On our way to Joe's birthday!!!!!!!
Good morning. This is me. Well, at least good afternoon. It’s about 1:30 pm on a Wednesday. Sister just reminded me to get something done and we reminded her we could do that after she got back a police record for one of the staff. She talked to one guy from state and I talked to another and they gave us conflicting information. But, since I have been told to get it in as a next step … we’re goingto have to go with I need it. *Sigh*
The other news was that she was going to be taking the staff training group tomorrow so I will get an hour off … it’s going to be a new thing on 2nd Thursday of each month because she wants to go over religious principles with the trainers. No problem for me!
We’ve only got one hour and 15 minutes left before we leave for the day. I’m pretty happy about that. I went through one bad spell in that Rich came in and although that’s not bad … he was messin in an area we would have preferred him not to be messing. Basically, he hasn’t been doing well his case reviews where he reviews Holly’s and my work. Whether he reviewed my work or not, I had set up a system where I noted all the parts of my case file I needed to collect. At the present I’m at 87% efficiency and Holly is at 42% efficiency. We had first gone through Holly’s files the last time she was gone for a significant period of time. Then between sister and us we discussed and came up with the idea that the secretary would keep up the form, so when papers come through, she initializes them, marks them on a record and then puts the document in our mail and we then file it as complete.
This was my system and I figure that its nice she keeps up the record, but there’s been problems with Holly all along. Last time I was involved, I found out from the secretary that Holly was doing her own check-in record. I thought man … that’s defeating the purpose … the reason Rosa was added was to assure that Holly wouldn’t cheat. So I talked to Sr. and sister made sure that Rosa would do the file, but apparently Holly is now handing Rosa her checked off sheet so Rosa can check-off her sheet from Holly’s sheet. That’s though like saying the same thing … that the center has to trust that Holly isn’t just checking off dates. I guess they tested the system and the first one they found – Holly hadn’t had the record in the file for the one she checked off. She was just making an appearance that she was taking care of files.
I was like too bad for her, but it really didn’t affect me at that point, because it was between Holly and the boss … we just thought that Rosa shouldn’t be made to be under Holly pressure because she was an innocent caught in Holly’s wrath and backfire.
The part that got me upset … at least for 10 minutes was that Rich came in the office holding my sheet and Holly’s. The records not corrected are highlighted purple for me and blue for Holly. Officially, Rich has the position where he can supervise the Q’s. He’s rarely in and we being Q’s always talk to sr. directly, but if Rich wants to make himself more important he assumes more responsibility over us. While we want Sir Sweetie to get ahead in life, it’s sometimes a pain in the neck. There was two problems this round.
First thing was that he wanted to make a big long process of us – both Holly and I as having to be accountable for the missing papers during Administration meetings.
I figure … I’m already accountable and had come up with my own system just so I can keep me honest. Now someone is using my system and has stepped into HIM being the person that is going to keep me honest, and he’s now doing it in front of my boss and in front of my peer. That is VERY aggravating, but he didn’t seem to understand this. Plus he was going to push other things that I didn’t want to discuss … like how I do my annuals in mixed company meaning in front of my peer. I find that EXTRORDINARILY aggravating.
The second problem was that glancing at my sheet … it looked way too crowded with purple marks. One of the papers, the secretary had forgotten to take off and 11 more spaces were marked as late, but were not because Rosa didn’t understand the marking of dates. Basically a State rep comes in 4 times a year – once each quarter. Right now we’re in the first quarter being January, February, and March.
They can come in any day of those three months – approximately 91 days, but they are good and caught up as long as they come in before the last day of the quarter. That means that the paperwork that has to be in to keep them honest – is the paperwork from the previous quarter. So in this situation anything before October, November and December would be considered late. They could come in on October 1, but they wouldn’t be late until April 1. Does that make sense? So Rosa had 11 of my clients marked incorrectly because although she’s thought through the logic when taught, she’s since dropped the ball – most likely because she didn’t understand it entirely though could copy my work when I’d done it myself.
So the aggravating situation wasn’t with Rosa … because Rosa just has to be informed. I know the logic is correct because I’m smart enough to figure that out.
