Ayn's Multiple World

Well, we can at least start this

Good morning this is me. It’s very late on a Saturday. It’s almost noon. We just finished having some turkey and mayonaise minus the bread. Earlier we’d been working on finishing the post from yesterday and in between there was a little time with Rich. He’s back now watching a silly knight show with Heath Ledger, but he had gone out to take care of some banking and a little bit at the store. When he went out, I took our shower and I got dressed and cleaned up the house. I felt pretty good about that.

There was a problem though before he left. I looked over to him – I’d been watching CNN for a short story and then I looked at him and he was crying. He said that he’d gotten an email from his son Chris and that Chris did not want to talk to him. I felt very bad for him. He decided the errands would help distract him I think, but while he was out his son called him and said he didn’t want to talk to him. I think it was Chris that called. It hurts Rich’s feelings. We did our best to massage and hold him, but it wasn’t worth nearly what I would have liked it to mean.

He won’t really talk too much about it. He said a little. I think he has to figure out what to do next. I think he’s thinking that he can’t share with his kids what they want to him to share. Basically, a couple of things happened over the last few days and it’s causing everyone anxiety. The first was that Jon told his family that I was going to Thanksgiving, and then there was a lot of speculation and somehow they figured out that Rich and I were still together and they are thinking we are probably living together.

But, Rich is in a divorce situation where he can’t afford to have the kids communicating to their mother anything that he might entrust to his kids. They’ve proven over and over that they go to each other to provoke problems though not often in calm friendly times. I teased Rich later in saying well at least they now are talking to each other. It wa a lame joke that was made after he’d calmed down. He says that he might have to go up to a year or more without talking to them until the divorce is finalized.

I understand a little what he’d going through, but not nearly enough. I felt too when I left the kids with their father that whatever I told them was going to him and his girlfriend/wife. I felt pretty much on my own except that I had Dr. Woollcott to help me become sane. I didn’t even know Rich back then, but I heard today or yesterday that his family is still thinking that Joe is his son. I don’t know all of where they can make those kinds of inuendos, but that seems to be the case. Rich is pretty sure he doesn’t want them to know how long we’ve been together, but 15 years might show them that we didn’t even know him the 9 years previous when Maury and I had Joe.

It’s pretty insulting to think that this person and her family is messing with my family. But, I’m sure they are feeling like it is us that is messing with their family. There was one point being with Rich’s mother that she mentioned that surely I could see how hard things are for them and especially for the kids. I believe I said yes, if I said anything at least. I don’t know if I was just quiet and listening. She didn’t belabor the point. I believe that as a grandmother that she is protective of her grandchildren and sees in having a relationship with me it’s a conflict of interest.

The event with Rich and his son Chris was canceled for today … he was supposed to go to his grandmother’s with Rich. I don’t know what’s going to happen with all that.

He might be angry for a long time in coming, but I don’t think the kids can pull themselves away from their father. They depend too much on him for advise and money. I think too that Rich’s kids actually like him. I think Chris especially is feeling betrayed, but it doesn’t make any sense that he can’t think through that his father has a right to privacy and him telling his mother Rich’s life would be to only the mother’s advantage. Why would Rich put himself out like that. I don’t like that Chris thinks himself more than equal or superior to his father while he’s living off the graces of Rich. Chris has worked so hard to become the man of the family. I guess my thought now is that if he wants to do that without Rich’s support … than that is what he’s going to do. I would cringe to think though that to help his mother he might intentionally hurt Rich. It would be easier to understand that he is just nursing his hurt feelings in realizing that he’s not so close and trusted by his father to have been told Rich’s private life.

As to where the other two kids are, it’s hard to tell. I think they both get excited as maybe they should. I think change is hard to understand. They have now more directly me to deal with, but they also have the trust issue with their father. I guess they could say they can’t trust him, but I think it would be wiser for them to understand that he’s done the best for the family as humanly possible.

This includes taking care of the mother.

I’m not sure of all that’s going on for Rich. I question my own role in that if Rich weren’t with me or loved me that none of this would have taken place. From my understanding Rich hasn’t told them I wasn’t there, but rather told them that it wasn’t something he could talk about. Even now they call trying to find out more information than they could probably handle. When I asked Rich and when I told him that he could change our relationship to be more accomodating to the kids and what they are able to handle, but he says that he’s done what he’s done and basically, that part isn’t a question to his mind. I still think he has to handle what he seems set out to do if necessary. I think though that it would hurt both if they weren’t talking. Rich is used to taking care of people. If Chris doesn’t need his father’s help, then maybe well … maybe this is part of Chris growing up.

