Ayn's Multiple World

Things turn into like a bad spell short of newt warts

Good morning. Well, at least good afternoon. There has been NO time to write today and it’s already about 2:15. I still won’t have much time, but I thought I’d get in a few licks.

We’ve been out with Rich. I went with him to his work (stayed in the car), and then afterward we drove with him to one of his jobs (stayed in the car) … starting to get a pattern? Hehehe It’s ok, I don’t mind staying in the car as long as he points me to something fairly interesting like people watching. That’s kind of a big deal.

And, this time too, we were adjusting in that we wore his sun glasses (on the dash) when he went in … I asked him if I could have some, but he said they were $35 to get his kind. I’m thinking no trouble then, but he’s not doing it so there must be some trouble. He got his at the fishy store, so we’re thinking either $35 is a big deal, or he’s pretty absent minded when he gets to shopping for fishy stuff. *Sigh*
We went out to eat to … just a subway, because we’re eating big for dinner. So we each had a half, raisons, and diet pop. He had to use pliers to ply me out of the car. Rich doesn’t like eating in and we weren’t in the mood for going in. Couple of things there. First was our sense of safety, because we weren’t in our environment. There were a lot of people from India, Pakistan, and then there were the Jewish people and the Russian Catholics. Yes, obviously we were in a Chicago neighborhood. I felt better after we got back in the car – plus – there was a problem because we were light-headed and confused because of diabetes control, which mean the above, which should have been ok, got a little blown out of proportion because we couldn’t get to a point of thinking things through. We were seeing the surface of things.

I remember going down Devon and heading toward Park Ridge, which Rich referenced as a place toward Chicago he might like. We’re like … if it isn’t on a lake, we don’t want to move. Well, of course, we would … seems like Rich makes all the big decisions. Of course, then we had been earlier driving down Lake Shore Drive and he pointed to the condominium he would own when he wins the 50 million dollar lottery.

He said the only problem was that he’d make me sign something like a pre-nuptial due to us being like a common law marriage after living with each other for 7 or so years. My first response was that I don’t want all your money, I just want enough to maintain my lifestyle. I think both of us feel the same in wanting to give our “extra” money to kids. I guess what I heard in that statement is that the relationship isn’t as mutual as we might like. I don’t need the money for me, but if I did put 50 of everything I do into supporting the relationship, I would like to see my kids supported too. I think it would be much easier for me to split 50 million (after living expenses) 6 ways and cover his kids too. But, I don’t think he would cover mine. And, that kind of hurt.

I don’t know it’s all a really silly conversation because neither of us have 50 million dollars. And, I don’t consider his income and ours as ever mixing. I will still put most my money into debt payment and he’ll keep doing whatever it is he does with his. That’s fair enough. It is nice though when he does something special for dinner, like tonight we’re going to eat ribs, and there’s an especially nice thing he did in that he is giving us a couple days in Michigan. Can’t say thank you enough for that. And, it was fun talking about owning or chartering yachts. It made us feel ritzy!

Before we went out, we were sort of being rushed through a schedule, well, then of course, before that we were nuzzling hehehe. He woke himself up at 7:30 am and we followed him back into his bedroom. After that we went into the kitchen to pour him some coffee and watch him make his first list of the day. He had to put down the food he figured we needed and then he made a second and third list, detailing out what we could accomplish over the next couple of days. I was a bit frustrated, because I hadn’t had a time to either write or go back to the games, especially about 9 am when we both came back to the living room. He suggested that we take a shower and then he would follow after his morning show. We were like HMPF! We’ve got a computer schedule you know! But then, we knew he wanted to go down to work and to the job site by noon, so we figured we better get going because we were looking forward to driving with him in Chicago.

After the shower, my son called and we talked for about an hour or so. He had sooo much stuff going on, especially at work, and then we’d gotten into talking about computer cards. I interrupted a couple of times telling him I had this other time commitment, and he was like … I hope more than half joking … saying that uhhuh now he knew our priorities. Yeeks … that sounds like I’m a bad mother. Sheesh! Pretty much he was just fooling around, though I got another round of him stating he wasn’t opposed to meeting Rich. We talked about it again to Rich, but it might be another year before that happens if it is ever going to happen that my boys meet him. He’s still concerned with the divorce and letting no one know who we are. He also stated that he didn’t have that kind of relationship with Bob that we would just sit around socializing. He said that Bob and him are very active and always doing something … not just sitting around. We told him that our kids were missing something to have only half of my life and we told him that with at least Bob, he was the only one who accepted the change in Rich’s lifestyle sight unseen. I don’t know … but it gave Rich a chance to vent again on his divorce procedures. He doesn’t see things as the lawyers might. Rich just wants to know what his wife wants, and then he would say what he can do. We try telling him that it isn’t just what he wants to give and that she’ll try to get out as much she can. He just wants her to say what’s her terms (through the lawyers), then there will be a counter and hopefully then a settlement. Rich seems to think there is nothing to do on his end, and that its because her lawyer isn’t talking to his lawyer. And, the only thing he got in the mail was a bill. Spending money for no service is not what Rich is about. He’s very careful and I think its irritating him a lot to go through the process. Nobody going through a divorce could possibly like the process because there is so much anger and hurt over soured relationships and then there are the lawyers trying to stretch things out to line their pocketbooks. No I don’t have any more trust in them then that. I don’t know all that isn’t being told to me, but at least I have this one version to think about. Then Rich talks about his son being frustrated too with it and then we just turn green for the involvement again of the son.

