Ayn's Multiple World

Always the start of a brand new day

Good morning. This is me from work central. I’m back after being gone yesterday at a meeting south-west of the center. I had forgotten about the meeting. I drove to the center as normal yesterday and then I had sat down at the computer, but the phone kept ringing and ringing. I looked at the name ID and saw it was one of our crabbier parents, but I know what consternation it causes up front when I pick up back here. The pecking order is that Rosa does the phones (secretary) and then sister would pick it up next, then Holly and then Robin or Kim in Group 1. Those are all the “up-front” people. The middle-landers are Cathy and Stephanie, Theresa and Maria, and then the “back” people are Carla, Rich and me. I guess if there was a next person to pick it up over all those it would be me, but I don’t like to get snapped at when someone else was “just about” to pick it up.

After about 25 rings, I figured I better walk up front to make sure it was ok. I met poor Maria and Theresa in the hall. Apparently Maria was in charge. At the time nobody was here as staff except Maria, Theresa and me. FINALLY, Maria had picked up the phone, but she usually doesn’t so was a bit frazzled as well as needing to watch over three rooms in opposite directions. I asked her where Robyn was and she said she’s at a meeting with you. I said no she isn’t because I’m here and she wasn’t, but then it dawned on me that we were supposed to go to that meeting in Tinley Park – so I sighed, gathered my stuff and headed out.

I had an hour to get there before it started, but I wasn’t dressed for a meeting.

So I went home and changed first and then got to the meeting a half an hour late.

It was ok, because it was an all day meeting and I didn’t think too much had been covered. Just 4 slides. Rich had been home, but showered and dressed when I came in. We just talked for a few moments before I headed back out. Sort of smooch and run!

I’d been to the hotel before for meetings, so I knew where it was. That was a good thing. There weren’t very many chairs left, so I gathered my nerve and asked firmly that one lady move her purse. Hmpf! Robyn was a couple rows in back of me, but we were in a good location because we were in the center of the room on the right half – two rows back and two chairs over. Couldn’t have picked a better spot other than the chair next to me on the aisle.

The presentation went pretty well. There was an audience of 200. They probably turned people down due to lack of space. The room couldn’t have held any more, but it was a good room. The speaker “Ms. Doyle” was very entertaining. Though after I got home and Rich asked me how it was I found myself complaining quite a bit. I sat there and smiled and felt fairly upbeat throughout the meeting, but the mood didn’t last. By the time I got to poor Rich we were just in a bad mood. I think we were tired and a little out of place.

Robyn was good company and we had lunch together and caught up on some stuff and then we went out for a drink at the hotel before she had to leave a couple of hours later to go bowling with friends. I had asked her first if she wanted to go out and it turned out she had those couple hours to kill so that worked out. We had a good time, but then too we found ourselves complainy even about that after we were next to Rich giving him a full update.

I think if I were to label one thing … it would have been that Robyn told me that Holly had become engaged to the guy that came in to meet her from England. I think I responded fairly well in asking questions and talking about that, but it didn’t seem that Robyn had a whole lot of information. But, it seemed to make sense from sister’s earlier comment about Holly being boy crazy and that she was spending a lot of time visiting staff.

I remember my last meeting with Holly last Friday. She had wanted to switch dates for Robyn so that I would have her 3 weeks in a row, and then she’d get her the next two instead of every other week. I was in a cranky mood so I said no. I didn’t want to be inconvenienced and I felt better following through as should naturally happen that Holly put out a days’ worth of work for Robyn for the day she has Holly. I didn’t want to suffer through 3 weeks of not getting her and I didn’t think it would be so valuable that Holly have Robyn for a couple of weeks after she got back because it would be all gossip time, and I didn’t want the schedule out of whack.

It might have worked out better because my sister will be here next week when Robyn is due to be back in my office taking up space. It would have been better to have the place emptier, but then I’d already staked my space. I was also crabby because Holly sent Robyn back to my office to tell me I would need to change dates. I said you can go back and tell Holly if she wants to talk to me it should be directly. So then the next thing I was in thinking group planning to leave 1 moment after for my sisters, and Holly came in and made a statement sounding like you read my note?

I was like WHAT note! She said she left it in my mail. I said I had no time to read it and that I was heading out. I was cranky because she was going out of her way to avoid me. So then she stormed out and got the note and shoved it in my face. It was something to do with her mind’s practicality of switching dates. I was too far gone by then to even read the note, because I felt pushed. I had Holly being nasty and a full room of people waiting for group to start. So, I just said I can’t be bothered with this now – everything stays as it was … you’ll just have to line some work up for Robyn.

Holly left in a huff. I didn’t really care. All I know was she was trying to convenience her life, by mucking around in mine and I didn’t want anything to do. I did not feel accommodating.

Now that I know all this other stuff about her getting married and sister’s comments on her visiting and not doing work, I can imagine how I frustrated her, by forcing the issue that she have work ready for Robyn. So be it … is all I thought.

