at least one paper written today and the lab. No pressure, I know you can do this … need to keep time, that’s all just sayin … it’ll be ok.

Ok, let’s go back to the computer. We know the computer is safe, though our computer connection to Dr. M. seems to have holes in it. Most often we don’t trust ourselves with emails to him, because we’re afraid we could get mad and then he could get rid of us for good, just like an experiment that didn’t work. Remembering about something I said at staff training this week, nobody likes to be out of control. That’s why we’re pretty sure Mondrian has taken Lucinda somehow. Mondrian wouldn’t allow for herself to remain vulnerable. She would respond by controlling herself and in that state be in control of others. But, still all the rules are different and we don’t know where we stand.

Hmm, think for a second about the last statement made. I wonder if we too somewhere would have protected selves from being vulnerable … just in case something like this happened. In which ways are we in control of self, and for heaven’s sakes are we trying to control others?? I know the therapeutic relationship is a balance. It seems for the last three months we haven’t spent too much time being able to talk to Dr. M. We’ve been way extended out. The problem there is regaining some kind of control over the ship. Bills and weight were good steps, as will be school. In some ways, then with Dr. M. it would seem as we’ve let go of some control over ourselves, to allow the cards to fall where they may. Just that isn’t as safe for us. Shoot, everything is like having the rug pulled out from under us. We’ve been working with Dr. M. as we had with Dr. W. as a system, or team, we weren’t trained to not need people. We were supposed to be accepting people. People aren’t always acceptable. If they can’t be trusted, what then is the value of relationships, if no better then a bending grass in the wind.

Hmm, this seems more like V-space. All his writing about death. Shudder … he’s got us now standing at the gates of a cemetery … Shoot. We’re dealing, we’re dealing. That’s always the ultimate threat Dr. M. is going to die or Rich or V or the boys or Sr. Seems as if we should be counting on this instead. Probably what V would think. I can hear us shuffle back the chair … hold on hold on … too much reality. Let’s step back carefully for a moment. How far do we have to go here. Times ticking. School … ok that’s a soft school don’t want to scare anybody. We promise we’d take care, I know this has to be done. Let’s evaluate though how far we’ve come.

Ok, here is where we’ve gotten so far. We feel worried, angry, and hurt. We feel abandoned because of the separation. Although we feel alone, vulnerable and unprotected, we can still make progress if we choose not to stagnate. The sense of in-depth inner-peace we used to feel with Dr. M, we need to find within ourselves. We don’t want to hurt him in the process, or stay mad at him. Although he did leave us, we need to figure out how to do the right thing, create our new reality. We can do this by restructuring or reframing our relationship to him. Our best effort is dividing the new time between our working time and our working moments with him. Whether what has happened is right or wrong, we need to accept it. It doesn’t mean the feelings of being lost, abandoned, and uncared for are going to go away. We need to self-structure safety and security away from him and his office, especially in our computer time with the writing, even if he isn’t connected to it. The reality is that we are alone with this. With the infrequent appointments his not welcoming our life seems less humane, but that's pretty much life. Our sense of school and work is that we’re poking the dam’s holes as quickly as we can. This can be done better by balancing structure time with our needs to withdraw into our free-writing. Since the computer is still safe, we may be able to use it in better planning, goal-making, and in honoring debts. We should try again with the PDA. Part of the stress will be relieved as we meet deadlines. We need to appreciate more self-control. The rules have to be simple and easy to follow, like letting others control themselves. We have to give up our daily sense of team effort with Dr. M. and instead allow him to become a more distant collaborator. The nature of people and relationships is that they bend in the wind. People and relationships cannot be trusted; they change and disappear. It is important to accept our confused reality for its own sake. Although alone, we need to work toward the promise and commitment to some kind of self-care in real time. I’m not sure how to do real-time as a multiple. Shhhh…. It will be ok. We need to work together. Shhh … It’ll be ok. And, maybe it’s ok to grieve loss, but one small step at a time. It’s time. We need to let school back in. **Sigh* Ok, or not.

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/30/2006 12:45:00 PM Comments: 3

One Long Day Happened, Sortin out Reality

Good morning,

I tried to catch a better picture, but there is no way around it, I am blowing up like a balloon. I don’t know maybe the best thing to do is get a little real. Like stepping on the scale? Just as I thought … pretty bad. 274.2. I think I’ve gained about 10 pounds from my lowest marks. Those numbers were fleeting, but the difference is pretty scary. I know I’ve been eating out a lot and the box of cookies on my desk is reflective of our general mood. Ok, enough of that … I’ve got to take it one step at a time.

The purpose of this post should be toward anything necessary to get me back on track with anything. Most importantly school at this point. I haven’t been able to concentrate on it much this week. That’s a bad sign. I am going to make it a good thing … school. It’s all part of a self-destructive trend we’re on. Early this morning we woke up from a dream where we were at a fancy bakery and was saying, one more thing, although the lady had just told us our total was $44. I had been choosing the most decadent items. That can’t be good.

Maybe we’re going to need using that tread mill. It’s been a month or longer I think since we’ve been on. And, we’ve totally blanked out our relationship with the good folks at the fitness blog. Just too much guilt to deal with … not from them, but from ourselves. They are very supportive. I don’t know … kind of a mess right now. Kitties too. We’re out of wet kitty food. They are patrolling my chair and every time I get up they run in front of me to their food dish. I think our friend might come over tonight, but good chance that he won’t have time to stop at the grocery store. He’s got a bunch of stuff lined up in front of him today. He started a game 10 minutes ago. I know he keeps himself pretty busy.

Maybe I could get some at the drug store today. I need to go out for smokes and gas later on. So much I should do … like go to the laundry too. I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be a good idea to try out that service over by the grocery store … I think I saw one the other day. Have to check it out. It’s further away, but maybe more dependable than this one down the block. They have terrible hours that keep switching and the staff isn’t always there at the times they are supposed to be. Nothing more frustrating than finally getting it all together to find that the place isn’t even open when they said they were. ARGH! Terrible!

Shoot uncle, uncle … enough reality!!!

We just took our medicine … need for that to take affect. Might have to do something on our own though as far as the crabbiness. Think it’s somewhere between being behind, being overweight and out of control, and Dr. M. thoughts.

Ok, lets address all that. First, as far as being behind. We are going to need at least to go to school. That usually starts us off in the right direction. But, we know the bottom line. We missed the Wednesday paper due date, so have that paper and the one due tonight to get done. We also have a couple of lab experiments to do and a journal, plus we have to write about 8 comments to our peers. Chances are because we are going to need reviewing two chapters on memory; we’re going to need both today and tomorrow to catch that up. Interfering in those thoughts is that we were supposed to be on like our third deadline for CARF work to be given to Sister before we left work last night; we are feeling torn as to our priorities. I think we’re going to need facing that that work priority is going to have to wait, because if we don’t do school work, we’ll never be able to catch-up. And theoretically we’re in pretty good shape there and don’t want to see it all go down the drain.

We’ve explained our position on being overweight. We still haven’t addressed what is making us so angry, though we know most are angry thoughts are being tied-up with Dr. M. It is a very frustrating situation. It’s been quite a while since we’ve been able to talk about grown-up things. We did do one grown-up thing this week in that we did everything that was necessary to secure financial aid next year. That means we did the FAFSA stuff and SAR, plus any of the smaller stuff to give school permission to do whatever it is they do. I think we’ll get notice of something back in a couple of weeks, but we might not know the amount of student loans until about 3 weeks before the July term starts. When I’m at school, I should check to make sure all the T’s crossed and I’s dotted.

The next push will be to have Jacob get a copy of his father’s income tax and help him through it. ESPECIALLY, if he’s thinking of taking a class over the summer. I don’t think I wrote about our visit to him proper over Easter, but he said he’s going to get a school job over the summer and they will pay for his room and board, plus give him some kind of income. I was kind of glad to see that happening. I think every student realizes at some point, that going “home” isn’t what it used to be. Now that Tanner is living in the city with his girl, it would be very unlikely that Jacob would have a place to stay with his brother. And, it would be very difficult for him to get a job in the city, or be able to even park his SUV. And, my understanding is that the father is moving again further away from things, in that he’s found some place he and his wife like nearer to her job, wherever and whatever that might be.

Of course, there is my place too, but I don’t offer a whole lot of amenities. I think it is a well thought out idea for him to be able to maintain his own place. BUT, we certainly should help him watch over the financial part. I can’t give him the money that his father or grandmother could, but maybe I can still help out with little things and certainly with getting the loan secured.

Ok, ok … feeling a little better … I wrote Jacob an email, and then just in case he doesn’t want to read it, I went through what I had to say to him on a phone message. I will only give him 24 hours though … as soon as I see him sign on line tomorrow I will give him another call. I am serious about this! It was a terrible feeling talking to him before Easter about how upsetting it was to be without the money he needed for school AND I’ve been there before … I don’t want him wallowing in that sense of hopelessness. I know he’s feeling pressured by end of the year stuff, but believe me, this will take pressure off all that other stuff. We can do this! Says one protective Mom to the next.

Ok, good



That gets me back to fighting for all that’s right. I need to be on target with real life stuff.

Pshwoo that was tough … just took a V-hit … He was on the way out and I think he wanted to make sure we were going in the right direction. He can be pretty straight forward tough on a person! Something, something …. School, school, school.

