Ayn's Multiple World

All on the way to Dr. M's

Good morning. This is me and we’re reporting in from work on a Monday morning. I’m hoping all is going well with you and yours. It’s about 8:30 am and all seems to be going well so far with the exception of Rich. He came home last night from the hockey game very very sick. He and his son had eaten at a BBQ place and I’m thinking that he may have gotten food poisoning. We checked his temperature and there wasn’t a fever, but at the time he had the chills very bad and had to be bundled under layers of blankets. He got real sick. At one point he moved from the bed to the living room and he was tossing and turning losing his covers, but for the most part he never woke fully up.

Even when we said good morning to him before leaving he was pretty much out of it … he did mumble something about not going into work today. That’s almost unheard of. If Fishyman isn’t fishing, he is usually working. We made sure he was tucked in and hopefully he’ll call us when he starts to wake up. For the time being though we thought it was best to cover him up, give him a kiss and let him be. We’ll check later.

We brought into the center this morning a whole bundle of stuff. I wish my camera was working. There were several items that were taken care of over the weekend at CS’s. The biggest deal was that she finished the quilt. HOORAYY!!!! It really was a bundle of work. I’m glad she accomplished, because it was something she’d prioritized. It fell out of favor when she got sick for a couple of months, but then she finally nailed it.

I showed it to Sr. Theresa and sister seemed to appreciate it, but worried over selling it for only $100 plus with the bidding. I just told her we’d leave it up to her best judgment … she was saying that they would or should go for like $2-300 and then Sister Marcella – the sewing sister said more like $5-600. Somewhere in there I know they are right. It was a lot of sewing. My part was small. I cut out the pieces and did a lot of ironing, but ALL the sewing was CS. She really does a nice job.

There I just stopped by and asked Rosa to let me know when Imelda was coming in. I wanted to show her the sewing stuff and talk over prices with her.

We did a lot of stuff over the weekend for the craft show and Emily one of CS and my friends from the quilt retreat stopped by. It was very cool. She and CS had gone to a quilt class very early on Saturday morning, and then they stopped for some more craft supplies and then they stopped over at CS place. We took everyone out for lunch and then we all went back to CS kitchen to work on projects. There was so funnery happening. There was a lot of chit-chat, but some really good stuff and there was a fair amount of teasing from Emily to us. CS kept us working straight.

Emily was working on the cloth magnets I’d started the night before, and I was working primarily on wall hangings of various types and CS worked on miscellaneous and then sewing 4 little log cabin prints. We then took the squares and added a statement to the bottom, placed it all on a background fabric and then framed it.

They turned out pretty cool!

CS had also a lot of old quilt squares to donate. That is part of what I was working on. We put a padding on them and then taped them to a corkboard. Then we glued over them a light cardboard material and then trimmed it with trimming stuff.

There were like 16 of them, plus a few other pictures. We did one with 3 sets of animals – cats and dogs, and then another one with a tall house and trees, and then we did a half dozen 4”x4” squares with animal pictures made into magnets. Then there were like 30-40 smaller magnets with simple quilt designs on them. It was a lot of work, but it was fun work.

We also cut out about 3 dozen white 10” squares for a quilt project here at the center. We will probably sew sashes on them at home so they can be worked together quickly. I have some 2 ½” strips and I will bring them to the clients on the Friday before the Spring Fling when CS comes down. I believe she is rather excited to come down. I think I will tell her today that if Mark has to work on that day – he has a new job that I will come to pick her up on Thursday. I already told her I would bring her back on Sunday. I’m hoping that either Mark or Rich could help out there, but I don’t want CS to worry about not being able to come now that she’s put a lot of herself into being able to do so. The worst that could happen is that I’d take a sick or vacation day.

Maybe Rich could come with me on the Thursday if that’s what we were doing. It will all work out. Sister Theresa knows that CS is coming. I think she’s very appreciative that she did so much work toward the quilt and other things. CS had sent in money to treat the clients at Christmas, has purchased her share of candy bars, and now these little projects.

