Ayn's Multiple World

Man-o-man we're a regular pressure cooker

Good morning. This is me. It’s Sunday and early though we’ve been up for a while.

It’s about 4:30 AM. We’re still in a loss of real time space because we remain in the world of the new house. Again if your coming into this late … this is a dream house, not something we’re actually going to get … at least for now … because neither Rich or us have that kind of money. BUT, if we were to get a house … I would like this to be the one. You just have to walk through it to understand how attached I am to it and all its features. I think someone walked inside my hidden mind and extracted all my best dreams. This is it … the house of one. The one I want.

I know that I’m speaking then against the house we’d before seen as ideal … I just put all that together. You’ll see it on the top of this post … you only need to click on it. It’s kinda funny now when I look at the two side to side. They have definite similarities, but the Somerset II is one story with the tall Great room and the Devonshire is two stories with a 2 floor family room. Also, they are not exactly lined up perfect as to their proportion. You kind of have to turn it a bit with your mind.

I’m guessing that the two garages should be the same size and on the two last
diagrams of the Devonshire the family room on the first floor should have matched the “open to below” on the second floor, plus the top of the diagrams should be flush … not the bottom or front part. We can get past this though, right? Hmm, if you would like one other difference - the Devonshire is almost 1000 S.F. larger, but the Devonshire is at an initial cost about $6000 less, and maybe more, because I think you have to pay for more extras to get the Somerset II place we’d want.

Officially, the Devonshire is 28% bigger – more if you consider the two large spaces that are each two-story open. Oh yeah … should go without saying, but obviously both places have fireplaces in their big open rooms. Nice.

We have this dialogue and the web picture (blog picture tapped and enlarged) on two separate screens so that they each fill up their own monitor. It allows me to peer back and forth and compare. It seems that in consideration of the two fronts of the houses they are both brick and siding, both 3 car garage, both make use of French windows and peaks. I have to laugh at that. Looking at the triangle over both buildings’ garages … they are both the triangle with what looks like a ventilation or maybe decorative white arch. And, then the tallest peaks on both are a triangle with siding and white point and each have a smaller insert triangle – and, both of them have some form of round arch – oh and on both sets of buildings there are green shutters.

Cool, hmm? There’s no doubt in my mind that if we could do the two stories – that the Devonshire is though a more attractive building. It’s just visually more interesting. I like the oversize windows and two-story entrance. Eh, lawns, plants, trees and driveways are about then the same.

As to the locations … the Devonshire is SW of where we live in Oswego and the Somerset II is NW in Elgin. The two boys are about in the middle, but to the east and Chris and his mother are much nearer the place to the North. The place to the north is close to the other St. Mary’s of Providence place, and the one to the south is closer to St. Rose. But, if I were to do work from home, like doing the CARF, then I’d go to work less and so the travel in any case wouldn’t be so bad. It would be REALLY cool if I could combine the 3 centers for Daughter’s of St. Mary’s of Providence. That would be a really cool, cool contract and I’m sure in some way advantages to all three because it’s a hard thing to do and maybe they could learn something from each other. But, that’s really far out thinking.

Just the same make the whole thing sweet. It be like a box … NW – St. Joseph, NE – St. Mary’s, SE – St. Rose, and SW – Our home. It all would be held in perspective - Just most the time I’d try to be at home. If I were to have a week of getting out, it would be one day each to the three and then 4 days at home  If I could do that kind of contract work, I would definitely be worth my weight in gold to Rich and the house, hmm?

Funny, been sitting back with stray thoughts … and I realized that both pictures are taken almost at the same time of the day on the same side of the street. Look at the shadow between the garage and front doors - same angle and height and same kind of shades too on the Somerset II sidewalk as across the bigger garage of the Devonshire. Different color blue skies though with the one being obviously fluffier cloudy. I think as to the time of the year in both … might be about the same. Both tree sets seem similar. I think I just cut off the sidewalk in front of the Devonshire. It seems just a smidge further back in the lot.

You can see the smallest touch of sidewalk to the lower front left of the picture.

I think that the Somerset II has an advantage though in being part of a neighborhood maintenance program where someone else cuts the grass and plows the drive (given more than 2” of snow). It is for an older people-age of 55 plus community though and being in a regular community the Devonshire actually has the advantage in being the one we could sell to anyone wealthy enough under or over the age 55.