I don’t know what the mother’s role in all this is at the very moment. Rich says she’ll be at her lawyers very early on Monday. I guess if that were to happen, then it might just be something that has to happen in whichever way it should. I don’t mean to sound as if I don’t care, it’s just that as much as the family would not like to see Rich with someone else, they aren’t going to maintain that kind of control on him for ever. Rich still has an unquestioned right to have a friend.

True maybe a choice should have always been made between a lover and a wife, but I guess I’ve always held that if she didn’t love him, that at least I’d be able to make that part of his life liveable. I don’t know if the kids and especially not the wife is looking after his best interest. It seems always about what he can give. He’s tried to be very giving within his capabilities.

I think there is a basic part though in that he has a right to his own privacy. I don’t assume I can be the one he always should be talking to. I know very little of the actual conversations and correspondence of him and his family. I think most often this is not only Rich claiming his own privacy and person, but it is also his way of keeping me from being absorbed in his other life. I think more than anything this is admirable. I think in the same way he’s tried to protect his family from the relationship he’s got to me. I don’t think he thinks of the relationship as being sordid … mostly this is from the long years where I insisted I was just a mistress and he argued no, I’m his friend and for a majority of that time his best friend. I guess I just feel that everyone deserves one. He’s my best friend too … I don’t think that would have happened if the wife would have given some semblance of loving him for something other than his provisions for her, which I’m sure she feels quite unsatisfactory.

*Sigh* but again … that’s my thoughts as the other woman … and everytime we go in this direction I find fault in ourselves for having an opinion of a situation that is only a small part of my life. I feel bad that Rich has to go through hysterics … my part has to be remaining calm as to my own part. Well, that is calm for all of us who don’t fear the freezer being out of fudgicles. *Sigh*

But, that’s a horse of quite another color.

I don’t think we’ve had a chance to talk over the other relationship that is pretty new and exciting on the positive side. Yesterday, I was so much into my finishing up of the next leg of the house dream that I did not cover fairly having met Rich’s mother and step-father, Bud.

I was very excited through the whole meeting and I was excited all the way home. I believe it to have been a good meeting. During part of the disucssion we talked about what I would call her. It was later while we waited between dinner and dessert. I’ve always just called her Rich’s Mom. I think the question kind of startled her too. Not in a real bad way though. Her first statement sounded confused, but then Rich repeated for her, that I didn’t know what to call her. She said how about Granny. We looked a little dismayed at that and then Rich said that wouldn’t be a good idea, and she asked why. Rich explained and I interrupted that I was too old to call her Granny. I didn’t say, but could have that this might be threatening to Rich’s kids.

I don’t remember whether it was Rich or his mother, because it sort of came at the same time that I call her Mom. I’m not sure if Bud suggested her name, but she seemed to think that Mom would be fine and I looked to and asked Rich and I think he said basically that if it were fine with her, it would be fine with me. I felt pretty honored at the time and I’m hoping that I have the courage to call her Mom.

She surely has earned that title, but I’m not sure I’ve earned the honor. I know I call Bud, Bud, but that’s mostly because that’s what Rich calls Bud.

There is this nice part of it in that it feels very accepting, but then there’s this other part that says I don’t know how Rich’s kids and his ex will respond to it.

Rich’s Mother didn’t feel and reservation in letting me know that she hasn’t liked Rich’s wife from the start. I don’t know what makes her so angry toward her, but I knew ahead of time through Rich that this was the case. The two did not go to each other’s homes nor did they talk on the phone. But, I’m not sure I understand the anger. I told her that when I talked about things like that I usually got myself in trouble and dug myself into the ground. She seemed to be ok with that, though it didn’t give her a chance to expel her demons. I knew she wanted someone to understand her point of view, but I couldn’t afford speaking negative of the wife or kids or wife because of the kids.

