Saturdays are heavenly
Hmm, I guess this is good morning then?
For the record that yawn was followed up by another. And, there might be more.
Who’s to tell where it could end up. We are broadcasting here from Aynetal3 on a beautiful Saturday at 5:30 am on your special dial. Heheh Ok, so there is a little corny first thing today … rules are you still have to love me. :)
We’re at those first wake-up moments yet where we’re sipping on the first sips of coffee. Sweetie Pie is tucked into his bed and all is then right with the world. I think we last left you off at the fruit store and then we talked to Deb, and then Sweetie Pie came home. That’s a great one-two knock-out punch. When Sweetie Pie came home he brought some groceries. He had the fixings for shrimp, crackers, cheese, strawberries, and chocolate pudding, yes diet! He had to go move his car and while he was doing that, we did a few things in arranging, but we weren’t finished by the time he had gotten home. I still had to make slushies and put a few things on the table, but we’d cut the cheese, poured the pudding and that kind of stuff. I had to sit down cuz of the back, but he took over his spot and helped me by pouring the drinks and setting the table.
This is our favorite meal to be eating at the round coffee table in the living room. Part of the time I sat on the couch, but other part I sat on the floor. The spread was sumptuous! AND, my company divine! I said something early about this is what it was all about in that here we were dining together and enjoying each other’s company and there was candlelight and even soft music in the background and the entire tone of everything was splendiferous! Like we were meant to be together at that very moment.
This is not to say that it was an entirely easy conversation that took place, but it was honest and great in that Sweetie and I were talking about commitment. I think it started really from Sweetie talking about what I think essentially boils down to his freedom. But, in large part, I don’t think he wanted me to have so many moods when and if he called to say he had switched plans and was going out with so and so, or even if he had to call in and convey he was going somewhere else than being with us … in a sense did he have to call and ask permission to be doing whatever he felt like at the moment. I think his conversation made a lot of sense and was part of the beginning in negotiating space and boundaries between us. I think he wants to be sharing space with us, but then on the other hand he wants to create his own space. The best of the plans was in telling him he could consider this place maybe Michigan East – or to the effect that he always had handy a cottage that would have a bed waiting for him, but if he wanted to do other things feel free. This meant getting out with the guys, or maybe even spending a couple quiet days at a bed and breakfast or guest suite. I told him that I could see him getting an apartment for himself here in this building or in another and as he would make these changes, I would try to adapt myself. I think there was a small line drawn in my sense of good will in that if we had made plans that he should call ahead and cancel them. We also had to talk about emotions. I told him that as much as I could try to remain open about him needing to make spontaneous plans, I might feel disappointment or frustration, or something else. I said that was human, but the key part was that he shouldn’t change all his plans to accommodate my moods. Basically, he didn’t have to do all the fixing and that I could be responsible for doing my own fixing. Not that I wouldn’t have the emotions, but I’d deal with them. This still isn’t coming out the way I am meaning it, but there is more to figure out yet. One aspect is wanting to be here when he wants to be here and there is another in wanting to have other things to be doing when he’s not here. We will need to get a handle on the school situation as to its time requirements, but its more than that. I know I have to balance yet that sense of neediness I have for him. If I’m in a fairly good mood, its like fine no problem, I got school to be doing anyway, but if I’m being sad or lonely, there might be more tendency for us to yearn for him and not be as accepting if he is gone.
Perhaps here a paradigm shift is necessary. I don’t want to go back to the thought that we are just buddies and roommates, but there has to be a recognition too that we are lovers. I know there is a traditional male/female horror in commitments, but a balance will need to be made so I also don’t feel I’m being taken advantage of.
Whether or not he’s the only one who can really get up and leave and be active is only one part of it. I think he doesn’t realize it, but there is a little part that must be satisfied that “the little woman” is at home waiting to satisfy his pleasures hehehe. There’s a strong part of us that says she wants to make sure he’s happy whether it means being here or being out, but then what keeps that part from feeling abused. I know easily that the majority of these thoughts are based around Ann. She was the one married and having given it her all back whenever. How do we as a system keep her safe, while allowing her those motherly feelings of babying her love.
I’m not sure, but right now, we’re recognizing that our mind needs a mental break from all of this. I think we’re going to have some cereal. Can I say one thing?
Sometimes, we take a picture of ourselves that is especially captivating for one reason or another. There was one taken yesterday about 9 am and we’re dressed in purple already and I think just the light behind us makes our whole face glow and match the purple hues … maybe because we are half in white and half in black (Chief was standing in front of us), but anyway just wanted to say I really liked that color set in the picture. Ok, OK … I know just like narcissist looking in the mirror. We’ll have to have a talk about that one day too!