I don’t want to spend too much time now in comparison because I’m feeling a little dizzy with it, but the biggest difference space-wise is that the Devonshire has an extra bedroom, a formal living room, and much bigger closets and baths. I’d really have to compare square footage which I don’t have handy, but even being off-proportion, I think the Devonshire rooms are bigger. I like that the Devonshire’s kitchen is more squarely in back of the island so there is not as much going around it. Both have double doors going into the master bedroom and master baths. Both have double sinks.

Mostly though the most important features are the taller family room/great room and that the kitchens combine into all that. I can’t emphasize enough the openness. I couldn’t do the same as I plan to do with my library in the Somerset II … that’s a really big deal. I can give up the main office, but I still need space. The space of that particular bedroom to library change is a much better set-up than it would have been using bedroom #2 or #3 in the Somerset II. Plus, can’t emphasis enough how much I like the little bridge/balcony on the second floor. *Sigh* Ok, now … move on, right?

Hmm … ok, getting over this, right? But, I hadn’t noticed it before. The windows are actually much cooler than I’ve been thinking – at least in the front. We’ve already marveled over the two nice windows in the front walk-in closet, BUT It’s actually more like a triple bay window off the front living room, AND the most spectacular room that will be my library? It looks like it’s ACTUALLY three windows across not two. It might mean less shelve space on that wall, but maybe still under and around the desk area under the windows. I’m thinking it’s pretty sure though that my computers would face out from those windows, though turning the chair around it would face the open balcony down to the first floor. I think that’s why I like this part so much. It’s like have a fantastic bedroom and guest suite WITH an open loft-type library. Oh man - will I ever going to get my obsession away from this?

Hmm, maybe we should not look over at that other screen so much. Maybe we could try to figure out why all this is so important? Part of it is that Rich hasn’t said absolutely no, though everything pretty much is leading toward this wouldn’t be happening. I think Rich would prefer a smaller place like a love nest, where we think we want a place big enough to invite the whole family in. When we compare the smaller building at 2450 to the bigger building at 3400 for $6000 plus less, we think oh man … this is an unbelievable deal. Rich has looked at the places around here and I cringe to think of it. I’m pretty sure I’d follow him, but to get a regular place with a regular ceiling?

Where did I become like this? I grew up with a regular ceiling. My Dad and Sandy’s place did have a higher ceiling though it wasn’t as big a deal as either of these two places. This place the Devonshire would be so much bigger than his place. Same with my mother’s – she only had kitchen, living room/dining room, not family room, living room, dining room, kitchen, AND nook … it’s like more than double the space … and some of it’s just plane huge. I’m thinking too now of her carpet. I really don’t like the idea of tilting on it as we walked … a little more surreal, and I didn’t like the worn out part of it under the much trodden dining room table. She had four levels on her house with about 5-6 steps going down like a zigzag.

Everything was much smaller though and her lowest floor room, which actually was a nice size … they used like a cluttered garage full of boxes and storage. I have nothing to say that her next place would be any different … she talks about boxes all over again. A couple of years in their new house in Deer Lake, and to my knowledge; they have never unpacked. Man … something is really wrong with that.

As to my house growing up – Yuck! It was a two-story cube. On the first floor there was one half living room and the other a half dining room and kitchen, plus ½ small bath and stairs up – 1 full bath and 4 bedrooms in a square - nothing fun or interesting. It seems now not only visually starved, but about ½ the size of the Devonshire.

Hmm, looking at the stairs again ... Not really wide, but not over thin … definitely we’d have to take the carpet off though. Too much chance of slipping … Rich pointed out yesterday that we’re going to get old and then have to worry about those stairs. I have to give it some thought, but shoot. I’m not even 50! I’ve got about 20 years before I get decently old. In that amount of time there’s no telling what would happen. The house would though still be very sellable AND if one of us Rich or us were gone … we’d again go into that in-law arrangement on the first floor and have whichever family might want to live with us … upstairs in the four rooms and two baths upstairs, right? I’m really sure it is a good idea to plan the building for incorporating families or older people. I think younger folks would be more willing to want you around if you’re inviting them in and giving them so much.

Oh yeah … here’s that bottom stairway.

