New Year's Eve Day
Good morning … this is me. It’s already Monday morning and this is it New Year’s Eve so between today and tomorrow we have to wrap up the whole of last year, yesterday, and tomorrow, plus the whole New Year. I’m not sure if we’re up to all this yet. Seems like a steep bill. Right now thogh we’re just getting settled … we didn’t wake up until 7 am … we were up watching a movie with Rich last night … can we remember what we saw … hold on let me think. I don’t remember, but maybe we will after a bit.Getting up to that time … let’s see we were watching the show with sweetie … I read about that. And, then someone says there might have been a shower and some Tom Foolery. Something there before the football game? I don’t remember it … just hearing it from a report roll call thing. We did watch the bears with Sweetie and that was a good game. I think we were massaging him, but I think we were still in the bedroom when it started … hehehe lucky more than one tv. BUT, I think he turned it off too for a bit I don’t know pretty confused there. I don’t think I remember meals too good either. Think there was something about a liquid lunch for me and a sandwich for him. Yes, that’s right he had the last of the French bread … and bad kitty came up and knocked over his sandwich … lucky it wasn’t over on the floor Whew! That woulda been a problem.
Let’s see then after then he went out for something I don’t remember, maybe just to get the movie, but then he ended up meeting Bob for an outing over to Bob’s parents and it turned out that Bob’s kids were all over there and one grandchild for a celebration with his parents, but they didn’t stay long and after when Rich – it was sometime after 5 pm I think – then Rich was putting together a ham dinner for us and testing out the new toaster oven and we were trying to figure out the Bob situation with his family, but not getting too far. I think it took about 45 minutes for the ham to do what it had to do … It was precooked. Rich made veggies – corn and beans, and potatoes and gravy and glaze for the ham. It was VERY good! I don’t really remember too much about the dinner time ‘cept I put the dishes away while Rich put away the food. And, when we came out to the living room the couch was set up … We usually make the margarita for dinner and then take medicine after and then have a little leftover after … it’s unusual to have more than one drink per evening, but we had one for lunch too.
Ohhh, I know the movie. We watched Tim Allen’s Santa Clause 3. Hehehe that’s very entertaining for the parts that count. I think there were parts complaining all the way to bed – about 6-8 feet how tired they weren’t, but they were zonked before Rich left the room a moment later. Yeah not tired, right! Sheese - Likely story…
That about takes us up to this morning … We got up and Rich had gotten up and was at the computer already. He had made coffee, but hadn’t poured it yet. We checked the scale and was holding at the 10 pound loss part, but no better. Rich had progressed less. It’s a struggle. He was in the strong need to get business done mode, and had snapped at us … he was apologetic afterward, but we figured he really must have been under pressure so we came right away into the living room. We had our medicine first and then brought with us our yogurt and cottage cheese. It took us a few minutes to adjust the music. We found a bunch of stuff around a Simon and Garfunkel theme. We also checked our regular news themes. Nothing to write home about there. *Sigh*
So, that about catches us up. There was one more thing. Some time in there for maybe a couple of hours, we went into the room yesterday. I think that wasn’t all the way pleasant. Just that it’s been a struggle. Almost from the beginning, but more conscientiously since the last three or four times I will do what I consider a standard room entrance. I say hi or some variation of that … last night I said “hi – hi!” and hope to get a hi back. Usually, there is a fairly full room, but not everyone is talking. A lot of times there is one particular person moderating the group. Sometimes she will acknowledge people and talk to them, but if she doesn’t acknowledge them, it is hard to get in on the conversation, because you feel unaccepted or intruding. She has a harder time talking to a group and will often narrow it down to just one or two others. I will start a conversation with anyone that says something of a hi back to me, but I usually won’t say anything if someone doesn’t say hi to me. If one person is dominating the talk and she doesn’t acknowledge you with the simple hi, then I feel I shouldn’t interrupt – I will try to figure out a better way to come in later down the line when the conversation is more open or less dominated.
Sometime that makes me feel frustrated, but it seems the proper rule of etiquette, given the circumstances. There isn’t more to it than that really. I like the person who has taken this position of moderator – I don’t know how conscientious she is of the role she’s taken. I think that everyone “steps-out” or does different things periodically to give others a chance to “talk.”
One of the things I have to figure out about myself is why what the group as individuals and as a group is doing is so much more or at least as important as what they are trying to do as a community effort. Basically, their given message is to help themselves and others get through the experiences of weight lost surgery (WLS). One method of doing this is to answer the questions of new members. Many of the “regulars” seem willing to do this. It seems to be a first line reaction to put yourself to task when a person asks a question to either share an experience or dig into your knowledge bank and respond as from what others have said from your experience of sharing the room with others, or at least pointing to others as resources.
