Ayn's Multiple World

Stolen time - an Ethical day?

Good morning. This is me. We're again having trouble starting ... I don't know much of when we aren't having trouble. I guess we just have to keep struggling until we can cure ourselves of ourselves. We stayed too long at Facebook. Kind of making up excuses to be there past the normal morning check-in. Sometimes I feel bad about being me because we have so many productivity issues. But, then I think ... you gotta be nice.

Last night we were at Rich's Mom's and that seemed to be a good thing. She was supposed to have had surgery for cataracts, but she had heart irregularities so they stopped the process. There's always a little shock process people go through with all that so we asked to go with Rich knowing we'd be better at talking to her about it than Rich and Bud. We were right, but I was proud of Rich for letting me talk in a woman to woman way with her that means more details then "man-talk." She needed to talk about it. It was something that had been scary - first for the surgery, and then knowing into your late 70's that you could have heart problems. I think she'll be OK, but I don't know if she's going to choose to go back to the surgery. That should be some more conversations. I don't know which way it will go in the end, but I know it to be a process.

I think Rich and us had an interesting talk on the way home ... at least we were conscious of younger parts being out. I don't know what we were talking about, but have an image of Rich chuckling. I guess with whomever he was OK, so that's good enough for us. It still always leaves that lingering question of how things happen in our head.

Tonight is a Dr. M. night. Maybe we'll be able to talk to him about it. It sure be nice to unwind some at his office. I'm not sure what's on the agenda for the parts though. Maybe I could think through it a second here.

Ok, going down my regular thought processes. Anything happen lately with Rich? Hmm? Ok, we went to his mother's we know that. He's been complaining about body aches. His schedule is too busy to get to the gym, though I think earlier in the week when he was willing it was us that held the team up because we were doing sewing stuff. He had kind of a funny day in the car on the way there. He seemed in an off-mood. We slowly asked him a series of questions such as ... you seem a little depressed. Was it me? Was it work? Is it because you are worried about your Mom? Did you lose at poker? You know general stuff. Sometimes when he gets like this he reminds me that men have cycles too and he thought he was at the bottom of his cycle.

Later at his Mom's he started to relax a bit, so we're thinking that had more to do with things than not. He naturally would be worried over her. We reminded him before we got there not to get in an argument with her, but within about 3 seconds of entering the house they were yelling at each other. We growled at him ... DEAR you weren't going to do this, remember?

We had gotten Chinese while still in Brookfield and it was an hour drive. Rich's point was that the food was still hot and didn't need microwaving and his Mom's point was that it had cooled and DID need microwaving ... I don't think this kind of thing HAS to be a problem, but it's like the two of them are waitin for something to argue over. I had reminded him that they both were dominating and wanted to be right and they both like to be the center of attention.

I scolded him and said we'd talked about this ... you weren't going to argue, remember? He seemed to pull back and the mother was grateful that calmer waters lay ahead. I think it is her that does the heaviest arguing, but they seem to stoke each other - as does Bud her husband and Mark Rich's brother. Pshwoo ... sure is a lot of anxiety for nothing. The mother doesn't HAVE to be right, nor does it really matter if she's wrong, but every time she exaggerates or something they all feel a need to pull her in instead of allowing her to have the thoughts that come naturally to her. I think for at least Rich he thinks intrinsically if he can keep her from "slipping" or "sliding" that he will keep her around longer. Plus, I think in general the family must have argued a lot growing up - though I understand that Rich is supposed to be the calmest in the family. *Sigh*

I think Rich and us can argue, but most of the time I will just make up my mind ... he'll get frustrated, and then he's over it, and we both move on. Sometimes he says stuff and we just follow along and then we have other parts that will argue back with him just to argue. This is the case of poor Casey and Rich at the end of the night when he tells her it is time to take her medicine or it is bedtime. If we were more able all the time I think he might be able to step back a bit. So, I guess we have to put up with the parts we don't like until we are in more control of parts or they are in more control. It's all time, patience and communication.

So that's Rich. With Maury ... we had a small discussion the other day. I am thinking that he's drinking too much ... he's arguing the point that it's tempered. I say that alcoholism runs in the family, he says he's got it under control. I say that you are going out almost every night, he says he has to be around people. *sigh*

I know that he's going through what will most likely be one of the hardest things in his life. Yesterday the house got put on the market and the divorce is final, but they still have to be working through things with each other. Maury is probably missing his girls and his "home-life." Where you come home and everything is yours and familiar. This last weekend they had a garage sale. I don't know how well all that went, but I know he's in the process of letting go. I think he'd prefer to just jump into his new life, but it doesn't work that smooth. Poor kids.

