Ayn's Multiple World

How I Do Like My Days Off

Good morning … this is me. I can only guess that you are you. We’re up, but it is later today. It’s almost about 6:30 am. I should probably then go get my medicine soon, but let me stretch out my fingers here for a bit. K?

I had gotten up earlier to feed the kitties and then since it was about 3 am I went back to bed with cozy bunny. He’s just so cool. But, then when he woke me up at 6 am still thinking I was going to work, he’d actually woken me up from a nightmare.

I only remember a few parts … like the last one we were with people in a prison that was built like out of an old castle and one woman had jumped to a window and was going to break out, but somebody in back of her harpooned her and she crashed through the glass and fell on the ground below.

Yup, yup it was that kind of nightmare. There were other parts that involved family more immediately, like that of my cousin Deb. She was at some kind of dining table and there was something bad happening, but now I don’t remember what. I think the whole dream stuff has already started to close down from my memory. Best most likely to let it go. Something too of my brother torturing me with something he was going to rip something very valuable to me and there was this slapping part … let’s not remember ok, girls? Let’s let it go. Please!

Sorry didn’t mean to come off that harsh just starting to feel the crankiness that comes with nightmares. I don’t want to be going there and thinking through the old family connections. We had had some good memories and I think they got mixed with the other elements that aren’t so sane. I know it’s most likely me that’s insane, right? I don’t want to go there though either. Legally, I don’t think I qualify under that term … hard to say if it’s even used anymore. I’m not even sure if people would say I have a disability in that I work so don’t qualify for disability, but then even if I’m not “crazy,” I am mentally disordered. That’s a whole strange lot of thoughts that I probably don’t want to get into either.

Hmm, how to jump that whole boat? Maybe we’ll go in and smooch kissy face and take our medicine … It’s definitely time. K?

Hmm. Ok, back … still hanging around the MP.com site. Well, that’s after hangin around Sir Sweetie. We played with him until he whined I HAVE to focus on work and you’re not making it easy! AHA! That was my goal!

Ok, maybe we weren’t being fair to him, but we were having a good time distracting.

Hehehe

Hmm, there is a noisy kitty making a mess in her bathroom … that can’t be a good thing. What’s up with that?

Ok, we’re having focusing troubles again. Concentrate, concentrate!

We’re looking at those couple of small fuzzy animals that Rich got us. He certainly did characterize himself well. One looks like the fishy guy and the other is a tiger as in he’s got a real tiger in his tank. WooHOO!!

Hmm, ok-ok … we’re not getting far here. Why don’t we at least think through yesterday? Oh one important thing … have I mentioned that we’ll be staying home today? It was a long shot, but we wanted to make ourselves available to Thom JUST in case he got some time to visit. I don’t think that’s going to happen, but we’re banking on an outside chance.

We tried to find him yesterday by contacting him on phone and text, but there was no response. I then tried to get a hold of him through the brothers, but they didn’t have any word on where he was. No one had been in contact, because Thom wasn’t responding to connections trying to be made.

I finally decided that I should take a chance and call Alexis and it appears that’s where Thom was at. Long story short, arrangements have been made so that we most likely will be having him over to diner on Sunday about 5 pm. I was frustrated that I had to wait for so long and I was frustrated that he wasn’t talking to me direct.

The arrangements had been made through Alexis which was fine, but I felt disconnected from Thom and that didn’t make me feel so good.

I left messages with the brothers saying that arrangements had been met and indeed Thom’s been with Alexis these last couple of days. I guess I’m disappointed in that I just don’t understand why he’s been so standoffish. I think that going through deployment has got to be a monumental feat, but I’d have preferred if Thom was in more communication than in less.

Hmm, we’re back again … it’s now about 8:45 am and we’re reprocessing the morning.

About 7 am we just zonked. We were doing fine and then we absolutely needed to go to bed, but I’m not sure why. I guess someone in the system was tired. I don’t think the extra rest did any of us wrong. We’re more relaxed now I would like to think.

At one point of us sleeping the kitties got into a fight and they were hissing at each other. This doesn’t usually happen … in fact it almost never does! They must have maked-up because they’re now both sleeping in the back room. Pswhoo … it was touch and go at the moment.

