Just a mid-day break
Dear Dr. Marvin,It’s just me. I figured that we did very well this morning and we deserve to write you. I’ve been writing in the journal or sending these emails that I write to you to the journal. I’ll try to get us back where we’re not sending everything to you, but for now we are sending you some of it. I’m sorry.
It is now 11 am. We got to work and sat down for about 10 minutes, and then Brandy came in and that Sister had forgotten, but Brandy had to take Ronald to get his monthly CTA passes and then she had to go help Sr. with some cake things. That one staff who had caused so much problems dividing Spanish-speaking people from people who don’t speak Spanish was let go. Imelda or Margarita, if not Brandy would take group 2, but Imelda doesn’t work on Wednesdays and Margarita is in Guatemala. She takes 3 weeks off in a row. Sooooooo long story … long. I had to take Group 2 for the morning. The VERY best part of it was that Sister had taken Brandy to get Easter surprises for the staff. She got Cake Easter lambs. It is VERY cool. I saw the box on Rich’s desk when I came in and he was just leaving. First, he had to calm us down upon seeing a cake, and then he made sure I made it to my office and he was trying to work very carefully with excited younger parts about seeing the cake. He explained patiently that he and us would eat our cake one small piece at a time, and that he was going to bring his cake to the card game with his buddies tonight. We both have been working very hard on a diet and so we were struggling to take hold of our more reasonable selves. One part though took a tiny part of the lamb’s ear … she is going to explain to him that she didn’t “hear.” Ok, we all gotta stop giggling. A LITTLE Tom Foolery is ok.
Today is the next day of my extremely nice life altering experience. I couldn’t believe happy could be this nice. There are parts though too that is very hard. I explained in our other writing effort this morning before work that Rich will stop once or twice every hour or two to wipe away tears and blow his nose. As often as there are not people and we’re not at work, we will stop whatever we’re doing to give him plenty of hugs. There was one time yesterday for the first time he cried very deeply where we hugged him for about eight or nine minutes. He was proud of himself because the second or third time now that he’s talked to his daughter, he didn’t cry. Last night we were helping him put away some things. Not deeply into drawers yet, but where he could at least see the bed. Again, he cried. But, I don’t want to make it seem that its all bad for him because other times he is working hard to be doing his regular functioning. I think it is very important for him to be doing things, but we know he has to slow down and just process some of this hard stuff too.
Yesterday, he was about to leave to his old house and we were asking him about where his game was going to be and when he’d returned. He started to cry because he said that he’d jot down notes to his wife and son when he was living there and going to be out and she used to angrily say, “What do I care.” I think she did a lot of stuff to hurt him. I was afraid of smothering him, but there was a time after that one long cry that he sat down on the edge of the couch with his computer in front of him to do some work. I was going to give him a kiss before I returned to the big computer. But, somehow instead we easily took the position of curling around the back of him, which is something that usually happens when he leaves. That way when he is gathering himself we can be rubbing his back at the same time. Yesterday, he seemed to soak it up so well, that I was hesitant to stop, but I was thinking we need to develop patterns him and us. When I pulled back then he complains softly that I was stopping already, so I giggled and used the hand that wasn’t sleeping to continue the rub from a sitting position. Our new attitude is that if it interests him, it interests us. I don’t think he’s ever had that. I just want to smush him and hug him forever. I think after we both settle down some, I’ll return to more of what I usually do, but I have to admit that compared to being with Rich talk with Deb, takes a second seat. The other thing is that I usually read the news on-line so eventually we’ll go back to that, or better yet doing assignments during the week, but for now we’re just going to get through this the other way were there are abundant hugs being shared.
I think he’s holding 34 years of struggle. When he was crying once, he said that she used him to spend her anger on. I just have no sense of depth in the abusing of him that happened. I think he wants me to stay up a little longer so we’re looking at 8:30-9, instead of 8:00-8:30 pm. He stays up to 10. I want to give him some time though to be comfortable in the house where I am near, but not interfering with his thoughts. I told him last night that it was ok for him to watch the TV. He’s been conscious for a long time that my better habit of not watching it is the way to go, but we also know its how he dissociates from things that are too hard or come too often at him. We “let” heheh him tuck us in … Oh man you can see we’re suffering there, right? Since the beginning of time, we’ve enjoyed that part when he pulls up the covers and hands us our dog. Now there is another part where he hands us our face shield from the C-pap machine. That’s going very well. It didn’t take long before we fell asleep. He said he got a good night’s sleep. We still woke up the couple hours earlier that we needed to write.
Rich, woke up by himself today about 6 am. He said it was the sound of the pounding I was giving the keyboard. For a second I was in duress thinking I’d spoiled his sleep and then I realized he was just playing with me. His and our humor plus hugs I believe will get us through it. Once when he was crying he said that his wife only works part time now she sleeps into 10 or 10:30 does a little work, but she says its too stressful, but then she’s up and on the computer until 2 in the morning. I just didn’t know. I’m fearful that we might seem the same as her, but Rich knows our computer habits. I also know that he had thought and probably will he’s going to break us from some of that. I think we’ll always, with the exception of our writing have real live people in front of us as a priority. But, since I only have one other friend at the time beside Rich we will learn to integrate some time together.
One of the things he did last night was to look through his games. He said that he wants to do more, I think up to six a week, because that will give him something to do. He wants to do something more worthwhile than the TV. I’m hoping that he will get back to his reading. He’s always considered the nearby library as having his private stack. I hope too that we’ll end up talking more about what I’m learning in school, because that will help motivate me. I don’t know, there is just so much new happening. I just can’t quite get the grasp of it. We’ll know more as time goes on. He has been throwing out various options as to what he’s going to do with his wife financially. I think his last idea was to sell the house to his youngest son (22) and then he and his girl – soon to be more can live in it with his wife. That would be a condition – that he always give her a home. He said he’d sell it for $1 and make payments on it – there is 9 years of mortgage, but in turn the son has to pay each of his two siblings $4-500 a month. There will be other ideas, but the main part is that he wants to cover it so his wife can stay in the home. I think she’s going to need working though, he can’t continue paying for her just to sit at home. I don’t know. He’s staying in close touch with the kids, and I think together, maybe plus a lawyer they will figure it out. I voiced only one concern, is that he save enough for himself to keep up his interests and enough so if he wants to leave our place that he won’t feel stuck in staying there. But, otherwise the only money thing between us is that he help with my food and I’ll continue paying the rest. That seems like a deal to me. Plus I still owe him the $2000 or so, which I’ll pay hopefully by the end of this month.
Pshwoo that’s a lot … better get going .. I need to cover the client lunch.
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/04/2007 12:57:00 PM
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