Well, here’s our thought. We are going to get school done, BUT we are going to do things right toward a full-balanced weekend … Need to forward progress our Dr. M situation, then we’re going to walk, and then we’re going to take a shower, come back progress, and then go forward. It might not make a lot of sense now, but we need some of these positives in back of us later when things feel like we haven’t gotten much done. And, that will put us in good condition for getting out when we need to. Little worried about sweetie pie. We talked to him a few moments on the phone. He won’t tell us how late it is going to be, but he’s saying now go to sleep, I will wake you up. Our thinking is that HE should go to sleep and we’ll catch up later. I don’t like it when he gets dragged out tired. AND, when he does he comes in and just wants to be babied and as much as we LOVE to baby … Worrying over his safety takes precedence. Seems part of our taking care of him should just be saying GO TO BED!

AHA! I made that call too. It sure is fun having a phone now days. I called him and firmly canceled the night. Worst thing you could do to a love one is be out driving late when your tired! Told him I was fine, but he HAD to GO TO BED! HMPF!

Ok, now there was one more phone call maybe … we had thought we had one more medicine we were behind in … going to give that a shot. Hold on. Oh man … two prescriptions and it cost $80. That’s terrible! Ok ok … nothing to be done about that now. One day though might want to talk to dr. to see if there is something generic that can be taken. I think one of these is for diabetes and the other stomach upsets. Seems since there are not psychotropics, they shouldn’t matter as much. It’s the Pscho pills I want to maintain as close to the same as possible. Though I find it very discouraging to be suicidal given the fact I think we’re on like two or three anti-depressants. HMPF, HMPF! The next thing to worry about is getting the one I picked up last night back onto the three month order plan. I will have to wait 2 weeks for that though. Least that one was only $20.

Ok, we’re doing good stuff. Shoot called directory assistance and looked in phone book. Neither have a listing for laundry where I thought it was on Plainfield. Maybe because it is on a service road in back of the main street in a strip mall. No other way to do it, but drive past. I’d pay whatever to find one that picked-up and dropped-off. I really hate this part of being in an apartment. NO machine in apartment. Well, there is one downstairs, but I am not going up and down those stairs six times to wash clothes just to have wrinkles or pressures to wash when others weren’t using the machine. ARGH!!!

What else are we avoiding. Hmm, maybe I better look at the last bag of mail … How are we going to go away if we don’t know where the money is??? Shh, don’t say anything just going to try doing it. Ok, ok … that’s done … I haven’t done it for a long time. But, I did it. I went through a big bag of mail. I didn’t open most stuff, but I need to do something for my license and something else, I forgot. Ok, ok … were all good here. I paid the amount I owed on a bank account I closed. Pshwoo. That wasn’t too bad. How am I feeling? A little shaken. This is the first time in 3-4 years I think I went to the mail and looked at it AND took care of the little pressing things.

I checked my account balance it looks good, though obviously the check from yesterday didn’t clear yet. As soon as it does, I’ll make the normal payments to my accounts. Realistically, I pay for Social security overpayment, car insurance, cable, Aol is automatic, electric, rent, doctors, and should pay a hospital bill, and what else? Health insurance comes out of my check before seeing it. Hmm, I guess that’s it. Paid off my credit debt with Dell this week. We still have other things we pay for pharmacy, eating out, parking at the University, gas, smokes, laundry, groceries, web site, and incidentals (one time charges). I guess there are a lot of other people who could claim more problems. I’ve got to get situated. I want to be on-track again. Hmm, I remembered stamps at the grocery store too … that was good thinking. We have in mind trying to get out some hard mail to my Grandma. AND??? While I was in the kitchen, we found some fortune cookies! YAYYYY! I want to save the next one for V though. J He’s in line for good luck! WOW !!! He just signed on! Hoo WOOO

Ok, he just signed off was only here for a few minutes … the fortune said he had an unusual magnetic personality WOOOHOOO!

Ok, now its noon the day is getting along without us. Next, next … maybe stop smoking enough to do the walk. Anything while we’re waiting … well, I guess I could say we’re pretty intense here for the moment



I like never do bills … the walking and shower should help us calm down again. It’s a little scary in here. Let’s see we’ll pay $600 for regular 4 bills

Oh man oh man … I swear I am not going to do this again… Damn, but I have to. I went back into the kitchen and opened actual bills … I wanted to see how closely I came to having things paid up. So, then it was like ok … 870 rent gone out, 50 to Dr. M., gone out (auto payments), then cable 210, electric 225, car insurance 256.55, odd doctor 47, bank 65, SS payment 100, 200 groceries ok, ok all that is bad enough, but what I thought … was that I would make a payment finally on the medical center bills. There were odd ones, but I noticed they were all under the same account. The medical center now has a bill payment on line where you can look at your account. It said I owed $436.71. I was getting scared that the same thing would happen as did for Dr. M., and if I didn’t pay something I’d loose the Universities services. SOOOO, I thought I will make a $50 payment there too. Entered my bank card number … and the _(Q*#%&_*(#& thing, didn’t ask, but took from my card the whole _)&(_@#*$&_ amount, which would tip ANY SCALE OF JUSTICE!!! I didn’t have that much in the account to pay for all that! Really screws up my system. The other bills were already inflated because I had to make double payments. There was one tiny kickback in that the car insurance place didn’t allow for a partial payment last time, so it sent back the check for $200 I’d sent last time. BUT, that isn’t substantial enough. I am going to need depositing my extra check I had saved for the June trip. SHOOT, SHOOT … that makes me mad. I think … there will be enough money to leave a couple hundred in the account AND take out a sum maybe a cashiers check for $700 … I think I’m going to need go over the numbers one more time. That would at least salvage SOME money for the trip. Hotel will cost about $400 and car will cost $300. BUT, I won’t have any money saved for anything else L like gas, food, etc. D()*&_ D_)^&*.

Ok, ok … breatttttttthe! Let’s figure out damage control. Probably the most beneficial is that a whopper of a medical bill WILL be paid. This, however, doesn’t account for the money that they’ve already sent to collection. BUT, none of those people sent mail in this bag of mail the neighbor brough up and the bag represents about a month plus of bills. I believe as far as active medical center bills $436 pays them all and in consideration … before insurance company paid … it was like a $5,000 bill. THAT would have been extreme. I complain about paying $350 off the top of my check for health insurance, but I certainly could not do without. $350 represents 14.25 months payments to cover that one portion of the bill. Probably, well worth it. Shoot, that place is making a mint off me!

Tough break is that I just finished making $300 payment for medicine. Ok, ok … the good part is that it is over … and done with … and I don’t owe medical center, pharmacy, or Dell nothing. I don’t owe Comcast, comed, state farm, physician, bank, social security, or my rent management company anything. Still have to write out a $200 check for food, but that’s about it. AND, hopefully will still have $700 left for hotel and car rental. PLUS, I have $200 spending money (gas, smokes, etc) until next pay day, and I have $25 cash for clean clothes. We can do this, right??? This is the good stuff??? Paying off bills, I mean?? I’m being responsible, right?? D)(*^&_*(^.

BREATH LADY~!!!! Just worked the numbers again … I think I can do all that and still have $250 in the bank to get me through to the middle of May. That’s when I get another $350 after paying the rent bill again. Then there will be more bills again June. Let’s see … were pretty neurotic here about now. Food, cable, electric, car insurance, Dr. M, computer, social security, spending (smokes, gas, parking, etc) = $1000. Wow … That leaves me with $225. Can I travel 6 hours for $40 gas? How is that going now?? Let’s think $125 gas … leaves me with $100 food allowance while gone. BUT, I know they are going to hit me with an additional insurance on the car L Don’t think I can by extra car insurance AND food. 5 days out on food … that’s only $20 a day. Pshwoo. Not good. Sure wish that the med center hadn’t messed me up! I hate being this tight. I asked for my fair share of the trip though … and at this point … no way around it’s a $1,000 deal. Let’s make this feel better and say I’m going on vacation!

Actually one good thing is when I budged above the $1000, I had written into the smokes gas parking $300. That’s about $150 for smokes (over budget), and after parking once at Dr. M’s about $140 left toward gas money for the month. That could be like at least another $50 forwarded to the vacation money. To the extra money … that would put food and whatever at $150 or $30 a day … that’s a little better. Actually, there’s a continental breakfast each day and $30 would feel ok, BUT I’m on vacation … and might be do for a couple of stiff drinks! Think we’ll make it because the two days traveling we’ll eat somewhere cheap and won’t be drinking. Hehehehe Ok, one more consideration. It seems that that $350 we get after paying the rent bill … we could save maybe $50-100 toward the trip?? That mean no “fun stuff” and certainly our air conditioning in the car isn’t going to be fixed, nor is the sound card in our speakers. Hmm, better ask V to ask his son if that’s what needs to happen. We better leave that money alone and hope for the best. What this especially means is … NO MORE EATING OUT until the trip! *Sigh* I think though that we’re going to try to get back out to Jacobs once more for his school stuff … We better reserve $50 for that, BUT we have NO SPARE MONEY to GIVE HIM … REMEMBER!

Unless … I think the next semester’s book money will come in ………..NO … that’s for books! Ok, ok already. We’re going to do this … It’s just going to be tight! This is going to be done … with a clear conscious! We’re going to do this!



AND, everything we’ve done … had to be done!

BREAK!!! It’s about 2:30 now and we have to think forward to the next. School isn’t getting done, we haven’t walked, and no shower, so no going to the bank, the gas station, and to get kittie food! Hope they’ll be covered with the extra $5.00 left in petty cash. SHEESH!