We still haven't seen the girls for a while. That is on our list of things to do, but it's a struggle to get scheduled in on the kids' calenders. We talked to Joe and Cari last week and we have a tentative date for Saturday dinner. Rich is supposed to b there too. We're looking forward to that, but know it will come with some problems. Joe is still working on building his own identity as an individual and as a couple. I think many things outside of that are troubling to him. He's thinking is pretty sharp - I mean that with clarity and in handling other peoples' imperfections. Love the pieces out of the kid and know better enough to know that Joe's defining himself and has a strong personality ... So we have to hang tough and just listen to where he's at. I think he still likes to be impressionable in a good way. I know he's going to ask me about the weight though and I'm not really up to handling that pressure. Joe just has an expectation that we are going to deal better.

We are still learning to have conversation with the foursome. I like Cari so that's half the battle. I don't know what she thinks of our multiplicity, but she seems more comfortable with herself and less intimidated by us than some of the others and that helps a lot. We can get into comfortable conversations where we separate a bit from the guys. I think she's real bright and exuberant. I like that she and Joe are really trying to work on resolving themselves to a good relationship. I don't know if one has to give or take more than the other. I think that Joe is the stricter of the two and follows a concrete path and Cari is more flexible - not so black and white as Joe. One way or another ... Joe sightings are not often so we'll try to make the best of it. I'm looking forward to having a good time. We will have to cut down some of the missing him time after. I know before the meetings with him its going to come up after we need to separate again.

Thom stopped on FB the other day just long enough to put a couple of pictures online. One was the splashing water that happens after a boat has gone through it. It doesn't show any details of the boat etc., but it seems to have been a good size from the turning of the water. I thought ok, Thom doesn't say anything, but we know he's on water. That's news. :) This is what happens when you get a secret spy in the family. I know that Thom is in intelligence and can't give much information, but sometimes you yearn for the smallest things. One of his pictures seemed to be a small on-base restaurant and the third picture ... well we couldn't figure out what it was. We'll have to be patient. Thom's been in Okinawa for 3-4 weeks. I think he'll try to communicate a little more when he gets back to his regular base in Iwakuni. Let's hope!

Ok, that's the boys. Next is probably my sister. Two visits ago we'd had a real rough time because of the excess sexuality on her part, but this time Rich wasn't there, so she was calmer and not as needy. I'm sure we had problems this time too, but for the most part things were good. We both paid more attention to the sewing tasks. The first part was that we were taking the three designs for the wall quits for the office here and we were calculating pieces needed for each. The instructions usually say stuff like dark red - 2 yards or light green fat quarter. This gives the seamstress good discretion about what kind of material she is going to use. Between us we were combining all the dark reds and light greens etc from each of the three parts so that we could share fabric between them so that they are coordinated.

It was an interesting process. I didn't know how CS does this kind of thing and I didn't think she was aware of the kind of order we would need. So I set it up that we both have copies of the same thing. We said you do it your way and I'll do it mine, and then we'll meet somewhere in the middle. Pshwoo ... that seemed to be a good idea. I think we kept tabs on each other because we were sitting next to each other. She decided to use paper and pencil and we used the OneNote program on the computer. After a while, I remember looking down and seeing how much trouble she was having at putting things together and she'd made a lot of corrections by the looks of all the erasers. We were at a point where we'd listed in order the three sets of material patterns - so we had three lists and each of them started with grays, and then reds, and then browns, etc.

I couldn't combine the quantities, where she found that kind of stuff relatively easy ... so I would say something like ok, we got 1 1/2 yards of this blue #1 and the next pattern is 1 fat quarter and the last is a fat eighth. So what is that all together? How much do we need? It was a pretty good system. I guess she'd never seen anything like how my minds were organizing, because after we'd gone to the store to get the material, she said that she'd shown the lady at the counter who owned the quilt shop and she said she hadn't seen anything like that either. It really wasn't complex. I think that was the beauty of it ... we kept things simple. I am still confused with why other people don't look at it more simply ... maybe some do, but I guess we just keep adapting to what we and others can and cannot do.

