*Sigh*
Yeeks it's afternoon …
Just been around … looking pretty good out there. For the most part at least. We’ve just finished our brunch (tomato sandwiches) and we’ve got a note that our sweeties stopping by after a game …. 8 pm Yeeks … definitely need to take a nap! We’re trying not to stress over the thought he asked us not to eat dinner until he gets here. Ok, tummy it’s just you and me here … you can do it … I know you can! *Sigh* We just remembered too … well, actually V remembered that we should take our medicine. So we’re good to go again. Cover ears Bedazzzled … we’re still ummmmmm well you know we got that ONE JD problem. *Sigh* Whichever parts listen with our ears say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” when we think the thought of listening to another artist.
We appreciate your supportive thoughts that we’re going to make it without so much Dr. M. We’re trying to adjust to the thoughts. Just remember the part where we asked him if it was real and he confirmed yes it was. Then it was like, ok … we have to go on here. We don’t have to stop. Life is going to be tremendously different. But, then we’ve liked ourselves so far, so not a good idea to regress terribly while we’re figuring out the changes. Dr. M. said that this wasn’t a natural place we’d come to as far as needing or not needing services. It was a natural event in that I’d had troubles paying the bills. The hospital didn’t like that. I was wrong in thinking we would get more support in figuring out how to do finances. I know that Dr. M. is leading to the point where whatever I feel because of this is good. I guess the hard point then is that I have to acknowledge myself as a person who not only feels, but is worthy of this sense of humanity. We’re still trying to get over that it is ok to cry. It wasn’t something allowed back then.
When we cried before it would make our mother angry, then she would either disregard us totally or get angry with us. Then she would put that anger on us. It got to explosive points where our own anger was forcing back the tears. In our minds we were processing, “I won’t give you the satisfaction of thinking you hurt us!” Looking at it now … seems like we are more humbled. It hurts. Mostly when we slow down to look in his eyes. They say to us … trust me. Most our life, we’ve only trusted that bad stuff happens to people. Especially us. That’s not such a good thing. And, most damaging is the thought that the people you know and love the best hurt you the hardest.
Christina … I had to look up the word, “dignity” in my unabridged. I’ve never thought of that word connected to me. But, now while I think the word indignant … I think yes, we’ve known this. Kind of the way one screams in rage, “How dare you!???” Been here. This must mean somewhere we thought higher of ourselves than that that was being shown to us as us. Maybe this is a good thing to know about.
This last week, we’ve had a nagging thought. I can see my mother screaming at me telling me how stupid I was. We never got the point of thinking other than “FINE! SO WHAT??!!” It seems to have been a lifelong struggle in confronting her anger with ours. Some kind of absurd survival technique. Not all of our parts of course. Though we still have some adult parts that shudder, stutter, and withdraw at thought of her. But, we’re better able to control our minds and “No, this is not somewhere we want to go right now.” Ha!
Just reread what we wrote. It kind of made me laugh. We can control our minds? Can we? Maybe it is we can control our thoughts, but maybe not the unconscious or feelings. Sometimes though we can find our thoughts CAN help us with the emotions. They tell us now more and more to feel the sense of happiness we are most often processing. Or, to look at Dr. M’s eyes when the crying becomes too overwhelming. They are like the Bridge over Troubled Waters. Let go of the feelings of being ashamed. Why do people shame their kids? “Big boys don’t cry!” Yah, right! Assholes. Damm, swore.
Yeeks, new paragraph, new paragraph!!!
Hey girls. Let’s not start feeling all TOOOOO fast. Let’s just do it a little bit at a time, K?
We’ve now been hiding in the song for a few moments. Trying to hear the providential messages hidden in the words. Where should we go next …
AHA! Been down a long contemplative path with Mal and Bon. Don’t think I’ll retrace it, just interested in where we are now. Ok, you … where are you? Whoops in need of washroom that’s where we are!
Ok, that’s done. Also listening to V’s opera. Feeling a little down. Maybe it is because Mal was pushed to listen to us talk about our prodigal son. I don’t now want to talk about him as directly, though I think it was good to talk … just now I want to figure out where we are because of having distant relationships with children and family. Most the time, we think we’re doing pretty good. I think its because we surround ourselves with all of you. I like that people can care about others. I like to care about others. Sometimes, I think if I didn’t care about others, I would get rusty!
There is another sense after having come through this week in consideration of Dr. M. thoughts. It is like I am now required to think MORE of taking care of myself, especially because he won’t be here as often to help me take care of self. Sorta like my parents, boys, boyfriend, or regular friends not being here directly. I thought last while talking to Mal, my impressions of even the boys has more depth, in that, I am again thinking like a mother and not quite as much like a victim. I’m not perfect though so don’t push it! Christina … often we feel sorry for ourselves. Just try to do something about it when we become conscious.
With the boys and their distance … it is like I am still looking after them. Well, this one has gotten to this point, this one is going through that, this one is speculating thus. It’s not something filled with a whole lot of information like when we cared for them, since interactions are so low. I see them taking steps that I must approve of because it is no longer up to me to decide their paths. They have to care for themselves. I’m pretty sure, they are all grateful for that. I’m grateful to give that up. I remember wrestling with them in just getting them from point A to B to C where B was the grocery store. Yeeks. Ever try to reign in a free spirit? One of those free spirits, if I remember correctly, thought grocery stores were for sampling new drinks and eats! Most likely because I wasn’t a big disciplinarian they would scatter to the four corners of the known grocery store and I felt torn between chasing them down and just getting food in the cart so we could get out the door. *Sigh* Were those really the good years? ACK! Always such busy minds and fingers. *Sigh*
I find myself guilty of telling Tom how wild my Granddaughter seems. But, that’s most likely how it was with my sons. Remember sitting now at restaurant grabbing flying straws, saving the jellies, and pulling away the forks and knives. All the time conversations were happening and there was a constant stream of directions. I didn’t know back then of being more positive … it sounded like stop that, do this, watch out! Tsch, Tsch Tsch … maybe this is why God messes with our memories … our lack of memory keeps us going forward in the right direction. Hehehe thinking now of a game of “Life” we used to play. You’d pass points where you’d “earn” extra pink and blue peg children that were wedged lengthwise between the others. So if one of the twins fell out on a fast curve? Eh! I know, I know TEASING!!!
We almost did lose the youngest once while driving in a realtor’s car. He was messing with door handles that weren’t child proof like in our car. I think God really had higher intentions for this one, or none of us would have survived! Hehehehe Yup yup this one was the free grocery shopping sampler one too!
Ok, feeling better … smiles back!
When V. reads this he is going to think we’re avoiding school again *Gulp*
Ok, can we give ourselves one more unstructured thought? Well, no I’m not sure which thought. Just, I’m pretty sure I have one!
Thinking sure be nice to take that nap now. I think now I’m turning into an emotional vegetable. Not like I’m emotional now … at least not overly. Just feeling drained because of the week. The tension hasn’t yet gone down. Hmm, V’s in a pretty good mood now … slipping off … shhhhhh….
posted by Ann Marie @ 2/11/2006 02:31:00 PM
Comments: 5