Hmm, didn’t notice that before. It seems like the lowest couple-three steps are wider and then they get steeper and more narrow. Yup, yup … better plan on using Rich’s office and having younger folk move-in upstairs Hehehe. Ok, now … rightfully speaking … let’s say we have about 10% to put down … IF we’d have to pay full price. We’ve got the advantage of a poorer market for housing now. Maybe there is a chance that these babies aren’t going up as fast, but let’s think for the moment that they could already be built, and they are going to need unloading them. In this way we could say a for instance of them being steadily the $340,000 they are asking now.

I think Rich has put away about $15,000 and we’d have to think he could double that again over another couple of years it might take to pull something like this off.

If we could round off some figures … let’s say we’re doing really well and everything happens at the right time – including his divorce and hopefully his wife going to a smaller condominium. In this case at about $300,000 and at the current rate of 5.75% … that would be about $1,750 a month for 30 years. THINK about it - $1,750? If we could pay more … say like $2600 that would be like the lower amount is 2/3 the higher cost ... that would mean if you could pay about a 1/3 more … you could pay off the loan in 15 years instead of 30.

I think what we would be fighting is that Rich’s original goal was to have his entire mortgage paid for by the time he retired. He was on scale for that. I think he only has like 7-9 years before he pays off his original mortgage on the house his wife is staying on. There’s a second mortgage too that he is paying on that incorporated a whole lot of other expenses. If Rich wouldn’t have to pay that amount … say his wife had moved on and kept the profit from the house to make him more free and clear from her, then we could be putting major money down on our own place. I figure that our situation would be like we could pay $1000 toward the mortgage. Rich is paying out like $3000 a month on his wife’s house. If he were putting that money toward his own place plus my $1,000, He could pay off the place in 10 years at $3300 a month. So for a little less than 50% more money paid on the house you can cut down two-thirds of the time it takes to pay it off $1750 – 30 years, $3300 – 10 years.

Shoot … could I want her to move and be done with this divorce much sooner than later? In the meantime we gotta figure that most of this time is working in our favor. If Rich and I can stay employed that would mean that we might have time to save up more money while we continue to watch housing prices fall. Just that like the advisors are saying … we gotta stay employed. Ok, this would be almost doable, right? It might mean though that Rich would have to work until he was 67-69. But, then again … he’s 7-8 years older than me, so when he’s 69, I would be about 62 and about ready to retire myself. Well, actually I’d write a lot longer than that, but hopefully not have to work outside the home. Plus, maybe by then I could sell something and we can pay off the house with our pocket change. WOOHOO!!!

Ok, we’re moving along with this just fine. Put 10% down, pay $3300 for 10 years, both retire, and wallah! We’ve done it. We’ve got a legacy for the kids. Hmm, well maybe Rich has a legacy. I don’t think he plans on buying this house with me.

My credit and trouble would work against him. I’m not sure though if that would be entirely fair. Couple of things here.

First, if he were to die, then I’d have to know if I would lose the house – let’s take for granted it’s paid for by then. We would hope one of the family move in with us so that they could pay the taxes. But, if Rich’s kids would think that house only belong to their father, they’d want me out and they’d want to sell the house and each collect 1/3 an inheritance. Maybe in this situation, we’d have to look more equitably at the situation. I would like to think that I could stay in the house until I died even if Rich were to go before me AND we’d be able to split the house between 6 kids, not just 3. Now if I were to die before and if Rich has been paying 70-75% on the house, plus all the things its going to need, and he were going to continue then after my death paying 100%, then would he gain my full “share” of money … $120,000 over 10 years? Hmm, maybe that would be fair … If I’d put $120,000 into the house then Rich would keep the house naturally, but then after he died then maybe each of my kids would get $40,000 and then his kids could keep the balance. Chances are really really for sure the house would go up, but even if it stayed the same value that would mean that his kids would each collect $73,300. Hmm, that’ be fair!

Wow … I’d have to talk to Rich about that. His kids would get almost more than double my kids, but they’d get that plus anything else extra the house is really worth 10 years later. I’m really sure the house would appreciate over time. As to the kids … $40,000 is a nice piece of change, plus Rich has life insurance for his kids and even wife I think, so they’d get $73,300, the extra profit, AND his life insurance. They’d have no reason to complain. BUT, I do think that my kids should get something. Mostly because $12,000 a year paid toward the house is significant – especially 10 years down the line. Why should I lose everything and have to as a girlfriend pay to stay with my Sweetie? There’s always the question if Rich put more money into it … like that 10% down, but then I’m doing my little share toward that in that I’m not asking for me to cost ANY of his money and the money I’m saving him by not costing is helping him save his money, and since his kids are obviously getting much more than mine … fair seems fair.

