One of the Happiest Days of My Life ... Waking Up with Sweetie Pie
Good morning. This is me … This is the next day. We are going to keep writing, because the blog is now private and I don’t have to worry any longer about who might read it. Part of me is still a writer and will always be so.
I think if I were to publish one day … it be after my sweetie were gone … most people I would think … but, since I’m not planning on that happening anytime soon, we are going to go into a long courtship now of writing, but more safely protected.
I’d like this though to continue being a blog about us rather than about the other relationship between my sweetie and his wife. I am going to though try to follow same general good rules of not writing about his other relationship. I feel myself slide into it and then I have to think no gotto back out. It is very rare that I ever have a thought that I would erase later. Pretty much if I can think it, I will and whoever writes that set of thoughts is still me. We’re going to try having as normal a relationship through this as we can. I think though that everyone is in shock and its going to take years and possibly a lifetime to get over.
Yesterday I talked or IM’d with just my few people contacts. We talked to my son,
Dr. M., and Deb. Each was very supportive … I think there is this part of each that says, well you know this might have happened and I say I know. And, it did. My sweetie had tears in his eyes most of the time last night. He’s aching … I think its going to hurt him a lot and we’re going to try steeling ourselves for him. He as well talked to a few people. I think he found similar types of support. It’s a big difference for most.
I had new thoughts I’d never had before. One of the most pronounced was the worry of him not being here yet. I wanted him to be safe. I think she has access to my address in that it is on-line. I have to expect that one day I’m going to be confronted at my car and be able to think clearly enough that I can get away. This morning I thought that if it came to that, I would get a restraining order. But, for a while, while there is shock … I don’t know. Hmm, my mind stopped working again. Let’s start again.
Ok, can I say for the record that I have appreciated very much that my sweetie was in my bedroom snoring? We’ve fighted the urge to not go in and cuddle him to pieces. I know that he is going to need some sleep. He said that he would not set the alarm and sleep in as he may. One of the advantages he’s stated of being here is that he saves a couple hours of transportation time. We think good for him. I should probably plan on taking a shower at 6 am. It’s now about quarter to 5 and I’ve been up since 3 am. Oh man … we were up and like there was no way we were going back to bed. Well, there was this one brief incident of laying down. Chief had liked this new game he discovered yesterday, so he tried it again today. You know the one where he leads us to the back bedroom so that he can be petted.
I think if we shower at 6 am then we can curl up with our friend before going to work. And, then he’ll have the place on his own to do what he wishes. There is a little uncertainty about what is on the computer, but I am going to need saying that he can read anything, but it has to be ok for us to think and write what we may. I don’t think we say much to be hurtful. But, sometimes I have to think and work through my positions. Basically, what is it that I’m going to need doing, or consolidate, or whatever. I always want there to be this honesty between us as there is now so that he can trust me to be me and him, him.
We are also going to need working through who is on the computer. There were a few moments yesterday when I practiced sitting on the chair while he was taking care of his business. I felt pretty much lost in that I didn’t know what else to be doing with myself. I didn’t have anything tangible that I could be doing. My thoughts as to this now are that I should probably get my book from downstairs, this way he can have time at the computer too.
We’re not at this point sure if he’ll be able to stay. I want to shout as if I’d just found a lost puppy that he’s mine and I want to keep him, but knowing all the while I have to put that ad in the paper saying lost and found. I talked to him last night about him needing to work on feeling free and that I would have to work on not containing him in the relationship. This included not worrying so much when he is getting home, if he’s ate, if he’s safe. This is new territory, or perhaps just very old territory revisited. But, I think for myself, it is going to need being important that I continue to be free as well. He knows I don’t stray out too many nights, but I will need the independence so that I can continue doing what I do, including getting up early during the morning to be doing my writing.
His friend made sure to offer him a place to stay also. I really don’t want him to stay anywhere else, but I’m afraid that after he gets a lawyer the lawyer might say it would help his case to be away from me. Or, maybe even that my friend might want to be with his friend more. Though I don’t think this would be the case. I think his friend felt protective over him like we did. Again, we’ll have to keep sorting it out between protective and possessive. This is everything that I had ever read in Dr. Etten’s classes on Man and the Problem of Meaning and the Human Structure of Love. It was back 30 years ago, but I know it still takes time to build relationships and now we are in a different kind of relationship than we had been before.
Shoot … it makes me giddy. Chief and us just stood out of his door for a few moments to listen to his breathing. Chief wanted me to come pet him again, but he’s going to have to learn his new roles too. Ahh again he tried to lure me back when I went for more coffee. I think if Rich had woken up since I’d been up, he would have used the washroom, so I’d like to think that he is getting a sound night’s sleep.
It’s always different when you wake up in a new bed. We teased that that bed probably has long since worn in his groove. Thousands of things make me curious as to which side of the bed he would lay on. He says he takes the edges because he sleeps on his side and rolls to one end or another. Those kind of thoughts just make me ooh and ahh.