There was no problems in this section at all ... CS did abandon her method and I was grateful for her doing that. I have low tolerance for things that aren't done in order. We did some work with her in agreeing to a time. We had both gotten up about 5:30, but I stayed up and she went back to bed. When she got up about 9:30 am, we tried to let it go that it seemed half the day was over. It had given her the rest she needed and in the process it gave me some time on the computer. So all that was good deal. I asked her then the second time she woke what the plan was because I don't want surprises. She hemmed and hawed and we followed suit, but pretty much it was like ... it's not about you making the decision for us or me making the decision for us ... it was about combining aspects that she would like with aspects I would like. We both wanted to go to the store and decided that we would do it about 12:30 pm after lunch. We then asked Mark about his work lunch schedule and we almost coordinated times.

I had made an issue of not going out to eat. Rich had given me a $50 and a full tank, but I told her that if we don't go out I could then use the $50 for sewing. One of her tasks was to pick up the sewing machine at the store. It's actually my sewing machine - she has her own, but she's had our sewing machine for 20 years and hadn't done anything with it repair wise. Yeeks! So, anyway I felt that I could claim some ownership of it back if I paid some of the cost. it had come to about $90.

The ladies at the shop thought it was a great machine. It's a Viking which is supposed to be the top or next to the top of the line. This quilt store in particular specialized in them. Because the machine hadn't been overused it was like almost in new condition. I was very pleased to hear this. I know at the time I'd put a lot of money into it ... It was like a $600 machine back in the day and it's held up its value. One of the ladies - Sue said she had had that same machine ... so she let me know that she was going to give it one more nostalgic look before putting it away. She said she loved it, but eventually updated. At the time we'd bought it because we'd just gotten the Victorian and it had 54 windows and no curtains. When we went through the divorce and the multiple moves, CS let me know that at the time she didn't have a machine and wouldn't mind having it for awhile. That made sense to me. I didn't want to lose the machine and I knew she was a big sewer. She'd worked at Joanne Fabrics during high school and some college. Those people have to sew for displays.

It's still a little murky, but CS is coming around. She's been more than generous with her supplies. I said that until I learned how to use it we could keep the machine at her place. That seemed a good idea to her. We'll have to make room for it eventually if we were to take it home. I'm not sure how much we'll get into the sewing part. I do know that after we started ... the waiting for her to finish something so we had something to work on was very hard. To help somewhat with the lag time, she taught us about pinning materials. Pretty too during the down time we were watching what she was doing. It felt very comfortable.

I think she loves "stuff" about as much as me and I think its going to be a hardship for her to give up having 2 sewing machines. She expressed that sometimes she would do both of them by putting 2 different thread colors on both so she could go back and forth. But, in reality, I think her machine might have cost a couple thousand dollars and is newer, so I'm sure she's used to using more the better machine. I am actually quite relieved that it's there so I can learn from her. I'm about a gazillion light years away from knowing what we're doing. I have only the confidence that my family members all sew and sew well, so somewhere in me I have that ability too.

I think Mark threw kinks in our getting out at time, but we found the store was open til 4 pm and we'd known going into plan making that it would have to be adaptable. Mark changed it so that we weren't going to eat spaghetti at home, and then he changed it so that CS would be going out for it - chicken and then he changed it so he was coming in too late to eat together. Pshwoo! Definite kinks. But, eventually we got out and CS seemed to understand my impatience by giving me a quilting magazine to look at on the way to the store. The magazine had the Batik material we were going to look for ... and well you know me and learning :)

It was a relaxing trip to the store. After we got there she introduced us around and then she for the most part set me up in the corner where my materials were taking up a wall. I had to get 15 colors and there were hundreds to choose from. She pretty much said here you go ... do what you want and I'll be in a back room in that direction - she said this while pointing "afar."

She wasn't exactly truthful in that she'd never mentioned getting her own stuff. Even at the store she said she was going to look in the back for a few pieces we would need for the other quilt. Man she came out and she had a stack bigger than mine! There's always that nervousness around money - especially now that the two of us are together and seem to both be overpaying. I think she was serious coming into the house and telling me not to tell Mark what she'd bought. I'm pretty sure he's against that because she has two rooms and two closets - big - with leftover material. She didn't have the kind of fabric we needed and apparently she didn't have what SHE needed. I couldn't believe she was getting material to fill her stock and not getting it for any particular pattern, but I'm thinking in this line of craft - you see nice material and just go wild :)

The experience of shopping for material the first time in my life - well beside the curtain material - half of that was just given by my ex' mom. So anyway since that was over 20 years ago it COUNTS as my first time hehehe. I pretty much went to town ... CS showed me - she gives minimal instructions, but they are usually pretty good. She had told me to just pull out the bolts I wanted and leave them on the floor. I had wanted to know if I should do all that considering how small some of the pieces were. She explained that was just how you do it and that it would be fine.