Robyn knew that the guy had proposed during his time here and that he was younger and supposed to move here from England where they could stay at Holly’s Mom’s house. When I got back to work this morning, I waited not too long before sister called me. She usually has something to talk over. She wanted to know how our meeting went and she wanted to ask me if I could do Thinking Group on Thursday to give the staff a day off instead of in-service because she wouldn’t be back. I didn’t know why couldn’t give them time off the next day, but she indicated she might have something else planned, so I said sure no problem.

But, that’s about when I asked … I said Robyn told me yesterday that Holly is engaged … is that true?

I think I must have left down a flood gate. It was like sister saying Oh Lordy you don’t know the half of it. She said then that she was alone up front so she could say something, but then 7-8 minutes later when the phone rang, I knew she would get it, so I let her go without too much discussions. Some of the things sister was bringing up was that not only was he younger, he was TWENTY years younger. Thought Oh Lord – that’s the same age as Maury! Seemed almost criminal marrying someone that much younger, but I knew my high school friend Beck had done the same. Ok, well that situation was strange too – in that in both situations, they’d only met in person once before deciding on getting married. Obviously, there is less security in these kinds of relationships and more fantasy in wanting “just to be married.”

Sister thought though it was Holly who had pushed the marriage and not the guy. She said case in point, it was Holly’s grandma’s engagement ring not something the guy had gotten. Another thing she said was that Holly had invited Rosa and a few others out to meet him and the scuttle butt on all that was that he was a kind of shaded character who didn’t talk very much. The next part was that Holly told everyone that he would move in with her in the US, but then they said HE said that if they were going to get married, she would have to live in England. There was more said in that Holly was trying to go about getting a VISA for him, but that Sister said they had to be married 6 weeks, or 6 months before that.

I asked sister … what was the chance this guy was coming over just for the VISA and sister thought it was pretty good. Sister hoped for the best for Holly, but didn’t have too much positive to say about the relationship. She was stuck on getting married after meeting once and that how can you know somebody just from a computer relationship? I said I had friends on line and had met a few, but nobody I wanted to marry. That decision was too big. I didn’t know if sister could see my wheels turning. I’d known Rich for 15 years, and we’re still not ready to be married.

There was a lot of give and take in that kind of relationship and its processes.

There was probably more, but that’s the gist of it. Sister wasn’t happy and was complaining about the lack of work and the visiting. She was also worried about what would happen with Holly if it all fell through although she definitely thought it was Holly manipulating the situation. Lord only knows. Sister was sure the worst about a computer relationship and I had to agree was that you couldn’t “read” a person through his behaviors or facial expressions. That’s probably really true.

I don’t know if they are on a deal like I’m using with Thom via IM on Yahoo or others like it. It would at least give them a visual on each other. Holly’s so far into “being in love” that she might not be seeing straight. She said something to Sr. about being all that she ever hoped love to be. Yeeks!

Ok, now moving on past that … you might guess if you thought a moment that Holly getting married might cause me a LITTLE consternation. Poor Rich got the brunt of all that last night. He was doing better and seemed to be happy that I’d walked in when I did a little after 6 pm. He wanted to know where I’d been and I apologized.

I said you knew when I came home to change that my phone was without battery. He did, but then said you couldn’t borrow a phone? I said I was with Robyn for ONE drink after the meeting and I didn’t think it was wise for me to put his number on her phone. He sighed and guessed we were right.

I really don’t think I stayed out that late, but I do know he worries. It’s just that after I found she’d be waiting by herself, I figured that it be better she wait with company. We were getting a long well enough. We talked of things in general and how she had actually not just been looking for another place to move with 3 friends as she’d told me, she was in fact being kicked out. We listened for a long time to that story, and felt supportive of Robyn in the end. It seems her mother is a little on the hysterical side and pushing her Mom boundaries. So that’s that.

I had walked in naturally hungry with Rich and he was still dressed and waiting dinner for me. I was glad that he was feeling well enough to eat. He said that since he’d still been sick that he’d like it if I made him another bowl of soup. I asked and found out that he’d not eaten the soup from the day before so I said sure and brought it to the microwave to heat up. Both of us felt the same in that it was time for jammies. Pshwoo! On the way of taking out the soup to put in a bowl – I burned myself. Well you can imagine that make us a little pouty because we’re so against hot food from the microwave anyway. ANYway. Rich had said that I could eat his half sandwich from the day before so we both grabbed our meals and went into the living room.

Rich asked if he could finish watching his show and then we’d turn on the music and talk. I was pretty grouchy by then and said something like “fine.” I didn’t feel like talking anyway because I was so cranky and I didn’t like that I’d been put off for TV – something that could have been put on pause. It did turn out to be a good thing to wait a little and calm down over a little food.