So, I corrected my sheet for the above 12 errors and just noted out loud I’d bring it up to Rosa. But, that’s the mad part. Rich said he didn’t want me to make the corrections. We were like why? You showed me the paper, I showed you what was wrong – he couldn’t argue the case differently, so why shouldn’t I tell Rosa – I trained her in the first part and obviously this part had to be repeated because she hadn’t gotten it yet. So then Rich was like well you can tell her next week … and I was like why next week, I found the error today and it was making me look bad to have all those extra purple marks. Rich was going to be gone all next week and there is still 2 days left this week and it irritated me that I couldn’t correct the situation.
So then Rich was like I will tell Rosa. And, I was like you? It’s my system … he said well now it’s my system – you did a good job. But, I said, you are now going to use my system to tell sister and my peer I’m making mistakes in that I don’t have all the files. That’s something personal and if I’m going to be corrected by my boss, I prefer it not be done in front of my peer. His point was that her record looks so bad that it will make me look good. I know that 87% is actually pretty good as far as collecting hundreds of documents go, but I didn’t understand where something I was doing privately had to be made the business of 3 other people.
Then I was ok, so you want to insert yourself in and take responsibility for my work. So tell Rosa what’s wrong. And, he said I’ll tell her later. Well isn’t this a monkey up my somewhere! Why can’t I tell her and why can’t you tell her there’s an error? That’s the nature of things … we fix things that are broken. Oh man was I getting steamed. Finally, he said that he would tell her tomorrow. I couldn’t understand the delay. If he wanted credit for my form, format, and error correcting then he might as well at least been expedient so my paper wouldn’t look so purple. It showed to me he cared about his appearance in front of the boss, but he didn’t care about MY appearance, and then he was handcuffing me so I couldn’t correct myself – which would have shown self-respect if not respect from him, so that now I’m going to be disrespected from our boss. Man that really sucks. But, then he left and came back and I was ok, this one thing is sucky, but I still love the guy and I’m going forward with my day that doesn’t have anything to do with him. True though, I don’t want to be forthright with him as a business person, because I don’t WANT him interfering with my job processes. I figure I do my own thing and report to my own boss. HMPF! Sweetie or not … we’re not going to complicate our life for the hell of it.
There was something else that happened yesterday or was in the process of happening. Basically, because of the inspector being in … hmm, I don’t know if I mentioned all that. BUT, I was 2% in error of 100% - so the agency got inspected and passed only 98%. So we were like ok … we’ll handle that, but as to the day … my brakes were getting fixed so Rich drove me to work and was going to pick me up.
But, then Dr. Marvin reminded me I had an odd appointment on Tuesday. He had to do something on Thursday. So we made arrangements to make sure Rich knew we’d have to do that before going home. That shouldn’t have been a problem, but I was under some amount of pressure with the State in … Rich just left when the state guy got in so he didn’t have to deal with anything. His bad part was that he’d been called by members of his family because the daughter was going through a crisis and is usual for his family everyone is involved. I guess the daughter had talked to Rich for 10 minutes and the ex-wife only 3-4, but basically Rich felt then responsible to take care of everyone’s problems, but the thing Rich is most set on right now after waiting 5 months is his week-long fishing vacation starting on Saturday. He’s to get the boat over the next day or two from where it had been stored.
So now Rich is in crisis management mode and he’s upset because his family is upset. Basically, Jillian and her girlfriend Dawna are fighting and it looks like at least for temporary that they are going to separate living conditions. It appears that most likely if not before Rich’s daughter will move back to Illinois after she completes the school year. She’s a gym teacher with a master’s degree.
Ok, all the whatever that can go on in between that – and get thoroughly discussed within 15 minutes was going through Rich’s head and he’s was internally worrying about having to go and save someone while all he wanted to do was go fishing.
There’s no doubt that if Jillian really needed her dad he’d be there for her in front of fishing, but as things happen … they were just going through the initial everything is a mess part.