I spotted the first one I absolutely wanted and from there everything just slid into place. CS said the next day after we'd come up with colors for the tri-quilting office project that I have a natural talent. She explained that she didn't have it so most of the time relied on material pulled together by someone else in kits. YEEKS! I thought that was terrible. Of course I was going to want to know what was going into my quilt if I were going to love it! So for the most part - maybe that is just like the project of combining the material on paper - we will just both have our talents and will both contribute to the whole. I'm really happy to hear there is something I am doing well. So far I'm a good ironer, cutterer, pinner, and now a material shopper :)

The process of getting the material to the counter was pretty easy and the people serving us were pretty cool. One had come over in the process to let me know she was available to help, but I said no thanks. I was having too much fun by then. I found out later it was probably a little disappointment because this particular lady absolutely loved this kind of material. She did all the extra curriculum oohing and ahhing over the material choices with each bolt she picked up. That was very gratifying too. It gave me the confirmation I had needed after my first attempt ... that the material really was going together very well. I was scared over the price, but there was nothing we could do at that point about that.

The sales lady had waited until CS came back to give the dimensions. I found out pretty quick that CS was way over on everything she picked out. I don't know quite how much exactly, but when I looked at the pattern I could visually figure out you needed just a little but she'd gotten I think a yard or two or more for each. I know that's her way, but we went through most the money in my low bank account. It was almost $300 by the time she was done. I took on the 7 yard cost for the backing material for the 3 quilts .. CS was arguing that she'd cover the cost, but her order at least the part she acknowledged was over $400. Man! I guess it cost about $9 or so a yard. I think that's incredibly costly ... CS was saying but she got a deal because they give her 10% off. But, even that man! Thing is she knew what she was doing and I didn't.

I think we're going to have to go back through our resolve not to shop with her. I could see by the look on her face she'd gone way over and was grimacing. I don't know enough about their budget ... just know by her comment not to tell Mark - she went way over. She doesn't in public want to make it seem like a lot.

I think when we were in the fabric store several people had come in and out, but for the most part we got a lot of service from one of the employees and the owner of the shop. They apparently knew CS pretty well, or well enough. They compared notes of having been at the big quilt competition. CS was appreciated for having gotten into the competition. They had said it was a difficult thing to do. I don't know if CS knew how hard it was, but she has a general philosophy that if your not concerned about the difficulty ... you'll just do it. It's a good theory. I think its easy to beat yourself.

There was a lot of social yacking and we were learning about one another on a personal basis. Part of it was that they were sales people and knew their trade, but other parts were that I think we can be good conversationalists. Usually, I can listen pretty well and ask good questions, and I'm comfortable giving information out to assist anyone in relaxing with us. Ann the owner wanted to make sure CS knew they were going to have a quilting retreat in November. Actually they were having two but the other one had filled up. By the sounds of it, they are both about 20 big.

I thought CS should go because the guys could handle the dogs, she was afraid to leave them and then she had to fight her other demons. She has the problem of back and getting overly tired and not feeling well. Usually, when she puts out she has time to lay back and self-heal. This is going to be a lot on her. After we finally pushed enough that she could go - BECAUSE she really wanted to - she said that she would just take the breaks she needed so she could hold up the whole weekend. I had asked the cost early on and I thought it was a great deal to go for room and board for 4 days for only $200. Since then CS has gotten us each our own private room which cost an extra $35. She has problems being a light sleeper and I snore. She was adament the rooms were pretty small etc. It was ok, I have no complaint about getting a separate room. I know just with my electronics that I need to spread out.

I thought things over on the way home ... we'd been in general talking to her about stuff and were fully engaged, but by the time we got home we'd pretty much decided that we might go with her to give her that confidence, and because I thought it would be fun. Ann had made sure to say that there were all experience levels going and not having sewn wasn't going to be a problem. Pswhoo! CS played heavily into was it going to be ok with Mark. They talk in their own form, but after she had left the room, I had told Mark, I wasn't sure, but I was thinking of telling her that I'd like to go too. Mark's complaint was that she'd be going all by herself. I know he's going to feel better as would Rich if we were going together. So that worked out cool.

