Jumping out and hopping into a vibrant new past time!
Good morning. This is me. We’re off to a rather late start, but have been up clearing my regular routine things like checking on email and going through my Facebook contacts. So about this time we’re back to the basic writing and then seeing what the new day is going to offer us. I feel caught up as to my general business agenda items.
We’re at the point of not being able to progress any further on the housing ideals.
I think we explained this before, but in general the numbers just don’t work out.
Also, we’ve run into fundamental differences with Rich and our general likes and dislikes. He was going for a single floor, but we’d seen cost benefits and ascetics in going for a two-story. We were though a lot further down the road in discrepancies of purchasing ability so that wasn’t even the main argument.
I don’t feel like I want to go into all that again. We will say there was some ending points in that we had an appointment with Dr. Marvin last night so we went through some of this and more. At the present moment, I don’t remember exactly what we talked about. I do know we gave him the information we’d written in our last post in conversing with Debbie Ward. I think we talked about it … just not remembering at the moment.
So, for the time being I have to admit there is some pressure off in that if there can be no room for planning in the future then at least that clears up our hopes and efforts toward working in that direction. Just means I suppose that we have room to be planning and hoping in new directions not yet known. We have to be resolved that this place is going to be our home for a long time into the future and if that is the case then what will we do with our hopes, plans and desires so that we can still be building toward comfort levels we can accept.
I’m a little too hurt by the whole process though to want to discuss all that at this time. I think we’re going to have to come up with a new flow of thoughts.
Maybe we have to hold on here a second and see where we are at with all that … or if we’re going to … well, I don’t know … let me think here for a moment.
Probably one of the first things to do is to clear my screens of pictures I’d been holding so dear and hopefully. Maybe one of the better ideas then of that is to be looking at other pictures we’ve been up to … like maybe thinking more of the quilts. I think we noted before that we’d done quite a bit of investigating on the Jinny Beyer’s quilts. I just checked – walked downstairs to see if there was any chance that my other books had come in. We’d signed for our package to be left downstairs so we were hoping that maybe something has happened, but we knew we were a mail delivery off in the wrong direction. Maybe something will be there by the end of the day. We do know that they attempted to deliver … so let’s hope for the best and that he picked up our signature card yesterday and will redeliver today.
Rich had thought it was something in the mail we didn’t know about so he picked it up yesterday or the day before so that it didn’t get to the mailman. Just gotta be practical with some things take time. I think one of the things I’m going to do in a few moments maybe is to open CS’s EQ6 program and see what I can do with it as far as getting some of the new ideas in there. Maybe we’ll hold for a second and just open it to see where it is at.
Oh man oh man … look at this!
I did this all by myself! Wow! That really floats my boat!
Sky is the limit … let me check one more thing
There it printed this for me, but it gave me trouble printing the block in that it just loosely numbered my pieces and then it said I would have to number them myself as to order that would be sewed … I might need some help with that.
Ok, ok … figured out how to do a few more things with it. (See below)
Pretty cool, hmm?
Pswhoo. We’ve been playing around for a bit. We discovered that we could get JB’s fabrics in the EQ6 program. Wow … just so much to play with … I’m like dazzled with what we can now do. It’s about noon now so you can see how much time we’ve been playing. I think we’d have to totally dedicate ourselves to a project which would mean adding a whole new library … we might want to finish the JB’s County Clare, but we also might want to go back and work with the 150 fabrics that are in my fabrics purchased group. But, then on the other hand … well I could start copying over fabrics, but I’d really like to listen to what can be done with colors after I get my new color book from JB.
Ok ... no more on houses
5.0 out of 5 stars Who would ever think geometry to be such fun! February 25, 2010
By Aynetal3 - See all my reviews
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
I went through this book last night when I finally settled down to having a couple of hours. There are ton of pictures - one each of the 165 quilts plus one each of the black and white corresponding designs, plus a whole bevy of other quilts - some in color. This is a book to study and treasure. The book also has a light plastic sheet that gives the general designs such as 9 patch, 64 squares and 8-pointed stars of 5 various categories. I couldn't have understood before reading the book how methodological these basic design tools are and how much I had under-appreciated or took fun with geometry.
Jinny only had one or two equations, but from overlaying the plastic sheet over the designs there were many, many "aha" moments when the design suddenly made sense! You can SEE IT! Jinny keeps the dialogue down to a minimum. She uses her words very carefully in a good teaching manner so that you can follow along her thinking. She diagrams her points by asking you to visualize A, B, C or further on - on the design block. She also explains working and drawing with a light to medium black marker to make the color elements of dark, medium or light fabrics. It's not as hard as it might seem and the symmetry just makes positive sense. I left feeling very intelligent, creative and ready to give her design ideas a go-around.
I'm looking forward to a 4 day weekend - I took a personal day to try and marry up Jinny's designs with EQ6 quilt design program - though Jinny explains carefully how to make paper folds and/or by using a ruler to make the design grids. I'm brimming with explorer excitement and fascination.
Jinny's work is a pleasure put to words and visual stimulation and the work is timeless though basic and to that which all quilters should place in their comprehensive mind's eye.
WooHOO! We wrote this this morning in our excitement over one of the Jinny Beyer books we’d gotten and read through last night. I was in a really really bad way yesterday and so when we had the creative idea to take the book, close the bedroom door and lay down next to the lamp – well, it was a very good idea. We not only were able to de-stress ourselves, we had a lot of clear and fluid thoughts that made us feel our life had relevancy again. I really do believe in the book and I’m learning to believe in the author.
Ok, we’re back again … It’s much later in the day. I will be leaving in about a half an hour. I will be going to see Dr. Marvin, and then we’ll be going home. I’ll be very ready for it. We did everything we needed to to have a four day weekend. Monday is Pulaski day and tomorrow Ann is taking her last personal day so we could have a four day weekend. I’ve still got … ok, maybe we said that already?
Did you know we had 20 or so days left – half vacation that needs to be used by end of June and then half we can carry over. Ok, maybe repeating self. Just kinda found our natural slump.
We’ve just been going through things with the mortgage people. I’ll set out here for the record the natural progression of things.
Hi Ann,
Do you know what Rich’s income is from Jewish Vocational Services? Is he a salaried employee with them?
Debbie Ward
JVS closed Rich's position in June of 2009 as a part of their downsizing. He was receiving compensation through November I believe.
Since he’s not employed there I won’t be able to use any income from that position. I’m guessing the income he is currently claiming is from his consultant business. Is that correct? I know he has employment listed with St. Rose Center but I did not see any W-2’s from that company so I’m assuming he’s including the income from St. Rose Center in with his consulting business. Is that correct?
Debbie Ward
Yes the current income is from the consulting business. I know his main three contracts as from St. Rose, Universal and New Hope. My understanding is that each of three businesses including St. Rose Center pay him weekly, bi-weekly or monthly. St. Rose gives him a check for consulting in the amount of $3000 bi-weekly. This is at least my understanding. I've never before inquired so much in Rich's financial concerns. He normally takes care of his business personally, and it’s been since October that he's been taking care of my business too, but our expenses come each from our own incomes - the money only meets up on rent, electric and cable. I think I've explained this before. Other companies pay him for direct services at the time they are working on Rich's contracts. My understanding is that Rich clears $7800 a month from these three consulting contracts and through working as an official for baseball, basketball, and football. Rich had told both Kim and I that I was in charge of finding the money.
I felt very bad when you asked because it hadn't dawned on me realistically that JVS not being part of his income might have a very big impact. He'd worked at JVS for over 30 years and since we're doing well enough without it it just didn't seem like a real loss. It feels like that now ... kind of a sinking feeling. I'm hoping that I haven't wasted your time in looking at our financial records. I don't know whether we'd be eligible for a loan without the set salary JVS offered. Until we hear from you I won't understand how good or bad our situation is. Please forgive me if we've abused your time. Kim had given me encouragement in that she said that if there was a way she and you would do your best for us. I appreciate that effort and your best advice.
Thanks,
Ann
Hi Ann,
The only income I can use in qualifying is Rich’s self employed income and although he makes a good amount from that he does write off his expenses so I’m only able to use $3,469.21 a month which is his reported income averaged over 2007 and 2008. That doesn’t cover the maintenance and other expenses he is responsible for paying per his divorce decree. I’m so sorry. I would love to see you get into a new home. I know you indicated that you had some credit issues so perhaps once your credit improves we can take another look at the numbers.
Please let me know if you have any questions. Again, I’m sorry I can’t help you at this time.
