Ayn's Multiple World

Progressing the movement part

Good morning. This is me. We’ve been up for about an hour. We got as far as making the kitty food, doing the coffee, and then checking over some writing we’ve done and getting it posted. We had a hard night because we told our Sweetie Pie about some of the stuff going on from yesterday. It wasn’t a spectacular accounting of the day, but we did a couple major stuff. We told him about the repairman coming over and we told him about the wheelchair … those were the hardest. We’ve got a couple more purchases, but they aren’t anything toward the first two.

He was very mad … I don’t know maybe just gigantic frustrated. He doesn’t see how I can learn to be responsible if I keep spending money … He didn’t say it like that, but that’s what I took to be the gist of it. He was pretty much absolutely sure, forbid like the chair, we were crying in the end though not because he was rough with us, but because he cared enough to not seeing me go downhill more. He said something at one point about not wanting to lose us in a couple of years, because I mean something to him. But, I got in my mind that I’m helping us not hurting us.



That sorta thing has me crying again this morning. I’m going to take a shower in about 50 minutes, then see if I can curl up with him for about 15. He had said to wake him at 5:30 am. if I were up. I very much hate to upset him. I don’t mean to be so like I am where I am not listening to him, but if I listened to him, I wouldn’t be listening to me. I’m not so silly I can’t hear the complain in peoples’ voices. I heard it with Deb, Maury, Dr. Marvin, and now Rich. None of them can feel what it’s like to be me. I think they see that I’ve gotten along without a chair so why shouldn’t that continue. I tried to tell Rich about it hurting more on its own like right now. But, maybe that was callous, because it made him feel like I was going to be gone. I’m not going to be gone any time soon, but maybe it is time I back that up with another visit to the doctor. I don’t know what’s going on with that. This didn’t start with extra pain though. Maybe that has more to do with improper posture. I’m going to try sitting up. It still might be a good idea to have xrays done to see how its progressed. I don’t know … doesn’t seem to be anything she is going to be able to do. Same way, I could check my fuzzy hand, but maybe she’d just send me to another surgeon who would confirm its too early to do something and maybe I should be wearing the brace more. It’s hard to tell because its been so long, I don’t remember exactly what was said last time.

No matter. Feeling pretty miserable right now … last night he got too tired and he didn’t want to cuddle. That’s the hard part, but he said he likes me to massage his back all the time, but he was feeling pressed and was tired. He has other stuff that’s on his mind like doing something for his son’s FASFA and helping his son with a car. His son wants a better car than his father can buy but the son still seems to be pressuring. I could understand that in that Rich came back and mentioned a Kia, but his son I think is too proud for that. I think the son is leaning toward a Scion, like ours, but probably the newer model.

Rich,

I wanted to share this with you. This is the more accurate information on how much a Scion costs. There's supposed to be only about 1,200 left, but that figure isn't dated. We were took at our dealership The price below is of 9/18/06. The model that I have is changed in 2007, so they don't appear quite as boxy. I think I've got a classic. I don't know, which one your son is looking at, but I'm very proud of my vehicle. Not the cost I got nabbed for though. When I called him on it, all he could say was that I got a lot of extras. Each car comes customizable to about 60 possible changes. I think the Ipod connection is standard. Maybe if you went with your son, you could better protect him from the sharks. It's of course a personal opinion, but I think its a very good car for the money and its important because its a low-cost car he's handling. He's been in one and likes it. But, this said, I will fade back to the back-ground. I'm sorry I used up so much of your car shopping time last night.

Our goal from the start was to change the conventions of the auto industry. We set out to create an affordable, unique & sophisticated vehicle. We wanted to create a new environment for people to purchase a car in - the kind of place where you're not sold a car, but rather where you would go to buy a car. Simple, straightforward & convenient - that's Pure Price.

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Base MSRP* (includes standard features)

Manual $14,610
Automatic $15,410

2006 xB Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price as of 9/18/06, including the Delivery, Processing and Handling Fee. (Historically, vehicle manufacturers and distributors have charged a separate fee for processing, handling and delivering vehicles to dealerships. Scion's charge for these services is called the "Delivery, Processing and Handling Fee" and is based on the value of the processing, handling and delivery services Scion provides as well as Scion's overall pricing structure. Scion may make a profit on the Delivery, Processing and Handling Fee.) Excludes taxes, license, title and accessories or other optional equipment. Dealer price may vary.

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www.scion.com

Ok, we’re back again. I don’t know if I’m helping here anymore or if I’m hurting.