CS seemed very happy after she learned my plans. We've been dialoging all week back and forth about what would be happening. It's done through FB so there is just a little here and there whenever there are a few moments to pull together. AHA! Just checked over there now ... apparently she hasn't written yet, but Jeff left another note.

Jeff is someone we knew from high school. We weren't' particularly friends, but I think we had passing acceptance of each other as much as that sort of things happens. I think we've both gone through depression and now it seems he knows about PTSD so we're half way there on comfort levels. We read some things from his son yesterday and became very engaged in those thoughts. I hope we continue to be better friends. He really seems to be someone I would like to know. He says that he's been a loner - and in all reality we're pretty much the same. I really respect him ... He was always someone who stood tall!

So anyway back to the sewing? After dinner we finally got started on the sewing. There were things for me to do, but the work was slow. I had a hard time with patience. I need to keep my minds occupied. We did have nice conversations though and worked into the night a bit. The next morning we got started earlier, but there were other breaks. At one point, she released me so that I could look or pull together material for the quilt. There were a few bigger pieces from the store, but mostly the stuff came from her supplies. I think this kind of things feed my obsessions just right. She wasn't sure at first if we were ok, because we'd been inpatient, but we made sure to let her know that this was just the kind of thing that could make a person happy.

Toward the end of our experience we'd taken a few pictures. We spent some time with CS gathering things up and she printed out a few of the pictures. I think she's having trouble with the transitions too. I think Marky and CS like when I come over. It's about 2 hours and 15 minute to 30 minutes trip. It's not real bad, but it's a stretch. We knew that Rich wasn't coming home until 8 pm, so we weren't real excited about getting home before him. So we pretty much soaked the leaving. CS had gotten quiet. She had said something before we left about Rich and us getting a place closer to where they lived. We're pretty sure that wouldn't happen, but we've already started the process of thinking that if anything were to happen to Rich, I might go towards her area. Let's hope that's a long ways off. We still both have our quirkinesses enough to know that we need separations of time and space too so we don't get on each other's nerves. I think the effort is good from both though in learning to get along.

There was a nice couple hours too when we got a chance to talk to Uncle Mark. It was a variety of things, but he'd gone out to sit on the deck in the thing that rocks back and forth. CS had gone to lay down and we had gotten something to eat and I was thinking ahh ... haven't talked to Mark yet! So we joined him. They have a nice table out there and the space is comfortable. We talked about things that were more in-depth and then after a while it lightened up to an easy chat. I'm glad that Mark is around. I know he's gone through problems in the past and is just coming into a new school which causes it's own anxieties, but I think in general he's seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Think it was touch and go in-between. I think that Mark likes talking to us like we do him and it seemed just about the right amount of time.

CS let us know afterward that both she and Mark were glum because they don't like saying goodbye. I think this is a good thing. Not that anyone is suffering, but that you always want when visiting to have ready an invitation to come back. It wasn't ALL smooth at one point she seriously through a biscuit at me. We lightened things up a bit, and teased her for having our father's temperament. That was enough for her to remember how she hadn't liked it when she made spaghetti for my father and he threw it on the ground. I remember an incident where he was going off. He had put his food on the floor and stood up on top of the chair and from there he had his temper tantrum full bloom.

It's like sending up a flare. Oh oh CS ... you are going off a deep end, come back! Then we checked it out with both Mark and Nathan. Neither of them seemed surprised. Nathon's comment was well yes that's Mom sometimes she will do that. *Sigh* Ok, no fixing here! Just need to make sure we don't get caught up in each others problems. It was good that I could step back and realize that something was going on.

The point she had lost it was that I was playing the part of devil's advocate in helping her brain storm through a problem she and Mark are having. Basically, from their own view points, they are dealing with having one car and two drivers. I'm pretty sure I pushed her too far. Lessen learned. Next time I go it would be fun to get out of the car with a shield. I think she could then giggle about it too. I had seen her face though and I knew she had left it for a couple of moments.

We'll talk it over with Dr. Marvin tonight to make sure we check out, but other than that ... it's like ok, moving along.

Being back at work this week has been hard. Yesterday we had a meeting and we hadn't remembered it. We've stepped past the point of not looking at our schedule. We know we have to get back to it, but it's hard. CS has dominated most of our thoughts - or that of the sewing project. I think that being with CS is a good thing though is sometimes hard. I think the sewing projects have been good even though they take on dragon-size sometimes, because it's a vehicle of CS and us being together again. It gives us a playground to hang out.