Debbie Ward
Dear Debbie,
Yikes - I didn't know it would look like that. Less than half of his income seems to be what is showing. I don't know if it will look different after doing his taxes, but I'm thinking we're going to need doing quite a bit before becoming mortgage ready. I had heard we might have problems due to him owning his own consulting business. I am going to forward this message also to Kim and Lisa - so that you all know how much I appreciated going through these kinds of hopes with the group of you. When I get to the point of thinking we could show enough wealth to pass, I will try running things through again. I've looked by now at many hundreds of homes, but none satisfied me like the two I found from you in either Bolingbrook or Montgomery. I have talked to Rich about the houses this last couple of days and we come in at a stalemate. Rich would like the one level where I would like the two levels. No teasing about finding a split level to satisfy the "average" of us. :)
Both Rich and I've now talked and we discussed our finances by this new light and we are talking about developing more a joint interest in his business .. there will be many more talks ahead, but in the meantime we've both agreed to start working on our incomes and saving so that we can get used to and pay for at minimum a $2200 mortgage ... Debbie - if you can shoot me one more number, could you state the income needed to qualify for a mortgage of $250,000. Or, if it's more feasible what kind of debt to income ratio we'd have to have. If we can each put some aside it will make us more comfortable with a higher cost of living and in the meantime build up our down payment both reasonably good ideas for future home buyers. I learned a lot from you. One thing I learned that was valuable was that Rich will only be paying maintenance for about 6 years - I had thought it was going to happen forever. Right now that seems an eternity to me, but in the process ... I remain assured everything we've done or will need to do is a building block toward building our dream and our future.
Thank you very much for your services and your kindness,
Ann M. Garvey
cc: Kim
cc: Lisa
Hi Ann,
As a general rule of thumb, your back end ratio which is the new house payment plus your exciting liabilities (which would include the maintenance being paid) should not be more than 45% of your income. Since Rich is self employed, the income we would use is what he is reporting as taxable income to the IRS, not the gross sales.
If you have any questions about this please let me know.
Thanks Debbie,
I guess we'll have to play it out over the years because from what I understand of the settlement was that she got 50%, which would mean he'd never qualify for a house. I don't think the legal portion is set in stone so that she has rights to go back to court for more money if she were to think he was making more. The wife chose to go on disability during the divorce process due to her stated high blood pressure. I guess this is just me being cranky. I'm still appreciative of all learned in the process of looking for a place that was mine. But, then this would be me just feeling sorry for myself ... probably best for me to be the e that just goes back to work.
Thanks for your efforts good luck in the future.
Our best,
Ann
Ann,
You had inquired about purchasing a home and help with financing of this about a week ago. That same day I left a voicemail for you but have not heard back. I thought I would touch base and see if we can still of assistance to you? Let me know if you are interested in speaking further.
Sincerely,
Stewart E. Hoyer
Thanks for the query Stewart. I had processed our financial paperwork though the mortgage people of the property that was being built and unfortunately we just found that we do not qualify. Rich is an independent consultant and it turned out his numbers were down too low due to income and because of a very high maintenance agreement with his ex. She gets 50% of his income, but the mortgage company said all debts should be fewer than 45%. He's going to be liable to her until he turns 65 so I guess we're going to be out of the market for a while unless he would earn substantially more ... which would mean she'd still want a higher maintenance agreement. Today it just feels like there is no room to win here.
Thanks for your time and attention on this case. Good luck in your work!
Ann M. Garvey
Rich,
I won't ever ask for another house. I don't think either of us really knew, but unless you were earning substantially more money - that your wife couldn't demand 50% of ... we could never buy a house. So this is the end.
Ann
The morning is progressing ... we talked without yelling - both of us :) :)
Good morning … I think I’d like to say that we started the morning off right in that the first cup of coffee has disappeared and we changed the default font to be Cambria 12 pt. See that was a good move … why were we changing it manually every day? Ok, we’re now all past that … Ann was being smart this morning – we get credit for that
This was our post of the day over on Facebook.
Ann Ludford Garvey Good morning ... woke up today and found the world did not end ... I was questioning it from yesterday after Rich said he loved my house, but didn't think we could do it yet. Not sure where to go with that though started the thoughts I might need an extra job. Felt about the worst thing you could do with dreaming is ...to crush the spirit. I remain resolute. Rich is still my knight and day. :) :)
This will probably take some time getting over, because he bit off more than we could process yesterday. I know we closed down. We stayed angry until we could focus our minds on something else. I felt bad because I was misbehaving. We came in the house last night and Rich was cooking. We pretty much walked past him and changed into our pjs and then sat down on our corner of the couch, bowed our head and closed our eyes hoping the Earth would swallow me up.
Rich brought in dinner and then said he would eat out in the kitchen so he didn’t bother us. We didn’t stop him. And, then after dinner we went into the bedroom with the door closed. The good part was that we didn’t shut down all the way – though we were shutting out. The good part came in that we brought our new book, or at least one of them. It was one of Jinny Beyer’s on patterns.
Before Rich left for his officiating meeting he came in the bedroom to tell me that he was going, but would be back in a couple of hours. We didn’t say anything. Then we spent the next couple of hours reading and comprehending the book. There were a lot of pictures because she included about 136 designs that were one or two to a page. I think we spent the last 10-12 pages of the book back out in the living room.
I don’t know how we did the transition … hmm, I know we had taken our medicine, so then decided to lay down and go to bed – with the door open. I heard Rich come in.
He answered the phone. I’m pretty sure it was Bob. He was talking out in the living room and we’d left the music on so we couldn’t hear most of his words. I’m pretty sure my behavior was brought up because when Rich was gone Bob called me up to scold me. He sprinkles in “I hear ya’” And, I think he really does, but naturally he understands his friend. He was like you could have waited … you zinged him before he left and then immediately after getting back.
All we could say was that we knew, but that he’d worked to efficiently to close us and our dreams down and that we thought we should at least be able to plan for a future, but he just stomped on everything – basically saying he didn’t ever want the responsibility of a house or having stairs would be terrible and he thought the house was beautiful, but, but, but…
We didn’t feel like we had to defend ourselves with Bob as much as we were saying there’s this other side where feelings, thoughts and emotions were happening and would need to play themselves out. I think Bob worries about frustrating Rich because he empathizes that that much pressure could have been him and that it would make him feel bad like he thought Rich was feeling bad. We did explain the feelings of being put off and put off first for so many days while he was away, and then when he got home he put us off, and then he wanted to spend time with us, but he wouldn’t deal with it. Then he wouldn’t deal with it when we woke up, and then he wouldn’t deal with it when we got to work. Each of those times he had said he’d look at the pictures the next time, and next time, but he didn’t … kept putting me off.
I don’t know if this all had much to do with our change in behavior with Rich, but I think mostly it was just getting away from those thoughts … we really did have an excellent experience with the book.
When Rich came into the bedroom, we opened our eyes and he was able to look at us without us looking mad. I think the feeling was sorrowful. He did his bedtime rituals and then came to bed. He laid down in his … you can give me a backrub mode, but we weren’t that far along yet. After a while we did lightly touch his hair. We told him we would still need to discuss it and when he asked about what we wanted to discuss we said later. But, then a little snuck out and he said a little back, but he was still being too harsh and so then we closed down again after he had to get up again to check his phone. We turned around in bed to our sleeping position and pretty much decided that was enough for one day.
The point we tried to touch on last night was that both of us should make a one year commitment to putting $650 a month aside for a house of approximate value of $250,000. That way we would both be used to saving the additional $1300 a month necessary to do a mortgage and the initial money saved would be $8,500 down and about 7,000 for closing. Rich was still saying that he wouldn’t want the responsibilities of a house, but then we were saying that we didn’t want to live in an apartment. He was like then fine move out. I said that if that were the case I’d have to move into something less and my ideal was to move up in the world.
He wanted to impress that he couldn’t put away money, but after a bit he said tentatively that if we put away money he would match us. So nothing is done, but we have that small hope. He said he didn’t know where my money was coming from, but then we told him we had applied for about 5 “at home” work positions and that we’d keep working on it. About by then the phone rang and we decided to turn over.
It had been an exhausting day. He still doesn’t understand that our conversational ability between the two of us was really horrible. I think on my part I tend to push too much and too hard and on his part – he’s holding on to negative thoughts and is absolutely certain there is no other way to look at things. He doesn’t understand the part where he is “closing me down” in a sense sucking all the air out of my idealism balloon. This seems to be one of the hardest things, because I feel that I not only have to deal with my own problems of negativity, then I have to deal with his too and he’s like an angry dragon. The communication is terrible because he wants me to listen and believe him, but he exaggerates the terrible. If I believed in that I would simply have to die.
We’ll have to talk to Dr. Marvin about it because Rich doesn’t seem like he’s moving in that direction. This is the same terrible feelings and thoughts that I’m the only one working on the relationship and that Rich doesn’t understand my needs. He might understand that I should eat a well-balanced dinner, but he doesn’t see that in ways we are emotionally starving.
He asked to be woken up at 5:30 and he was woken up at 5:35 and now it’s 15 minutes later and he’s stumbling out of the bedroom. He wants to make me breakfast and we’re saying we don’t want breakfast because it interferes with our donuts on the way to work. He then says this would be better for us … and we think “fuck-it” I didn’t ask you to do this part … then because we don’t want what he wants us to have, then we’re like obviously not ready to do anything sensible. It’s a terrible judgmental facet of our relationship.