But, I can see why Chris is looking at this vehicle. Probably for the same reasons I looked at. The odds of him and us picking the same car? I don’t know, but one day if he were ever to meet me, he might think it ironic. I think there’s going to be upset feeling down the line if he finds I got something he couldn’t get. But, worse off, I’d hate to see him going alone, because dad is not approving his choice. That’s where we got stung. Not to say it is Sweetie Pie’s fault … it was my fault being scared of what he would say if I asked his advice.



This is me probably feeling sorry for self. I just got scolded for not going into work… He said that we didn’t think straight. He’s probably right. We think crooked. We think like a multiple … I’m not regular. Then he said what were you thinking and we told him we were trying to fix things … get things done right away.

But, then he was saying that we have to be going to work and we have responsibilities and such, but it doesn’t never stick. It’s like somewhere in my head maybe we know what we’re supposed to do, but I don’t like doing it that way.

So, I never learn. I’m not trying to push Sr. over the edge, just that it seems what goes on in my head is more important than the rest the stuff. I’m pretty sure though she would never hire a multiple again, because we can only be there some of the time. She hasn’t read the note yet so we don’t know how mad she is going to be. We just know we have business to take care of … we’re on a salary, but are being watched for hours, we have the extra hours, so we take them when we need to.

Least that’s my way of looking at it. I think in the process that I make Rich unhappy, because he feels he has some overriding responsibility for me. I guess it is like that. One of our thoughts was … you don’t control me. That wasn’t such a good thought, and then we were like we don’t control me good either. But, the things that I decide, I think I really have to do them that way. After the guy comes for the one at the later part of the day, then we’re going to go to the bank and withdraw all except about $120. And, then we’re going to give it to Rich. It’s obvious that I don’t make good choices in his book, and maybe the book of everyone.

But, I don’t understand cuz they seem like good decisions. He doesn’t even know about the zoo membership and the meters and bags and stuff. He does cuz we’ve told him, but he’s not at the place he can listen to it. He knows also for example that I want to go to the zoo and parks, but he doesn’t know I bought a membership. I don’t think I’m going to tell him anymore, because he just gets so exasperated with me. I don’t know what else to do.

Last night was a very heavy night … I didn’t want to go back there anytime soon, but I knew he was going to know if I didn’t go to work. Now if that lady doesn’t come with the chair today, I am sunk. Because that will mean another time. We will if we have to reschedule for next Monday. We have those two days with the ARC Convention, so we gotta do that and then we’ll be at work on Friday. I won’t use the chair if it comes today for the convention. I don’t want people who know me to see me in the chair. There is one person, Stephanie who seems to keep a little tab as to how things are with my back, at least she’ll comment on it, but I don’t want her or anyone to know or think all the bad things everyone is thinking that I’ll be worse off because of the chair. Our friend said; just don’t let me see it. I guess I felt grateful that I had dark windows in the wagon. We took back the email we’d sent him yesterday too, because we didn’t want to further aggravate him. I know he’s got other things on his mind too, because he’s trying to work out his own personal stuff, and his work stuff, and this morning the wife sent him an address to pick up the papers for the divorce. That’s a pretty major something that is all enough to say that I shouldn’t be bothering him with my stuff. I think I am going to have to get a handle on things. Maybe I could start with doing some reading?

That wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s not like finishing the last paper. Maybe I could do something in that direction? That is one of the things my friend brought up is that I say I want to get a master’s degree, but what am I doing for it. He’s right. It’s like Dr. Marvin said, I have to balance everything.

Hmm, just stopped to pet Chief for a few minutes. He’s laying with me now. I think he felt neglected, because when we were talking with our friend at the kitchen table, he kept trying to get up, but our friend wanted him down. I think he doesn’t understand that for 9 years our kitties have been able to be on tables and beds and now he wants them to change their habits. But, that doesn’t seem fair to the kitties, because they need some personal time with us. And, because we spend so much time at the computer, they wait until we’re situated and then come and ask for a little attention. Just like Chief is putting up with the typing now while we’re cradling him.

Hmm, seems like we’re still avoiding the paper. I would like to know where Rich is going to go before I get settled into things, and I want to know when that person is going to come out. I think they open up in a half an hour to an hour from now. I hope they can still be here. Ok, STOP you are now repeating your thoughts. It’s time to get a grasp on things. Hmm, I don’t know if I said this part, yet but, the person I talked to – Paul said yesterday that it is going to be about $11-12 a month for the chair. I guess it’s a rental situation, so I will most likely be getting a used chair. I think that is ok. I’m a little worried in that our friend says that we can’t push our chair, but I don’t remember why he said that. It makes all the sense in the world to us that we walk the chair and then take time out to sit in it. I’m not trying to stay caught up with the Jones’ I’m trying to take care of myself. People will adjust to seeing us do what we need to do. He did bring up that there are enough benches at the zoo so that I could get by without needing the chair, but I forgot to bring up the point that I have to get into the zoo first.