The deal with the retreat is that it's going to be in about 8 weeks from today. That puts it a week before Thanksgiving. Lots to look forward to ... and some to be nervous of. We usually do pretty good with others, but its an effort and strain on us. We're going to feel we need some time with CS and some time separate from her so she can be creating her own relationships. I think she can be sharp with others, but most often she showers others in kindness even when its' pressing on her. She's got needs for attention and shows some signs of passive-aggressive. BOUNDARIES, RIGHT!??

Ok, nuf there.

I think the hardest part planning, which of course is something we can leap into is the project part. I wrote CS a note yesterday saying expressing the time distance and that we will be up at least once and maybe twice before the event. She has come back now in that Ann will put up the directions on what to bring maybe this next week. I had told CS since we had paid money already that we should be able to have the agenda. We need to start clearing all our personal obstacles. We want to be working on either Dr. M's or the 3 some quilt ... CS might want to do something else, but seems of the two to be sliding to the 3 some quilt. I don't have the sense of timing she does to know how much that kind of project is going to be.

We also don't know if there will be more time to introduce me to sewing proper before we go. On the one hand, we can go in as a team and have her do the sewing and me the ironing, pinning, and trimming. But, then again, we could be a more active part of SOME of the sewing. We could work on separate projects and make use of having a sewing teacher or two around. That take some pressure off CS and she could spend the time she needs recuperating in bed while we are able to continue. We'll have to see ... I would like to make plans, but can't yet. I don't know if I have a choice preference, except that I know I will want to stay busy and not be waiting for anyone. Since this is going to be my quilt I don't know if CS won't just hand it over - basically, getting me set-up, but leave me to do the work on my own of learning. We'll see ... we're teasing her already that she should set us up on the cruise sewing trip. She clarified I could bring Rich. If there were money that be really fun. She had just told us it happens, but she has not given any direction yet.

I think that Rich could handle it if we had money, because he likes water and time to work quietly or read. It be a really good way too for Mark and Rich to get together, while CS and us did our sewing thing. It have to be something too that worked around schedules. Mark is much freer in the summer because of his schedule. Rich likes to get out and CS and I'd be occupied which suits both our needs. We'll have to see maybe one day. Let's get through this first trip out first.

I can say honestly that we're looking forward. We told Sister already we'd take a few days off for the experience. She didn't have us mark it down in our book yet, but she seemed to be saying that it would be ok.

Funny Rich an us just sat together for 5 minutes ... I ate lunch, but he's protesting me not making him lunch by not eating lunch. We're still trying to get over schedule differences. We both want to spend time together, but he wants to sleep in and we want to be at our computer. I think the only way to get past it is for me to get up earlier to write so I'm not so frustrated losing time to just sitting ...I like sitting with Rich, but I get impatient to be getting back to our thoughts. Well that part is still work in process.

He talked a little about some of his work toward fundraisers for the center. He's got two things going. He's going to have the center host a poker night through an organization he's real familiar with and he's talking over ideals to be opening a retail shop. That one's a longer-ranged project, but he seems to be working on it seriously, so we have to make sure to stay positive with it. I like the idea ... think it would be a lot of work and needs a ton more discussion, but then again ... it's not our baby - it's Rich. Giggle. He just came back and said sister accepted his proposition to take the client I recommended to be on his volunteer list. The next thing he says was could you get his social security number for me. It was then like ... no. That's your job. We usually say something like ... we're not your secretary, remember? All he has to do is open the file drawer ... he does case files, I'm sure he could find the number :)

Ok, well see there ... that's always a little problem with couples. Maintaining boundaries so one doesn't get frustrated with the other. We can do this, right?

We should probably be doing something else, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to give up the ship yet. We teased Rich ... sorta ... we told him that my sister is planning a sewing cruise ship for us and that he should be going with us. He first said something like right! but then he said something a little less restrictive like - that'll take some time to plan. I don't think he said something that direct, but soon after he reminded me he was a couple thousand short of the income he'd feel comfortable with. Ok, like one thing at a time. We'll let that one slide for a bit.

