WooHooo Sweetie's up!
Good Morning … it’s just me. Ok … good … took care of a few things. Mostly the regular, plus I paid some on-line bills … two important ones rent and car. I like to think that covers me for a week or two. God willing there is money in the account YAYYYY!!!So. What else? Not sure! This is day number three of the new deal. I’m sooooo happy sweetie pie is tucked into bed. Yesterday was the most glorious thing in that he was there on the other side of my huggin after the shower. I know he’s always said he’s cranky in the morning, but maybe people just need to be getting up where they are loved to pieces. Well, that and a couple good massage strokes hehehe. I don’t know where we would be now if it weren’t for the massaging … it’s such an integrated part of Rich and my life. Lord, I sure do hope he never tires of them, but that seems to be the direction things are going. He’s sure never complained ;)
Nothing happened in my life that is more exciting that sweetie pie yesterday. There wasn’t bad things … just he was my focus. I did for the record go to work. We worked as we have already written … I was happy that all the notes for the survey book section C Information Management were entered. I expect that Sr. will get back to me soon on the other things. I don’t think she had really looked into the material that I’d given on Friday. She thought the material was the same as I had given before. She asked for another day or two to look it over. So, of course that was fine by me, but postponed instead of surpassed, so that makes things still somewhat tense. Hopefully, we’ll be fine, but I’m not counting on it.
For the most part Rich was at work yesterday so that made things very, very nice.
He had to go home for a few things at one point and took the time to bring them up at the house. I think he also did some grocery shopping … woo HOOO!!! I discovered I can still eat apples, but he is recommending that we cut them up, which seems reasonable and it slows down my eating process so I was happy that all turned out.
Last night he cooked some pork shoulder, I think he called it, and we had some wonderful vegetables and potatoes and slushies. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. He’s an absolutely wonderful cook. We talked and decided that we were going to do dishes in the dishwasher every 2-3 days to keep up with things. I think its because I only have 3 days of slushy cups. Small maintenance task that’s all.
I’m not sure if he’d going to need going back to work at his other job today. I think the other one had off two different days than we have off, but I don’t know if it were Mon/Tues, or Tues/Wed. Seems I should remember something about Jewish holidays, but I don’t.
I think the highlight of my day was … shoot, can’t do just one, I’ll have to remember more hehe. There was one point after dinner well, there is like a settling in … we don’t know each other’s real routines or anything, but at this one point, I noticed him sitting on the couch. It was after he’d checked his email on my computer and after he had brought out his computer and was using it on the coffee table. I know I had this desire to be close to him and as I neared somehow fell magically drawn into a position that seemed designed just for me. He was forward on the couch, so I lay in back of him and began the massaging that we just croon over.
Felt like the most natural position in the whole world. The talk was very light because I knew he was focusing on something for work. We talked about it after a while. Nothing serious … just picking up small minute things that make him so exciting to me. I think over time I will understand a sales report, not because I need to, but because it’s something that is important to him. I want to be a part of the world he feels comfortable in sharing.
I know that we’re still in the honey moon stage, but I so sincerely hope that it never ends, and will work toward that goal. It will take awhile to define what is normal between him and us. I sure look forward to all the discoveries. Even though we’ve known each other for 14 years, we’ve never been around each other long enough to discover everything there is to discover – good or bad.
There was this one part last night where he was on the big computer (mine) and I’d been sitting on the recliner and there some small chit-chat and then he said something about being emotional and I realized that he had started to deeply sob … I wasn’t sure of the right thing to do, but I felt my body getting up and moving toward him automatically to hold him. In all these years my poor baby, I don’t think has really ever cried like this with us. I felt I had no more important job in the entire world, except to do what I was doing at that very moment. Now, my eyes are watered over all over again just thinking of his pain. There’s nothing worse than to know your love is hurting. He let me hold him ... after he started balancing himself, I decided that I wanted to stay closer to him … we found one of the folding chairs in the closet and pulled it up beside him. I hope he can tell me when he needs more time on his own, so I don’t smother him, but right now he needs the best me I can be.
I think over all those years where I would have wanted his separation from wife – I had always known that he was a person that would give absolutely everything he could to his relationship, which included working on his marriage. He rarely, rarely talked about it … so I had a sense only of it from in and around more talks that fell on his love of his children. He’s the kinds of father that would do anything for them. There was one time yesterday that I had done some simple little thing, I’m not even sure I can remember it now, but the important thing was that it had never been done before. Oh yeah … I think it had something to do with the person that should have cared didn’t outwardly care if he was coming or going after he had left a note telling her when he was going to return. That kind of stuff blows me away … how can his coming and going not be important??