There is no telling how much a wait there will be waiting to get through the gates.

I wish that Rich could be calm enough so we could talk about my plans and we could really discuss them without him getting too upset to listen. I kind of heard the same problem with his younger son last night. The son had figured out something, but Rich wanted to imply his way of doing things that undermined what was important to the son. But, then again, I think like us the son probably was still depended on his father helping out in the situation. I would guess that the son has built up some kind of credit, or if not, could establish credit from the purchase of a car to try it on his own, but that be threatening to him. I worry too, about taking advantage of Rich because I gave him the money and now I’m taking some of it back to cover these needs we have. He pushed a little where the money is coming from, but he knows that the money is happening because of the school loan now in the account.

I think one of Rich’s arguments and the one we fight with ourselves, is that we are good at setting up plans, but less good in follow through, which means we get invested, but not as able to keep up with our objectives. One of the bigger case in points right now is the membership to the gym. Something happened in that we stopped going … oh I remember the thing with the guy, but the thing is that we used that as an excuse to stop going. Rich is frustrated, because the membership is not being used, but we’re paying a monthly fee for it. Right now due to our circumstance of not using the membership directly, we can say that the we are holding open the goal of being able to get back. We want desperately the membership even though at the time we’re not up to it. Then maybe the question is again, how do we make ourselves do the things that we set up for objectives when we’re obviously having problem with the follow-through. Usually, this argument gets us back to thinking toward our interest in self-regulation. Shoot that reminds me that we have to establish an outline for our big project and do the cog lab, and finish the last paper. How is it that we’re going to do this one set of things … like how are we ever going to follow through. It seems like the biggest deterrent is that we need or feel we have the need to be typing out this posts and this seems to have priority over almost everything else. Is it just that we’re taking the easy way out. I don’t know.

We just took a break. We used the washroom and stopped to smooch our friend. He’s so soft and warm. He was gentle and nice with me. I don’t know why … we disappoint him, but he still seems to like us. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like crying again, because we don’t want to do things that hurt him. So, we try to be nice. We sat down with him for a few minutes and poured him coffee. He said something about the exact frustration he was going through with his system … Hmm, speaking of systems, we’re having trouble being dropped and picked up by our cable company again. I know the bill is paid. That’s about the first thing you always check on. It seems the phone is working, but if I don’t get a call from the chair people within the hour now – it’s almost 8 am, then I will give them a call to reassure myself that they are still coming. Especially, because if the phone is not going to work, we’re going to want to use our friend’s phone before he leaves at about 9 am.

Ok, we’re back. Our friend let us use his phone for a while. So, we made a call to the cable company. They did some checking and couldn’t figure out what was happening, and I couldn’t be here tomorrow so I asked if I could have a evening or weekend appointment … it is scheduled for Saturday between 1-5. He was a hard-working guy, but the kind you didn’t mess with. It seems ok for the time being, but it wouldn’t let me go to an Internet site just a second ago. I had wanted to see why they had killed a 13 year old boy on the highway. It’ll wait. The bottom line is that I can type off-line, but I need predictability for the school stuff. Yes, that’s right after someone takes school away from me then we get protective. There was the second call we made to the home delivery service. They said they were loading up the truck now and that it will get here, but they can’t give us a time yet. We had to let the guy tell them we are definitely home all day, but without a phone, so they have permission to come anytime. He said that latest would be 3 or 4, but sometimes later, they will deliver everything before the end of the day. That means that someone should get out of her pjs. I did take the shower, so all that is good.

Our friend is home and accepted another kiss and more coffee. He’s on the phone.

He says he’s about 12 calls backed up, but he’s starting to make them now. I know he’s been working all this time since we’ve been talking so some things are being accomplished. We let him know of the service calls and he seems ok … he had no particular comment, and is emotionally in balance. Just busy. Like I said before, he’s probably leaving now in about 20 minutes. I think he has a game today at 4:30, so he might not be home until about 7 am. I feel very lucky now in just hearing the sound of his voice. I love him so incredibly much. Ok, then you … do what your supposed to do. You know you need to get dressed, just go and do it … Ok, I know … I’m going.