Rich was in and out and now is in again. He had been working in the kitchen on his computer and I think bills, and then he had to go to the bank to make some deposits. Lucky I was here; because he seems to think his house keys are at work.

Wow! That be a problem if he locked his computer where he couldn’t get at it. But, things are normal again and he’s making his business calls. That guy can really work!

We’re trying to upload a video on the blog of something that was very cute that Vickie sent this morning. I hope that works. Other than that … not much else going on. Thinking I might have to make some more coffee pretty soon. Yes, it’s just that exciting here this morning.

Let’s clear-up yesterday. Hmm. Well, I think we did stuff, but not sure what … that’s no way to operate. There was stuff I am remembering though about the sign language stuff. I know now the signs, but on two of them I have to be looking at the words so I don’t get behind on the signing or mess up. I hope that corrects itself because we’re like a little less than a month behind the event. The worst that will happen is that I have the words next to me on a little podium. I have to admit I was more impressed last year with Candices job she’d done on the music portion. I thought she knew the material well and kept the group in sync. I don’t have a lot of compliments for her, but I give her more credit than Sr. might have given her.

We’ll have to see … Sr. decided this week that it would be confusing to have Holly doing the signs, because Holly was wanting to change things up. Sr. knows that I have everything and she doesn’t want to confuse the group. Holly may have known more on signing, but she’s not had the time with the group.

Yesterday, I worked with Group 1, and then knowing that I wouldn’t be there today, I worked with Groups 2 and 3 too. I was really happy with Group 1 in that Sr. came in and thought we should try it to music. She went out of her way to get the music working and then we did the songs a couple of times. It’s really coming along nice … just in that it was the first time for the music when we knew the words and we were getting it. It is going to take a while longer before the group gets it, but I have hope. I need to be more aware so we can work with each group a little each day. That’s got to be the goal if they are all to be comfortable with the music.

There are the little super stars in each group that are getting it … and we are enjoying their interest especially.

Hmm, is Rich making more coffee? Shoot don’t think so.

AHA! Rich was getting ready to leave apparently, because now he is just gone. A little sad when he leaves, but now maybe we can do something sneaky. Hmm. Sneaky … what could we do that Rich might not be happy that we’re doing? I’m thinking fudgsicles here. 9 am fudgsicles? WooHOO!!!

Ok, we’re back again. It’s almost 10 am now. We’ve been off doing whatever and especially reading. We read most of the week’s notes. We don’t usually do this, but this morning there is a sense of having some time and breathing space.

I’m not sure what I gained, but there is a sense of yes, I can understand what had happened and how I’d been thinking of things before. Some of it hurts though, like I can see my optimism in the return of Rich and Thom, but then there was some pain in that too because they were at places other than I’d hoped. Both cases I’d been upset they had been in real negative emotions. There’s a little feeling here of being abused by it or that Alexis is being abused by it.

I’m not thinking anything toward the order of what happened when I was a kid, but negative just the same and to some part self-degrading. It was like our males weren’t handling something of their life so they made the situation hard on their females. I don’t know why that happens, but I can feel the affect. It’s probably part of a victim cycle that had been familiar to us from our pasts. I’d like to think that Rich and Thom are pretty great people and show a lot of kindness and respect.

It’s just when they get frustrated then we seem to step-up or be put on the plate.

I’m not sure if there isn’t other ways to be doing this. I can think now of Dr. Marvin talking about transference where there problems become now our problems. I’m pretty sure Alexis is right in that he sees that Thom’s behavior could have come from his father. I’m not sure what she sees into this, but I do remember all the yelling. We’d try to yell back, but it wouldn’t stop until we were submissive and worked through THEIR anger.

It seems that most the family females I know had some kind of abuse in their background. So, I’m pretty sure this is what they mean by watching it repeat. I think it’s going to be harder on Thom and Alexis in that for one … Rich is pretty soft in comparison. He’s never done the big thing on threatening like I remember with my husband. But, I can see it major with Thom to be threatening divorce or being with other women or driving 120 miles an hour … those are all things that are way overboard.