Pshwoo … ok, got that worked out. Next? Shoot … I forgot to figure something out.

If Rich were to die before me, then how would it work out. Obviously I want to continue living in the house. I think it would have to go that … Rich’s kids are still going to get the life insurance, but they should also get something out of the house. I think what would need to be done at that time is to calculate how much each of Rich and us has put into the house. If I am paying 30% of the house, than I think that would mean at a straightaway cost that I’d have to give out 70% of the value … so if we were like 5 years down the line than Rich would have put $2300 in it times 5 … well it comes out to we should pay the Prykop kids each 1/3 of 138,600 or basically $46,000. So, we’d have to figure that out. If we sold the house, it would seem that wouldn’t be too much problem, but we don’t want to sell the house.

I think the only way we could keep it then would be if one of the kids wanted to move in and take over the 2nd floor, plus whatever on the first – with the exception of the in-law room.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how interest works. I think we’d be paying like $396,000 over the course of a 10 year loan. If the house stayed valued for $350,000 and we’d paid off $396,000 – 198,000 = $198,000, plus we’d have to finance that plus 138,600 which would be hmm, that would mean to pay off Rich’s kids we’d have to refinance $336,600. Might have to do one of two things. First, we could ask that nothing be paid out unless we were to die. That would mean we’re just paying off the balance of $198,000. It would mean I continue to contribute $1000, but that one of the kids would have to move in and pay $2300 a month. I think Maury is now paying $2500 for his place and it is a much lesser place.

He could take over the $2300 and have the master bedroom for himself and Lauren, plus the two bedrooms for the girls with their own bath. I would like to maintain the library and the in-law room. They would gain the advantage of moving into a nicer place, plus they’d have the whole basement to do something with, plus they’d be doing something toward helping out their mother/mother-in-law major.

We would have to work it out that Maury if forced to sell would at least get what he put into it. So, if we were to die and the place were to be sold … then if he’d be in for 5 years … he’d get the first cut of $138,000. That would leave $138,000 for Rich’s kids and only about $74,000 to split between the three of my boys … which would be about $24,700. Maury would obviously get his $138,000 plus $24,700 for $163,000. That would make his investment well worth everything.

There’s one more consideration that might be at an advantage to consider. That is that Rich might want to take out an extra life insurance policy for me. Basically, he might want to take out two policies. He would want to take out $120,000 on me to cover the balance of my end toward the whole if I were to die first. There might be extra if there were money to pay the boys and or cover my debts. And, then he would need to take care of me by taking out a $300,000 policy on him to be given specifically to me to cover the cost I might have in paying off the house if some of these other arrangements weren’t to be made – or something like that … I’m getting a little foggy now in all these details. Basically, though … I know that the house would be Rich’s, but I really think I should be covered to make sure that I wouldn’t have to lose my household if something were to happen to him, or vice-versa … if something were to happen to me.

Pswhoo. That’s a lot of thinking! Maybe we should look into something else for awhile. This has been a good practice in thinking for me, but … it’s time to take a break. Maybe I could look for a moment back at the house and see what all this is in being worthwhile.

Hmm, we’re at about page 7 by now. I think that was a lot of thinking. I’m really glad we went through it. I’ve just saved just to make sure we didn’t lose all that brain power. Hehehe. Ok, it’s a life.

It’s about 7:30 am now. I’m not sure if I should let Rich sleep, or if I should wake him up in 15 minutes. Basically, his 8 am show is coming on, but then on the other hand he might want to appreciate getting a little more sleep. I’m thinking I might want to relax a little and I’m thinking maybe a small break to take a shower before he gets up. Then I’ll feel better and then be able to crawl into bed with him those last few moments. Hmm? Good deal? Let’s try that out :)

WooHOO!!! Good deal … feel like a million bucks. We’re going to give Rich another 10 minutes before we crawl in with him. Just checked the web site … It looks like the sales office is open Monday through Sunday from 10 am to 6 pm. I think if Rich is going to go to his friends this afternoon then we might want to plan to leave here by 10 am. That means if he wants to go with us … he’d be able to fit it in, but if not, so be it. Plus, he’d be able to watch his morning show before needing to take a shower and go out. Chances are he’s not going to want to go out, but that’s ok with me. I don’t have to buy a house to look at one. Ok, then that’s a plan.

