Mostly Dr. Marvin
Good morning ... this is me. Are you still there? Pswhoo. Thanks.Hmm, so ok, here we are ... we'res that? Well it's about 5 am. We've been up for about an hour ...mostly catching up with news. It was funny a few seconds ago ... one of the main newscasters especially in the morning said ... they crossed the line now. He was refering to Saturday Night's sketch on the "Magic Board." I have to admit I love that board. If you haven't seen ityet ... it's a huge board with the map of United States and it moves by touch with lighting speed ... like you can throw out numbers in dialogue boxes or flip through the priority of each state polling on the candidates. It's just a great screen.
*Sigh* Ok, we're moving on here. Poor Chief is hanging onto his seat ... his back end is a little close to the edge and he continues to scoot himself forward without to much movement so he keeps riding the edge. I'm not feeling too bad for him though, because he pressured Missy to get off the couch and I'd been giving her a nice pet. To be fair I petted him too for a long time, but now he's just riding the wind.
I'm not sure how well I'm able to focus this morning, but I wanted to mention stuff in general that happened last night at Dr. Marvin's. We did tell him about our avoidance for gym and work and then we mentioned that we were thinking that our avoidance with our secret business is interfering with our general feelings of avoidance. You know this is a problem with us. Usually, it's just not quite this bad ... well unless your thinking of when we dropped out of school because our avoidance of those issues was so high.
Ok, trying to hang in here ... maybe we should get some coffee? Ok, yes and then we'll talk about it right?
Ok, washroom, a little to eat, and some coffee. We're going to be ok, right? Ok, shhh ... enough of that ... things are ok.
Hmm, now as far as Dr. Marvin. We were there about 3 minutes late, but it was ok, because he hadn't come out of his office with the last person. I'm glad there is rarely anyone that come in after me. I think I'm his last appointment of the day on Thursdays. But, anyway we came in and we had our regular troubles. We have a hard time making the break ... well, ok this is nothing after 9 years of new stuff.
But, I think we did pretty good at keeping ourselves adults for the first part. We really did talk about what we weren't getting done. We were also right though in thinking that he was going to pick up on the attachment of the issue to other parts - younger of us that have been avoiding. This time we knew the exact second that we switched parts. It's kind strange how that happens. We can hear the difference in our voice and that's what happened last night. We said it out loud, and then Dr. Marvin confirmed that yes, he had heard the difference in our voice too.
I wish I understood that process. We know so well by now that when our voice cracks then our thought and memories an life is going the same divergent direction. It's more a matter of holding on to see where it is going to take us. I think for the sake of argument we spent the second half hour pretty much regressed. I'm not sure of the questions and answers of what was going on, but I know that after a while, we all were - including Dr. Marvin aware that there were two parts out that were both young. We couldn't identify the part that was giving us trouble, but after it was over, Casey was very quick to say that it had been AnnieMi. That's good information for us, but still confusing as to how much trouble this is causing her and hence us.
I remember it was left in that Casey was seeing AnnieMi pull back ... she was walking then carefully away from us as if backing over the hill to a meadow. The meeting place was visualized as the location of a old woodin fence.
While the really hardest part was happening. Casey was telling us that things had gotten very bad and that we were again at a suicidal level. Dr. Marvin was able to stay with us close enough to state that we were at a point where we could easily go over the mountain top. I don't remember being in that situation, but we remember of it. We were breathing shallowly and we knew it was no different than other times we've taken the overdoses. We weren't tolerating well the hardship feelings that were occuring. We felt very distinctly we were hovering between holding and the threat of going further. It was like wait, wait ... wait.
Dr. Marvin was astute enough to help us back out of the situation. He made things safe again. I remember some sense of that too. We were extremely close to him. I remember now a similar sense of when we were out with him and he was telling us that our father was really dead. That didn't go over well and led up to the time we took pills after we got home and he stopped the conversation to call 911, but then he was back on the phone with us.
This time ... we didn't stay in the suicidal feelings although we feel them close to us. I don't know what is happening with this issue to make things seem so threatening, but after last night it was very clear that the specific one or at least the next gatekeeper was threatened. I wish I could explain the step that happens to us. No different from us holding a razor blade over our neck again Dr. Marvin backing us away from that part. What did he say? I remember another point of it being confused. How could we be so happy in our thoughts of Obama and the election, but so depleted the next moment. We did answer one question of that in that I think we are feeling somewhat that Obama is like our hero. And, it is this point about where we think we need someone to save us.
I remember also talking to Dr. Marvin in that we asked him if what wa happening with us happened to others ... this process of coming in and out and so close to being at a critical point. I had the sense that this wasn't something new to Dr. Marvin at all. I think back to the days that we knew he was in charge of the emergency room doctors. We've always had the sense that he was able to meet us and be there for us when we hit those low bottoms. I don't know why we can't make them go away, though we could acknowledge that that might be asking more than is capable of the situation.
I think I'm going to pause here though before it gets too much ... while we want to grasp that point we were ... we realize that we aren't or don't need to go there. I remember him saying that we were going to be able to leave that space here in his office like we'd done when writing down on the sheet of paper what had happened. Hmm, that was something too ... we clued him in on a problem he was having architecting his speech around an unknown situation. It was something that was still happening in the present as had happened then. He took it in as easily, or maybe dexteriously as another breath.
We can know we trust him, but someone still has to go through whatever experience this is. I think it would be unique if we could take it to this level in our thinking or writing - consciously, but I have no knowledge how that would be done. I feel we are never more truthful than when we are at that level. Everything, every sound is more real than the last.
Ok, that's done ... we took our shower, packed our bag, and got our medicine. We also ate some power pudding. WooHOO. It's about 6:25 am now. We should probably be waking up Sweetie Pie ... shoot ... do we? Maybe just those few moments of snuggling! Can you forget about all that? Ok, NO ... brb
*Giggle* Ok, maybe not too long there. He was near ready to get up after a quick little snuggle. He's a real dish!
We're up to 6:32 am, but we're not feeling too heavy. AHA! They are talking about the political taxi cab drivers. They talked about them being United Nations people. They are from all over the place. It feels like that last ride we had with the cab coming from Obama's headquarters. That was some good conversation. They are excited about the change ... others are saying that it has gone on too long.
Whoops. Sweetie Pie.
posted by Ann Marie @ 10/24/2008 06:54:00 AM
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