Shoot, shoot … he’s up for 1 minute and we’re already frothing? No, we can’t keep doing this. There’s this part too where I would like not to be scolded by his friend, but then we have to think even though Bob will support anywhere that Rich is that we’d rather know where he was at than not and if the two of them need to take me on together than to hell with boundaries … let me take that on. Just then have to get over the anger of being tag-teamed. I’m pretty sure though if Rich knew that Bob was calling then he would put a stop to it, but I know that’s Bob’s way and Rich seems to need that support.
I think that after Rich gets done in the bathroom, we are going to take our shower.
Ok, that’s about now. BRB
Ok, good that is done. We took our shower, got our medicine and packed our lunch. Well part of it. Rich was packing a half sandwich I didn’t ask for. He asked if I wanted eggs. I told him no. He gives me things I don’t ask for, but doesn’t want to work with me on things I do want? This is then more about him then it is about me. We’re going to need to continue working on this so I don’t feel smothered.
Ok, we’re going to have to remain calm. We better go on to what we were …
Hmm, Rich and us been talking the last 45 minutes. Mostly its us listening and him going on … more about this later. It’s time for work now.
An Emotional Day Best Put Behind Me
Good morning. This is me. We’re getting a late start today … it’s already 10 am and Rich has made me angry. About my only priority in life is this house. He put me off for 4-5 days where while he was gone he wouldn’t look at the pictures. So then he got home last night and he again said no. I said you said when you get home. So he said tomorrow. So then I said this morning … now? And he said later at work. So then he came in to work and I said now? And he said no.
I’m pretty disgusted mad. Last night he wanted to give me a bunch of garbage of already knowing the house because of the type of houses I look at. I don’t know how to handle this much frustration.
After he had first come home, I’d messed around with him … and then he ate dinner, but there was no reason we couldn’t do it afterward and because he wouldn’t I was mad. I didn’t want him to touch me. He had taken us into the bedroom earlier than of late and he tried to hold me but we were as stiff as a rock … just a crumpled figure.
Then I told him we were more like roommates and that I was going to move into Maury’s room after he cleaned it up this week. He didn’t like that and added that if anyone were to move it should be him. We were insistent on having given him this bedroom, but I’m not going to argue … he can move out. I’d just as soon have my own space …
We’ve got such mixed feelings as to hug him or hit him. Sadly … we’re really lost in between. Then a few moments ago I shut the door. I am going to want my privacy. He had said something about getting sandwiches for lunch, but now I don’t want them. I will eat my soup and he can eat by himself. Then he said he wanted to go over CARF with me … and I said fine get Sr. Theresa’s permission first. He didn’t want to do that, but I reminded him last time I had asked her for your help she said no. I’m too angry to fit to be tied.
I have to acknowledge too that he’s going to at one point today look at it, but then disregard its reality. And, that’s going to piss me off even more. I’m not doing all of this so I don’t get a house … I’m saying I want to move and if you don’t want to … go somewhere else and stop wasting my time.
Man I sound evil. But, that’s the way I feel. I think I may have to tell sister that I need to go home. I’m not going to sit outside the door and be insulted throughout. Oh oh … here he comes.
He must know I’m pissed … he knocked on my door … apparently it was locked. I didn’t do that, but …
Ok, back … there was another skirmish. At one of those points he put his head in and said he had found time to look at it now – so was asking how to get into the FB program. I set it up for him and he adjusted toward his screen to see most of the picture and the words. He questioned when I sat down in the extra chair next to him. He said he was mad and I said fine we’re mad too. But, he read through the notes without saying anything. We didn’t say anything either.
Afterward he looked up and said it was a nice house. Then he asked me if we had looked at him sternly throughout and we said for the most part yes. Then he started to flood us with all the reasons we couldn’t do it like he didn’t think we could do stairs. I said it’s only 14 stairs for a $62,000 difference in cost. He said he’s done stairs before. Then he said we can’t afford it and he doesn’t have $83,000 to put down on a house and how that would be the only way he could afford it. I said you would NEVER have $83,000 to put down on a house … he might have said some other malarkey, but by that time his phone rang, and I left the room angrily back to my own office with the door shut. The music is on so I can’t hear him directly. I’m going to assume that he’s gone back to work and everything is a done deal.
Now we’re at fit to be tide. Just so angry … don’t know what to do. I think we have to sit still until we get some calm about us. Maybe we’re going home. Not sure of that yet. I’ll give it another hour if we can and if the situation isn’t better we’ll leave for the half day. I want some credit for being here today. I think problems are something you work out on your way to a solution. I just can’t handle no … everything is impossible and I’m not going to do anything to change it.
I just can’t handle that. So angry. Just sitting here stony trying not to cry.
The music is soft and almost melancholy.
The thoughts of being suicidal just started. Ok … girl … step back off that ledge.
Don’t need to go there. Just that when we’re really angry it becomes more real. It feels like an alternative. I need to find out about the mortgage to see if it is doable. Maybe Debbie is going to say no and then that will be it anyway.
Feel myself closing down. It’s 10:51 am. Almost 11 … then it will be 11:30 pm lunch time … did he think this whole situation was going to go away by leaving for over a week to go fishing?
I can’t deal with this much hopelessness. I feel unable to function. Wiping away the hot kind of tears. Don’t know what to think.
I deserve this on myself. I don’t think I’m going to deal with reality for a long time. Hurts too much. Why can’t we make new realities? I’m not understanding.
Just can’t deal with this much negativity. Is it now that I don’t want to be with him just because he can’t give me the house I want when I want it? It seems this is what we’re saying. I’m pretty sure on an intellectual level that would have to be a stupid thing to do then. But, I can’t think of it as impossible … I think like ok, what’s next, what’s next. This must be some kind of functional difference between us.
What have we got if we can’t dream together. What that I should worry about the days I have to fold socks. This is not the kind of reality I see in front of me … that I should focus on folding socks because its within our routine and that’s all we get is some kind of routine existence. If there is nothing to live for … thoughts of life getting better? Why isn’t just being in love with Rich good enough?
That’s the thing … it doesn’t seem good enough … keep going back to the 15 long years. If he’s having trouble clearing his head from being married. That’s his problem. He is working out his negativity from being married on me. No no no … we can’t have that we can’t do that … Life is you work, I work, I go fishing and you work, and then we work some more. Because of what? What do we work for? What are our hopes and dreams … isn’t there something special we try building up for. To live in the same place with the same routines forever doing the same kind of disagreements and arguments – I just don’t see the purpose. I feel like screaming get out get out!
Do I mean that … do I want to step into that land mine? It can’t have any benefits … am I ready and willing to put everything on the line right now … there may be no turning back.
Rich just sent me this in email …
That was my bank, my account just went minus. I have not been paid by New Hope yet this month and at this point I have not received any money from Universal in 3 weeks. I am only making if everyone pays me 33,120 per year. I have minus what I must pay my wife. That is 2760 per month. With this I must pay my car and insurance of about 600 per month. My boat is 180 per month. My health insurance is 520 per month. My second mortgage is about 300 per month. My gas and car expenses is about 800 a month and to our house about 1000 per month. There are other expenses too but this totals up to 2900 already.
I know that I am not making enough money and desperately need to increase my earnings. I am working hard on my focus. I would be in good condition if I did not pay almost 40,000 to lawyers in the last two years , have to pay alimony, lost my job of 70,000 and pay down my debt some 30,000 dollars. Of course my debt would be much higher.
I hope to rebuild myself over the next 3 years. I feel my sales could increase my pay some 3500 dollars. We pray that I am of value to both St Rose and New Hope and that I can continue officiating or find a replacement which could add an additional 1500 dollars to the 3500. To do this I must remain focused and work extremely hard. Oh I know I fish and play cards once in a while but the reality of this is that if I work I really wish the freedom to do this.
I would like to someday own some more property; I would someday like to buy a home for you. I however realize that I never really took care of what I did own and at present we don't take care of what we need to in the apartment. Therefore what I own need to be as maintenance free as possible. I know that someday my legs will give out so I know that it must be a single level home. Basements are acceptable.
I feel more stress today at not being able to fill my goals than ever before because of how I am being pushed. If I cannot afford what I have right now then I must accomplish goals to increase my revenues so that I may in comfort move ahead. I used to deliver pizzas and deliver newspapers to make the mortgage. I am just too old to do that again. It is important to be supported during this time and to be looked upon like I don't care or am not capable is very disturbing to me. I can accomplish a lot but not if I am not supported. You are the only one ever to let me speak my mind and listen and I feel now that is lost. I have tried to give you what I can but will not forsake what I once promised nor establishing a safety net for my kids. I cannot look to you to support me in the future your bills exceed mine at this time. If we are to have a home in the future it can only be done with hard work and dedication. I will not buy in hopes of the future but can consider it in a secured future. Sometimes I don't have to be told of all my shortcomings, I look in the mirror every day of my life and know what they are. I have however succeeded in the past and expect to do so in the future.
No home you have presented is bad, they were all beautiful. It is just not time to make a move like this now. It is however a time for me to secure my future and in doing so yours. What I need is for you to believe, if you cannot, then my belief falters as well.
Love
Rich
I can’t think straight. I’ve gone into a bit of a shock. I don’t know what to think … I just skimmed the writing … I know I’m supposed to care. Wouldn’t that be the right thing? How can I be so insecure and unstable?