Ahh … Imelda came in so we walked to her room with her. She works in the very large storage area with especially a lot of teacher’s supplies. As I was undoing the blanket sister Theresa came in so we did it pretty quickly. Imelda was able to get in a quick these are wonderful statements. We showed her all the parts – there was also the bag of little magnets. Hmm, maybe we said that. I was very pleased that all was contributed. I said we’ll leave the packaging and pricing to her and Sr. Probably Imelda will take care of that. Sister said something about the big quilt going in a large basket. I know she had put one aside … I wish that the quilt was going to get more exposure, but I know that sister has to put it all in perspective.

There’s no doubt that I feel pretty much involved this year. Last year it was the sign language part and now this year this. CS talked over the weekend that we’d just come into her life about the time of the Spring Fling and that we had talked about doing something … and now here it was and we were done with it. I did tell sister before the staff meeting last time I would volunteer to work the craft part – maybe about 1-2 pm. That’s when I generally work it and I’m pretty sure that CS will want to go with me to where “the action was.”

Now the fun part … in general the weekend was very very good. I probably ate too much ice cream and marshmallows, but that kind of thing is to be expected. *sigh*
I think that it took a while to get things started. I had eaten Friday before getting to CS’s. The ride went pretty quick because we got out of Chicago pretty fast.

AHA. CS is sending along her first note of the morning. She wants to know how it went. So, I responded back:

Connie Sue,

We caught Sister Theresa and Sister Marcella on their way out the door to church. Sr. Marcella saw it first … she looked very carefully at seams and corners and the triangles tracing them with her finger. She was oohing and ahhing. That was the best compliment you could get, because sister Marcella is a trained seamstress and could appreciate the work. Then Sr. Theresa came out and she I believe kind of gulped. Her first thought was that anywhere else it might sell for much more money than the $100 being initially asked for. She thought out loud to herself these things must go for like $200-300, but then Sr. Marcella (the quiet one) said that this would normally go for $5-600. So I think Sr. Theresa is feeling a little guilty.

She made sure to ask again if you were coming down. I verified you’d be here on Friday. She just took that in. PLEASE do not think you get hugs from the sister. She will say something brief and not too flowery, but you know she’s got it in her mind as being a very special gift. She's pretty no-nonsense - her compliments are saved for 2wice annually personnel reviews and if she has something flowery she says like "well you know what I think of your work."

Then we opened the case and showed her some of the other stuff. It made quite an impression. She called over one of the responsible clients and told her to make sure this goes to Imelda’s room right away. That’s a compliment too because she was taking authority of it right away. Imelda is the one – the art teacher we told you about and she’s the one who has been putting together the baskets and placing cost values on them.

I asked Rosa to tell Imelda to come down to my office when she got in. She did and then we walked into her work space together. I said this is the first thing and I unrolled the quilt. She was like ooh and ahh and then she like Sr. Marcella needed to touch it – I think to believe it was real. Before we finished unfolding it Sr. Theresa came in. She made people from church wait on her. She said a few other nice things, and listened to me as I went through the different items. She was paying attention and not interrupting. I made sure then had a few seconds to appreciate each, but then Sr. was rushing Imelda … she told she had saved the big basket for it.

By then I took my absence because Sr. had gone into her “in charge” position of telling Imelda what to do with everything. It’s like a major thing to catch Sr.’s personal attention and the work did that. You done good! I know ... we did good!

The one other person that saw it was Theresa – Imelda’s space you gotta get to through Theresa’s room. She saw it when it was in process of going to Imelda’s place. She gave the ooh’s and ahh’s and asked if I had made it … I told her my sister did, but that I’d helped to cut the pieces. She said there’s another one in there that’s very beautiful too. We giggled and said, I know … I made that one personally. But, we were talking and moving at the same time so pretty much that was it.

There was one brief comment from one of the clients. Dahla had opened the door when I came in and stood there while sister was commenting at the front of the building. There’s a table just inside the door. Dahla made some very approving sounds and she was the one that took the bag in the back. Dahla is the client who has looked forward most to this quilting being done. She and the rest of the clients knew I was going to my sisters to work over the weekend and it was very reassuring for her to know that the work had been done.