Ok, back. So far so good. I think we’ll wait until a few minutes after 9 am when our friend leaves to start the school stuff. We’re pretty caught up in the writing and have progressed it about 9 pages. Hmm, following his movements now, trying to be ok with the part that he is going to leave. This is just natural stuff, right?

It will be ok? Maybe if he’s packing his things up it will be ok if I listen to him … maybe he’ll talk outloud his plans. Hold on let me go check.

Wow … ok, we’re back. It’s now about 9:15 am. Rich just left he gave us 3 very strong definite kisses that I thought were going to knock me down. They were intense. He was in control, but we were knock-kneed. I wonder if he could at all understand the depth of what we’re going through. There was an inbetween part who was out who was very shaky. She was trying to tell him how much she depended on his every word. I’m not sure what else, but I know she had a shaky voice and was crying. But, then a stronger part came out and handled things ok except the part of the kisses, that was a lot to sustain. I think we talked for a moment about doing the things that we set out to do. Like a minute ago when we said, “go.” We really did need to make ourselves get up and dressed.



We’re going to come up with a few minutes of needing to be able to say paper, right? That’s what he bargained for as he kissed us … he said before it wasn’t goodbye because he was coming back. Someone had said something about being married and this was why it was a good reason we never get married, because we get so confused. He was saying for a second something about maybe this part of him being here wasn’t such a good idea, because I think of the one part that needed him so much. That would be a terrible thing for him to leave cuz we wanted him so much, but I think he was speaking to the dependency things and that we’ll do less while he’s here. But, I know that we have to do more, and we reminded him that we’d gone through with these other plans so that we could be around more not less. We need to work ourselves harder with reality I think … sometimes I think me as a part skirts away from it. Like I know I’m one of the parts that has trouble being outside, but we seem to be more excited about life, and yes terrified sometimes of it because it seems so huge and overwhelming. I think in our plans today, especially if the wheelchair works out is that we’ll take it to a park. Oh man … I don’t know where there is a park, that one place across from the BK is just like a park parking lot, it didn’t lead into the woods.

Ok, two things just happened. I talked to Rich and I got a note from Sr. Theresa.

She said that she got our email and that a chair sounded good for getting out and from getting to parking lots to entrances. She also said she understood that we’d be going to the ARC meeting and that she’ll see us on Friday.

Man-on-man God bless the ground she walks on … I’m so tremendously relieved she didn’t send an angry email. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for not being overtly upset. She even had an exclamation after the Hi. Oh man I think I’m the one that must be blessed. Damm crying up a storm again … just weeping, there’s so much pressure, and I’m trying my best to be alive. I want to be alive. That has to be a difference because I feel it so profoundly. Ok, stop that, stop that … there is no reason for this kind of outburst. Oh why is it that I can do stuff that upsets people and they don’t stay hating me. I just don’t understand.

The second call was to our friend Rich. He said he had to pull over to talk to me.
I don’t mean to cause people problems, but he wasn’t even acting as if it was a problem. He said that I would have to give him time, but he and I could go out in the evening and he would find me a safe place to walk. I tried to tell him how overwhelming this all seemed and how magnificent and terrifying it was.





Ok, we’re back here for a moment. We’re checking though on one more thing, if we can get through with this silly Comcast.

Shoot. Ok, here we are again … It’s now about quarter after 11 am. We did a little navigating with the phones. After all these years, we broke down and ordered a cell phone. It is a free phone they say is $179. It seemed like a good enough phone and it has a camera … It can do Internet and it can be replaced if something happens to it. That all seems fine to me. I think I got a low minutes thing for 450 of $39.99 per month, but then for the replacement and Internet there was an additional $22, to cover the cost, I cancelled my home phone, or it will be after I turn my number over to Sprint … I’m going to keep the same phone number. I don’t know if Deb is a Sprint customer or something else, but I know the boys have Sprint phones, and Rich is a Nextell subscriber and she says you can connect to them anytime for free as well. I hope it is going to be ok. D***** I’m so frustrated with Comcast right now. I can’t get through anything on the Internet and people say on the phone they can only hear half of everything we’re saying.

The guy over at Comcast says I have a damaged wire, but he can send someone over to fix it, but it won’t be still toward Saturday afternoon. We had to talk to them when we canceled the phone service for the cell. The cell lady’s name was Joan and she was real helpful and patient with the bad connection. I was appreciative of her. I wish I could read more about the phone, I just glanced at things, but the Internet is so messed up I can’t get anywhere on it. I’ve got to be patient, right? I just have to deal with it until Saturday. It’s going to be ok. I think I’m going to try being outside for a few moments. BRB.