But, then there is the deeper assistance that the regulars give to one another between the times that the newbies aren’t there asking questions. Or, maybe it isn’t assistance, but commarderie? I’m not sure here … we’re on real shaking ground.
It seems there is something of group dynamics in that I’ve heard many times going around in circles that certain people get along with each other better than others. For example, one individual mentioned getting on someone’s “good list.” Another offered to be there for another to share confidences. Some have taken on relationships of sisters, brothers, mothers, or fathers. Some tease each other in sexual relationships. Some people think others talk negatively behind their backs, or make other low self-esteem comments. Some naturally have special friendships that take on different means of relating as per IMs or other personal exchanges.
And, some take on or exchange “control” or leadership rights over the room as to knowledge, experience, quickness, respect, popularity, crankiness, dominance, or other.
It would seems that there are things that are positive and negative about any experience and in particular about the group experience that could be read about, but that isn’t really where I’m at right now. I don’t want to psychoanalyze the group as much as I would most likely want to gain a safe role where I’m not being challenged at all times. It seems that I’m being challenged in some ways by the people I see as “leaders” in the group. I don’t feel like I have anyone that trusts me or that I can trust. Maybe on smaller levels – by that I mean on the “friendship” scale of people on the “friends” list. I am probably much like the others where I just want to help and be helped all at regular intervals of care and concern. But, if the group dynamics lead to roles where I have to submit to others per say to buy onto someone’s “good list” than I cheapen the worth of my role … I have only bought myself serfdom. Yeeks – why on Earth would I give up my independence for that. It’s like I will need to be accepted for myself. And, actually here I am … this is me … Is this something that is ok?
I consider the biggest problem would be as is normal to be that I write. I write about my experiences and that most consider any relationship they might have with me or in parallel with my life to be private … that would just mean that like everything else that happens in this decade of my life – it goes private into the greater blog. Naturally – without names or much else to identify roles with the exception of character traits. Yeah, I know lots of trust building stuff here, right? See the thing is people think I’m writing about them, but that’s just not true, I’m writing about my experience. That has to be repeated. I am writing about my experience. I have a perspective and that perspective can be changed, but I have to have a right to have one – to state it for the record prior to it being challenged, and then I have the right to state a revised version and then that one too will become my perspective – based on my newer experience. This seems to me to be living. I am not looking for controversy … rather live under a rug actually, but I cannot stop writing just to avoid it. Writing is what I do and I write about my experiences. That is what’s most important. That I’m interested in the WLS group right now … that’s just something that has to be figured out.
Hmm, Wintogreen sugarfree lifesavors – not to bad … just under 9 calories per. 40% less calories. That’s pretty good. It’s something … I see no vast difference in taste, although I haven’t had one in years. I’ve got to be getting back to the water though. That’s the big deal. Ok, see we have a half a bottle here. It’s 10:15 am now … ok let’s finish it up – just a sip at a time. Last time up we warmed up with warmer pjs, slippers, and fresh coffee … this next trip will be about new water … good for me … you? Great!
We poured Rich a cup too … He’s in there doing business calls … no interrupting him today … he seems pretty serious … he’s super charged bunny … Said something about getting out there today … not sure what time he is leaving, but there might be a good chance that sometime tonight after it gets dark that we’re going to the ZOO AGAIN! WOOHOOO!!! Aha! Chance of snow 50-60%, but only 1-2” I think that’s a good deal. Won’t overpower us. About 31 degrees now with a low tonight of 21, right now the winds are 0 mph, but might also pick up tonight, sigh … but, we’ll be with our sweetie! WOOHOO!!!
I think he has to go shopping too, because he has to find his mother and step-father a Christmas gift … yep yep … that’s what’s up next … then I think he’ll be almost done. He said something yesterday that made me pretty happy. Well beside the fact he’s getting himself a golf club he’s been looking at. He says he’s saved up the money he needs to get a boat. It was like WHAT!?? BUT, I think that has a downside … I think he’s going to need to use most of that money to get his family a couple bathrooms fixed up. But, for the moment it seemed really good. Yesterday, he was on the computer looking down a list of boats he might like to look at. He was looking at 17-20’ boats both aluminum and fiberglass, and expensive and cheap. I’m thinking he’s going to go cheap, but we’re pushing him to go for more. I’m pretty sure he’s going to need getting that bathroom fixed first … lot of pressure for not having it done already. I think this is something that has gone on for years and now just made worse because he’s gone.