Couple of more things. If we moved our weight down 12 pounds in the next 30 days. Let’s say to 262 … MAYBE our friend would consider helping us get a few more clothing items. I’ve wrecked one of my tops with blue ink from my pen, and I wrecked my jean skirt. The other skirt is still good, but I cannot be hoisting it back down to place as it pulls up over my tummy and tucks itself under my chest. I know I felt a whole lot better at 269 … 5 pounds more would feel pretty safe for the trip. Maybe what I could do next time I saw our friend would be to barter a clothing deal. If we reached 262, maybe I could get an extra outfit or two. A couple of days traveling clothes we have, and perhaps one more outfit would be suitable, but if we just replaced the jean skirt, and found one more outfit, we’d be ok for the trip. I think he’ll feel better, because by then he would have received about $400 past/future groceries moneys, so we’re not pushing him too much, PLUS since we’ll be focusing on diet, he won’t have to worry about taking us out for the month, OR that week we’re gone!

The other deal is computer. I think the whole deal is off, unless we get to take the laptop with us from work. I’m not sure how much school is going to be done, but I know that I could not survive 5 days without a computer! So, we figure whether Sister likes it or not, we’re taking the one from work with us. We’ve got a case that will work just fine. She has to be a little less neurotic, because I’m pretty sure, we’d go crazy without! H’mm … we’re going to need worrying about suitcase too. I think we actually have a big one the problem is that it’s not on wheels. Shoot, I guess there is nothing that can be done about that. If I can’t hoist it, that would mean bellboy service and that ISN’T in the budget. Hmm, I wonder if Macadam and Lee have a good suitcase? HEY YOU ALL INSIDE … remember a trip out into the community to eat is going to be a lot less then hotel food and drinks and you heard it … NO ROOM SERVICE!!!

D(*&() D*_(*&.

No reason we can’t afford on our budget though to get a little bit to drink?? I know I know it’s a business meeting. BUT, business people drink, I KNOW THAT!!! Oh, and you know what else? Someone STILL doesn’t have a driver’s license. Hard to rent a car without one. We did get a service that will pick us up and drop us off though … it turns out the place is only 2-3 miles away. That’s a beauty. Cuz, we’ll have to pick up the car on Saturday, and return the following. Maybe we should plan on getting something while we’re out in Ohio. Do Ohioans drink? Maybe a big vodka, Bloody Mary mix and orange juice WOOHOOO! V., you still here?? Sure, you wouldn’t want to still come out and split a room? We’d pay for the room, you mix the drinks. I know, I know … No, No, NO. BUT, I had to ask. It make an awfully interesting conversation to talk to sweetie pie about if you were to share the space hehehhehe!

Shoot, that was all pretty much a lot of thinking. I hope you were able to skim through the details. We’re a little obsessive about this kind of stuff. Needed to make sure, we were going to be ok. Sorry, about that. Ok, next. Eating before walking … or walking before eating? Or, we could skip eating altogether, since somebody’s still working off that buy 1 get 1 free cookie deal they place between the bank and the door. Shoot, that was pretty unnecessary! Ok, skip lunch … it’s almost 3 anyway. Walk, take shower, dry, and go do outside stuff. The rest will have to fall in place as it may. AND, we didn’t get to our Dr. M. thoughts. HMPF! Maybe that will be saved for that little time the hair is drying. Come on girls. You can do this. WALK!

We’re going forward in life … that SHOULD be our #1 Dr. M. thought!



*Sigh* Ok, here’s the new deal. We’ve made progress. Not as much as we would like, BUT we did get 9 minutes on the treadmill. Our back started hurting pretty bad though by 6 minutes, so we’ve lost some real ground here. We’re going to have to fight for it back, because that was the deal with the trip, that we were going to be able to walk 15 minutes at least to get ourselves around. And, then we took a shower. As we stepped out the phone started to ring. We called sweetie pie back when we stopped dripping. While we were already set for him to not be here, he had the bad news that he had picked up the flu. That meant not only were we really not going to see him, we have to worry over him not feeling good L My poor baby … he said he had just come back from a game where it had drizzled on him for 3 hours. Why does this happen?? He had to cancel his trip to his mothers and to see his son wrestle, and he was SUPPOSED to cancel me anyway … TOO much! He still has a half hour between here and his bed and he needs to pick up some warm pop. Shoot … this wasn’t the way it was supposed to work!
Whimper … V just checked out for the night. This is a rough spot for us … we’d just thought we were turning the corner too! Ok, ok … no reason to regress. We still have plans on the day … AND NO SYMPATHY EATING OUT! I know YOU!

Ok, where are we … It’s now 4 pm. No school work has been done, but we’ve made amazing breakthrough work with the bills and a little walking. Let’s for the record try another 9-10 minutes at about 7 pm. Just one little goal. Still have to wait for hair to dry. Hmm, go figure its raining out there. That might be self-defeating. Ok, let’s say no later than 5 pm … we go out. IF NOT SOONER!!! What do we have to do. 1) bank, laundry, pick up smokes, fill gas, go to drugstore to pick up wet cat food. Hmm, banks at the grocery store. Don’t think that’s going to happen – getting cat food there. You never know how long you’re going to stand, PLUS finding cat food aisle, AND standing in line for check-out … No way … 9 minutes standing is a stretch at this point. We could try to save a trip by seeing if the gas station has some wet cat food. I’m not real hopeful there, but we can hope. Drug store is a lot smaller and faster, but still an extra pressure with all the other walking. L I know the gas station has dried, but we already have that. Cats are like soooo mad at me. What else do I have to do … hmm, shoes, socks, pick up clothes and bag them, remember credit card and checks. Anything else?

Ok, that’s next brb … see if we can do clothes before needing a break. ARGH!

Pshwoo. Level hard – high! Two heavy white bags. Packed quite a few towels too. Set them by the back door. What else will I need to carry. Good, good stuff in our pocket except smokes … shoes on. Now breath. Take it easy. Gone to the washroom. Shoot do people go out EVERY weekend? Lordy. It’s a struggle. Remember four stops … bank, laundry, gas station, drug store. I gotta memorize this because we get confused out there sometimes. We’re driving to OHIO??? Who the hell planned that? Ok, ok … we can do this … be simple after we start, right? Got up and found one cat on the recliner and the other cat on the couch. They are both staring at me hard. Usually, they’ve ducked out back, but they are leaving a firm impression on my mind that they are not satisfied with the services! SHEEESH! I’m getting there! Need to rest the back again :(



This is how wired we are by now. You can’t tell, but we’re rocking. Hmm, case in point. It is now 4:30 pm. Usually take medicine about 5 pm. Most likely we’ll still be out then. Shouldn’t someone take the medicine now?? Hmm, good point. Maybe that would help. Hold on. Good. We look like a wild woman … Maybe we should tie back that hair?? Man … this is complicated!



There do we look like a real person now?? Ok, maybe one with a little attitude. But, we’re feeling pretty bothered by all this … It be at this point EASIER to go to school! Don’t you guys think it’s a little odd that I spend the whole day here talking to you? Hmm, should call my Grandmother today too. Ok, definitely after dinner. Just a frozen. Not really hungry yet. But, I haven’t had to walk past the darn Entenmanns’s! Ok, let’s just say this for instance …If you met this face, would she scare the hell out of you? Pshwoo. Ok, let’s practice not looking so scary. Rocking head back and forth trying not to look scary. I know that in itself even SOUNDS crazy! Someone left the music on from walking. Oldie station … I know, I know, I know, I know … ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…



There, we’ll wear that face out … that one shouldn’t scare anyone! Does anyone else go out there thinking, “I wonder if they can see me under the skin?” Can they tell my jaw is clenched shut, hoping to all get out no one stops and talks to me?? Can they see craziness behind the glasses. Remember smile … just a little … look nice like you would help the other out. Be ready to nod an easy hello. Ok, we’re waiting for a few more minutes just to let the medicine work. We can do this. Remember, bank, laundry, grocery store, drug store, and HOME!!! Dinner, remember? Treat! Oh Lordy, this is hard. I understand some people LIKE going out of their homes on the weekends. But, really? Do you ever hear me talking about going out there? No, not me! Umm, girls? Need I remind you if we wait much longer it is going to get dark? And, you all know how well we do driving in the dark?! Is that what you want?? Ok, ok … shhh, didn’t mean to scare you! Just saying is all. Hey, do you know if we pick up the laundry, we get a pickle! Remember … wasn’t that good? No, I don’t think that’s a good use of a perfectly nice pickle. AHEM…

7 minutes … Ok, I know … if you do all that, which would make you a very good Ann … we’ll skip the 7 pm walk! How’s that! SHHHH be nice.

Damn 5:01 … ok, troops, we’re moving … pack up them smokes … we’re hitting the road! Help me if you can I’m feeling down… YAYYYY Beatles! Help me please, won’t you please. AHEM enough! Go. That’s what V would say GOOOOOOOO!

Ok, ok touchy, touchy!

Wooo HOOO!!! We did it it’s now 6:03 pm … We were zoomin!



Hoo RAA! And, you know what?? The kitties said We mumble, mumble, mumble LOVE mumble you mumble, mumble, mumble don’t mumble do that again, mumble, mumble. They were umm, eating. Woohoo got a kitty now sitting by me nicely this time washing up after dinner! They are sooo goofy!