Ahh … that was nice … we had to go with the bigger bowl (same amount of cereal) to match up with the need to start the dishwasher. Hmm, Missy liked it too … She had a little milk and then later stretched out on the table with me and we both kind of snoozed while my fingers continued to stroke. She’s such a spoiled kitty. I hope that does her for awhile. You know nothing has been said there this week, but I did want to say how well the kitties are getting along with our guest. It’s not like he’s sat down to pet them yet, but they are getting along. When one of Missy’s schedules are put askew there is a little meowing problem. And, once Chief got into Rich’s bedroom and just sat there and laughed at him when he came in, but Rich said, noooo, nooo you don’t … go on! Chief took it in good humor, but I don’t always think its going to be that easy. Sometimes the kitties can get very stubborn.
Chief has no problem sharing me though. He has a lot easier time letting me pet Rich if he can snuggle against my legs. Eh, it’s a cat eat cat world.
I’m thinking that Rich is going to want to be up pretty soon. I hope the dishwasher doesn’t interfere with his shower. I hoped to get the wash cycle through before he got up. We’ll see … I’m not sure if or how that all connects.
Hmm, kind of in an inbetween stage now. I want to get on with my day, but I want to make sure Rich gets off into his day. I know, I know he doesn’t really need help.
There was something in the conversation last night in that I’d made a point that Rich would be working out some of his issues from the marriage in our relationship, and so being that it was to be expected that we be on the look-out for it so as not to get run over. The same I figured as with Bob. Twice now Rich has alluded to something that happened in Bob’s relationship and Rich not wanting it to happen in ours. I had a sense of ok, how come I have to fix the problems of Bob? But, life is funny like that … in someways Bob too has got hit blindside with this news of the week. He had thought certain things of Rich and now he appears to have taken a big brother role in showing Rich the pitfalls, but I know it is Bob saying … aha … there is a new means of working out MY problems. I don’t think anybody means to say this, but it is what happens.
Whoops this is what happens when one wakes up and then crawls back to bed with Mr. Smoochie face. Hehehe He’s in the shower now. That was very very very nice. I had thought he was getting up at 7 so I thought 15 minutes, but then he said he could sleep longer so we fell asleep with him for about an hour, then got up enough to do some good old fashion massaging. He’s very touchable in the morning. I like how he kind of drifts in and out of consciousness. Oh man … he’s so cool! Whoops out of the shower now … I think he has some coffee drinking and phone calls to be made. He might need the computer too. I’m having a little problem with my hands being sore. I hope that I don’t have to wear the braces today. Yeeks … don’t want that. Probably when he leaves I will take our shower. Ahh, we just heard him sigh … he’s so wonderful. Damn I’m going to have to stop that. AHA! He’s shaving I think. Woo Hoo heads will turn. He does some coughing in the morning yet … I don’t think he’s over his cold completely. Hehehe now he’s doing the tooth brush thing.
I forgot to ask him if he’s going by the two minute timer. Think he’s crossed one minute, well maybe two, maybe one and a half. We’ll have to see. He’s a good tooth brusherer. Let’s see what’s next. I think he’s brushing his hair in the bedroom.
We’ll have to ask him how he sees with that foggy mirror. Hmm, I think he’s working on making the shower drain better …
Hmm, what’s he doing now? Hard to tell. Men. They can be so sneaky … woo hooo naked man crossing, naked man crossing. Shoot, doesn’t need his back rubbed … I think he’s going to get seriously dressed. Shoot, I hate when that happens! He says I’m supposed to keep working, but I’m pretty sure he knows that we work on our blog first thing.
We do have to get showered soon to go to the bank and authorize my credit card. We tried last night over the phone, but I messed up. I really need the card to order an on-line book from school. The new course starts this week and that’s going to cost me $66. I know so far we have a new woman teacher, but that’s about it. I didn’t read the profiles of the students, there are always more women than men though. I have to be very serious about writing the paper. Cool his game is canceled … that means he will pick up his son from the train station sometime late this morning. I think. I know he has to meet a business partner and go over to his old place to pick up some stuff. FISHING GEAR!!! Then maybe he might go out again, or maybe he might do stuff with the fishing gear. He wasn’t sure where he’d work on it, but I know its not going to be at the library Hehehe.