This is all the good stuff.

I did want to tell you too that I wanted to take some of the pressure off you and Uncle Mark. If it turns out that Mark can’t bring you down, then just let me know and we’ll manage to take off a day of work on Thursday and I’ll come up to get you. I don’t know enough about Amtrak yet. I know that it goes to Union station and I’m thinking you would have to get on at Milwaukee. I thought I’d heard there was like a $2 shuttle from West Bend to Milwaukee, but I don’t know how much you will be bringing and the entire stress of so much happening already. So we’ll make the first trip by car. I don’t know Rich’s schedule yet for Thursday or Sunday so he may or may not be part of the trip. Obviously it be nicer if he drove, but we’ll have to see where he is at with his work load. But, one way or another we’ll get you here so you don’t need to over-stress Mark if he has to be doing his new job! Tell him though if he doesn’t drive at least one-way he’ll miss out on a special dinner!

Our best,
Ann Marie

LOL - Dahla was just in the office asking about the quilt again. So I showed her the white pieces and then she wanted to know again what we'd be drawing on it for a design ... she was funny ... I told her it be a few weeks til you came down so we'd have to be patient and she seemed then to understand.

Ahh read over things a couple times and wrote CS another note having to do with our thought that Nathan is probably experimenting with marijuana. He had left some “happy notes” on his FB and then he said on there that he now supports the use of marijuana and he supports his city’s “headshop.”

We feel very supportive of CS and Mark in that we think they are going to go through some heavy stuff with Nathan. We’ll leave that out of here though because its more private to them.

CS wrote back now to the first one and I think she’s feeling some satisfaction. I know she’s like me and likes to hear the positive stuff.

It’s funny Bob and us went out for dinner last night and we got into the question of whether anyone really does something for nothing. I’d like to believe in altruism, but then again … maybe people do things because of the feelings of satisfaction.

You could know that is coming so be doing it to raise up within oneself those feelings rather than I hope someone gets much enjoyment out of it. Not saying CS or I are here or not … just I think there are rewards that are not always financial. It’s not to take away from real gift giving, but its to be considered when thanking people proper that there is more to usual give aways than might be seen otherwise on the surface.

Everything is a process from here to there. CS is accepting my letter which includes not expecting hugs from Sr. so we are on our way. She did note that everyone seems to be forgetting she drives too, but I know that Uncle Marky for one and me for two won’t be in favor of that. She’s not used to the expressways around here. I know she’s serious though because she got a GPS for her car. I recommended that she start using it to get to the grocery store just to learn it in familiar surroundings.

Oh Lordy … she’s picked up an attitude … maybe Nathan’s stuff is feeding her anger and frustration. I’ve seen CS before on errands to finding praise and what not.

It’s starting to feel like that. She’s saying now after this last message to her that she can drive on her own and that she falls asleep if in the passenger seat … so in a sense telling me she has to drive herself without practicality of this being not one of the things she does.

Then a good cup of coffee or something caffeinated would be in order. I won't handle well with the excuse the only way I can do it is to come in blind. When was the last time you drove 130 miles or faced 3 hours of traffic?

To: Ann Marie Garvey
Sent: Mon, Mar 8, 2010 10:29 am
Subject: Re: Ahh thought there was something extra here ...

Just a side note. Really a side note! When I get in on the passe ger side of a vehicle for more then a half hour drive I fall asleep. Carol lives 45 minutes away. I have no idea how to get there because someone else has always driven. I have been to their home over 20x. :)

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from U.S. Cellular
________________________________________

From: aynetal3@aol.com
Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:15:15 -0500
Subject: Ahh thought there was something extra here ...