AHA! Snuggle bunny just woke up and went into the bathroom. We’re going to need and find away to still snuggle him. Maybe he will go back to the bedroom for a bit more, or maybe I’ll have to creep behind him from the most obvious place where he would sit on the couch and give him his morning massage. Let’s see which direction he goes. Might have to get him some coffee and might have to make some more … I’ve been drinking *Giggle*

Woohoo. We’re back … it’s about 8:15 am. Now. Rich is up and has been getting a massage. We watched a little TV with him, but we weren’t concentrating on it real hard. We wanted to get in our good feelings rub and then we wanted to get back to the computer. Hey and we found a little package of kitty treats. Chief picked up on it right away … he heard us opening the package or he smelled it open – not sure just know he was sniffin away when it came to passing some of the out. We couldn’t lure Missy out of her zone though. *Sigh*

We brushed our hair out some and we told Rich we’d look at the bills today. Maybe after we get back. I’m sure there is going to be some writing time just to talk about the thrill of what we’ve seen. We did tell Rich that with or without him, we’d be going out to see the houses today. I’m looking so much forward to it. I really hope he comes … just don’t want to push him to be building up anything negative about it. Just nice to see his face looking at what I’m thinking is going to be scrumptious. We tried to get out of him too what he’s thinking about for Thanksgiving. I reminded him that we haven’t yet got from him any idea on what we might be doing with the boys. Normally, I treat them out for dinner. But, without bills being paid for a bit, I know there isn’t going to be money for it. But, I don’t know if there won’t be money for cooking for them … his first reaction was that it would be a lot of work. I told him I would help, but yes it would be a lot of work.

I really want to do something, but I can’t push him. I reminded him that he’s going to want to spend some time with his kids too. I’d like to think my plans aren’t waiting on his ex. That makes me feisty, because now it’s less than a week away.

If he doesn’t want to do anything than he has to be fair and tell me. But, then all I got was him saying … I’ve got something in mind. Why does it have to be such a mystery? I’m only giving him until after the show is over and if we got some free time together like if he drives with us out to Oswego. No reason I shouldn’t know if he’s planning anything that I need to be telling my family about. That would be just unfair.

I think my biggest break of the day has come in saying that even if he doesn’t want to go, I don’t have to wait for him. There’s no doubt it would be his house and he should have primary say over it. But, that really isn’t the way it goes most often. I have to be the one to wait and hope he does something in our favor, but I don’t have to stop dreaming because of wherever he’s at. I’d like to see though the house itself to see how it feels. If I don’t like it in person, then we can let this particular obsession go.

Rich seems to think that everything takes a long time to think through and decide.

But, that would be to deny that I’ve spent a ton of time sorting things out. No, nobody asked me to do this, but this is the way my mind works. I think to reach goals you have to first imagine them and everything else will fall in place.

Hmm, I got our kitty back. He’s in a good mood. I got Missy out by calling here kitty-kitty and then split the rest of the pack between them. It was just a little pouch. He then snooped around the garbage so I took out the empty package and let him have it. I think he’s a little more relaxed now knowing that there isn’t more.

Hmm, either that or he’s up here because he thinks I’ve got another packet. They’ve been out of wet food now for two days. I don’t know if Rich has in his plans to go shopping today, but since I’m not paying and going to the store direct … maybe like Thanksgiving I’m being held hostage. That happened with two-three days not having fudgicles … shoot never know how to spell that word. It’s like restaurant … that’s a hard word for me. Anyway … I have to let this all go for a bit again. I’m feeling a little hostile. Don’t want to be there. Wouldn’t be worth the trouble it would cause me or me in our relationship to Rich. Honestly, for where we are now with our planning he doesn’t have to be there. I don’t know how he would find something on his own, or what exactly he might want. I can show him why I think the place is perfect. In general, I’m thinking he’s good with the open kitchen family room combination, just in general I think he would like to skip having a place for everyone to be meeting. But, I’ve been meeting my kids out at restaurants for the last 10 years. I want to have a real home to welcome them back to.