He said something funny from his older son yesterday in that the son is going to give him the 3rd degree. He says he’s going to question him and get to the bottom of this affair thing for the entire trip back. I’m pretty sure there’s going to be quite a bit said with his wife’s family gathering for Easter, but Rich hasn’t mentioned it yet. I don’t think he’s had all those thoughts, but in a divorce, you lose more than a wife, you lose that whole family structure of people you’ve been sharing the holidays with for years. Rich says he’s not big into the holidays, but I think its been a time where his kids have been here and given him a sense of completeness.
Hmm, ok, we’re going to give him some quiet time he’s in the back writing notes and talking on the phone, I think. It seems a process for him to start the day and its built on making connections to people on the outside. We’re not like that at all.
But, I wouldn’t give up our practices. Our practice is to be connecting to people on the inside. It’s like ok … let’s think about this … what does anyone or everyone have to say on that. The more people add to a conversation, “well, it could be,” or “well another part…” To us that is parts of the multiplicity making contributions to general thought. Everyone has at least that chance to chime in.
Soo, that being said, we ask who wishes to speak, or entertain which item on the floor?
I think we’re being pretty much into Rich … like its probably not necessary to diagram his movements in the washroom. But, maybe just the first couple times, OK?
Oh man, I can see we’re not getting very far with that conversation. Just that we can’t lose focus on our thoughts that are separate from him. I know he does seem more interesting. We’ve long been fascinated with our boy toy. He would say you only like me for my good looks and sex appeal, to which the standard stock response is no, we love your intelligence too. Hehehe Ok, well maybe not novel, but we have to remind him anyway.
I can hardly wait though until he brings the lures home. If he can keep it to the table and not the floor, I really hope that he does it in the living room. He can than watch TV and I can sneak peeks while I’m computering. I would really like to get into some good school habits. It will be different doing an ebook rather than a text book. I could probably get by with the old book, but after reading it a couple times, I need something new … maybe a new edition isn’t a big deal, but they have it set up where you can highlight the book and do copy pasting too. I’m going to like that a lot. It be nice to have the chair better set up, but its ok, our spines pretty much adapted.
Hmm, tried not to listen, cuz sweeties still on the phone, tried harder not to be noisy when I made the coffee. We’re definitely a two-pot co-mating house now.
Maybe a few more minutes and then into the shower? Seems like a practical idea.
Just not the top-line favored one. Hmm, anyway we could get him to budge on that issue of eating cake not til the morning? Probably not … he’s kinda firm on those kinds of issues. Drat. Hmm, there is shrimp in there too! AHA! Might have to do a little of that … HEY! There’s that cole slaw too. Couldn’t stop me from having a little of that right now. Could he? Hold on going in for the sneak.
Pshwoo. It’s me again, but now it is 1:15 pm. Rich has just left and we’ve finished up playing with the new buttons over at the Adobe site where my new text book is. I’m like soo spaced out.
Oh man that is a spaced out picture isn’t it. Maybe we’re running a little overwhelmed at this moment though we’ve been trying to hold it together. I am sooooooo grateful that I’m in a relationship with someone who likes to talk, but I guess we have to balance that with the needs for some of not to doing that all the time. It’s hard to write when there is talking happening not only in my head but elsewhere. We need to learn balance over our time. Everything is different than it had ever been. I’ve never had this kind of a relationship before, where someone is interested in his family and friends and is active in the community. It is the kind of Saturday thinking and planning the day and time out that I’ve never had, but have seen. So, obviously we’re in a different state and need to understand the complexities of this new world. I’m so interested in the things that he is saying, but at the same time I have to realize that time listening is time not activated in thinking processes. My mind simply follows along, while asking questions of course, but trying to understand what the other’s experience is as he is conveying at that very moment, and which could change 3 minutes from that marked time. The mind is sooooo incredible, but sometimes I’m taken back in my realization that I too am a part of the other’s world. There is part that is very solid and concrete, and then there is a part that’s full of change and mystery. During this last conversation, he talked about an idea for the future. He’s thinking through many ideas of the future. This particular one was an option for him to buy a 3 flat and each of us take a unit. That is a very exciting idea, but at the same time it would shatter my concept of staying put. I like the place I’m at. He assisted in one way saying that if he could pull together the money to buy a place he would assure that someone else would be doing the moving. I would have to have someone doing the packing as well as I look around and think oh my God please don’t make me move these books again. But, I know down the line he will get to the point of saying we could get rid of them, to which I would phase out in agony and defeat. NOOOOOOO … can’t get rid of the books.
Man … it would have to be a pretty sweet deal, but on the other side of possible confusion and astonishment is the concept that all of a sudden someone considered a plan for me that might work toward what would become someday my retirement. I will want to back away from “going to work” and instead work my mind in the formation of books. My whole life seems to exist for no other reason than reading and writing.