Rich seems to be asking something of him to believe, but I don’t know if I believe.
I don’t know if I can handle believing … like believing in what? I don’t know what to do or think. I’m like being glazed over in crying and tears.
Is it that I’m feeling sorry for myself? This must be it … it’s the sound of someone’s heart breaking. I couldn’t do it twice – find the wrong person? Maybe it’s just me … I’m the wrong person. I’m back to thinking I shouldn’t be here. I’m not sure what to do … I don’t know what to think.
We just looked at our bank account. There is like $384. If we paid the last bill before the next money comes in – school loan that would be $146, plus $60 needs to go in for paying rent and car and $50 should stay in bank. That means I could give Rich $128.
I want to go home. Rich just came in and smiled. He had his coat on … he put a sandwich on my desk, but I don’t want to eat it. I just want to go home. What do I do? Pretty soon I’m going to need going to the bathroom.
It seems like my mood has lightened somewhat … I don’t know if it’s just because we changed parts. I don’t know what to think. Maury called this morning to say that his uncle John Gancer is going to die within this week. His cancer has spread everywhere. I think they just started dealing with it 3 weeks ago. Maury was having a hard time with it, but we didn’t know what to really say. We made sure he knew that we’d always liked John and that he’d always had accepted us. I asked about the kids. Maury thought he had 3 kids. It’s a pretty terrible thing to happen to him and the family. Maury said that John’s kids are between college and late high school.
I’m not sure if John married the girl he was going with when I last talked with them. I don’t remember her name, but her mother had owned an antique shop that the daughter took over. She was a very nice down to Earth person. I don’t even know if they got married and have been together all this time. I remember now … her name was Sue. I don’t know what happens and again like before we think of our own death. This is probably not a safe place to go though right now. We feel terribly depressed.
I had originally wanted to take off Friday because it would be a 4 day weekend. I’m not sure if I can make it that long. Checks should be given out on that day, but maybe Rich could pick up the check.
I feel better in some ways worse than others. The emotional part isn’t there so much … feels just tired. I think crying takes that out of you. I did go to the bathroom without saying anything to Rich, but I did eat his half sandwich. Alone.
We did something else, but now we don’t remember. Maybe checked something with email. I’ve heard Rich outside our door a few times … he gets periodic phone calls. Oh I remember something. We went back over to read Rich’s email.
We came away from it with the belief that he has about $2000 he didn’t include in the income … just a couple of weeks ago he told us that he had been at $10,000 a month, but was now taking in $7800. Now he’s taking in $5800. He might have gotten a bank call saying he was overdrawn. Can’t imagine him making something like that up, but he’s been on vacation eating, sleeping and using gas like crazy … I don’t feel he’s destitute. I don’t know the part of picking up checks or not. I’m thinking he’s probably telling something pretty close to the truth, but it’s surprising not to hear of it til now.
Of course I’m concerned. But, it doesn’t excuse the situation as to not planning.
If he’s that desperate he is going to need following through on the resume as he stated he might do or he’s got to work on something more concrete for sales. I don’t feel emotionally ready to invest that much time in this. I feel a little concerned when money woes only come up when convenient in an argument.
I feel like there is an overriding concern here that we plan realistically what could or needs to happen in the next three years. This is the first time I heard that date and as to my knowledge it’s ungrounded. Why not two years, one year?
When I was putting myself into the equation of being paid for sex – I thought twice a week for 52 weeks – that would $10,000 … I figured that’s what I need for a down payment. None of this ridiculous $83,000. With $8000 tax, and money for PMI and insurance then a $250,000 – 83,000 = 167,000 and for 15 year loan at 6% that would be a payment of about $1,788. For a $240,000 loan under the same conditions the monthly payment would be $2,248 or about $460 extra a month. It makes more sense to do it monthly so you could be living in the house … because the only other way to do it is to not live in the house … save $460 a month for the next 15 years, but by then … why would you want to buy a house and what kind of cost are houses going to be by then?
Then Rich says he’s going to have bad legs and must have a single floor, but that a basement is ok … Like doesn’t a basement have stairs? Too much a contradiction.
Ok, now this would be a plan I would consider. What happened we were to look at saving $300 a week. That would average out to 1300 a month multiply that by 12 months which would be $15,600. That would leave $8,750 for a 3.5% FHA loan and almost $7000 for closing or other new home related expenses. That also would mean that we practice for the next year having $1300 a month being put aside from our normal incomes or in meeting that requirement … Basically a mortgage, insurance and taxes for a $250,000 place at 5% is going to cost $2200 and $1300 is the difference of the $900 we are accustomed to paying now.
Then to be fair the question would be how could I earn half of that or an extra $650 a month. I’d have to do that much if I were going to ask Rich to save the same.
Ok, so we’re going to get yelled at for the money issue again, but we spent about $35 signing up to an Internet site that had companies needing workers such as data entry specialists. We sent out three applications, and will do some more later.
There were a lot of names of companies to go through. The rule is that no one that advertises for employment at this site may ask for money. The companies seemed real … I might have to consider a medical transcription school though. I saw that that’s where the big bucks data operators are, but most of them were asking for like 3+ years of experience.
Rich had left another message for me since we still weren’t talking to him when he left a couple of hours ago. He said:
Hi, going to Universal now, then to cleaners, grocery shopping and plan to have dinner about 5:00 PM.
I’m going to try to meet all my obligations for baseball training this week. I will go to meeting for UMPs tonight and it looks like my certification training and rules meeting obligation can be met on Sunday. I still plan to have xmas for Chris on Saturday after my basketball games in the morning. I will make $120 on Saturday.
See you at dinner
Love
Rich
Yeeks that sounded biting … the part that he said he’d make $120. Makes me feel better that before he sent it I was looking for a means of earning an extra income. More on this later ... very tired of full afternoon of searching for a new position.
The last position applied for was as a keyword proofreader, but I didn't proof the letter before sending out and mistakenly typing the wrong year *sigh*
Oh Lordy ...
Good morning. This is me and we’re back at it again. I’ve only got a small amount of time because we’ll be working today on a client meeting. For the most part all we can think about is that Fishyman is coming home. For better or worse, he’s coming home. I miss him terribly, but at the same time we’ve appreciated having some space and doing things on our own.
We talked to Maury yesterday about maybe taking over his room. Not so that he’d have to move his things out … Just that we’d be changing the bed and some of his things would go in drawers. I can understand his fear in that just because he’s staying over ALL the time at his girl friend’s, in truth they’ve only been together 2 months, so maybe that is not permanent and he might need the option of coming back to our place.
I told him that any time he wanted to stay at the place that it only be a change of sheets. He of course had questions as to why I wanted the separate room. We answered them as close to we could in our not-quite thought out mode, but it was hard, because we don’t really know ourselves except feel we need the space. He asked and we answered no probably not when he said would moving to another bedroom really help. We just knew that we were angry and had to do something.
I know that we have to wait it out and see where we are at with Rich actually home, but I do feel some breathing space in having options … I don’t want to be locked into anything that feel’s uncomfortable.
I did talk to him last night and we told him about the part where we were going to start charging for sex. He took it tongue in cheek and couldn’t say much because he called when both he and Ron were in the car together on their way to Kentucky. I know most likely it won’t be followed through, but I need to get some kind of point across that I’ll be looking for to save a nest egg and it’s going to need coming out of some sort of ambition. I figure if we had sex twice a week that we’d have enough to put down within one year. We gotta start somewhere. We could call it maybe some kind of love tax. Hmm, that seems to go alright … AND he wouldn’t have to report it on his taxes.
I think that could work.
Maybe it’s time we took a refresher walk through the building. Let’s see what happens there.
Gosh … it sure is a beauty! We got another email from Lisa and we responded back.
Sometime in the next few days if not weekend we will most likely take a trip with her to check the place out … and add up some of the options to see what kind of price we’re talking about. Hopefully by then we’ll get something back from Debbie the mortgage person to see where we are at. I’d be so thrilled if she said Rich could finance like $300,000 then we would feel better coming in at like the $232,000 with about $20-25,000 in options. It would at least be some step forward.
I love the shot with the balcony … It’s just so gorgeous. I think Rich is going to be impressed too though I don’t know if he’ll be impressed enough to spring for the bigger house if any. It’s just the house is less than the Patriot in Bolingbrook.
The only thing that has benefit is the single floor and 15 minutes in. I also really like the kitchen. I know I’ve mentioned here that the kitchen in Montgomery is no slouchy kitchen … Just that that one thing architecturally intrigues me. But, to be honest I think it’s just too small a place without being able to add the basement … but, that’s a terrible deal for me because we lose the sewing room, the bigger double offices, the fishy room, the extra bedroom and the loft – plus for the $232,000 rather than $293,000 or $61,000 difference you get the basement thrown in too for the lesser property. It wouldn’t be finished, but it would allow us some storage space. That’s got to be a point somewhere in consideration.