Speaking toward your driving yourself. This statement of you being able to drive yourself makes more sense now that I'm remembering that you just got for yourself a GPS. I see the intent here. I would still prefer that you rode here once before doing the drive. There are a lot of expressways on this end of things and it gets pretty confusing. They come quickly and there's a lot of fast driving on them. Driving to our place you don't have to go through Chicago, but it can get pretty hairy if you don't know where you are going. I do want you to build up confidence though so that you can do it soon enough. But, you should at least visualize the trip first in a passenger's seat so you can learn to identify markers. If we came up to get you we'd have you plug in the GPS and watch it to tell me where to turn.

Let's get comfortable with it before jumping into the middle of the ocean. Like I said too ... you should be turning it on no matter where you go in west bend to get used to things like what it means when she says it's 3/10's a mile or 850 feet to the turn or "bare right." You are going to love the system, but learn how to use it first before getting on a major highway that you don't know. I have confidence that you'll be using it to drive down here in no time, but lets' pace ourselves reasonably. K?

Our love,
Ann Marie

Guessing here that she’s not going to write back right away. She’s probably pretty cranky with me. Once CS sets her sites on something she doesn’t want to hear practical, but this is too far a jump from going sick and needing multiple naps a day to driving into the Chicago traffic. I don’t think she’s even driven from her place to Milwaukee 45 minutes away. Just isn’t going to happen even if I have to uninvited her. I won’t be pushed around. Though I’m pretty sure that Dr. Marvin would say she’s being manipulative in that she’s messing with our mind. Like saying under the surface I’m going to do something very unsafe. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t really want to drive either, but will push Mark in that if he doesn’t drive her she will throw all caution to the wind. I can see now that this has been stirring inside her as she’s tried to figure out for herself now that she’s motivated to be getting somewhere on her own. It was like in the hospital … she was wheeled and babied having two nurses get her in the car, but then when we got home she about bowled Uncle Mark and I over in charging up their ramp and running to the bedroom where she again became helpless. Helplessness comes and goes for her.

I love my sister in whichever ways I can, but I don’t trust her. There’s no reason except she was already in the mode of doing something dangerous to get the praise she craves. I’m sorry that’s how I’m looking at this no matter what a good time we had. Part of that was that there was Emily to talk with also and CS took naps and worked quietly on projects. We did talk our share, but there were natural breaks in it too.

I sent her this note too.

I think it's a process of giving things away because they have so much internal value - and there's the thought that - fabric alone would have cost that much. I'm sure that the sister's will talk over the cost, and they will talk over notes on how much something like that could go for in the community. We have to be remembering that it's a poor community and that whoever gets it will have an object of love. If they put that kind of money out from their tight budget they must really want and treasure it. Most of these kinds of gifts are purchased ffor gifts to others.

Someone will gain in it's ownership Kind of the story of the lonely pin that gets dropped from a rose corsage and picked up by a push cart person to be placed in a buttonless coat, etc. It's going to go through some amazing transformations and even if it sold for $101, the chances are good that it would be passed down from one generation to another as something of family value. It's a paying forward in value to others you don't know and may never meet personally to thank. I don't know how these things work, but will hope for the best in that any money made for it including the cost of fabric and time are truely donations toward the center such that individuals here can learn, grow and become responsible young people. You really did a good thing.

There … there. I just did a good thing I wrote her this note. Pshwoo this is taking all morning!

Just wanted you to know that Imelda came in here a moment ago to say again how much she thought of the quilts. She says I'm supposed to say to you that she thinks they are amazing. She also came in here in a quandary as to the charging of them. I explained that they could go up to $800 and that sister Theresa had said probably worth at least 2-300 and that Sr. Marcelina said probably $5-600. Imelda said that it had cost like $60 at Target for a "quasi-quilt" I told her I realized this and that the $100 about covered the fabric and that you give away your quilts and that anything past $100 would be truly a gift. I made sure she knew that it was more about the people who received it and even knowing that the participants are generally poor that they'd be gifted in having it although maybe not paying full market value. They will value the quilt if they go for it. Imelda said she appreciates all the time and effort you put into it and I told her you get things out of it in the process of doing it.

So-so ... just thought you should know.
Ann Marie.