This is as far as “what I do.” The other what I do is making a commitment toward something that is so new and different and in motion. I want to make that certain somebody happy. Because that makes me feel good. I remember a time long ago where Rich talked more freely of ideas with a sense of a hopeful dreamer capable of creating any environmental change he might consider. This Rich, this Rich is back!
It is going to be up to me to now plan out my end of things so thatI don’t disappoint him or cause him to worry. It means that I need to be learning and developing my mind – because it is that educated mind that will feed his and his back to us. I feel at this time that he can be as free as a bird untethered and I will ride the sail. I’m excited when he talks of his meetings with people. That’s what he does best. I feel excitement that would be the librarian as he returns the book and reviews it positively to her, or to the secretary who accepts his birthday wishes in the form of flowers. Just to be that other sitting in the car on the way home from the train, or his friends, or his mother, or anyone he contacts. All those people fit into what is the drama of his life, and he’s sharing with us a balcony like no other. And, I’m satisfied, because he leaves me space to read and write and I could ask for no more.
Man, I must be the luckiest person in the world. The wind is knocked right out of me. In all my wildest imagination I couldn’t imagine being any higher in exaltation. Damn crying. I’ve scared away the kitty. It’s just that the feelings are just whelming the inside of me.
Maybe if I focused. I’ve done this all week. I think if only I could clear my mind. What all is there that is happening. Rich has finally left his wife. Ok, there is a thought. The newest phase is that Rich’s wife is going to hire an attorney on Monday. Ok, there is another point. It’s like paultry stuff although its one of the most impactful things that could ever happen. Rich made a point this morning in saying that his friends are all basically saying the same thing that she’s going to take everything, and so it seems he’s resolved to say, ok take and be gone. There’s no more thought as ok, maybe I might have to go back and save her … that was one of his thoughts for yesterday. Today is like talk to the accountant, see where he is at, take care of the banking, prepare for bill paying, see the kids, talk to a business partner, go out and play fricken Saturday night poker. I mean I know he’s been devastated during the week, but at this point … I think he’s having almost what I would like to be thinking is the time of his life. So, much pressure has been released from him … I think now its still hard for him to figure out if this is what he wants compared to is this what she wants or the kids want, etc. He seems to hold on to their working toward the divorce as a sign that must be the right thing to do. I still go with the thought that he is in a partial state of shock.
Rich was talking today more clearly on what he wants from his house in that the son alluded to a point, where the wife might want to sell the big house and buy a smaller one story version. Rich was like hell give her the profit, give her my profit, but let me start planning my life. He said something about not having ever been alone and what that might feel like, but I’m thinking that when he most likely gets into his familiar car and starts driving that that feeling of being by himself is stronger than a more fearful, being by himself. I think too that he knows I am right around the corner from most places he finds himself. I still think and he checked me on this point that I am basically a cripple in that I can’t be with him as he flies from one end of his world to another. I seem to be the one who takes up his story upon return as a Viking whose plundered another country, another city.
Rich has become that playboy spirit that goes out to visit the town’s private chambers. He’s left himself connections and has happily picked up those additional ones of Bob. I think Bob in many ways is a Godsend to Rich because he is stable in Rich’s life. Rich is very conscious of not wanting to make Bob mad, but at the same time he knows he can push his friend a little and the friend won’t give him up.
I called Rich though on that point, about worrying all the time about who has made him so conscious always of not wanting to hurt the other. Last night he was worried about hurting our feelings if he planned suddenly to be out. I think we talked about that. But, there is a connection very strong of Rich feeling a sense of value perhaps that he is worth to others, because he can take care of them. One of his thoughts this week was that he could no longer take care of his wife. There is some rebuttal yet this morning in that Chris is showing signs that he does not want to get stuck with her either. Maybe the lady will have to straighten herself? I asked about her wanting a smaller house, and though I can appreciate her concern of taking a more handy environment, I hope she doesn’t create a circumstance where Rich will have to come back and take care of it for her. But, then along that same line if he did, what matter? Hehehe its just more time that he is out and time for me to write.
Wow … so much in my head needs to go down, but other tasks too. Aha … Deb’s at the door hold on. She’s got a lot going on today … she’s somewhere between hanging decorations for her church that her Sunday school kids made, coloring eggs, and preparing for tomorrows dinner with extended family. Okie dokie … Pat’s settled in … why don’t we get from point A to point B. Need to finish paper … why don’t we at least take it out and look at it.
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/08/2007 06:17:00 AM
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