So, then came the me part. He had just found this all out 15 minutes before picking me up. I don’t know how it came to this … but most likely it was me that said something. I thought he was done talking about his daughter’s situation so I said something like … now as to that $100 are we going to resolve that now or is it going to get carried into my psychiatrists office where its going to disrupt time.
Basically, if we can agree that no extra money is coming out of my account just because you changed the rules, then I won’t be upset and we can just drop it, but if you think you are going to take out $100 from my account just because your feeling a cash flow problem then I’m probably going to need working off some steam in his office.
Well that pretty much started a pretty good argument. And, in the process of the day did get then brought up into the doctor appointment. You cannot argue for 20 minutes with someone directly before a meeting and think that’s not going to affect your session. It really throws the mood. Things like that get processed and feathers smoothed, but its still a process. Basically, the point became … Rich had gone to a customer who wasn’t paying him, so then he thought he shouldn’t have to pay me for his portion of the rent, cable and electric bills. I was mad that he could decide this without a discussion and truthfully I knew he was spending $1000 to go on his fishing vacation and that he’d spent probably like $500 on fishing preparation and that THAT was his cash flow problem and that the $100 he owed me for bills shouldn’t have been made the problem. I also knew that he takes home approximately $7800, I take home approximately $2600. All but $200 of my money goes to bills, expenses or debts. $200 is my fun money and now rich wanted to take half of that because he was having a cash flow problem.
I knew that Rich’s of Rich’s $7800 - $3000 goes to his ex-wife. That meant that Rich had $4800 in expendable money. He only owes $600 to me to cover his portion of rent, electric and cable because the check for those three comes out of my account.
Except now he only wanted to give me $500. Because he has a cash flow problem So then it became why should someone with $4200 expendable dollars who may or may not have gotten paid in full, be taking it out on someone who only has $200 expendable.
I know that some of that money is Rich’s bills and burdens, but reasonably speaking … his ex pays the mortgage on their house with her alimony and I pay rent … so Rich has things like insurance, car, boat AND he pays for food for both of us which he was claiming cost $600. But he pays only $600 to live … with $4200 in earning and only having car, boat, food – and about $400 he’s paying down a second mortgage with his wife … then WELL basically … how did this all become my problem. If you can’t get buy on $4200 … then REALLY REALLY the problem IS his and not mine!
But, instead of accepting that … he chose to argue that he did pay for food. Well, then by then we were saying it shouldn’t cost $300 a month to feed me and if he was going to give me that responsibility of paying for food – although it hadn’t been previously discussed then I was going to be DAMN sure of what I was getting to eat.
I figured that Rich eats 2/3rds of the food and that he gets a lot of expensive meat items that I don’t need. I do know that the cats and housecleaning things come out of that $600 too as does us going out to dinner. But I NEVER ask Rich to go out, I wait for him to ask and sometimes 2-3 weeks go by without us going out. I don’t complain because I figure that would be more on him.
I told him that it had previously been the deal that our house expense of rent, electric and cable were evenly split, and that he as my male partner covered food, eating out and vacations – Though I paid him a couple thousand back for the vacation for Thom’s graduation when my tax money had come in. I think. Regardless two people should change the rules together for two people. I felt angry that he was deciding to give him something and take away something that had been mine. So again, that’s the position we were in when I left his car for my appointment. Like thanks! I had to go through it all with Dr. Marvin before I could calm down. Dr. Marvin is able to say … you make sense this is something on Rich. He doesn’t do it exactly like that, but basically he validates me and my thinking. It takes then steam off … so I can better look around and think thoughts like … we were just both under pressure and it got put on me and I let off some myself and it could be dealt with later. NOT when Rich’s family is having a crisis and Rich is worrying over his fishing trip.
Dr. Marvin and us went on to discussing other hot-button topics like with my sister and about work and state and CARF and my needs to fantasize about my house purchase and that yes some was spinning my wheels but other parts were like me trying to make things more real … that was a basic of our conversation with him last night … was that we’ve been working on financial and business reality – like in doing Rich’s addresses for him without charging. To me if I had $200 then I wanted $200 to be saved for the house and I’d been willing to put that in a joint account so I could feel I was working constructively toward a house.