I really like the idea of the extra bedroom in considering that if Jillian is still planning on coming home she’d have an alternative place to stay with us. She could also be putting things in storage in the basement if she wanted. I don’t think she’d have that option at her moms because I think Chris is taking up pretty much all the basement. That whole plan it itself might be good for the mother to know that some days she would be sleeping at her dad’s and that just isn’t a deal to lose so much anger over. He is half the girl’s parents whether she wants to admit that or not.
I feel a little impatient with the day in that the Ryland people don’t open for business until after 11 am and then we have the noon meeting, and then supposedly between 2 & 4 Rich should be getting in. It’s just a whole lot to get through today and we’re pretty frazzled. When I talked to Rich he said that he would look at the place when he got home, but that he hadn’t been spending much time on his computer.
He did what I knew he would in talking about being behind in business. We told him that we didn’t want to hear of it and that he still had a day to be on vacation.
It’s going to be bad enough when he gets back I didn’t want to upset Ron’s trip back by Rich fretting about everything he knew didn’t get done. That’s part of being in business for yourself – handling the days you are not on the job. Those are all choices. I do feel some frustration that he got the nice vacation, time away from me, and then he’s going to complain about the work that’s waiting for him. Just doesn’t seem fair.
Good … good … we checked the bank statement and we were returned the $99 that we were worrying about yesterday. That’s a good deal. We’ve got about $383 in there … I think we’ve got some more things coming out of there and we’re going to need money in there enough to pay the 900 + 455 for rent and car. That’s going to take a little bit extra – maybe about $50 over the top from the check – but as far as I can see most things out of the $383 have been paid with the exception of the lesser of the two school loans. I know that it’s going to be tight, but feel assured we’ll get through it. By a week from now we should be getting the second check and more importantly Rich’s payment – that will help us with the gas that we will need about then. We’re still going to need worrying about paying for Dr. Marvin’s parking.
Maybe on a far-fetched note Rich can pay it if he comes with us. Wouldn’t that be quite the deal? Let’s hope for that.
Oh Lordy how are we going to wait?
Ok, well that helped. We did a bunch of work. We did the report for the client so we’d have some time left on this other end while waiting for the meeting. As it turns out we have just 15 minutes and most likely fewer because the state rep usually comes in early to be on time.
We did talk to Debbie on the phone. She was real nice. I was so frustrated trying to get her the copy of Rich’s financial paperwork, and it wasn’t going through, but it turned out it did save in my email box, so we just had her go to that and download. She deals with money and seems to have a good reputation so I’ll trust that she’ll close it. It was funny in the process of getting from one place to another; she noticed I had a folder for Marines. This was when we were doing more with MarineParents.com. Turns out she has a son currently enlisted in the Marines in infantry and that he’s done two tours of duty in Iraq. I know we’ll get back to her with that, but Man … just so nice to run into another Blue Star Mom!
I talked to Sr. Theresa in the middle of all that too. She came back to check on something and then she talked about getting the CARF letter saying that we’ll be surveying May 5 – 7th. I guess that’s that then … pretty much I better start getting something in order or we’re going to end up with CARF coming back too soon.
AND, I don’t want that. I still want to go home after the meeting so we can be meeting Rich. We talked to Sister about that so I guess it would be kind of transparent that we want to go home and meet him.
Right about the time we were talking to Sr. about him, he called to talk to Sr. He said something about his schedule and something he was going to do with one of the DSPs for the workshop. It was funny seeing sister smile as if warmed between the two of us. For me it was just nice hearing that he was coming in. Sr. said he was driving from Kentucky. That was one of the questions. She didn’t know if he were back or not.
I did sign my name in the attendance book while I was up front getting papers copied. I forgot though to note how many days off I had left. Those half days sure do make a difference … maybe we’ll call Rich to check his time.
Ok, we’re back again … we were doing stuff for a while – think like we paid CARF $4125 to harass me.
Unfortunately, we had bad news from Rich in that he was having a hard time getting out of Indiana because of an accident on the expressway. He took a detour and fortunately has his handy dandy computer map to get him in and out of anywhere.
Good Rich. He had some stuff to do though before getting home. He had to drop the boat at his Mom’s and then go drop of Ron, and then he had to go to a customer’s and then he was going to meet me and Bob for dinner.
The delay though seemed to have added about 3 – 4 hours on his trip. He probably won’t get home now until about 6:30 pm – 7 pm. We’re pretty dragged out about that. We’d considered going home early, but it doesn’t seem justified now. We did call Bob and let him know that Rich was behind so that he wouldn’t mess up Bob’s schedule. He said he’d call Bob later, but Bob’s the kind of guy that likes forewarning. *sigh*
This sure is a long vacation! It’s giving me a headache!
On the more positive side … it does give me a chance to go home and clean up there a bit. I didn’t get the dishwasher unloaded so there are some dishes on the counter and there’s a few socks by the couch. I know I know … not a whole lot, but enough.
We stacked up some clothes on the bedroom chair too.
I thought I was going to go home and clean Maury’s room, but when we went in there … it was just a little too depressing. It had smells and it was cold because the door isn’t open. He had his stuff all over everything. Blah! Too much work. BUT, we’re saving it for an option if Rich is going to be always angry and cranky and whiney. Hmm, that sounds like me! Well, there can’t be two of us!
Ok, that's about it for a days wrap
*sigh* still a lot of dreaming to do. I have come conclusively how we can help Rich bring in a better income. I think that I have to bring in like an extra $4-500 a week or $80-100 a day. And that’s just cleared money – not gross. So we’re looking at like $15 an hour we’d have to do like $33 an hour … we’re not even making that much now. Maybe we’ll have to go back into job searching again. Yesterday we found some jobs that Rich might be interested in that would provide some good income, but I’m not sure if that’s the route to go because he’s so close to retiring … I wouldn’t want him to have to start over again.
I don’t’ know this situation seems impossible unless we were to go back to the idea that our writing could earn some money. Maybe it’s time that I went back toward that avenue again. The last time we were at a stage where we were getting propositioned by someone wanting us to pay for the book to be published. We were dealing with Dorance Publishing.
I don’t know how to get it published or to get it to an agent that might be able to get it pushed through somewhere. I wonder if there was one who could work just on a profit from selling the books.
Hmm, couldn’t find a copy of the book on my flash drive – just copies of the old thing script before the first book was edited. I don’t want to think too hard about that just yet … I’ll look at my computer at home. I did find the invoice over to the printing company … and that I’d sent copies to Vickie and Vince. I’m thinking now at this point that attachments don’t save in the old letters. I may have known that before it seems familiar.
I’m sure that it is somewhere. Maybe we better put that on the side too. Shoot shoot … just fretting because we’d gotten nowhere in trying to do something with the book before. It seems like I need a little help with it and the project wasn’t finished in that the majority of it hadn’t been edited. I really don’t want to go all through that route again, but might have to especially if Rich puts in a big no.
There … I did something special. I looked up ghost writer and sent in some information for someone to get back to me. That makes me feel as if I’ve done SOMEthing! The ghost writing cost I’m thinking would be like 10% of the profits and I’d certainly be willing to do something like that. Just couldn’t afford to really do an upfront cost and I’m thinking it’s going to go there. I should let those thoughts go, but I do have to say that it be pretty neat to have someone very good at writing go through all the information and put it in some kind of legitimate shape that would sell … at least enough for me to earn a house. Sure would like to put $350,000 cash down. Hehehe but we’re pretty sure that we’re putting the egg way in front of the chicken.
Ok, so what has to be done today. We’re thinking here in our personal, because there is just so much work tolerate. I talked to a DSP about getting some paperwork in for a staffing, sister called me about some client that has issues (well at least the mother), and we got a call to submit something on one of our clients to the state. Pretty sure we don’t have that done. It seems to be our life’s mission to not accomplish. We will see a bit later in the day what we are going to do with that. I think she is asking for the year before this one … so I’m not so excited about trying to take up that cause.
As to our imaginary world? Shoot now why do you have to frame it like that? Can’t we believe in our progress?
I’m not sure if we mentioned it or not, but we got in the material for Joe and Cari’s quilt. I’m really in love with the fabric and think that Cari is going to love it too. Joe will love that we did something home made. I really do want to do good work for them. The colors are just SO vibrant. Sister talked about the quilt that is going in for the Spring Fling. She’s asked if she can sell the quilt that we made for her Christmas present. We felt that we had to say yes. I did send a long a message to CS. The quilt has been going on unfinished since last summer. I don’t think she’s interested in the project and even if I took it over I’m not sure how we’d get the quilting part done. That’s the decorative stitching that goes on the top.
That’s enough of that subject … we’ll see what CS says … I think she’s going to be relieved there’s some other option. I don’t think she’s really excited about the big quilt. We’ll see.
I think this morning we covered briefly some of the things that happened over the last day or two so we don’t want to go too much into all that now. I do want to add an extra note that we had a very good time with Marcia and Bob, and then later just Bob. I don’t know what kind of repercussions we’re going to get from Rich later, but I’m thinking he’s going to want to separate me from Bob again, because that kind of stuff seems to aggravate him – like now he’s saying that he doesn’t want me going out to talk to his mother every week or so … just to have a girls time.
Some things are very hard to understand with Rich. I did let him know that I’m very unhappy with our communicating back and forth and how argumentative it has to be.