Might have to go back to thinking through what I have to be doing on my own without Rich. That sounds harsher than it should be. Just if I’m talking my dreams … there’s no saying that what is coming to my mind would come to his in that he has to give his all to support it. I have no doubt if I could do this house on my own, he would come with me, like me doing this apartment … he can make use of it. But, the one thing I know for sure, if I let his limitations affect my dreams, then I might have just as well given up life. Especially, to those people where things are hard in coming – the more important are the dreams. There has to be some point of pulling one forward in life.

So with that … let’s think of something different.

We did have a week that has so far been left unrecorded. I am disappointed to say that it wasn’t totally a productive week. I was off-schedule again. Some things got done like I was with Group I all week, did all the Circles groups, did staff training and Thinking group, and I did two staffing, plus a little of what else I’m supposed to be doing, but it was still not close enough to what I want to be doing.

I have to be able to do all this, PLUS the stuff that I want to be doing to keep on schedule.

I don’t think I’m going into the pluses and minuses of the week though. It was busy and I tried my best not to be put out with the concept of work. I was able to have some feelings of competence, so we went with that. I was back too to not hating going to work so much. Basically, I enjoyed my time with the Barack Obama audiobooks. I have all three now. AND, the last one – his Father’s House is like the first spoken by him, which makes everything a very big treat. There was one more meeting this week in that we had a Behavioral meeting. I had to prepare those minutes ahead of time, and I had to prepare the minutes after because of the seriousness of some of the other stuff going on. That effort was gone over a couple of times, because I felt it should be gone over by sister. I guess I did all that too, and there was one more meeting – the Advisory committee where I gave a small presentation. So, I guess in all I really did have a lot of meetings accomplished.

There was some extra work too in that one of my girls was still going through family problems and it took some extra time to work that through. I had to coordinate some effort with CSO, but I think the bulk of that responsibility is going to fall on them. Pshwoo. I do have a big report to write on Monday to go with that, but it’s mostly a combination of some older reports I read. The idea is to give OIG a cumulative report on what’s happened to this person over the last 3 years or so.

Ok, good … now enough of that!

The other thing that happened this week is, of course, we saw Dr. Marvin on Thursday night. That was good. I think we stayed primarily older. Wow … it’s a blank badland now in our mind. Do we remember anything about that? I think we talked a little about Rich and his inhibition in going out to spend money on the boat that he did end up going out for on Friday. We added to that our newer knowledge that he’s thinking seriously about only getting separated.

We’ve told Rich in no uncertain terms, that we wouldn’t kick him out or anything over it, but we’d be very unhappy. Dr. Marvin can understand our frustration in the situation, but Rich seems to be thinking nothing of it. He keeps holding on to that he won’t be able to afford health insurance for his ex, unless they just get separated. I think that’s the most terrible thing I’ve ever heard. After 15 years of going out with him being married and now living with him a year and a half … that he wouldn’t show any courteousness or sense of decency of stopping that other relationship as a married person. He emphasizes he wouldn’t be married, but then we emphasis that he wouldn’t be divorced either.

We told him what Dr. Marvin said … at least from what we can remember. Basically, Rich feels guilt so a couple of things are happening. One he’s thinking of only separation, which as a side effect gives him some control over his wife. The other thing is that he’s paying off a lot more money than is normally given to an ex in that she’ll be doing better than him or I. I know that the deal is that he has to take care of that on his own, but it doesn’t stop my frustration with it. There’s another part of Dr. Marvin’s conversation with that too in that – especially, in doing something for himself like getting the boat – Rich is feeling guilt as if he didn’t really believe he deserves it. For all these years, he’s been paying for other people and those people keep taking, but they do not seem to appreciate his rights to treat himself. Maybe this is again Rich’s sense of guilt talking … talking to that boy whose father left. So, not only does he feel he owes his wife and family in a guilt-oriented way so that would mean he doesn’t know what’s reasonable or not, but he’s also in a situation of feeling guilt if he spends on himself. I think this is because their needs always came before his.

We talked to Rich about this yesterday … in a very brief condensed manner. We reminded him that when he lived at the old house, the only space he felt was his was that corner of the fridge where he placed his keys and stray papers. Even now … with his old things like his grandfather’s books passed down … it is his son going through his things and deciding what’s to be kept or not. I have an understanding that most things are being sold or thrown out … and I could bet you a million dollars that none of that money is going to be given back to Rich.