That was another part of the discussion … Rich wanted to say he paid for all this other stuff, and that I’d had extra money in my account. I did have money in my account because I got back a tax check. BUT, $525 of it I paid for the scanner so I could help him get through his mailing list. I didn’t get the Apple IPAD for myself and I didn’t get the dresser or other bedroom furniture. I did with the extra money then pay for Joe’s birthday, the trip I was going to pay to my sisters, for fixing the virus’ on my two computers, and for fixing my cars breaks. It WASN’T as if I’d been frivolous with the money.
Ok, ok … so enough is enough. I want to move on … best thing here is that … sometime after the return of the fisherman we can discuss things on paper. If Rich wants to negotiate then I will want to know a little more of his expenses and income concerns. Heheh I just got an email from a company that wants me to do internet work for 2-3 hours a day for a base pay of $2300 plus selling bonuses. They say it’s 30 hours of training and there is no cost to training or other money to be put down. I said that I was interested. If I could bring $2300 more into the household a month and my expenses are already covered that would mean that in 7-8 months I could pay for the down-payment and closing costs to owning a house. There!
Wouldn’t that be sweet! I don’t trust right now that it’s a real job, but the company got my name from a submitted resume from Career Builders which I’d turned in a week or so ago. So we’ll let that ride – I sent back something to say I was interested.
Hmm, one thing else here I’m going to note for the record is what’s been going on with CS … I’m just going to copy paste the note I sent to Dr. Marvin this morning.
I don’t want to go into it anymore though because I’m 8 minutes from going home today and going out with Joe’s birthday. YAYYY!!! AND, I want to get this posted before I leave. So figure I have 3 minutes left … ok, maybe less … go ahead and read the rest of it … don’t mean to leave you hanging, but nonetheless I haven’t heard from CS all day nor do I expect to for a bit of time. It was pretty aggressive angry at me … maybe passive aggressive, but basically, each time we’ve tried to help the relationship … and the way we figure it now is that she’s going to have to try a little harder to be well in order to meet us fairly.
So with that … have a good day!
Dear Dr. Marvin,
I included the message below to my sister ... I may have already sent it to you. A couple negative things happened next since last night's talk. I didn't find the texts til this morning as I was charging the phone, but I'll show you the response from the text message on the phone and then the Facebook response. That one seems to me to be that she's still ticked off and is choosing to stay sick or in that sick mode ... I'm really appreciative that she was conscientious enough to tell me not to come because she was going to maintain being sick.
From combined 4 Texts after she got the email dated 2-5 @ 9:54 am and after she blew off my call ...
Hi! Just noticed you had called and left a message. Howl's it going back to work? I understand why you were upset last week. I have deleted Richard from my phone. I will never call him or Dr. Marvin. They r your world that u feel safe with. I hav no desire to interfer with them nor do I feel responsible 4 your safety. You have a very complicated life. I am still learning about your boundries. I apologize for anything I have done to cause any prob. As a caseworker I had 2 make Quick decisions 4 others and hav 2 remember u aren't my client nor am I working anymore. Sorry 4 everything. I do understand what you wrote me and respect you.
Dr. Marvin ... to me she seemed to understand very little. Then this morning this is what I found in the Facebook. From above, it seems that she wants also to dump "guilt" on me for not allowing her "my" safe world and even as she was saying she didn't feel responsible she was saying she felt caseworker responsible - but, I can't perceive it as anyway that was really caring or intelligent or even psychology sound and when she says "anything" it's like she's saying whatever you were thinking bleh, bleh, bleh. As to being too late to talk - I know that everytime she gets an email or call she stops to read her phone message, so in this way was avoiding me directly.
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner Nope! I sent you 4 texts last night. It was too late to call when I noticed you had call. Its pretty quiet here, and fluffy white. It doesn't really matter now to Mark but schools closed in the area. He didn't get as ezxited.
Yesterday at 1:19pm • Comment • LikeUnlike • View Feedback (6)Hide Feedback (6) • See Wall-to-Wall
Ann Ludford Garvey
I had thought of coming up, but pretty unsure right now. Rich should have my big computer home by then so might want to be working there on Rich's marketing. I've really missed my big computer and am looking forward to some time with it. Rich is gone Saturday through following Saturday fishing and this weekend we have a 3 day weekend with next Monday off. Really not sure. Part of it is really not being sure where you are emotionally and physically. Just up in the air.