Dr. Marvin said if I could it be a good idea to bring him in so we could talk about that. I think Rich is closer than he ever has, but I think it would take a major upset to bring him in all the way and then there’d have to be follow-up, but I’m thinking he would think he’s taking up too much of my time with Dr. Marvin. I think in reality too that he just needs someone on his own to talk with, but the process would be too costly and take forever.
If Rich and I could go through life talking at reasonable levels then we wouldn’t have to do something, but I really blew a gasket after he stated that he wouldn’t check into whether or not the quit deed was against the rules. I had similar problems in other areas that involved houses, but we’re mostly on this part where we are very frustrated in not getting hopes of ever getting out of the apartment, or if he refuses to talk seriously about a house. I’d like it naturally to be about the house I selected, but we’ll need to take a day or two longer to find out whether Rich can at least be credit worthy. We are pretty sure again that I’m not going to be able to be on the loan because of my bad credit.
Hmm, CS has been texting back and forth. When she wants to communicate she can.
She says not to give away the Christmas, but that might be already a done deal. She says she’s working on the other quilt now and we’ll try to finish it by the end of the week. She says she can quilt the top on her sewing machine. We’ll have to see … she wanted to back that one up by giving away the log cabin, but I like that one too much. We’ll see. Maybe she needed some extra motivation. Don’t think I’ll be able to save the Christmas one though … sister said she found a basket for it … so thinking it’s already being packaged to sell. It’s ok … I told sister that I remembered when she would one day leave St. Rose Center … she’d only be packing 3 suitcases and memories. It’s not like the sister’s to keep much. I’d like to think she’s selling it because she feels it’s worth money.
I could always make her another though giving her my first all alone quilt was something special too.
The fishy quilt had some progress this weekend. We finished two more fishes and only have four more left. Bob said no reason to hurry I had plenty of time until Christmas … we kinda giggled. That was nice of him to take some pressure off. It was a big project. Maybe if CS can do the top on her sewing machine maybe we could do the top of those and Joe’s on her machine too. She could show me how then we’d just do our best. I think all around between Rich, Bob, Joe and Cari they’d much prefer we try then send it out for an extra cost to CS’s person.
Yeeks … that tears up that idea – a ghostwriter would charge like $8-12,000 for about 275 pages. I don’t see that as happening. If I had that kind of money I would put it down on the house directly. It would be very interesting though to see what someone could do with it. I wonder too how much time it would take to do that much writing. I know it is a good thing so much of it is already put together – and it’s all in order and the thoughts are pretty comprehensive. But, then I’m thinking that they would charge a whole new fee for the publication of it. I didn’t see that included in the cost. I’m still of the old school where if you write something you are going to want someone to pay for it.
I might take it if they said we’ll use your material and they get 50% of the profit … that would tell me they thought it would be worth $10-12,000. I don’t think they are going to offer that …especially without seeing the material. I wrote David back and said thank you, but I don’t have that kind of money. I don’t expect now to get something back, but it would be nice nonetheless. Better let that set of thoughts go.
Ok, we just gotta be thinking … we’re going to get past a Monday aren’t we.
I’m digging in here pretty good … I looked at another ghost writer place, but it seemed to be only like one person who somehow had a net of ghostwriters. I didn’t like how he or she was writing to future ghost writers – it was all about money and no verification of quality. There was at least some form of paying in over time – even if you only put down a couple $500’s a year. But, in general the effort was going to cost $3-5000. I have to give up the idea that I can afford to pay for these kinds of services.
I’ve always held out that if I wrote and wrote that one day we would be rewarded for that effort. I need someone though who could look upon my work with favor and assist me toward getting it to services where there wouldn’t have to be payment, but now-a-days you are paying people to produce for you and most likely take some command over future revenues.
Better I be thinking how much I could made for working at a 7-11
Ok, one more inquiry … 3 for the day should be enough. I’m really terrible at follow through. There might have to be a chapter on that alone. It would be cool if someone could take my material and categorize it to take up some of our normal issues like all we do in avoidance of work behavior. *sigh*
I am thinking right now it just be nice if Fishyman got home. I’m guessing that they probably will stop fishing about noon-2 pm and then they’ll start on their way home. I’m pretty sure by now they are packed. They are going to do just part of the travel today – like getting to about Kentucky and then they’ll wake up tomorrow – hopefully early. If I didn’t have a staffing I might have taken off the day just so we could have messed around all afternoon. *sigh* It’s going to be ok, it’s going to be ok.
I knew it was going to get tougher the closer we got to the time. I just want to be babied, but we’re thinking that Rich is going to be stiff and sore and want to be babied himself. But, I’m not sure if the one on vacation gets to be the one that gets to be babied. I am enormously fond of the guy. Ok, just one more *sigh* here and then we should try to move on? Man how did we get into such a sudden mushy mood.
I wonder if he’s missing us at all? I think from the sound of taking an extra day for fishing that he doesn’t really want to come back. I’m thinking that I’m part of the overall process that drove him into his escapism. He’ll have to come back fairly soon just to feed us!
Hmm, decided to check our bank account … It says I have $414.42 in there. It also shows I’ve now paid for med bus, gas, ballys, bakers square, rhapsody, amazon, wells fargo, sprint, Comcast, sleep center, med recover, Jinny Beyer, mobile me … what what …
Well mostly everything seemed normal, except the gas station charged me twice as much, but the bank says they all charge that and then they give back the right amount which is good because I only had $35 gas. AND then there was the mobile me account. I’d canceled that account in December. $99 was the service charge for an entire year. But apparently I had two accounts and I never knew that. But, the guy was named Guy and he was real nice. He could tell there wasn’t any activity on the other account so he closed it officially. He said it might take like 3 days to get the money back, but that it would happen. I had no reason to doubt him … it was a quick efficient call.
AND, then I wrote myself a note, saved it, and then sent a copy to Rich in case he sees that money and wants to get mad at me before he knows what happened.
I’m really quite afraid of him coming back with all his anger. I just wasn’t dealing with all that and now that I have had a break from it I really don’t want to go back to it. I talked about it for a few minutes with Bob. I talked of the mistrust and anger both. I’m not sure how Bob is going to handle it, but it seems he’s going through it with Rich too. Rich just wants always to be right, he gets mad when someone contradicts him, and there’s that part of mistrust where I can’t go out of the living room without him knowing what I’m going to do. That part bothers me a lot. I’m hoping he’s not going to be mad that I spent some time with Bob – because Marcia was sick and Bob was by himself too.
I’d like to have Rich come home and tell me that its going to be ok and there’s no reason for him to get bent out of shape.
I really was toward the end of last week ready to shuck the whole thing. I told that to Bob after I’d calmed down. I know he said that he likes us both … I didn’t mean to upset him like that – Just said that maybe Rich is going to come live with him after all. I was so mad … I had had two professionals tell me that Rich was breaking the rules and it was threatening any chance of me getting in a house. Rich was like it didn’t matter anyway … and it was like so your going to throw my future away with yours? Then he was like I’m tired. I’m going to bed … and so it was like fine. I wanted to hang up but I waited for him to say something or hang up first.
When it became evident that both of us had frozen, I said I’m going to hang up the phone now, bye.
The next morning is when he called back to say that he loved me. I was then like … ok … so how was your day? But, we’ve been guarded all week. I know the next day he’d called with the full TV blaring and Ron loudly on the other phone. I couldn’t hear his words and asked him if he could step outside the room, but he said it was too cold and he was tired. So then it became ok – well we’ll talk to you later. He seemed better after that, but apparently he really needed to get away from us. At least as we said before … no one is arguing with us.
I think we are going to need thinking of some alternatives. Could we, should we, or would we ever kick Rich out. It seems like that be a very bad deal for him, but then there has to be some way of saying – hey you don’t own me and have no rights to be yelling at me for everything. If it’s not the yelling it’s the arguing. We don’t seem to be getting along at all, but then some part switches and were like having some pretty hot sex. But, then its like he doesn’t need me again and I don’t know what to do.
Rich knows we’ve been spending a lot of time with the houses. I don’t know if that’s necessarily getting me any further along. I just have to know my options.
Do I have any options? It seems more like the house without Rich there was actually big enough. This will be especially the case if Maury leaves. He’s not staying around anymore anyway. We’re just holding some of his junk. Well there’s some nice junk … he’s got his new TV in there, but most the rest is not good.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with the room after he moves out. The big deal would be separating out my desk, table and sewing cabinet from the living room or the kitchen, but then would we keep a bed and dresser? Besides I know that our living room is crowded, but those are liked the staked out Ann things in there. One of the things we did find was the longer Rich was gone the more apt we were to go back into using them. I was really happy we could do some work on the computer and with the drafting table. I think part of that secret is to keep the other areas cleaned off. I guess the other bedroom will go back to being a guest room, though I think we’re going to have to make it neater. I would like to think that Jillian or Jon could stay over and feel comfortable at our place.