Oh there is one big change. Rich’s youngest son proposed to his girl this week on his birthday. I thought hmm, that’s a pretty good deal, but then I got in my head that his wife is going to spend a hell of a lot of money on the wedding, that is actually not hers, but money she commanders for the both of them. God forbid anyone looses communication with the youngest son, because how then would the family function. But, of course its no different in our relationship with the boys … not with my ex, but with Thom. They usually give me a five minute idea of how Thom’s moving along. I don’t know what I’d do without this much help, but maybe go bust in some doors. I really don’t like being shut-out.



This is what feeling shut-out feels like. I know, I know … can’t do anything about it … so we need to let it go. But, for the record. We don’t like it.

Then on the other foot … there is my family who we are doing a pretty good deal of shutting out. My mother called last night. She wanted to tell me that my Grandmother’s situation had gotten worse. She’s in the hospital and they performed surgery on her. They had to take out her long intestines and reconnect things. She had to be defibrillated once. All the time, my mother is talking about it as if it were an interesting cat picked up off the highway. She says that my Grandmother is doing “super” and has a very good “attitude.” This is something that she would say to anybody if talking about me, the next door neighbor, or the dog down the street.

I asked what they considered to be her chances of recovery and she said real good … as if we were talking about someone else beside a 99 year old. Woman. It’s like she’s not seeing it, or at least not talking about it, but then this would be the sum and substance of our life. Nothing real was ever really shared. And, I don’t want it to be any different. My mother repulses me, so I have no doubt in some similar vein that I repulse my son Thom. And, because I can’t get over it with my mother, then I would suppose he’s not going to get over it with me.

In the meantime … I’m having a hard time sorting out my feelings toward my grandmother … it’s been almost a year now where we couldn’t call her anymore. I think we last left off on her not thinking we were as important as her sons and even daughter. Because we have been out of her life for as long as we have … I could understand that. I also understand as to relating between my sons and my granddaughters. I have a much stronger clearer relationship with Joe and Maury than I do with Ame and Isa, and of course I have no relationship at all with Austin. I guess now I’m just angry because of thinking of family matters in general. I’m interested in my life with Rich the boys and my grandchildren more than anything else. But, because I only live with Rich, and its been such a short time, I’m not sure where things are going anymore. It seems that I live in the good graces of Rich, which puts me in a roll that “I had better appreciate him” and it seems that I must appreciate him more than myself, especially where choices and decisions lay.

Like sometimes I have a choice of what kind of cereal I eat, but then he might think she should have a change, and then suddenly by some force of nature, I’m eating another cereal I may or may not like, but the point is, that it isn’t my choice.

It’s a matter of being appreciative of Rich.

Sometimes we hang on his very word and touch so we cannot concentrate on much else plus, but then on other times, I feel … I just have to write … I need time to write, and I don’t want to be interrupted by someone telling me to take a shower or empty the dishwasher. It’s not that I shouldn’t do those things, but I need to do them on my own, because just these simple choices taken away is like a loss of freedom, that I don’t think all the parts can give up. Sometimes we get downright rebellious.

Like I know that we should leave the lemonade in the fridge, but what happens if I want to chug it at the computer table. Or, what happens when Rich comes home and sees it out of place. Should I get scolded and reprimanded? Isn’t there some point where he should look at me and just realize I’m a breed of something different who needs to be respected too?

I don’t know … I think were back to I’m the most scolded person you’ve ever seen.

But, then here I sit hoping that Sweetie Pie gets home soon. Just I would also hope that I could continue writing even if he were in the house and I should be emptying the dishwasher. I see the dirty dishes stacking up … shoot … what’s my responsibility here? I’m trying to tell myself guilty-like to just take the 5 minutes, but if we give into these 5 minutes, there will be more and more. It’s like a form of manipulation. I look in the fridge and say no fruit, apples, or frozen dinners. He thinks she’s now commanding my day in that I will have to shop for her. I’m the manipulative one. But, then I think, getting told when to take a shower at 48 years of age is HIM being manipulative. I don’t know … maybe I’m just avoiding the conversation about my grandmother. I don’t have a sense that I will ever talk to her again. I think she has more other people around her that will be doting, and that I am more work than worth. I asked Rich about going to MN if she dies. He put it on me, as it should be, but I had to then put it off as to again waiting until it happens. Last sense there was our trying to reason it outloud, and we heard ourselves saying, “I don’t like my mother, I can tolerate my step-father, I don’t like my uncles, aunts, cousins, sister or brother. So why in the hell would I go up there??? It’s not as if my grandmother is going to be around to care.” There is NOONE in MN that I would want to see or talk to. It’s about the most idiotic family I could ever imagine. And, then you add grievance appearances. I wouldn’t know if they felt teary or not, but I don’t want anything to do with the recovery of themselves given over to their emotions.

Hmm, why doesn’t my son like me? Jeese … go figure … I don’t even like myself, why would my son like me. I’m terribly intolerant of others. I don’t get outwardly as frustrated and dramatic as Thom, but we’re probably of the same fabric. There’s just a lot of anger and without some management, who knows the explosions internal or external would be caused. Realistically, I think … is going to a funeral worthy of possible hospital time, because we know our emotions are going to run wild. Most likely not … I would so much rather develop another thread of relationship with Rich and the boys learning to play cards together, and I guess this is what we’re going to work on next. Rich has come home and is doing it all on his own. I guess I should empty the dishwasher.

posted by Ann Marie @ 9/03/2007 09:04:00 AM Comments: 2