I really try not to feel bad about his kids, but it’s hard to see the position that his son Chris has taken over the position of father and husband at Rich’s house, but he’s still expecting Rich to pay the bills for not only his wife, but of himself as well. I don’t understand him not contributing toward the mortgage as a part of rent for living there. I also don’t see where the son gives the father bills for extra things for anything from lawn maintenance, the maid, and his carpeting the basement, or too paying for replacing the better of two bathrooms. This all and they are throwing him out? I say this in a manner of saying he doesn’t feel he can go back, and they certainly aren’t letting him come back without the mother being gone or the son be there to supervise, that and the son’s throwing out Rich’s things he’s collected over years to be making more room for the son AND most likely his girl who like the mother and son, will be living off the good will of Rich. I really think he’s being taken advantage of.

I think in this respect, I’m glad that Rich is not paying for me with the exception of taking me out for dinner. As a boyfriend … I don’t think that’s asking too much. But, my bills are my bills and I know that I’m contributing over half toward the household as well again as me having collected all the household things from my budget. I think I’m being more than fair. I’d like to think that somewhere down the line things might be more positive toward my highest hopes and dreams, but even today as we look at the new dream house; we have to remember our place. We don’t have the credit or the money to live or purchase a house of our own. So, we’re always going to remain indebted to Rich, unless somehow or another we could write our way out of our own poverty. As long as he’s going to remain so separate in our relationship as having his and hers, but no ours, then this is going to be a sore point. This is a point that having him be only separated is going to feed.

There are a couple of other things with all that too. The first is that by only being separated which is in general thought to be a middle step between divorce and marriage – he’s always going to have a step in the door of the lawyers and courts.

He’s never going to be free from the entrapments of over-responsibility, or the fact she can keep re-upping her claims. Her needs are always going to come before Rich’s and certainly mine, because officially, he can’t claim to be single or pay for me.

She’ll take it to be that I’m taking from her share in him. The second thing is that in being separated only … he has to make the argument he can decide for her that she cannot remarry because he’s not granted the divorce. Because I don’t think she’s in a serious relationship now and is very dependent, I don’t think that bothers her now as much as it will when she meets someone. Maybe I’m over-thinking her commitment to being independent. But, as far as we’ve seen … besides manipulation of the budgets and self-possessiveness over the house, she’s done nothing to show she’s thinking of taking care of herself.

This includes the part of her wanting to stop work and be on disability because of her high blood pressure. Most people work through it, but she’s planning on not without any concern of putting more into her own piece of the pie. She still shops, goes on vacation, see’s the Beatles nearly every week, and she carry’s her own inherited trust, but she needs to have someone with her at all times. I guess that is still confusing me that the older son has to come home and be with her so Chris can go with his girl on vacation. Chris is protective of her now … and again we’re talking one’s mother so anything goes, but as a more independent person … it seems again to be taking advantage … and it upsets me to see anyone take advantage of her children. Rich should know better, but the kids don’t seem to be given much wiggle space. I think that’s cruel. But, again … hey … maybe Chris is appreciating being able to help his mother out … even if it’s at cost to Rich.

Ok, enough of that. I’m really in much deeper than I want to be. I’m just riding out some frustration in the situation more realistically that I find myself. I want to be independent and even if I didn’t … I couldn’t put it on the boys that they take care of me … AND, realistically, I couldn’t put it on Rich. Even if he owned a house he might one day buy. I as his girlfriend … would still be paying nearly 40% of my income in rent.

It’s about now when I remind myself how small and trite I can become. I don’t think I like this part of me, but its part of being independent – to realize how small your life, at least financial life is. I’ve got nothing than what might stay in my account for a week or two at a time. And, even then it all belongs out. I think my school loan is about $34,000 and I owe about $15,000 debt to the hospital, as well now to $18,000 plus toward the car. So, instead of starting even-Steven, we’re starting a relationship $67,000 behind. So, I guess you can say … that’s the state of our Union. HMPF!

I think at that … I’ve had plenty of reality, so I’m going back to my dreams. I’m going to post and then get dressed and then maybe tie a few things up, but basically I’m going to leave in about 45 minutes. No fights or problems. Just me with a dream.