I don’t know how that whole situation is going with Jillian without Rich around all week. Last we heard she was separating from Dawna and looking to finish school and move back north with her mother. I think she’d prefer to live with her father, but everyone seems to know that would drive the mother really crazy. But, I’d like to think she could do sleepovers. I think we’re going to work toward that end in mind. Plus it be really nice to wake-up sometime with Jon in the house. I hold no hope that Chris will ever be in the same room with me. I’m pretty sure too that there will be no way I’ll be going to his wedding. I’d just put too much upset there even if Rich did think it was ok, if we can’t meet outside the circle then why would anyone think it better in that circumstance?
Well, actually I don’t know anyone who would think it better, but we’re just going to let this one slide.
I don’t know for sure what I could do to make the room nicer. Keeping the kitties out of it might have been a good idea. I think the couch is going to stay there.
Maybe we should take the fireplace mantel down? Then we could put up some extra pillows instead of a headboard. I like my mantel, but it’s pretty obvious that no one else likes it. I wonder if there was someone we could give it to who might be able to use it. Maybe we’ll ask Maury to ask his father if he wants it. He could at least make it look nice and repurpose it. I’ve certainly after 20 years gotten my share out of it and I think it would make Rich happier.
I think Maury’s TV is going to stay there unless he or Rich switched the TV in our room to the one in that room. I won’t throw away any TVs unless there were more than one each room. I might go to the store and find a stud finder and try to hang up the design walls myself. I don’t like that Rich won’t do anything and I don’t like that I’m being so helpless. I’m also going to find something to hang up the quilt in the kitchen. Especially now moving out of the colder seasons, it would be better up than not. I can ask at the hardware store how you would hang a 100 inch blanket. Maybe since we’re not getting pictures from Rich’s kids we could hang up the other quilt if it ever gets made in the hallway across from the kids pictures.
Be nice though too if the two matching quilts were finished and they would go with Bob and Rich to fishy places. Just maybe not over the hot summer months – I do hope they show up together with them at least once and make all the other fishy people jealous! Hehe.
Maybe if I were going to take out anything from the living room to give it more space, it would be the coffee table. But, that gets used for a jillion things.
Just it’s a big piece and we’re constantly walking around it. It would take up the whole of any space left in the bedroom though. *sigh*
I’ve been watching the shows and how people make rooms look nicer by taking stuff out. I’m not ready to give up on my bookshelves. Actually I’ve already orientated them to the new space in the new house. I think Rich and us are going to have a heart to heart and if he can’t find a practical schedule – instead of one day having a house, then I should be getting rid of SOMETHING… or someone? Maybe I made it too easy for Rich in giving him a place to live. It never forced him into paying big money for his own place so that he might appreciate better coming into terms with us living together on purpose rather than off of my situation.
If he were to leave, he could take the desk, tv consul and TV and bed with him.
Those are the things I figure by now are his or have earned as his. That’s about enough to make a guy happy. I don’t know though whether he’d just go over to Bob’s. I know Bob has an extra room from the kid and is sorta being reused as Marcia’s or the baby’s or something like that. Rich going over there would be the stronger suit for Bob.
Then maybe Rich could come over sometimes. But, not all the times. I do like very much this sense of using my space without being told do this or do that. Like my father said about this situation … why buy the cow if you are getting the milk for free. It be a matter for me to survive on my own. I think I would have to get rid of the cell phone and the cable so that I could eat. Or, maybe at least cut down on the cable. I think Comcast has a phone service to be bundled for only like $20-25.
I could get a $50 GPS so that it wouldn’t be necessary on my phone. I don’t know how to do it without Rich’s $600 … that’s the bad part. I suppose the only reasonable thing would be to get another job. It’s hard to understand that in order to pay for my place I have to leave it for work.
Hmm, that’s a thought. I wonder if Rich and us could become regular roommates. You know that might work. I could get my own bedroom! Wow … that’s a really good idea! I wonder … probably could work out something with Maury in that we’d clean it up and if he needed to stay over he could do it … Maybe we could leave him one of the closets, but I think Rich has pretty much used up at least one of the closets since I emptied it out. But then he might put some of that stuff in the closet we’d leave him from our bedroom. I could keep Maury’s TV until he was ready to leave.
Now then … what would be the purpose of moving out of the bedroom? I don’t mean to punish Rich … I’m not sure exactly what the point would be except to recognize each of us as two separate people. If there’s no marriage, no getting a place together, and no plans toward the future then maybe it would seem more appropriate to just be roommates.
There that was easy enough. I called Maury and left a message for him to call me.
I told him that I’d like to use the space since he was no longer there. I told him he could store his stuff there to whenever, but that I’d like to be able to use the bed, couch and surface tops. That seems clear enough to me.
He’s going to ask why and I’m going to need telling him something. Maybe just that I’ve enjoyed having some time to myself and that I want to spread out a bit because I’m feeling cramped … that makes sense to me. As to Rich … there’s not so much difference in explanation. I’m feeling cramped and want to spread out. The big difference is that I’d have an option to go somewhere that was mine at night if I wanted to watch my own TV or stay up til whenever. If I were going to use the drafting table or desk I would have to use the living room. This is not like a full separation. Just that something has to go. I’m going to want to get up and not hear whining that I’m going to my bedroom now. If he wanted a date or sleep over, then he’d have to work a little harder at charming me.
Wow that sounds incredibly crabby. But it be about the same anyway. I think he should have to work a little harder to wow me. If it were the older days he would have had to give his intentions to someone. Maybe that’s what I’m looking for now.
What are your intentions?
Hmm, that froze me up of drifting for a few moments. We seemed to have lost our place.
Intentions sounds too much like marriage, but I’m thinking here … more like are your intentions honorable sir? Comes across now too the thoughts is he going to make me an honest woman? I think though between the house and marriage … I would like the house. Then it would have to be nice if I were going to be the one to have some space. Maybe I better take both. Naw neither … what do I care? Grrrr … you care a lot.
That seems to be a problem.
So how did we get to this part where we’re semi-moving out? I know we couldn’t afford to move out all the way. It seems as if we have a week argument in that we’re pretty sure that Rich is the good part of this deal and we’re the bad part.
That’s why we don’t have nothing or do nothing or are worth anything. Just a loose sex toy.
Is this what happens to women who are denied pleasures after a week? We’re pretty much ready to jump ship? Well, at least it feels like this. Maybe he should know this? We can’t call him yet. We’re not sure if he’s headed back, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he changed his mind and came back, but then that would be getting our hopes up too high.
Hey isn’t this the enemy? Well, no it’s not like he’s ever been an enemy … just someone who takes us for granted. Isn’t he supposed to do things that are nice for me? You know besides things like reminding us to heat up our food. He’s supposed to make some kind of sacrifice … you know something worthy of having waited 15 years for him. I can’t imagine what a man would think of this entire conversation. Yes, women make absolutely no sense? But then there’s that point, I think that even Bob could see it where Women need some sense of security. I’d just like to say I have to trust myself … wonder if that would include doing my own dinners. Hard to tell where something like this is going to lead.
Bob added an element earlier in the week, basically, you never know if you are going to push a guy too far. Like what’s that supposed to mean. You mean that if I ask for some share fairly in his life I could push him to saying sorry babe – I’ve had enough of you and I’m out the door? Well, then fine … Just go! I would have to get another roommate though or move in with someone or I would have to find a smaller apartment that didn’t cost as much. In a sense I just downgraded my relationship.
I don’t know I’m thinking that this was on me … something that I’m going to do, but then what’s his part? Didn’t he do something too by role of disengagement? I’m not talking about taking a week off, but that we are surviving with less of him. So maybe we could do that more and get stronger. If he’s not going to take care of me in what we consider a decent manner?
Haven’t you forgot lady? This is the person just yesterday you were nearly on your knees begging to re-house you? Yeah, but I don’t see that as happening. I am going to have the shutters pulled in on my fantasizing too. I better check to see if I get the HG channel in Maury’s room. If I’m going to be holed up there then I want to at least enjoy my fantasizing. No interruptions. We still have to go out of the room though if we’re going to use any of the electronics Hmm, maybe we can wear our earphones and listen to music on Rhapsody in our bedroom.
Whoa! There’s a tell-tale sign. I’ve already got our designated bedroom! Is this a good thing? A bad? Where are we going with this? I don’t want conditional statements where like I’m going to live in my bedroom until you make me an honest woman. That be kinda … well ladylike of me. Don’t all women want the same kind of stuff? Is it more … is love more than just security building with red bricks? I don’t know it doesn’t feel like that now. I do want to have treasures laid down at my feet. Maybe this is part of the problem of being a woman, but then there are so many other women who’ve gone off and had successful careers.
Occasionally a woman will be looking for a place without a male escort. It seems that these women at least usually have the support of a parent who has saved up for her. I surely don’t have that! Oh Lord – why has thou forsaken me!??