Shoot, I did it, I really did it! Schwooo. At the bank I was first in line and we flew past the Entenmanns. Hardly a glimpse! But, we forgot about the cashiers check and had to come back for it. He looked a little hesitant when we didn’t have an ID, but we passed his test, he gave us a special envelope, and didn’t charge us for the $1 fee. YAYYY, nice young man! We went over to that other laundry we were thinking about. But, the place was very busy, lit up and obviously only did dry cleaning. No way was I going in there, even if I did get a good parking space. The parking was terrible at my laundry. I had to squeeze to get the bags out, BUT they earned points for someone being at the cashiers. I’ll be danged if I EVER see the same person there. They must be the worst payers! This lady was nice enough and gave me 75 cents off for a wet towel. I don’t know what that was about. But, she didn’t bat an eyelash at telling me it was going to cost $23.00 … That’s the most I’ve been charged there. I know it was a heavy load, but that goes down as suspicious … did she write herself in a two dollar tip?? I made her write down the REAL hours they were open tomorrow. We’ll see, we’ll see. That was the deal breaker at the other place. They were closed on Sundays! TERRIBLE!

YAYYY Dinner is ready! Mumble, mumble, mumble…

The gas station wasn’t too busy and there we’re two girls working … another new one. I tried not to be afraid when I looked at the price of gas. Here she is 2.99.9 hmm. Obviously, they are trying not to threaten us with $3 gas. I have to figure out if I’m up to the new deal. Because of the smokes, I get $1 off gas, but I have to go wait in line so they can credit me, instead of just sticking in the credit card to the pump. I’m not sure if that’s such a deal. ESPECIALLY, since the price of smokes skyrocketed here. They are now $55 a carton … it was like an overnight jump of $9 a carton. I think there is something criminal about $1 discount at that kind of price and inconvenience! On their good side, they had canned kitty food. The price said 59 cents per … I thought ok, we know convenience high cost. But, then the lady charged us 69 cents per the 7 we bought, and we said nope nope nope. You have cost me $100 today, I want my 70 cents back! She was pretty ticked up and had to push about 3 minutes of buttons, but we held firm and unwavering. Hehehehe. The other cashier, the new one was nicer, but she complained about the new store, so she lost points there. My cartons are notoriously difficult to reach and 9 out of 10 times they need to use the high chair. But, this woman outweighed me by about 100 pounds. Didn’t think she was going up those steps. On the good side, she was determined to do it on her own. So, she pulled the bottom cartons and let a few drop on her head while grabbing mine from the top … good service! And, to win my service award of the day, after I apologized for the inconvenience of my brand, she said, “No, sorry, it’s not your fault.” BRAVO!!!

All in all I think good entertainment at the cost of $100. I’m not going to belabor the point this one trip was equivalent to 17% of my raise this year. Ok, girl … let it go … Everyone’s in this ship together! BOOO Bush and his oil-busting cronies!

On the other hand … dinners great! He used beef this time, and we added seasoning and leftover crunchy chow mein noodles … Wooo HOOO!!

Ok, half a smoke, then we’re going to call my Grandmother, I hope its not too late. Better, do that now right away. BRB. J

Woo HOO … back again. Yes, you can imagine by now this is an all day post. In all actuality, I don’t think I do that THIS much. It’s about 7:20 now and I figure I should go to bed pretty soon. It was very nice talking to our Grandma though. This time we talked a big portion on business, insurance, and politics. Hehehe that all ended with her saying well, we talked enough about the negative things, we can talk about something different!

I don’t think any of us no difficulty with insurance, until we become old. There is about 15 days left before seniors have to be enrolled in the new prescription programs, before they are penalized. I guess my mother is handling that for her. I called just a second ago, but she’s not in. So, I don’t know how that is going. Eh, I’m in a good mood, better that we stay on this keel. It probably shouldn’t surprise me, but my Grandmother is riding right beside us in our impressions of all the above. All three are out for the greenback, and while we’re here … let’s include oil tycoons with all that other mess. We laughed and laughed to her opinions on Bush. She sure does have a good picture on what is going on in life. I admire her a lot. To the point of saying, if I’m doing as well as she at the age of 97, then I will certainly have lived a blessed life.

It’s just so strange. I’ve never heard of someone who thought so much like me. It’s like we’d grown up parallel lives, but she is 50 years in front of me. Wow. Never did the math before. It be pretty amazing to think I could live another 50 years. With all our suicidal thoughts, I don’t think any of us really want to die. My Grandmother talked about her hearing aids and that one ear doesn’t work at all anymore, and in fact has a hole wear its worn through. I had to be told that its something that happens in age. Felt bad about that. There are so many things I most likely take for granite. Like the cost of hearing aids. She said she had paid $5,000 for them, and I could tell she was pretty miffed that they didn’t tell her the second one wouldn’t be able to cover her deafness in the one ear. I felt pretty mad about that altogether. It was like you hear about bad things and cons all the time, but you never want your own Grandmother to go through it. I feel that way right now about the cost of her medicines, and such particularly because she like most older people are on fixed incomes. I’m just glad at the moment, she doesn’t drive. Gas prices would eat her up! I’m pretty sure my car is mostly filled up, but I stopped her today at $40. Couldn’t mentally handle putting another drop in her.

I think one of the reasons that made my Grandmother be in such a good mood was that my Uncle was finally back from his vacation. Shoot, I remember something about England … where was he?? I remember hearing another country, just don’t remember which. Could he have been in China? Think she said they were 9 hours off … It Beijing would be 11. Australia closer to 9 hours. Hmm, I don’t know … well, at least SOMEWHERE on a cruise ship. I guess they didn’t have good weather, but they’re back catching up on bills and dirty laundry, and they’ll soon be headed for their summer place and their Grandson’s graduation. My Grandmother said something about getting more calls now. She said my elder uncle could call more often than once daily, every day, or maybe skip two or three days depending on what he is invested in. I feel grateful that he has taken care of his mother and related to her all along. I don’t think I like the thought of my mother calling her two to three weeks at a time, but then look how many years went by without me calling either of them. I guess I have to let that go.



Well, we’re coming pretty much to a close. I think by now, we’ve worn out our welcome here. Though we haven’t gotten to a place where we could think of Dr. M., nor not too much toward school. I don’t know why we chose paths of writing all day, rather than either of the two other, but I know it must be pretty severe, because we even chose bill paying over the other. That’s gotta be pretty desperate. It’s about 8 pm now. Interesting there is still at least one bird out there singing away … Missy has stopped by to complain about it and the fact, we haven’t gone to bed yet. I think the writing has helped us get through a good deal of stress. And for that, we are very grateful. And, we’re grateful that our fingers are so strong heheheh. AND, we’re grateful your eyes are strong and your tolerance in good shape!

Ahh, but here is where we finally fade off … nitey nite.

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/30/2006 05:17:00 AM Comments: 3

Ohio or Bust..

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/28/2006 10:04:00 PM Comments: 3

We had a Good Group Today

Ahh ... this is the unwind part of the week after the Thinking Group is over.

We had a great group today. We had someone pass out paper and colored pencils, and then they were to wait for instructions. Next we reviewd the letters (P)Personal, (S)Social, (A)Achievement, (C)Community, (L)Living. Then we had Four or five key questions that were asked on the performance analysis like, 1) What do you like? 2) What are you good at, 3) What do you need to learn, and 4) What are your goals? We started by having people raise their hands to answer the questions and then we told them to draw on paper what they had said, then when they were finished they came up and we stapled cards to match the pictures. And, soon people started to figure out what was going on, we said, go ahead work at your speeed. A car was for community because you couldn't drive in the living room, a picture of self was personal, family was living as was house, etc. We talked about it a little later, they told us which ones they had the most of and one client had one of each ... he had worked on it. There was one client who even came up to me and said which letters fit her pictures. Was like WOW!!! Very cool!

The person who had made the above picture wasn't as sure of the instructions, first he had thought to copy the cards, but he figured it out too. Two pictures of the pictures each won him a "P" as well as a picture of himself on the bottom center. BTW this male was an African American. The blue picture is a tennis racket that earned him an achievement picture, so then he drew the achievement award, and last he drew a picture of his friend so we gave him one for social. The exercise was just to help them learn what all the domains were we teach at the center. (Blogger Group test later! No cheating!) Think we're making headway! They had a very creative hour well spent. And, they left happy, which is the right thing to do - can we take our pictures home?? Yay its a Friday TGIF!!!!! Everybody be happy!!

And, you want to see something real beautiful,

This picture was drawn this afternoon by one of the lower functioning clients who's having a heck of a good time with color! Outstanding isn't it??!

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/28/2006 02:30:00 PM Comments: 2

Pretty Spacy ...

Good morning … just the regular me here … thinking there isn’t too much time to write this morning … only about 30 minutes. We’ve been over at V’s place having coffee … nice digs!

Last night was a Dr. M. appointment and we’ve gone past the first rung in trying to remember what happened. Pretty much just younger parts and the last was the only to cry for about 5 minutes. I’m not sure what to think of the session. There was so much regression with little to no ability to track conversations. It is easier to see what they are seeing than to hear them. For example, one part was looking at the carpet in front of us, another part took interested in a “jungle” her vision of three plants in the office, another part held our head down subserviently and the last part was holding onto the couch. She didn’t appear to want to let go. I know they were talking to him, but I don’t know at all what they were talking about. I have a sense of it being abstract.

Having trouble here because something in our minds trying to close down



Taking the picture helped break the “bad” concentration feeling trying to over power us. It usually comes as a warning for thinking about stuff other parts trying to control. I’ll lighten up … not sure if it isn’t too late feeling tired and cold suddenly. Ok, we can do this let me heat up the coffee again … maybe a blanket.