I don’t know if I should feel guilty for this much happiness especially when I know that he is feeling so bad. I didn’t want to push it, but even in consideration of the day we made love last night. I teased I didn’t want to catch him on the rebound. Oh man I love that guy to pieces!
We had a discussion in that we cleared between us that he can be out as often as he wanted and for as long as he wanted. It has to be that way. I think Bob had said something about me wanting to get married, because I know that’s what happened between him and his friend. I’m really, really happy about being single. I would have never thought of it before because I thought marriage was so necessary. I think the changes started happening really when I started writing. I know before I was depended on the thoughts that he had to read my things or I would cease to breath, but its not that way now and it hasn’t been for a long time. He has told me that periodically, he will read something I wrote, but I don’t think he does it often, unless its something I send to him by email.
Hehehe he says he’s gruff and crabby in the morning. I’ve yet to see that, but I will stay out of his way if necessary. My poor baby … he doesn’t have to be crabby No one here wants him to be unhappy, even Chief. Though Chief is sure now again that he needs to be petted. He’s again joined me sitting in front of the computer.
I think he’s listening for our friend. It’s going to take me, Missy, and Chief to all take care of our friend.
*sigh* it seems like its going to be such a nice morning. This morning earlier I had read my stuff from the day before. Especially, the part of having had the dream, where the wife gives over her husband to me, because she is dying. I’m afraid of that … that she could do something to hurt herself. I don’t think our baby is resilient to feeling responsible for her. He’s not responsible. She made herself the way she is, but still I don’t want anything bad to happen, not only because our friend would feel guilt, but because she would miss so much of being alive. I think not only will Rich eventually feel more alive, but she will as well. Rich said something last night about her getting remarried in 6 months time and that would be ok. I don’t think he has reason to believe there is anyone else, but that it would be ok.
These thoughts make me that much prouder to know him in that he doesn’t want to hurt her. That had been a hard part in our divorce is that I believe he was trying to hurt us. I couldn’t understand that. I could understand him wanting to be with someone else, but I didn’t know why he had to hurt me and couldn’t just leave. But, then too I had thoughts where I had a hard time believing that he still didn’t love me somewhere on him. I asked Maury last night if his father knew about the relationship I have with Rich. He said probably, but not many details. I thought to myself … my own kids don’t have that many details. But, more because I thought they’d not be interested more than anything else. The only way my ex would know is that my kids had told him. I’ve long since known that I couldn’t protect myself against what my kids might tell him. I could state my preferences, but their life was there’s and if I shared myself with them, then that part of me was theirs to make next choices. I think this is going to be a hard realization for Rich. His family won’t keep from her many of his secrets, I’m afraid. They are going to want to be helpful to the mother and they are going to be curious. I can’t hold this against them.
I was real proud of Maury yesterday. He said that he would be here for us if we needed him and he said that Rich has been nothing but there for us and that he has a certain high level of respect for him and wouldn’t down him. I think Maury would also like to see us married, but we’ll have more talks about that. I think married people always think that’s the best option, but it doesn’t have to be. Maury said that we’ve made a decision and that there will be many more. He seems so old and mature, and I had the feeling that Rich’s kids were no different. I think Maury worried a little if he could call when Rich was home, but I said that would be no problem. I know Rich will keep his number and we will keep ours. At this time, I’m glad it’s unlisted.
Last night our mother had called to say that her husband’s daughter had died. It was an expected death, but still startling. She didn’t say much on the phone, and I had the idea she was just going down numbers and calling. The thing was I didn’t recognize her number, so I didn’t pick it up. Maybe even if I did recognize it … I wouldn’t pick it up. I would think one day she’s going to call me and tell me my grandmother is dead and I know I will want to deal with that privately and not over the phone with her. I know like with John’s daughter, that I will need to place a call back. I’ll wait until later in the day. I think she is in Rochester now and will have to drive back to her home in Northern MN.
I may have met his daughter once or twice, but I don’t recall now, though she may have been at the house … just not sure. I do know I’ve met his two boys. I was always very firm in not wanting a relationship to them. I think they learned to get along with my mother, though they were protective over their parents. Just like all the kids now would be. No one is to fault there. As distant as I am from my mother, I wouldn’t want people to mistreat her.
Yesterday, Maury went through for us the internet searches to protect us. He came up to the You Tube account. I’d forgotten that one. I said, should I erase them.
He said no. That they were harmless. I’m not sure if I’m going to want to put new one’s under that screen name, but there is this part of me who thinks if there were three videos, these would be ok for her or the children to see … and that it might humanize us more. Rich’s younger son, might feel some curiosity to having one of my kids be in a boxing ring like him. The next one is of Dr. Marvin’s office. I know that she knows we’re a multiple and that will probably serve to confuse her and disarm her like her knowing that I’m so heavy. She’ll think she the stronger, and if she wants that elusion, it would seem safer for me for her to have it.
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/03/2007 06:43:00 AM
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