Yesterday at 2:11pm •
Ann Ludford Garvey
Phone is dead with cord at home :( - Dr. Marvin tonight most likely not sure. Today was heavy day with State inspection - he's still here. Car is in shop getting new front brakes - Rich will have to pick me up for dr. appointment. Tomorrow we'll be off an hour early to have dinner with Joe and Cari, and I'll work then til 4 pm on Friday.
Yesterday at 2:15pm •
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner
I am ok in both areas. I understand were you are coming from and don't want to go there again. Now I know a little more about you and can appreciate boundaries. Physically if I get tired I get tired. My knee is doing better at knee things. My neck is almost done healing. Today I am dragging around a little with the weather and lack of motivation. I finished laundry earlier but that's about it. Soooo, if you want to come up north you are welcome.
Yesterday at 2:52pm •
Ann Ludford Garvey
Are you up to working on sewing things - would that be the agenda or are you still needing time away from a formal chair? I'm not sure if we could duplicate old efforts and now the sewing machine is back in the other room ... not sure we'd have to talk about some kind of plan. I get frustrated if I'm not doing something specific. We've faded off... See More of the sewing of late and would like to get back into that spirit. I'm not sure where you are at with all that? Where are you as to being industrious?
Yesterday at 3:05pm •
Connie Sue Ludford Tscharner
Looking at the calendar you probably won't want to come this weekend. My pump refill was to be this afternoon but was cancelled till Friday morning. Fibromalagia makes it difficult to know day to day how much you will be able to accomplish- add the pump & it could make it a hard weekend to try to get a lot done. It takes 24 hrs for the new ... See Moredosage to kick in. After that it takes about a week to adjust to the new settings. I have fought the drowsiness in the past without a high level of success. If the pump refill wouldve been today I would be able to say with more conviction that we could get a lot done. We have to get the St.Rose quilt done asap. It is what is going to make me get back to a routine with having a looming deadline. I got the St.Rose newsletter with the Spring Fling dates. It will not take much to move the sewing table back into the kitchen when the time comes. .
Soooo, this may be a bad weekend but we do need to complete the quilt for the fling.
Yesterday at 3:51pm •
Ann Ludford Garvey
Ok, thanks for getting back to me ... we'll plan accordingly :)
about an hour ago •
Dr. Marvin,
I'm not sure of all that we talked about last night, but I have a general impression that what you said was something like she does things to get attention and I remember now about you saying that she isn't responsible for anything. She's pretty much thrown things up in the air as being feeble as far as I can tell. I wanted to go up to advance the relationship like the sisters part is stronger than the problem of the past week or two, but it seems now more obvious that she's not willing at this moment as her fantasies of being helped. And, as to what I said and all that she "said" she understood ... all of it went over her head. I'd talked about her needs in a situation she perceived to be a crisis and wanting Rich's collusion or attention - like ok someone especially Rich or Dr. Marvin take care of me (meaning my sister) to that she'd stepped in and treated me as a responsible social worker would ... that alone is enough to scare the bejeebers out of me.
I'm finishing this sister business for the week at least until next appointment. We'll back off for the next week and a half and let her think about things. It seems at least conscientiously she knows having me there is a trade-off for acting sick.
Thank you for all the considerate time you spend with me. I still am bothered by all this, but can imagine you saying ... this kind of stuff would bother anyone. You validate my life like no other ... thank you.
Ann
Sent: Fri, Feb 5, 2010 9:54 am
Subject: I couldn't get this through on FB so I'll send it here
Dear Connie Sue,
I do not doubt that to the ability that you can love that you love me. I'm sorry if you feel put in a position where you can't "win" Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I need to take it from a level of you coming out ahead or behind and get it to the point where you could better understand me and me you.