I remember the part where he walked us to the elevator. He moved some yellow tape across the doors, we were in the corner and scooted out fast when it stopped. We found ourselves locked in the bathroom. Not sure how long we were there. Remember thinking there were too many loud noises outside the door. Couldn’t move. I remember now something happened during the session and we couldn’t move there either and something about listening to sounds.

Shoot … closed down again for a few moments. Like going to a daydream, but you can’t figure out consciously what your mind was experiencing. Need to stretch shake it off … Guess we’re not going there this morning. Have smoke. Sip coffee. Look around, check email.

I don’t know where I was … Ahh Dr. M. I don’t think he’s a safe person yet. We did go to the appointment though … that’s important. Ack strong powers against thinking of him. Isn’t there something we could do that is safe? Damn keep shutting down. I have to think of other stuff if I’m to maintain consciousness. Nothing else seems to be as important though. Maybe if I sit here and just listen for a bit. Hear the traffic from distant highway, a few birds, the whirring of the computer, the sounds of the keys being pressed down … again that heaviness is on top of us. Try to shake it off. Damn … Just a few minutes left, but haven’t said anything relevant.

Double damn keep getting knocked out … startled to awareness thinking I dropped a cigarette that turned out to be in the ashtray. If I would have fallen it be a nose dive into my coffee.

Maybe I should look at that shower about now. Sorry, not much to read here today 

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/28/2006 06:26:00 AM Comments: 2

What Mom's do best...

Good morning. Before we get into something constructive … I have to take notice of one small thing. I know I had a little gray in my hair, but things seem to be getting out of control. That light hair on my right side past my nose seems to be really, really gray hair. While, I’d seen the little gray hair at the top before, I don’t seem to recall this other being here. And, the other side looks like its turning pretty quickly as well. This getting old isn’t something that should frighten me, right? It’s ok? Maybe I’ll get more mature? Ok, let’s not go that far. But, it is a little scary.

Enough of that. One day you’ll just wake up and I’ll be ANOTHER new person!

I wanted to take another moment to comment on one more thing … There was a lot of response to Tanner talking to us again. That meant a great deal to me. We tried to process more thoughts yesterday; I’ll tell you about how crazy our minds can get in a moment. Well, not real crazy, though maybe a little obsessive. *Sigh* Just happens that way … don’t know how to make it stop, so most often we just play out the hand.

The thoughts had turned between the two older boys. Particularly, because Tanner in his conversation talked about Macadam. I think what has happened is that Macadam is going to be let go of because he isn’t making enough money. I guess there are rules like that because at least where the boys work, they are being given salaries as well as benefits. I told Tanner that I had seen Macadam Easter weekend and that I thought he looked pretty bad. He was really stressed out. There is something about 30 days, but I think after that Macadam will be let go. Tanner seems to be at a very low base pay of about $20,000, but he’s ok, because he’s minimized expenses to be only $10,000 a year, so he’s got an extra $10,000 to play with. I was glad he was able to economize, he also traded his corvette for a more practical SUV. So, that was a good move to. I hate to see him losing so much of what he had had, but he seems much, much happier now that life is calmed itself down. He had had one year where he earned $2,850,000 and that’s pretty far out there, especially for a 22 year old. I hope that he is able to earn amounts that are more “fun,” but for now he says when he makes $1,500 in a day, he can appreciate it more. Gotta love the kid … Yeeks not so much a kid … he’s now a Happy Birthday 24 year old . In the meantime it was a wild ride with the other and an experience he’ll never forget … God bless him!

Macadam is at a $36,000, so that is the marker-point that kept turning around in my head as we drove to work. Because he has a family, he’s going to need getting into something that at least pays that much. I think it breaks down to he’s been getting $17-18 an hour, plus he’s earned up to an extra $6,000 a year on benefits. I thought, ok … let’s work on the first first. We know that Macadam is depressed, because he is telling us so, and he’s seen a doctor who is prescribing depression medication. So, there are three variables. He needs a job relatively fast, he needs to earn at least $36,000, AND very importantly, he has to take down the stress level. Because, I’m a mother … I started thinking how could we help. I didn’t want to see him get down because the reality is that the two older boys went down to the Board, before getting college educations. That’s going to hurt Macadam in the job market.

He held before the trade a position for about a year and a half with UPS as a supervisor, but even there, he was capped because he didn’t have a BA. He also worked in retail at Target as a supervisor … again capped, because no BA. At both of these places he worked very hard, and had odd hours and lots of stress for meeting quotas and management and co-workers weren’t always good to be dealing with. SOOOO, being a protective mother I though … hmm, I think Sr. still needs someone, maybe he can come work at our place!

Ok, ok …not sure what you’re all thinking here, but we’re asking you to play out our imagination. We’re going to step over the difficulty of a son accepting low rung in the social service field taking care of others on the poor side of town could mean as much as playing with the big boys downtown with only the goal to “make money,” but maybe that’s the point … what fun could it be only trying to make money?? Maybe its time he take a break and did something more meaningful to himself and others. The one thing we’re very sure of is if he took a job at the center, he would be loved every day by the people he was helping to take care of. That’s a great reduction in stress.

Then we had to think what he could do at our center that would make the job nice enough to hold him in consideration he probably would make any more than $20-22,000, which was going to be very tricky to convey to the sister, because our friend said regular DSPs were making less than $20,000. I think our bottom line was that he would need $22,000, because he’d probably lose a couple thousand on taxes if not insurance and we wanted him to at least break even at 20,000. That would put him at about a $13 hour. To make up for this loss of $17-18 per hour (keeping in mind no BA), we had in mind that whatever position we could develop for him, he could make the balance of his earnings through the same kind of work our sweetie does in officiating sports. Our friend says that they especially need volleyball reps and that went pretty much all year, although our friend has officiated basketball, football, and baseball. And, we’re pretty sure Macadam knows about all these sports as well. He’d still have to study and take the test, but Macadam has a good memory and a great interest in sports. AHA, see the drift here … Now we’re talking TWO part-time jobs and both are more relaxing. He loves his sports.
The way we calculated is that our friend said he could earn $50 for a couple hours work for each set of games. So, if he worked a game every night, and a couple over the weekend, he could earn another $17,000. Bringing him up to $39,000 a year, which is in the right price range. Or, $18.75 per hour.

I suppose he could officiate full time, but we figure that would be pretty boring, plus, plus, whatever else … Mom still wants her son to work with her! There are still the hours to be accounted for, but then that’s the beauty. If Macadam worked at the center, he could work from 7:30-2:30, be to his game by 3:30-4:00 and home by 6 pm. That wouldn’t stress out the system too much. AND, much like our friend, it would give him the chance to step out of the house for a little over the weekend, and he could choose each season more or less hours to accommodate the family time needs opposed to budget needs. It would still be a long day for him, but the clients at the center are usually easy to work with and they would start him as an official doing little kids games. LOW stress!

Ok, ok … so far the plan was working out in our minds. If Macadam was going to do anything for fun, it would be sports and I know he has the what it takes to call a good game. He is confident in what he can do and he was a great team supporter playing volleyball throughout high school. YAYYYY!!!

Next, part of the plan was working out a job that he would like to take and Sr. would like to hire him for … and of course, followed along my line of thinking for staff and program development. What I came up with was the job of a “Goal Coach.” We worked out the schedule right down to the minute.

7:30-8:15 Personal goals w/clients – 20 clients x 45 minutes per month
8:15-9:00 Personal goals w/clients – 20 clients x 45 minute per month
9:00-9:30 Recording and planning
9:30-11:30 Large Groups (there are 5 at the center) – 1 group x 2 hours per week
11:30-12:00 Lunch
12:00-12:30 Small Groups (5 people at a time) – 25 clients x 30 minutes per week
12:30-1:00 Small Groups (5 people at a time) – 25 clients x 30 minutes per week
1:00-1:30 Personal goals w/clients – 10 clients x 15 minutes per week
1:30-2:30 Recording and planning

See wallah! Each of the clients has 3 personal goals and by being with the clients each 45-60 minutes a month, he could regulate the goal process and during the off weeks the DSPs could continue their work, but doing it this way they’d be relieved of about 8+ hours each month of needing to directly supervise goals. Plus because he would take large groups 5 x 8 hours per month that would relieve more DSP stress. He would do things primarily large sports activities. During small groups he would spend 30 minutes a week with individuals x 5 and that time could be teaching socialization skills through small games and computer. People would need to learn getting along and following the rules. So, basically each client per month in either personal, small group, or large group x 50 people would each spend 10.75-11 hours with Macadam working directly on goal orientated tasks. I’d say that was definitely worth while to Sr. and the program.

So, next was figuring out if it would fly. I called Macadam first. I told him that Tanner was talking to me and had said that Macadam would probably be let go. Then I told him what I had in mind with a job prospect if he was interested. I only spent 2 minutes telling him basically about a Goal Coach position I was developing and the officiating. I then asked him if he was interested. He has one other job prospect, but Tanner didn’t think so much of it, but he said he would definitely consider the positions. Then we went to Sr. Tess, sat down and discussed the situation with her. She wouldn’t make any promises, but she said she would think it over. She kept the paper that I’d drawn out, but said something about waiting to see how this month played out, because she was going to need to give people raises. We walked out thinking YES! We’re in the door!