Hmm, that was pretty much unfun. It’s about 9:45 am now and Rich and us have been talking for a bit – the bit that wasn’t getting dressed and ready to leave.

Basically, he wanted to complicate my life and I wasn’t having it. The plain truth was that with or without him I was going out to Oswego to look at the house. That had to all be gone through out loud. He said he had thought he might go, but later on … we told him we were going earlier, because if he did go out then he would be able to follow through the plan he told me of spending time over at Jack’s. He said he hadn’t confirmed that plan. We were like whether you decide to go or not, I saw no reason why I should sit around all day … when the most important part of my day was to go to Oswego. If they are open at 10 and it takes an hour to get there … Actually just 42 minutes because we checked that out, then let’s get on with it.

Basically, we were tying our shoes as we started the conversation. He said we didn’t prepare him and we reminded him we told him we’d be going this morning back at 7:45 am. I think he just wanted more control or to be an obstacle or throw in pessimism or whatever. But, I didn’t want it.

Then we got into the Thanksgiving deal. He started that argument with the “FACT” that cooking Thanksgiving was going to cost him 16 hours of work. He couldn’t lead me very far through that one though because 16 hours is insane especially, when we know a turkey cooks about 3 hours and you sit down after you open the oven door. He claimed the pie taking extra time and we claimed than take an extra 15 minutes to do it WHILE you are making a pie for your mother’s. HMPF.

But, I played out that hand. If it is going to still take you 16 hours, well, then I apologize for even asking. I said though I had a right to talk over the Thanksgiving plans because it included the boys and me and I didn’t appreciate waiting around for the wife to free up her schedule before he could pinpoint a time to be seeing his own kids. I do know that plans don’t get made until you start to work them through. I thought it inconsiderate he’d hold me hostage there.

Then we also went through the deal with the house. Basically, by now I was on a soap box and I felt put out. I told him that I was fully aware that I had nothing to do with his choice in buying a house, because it was obvious I have neither credit, nor income and I’m $67,000 in the hole. But, taking a long argument and making it short … my point was that he couldn’t take away my dreams. And, what sense would it be to live life without dreams to work toward. So, no matter where he was at I was on a mission of my own. AND, I didn’t care if that was convenient to him or not.

Maybe I’m just digging my way into a hole here, because it would take the two of us to get things done. But, then we pushed things a little further in that – he could leave whenever, but this was still my place and I’d have a choice to leave it with him or not, no matter what he decided he wanted to do or live in. But, again as long as I could hold my own dreams I was doing just that and it came today. He was like wanting to get into the terribleness of his schedule and we were like … you’ve been out with three kids this week, your mother, your basketball, your meetings, your guy friends, etc and you hadn’t made time in your schedule to be with me. The others he could plan for, but me he could take for granted.

I’d had about enough of all that. Double grump.

Ok, but now it is over. I told him if he wanted to go with me I would wait for him to comfortably get dressed, but if he didn’t want to go, I would be leaving. I guess he decided to go with me though he complained it was going to take the whole day. It was like NOT. It would take about 3 hours, and if we got it done this morning … then he could have easily by 2 on for the rest of whatever he wanted to do. I reminded him I sat through no plans with him last weekend and I wasn’t going to do that again to myself.

Sheesh where did all that bad mood come from? I sure hope though I can shake it off. I don’t want to have all the negativity dumped on me though just to be in his space. It seems fine when he’s getting a backrub and coffee served, but otherwise I’m a pain to his schedule? Man-o-man … not going to be taken down that rabbit-hole.

Hmm, Ok, it’s 10 am … we’re going to post … most likely he’s almost dressed and we don’t usually sit around long after the both of us are ready to go. We’ll call the place on the way out or just walk through the sales office. He doesn’t want to talk to a sales person. We were like fine as long as they let us walk through on our own, but if we need one to walk through that would be that. Ok, you … blow it off … the bad part is over right? Now let’s be in a good mood, because we’re going to see the place we think is the making of all our home dreams. That Sweetie after all else is going with us … that just makes it better. He said something to the order of us not being perfect … and we agreed. Told him we’re pretty damn manipulating.

Well … fuck. Was that new? Regardless I’ve got dreams to be tending HMPF!

posted by Ann Marie @ 11/23/2008 10:05:00 AM Comments: 0