I want her to receive the praise she should get, just need her to know we’re not going to support going suicidal to get it. This is something bad that our parents created … a bit of a monster. They did not give the accolades when we were young and needed them so now we are hungrier for them - it seems to be filling a childhood void – but I know it won’t stay filled for long because we are going to want more praise again and soon.

I also told her of the quilt we are going to make with the clients on the day before Spring Fling. She was excited too about that idea. Imelda had on her happy face.

I have told Carla and Robyn about the quilt making for Sr.’s Birthday as well as Imelda. We told Imelda that we fully expected Sr. to give away that quilt too and that she told me once she came in with 3 suitcases and she would leave with 3 suitcases. I’m thinking now that we might tell Sr. about getting the quilt before that day so she’s not left unguarded … that’s not a position we’d like to put her.

I don’t want her to think about it though enough so that she’ll change the order of things. That reminds me … we’re going to need getting some special clothing markers. Where are we going to get those? We don’t want the drawing to wash out.
Hmm, thought too we should call Bob. I want to make sure he knows how sick Rich was and also want to invite him to dinner with my sister on the 19th. That was one of the things he said last night was that if I’d given him better warning he would have made something. We don’t know exactly where Rich stands on this I know he likes to wait things out, but I don’t think Bob and us are like that. I hope that Bob has already called Rich, but I don’t know if he will appreciate just coming from Rich how sick he really was. Rich said when he called a bit ago that he’d be staying home and that watching fishing might be too exerting to him. Want to make sure Rich has clear access to his friends just in case Bob didn’t get to calling.

We really did have a good conversation last night. I don’t know how it was that we got to be talking about religion, but that we were. I had out the part that didn’t remember things well, but remembered some stuff. We could start a thought and then Bob would help us finish it. He is pretty intense as far as guys go. I say this in a good way. It’s funny last night I realized how hard it was for him to look directly at people when he talked – most likely because of some internal shyness and explosiveness inside. It wouldn’t surprise me to think that Bob has ADD (attention deficit disorder). He can be pretty gosh darn bubbly. Hehehe think he’s maybe in that way more like us than not. No wonder Rich has to be so practical … the two of us are so excitable. Hehehe

Hmm, I was just thinking that I should invite Bob and Marcia to the Spring Fling!

Wow! That be a good idea. It be two more people donating to a good cause! Bob and Marcia would do the same for us. In a way they have in inviting us to their church. Plus it’s an afternoon affair so that it would be ok for Bob who likes to be in early. I know that Marcia would love it too. Be soooo much fun! I think I better do it before Rich knows and while he’s sick so that he doesn’t over worry about Bob or Marcia or CS saying the wrong thing. Just that we’re friends right?!

Wow! What a good idea. I don’t know why we haven’t thought about it already.

That would be like a sign of trust, hmm? Don’t think it should be too much problems for any of the staff or parents. We can introduce them as Rich’s friends. It should give Rich some more confidence in not hiding so much. He will have someone else to sit with too. Or, for that matter someone to stand up with at the bar.

Hmm, we’re really going to have to get to the business of getting the camera battery too. Maybe we should do that today? Hmm, maybe not … Rich is too sick we better get home right after work so we can nurse him 

Ok, so three things to Bob …

1) Rich is sick
2) Go out to dinner with my Sister
3) Go to the Spring Fling

Ok, that about does it. It’s nice to have these business meetings.

Woohoo! We just went to the washroom and no that’s not a big deal, but we … whoops better right this to CS.

Hi CS,

This is me again. I thought you should know that we just had a minor quilt tour with a good portion of the staff. Well at least 3 more. Remember when I said earlier that Theresa (staff not sr) had seen the big quilt walk in? Well, just a few moments ago I’d walked past the staff on my way to the bathroom. Theresa and I teased back and for and said what’s up and all … well you had to be there to understand that part. But on my way out Theresa must have remembered the quilt, because she’d asked me if I’d told the others - whose attention perked up. I said no so then she told the others you have to see Ann’s quilt … it was then like cool – we’ll have a little tour. Lunch was just getting over so Theresa, Maria and Cathy and I went into the room and we showed them each of the pieces.