Ok, that was like enough of that … It’s kind of creepy out there. Not really, but it’s I don’t maybe eerie. I hate that that guy sits across the street all the time staring at us or anybody else that’s on this side of the street. It makes me feel like I don’t belong there or something.



Is this what it is like watching a crazy person go crazy? Shhhh shhhh, we’re not going there ok? Let’s step away from the ledge. It’s just that there’s stuff going on this afternoon, nothing got done this morning, we’ve got another something to explain to Rich and we’re a little tired and cranky because of this Internet/phone problem. We try abstractly to push buttons so things happen, and nothing is happening right. There’s a strong part that wants to lay down for a nap, but we know we have visitors coming. Hmm, I don’t think we could sleep through it – the sound of the buzzer that is … maybe if we tried a little nap?

Pshwo … we’re progressing. It’s now 2 pm, and we’ve got the nap done and both tasks. The wheelchair is in the wagon and the treadmill is on top of its game.

They came within minutes of one another. I guess the treadmill guy saw the chair guy loading chair in the trunk and he had tried to ring, but we hadn’t answered … he waited or drove for 10 minutes and came back, and here we are. I am very grateful of him and I trusted his service. I didn’t like the wheelchair guy. He was this is this and this is that and now I’ve stayed too long. He didn’t seem to want to talk at all.

The wheelchair fits into the back sort of laying folded together but towards its back. I think it will be all right the way it is, I have to ask Rich about leaning forward and back against the window when the car is going forward, back, or stopping quickly. The only thing I left in the car beside my white and garbage was the window washer fluid. I think it’s dangerous to drive without that. Otherwise my wagon is not going to have a lot in it. It’s not overly hard to lift the chair, although it is heavy. I wouldn’t want to lift it far. I am actually very, very pleased with the way it fits in. If I were being pushed I would want the feet part on it, but if I were doing myself, it makes more sense to just keep them off. I found it a lot easier to get around using my feet rather than my arms on the big wheel for much more than steering. The seat itself fits comfortably and it looks like we have the desk-size arms. I don’t remember now if the seat is black or blue. I’m leaning toward it was black. Otherwise it looks like a pretty normal wheel chair. Sitting down in it though I noticed it felt less like a wheel chair and more like a chair, but again I think that is because we didn’t have the feet part in. I would like to think of it more as our motor bike than something an invalid might use. We put the extra stuff from the cargo net and a plastic dishwasher like bin with car cleaning things in the downstairs storage. Everything should be fine.

Also like stated before, the guy for the treadmill was nice. A little shy I think with women, but he seemed to know his job. He actually started with just a couple of jiggles, which made me feel terrible. But, he looked it over real well inside and out, took measurements, and cleaned it up. It is good to go. He did say I am going to need a new belt and that should be replaced in at least a couple of months. He showed me a number that should have been like 2-3, and it was 10, which means the belt after 10 years was pretty warn and it was making the machine have to run that number much higher and harder. We’ll talk to our friend about it, but we need to clear a few more obstacles with money. I tried the machine and walked on it for 4 minutes, so at least I have that. This would seem the time to make a lofty goal, but maybe some regular kind would be fine. The guy talked a few minutes about doing just a little at a time and to go back often and not to mind if you miss one or two, but to get back on the machine. He bounded fine for us. He went down to the car to get our driver’s license which was nice of him. Obviously, he’s a younger man and he’s used to some hard work. Oh and he said the other guy would call us back with information on a new key for sudden stops, and about the cost of a new tread. So, I think that’s about it on that score.

Now we’re going to need figuring what kind of goals we should have. How do I know when to get up on the mill again. The first exercise was at 2 pm, for now let’s try getting on it again within the next 7 minutes. We’ll just see what we can do with the day and how hard on us it is. I also want to consider going to the bank. He charged us straight-up $99. That was nice, he had some other things added on, but he took them off. Maybe it would be a good time to bring out the performance thing. I think there are places to mark this sort of thing.

Ok, not sure where we are here …… I guess we’ve just finished up with the Performance Record. I’m still very frustrated with the computer because it seems everything is bogged down today because of the Internet. I may need to turn it off and reboot. But, for now we’ve added the exercise portion to the chart. We’ve walked three times for four minutes each. It’s about quarter to 4 pm. I think we’re still on line, but there is not much going on there. I stopped receiving email from the multiple groups and the exercise group. For the most part they turned out to be uninteresting and arteries clog in my email system.

posted by Ann Marie @ 4/25/2007 02:48:00 PM Comments: 0