I don’t remember how all the next part played out. I think Rich came over and put his head on a pillow in my lap and we both started talking. After awhile things had calmed down again and I went to the sewing/cutting fabric and he read his book next to me. About 10 pm I’d felt ready to go to bed for the night, but we fell back into some grouchiness.

A lot of the conversation at the end and in the middle was that I felt really put out and competitive that Holly could meet someone and be getting married in one day of knowing each other and me on the other hand had waited 15 years, was going nowhere fast and we felt we were having a break down. We couldn’t see any good in life, we felt our existence to be worthless and we felt terribly unhappy. Rich said something about there had been changing over the last couple of years, but then we were cranky enough to remind him that the only reason he was living with me was because his wife had told him to get out. That was a low blow, but we couldn’t make our mind stop that kind of thinking. Rich had made no decision and so a lot of what he did became circumspect. Like he had to be pushed into even allowing Bob and Marcia to be our friends at the work event – or in not telling anyone at work about our relationship – and well you pretty much know the rest of all that.

He tried to talk about what a nice summer we would have after CARF got over and all I could think was that we’d only gone fishing with him 2 times over last summer – maybe 3 times and that all of it was motivated by him wanting to check out and pre-fish his buddy’s lakes. I felt like last night and now this morning how life is just passing me by.

This morning didn’t help in that I took a silly Internet quiz about how and when we’d die. It said I would die in 22 years at the age of 72 from falling, biting my tongue and bleeding to death. Then I checked Rich’s numbers. It said he was going to die in 10 years from a heart attack caused by extremely good sex. I’m grateful he was going out in manly style but then I felt gyped that he was going to die 12 years before me.

Ok, that was probably a silly thing to do, but we were in a pretty desperate depressed mood to figure out our future. On the way out of the door Rich said something about talking tonight about our goals and objectives. But, I have little faith he’s going to get to things that I would really like.

So here I am in a crumbly mood hoping that life would just step up and stomp on me for good and put me out of my misery. I just can’t stand the thought either of Holly coming back and pushing all this new garbage of how much more she’s loved or more important because she’s got this significant other in her life. That wouldn’t be putting too much happiness on her relationship from my giving self, and we really don’t want Holly to be unhappy, just I’d always taken some comfort of her LIKE me both not having known relationships. Kind of put us on this equal footing.

So that is the whole sum and substance of these last bad feelings. Just envy and spite … something more to remind me was a crumb cake I am. None of it getting to the point I’m worthwhile of anything. This was in addition to thoughts I had coming up the tired carpeted stairs to the apartment last night. As I was climbing to the third floor I thought there’s utterly no hope, that it was always going to be like that and that there was nothing to look forward to.

But, I remember too feeling last night if I were going to be lonely with anyone at least I had my hunny bunny. So, we curled up with him last night, got up in the night and slept by ourselves for a while and then went back to bed after showering this morning and curled up with him some more. I know his company is much more important than marriage, just feel so exposed in not being enabled with having now a husband, a home, or even someone that I can tell people I love. I don’t know what I did wrong to cause all of this. How did it happen that I was never to be made into an “honest woman?”

Oh Lordy … I have to get out of this mental disaster thinking … something like put aside the tears and frumpyness and somehow make life good again.

I did like that I was working on sewing again last night though I wasn’t happy with the fact that cutting out pieces by shape of plastic deal to be fun. I like the nice long straight cuts. I don’t like all the fussy work – though I know it’s the stuff that I gotta learn next. I got one month cut out for CS and I started to put together the second month of the three she needs, but then that was just a little too much to expect. I wasn’t real happy with how the colors turned out. I would have never chosen to work with yellow, gold and green. The gold was very overpowering and heavy connected to the other lighter Easter colors. But we have to work with what was given. We’ll try our best.

I don’t know where to go from here. We did stop to eat lunch in that we had a pudding cup and a fruit cup. We’re almost done with the coffee and we brought out the water. Just need to progress things.

Hmm, Rosa just handed us about 50 ICAP booklets. I had told Holly I already had about 20, but she decided to disregard and instead of using what we had ordered 100 more. I’m not really using them too much anymore, but perhaps will again this summer. Try not to catrastrophise everything my dear.

Maybe it’s time I did something on the Internet. Isn’t there something I was supposed to read or look up?

Hmm, my sister is up on line and we checked the bank. There’s only JUST about $300, so I don’t think the amount in there is going to cover. I wrote a check for $140 for tickets to the Spring Fling for Rich, my sister, Bob and Marcia and me. He had written a check to the electric company. Why he couldn’t wait until the next check was deposited is beyond me, but I can see his point of not being able to control the account if I keep taking money out. It’s a problem. CS said she sent her check.

She was also talking about having lost all the numbers in her phone, so we’ve messaged a few times about that. We sent her our numbers just to make sure she had them. That’s one down … a zillion more to go.

posted by Ann Marie @ 3/10/2010 04:26:00 PM Comments: 0