I believe what you did in contacting Rich was a projection of your own thoughts onto me. As you say if you were in my situation you would have wanted me to call Mark. But, this wasn't something that was necessary or appreciated at the time - it set up a condition of mistrust. I had just told you Rich was coming in and that I would talk to him and Dr. Marvin. There was no reason why you should have doubted that this wasn't what I was going to do. In a sense you were going "over my head."
In a sense the projection was that you took the situation I was in and implanted yourself in it so that you could receive Rich's help for your own perceived crisis. Maybe you could see afterword that it was taking attention away from me handling my own situation at a time I really may have needed Rich's direct attention. It was a situation where you rode out what you perceived to be my crisis as it becoming your crisis.
I don't dislike you for what you did again I don't mean that you should feel you lost in trying to help me the best you could. But, I need you to see what happened so that it doesn't happen again, or perhaps I need to know what would happen when you feel a crisis so that I can plan for that …
I won't ever put you in a position of you having to handle my "suicidal needs." I have a relationship with my selves, Rich and Dr. Marvin so that if I'm truly having a crisis I have to be responsible to contact the hospital psychiatrist on call. You will NEVER be put in a position by me to need to make that call for me. I know this absolutely.
I wasn't in a crisis so I didn't take it so dangerously that you took attention away from my real situation. It's not that I consider you a bad person … just that I have always taken care of my needs for the last 20 years. I was NOT suicidal when I talked to you and I did not tell you that I was suicidal. I'm very clear on this. I did say that in the past without this medicine I've had to watch for suicidal thinking. That is where I was when I last talked to you through text - I was being watchful to my own needs and the needs of our internal system.
I WASN'T suicidal and there was probably some frustration because you were carrying on a conversation that wasn't equivalent of the thoughts I was concerned with. I switched the conversation from our cousin being gay to where I was at because I thought it the right thing to do at the time.
Suicidal is not when you say the word, but when you start having thoughts of acting it out. People have to be allowed to talk about thoughts that are threatening without being put by others IN the position, which could sometimes then trigger someone to acting hastily.
When I talk to you there is a certain level of guardedness so that I know not to get over-concerned, but at that time I was pretty frustrated that you'd immediately put down my message of I'm going to talk to Rich to the part where YOU needed to talk to Rich. I think this has more to do with our past and how we related to parents when we were kids. It has to do with a perceived control over others and perhaps a little of Mom's perception of herself as being Florence Nightengale when in a spotlight.
I was always more conscientious that you had needs that took precedent over me due to many many crises. But, in talking about the present and having intimate relationships with our significant other … its inappropriate. If I were doing the same with Mark then it would be me having inappropriate reactions.
I didn't mean for this to get so long, but I wanted to make sure you understood that I'm not trying to throw the baby out with the bath water. I appreciated that you did something that you considered helpful. I know that you and I love we each other to the best that can love given our family situation of the past. I think both of us are working with this in the present and that's a good thing.
I'm available if you would like to continue this conversation or another. On the side … Dr. Marvin did give me another medicine this morning. We won't know of the other original medicine until Monday or so. The medicine that I'm being given now has to do with stimulating my mind without upsetting our anxiety levels. Usually when I'm overwhelmed I tend to sleep my way through it like I've been doing the last few days without the regular medicine. Maybe like Mark, but probably not as bad as him ... He sleeps a lot.
It's a hard connection to understand, but I trust Dr. Marvin. He's in a position of doing drug testing for UIC … he really knows what medicine is about. So that's about it for now ... I've still got the goals that if I can work 20 minutes or more that I'm doing well. I'll probably be able to go back to work by Monday if this medicine helps out. We'll have to see. It's Joe's birthday today so we'll try to set up something with him and then we'll see Rich's mom and Bud on Sunday. That's all the plans so far.
For now … take care
You are still loved :) :)
Ann Marie
Oh yeah ... and don't forget ... we've decided to pick-up some wine and a small teddy bear and chocolates. I want to make sure sweetie pie remembers he's very well loved on V-day WOOHOO! Yeah, I know with all that above the guy still got sexed last night! Maybe at least once more before he goes for good measure :) Women! We're just this tricky!
posted by Ann Marie @ 2/10/2010 02:57:00 PM
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