What reservations I have basically come from the part where she was mean enough to Rich to make him cry. Not often, but I’ve heard through the years particularly the later years that he’s tried hard to calm her. I’d like to think and now I am starting to think Rich is thinking that it’s not as much his job anymore. He’s even seeming to get past the point of thinking that he might have to stay just separated instead of divorced. Now it seems that he just wants to get things over. I asked him about why he decided that I should see his mom now … what made it seem that now was the right time. He said something that really surprised me, but afterward I wasn’t surprised in that it comes from his excellent character. He said he’s waited 1 ½ years without introducing me to the family and that I’d waited long enough. For Rich I would have waited forever. I think he knows this much about me after not being introduced over the last 15 years. But, it felt very important coming from him to me. I was pretty touched. It’s the kind of sweetness men aren’t always known for sharing.

I thought our time with Rich’s folks went very well. Early in the trip, we’d stopped by for flowers – at least Rich had. I waited in the car and decided to make a few calls to my own family. I left a message at my mothers and then I talked to my sister. Afterward while still in the car, my mother called back so I talked to her. We’ll talk about all that later, but for now the point is that the trip to his mother’s went pretty quick. I had gotten off the phone soon enough to appreciate some of the farmland, but I had pictured the place as different than I was seeing as we pulled into their drive. It seemed pretty much like a double trailer, but now I think only parts were doubled. The driveway was very wide and blacktopped and it had a carport and in back of that some kind of buildings or sheds. There was a lot of clutter back there that I saw more from after dinner when Rich took me for a walk to see the river which was part of their very nice back yard.

We’d seen pictures in there somewhere where the place had been flooded and of course I heard about all that ealier through Rich. That happened quite a few times where they started to explain things as if I didn’t know anything … and I would say yes I heard something about that. I wanted to give them a chance to tell their storie, but I also wanted them to know I’ve heard and listened to quite a lot of stuff.

When we came up the driveway, Rich and us got out of the car each from our own sides. Rich had come over to my side to help with the food, and Bud had come out to meet us and he came to my side. Rich was so busy organizing he forgot to introduce us, so we looked at Bud and smiled and told him our name was Ann.

Rich seemed a little flutter and apologized and made sure we each knew who the other was. Then we all went on to gathering things to take in the house. Rich had brought the big red thermos with turkey gravey and dressing, I had the pie and bud took something else, but I don’t remember what … Hmm, maybe the flowers. To the left side of their home was like a sun porch … and it turned out this is where his mother was sitting … Actually she was fussing in the chair. The first thing I noticed about her was her pretty blue eyes. I also thought she looked less scary then I was afraid she’d be. I came in and within a few moments had bent down to give her a kiss. It was a little clumsy, but I’m glad I went that direction.

Rich and Bud were fussing with the goods and had walked through the open entry to the next room – it seemed the kitchen was straight ahead. This left me with Rich’s mother. Somehow I think before the two men left us, they had taken my coat. I tried not to think here I was being held hostage or against my will. Truth be told, I’d waited for a very long time to be here and I was extremely happy. I sat down on a chair opposite Rich’s mother, but then she soon rearranged me saying that chair sat too low. It had been a little broken down and I was appreciate to be out of it and thought it bolder that I sit in the chair perpendicular to his mother.

I found out right away that we could be grateful that she likes to direct the conversation. This helped us get over the immediate difficulty in the newness of our relationships. She had said something about jillian Rich’s daughter already knowing that Ana was coming. Rich only had to hear that one time – before he corrected his mother on the usage of my name as being Ann. I was disappointed because I’d prefered the name Ana. Rich discussed with his mother briefly about the kids trying to get information from her and that she wasn’t supposed to give it.

Conversations switched over quickly enough so I couldn’t begin to tell you all she’d said. I know she had to put in her hearing aid which I hear she doesn’t use to much, because she said that my voice was too soft. I apologized while recognizing out loud that many people have said that. I remember telling her at one point that I had hoped to hear some stories about Rich as we went along. She says that there wasn’t too much to tell and that Rich had been the good one between the two brothers. Then she went into stories about how much trouble that Mark had caused.

She seemed to summise that most of it was because Mark had been thin, but stood 6’4” and she said that he had quite a mouth on him.

Somewhere in and around the conversations Rich came back to sit down, but it seemed that we were left with the mother for a long time while Bud and Rich arranged dinner. There was way too much food we found later and they’d put out a lot of ordoerves. But, I think they must have counted on us going inside rather than staying on the porch because the goodies weren’t discovered until dinner time as sitting on their dining room buffet. I would have liked to get into those shrimp out there.

Hmm, we’re back, but it’s the next morning … Sunday. I’m going to pick up from there, k?

posted by Ann Marie @ 11/30/2008 06:45:00 AM Comments: 0