I don’t know … this conversation is too frustrating right now. I think we’re going to have to take it down a bit and focus on it later. Especially in consideration of this being a Dr. Marvin night – we still have an open invite to the kids and I will call and leave a message with Thom in a couple of hours, but basically some of these more emotional things need to be figured out. I’m of no help if I fall into similar patterns as they are doing. I think I’m out of this kind of cycle like I believe Alexis thinks, but then I just went through that part where Rich got angry about me not figuring out the taping of his show.

It’s not with Rich so much that he yells, it’s just that he puts pressure on the situation and wasn’t able to back himself off. Sorta … actually, I knew he was backing off because there was no going forward with the vulnerability we were showing. We had felt good about managing on our own and then that frustration from him onto us and our abilities was very overwhelming. I think that’s a good thing to remember between Thom and Alexis is that he can be overwhelming. Maybe this is a better thing than thinking abusive, although it would seem to be a fine line. The thing about being overwhelmed is that you have someone on the opposite side over-doing it, and it is inclusive of someone who’s may or may not be strong, but is falling into a submissive position to compensate the aggressor – dominant male.

Maybe it is then his part in gaining back his authority. The female perspective seems to be like running and hiding. In Alexi’s case she is refusing Japan and in my much more simple case … I’d fallen apart in tears and need to sleep – dissociate from the situation. It’s always about relationship in this kind of deal. Both parties contribute.

Hmm, we haven’t gotten too far from letting this issue go. I guess in this last couple of paragraphs there was more a sense of being able to handle the thoughts.

This has to be a good thing. I wish very much that Thom and Alexis could be there with Dr. Marvin. I feel like I’ve passed on to Thom in having been with recessive female tendencies that aren’t helping him out right now. He’s acting like his father in being overly aggressive. I don’t know how to help the situation out.

He’s acting out and for that matter so are the females. All these absurd behaviors are acting out … the right thing to do would be to talk about it.

I think Alexis sometimes feels like we’re rationalizing bad behavior as if we were excusing it, but I don’t think that’s the right way to look at it. We are trying to figure out where the behavior is coming from, but it is not to ignore, but to correct. It is hard to changes something you are not conscious of. I feel pretty strongly about that and for that reason Dr. Marvin has been excellent with us. For as much as we can dare to talk … he’s been there for us.

Hmm, there … we put the message on Thom’s recorder. I’m not sure if he’s listening to the messages he’s more like hiding from stuff. Maybe this is Thom’s way of saying that HE’s feeling overwhelmed. I know the brother’s want to give him total space in doing things in his own time, but I feel more a sense of obligation to not only myself in being treated “neglectfully,” but also from the perspective of having been placed and accepting of an advocacy type role with Alexis. It’s not fair that she takes the entire brunt of Thom’s anger. We’ve known for years and years that Thom has anger issues. The whole deal that started him living with his father was a cascading of his anger levels and focusing them on me at that time and since then on his women. It’s almost like he is daring the others to abandon him, like we abandoned him. He was doing everything in his power to prove we weren’t worthy of him … likewise I think he’s doing it again with his wife.

Hmm, Washington Post is reporting that Obama is putting a 2.9% pay cap on military raises. I think that’s unfortunate, but I know he’s trying to affect those he can as an example of what needs to happen in the rest of the country. I think military at least at Thom’s level are not paid enough, but then on the other hand these people do not go into the military because of the money they might make.

Unfortunately, this is the same argument that is used for people in the helping services especially developmentally disabled. People from the outside look at us and think … ahh they’d do it no matter what you paid them because they are into the cause. Half true half not. Just because we work with the more vulnerable, it doesn’t make it right that poverty be put upon us and greed proceed throughout the rest of the land. We like nice things as much as the next guy. We wouldn’t bulldoze over someone to get it, but maybe that’s the same differences as we are seeing with this other conversation on abuse, neglect and victimization.

I think that’s where I feel different this time. I’m still feeling put upon though I think it’s more abusive with Thom and Alexis and more neglectful as to me. To think I won’t see my son in three years and yet he’s playing with giving me a couple hours over a week after he’s been home. I can hear Maury and most likely Joe. It’s about where Thom is at that counts, but Thom has to be taken in relationship. I think the guy way of handling it is to protect the other no matter what that other might put others through. In my own way of managing … I feel like I’m standing on a step-stool saying I won’t be forgotten … I’m here … pay some attention and respect.