They weren’t totally overwhelmed, but close. I could see their minds ticking wow ok ok … because truth be told we have a very craft orientated staff. I told them we just did this stuff over the weekend and that the quilt had been ongoing, but that you were sick a couple of months so it had been put on hold. All the staff is responsible for putting together craft projects weekly. They were really impressed with the kitty magnets and the tri-frame with the kitties in it too. I told them that I thought we didn’t really do enough with cloth. And there minds’ were a whirring. One started to say something about not getting “material,” but then I believe if sister thought some of this really neat stuff could happen she’d see to it the staff got some supplies.

I was thinking for a second of bringing the second sewing machine of Ame’s and Isa’s could do some real sewing work here at the center – though we’d have to get through threading the bobbin and staff supervision. I could teach them in a staff training meeting - though some things like the magnets could be done with glue … same with the bigger pictures it was glue and tape and $1 frames. We’ll have to see … but in general they were very excited about the tour. Carla missed it, but she and I’ll go back after the clients leave and she said she’d bring her camera.

Each of them was bubbling over with talk after being there. Sr. had seen the group of us going in at about Theresa’s door and we kinda bubbly casually said we were taking the quilting tour. Sister gave us a bit of the frustrated look. She said I feel very bad about only asking $100 for it. I said, I know, I know, but pretty much we kept walking. I was grateful to Theresa for thinking enough of it to bring to the others’ attention. There’s only a few more who haven’t seen it. I don’t think Robyn would think so much of it - she's to young, but Kim and Margarita would appreciate seeing it. Kim only comes in on Fridays … I’ll see if I can catch Margarita to steal a peak toward the end of the day. We’re pretty close and she’d understand me jumping up and down saying … you gotta see this!

I saw that Imelda had already started bundling things. She had spread out the quilted frames and had ribboned up the 4”x4” magnets. The women made sure to show Theresa the kitty thing, because she likes kitties so much. It was a very good sign to see they were getting so much a positive impression on the women. So anyway that’s how your quilt is progressing through its first day … just thought you’d want to know!

Mi

We’re going to get her up safe and sound. She’s still fretting over the transportation and as guessed hadn’t responded back yet to the posts containing stuff on Nathan and the driving. Sending her a couple of positive one’s would be good for her though. She really would enjoy hearing the acclaim and the best I can do is shuffle it down to her.

Think though there is good attention and bad attention. I probably do too much of the bad attention stuff too, but I am better at seeing it now than I had in the past. Ok, girls … let this one go … do we have other means of progressing through the day? We keep looking for CS mail because I know we pushed her, but she’ll have to work it through like we are … basically, in responding back and forth. That’s one thing I’ve started to realize with CS is that she can ignore or neglect pretty good. I think it’s a means of controlling others learned through my mother. It’s a terrible habit. We’ll have to put this aside where we are not going to get bent up about it. It’s just another thing that Dr. Marvin would understand.

I don’t think that we got into it much over the last few days, but we’d had a full session with Dr. Marvin on Thursday. Oh my … I forgot that we had a 3 pm appointment today. We’re going to need leaving at 2:15 pm. I just sent a note confirming the meeting with Dr. Marvin. I just about forgot. I’ll have to tell Carla we’re going to be leaving early. Hmm, then just an hour and 45 left.

WooHOO!!!

Anyway as to Dr. Marvin’s last session … we remember talking a bit about work stuff first off, but then we slid into other things. I remember also talking about Rich’s ex and that I’d seen a few of the emails she’d sent him. He’s saving them up and I peeked. I did tell him then that I’d looked … point was that she was extremely manipulative of him. First she’d be telling him things like he’d ruined her life and that the kids hated him and didn’t want to see him and such and then she said if you’ve got any sense of decency you’d send some extra money for Christmas. It made me feel like choking. No wonder he’s been so guilted in to giving her thousands of dollars a month. Well, as you can imagine that needed some talking about. I felt very angry toward her in favor of Rich. Just couldn’t believe anyone could treat my bunnyfriend like that. YEEKS!!!