We looked over the chart for a little bit thinking what the value of this change would mean to the center and how things flowed. I could perceive Macadam making notes as he went along, explaining 1) what he did to progress the goals, 2) accomplishments made, and 3) what needed to be progressed next. I’m not sure yet how that document would be processed. A copy could go back to each of the DSPs and in so doing give Macadam a sort of leadership role over the tasks, because he would also be noting a large group and small group set of notes. The basic thing is though, he would be moving and we would be tracking progress. Maybe a set of each to go back to the Q’s. While I know that it is important the other Q get information on her clients, and be able to make suggestions, I would want to hold the key position, particularly, in that he would be using as his goal base the set of goal documents that I would be creating for all the clients through the Individual Performance Analysis reports. Then, of course, Macadam would be part of each of the staffings as a staff contributor.

The beauty of it is that we’d be making forward progress as a conjoined center process. He would be the glue that holds our now incongruous parts together. The other factor would be if the Q Assistant would keep making the Qnotes, so we’d start to have real consistency over the process. Cool, cool … now just have to be patient, bide my time and hope that everything fall in place. There are a huge ton of variables that I won’t have anything to do with. Sr. asked a question if he could instead be a DSP. My thought was ACK! Don’t stick him in that no man’s land of counting beads! But, instead we just left a note saying that Macadam was pretty smart and it be a shame to lose him in tedious tasks, when he could do so much as far as a motivational leader.

So, that was that.

Well, not quite. Because our Mom mode was on, we didn’t leave it there. We thought, you know this whole situation started because the older two boys haven’t had enough education. And, without that education, they were always going to be stuck, because they’d never be given the opportunity to crawl past middle management. I really, really didn’t want Macadam to be stuck all his life filling shelves with product, or sorting boxes on a conveyor line. I wanted something for them that would make a difference. BUT, just to leave him in this position would be no good either. He needed a means to improve himself, as well as Tanner, which meant going back to school. I decided it was time to take another look at what Capella had to offer toward BA degrees. Wooo HOOO. We figured it would be tougher on Macadam than Tanner, because Tanner would be working fewer hours. His older brother had to make almost twice as much money. Tanner still spends a lot of times with his games. BUT, Capella has a nice program, especially for Business Administration. They would still have to put in the time … 186 credits divided by 36 credits (6 per quarter), which meant a little over ouch … think we just calculated wrong … maybe 7-8 years. BUT, the thing is that in that amount time … by the time they reached 32-33 years old, they would have a degree and a lot more experience. Macadam would still be young enough to go into any business he chose. He’d have a good 5 year work resume and it would be in Goal-setting and goal-making. That has to be a plus in any manager’s books. PLUS, the thing was since they were in such a routine of going to school, they might stick around for an MBA, which put them back in the higher echelon I think they both would belong. In that train they would each need to go a couple of years longer. Wouldn’t be too bad off being 35 with an MBA. Very doable! They’d have to both buy into that kind of structuring of their life. I think they would both enjoy the courses … for the BA they’d still take 2 ½ years to get done the gen ed. Classes, but it is in keeping in line with a regular college. I think though that there are more courses for business than seems to be in a normal school, though maybe I’m wrong.

They would also have to deal with the money portion. It would cost them 7-8,000 per year to do this. While it would be nice to think the Grandmother would contribute something like she had said she would do before, I think she gave at least macadam $10,000 instead, which was the money he used to put down on his first condo. So, they might both be out of her financial graces and have to take a substantial student loan. If, they carried all the way through MBA, it would represent about $70,000. BUT, that’s for about 10 years of study. Is it worth it? I’m not sure … There father and I paid on the 10 year plan. The boys would need to pay $72,800 minimum for both degrees each, which would be 7,280 per year divided by 12 months … that’s $600 a month. Pretty steep, but if you had an MBA you might be making enough to afford that and by the time they were 45, they would be paid up. Hmm, a lot to think about. BUT, it is a good life to think about! I haven’t felt so much hope in a very long time.

There is one more aspect … although I think Tanner could learn to adapt playing computer games AND going to school. It would mean that Macadam would be leaving the house at 6:30 and getting back about 6:30. He would have to put in about 12-15 additional hours toward school. The question would be … would his families lifestyle permit this. I know it is to all their advantage to have the program no farther away than his computer room. He supported his wife as she completed her BA degree. AND, I know this is something Macadam has always wanted and that he and Tanner have even talked about going back to school together. I don’t know … but I think … it sure would be neat!

WOOO HOOOO!!! This is what Mom’s do best!

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/27/2006 06:33:00 AM Comments: 4

Something happened.... something good.

Oh my gosh. I’m sorry … I don’t mean to be here all the time, but something just happened. Something that is very good. I’m not sure I understand all, but I feel it somewhere inside me I feel it, even though I’m not very sure how I should feel. My son, my middle son, Tanner, is talking to me again. Oh my God … it’s been a long couple of years where he couldn’t do that. I feel somehow I must be in shock, I didn’t know how to respond proper.

I had taken a chance and called him. Today is his birthday. And, I said, I just want to wish you a Happy Birthday. But, then he was like talking. He talked about going back to work with a different attitude and that he was living with his girl friend in the city in a separate floor of a two-flat with the girl’s mother. I was aware that he had left his company for a couple of months and had gone back, and that he’d moved, but I didn’t know he would talk to me. I said after he had stopped, that I didn’t want to take advantage of the situation, but he said that it was ok, I could call anytime, that he had not been looking at life clearly. He might have said a few other things, but this is the part I can remember. My son hasn’t talked to me for the better part of two years and now he’s talking to me.

I don’t know what to do or think about this. I’ve got to try not getting weird about it. Take a deep breath. It’s going to be ok … everything is going to be ok.

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/25/2006 01:57:00 PM Comments: 10

Coming Out of the Closet

Good morning. Thanks Nikki, Deb, and V. your faith in us helps. I think you’ve all been around long enough to know we go through these ups and downs frequently enough, especially these last two to three months. I think yesterday was some kind of turning point in that for a while, not afterward, but for a while we were confronting some of the anger we’ve been trying not to express to Dr. M. We were saying, “is more than just unfair, to take away services I need. It is the wrong thing to do. The only choice I am given is to take no services at all. It is like saying, "Here's the deal, we are going to give you a very bad situation, or we could make it worse."

The turning point is that there was a sense of at least fighting back. We had wanted to talk to someone about the financial situation, especially the person that had made the choice to reduce the majority of our services. We hadn’t felt like we’d been given reasonable options, warning, or the opportunity to mediate the situation within the last months or possibly a year. And we said that we certainly weren’t given any notice of how dangerous the situation had become, nor did we feel that Dr. M. had helped us to reach a safe conclusion prior to the stopping of the majority of the service.

At this point we’re down again and I’m not sure how well we would do in fighting back. Pretty much think that their financial people would squash every hope … basically, by saying, “No … we gave you a chance, you blew it, tough luck.” There is no hope that Dr. M. would stand up for my needing services, because I think in his position he always has to back whatever the hospital says. Most likely he also agrees with them. Who wouldn’t want to get paid for his services? I think the hospital still paid him literally, but they’ve taken a loss on me. They are fairly quick in handing the unpaid accounts over to credit agencies and they’ve done this so that the creditors have divided my payments so to make payments of one they want payments of all instead of grouping them together so I can make one fair payment. The hospital does it the same way. I could pay one substantial sum, but they all want a substantial sum and there are too many accounts to do this … at best I’d be able to pay minimum on the majority. I think. I don’t know how many bills I have and when we asked Dr. M. for a social worker, he hadn’t thought it would work.

I don’t know this is about as much as I dare say now … can only do it so long before my brain starts falling apart again. I think the strongest part in our mind that is helping us through the ideation is the part that doesn’t want to mess up at school. But, often that leaves us feeling between rock and a hard place, because we’re just sitting on the edge of our own personal disaster and we’re not able to climb out without slipping back down the slope. Yesterday, we thought our going to school were being threatened, but that didn’t happen until all the rest, and by that time we were too tired and confused to process it. It still might be we’re not sure. Now, this morning we just feel the heaviness of it all. We have the feeling of impending doom.

We started processing thoughts about the blogs. I guess the feeling was that if the school, the hospital, or Dr. M. ever wanted to hurt us that they’d be able to use my blogs against us. I’ve been feeling the same way in relating to my Grandmother as far as a few of the other relatives were concerned, it would be very easy to find me on the web. I know it could be done by entering my name, or my screen name. I know between them that both uncles and a couple of cousins along with my brother/sister, or maybe even my mother could do it, though I’ve rested more easily in the past, because I’ve thought there would be little interest. I think I represent a threat to their way of thinking because of my interest in spending time with my grandmother. I don’t know how much of these concerns are paranoid, and how much are related to facing facts.

I’ve learned over time to be more proud of ourselves and accepting of our thoughts. But, I think by others standards; I could be proven to be a “bad” person. I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t think I’d survive without the medium of our blogs. It has helped in the past to know that periodically supportive people like you will stop by to read them, but the most important part is that I am able to write whatever comes to mind and the sum total of it explains my presence here on Earth. I feel connected because of the Internet and I feel appreciative that no matter where I am I can find the me that I’ve come to be; for good or bad.

We’ve just put in for another sick day at work. We wrote Sr. saying:

I need to give the medicine a chance to work today. In the past its usually adjusted within a couple of days. However, this doesn't mean that I shouldn't be working today. I need to focus. I brought the CARF material home with me. I still have the goal that it can be finished today. Just don't think I will be able to focus on it and dealing with so many other variables at work. I figure that it's better for the center if I don't be there on my more emotional days. I will start the CARF work at 7:30 am and commit myself to it through it for the day.

