Fallen from the wagon
GOOOOOODDDD MOOOORRRNING!!!!HALLELUJIAH!! Today is Day #1 of the Holiday! And, let us remind one another of it’s happiness - Christ Jesus Lord Almighty and any of his lesser creatures I might forget! Hehehe – sorry … it’s all this Christmas music getting into us. This be the good stuff!
WOOHOOO!!!
Ok, ok … shhhhh already sheesh … you think it were … oh .. its is only 5:18 am.
Hehehe … well we have been up for a while and figure we’re shining bright enough to begin the day fairly. We’re still on our first cup of coffee and lover boy is in bed snuggled in tight. He had a late night … I think it took him like 2 ½ hours to get to his game – or something close to that. It was up on the Wisconsin border.
Much too far to go, but I think he was trying to get all his Christmas marbles put in place. That be our Sweetie. I am not real clear about this, but he might even be around home today and if that is the case, I can be pretty sure he’s going to want to jump on that laundry today.
I can’t remember the last time Sweetie was home. He’s been terribly busy this season. Maybe though by the end of the day he’ll find a reason to be out – the bad part is that this is the night I’d planned on being out of all nights to have dinner and shop with Joe. I think it’s going to be ok, Sweetie just needs some time to settle down … Maybe absence is making whatever happen …. AND he’s going to jump my BONES!!! SSHHHHH… Umm only now 5:24 am?!??
Oh yeah.
We crawled into bed with him when we first woke up. Well we might have tickled him for a second and that produced in him the immediate need to use the washroom. Go figure … How does a thing like that happen. What would have happened if I hadn’t of come by!?? So, basically, we were snuggled in his bed when he got back. We gave it a good 10 minutes before giving up ground. He fell asleep without ever really waking up hehehe. I didn’t talk to him, because I had figured it would go that way. I’m sure he was exhausted. I think it was a long night and he said when he called at 9:30 pm before my bed that it was foggy. I remember waking up and listening for the right sounds. I’d realized I hadn’t put on my mask, but that the music was turned down low – that’s universal for I’m home now and you can sleep
tight!
Oh man it’s a while later now … not too long though … about 6:20 am … sheesh … we lost an hour?!?? Oh man! We’ve just been sitting here petting kitties, listening to Christmas music, and smiling. That’s all … we’re so simply entertained. Have to get focused again, but that might mean going to get another cup of coffee, and we’re pretty nice and tucked in again.
Umm … there is something that didn’t happen good yesterday. We might as well say it now and get it out of our way. You know with everything going on over the last bit of time and all – there have been a couple strong themes like well, besides like not working, but like getting gifts, doing the dinner, getting to vacation, diet, that kinda stuff? Well, we had a diet relapse last night. I don’t want everybody getting too real disappointed about it though cuz we are doing that enough all on our own. It was like getting trapped in the skins that we’ve been wearing that other rest of our lives. It was very dramatic as it were occurring. It scared me – I felt in danger, though in all literalness there wasn’t an outside world teaming down on us. It was us eating through our mental sanity … yes, maybe this that was so frightening, though we’ve never thought of it quite like this.
Basically … The day had ended as last written. After we left the office … we asked Candice if she needed a ride and the two of us negotiated a ride to her mothers, which wasn’t far down the road – well, at least to her mother’s corner, but we’ll that go. Anyway, we used the up-front bathroom, so we could stop and harass Holly … noooo … just wanted to tell her Merry Christmas and check in on her plans. After we saw Candice coming down the hall, we figured we better settle the things in the car so Candice could fit. Rich had come out earlier and coordinated things with a couple of the guys so that the leftover food and packages and all else going home were arranged in the back of the car. I was really appreciative of that. I had added a few more things from the front seat and in shuffling things around and placing my wool coat in the back, I misplaced my keys back there for a moment.
Thing got a little mussed back there, but it seemed Holly and Candice had kept each other company and all was finally well to be headed off.
Candice and us talked about light things I think. I don’t really remember. I’m pretty sure there was nothing serious. Maybe something was said hehehe about it being FINALLY VACATION!!! She had to do a little more leading me in the closer we got to her mothers and it was still a little stiff at the end. We’re not at the point, nor she with us that we exchange hugs yet, and even thoughts of exchanging emails or phone calls seem doubtful. I think she needs a break from me, though I felt a hard time letting her go … kind of that little mothering thing I do … just wanting to make sure she is safe. I think it’s fair to say that half my worrying I do over most people – like with the gift-giving is an extension of my mothering – just like the clients taking to those kitties. Maybe I will check with her after a while to make sure she’s ok … she gave me indication to believe she might be bored and restless part way in and she talked about being down over the last several months, but we won’t go into that here. I only know the small parts she tells me.
It sounds like she has developed a deeper relationship with Theresa *Sigh* maybe I have imagination of kitties going on here, but maybe especially during the holidays that we all adopt each other to certain degrees and mother each other through the tough times and the happy times. It’s always better to be, I think, more someone’s strength – than someone’s weakness, because I believe the world has a lot of neediness.
I think in this respect, Sister Theresa knew how much I needed her and St. Rose Center this Friday. In her checking off everything and everyone to make sure that all was well, I could feel her checking me off as she made an off-comment during the time of sharing the kitties with the clients. She said, now … see … aren’t you glad you came! Hehehe oh man … she’s wise beyond her years. Over all these years of trying not to step in as my motherly figure – I think we all bend and choose the people who we wish to reciprocate. Some other-time exploration will check if that word holds true, but for the time being – I see it to mean that I count on her being her as a strong womanly figure in my life. And, the give and take aspect – is that not that she let’s me take over, but give me at least this one year opportunity to give back to her! I learned that as an essential must from my grandmother.