Ok, so then we moved on … we spent some time talking over other things, but more minor. The best percentage of time was talking about my sister. I don’t recall all of what had been going on, but we’d left the last 10-15 minutes to talk only about my sister’s visit and whether or not she’d be seeing Dr. Marvin. All the time up in WI though that thought was put aside til just a few moments ago. Now thinking of that thought I’m wondering again about the situation of CS driving down. The big deal was that on the way over to Dr. Marvin’s last week we’d started to think she was going to want as part of her tour being introduced to Dr. Marvin too.

That let loose of a tremendous amount of feeling and confusion. I think Dr. Marvin caught it before it left our lips. I think his stance was right away, why would she get to do that. It took me by surprise because I guess I was in my mind thinking how could I get her not to see him, but then I thought maybe if Dr. Marvin saw her he could tell me more of that situation, and then I felt bad because it seemed against ethics to invite someone in and then analyze her with me later. Dr. Marvin asked … he said in most cases when people came in there was a specific purpose to it. What would the purpose of CS coming in be? I couldn’t answer that question.

Then he asked what would happen if she were here?

It didn’t take too much longer to think that the purpose would be for her to talk to Dr. Marvin and down to me as if it were he and she that were taking care of me.

That was to me though a very revolting thought. I could see her so clearly doing it, but I couldn’t make it stop. I do know that by the end of the session we’d come to the thought that we didn’t have to have her there though we could, but that we didn’t have to make an immediate decision.

I think we thought something a couple times as toward bringing something up with CS involving Dr. Marvin, but I don’t recollect what all that was … just that at least twice conscientiously we said no in our own mind as to bringing things forward to her. Just something I didn’t want to get into …

Again we are going here with the lack of trust.

I’d really like to be more honest and open about our relationship, but I think I’m wherever I am and that she’s somewhere else. I know things like her driving down her are loaded bombshells. It won’t be clear until maybe down the road what her real motives were. It’s certain for sure though that she’s being motivated by something internal to get something very assuredly back. I don’t know if this means in spite of me and our selves or not. I don’t think even Mark and Nathan hold real priority over her getting things she wants on a timely basis – like the good feelings mentioned above from the quilt. I know that’s real high on her priority list.

I don’t know why it is that I psychoanalyze so much … I’m guessing at this moment it has to do with our own self-safety mechanisms. There’s something about being manipulated that you never let go of after having happened to you. I know the boys have fought long and hard about me not manipulating them, but I know I’m guilty of having this sort of ability too. Just we’ve worked so hard over so many years trying to clear ourselves of such negative thinking. By negative it means placing self over others. But, then too in this very moment thinking of this I am prioritizing my internalized needs through the writing to take precedence over other things I could or should be doing for others I’m theoretically working for.

I remember one of the things that happened over the weekend in being around Ms. Emily was that we worked out loud in the safety of others a few things between my sister and us. I don’t know how it all came together except usually when women are given enough time to talk about everything and the kitchen sink will come out. But, the point of the moment was in saying that CS had been sick so long that it hadn’t allowed me to be there because I needed to come when it was safer like for us to be doing quilting work. I think CS sees snippets of this, but she’s too far from seeing a psychologist to really appreciate what she’d been putting people through.

I don’t want to be mean to her, but I know things happen that shouldn’t or I believe so because they make me feel that uncomfortable. I feel very weary most often when I’m being manipulated.

I don’t like any better the direction that is taken when Rich starts making us do this or that – especially because it is good for us. I think that went through Dr. Marvin and us too – that Rich puts out that he’s taking care of others and in that same breath is not taking care of himself. Maybe that’s a strange kind of dependency that takes some working through. Likely the problems that Rich and I are going through would be the same to affect others in my family. Not very often do I stop to analyze the boys, but now I’m thinking they probably are also going through similar things. I don’t think there was any coincidence that Maury and Thom would both get in relationships due to pregnancy, then get divorced, and then jump into relationships with other women so fast if there wasn’t something psychologically happening.