Shoot, we sure do take off a lot of days.  I don’t know how else to do it though … can’t be at work with so many negative emotions. I want to be very serious where CARF is involved … I did well doing the work here before and in about an hour and a half, we’re going to need focusing on it again. So, I’ve got to plan for that now. I hold only loosely in my thoughts that Dr. M. would respond back to us by email. Most likely, he will wait until Thursday, so that whole mess is going to be open in my mind for several days. Maybe later we can get it processed to somewhere safer.

Sitting back for a few moments listening to the sounds of the day. I had realized that light had come up in back of me. Now, the garbage trucks are picking up across the street. It’s about 6 am. so I guess that means the day has really started. I will still wait for about 45 minutes before taking the medicine. I don’t want that to be off skeltered any more than it has been. Ahh, now it is quieter, the trucks gone off down the street. Looking at the quick capture devise I always keep running, I don’t look much different than I had when I first signed on. I feel a kind of hopelessness. Need to look around the corner of our eyes for our sense of determination.



This is a person despite all the rest that intends to do something with her life. I need to get past the parts that feel we’re not going to make it.

We talked to my Grandmother again a couple of days ago. She had talked about her 95th birthday party up at the lake where my uncle has his summer home. It was a pretty big deal from what I understand. She said that she wouldn’t like to celebrate like that every year, but I took it that it meant quite a lot to her when it happened. There were many people at the event including family and friends. I think those kind of things where there are large groups of people are tiring for her, and she’s always been sensitive toward people spending too much attention on her. She is a very modest woman. She talked also about the celebrations for birthdays at her center. There had just been a party for one of her friends. She said that when the families come in there are sometimes bigger celebrations and people throughout the center are invited to come down and share cake and ice cream, or whatever the family brought in. The center itself holds birthday parties for all the people born of each month. So, I think in general there is a lot of celebrating life that goes on. This is the cool stuff!

I asked this time if she minded that sometimes after I talk to her, I write about her here. She said she didn’t mind. I had asked after she had talked for a spell about the younger family members sometimes coming to her to ask about the older times, especially for the school assignments. One of my cousin’s kids had come in and brought a tape recorder and his mother took pictures of some of the old pictures that she keeps. She was very proud to say that he had gotten an “A” on the assignment. Later, I had asked her about the pictures and paper that I had sent her in the envelope. She seemed hesitant to mention it and hadn’t brought it up on her own. She talked about the paper as being somewhat past her abilities, which made us feel kind of sad. We hadn’t thought of that. She said that she could read it in parts, but I didn’t have an understanding that she had finished. She didn’t say anything about the pictures.

She did however talk as if to excuse herself. She said that both her and my Grandfather had only gotten 8th grade educations and that her mother had only received a 4th grade education. She said that it was different growing up on the farm and that schools were usually held in the cities, so a farming family had to send there kids away to get an education. And, that how it often happened was that the families would drop their child at the school or with relatives and friends on Sunday night and then come to pick them up on the following Friday. Somehow, my great Aunt had gotten further. She not only finished high school, she went to college and became a teacher. I had the impression that my Great Grandfather had died sometime around the age of 17 or so, in that my Grandmother said her mother sold the farm and got a place in town. I know only of this Grandfather that he’d owned a local store and had built a one room school house that I had the opportunity to see when I was about 10.

I had know just fairly recently that my Grandmother was a seamstress in a state institution for people who were mentally retarded. This last time I found that she had held a job with the state for over 20 years, up until the time she had met my Grandfather. During that time she had worked her way up to more of what we’d considered a management position today. She was in charge of all the seamstresses and I know she did some cooking as well. She said the other day that she was one of three sisters who lived most of their young adulthood with their mother. She said that the state had given some a place to live at their facility, but for the ones who lived elsewhere, they were given a matching sum of money and that was the money my Grandmother gave her Mother toward costs. I had the impression that the other girls gave in the same manner.

I had made an exclamation at some point, I think at hearing the education levels, that I had not known any of these things. My Grandmother’s first statement was, of course, you were a long way from being born yet! That made me laugh and laugh. Then she said, there is a great deal I don’t know about, or anyone knows about for that matter. I don’t recall how direct I was, but I think I was able to express, that I wanted to know about her. I told her that the most important thing I do is my writing. I think that’s when I told her about the blog.

We didn’t talk too long, because I didn’t want to tire her. She is still dealing with blood loss. She said that she hadn’t been sleeping well for a while. She goes to bed and will sometimes get up a couple of times during the night and be up a spell. She worried that maybe she was napping too much during the day, but felt at those times, she was very tired and needed the nap. I know that my Grandmother can write, because she writes out each year birthday and Christmas letters that go out with her card. She has in addition given me $100 dollar checks for as long as I can remember being an adult. Each year I think no, don’t take it, because it is about time that she shouldn’t be paying me, but there has never been a year where I wasn’t touched by the gesture, no matter how separated from the family I’ve felt. As well, not too many years have gone by where receiving a $100 free money wasn’t a pretty big deal.

I know though that writing is hard for her in that her hands have arthritis. She says she was never a writer, she was a sewer, and that is what she did for the majority of her life. I think that is pretty cool. I don’t know if she looked into the pictures well enough to see that behind me underneath the TV, I have kept the treadle sewing machine that was at one time my Great Grandmother’s. I’ve moved over a couple dozen times in my adult life, but the sewing machine always gets a predominant place in the house. I know if I were to bring it to her attention, she would say, “You still have that old thing?” And, we would proudly say “Yep!” But, I know within my heart that it pleases her. I think I am the only Granddaughter that didn’t pick up sewing. I’d been given the machine about 12 years old because I had been so much interested in it. I used to place paper where the cloth would go and practice sewing straight lines with the needle going in and out of the paper. Later, I used it to sew my Barbie doll clothes. I had gotten a fancy sewing machine sometime while we were still living in the big Victorian. It had 54 windows that needed curtains. I took care of the task, but never sewed another thing. Later when my sister indicated a need for a nice machine, I gave her the fancy one. It wasn’t my intention at the time that she keep it, but sometimes that’s how it happens. I’m pretty sure she used it quite frequently with her projects and most like wore the thing out. That’s ok. It was more important to keep my Grandmothers’ old sewing machine.

Just took a break. I filled up my coffee, went to the washroom, took my medicine and put some breakfast in the microwave. I figure this is doing pretty good. Oh, I also put on some old wool stockings. The thermometer says its only 38 and there are frost warnings out for tonight. Brrr.

I like the idea of writing my Grandma’s story as she sees fit to give it to me into my own blog. I’m trying to think a little of that now. I know psychologically, it would be a good thing for both of us. I don’t know if its not selfish. But, I don’t know or want to know the rest of the family except through my Grandmother’s thoughts. They might be interested in reading it someday if we were allowed to progress it enough, but then they’d have to siphon through my story too? I would like my Grandmother’s story to stand out in its own right, but I’ve known so little of her over the past 25 years that it wouldn’t be fair to think I would be the best one to write about her. But, then again, the others have known her over these last 25 years, and haven’t picked up the value of doing it themselves, or perhaps weren’t writers. I don’t know if I really qualify for a writer myself, especially since I’ve chosen the medium of writing about her in my blog.

Shoot, those are all confusing things. Maybe it is best to say right now … that I don’t or shouldn’t have to worry about being the only one who has taken this lead. I guess I need to do it from my perspective, because I don’t know the perspectives of my relatives. I suppose that if I ever was to write a story entirely about my grandmother in the form of a book, I would have to use the “notes” I’ve taken from now and memory, and to interview others in the family. I suppose that would be the fairest thing to do. Because my Grandmother is bigger than just the thoughts, I can process about her on my own. Or, if anyone else would feel more capable of the challenge I could give them access to my writing.

I think the only other one in the family who could do it would be my cousin Meg. That’s not her real name, but she’s a real person. I don’t want to get in trouble with any particular individuals writing directly about them.

Whoops … had to break here. Sr. sent us back a note reminding us that today was the behavior management meeting. So, we wrote a brief analysis where we thought all of our clients were. It’s the best that I can do. I think my notes are very good, but they are going to find out that I do not have the minutes from the meeting in the notebook. Yeeks. Don’t know what to do about that … they just aren’t done. They can make do and someone else can take minutes this time. No one is indispensable. Life as we know it won’t crumble beneath us. Hmm, that’s pretty good thinking on our part. We need to remember that in general. V. said something yesterday in one of his comments. In all reality, all considered, we actually are doing pretty well. Little yayyy.

We’re about here, right now.



We seem to be calmer now and more intent than we had before. I’m going to need getting serious pretty soon with the CARF work, but I want to finish wherever we had been before the note from Sr. Need to reread a bit.

Ahh we were going to say something about Meg. She is the oldest daughter of the elder Uncle from Los Vegas. I think if I remember correctly this last time my grandmother said she’s living in Virgina, I might have this confused because I thought she said my younger uncle’s kids were living in Virgina too. Hopefully, this will come up soon enough so I can clarify it in my mind. I had known pretty well this particular cousin growing up. I was closest to her and her older brother. Meg’s husband is still in the air force and she has two sons, one I think who is going to college this year, I’m not sure. I have to do a better job of writing things down when I can still remember them. She is the one who just visited my Grandmother last week and had left the Easter dinner.