The only decent way I have to do this is to be somewhat in Thom’s face. Not disrespectfully, but I am calling him everyday to relate to him whether or not he picks up the phone or erases the message. Now as I’m thinking this I’m feeling that much stronger in that which he is doing. To help me and others, I have to say I’m not going to lay down and play the dead victim role. It’s no different than in my past when I felt invisible around people.

If Thom can’t tolerate confronting his relationships now, I at least have the option of talking to Dr. Marvin. I feel confident that this isn’t going to drive me crazy. But, in the same respect if Thom chooses to pick on others of less ability to withstand … I will remain frustrated at him. He should have taken or should take the option to speak to someone stronger than him – which would be Dr. Marvin. I know he doesn’t know Dr. Marvin, but I’m not giving that up as a resource. Usually his military hierarchy tells him what to do … and now Thom thinks he can put that upon others, but that wouldn’t be the fair thing.

It is a way to share Thom though in the role that he’s willing to share with us.

Just this time I feel like I’m going to be an achy pain. He included me in his relationship issues so I took a peek. Now I’m stepping back from that although still feeling protective of Alexis. There’s no doubt she contributes. She in many respects handles Thom in the way she remembers her mother handling her father. I don’t want to get into that … but we all bring our bag of tricks to the dinner table.

Hmm, I guess we’ve been into a little Thomism this morning. We’ll have to accept that for what it is. Thom is a very significant person right now because we keep going back to we aren’t going to have many opportunities to meet. I think we’ll get to know him better with the distance of Japan, but in our regular protective Momway of being … we don’t want him consumed by his emotions while he’s gone. Though in that same respect … It’s better he deal with all this and the military than dumped on his wife or family. They have learned to channel his emotions … now they should be helping in dealing with them.

The other day we had a conversation with Staff Sergeant Jenson. This was the person who brought Thom into the military as to being his recruiter. We put the bare-bones issues to him and asked him what the correct procedures were. He listened to the information about Thom and pretty much stated that Thom had to bring his shit to the table and he knew the way to do it. If he was having problems there were avenues that he should be taking. He gave me the name and number of the service he should be connecting too. I thanked him … I think he’s a good guy. I think he took-in the information about how Thom was treating especially Alexis. I think there was other information new to him. He hadn’t known Thom graduated from MOS 2651 last week and he didn’t know that Thom would be headed to Japan within a month.

I asked if I could remind Thom that he could give Staff Sergeant Jenson a call and he said by all means. But again and very much like his father in this respect, Thom has to go to them and ask for help … they aren’t going to go out looking for him. I think this is funny though … in respect I think women will go out looking for this kind of “trouble.” We have those natural care-taking things going on where we think we can save the day. I remember when we were young and standing in line to be beaten with the belt from our father. We would act out and draw attention from Scot or CS so we’d get the harder licks. I think that’s sort of the protection I’m feeling now with Alexis.

If Thom wants to play rough pick on someone his own size … deal with the mom … OR better yet … deal with her Doctor, because she’s not going to want you to mess her up!

HMPF!

Ok, … we think we’ve gone far enough here to look a different direction for a bit.

We’re satisfied with our thoughts so far. I still think that we have a lot of reading to do as to deployment. We noticed this morning too there were a few responses that someone had made toward me in the MP.com posts. One guy in particular, a Jeff, had had a real strong reaction and we’re going to want to get back to him sometime today yet. There was another message from Sandy who I’d known before … we tried to communicate our frustration toward her before, but then trailed it off to I know we were supposed to be giving it some time. She made a note on one of the message boards saying she’d look forward to seeing me this Saturday.

I’d almost forgotten about that. It’s probably going to be a good deal because Rich is going to be taking care of some officiating stuff during the day on Saturday.

The deal is a dinner in Elgin about 3:30 pm at one of the local hotels. I’ve saved that information. I might as well look it up now – well as soon as my screen clears at least. Internet can’t live without it, can’t live WITH it!

Hmm, we’ve just been over at AOL looking at some news stories. Nothing in particular just bunch of silly stuff and one gruesome story about a funeral director leaving a body to decay after the family wouldn’t pay to have it cremated. Ok, let’s talk about why that MIGHT not be a good idea, hmm?
Ugh!

posted by Ann Marie @ 2/27/2009 04:22:00 AM Comments: 1