Maybe somewhere within us we have analyzed this, but now it seems predominant again. I don’t know if it will work its way up to the top in talking to Dr. Marvin.

I think one of the thoughts I’ve had of the CS situation poke through over this last several days is the feelings of having had Kathy Head for a very important person in my life … or a Mrs. Swanson etc and then to have CS come in and take over. I would guess that just because of all the time that is taken up with her in my session she’s already working her way in. But, then worming would imply she is conscious of what she’s doing. I think she’s needy and those needs grab out at anything plausible in their means to satisfy themselves. And, I just think that Dr. Marvin is in this path. I know and I’ve told him I’m confident that he can remain grounded, but I wasn’t sure that I’d remain grounded. I didn’t or couldn’t tell him my likely reaction if CS had started to do things that I thought she might – like the anger in her trying to take a façade of being in a mother position over me to gain the attention of the therapist of her being a worthy and worthwhile person and one whom I’d add had controlling tentacles lashing through the air purposely. She gets so angry when approached with a truth not in the image she’s trying to hold onto. This is usually where I’m going to get hit. *Sigh* or ignored.

Ok, ok … it this Ann getting paranoid? I think it’s a very good thing if we get to meet with Dr. Marvin tonight. I’m certainly too at some level of feeling choked here, but I’d like to go at this as not being the victim. That’s part of the anger provoking or unsafe feelings I have. I believe that CS learned from my mother and father … not being able at this moment to extract which of the parents or family unit, but I definitely had feelings of being manipulated by them to get their needs met. Even the needs of the group of them downstairs of complaining how terrible or unlike them I was. I seem to desperately need that distance from them in thinking I’m not like them … seems as if my survival is based on this fact.

Hmm, that’s a fortunate break for me. I think it worked … we were sending CS positive attention stuff on top of her negative attention display. She wrote back finally that she wouldn’t drive and that it was ok to pout … we agreed and told her that it was good the pouting only took this time a little over two hours and the benefit was that she’d get here safe and be able to collect her accolades. She is still worrying over the fate of the quilt while saying that it doesn’t concern her, but obviously it does. She’s mentioned twice the fear of the quilt going into a dark closet. We told her it would only be a retreat and that it would rise to shine another day. I think making quilts must be like having “safe” non-argumentative pot-smoking babies ;)

She’s trying real hard and we appreciate that part of her. Now as to her meeting Dr. Marvin that might be figured later. Dr. M did confirm we have an appointment today at 3 pm. That part was real good. CS has taken some pressure off by saying she wouldn’t drive. Shoot … it sure is hard being a good sister. I’m trying too!

I also got a hold of Bob … or at least he called me back. I said 3 things wait I wrote them down. First I made sure he knew of our sick friend. He said he did and then we compared notes. And, then I asked him if he and Marcia would like to go out to dinner when my sister came in on the 19th. He said he and she would be delighted and then we went for the gold. We invited him and Marcia to the Spring Fling he asked about what it was so we told him it was a center fundraiser and then he helped us remember the name of the place which I forgot again … Oh at least Oh I know Mayfair reception hall.

Good good … I sent Dahla down for information and then with a check for the Spring Fling. Two staff and three extra adults is $140. I know I still have that much in our account. It is a done deal … I don’t want Rich mucking up the water now. I did call him though and check on him, and then I told him the three things I just talked over with Bob. He of course had a little problem with it, but then he has to get over it. I have friends and he has friends and this is the sorta thing friends do with friends. I made sure to tell Bob it was from 11 – 4 pm. And, that seemed to him like a fine thing. Then he went back to work. I think this is the way guys talk. Basically, I have something on my mind … here it is … see you later. Good good.

Rosa said the check goes to Sr. so I asked her to send the client in that direction. Rosa was acting irritable. Not my fault … I was in the realm of being a good staff 

posted by Ann Marie @ 3/08/2010 02:13:00 PM Comments: 0