Wow. We are a far way away from the point of so where did things go so wrong?
Well, anyway from whichever role we played in Candice’s world of gathering more mothers than she can count hehehe … we dropped her off and headed home. We were wound into the streets of south Chicago, but found the near arteries and in not too long we found ourselves at the bank. We were very tired from the day, but had to push on as we must in our schedule of events. We had forgotten the day before to put my mother’s Christmas check in the bank and we were a couple hundred short due to the trip to the pharmacy. We’d forgotten to get out the money for medicine – which, was a big no-no … we we’re out a full 24 hours and looking forward toward settlin ourselves in for a bit with Joe’s event comin down the pike. Couldn’t be off our meds for that. Too much to bank on – excuse the pun. We had also forgotten that we wanted one of the hundred’s placed into quarters.
This morning we took a reading break and looked at what we were doing this time last year … we had I guess done the same hundred for the girls, but we’d given Ms. Ame $100 in singles. Hehehe – we’re maybe not so creative. We knew we had to go in the bank, and by the grace of God go before ye … we ran into a very, very nice bank teller who was more than a good bank steward. She caught us right as we started to settle into the ordeal of standing in line and then she allowed us to sit down 15 feet across from her in a reasonably sized chair. Then she came out from behind her window to work with me so the standing was minimal. Oh man – Merry, merry Christmas to you wonderful woman! She asked on the quarter order just to make sure, but we answered defensively it was for our granddaughter’s piggy bank. She didn’t mean to squeak that confession out of us, but we were pretty frayed and worried about walking the long distance back to the car. The bank was old and not set up well for business next to the parking lot and there had been no handicap spaces open. There was a wheel chair at the door, but it was not for heavy people. It’s pretty much a double whammy.
Anyway … this is the bad part.
God Bless us everyone … the good and bad … happy the sad … this family of friends … its’ good to be here again. Ok, but we’re into Celine right now … It umm seemed appropriate…
Well, basically, we got in our car … and I don’t know what happened to us, but we only made it 7-8 minutes from the bank. We didn’t think … we responded to something inside us. We looked for an opening and pulled our car over. As we glanced up we happened to notice that the meters were in front of open jewelers. It was one of those small places along a strip on any old series of shop buildings. It took a little longer to realize in my panic and confusion that the members of this jewelry shop had been preoccupied with my status thinking that I had been a customer.
Presumably, the male owner of the shop in a three piece suit had come to attention behind the main counter as had his female accompaniment to his left on the backside of the L-shaped counter. There was one other woman who was now poised at the cashier.
This came after I had opened the front door of my x-box on a busy street of people going home on a holiday weekend. I opened the back door and disregarded the traffic to my rear and hurriedly tried to reshuffle an impossible array of packages, coats and such that Rich had carefully arranged for me to have had gotten home safely. I was thinking of only one thing really - I wanted to get the food from the containers on the bottom of my back seat car floor to my mouth. I was driven. I felt driven.
Nothing I was doing was making sense to my mind nor to the arrangement of objects so that I could taste the food I’d been tormenting myself with over the last four or so days. The panic grew worse as I felt the familiar pang of realizing that I wouldn’t be able to stand much longer. A sense of desperation started to seep in. I hoisted my back end part to the seat. The immediacy portion over – this is about when I had realized in horror that the three people in the shop were looking and staring at me with about the same feeling of disdain as I had found in finding them looking at me.
I decided to reject any given concern I could muster for them, because the importance of eating had become so much stronger. The next obstacle was that the web had found me caught between disentangling my feet so I could shut the car door with my feet inside and interior car light off – thus the need to over-step the pan and bowls on the floor, and to be opening the pans and bowls close enough so that I could get food to face. I’d by this time discounted any concern over the condition I might find my car or coat in the mess I could create in doing these kind of connections in the dark, or that I had just shoved for my quick entry all my packages from the left side of my car to the right. I felt ashamed, but as if I knew this darker side of myself and that it were my truer nature and the other entire better managed part of myself a façade. This was the familiar part of me that becomes more animalistic given food – not too much different than a gremlin given water, but much less adorable. I think I would have fought physically a hand of help at that moment had it been given.
There are some uncomfortable mechanics of the situation that I cannot bring myself to now face. The end results were that I perched toward my right the bowl with mashed potatoes and dipped at them with my forefinger and I had found a paper cup from the previous shopping trip set of Dixie cups to scoop up meatballs and sauce.
I reached down four times sweeping up a total of 5 pieces before I could stop myself from this food orgy. I felt so demoralized. The things that come to my mind now like worth, and effort over all this last 11 days of liquid diet, and feelings of failure … it all gets mixed together in a way words aren’t spoken, but images taken on complexities of the mind adopted in memories driven hard into its corner’s edges, so that I could guess now that this is going to be a problem come years from now in trying to disentangle the emotion from its horror of self destructing upon itself.
Does any of this make sense … do others go through this am I alone on this planet, does a tree make a sound falling in an empty forest?
Damn it’s all too confusing now. I feel the need of having to break from it. I find myself still listening to the strength of Celine – that part’s safe … It’s
posted by Ann Marie @ 12/23/2007 05:34:00 AM
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