I think over time this kind of horror story is going to come out more frequently. Maybe one painful memory at a time. My heart breaks for him to have been treated so roughly. Damn crying again. I have to remember though that these painful memories need to come out, because I think they’ve been boiling inside him for so long. He’s been hurt and abused by her. I think he’s been trying to hide that all these years. I am going to try as hard as I can not to talk directly about her. I want to honor her privacy. Though I won’t be quiet about what he went through, because that part needs as much voice as it can get.
He is going to work it out with her, but I think also with his son in how things can be arranged so that she is still being financially cared for, but my impression is that he will pay for her, but doesn’t want to be under that again. I am so deeply grateful that he’s stepped back. We don’t know what’s going to happen in that he said we should keep things one day and one week at a time. I know that he is going to do his best to keep the situation in check. There was another time though last night after he’d taken care of his business needs that he and I went in the bedroom and I sat on the bed and watched him putting away some of his things and we chatted lightly. I was so gosh darn proud of him for being able to take care of himself so well. We are talking small things hear like making sure he had his shaving equipment and underwear and uniform for his sports and all. I know that he doesn’t want to do the deep unpacking – like because he wants to keep flexible for the time being, but how proudly I am of him for accomplishing so much. Looking at him on the surface doesn’t nearly reflect what is going on underneath. From that direction he is like a well-spring, but certainly during a rainy season.
I love him so incredibly much…
You know the funny part … I think she is grieving the loss too. Perhaps she had no idea what she was doing to him? I don’t know … Most likely she is feeling sorry for herself and not him. I don’t know I look at her now that she was almost sadistic, but I have no real grounds to base all that on. I know his hurt is very deep – the kind that seeps into a persons’ bones. It is real and honest and natural. I wish sometimes that I could protect him like an umbrella, but his sadness comes from within. His son says she’s crying too. Maybe somewhere … Oh I don’t know it’s frustrating to think what she is going through … I know from his relating through the son that she’s being overwhelmed too. I think though that after she realizes he’s going to continue paying for some of her living that she will be better. This is something that just can’t be cut-off.
I don’t know how much he makes, nor will I ever ask. I don’t know how much he intends to pay, and again I will never ask. Yesterday when money came up I let him know my thought there was that I don’t need the money here, but that he should assure that he keeps enough so he could leave here one day if that were his choice and be able to make it on his own. I hope that day never comes, but I don’t want him to feel trapped here. I want him to be as free as he wants, just that it won’t mean I stop loving him. I want to be his friend forever. There was one time yesterday as I was walking from room to room and I thought over a dream that I’d made so very long ago when I was a child laying in front of my bedroom door listening to sound floating in under the crack. I remember thinking of it as a big person’s dream in that I hoped with everything I had that one day I would meet someone who I could love with all my heart. I have no doubt that person was Rich. Just yesterday when I was walking and now again this instant I feel the deepest respect for life in that such a miracle could happen and he be a part of my life. Oh man … again the tears.
Ok, ok … I stopped to take a break. I reread, cried and then decided that I needed to do something so I poured a bowl of cereal after emptying the dishwasher.
I let my thoughts fade for a little bit, but I was thinking in that last night after he had talked to his daughter in the back, said that she had asked more about me.
That is to me the absolute most amazing thing. I asked if his children thought really bad things about me, but he said no. He said he didn’t tell her very much, but I think he said some things. I’ve always honored his private relationship with his kids so I didn’t pressure him too much. Hehe … well, that and I knew he wasn’t budging. The sense of it being amazing is that after over a decade of asking about them, that they would return the gesture? I’m pretty sure they are going to want to know if I really love their dad and is he going to be well taken care of. Well, if I had a dad, that’s at least what I might think. A child wants to know that his or her parent isn’t going to be taken for granted. Rich is still emphasizing the friendship side of things rather than the romance, but oh man … this girl might find out at some point how hot her father is.
Woohooo. Guess what, guess what?! Sweetie Pie is up. He had a smile on his face though … he says that we were pounding on the keyboard so hard that it was waking him up. I thought, Oh no. Really? Then, he said, no that he was all teasing, but I suppose he might have heard us … Hmm, we’ll need something quieter that isn’t going to wake him up. Whoops, have to go!
posted by Ann Marie @ 4/04/2007 05:58:00 AM
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