They may be trying to redo their space to get Rich’s stuff out and to make room for Christie Chris’ fiancé. Yup – yup … be interesting to see how that gets written up in the divorce papers. Like what obligation is there to them? If anything Chris and Christy should be putting like $600-700 toward if not house improvement – at least something toward an account that will go to purchasing their own place. Hmm, I think that Rich had some idea of that before of money being saved from them going toward savings to the three kids – would that be fair? Hmm, first thing would be that it be divided in quarters giving Christie an equal share. I think that it would have to be a check written to Rich (and Sharon) and that would have to be agreed to be split 4 ways to go to all four … Hmm, that could be substantial. That be $1800 at the end of the year each – with $3600 for Chris and Christy. Two years $3600/$7200, three years $5400/ $10,800.
Wow … That be pretty spectacular … plus the money could be put in CD’s or something that could be added to monthly so it would be worth more. That be a good target to aim for … if they could get through 3 years – the older two might be more supportive for $5000 (easy) money and definitely in 3 years it would be worthy it to Chris and Christy to have earned $10,800 to put down on something – beside whatever they might have saved. Good reason then to keep the accounts separate so that earnings can be separated at any time with benefits being fairly benefited. In the meantime although Jon and Jil got easy money … Chris and Christy got somewhere to live for 3 years – with mom of course, but somewhere to live for only $600 with a payoff of half their money back at the end of their time put in. I think that’s a great idea – plus the parents get to figure they are helping all three kids. The mom gets to keep family around – and Rich gets help for the wife, though has to pay out on the house for the three of them. Still have to figure on how to pay the extra stuff family might need to fix up house.
Ok, here ya go … this is what we sent to Rich … we gave him 1 min 21 second version when he walked past … he said he would have to look at it – so we emailed it to him. Now we have to get back to our other thoughts hehehe. The one thing we’re deadest sure of is that Christy get her equal due for living with MIL – whether she is a good one or not – she is going to take a toll on the marriage.
Here's the breakdown for 9 years. The first set of numbers is the amount of money Chris and Christy would owe for living in the house - be good to establish which areas of the house is "theirs" and which are your "wives’" so they can have some privacy or intimacy - like they get your old den and such. Count how many rooms are "theirs." You have what 8-9 room house with basement and garage? They need some defined space.
The second set of numbers is the amount by 1/4 that will accumulate at the end of each year. I say by quarter because it is important that the rent be collected by you (and your wife), but you as the keeper of family money business. You can set the money to 4 separate accounts that are interest bearing ... There are four accounts that will go to your three kids AND Christy. From this point on she's a full partner. BUT, of course, she and Chris can pool their money so that as a couple they will be claiming half the profits. It should be specified somewhere that this money is only to be used as down payment on housing - if this can be done - maybe by a co-signature of you.
The third set of figures is the accumulative amount by 1/4 before the interest is added on. This means that by the end of the 9 years of Christy and Chris living there - each of the kids - if the money hadn't been used would have saved $21,600 toward their own place - as a couple Christy and Chris will have earned $43,200 toward their own place. If Chris and Christy leave the house at any time then they obviously aren't paying forward and the money sits as it is unless anyone wants to pay into the accounts, which of course is always an option, or an option as a "presents" source.
If Chris and Christy split up - they both take their own portion with them, but the one staying has to continue paying rent at a deduction of like 10-15%. Chances are they are going to keep the same amount of space, so they should pay for that. As to the breakdown of money though - From that point forward the breakdown would be by 1/3rds. 900/3 is 300 where 900/4 would have been 225 and 900x10%= 800/3 is 267 a piece. This would mean that to most likely Chris - he'd be paying 100 less for his space without his girl - retrospective of two years previous payment, but still have all the space he was accustomed to, plus he'd be collecting $42 a month more in his kitty - as would his siblings. Good deal all around - cept no girl to sit on his lap :(
First set
1 – 600, 2 – 650, 3 – 700, 4 – 750, 5 – 800, 6 – 850, 7 – 900, 8- 950, 9- 1000
Second set
1 – 1800, 2 – 1950, 3 – 2100, 4 – 2250, 5 – 2400, 6 – 2550, 7 – 2700, 8 – 2850, 9 – 3000
Third set
1 – 1800, 2 - 3750, 3 – 5850, 4 – 8100, 5 – 10500, 6 – 13050, 7 – 15750, 8 – 18600, 9 - 21600
Now … the shaky parts … it is fair to ask Chris and Christy to pay something for living in Chris’ childhood home with his mother, right? And, too the part where it got confusing as to the usage of extra rooms … I think it got tense with Chris for having both his siblings home – as to where they were going to sleep … maybe he had rooms taken up – specifically with bathroom stuff – well that’s Rich’s part naturally. He’s got to get that cleared up and then next I think he has to clear up some of the other space so that Chris can claim some of what he will be paying for … if nobody can use it because it is Rich than he has to get it out of there. I can hear him saying he has no place to put it. But, how long is that expected to last.