In the meantime, I talked to Sr. about the meeting for staff training this afternoon. She has about 10-15 minute of time needed for announcements, so then we'll plan the rest of the meeting. I think we were doing something before this last break in schedules. Remember last week I did Holly's Thursday, because she was out until Friday. Sister took them then last week in my absence. I also found the client that Rich wanted to volunteer for his fundraiser. So we had him follow us back - they had their two minute talk and so all is good there. The client is only in on Thursdays and Friday so we didn't want the permission part missed. We know he'd volunteer anyway, because ... well this is a guy thing to like being around the poker players, He's a traditional guy who likes sports and stuff and there's not a guy in the place that wouldn't like doing something with Mr. Rich. He's aloof enough to be a big deal - especially as the center's only male staff-type.

Good good ... we got done with the staff training meeting. I can't say it wasn't dry. At least the better half. Sr. took her meeting to a half hour. True some of them had come in late, but the thing is she means to talk just 10 minutes, but it was a full half hour before we could talk. We got through most of the Ethics document I'd just pulled together. I'm probably the least ethical person I know ... that makes me feel pretty terrible, but yet we continue.

One year they are going to find out about Rich and us. Not only is he no longer married, he's been with us for 15 years and we've lived together for 2 years. Most likely this was a no-no. In a sense we set up a conflict of interest. I don't think it is like either of us are making unfair money because we both do the work we are responsible for, but we do talk afterward. Most of the time we talk though Rich takes an upper hand from being higher in authority. I will argue out my points, and it still comes back to I have to do the work the best I can, but then he doesn't tell Sr. if I'm having a hard time getting things done. One because sister knows already of my problems in concentrating, but then again ... Rich might say something more toward Ann might need more structure. We like it best when he doesn't talk to Sr. about me, but we're pretty sure if she's venting that she would say something to Rich about me. Sr. is like that with a lot of people. Mostly Rich keeps tht kind of stuff away from me. He's pretty private between him and Sr.

Ok, I don't want to be thinking of these fine lines. It's getting me no where. I think if I were to have an ethics talk to me I would be asking why is it that we do writing at work that's more personal thought process orientated. I think we have a lot of gray areas. I think of myself as doing work and play both at home and work. I think this is more natural in today's world when the social work is as far away as your work computer or iphone. I don't know how to deal with it though. I need to get my thoughts from one place to another. And, if I didn't talk through words on paper, I don't know how I would be able to direct the way my mind works. I seem to know what my tasks are, but often it gets breathed as CARF or Annuals. I have a great amount of trouble understanding how to do those things.

I know other parts of us know how to do these things, but I have a hard time and it's hard to get access back to the parts that know what's going on. I know that I have to do something first. I think I would have to stop and open some kind of work. It hurts my brain to think though it though. I think Dr. Marvin would say there is a lot of resistance.

I moved a paper so I could see something of the part where I think we are supposed to be working from. I know this ethical stuff needs to go back into the file part where we put stuff away when we don't want it sitting out on our desk. I can do a quick glimpse down on the desk. The document that's up in the folder says All short goals. If I pushed that extra paper over i know it would say the date, but even looking at dates scares me because I am so out of sync with them.

I looked this last time for about 3-4 seconds on the sheet. It has client stuff on it to do with their goals. The highlighted part says counting with two way combination. I don't want to train my eyes and mind on it, because then I won't be here anymore ... someone else will come out and do the work.

One of the staff working in the other room said good-bye ... I listened to our voice. I don't think it was me ... for that second I could feel a closing in that I knew something ... like that person leaves about now. My head gets real confused when I think too hard about work. I'm probably not helping by being out. I keep seeing the one line when I look down ... I can't remember what it says unless I'm looking at it directly. It says fifty's plus twenty's. That's supposed to mean something to me. My forehead feels all wrinkly. It's working on overdrive to think things through. I remember something ... no, well, I was thinking for a second about something ... felt that nice part where were figuring stuff out and then in our rush to nab the thought it disappeared. Keep looking back at the word. I know that it would be good if I could finish this last task we had been working on, but it's so hard and I'm not sure with our time. The clock now says 2:33 PM. I think that means we have an hour before going to Dr. Marvin's.

I think he would understand the cloud I feel with my life. I suppose the thing to do would be to figure out what I do and don't know. I think that money thing has something to do with the cards that are supposed to be on the desk in back of me. I feel like I'm being pushed by another part, but I don't want to let go. I know that I am real when I'm writing my thoughts as confusing or confused as they are. Hmm, I didn't write to that Jeff person yet. He seems to think outloud that we aren't too crazy. I think I'd like to check that out. Be back later.

posted by Ann Marie @ 9/24/2009 03:38:00 PM Comments: 1