Probably because we sit around writing and thinking frivolous thoughts all day instead of working. Well, this is working of a sort. Basically though I’m starting to think we’re working ourselves out of a job. Well fuck. What do I need any more anyway? What are my options? This is a terrible thing that I’ve gotten myself so much into the thick of it I can’t take care of myself. Maybe that would be part of the purpose than of moving to another room. We would see if I could take care of myself. It would mean accepting half the money for rent, but it might also mean doing shopping on our own. We could each have a portion of the cupboards – and there is the little fridge, maybe I could keep some milk in there. Well, at least with a downgrading of the TV. Shoot … could we do that if half of his money is paying for cable too? Maybe we could just come down on the fast part or whatever is causing us to be paying $200 a month.
It would mean beside shopping for myself that we are going to have to get groceries up. Maybe what we would do is just leave mostly everything downstairs and then we would bring up just a bag at a time. Hmm, are we going to need to pay for the kitties? Probably … they are still mine. Part of I think what we’d be doing is freeing him up so that he doesn’t have to pretend he’s being responsible for me. Oh Lordy this sure is a tiresome day.
How did we get this angry anyway? Are we just feeling sorry for ourselves?
Thinking again of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but I don’t know how to better split that we’re not exactly an item. If only one person wants to be together and make commitments then maybe that one person is wrong. Its not that I want to take away his fishing or other activities – just I don’t want to make those kind of allowances – in that we’re taking care of ourselves and then he get back and we’re dependent on him again. I don’t know any other way than to separate stuff.
We’d have to figure out what to do with the money parts. He would have to explain some stuff. Like what do I have to do to make sure there’s enough money for stuff?
In all these years, I’ve made no advancements since the days we were clients of Rich’s. Back then I had the boys and money set aside for a house. I don’t have the boys or a house. I used to at least have my own place. Well shoot; there can’t be anything wrong with wanting your own place. I pay half the rent why don’t I get a room for myself? Right now I have a half a bed, a couch section, and my desk/table chair. That’s it.
Hmm some time has gone by here. Pretty much we’re being dysfunctional. We’re watching the clock and it says an hour of time left. I think I’m going to need a job watching rocks. Yep that be satisfying. Or the proverbial watching paint dry … that’s a nice steady position. I wonder if I could charge Rich for sex. You know … I could have my own place, but then if he wanted sex – I could make a quick $100. Lordy … what would happen if he could get it cheaper elsewhere? Yeah, but then he’d have to drive there and back. That’s what he did while we were going together.
He would say why would you say something like that? But, we need to figure that part out and that be a nice tidy way. And, then I could save a house fund and say I’m getting there by being on my back. Ok, well yes, that’s just darn right gross.
Let’s eliminate that kind of thinking k? Moving on?
Hmm, Karla is leaving now … She really is stretching the clock, but she’s conscientious in wanting to get her work done. I know just like me, right? Ok, not a chance. By the time this part of my book comes out everyone will be disgusted with me and be thinking why the hell am I reading this garbage anyway? Well, I just don’t know … Obviously you have more trust in me that something is going to come out good.
Hmm, Sr. wants me to check a few things – checking now. The computer is backing up and has been backing up, but it says the online storage is full. I wonder if that means it is backing up to C drive… I’m going to have to wait for it to complete before I know for sure. I took off the F drive and now just am backing up C drive documents so I got it down from 3.6 G to 2.0 G, and I think we can back up to 8 g, but I don’t know how much is going at the other computers. We’ll see, we’ll see. Sister wants the Microsoft 2007 added to the computers up front too. I’m not sure how many times we can do this – how many licenses. I explained that I’d paid for that, but now I’m not sure. Maybe she did pay for it – it was like $78 – Not sure.
I checked my spaces here so it looks like the programs are at home. I’ll try to remember that overnight. *sigh*
Ok, that was like work. I can’t check while the system is running. I saw on one screen the other computers being backed up … it’s ok girl … just gotta wait. I’m more though the type that likes to push all kinds of buttons to see what will shake free. I just gotta wait to see what it does. Shouldn’t be too much longer … I think it was like a 15-20 minutes scan. Just my best bet right now is that it’s going to say full. Just be patient
I hate it when I’ve got responsibility. I seem to be pretty terrible at it. I don’t know maybe we have more capable parts; just don’t think I’m one of them. I’m more the sit around and complain type.
Ok, just 24 minutes and then like we’re so outta here! No one should have problems the last half hour of the day. I would most likely stay home tomorrow to see if Rich is getting back, but I have a staffing tomorrow. It’s the last one til June so you can better believe we’re not going to miss this one. Just want it over. I got some information from the DSP today, but it’s not until noon tomorrow so it will wait.
Nothing happened with the housing stuff today either. Like three people from their offices got correspondence from me over the weekend and we would have hoped to hear something, but I think they have hours on Monday like 11-6 pm. I will check on it after I get home and get the papers scanned I promised the mortgage person. I have to figure out the divorce papers too. One guy had asked to see them, but we were then working with someone else, but thinking she’s going to need them too and that’s the person that’s asking for the income tax forms. I figure that it’s ok, because Rich had turned over in front of the one lady that I would be working on the financial parts. This is all part of that.
18 minutes. Ok, could this ending go any slower? I hate waiting when the computers says running … but there’s no indication of time how long it’s got left to go.
Should be laws against that kinda stuff.
Ok, did a few things like update sister. So, I’m pretty much then out of here after I finish posting. God forgive my soul for the amount of work getting done.
Not just more than a few thoughts
Good morning … this is me. We’ve only got about a half hour left before we need to leave for work, but maybe we could continue later. We’ve just taken a while to get up and organized for the day. Not sure how far we’ll go because we’re a bit disorientated. Sometimes that happens and then all you get is yadda, yadda yadda.
We’re hoping for some communication from real estate – builders – mortgage people today. I didn’t get a response from Rich as to him looking at the Montgomery home.
I don’t know if he’s going to be so against the idea that he cuts me out entirely.
I so much like the place … Dr. Marvin agreed too. I had him look at my facebook set of pictures and comments. I don’t think he had a lot of time to go over the verbal part, but the first thing he picked up on was how nice the balcony was. I’m pretty sure that’s the biggest added bonus to the place.
Everything else is so nice too though. It’s so incredibly nice I don’t know how to stifle my energy and excitement. There’s so many things to get past with Rich though including distance, cost, and two levels. But, it’s SUCH a great deal.
I think that the person I like so much at the Bolingbrook place knows that we are looking for the one at Montgomery. I don’t know what to say about that. Maybe she feels a bit used and abused in that we continued to keep looking, but its so much more for the money – it’s just impossible not to look at it.
We had a very good time over at Bob’s last night though we didn’t talk too much about the house. It was a nice casual conversation – not sure if I could remember what exactly we talked about … we did say some things more personal like how Rich and us moved into our more personal relationship and somehow I got to the story of going through shock treatment. That was a hard thing to say. We talked a little about relationships in general like about his and Marcia’s and then of course like Rich and us. It was a very relaxing night. I had the impression that both of us appreciated our contacts. I said something about our partners all being too busy or out of commission for us.
Bob is such a gentleman he’s a pleasure to be with. I don’t know how Rich is doing with Bob and us having more contact in his absence. I don’t know if there will be repercussions with that. I hope he’s ok and secure enough to know that nothing would ever happen and that both Bob and us love the pieces out of him … even though he’s got peculiarities. Heaven knows he’s put up with a lot of our stuff! I had the impression though that Bob really appreciated the company … he said something about not enjoying to be eating on his own. I really respect him and treasure that he’s such a good friend to our fuzzy bunny.
We’ve only got a little bit of time left before Rich gets home … you could imagine by now we’re so looking forward to him being here. We’re a little nervous, because we don’t want him to shoot down our housing ideas, but we’re trying to be optimistic. As mentioned previously we have some business to go through today.
We’re going to bring some papers home to scan and then email to the mortgage person. We’ll just have to wait and see what can be done and then present that as a package to Rich. I don’t know what it would take to get him to see the dream that I am. I understand that it’s a lot of responsibility.
We talked a little about it to Bob, but I’m not recalling any particulars. But basically we’re looking at what we could agree to and being able to build on a dream. It was a lot easier to talk to Bob as it came to relationship ideas. He could see more toward the long term situation. I think if he could get married again that he would … I don’t see that happening with Rich. It’s just that we don’t seem to be planning any kind of a future together in that we aren’t building dreams. It’s like he’s satisfied with an apartment and fishing lifestyle and not having to push that I might have other dreams of being more than just a invisible couple. I think this is something long standing in our relationship. I feel sometimes as if he takes me for granite and that we don’t have to be building on my needs too.
I don’t know maybe my needs are unrealistic, but again … we should at least be able to talk about having a future or not. I know that Rich wants me to be in his life and I think its forever, just not sure that he’s willing to step out of the box for me. It seems unfair that we are living what he’s comfortable with, but that anything from my direction would be unavailable. I don’t know maybe we’re spinning our wheels again. Just I don’t see much of a future as to any of my dreams. I don’t know what he expects or anything toward that direction. I look at things like how long it took him to move in with me and that even that wouldn’t have happened without his wife having found us out. Things like not meeting Chris though we live so close and that that situation has continued for a couple of years. I think unless the situation gets pushed through a bit that it would ever happen.
I don’t know … this is about when we get so frustrated we can’t even think straight about it. Probably best to move on with our morning and come back to this later. K?