Meg, her younger brother, most likely her younger sister, and my two siblings finished college. I’m not sure if my younger Uncle’s kids did … I have never known them because they always lived out of town. That Uncle most likely has step-children too, but I am not aware of all that. Just that he married a second woman after a divorce of the Aunt that I knew. I don’t know barely anything about them. My brother and cousin Meg have gone on to complete the most education. My brother did whatever it took to be an ordained Lutheran minister. I think it took an additional 2-3 years of college, but I don’t believe he holds a master’s or doctorate. Meg holds a Masters I believe in physical therapy. She seems to work a couple of days a week and is home during the time her boys are home.
I am very certain, my brother, or sister for that matter would ever take the time out to write, especially about someone else. I don’t know my elder Uncle’s younger son, but I think he graduated with marine biology. I really don’t have good information to know if he went on to further education. His career might have depended on it. I think this cousin is the one who most likely is required to travel the most, though I am really not aware of what he does. I don’t have any information to lead me to think he would write about my Grandmother. Most likely he is smart enough, and I know he’s always done his best to help my Grandmother, but I think his family interests take him in other directions. I don’t know enough about these cousins to know if their younger sister would be interested or able. Because the family is in general educated, I can only assume that she is as well. The other three cousins I know of are not college educated. This doesn’t mean they couldn’t write, just that I don’t think writing is important to any of them.

Hmm, maybe if I outlined this better. Hold on …



Ahh, that’s better. As a reference I am 46, so most likely the age range of the cousins is now 48 to 38. Wow, we’re a bunch of old people! My mother would be 65. I think the older uncle might be about 4 years older than her, but maybe up to 7 years older, so anywhere between 69 and 72 years of age. The youngest Uncle might be I’m not sure maybe about 4 years younger making him about 61 years of age. That sounds about right. No science here … it was about 25 years I’ve been in touch with most of these people although, before we went away to college, we had known all our cousins, except Corrine and Jack fairly well. The families used to get together for holidays, some birthdays, and then at my Elder Uncles summer home. I’m not familiar with the one he has now, although it is on the lake I remember, and I think in total there are three summer places, two belonging to my Elder Uncle, and maybe one belonging to Meg.

I don’t know the relationship of the Younger Uncle and his family, though I think he lives maybe in Indiana. I don’t know their visiting patterns. My elder Uncle gets together with family with a fair amount of frequency given that they all live in different states. I think the summer homes are a meeting place, and in the past my Grandmother would join them for 3-4 weeks. I don’t know if the youngest Uncle joins much the WI Lake people, but I’m sure my mother, her husband, my brother and sister have all joined that group along the way although, a fraction of the time, my Uncles family gets together. To my understanding my Brother, Mike and Fran are the only ones who’ve gotten remarried of our generation, and I most likely am the only one divorced who did not remarry. Hmm, that’s interesting never thought of it like that before. I like being a loner!

My Grandmother’s Great grandchildren would be even harder to pin down. And, she now has great Grandchildren – At least three by my sons who are the eldest of the Great Grandchildren. I think it goes something like this Mike has one natural son, Jeff has one natural daughter, Meg has two sons, I have three sons, Jim might have like 3 daughters (really not sure), Trudy has one son, Fran has three sons, and I have no idea on the youngest four cousins. I guess in general having three kids was pretty much maxing out any of our family’s systems. I think the next generation of great Grandchildren are getting ready to just enter college. My understanding is that four of them might be going this next year. That would make it highly likely that my younger uncle’s kids graduated college too. No reason why not to believe that.

Oh man. Just looked at the time … I had glanced up at the email to discover our sweetie had left a message along with the Microsoft representative I’ve been working unsatisfactorily with. You know the people who want to serve me at a cost of $105 without service. He thinks that he’s still working on the computer problem that was fixed prior to his first email, which didn’t come until 3 days after I was told it would be here. Then, he left a message with the same phone number I lost the first two $35 to. He said call that number and I would get a refund. Why the H*** would ANYone call that number, especially since I’ve been gypted three previous times in a row! YEEKS. Anyway, we sent him back another email. He said he would stick with us to the end because customer satisfaction is his #1 goal. We shall see.



Ok, need to give ourselves another deadline. Let’s say I HAVE to finish up this post in the next 22 minutes. K … We set the timer … This is something that we really have to do, although don’t want to do naturally. It is kind of peculiar waking up to think of yourself as part of a family. I’m not sure what they meaning my Grandmother and Mother, or two siblings have told the rest of the family about me. I’m pretty sure they all know that I divorced and never married. But, I don’t know if they knew what my job was, or how “sick” I really am. I’m pretty sure they know I have some mental illness, though if any, I’m thinking they only know about the depression and not the multiplicity. But, I could be wrong. I am pretty sure they know that financially, I just make ends meet. That was probably more important than how I was doing. I think we’ve been living under my Mother’s reports to them and her and my Grandmother have agreed about how much and what to put out. Usually, what I see or hear about is a comment such as … well, we just don’t know too much about that one. We haven’t heard from her in a long time. Then I suppose it would be up to each to puzzle together what may have happened.

I was at my Great Aunt’s funeral about five years ago where I saw my elder uncle. He made a comment along with great laughter while standing at the gravesite in saying he had never laughed so hard as in my embarrassment when up at the lake, my mother was drunk and “whipped off her top.” To this day, I find this remembrance critically difficult to bear. If after not talking for 20 years, this is what he remembered of me, then I would think he is just as intolerable now as he was then. Again, I will listen and write about what my Grandmother has to say, but I don’t want to meet these people. I have no idea who they’ve turned out to be. There is some small sense that I might still like my cousin Mike. He was the only one from that side of the family to come to my father’s and Sandy’s funeral. I remember him looking very different from whom I had known, and that I tried to keep up his conversation to some degree, but the situation was much too strange. I maintained a distance to all, except Sandy during my father’s funeral. Then, of course, three months later she had died. There was no one at that point I wanted to get back to.

I’ve tried to put the past behind us. It no longer matters. Whether I get to know these people or not will depend on if they are willing to be known and aren’t just people I wouldn’t want to associate with. The difficulty is that I have problems with a lot of negative messages bombarding me all at once. Obviously, we stay too close to suicidal ideations to maintain ourselves up and against the family’s strength. In the past we’ve argued that they have no interest of me, and that we’re quite sure they are happy about the character they now most likely have designated me to. In summary, I didn’t feel very important to these people, other than my Grandmother before, and I think I am no more important to them today. Where the family had been threatening, I have no reason to believe this has changed. They still seem dangerous to me. THOUGH, in taking a stand of letting that go, I have to let go of that fear. First, because most people change, I’d like to think most people change for the better, and I do not any longer have to think of myself as being lesser in all great respect.

Unfortunately, I most likely don’t have the stamina to put myself up in front of them. I’m not sure though what they will think after my Grandmother lets them know I’ve started to take an interest in her. I’ve always been interested in my Grandmother, I think if there ever was a blacksheep I am it. I am much more comfortable with the standards that I have set as an adult, especially through the help of counseling, and then I was with the standards I was raised in my childhood. I know the family is relatively intelligent, I don’t believe I have ever been held in respect by them for being me, whoever me is. It was too easy back then to make me the butt of their jokes, as my elder Uncle had done again at my great aunt’s funeral. But, if I stayed only in that position, I would miss my Grandmother’s remaining time on this Earth. Beside her ready association to all the others, she never raised a hand to me, nor yelled, although often enough made to feel guilty. Her scolding was more in the form of telling me how I’d upset someone or something in the system. She was always aware of her role as a dominant other to all within the family. I didn’t always fit in, for example, none of them would discuss anything negative about my mother. So, during all the years of being beaten by her, we remained one of hers, and in that respect it was accepted.

I think my elder uncle raised his kids differently. My aunt wasn’t someone to beat on kids. They talked in their family, and I don’t think any of them were ever given a reason to rebel. But, there was a great amount of competition amongst my mother’s brother’s and sister’s who was successful, who were not, whose kids did better, which kids did not. I think each one individually wanted my Grandmothers love and respect. This is something maybe that was bred in, maybe not. There’s no way to tell. I know I’m going to need handling my elder uncles situation to some degree or another. He is still other than my Grandmother, the families strongest character and head of the family. He’s been on a cruise, I’m hoping that when he returns and hears about the calls, I will continue to be insignificant to him. I really don’t want to be involved, especially with our relative instability in holding our own without parts from adapting to one another. I would step back from the family again rather than to be taken down by them consciously, or unconsciously.

Ok, ok … better end. Someone really needs to get some work done and we’re at a good breaking point here. But, these are the thoughts that have come up in our minds since thinking about being in a position to write about my Grandmother. I don’t think it can be done without talking about this family. Therapeutically for me, it is probably a good thing to accept I am who I am, and have thought as I might. I won’t apologize for this, but I’m at least opening the door to accepting the value of my Grandmother’s life. Maybe more importantly I respect the value of my life. I wish I didn’t have to go through the range of emotions as we expressed at the beginning of this post. But, for whatever it is I have come to be the person I am because of this family, my family, my work, school, and friends. Most importantly, I’ve come to be me through 22 years of being treated by the psychologists and psychiatrists, although, it seems like that period of my life is waning. I guess we have to wait and see what is to happen next. I appreciate all that keep coming back and reading these long dialogues of conversation we have. I know that my posts are longer than most, and I don’t often get out reciprocating the favor. But, for whatever it is worth, I feel more myself sitting here as I have this morning, than any other part of my life. Most likely because it allows us to merge together all that are part of us, so that we can get to know one another and the totality of our minds. No. I don’t think we are crazy.

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/25/2006 10:28:00 AM Comments: 3