I signed a lease and even though he’s not on it … we’ll be hard strapped to start two households. I’m going to count on his money for school loans. I think that’s what we figured.
Rich seems poor at sometimes like how can he afford a 10 x 15 storage, but then he’s talking about having enough to buy a boat and that’s like $10,000 plus. Obviously, he’s saving his nickels. I say it’s a priority to straighten out those obligations over at the family house … there needs to be an obligation to fix and clear over at the house … it’s got to be made ready for Chris and Christy. There should be a move-in date established and plans made. We might want to start pushing Rich for this.
I think the money is there now. I think he wants to pay less, but might have to pay more – like $7,500 for the repairs. It’s going to take plumbing, shower walls, plaster walls, and floors, plus time. I think he has that much money, but is afraid it is going to cost more. He is feeling panicked about getting that boat I think.
But, I think it’s an either or deal. I don’t think he can get both unless one’s on credit. Maybe together we can make that resolution. I’ve let go my end here.
This would be a lot easier to plan if I were involved, but Rich is like being slow as molasses. I don’t think he wants to give things up and I don’t think there’s been a plan on how to get him in the house without her in there, because she is SO upset by anything he does. That leaves it back to things needing to be done by Chris and Dad. It sure would help if Jon would pitch in. I don’t know though … I think he’s close to a job interview and starting up there. He doesn’t seem to be a real physical kid. I think Chris and Rich need to clear a working side of the garage … this half is garbage that needs to be tossed. And, when it all gets out – by Chris weekly or by a dumpster, then more is brought out. In the meantime the other half of the garage should be a collection spot for Rich stuff … This is the stuff he is going to want to keep. And, it is going to need going in storage whether he gets our moving guy or he gets a uhaul with his son.
Now what would it take to get that kind of movement through the garage? I don’t think there are cars out there. If the wife wants her space, then she’s going to have to make the place available when Chris and his Dad have some time off. Rich is going to need being a little more assertive on getting some work done. Keep and move, or toss. Let’s get on with it. Chris and Christy will want to move IN. And, the only way you can fairly charge them toward their future and give them a fair shot at being together is to allow them to create their own environment. That has to be done BY Chris and Christy AND NOT the Mom. She can’t dictate the space for them. I remember what it was like with that 3-4 months with the Garvey’s. It was the most important thing in the world to get the attic. We moved a bed, some space for clothes, a rocking chair, some rugs, etc. We still ended up spending most our time in the family living area, but there was a place to go, because I thought we were invading their space.
Maury didn’t feel it because it was his home, but I felt it. Especially, from one of his younger sisters. The younger brothers were better. Eileen was still there and she was likely to storm into a room at any given time. Brian and Chris were more mellow and like – hey how ya doin? Everything changed when Mr. Garvey was in and Mrs. Garvey was like an everywhere presence. Dan popped in and Mary Fran was there for the summer … she was going to school at the general time. It was such a God Damned blessing when we moved into our own place. Especially, due to our moods and insecurities. AND, because we were pregnant … that had to do a lot with needing our own space. The little two bedroom in Chicago was the greatest thing on Earth.
It was only like $175. It was found in August and it was a God send even if clothes were to be dried on lines. Ok, we’re not going there, but just saying … It might have been somewhat different living with an entire family opposed to just a mother, but living in SOMEONE elses home is different than moving into your own place. The space has to be defined, because you are going to want to decorate for yourself.
You are not going to want a bunch of someone elses things about you that you have to be over careful with. Women with babies and new marriages like to NEST!
Pswhoo. Fell asleep a few moments there. Not sure which truck hit me. I woke up feeling cold and hungry … so we made a cup of the grits. Mmm … that was good.
Totally lost my thought for a while. I could feel myself struggling to stay awake and then we must have just succumbed to it. It’s going to be hard going back to work. I like being able to have this sort of life style. But, I suppose I should want something more? It’s just that everything interferes with my writing. Doesn’t seem to matter that I don’t have much to write about? Shhh, I know … I have to have experiences. It’s just that even having tiny experiences seem to be a lot for me.
Like going out to the zoo seems to be quite a bit.
I think I’m pretty committed to working until Sr. retires or dies. God Bless her … I hope she doesn’t die of course. It’s just that I don’t know if St. Rose Center would go on without her, or if the Sr.’s would want to continue employing me if there were or were not a St. Rose officially. I think if something on that order were to happen, I would look toward getting disability and see if I couldn’t help Rich to some capacity. I don’t seem to have been too much help to him so far, but maybe we could do something without being a chain around his neck. I don’t think at about 50 or above, I could teach the parts to go to work again for someone again who might or might not be able to put up with us again. I would try to make something of our writing. Maybe go through something toward a publisher.
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posted by Ann Marie @ 1/01/2008 10:59:00 AM
Comments: 1
