Ayn's Multiple World

A long tiredsome day and thoughts :(

Good morning. It's Saturday about 10:30 am. We've been over at FB for the last 2-3 hours. We were going through our connections and making progress notes or comments, and we took a little time to write one of our friends. Diane. She was a multiple too at one point and we've been looking forward to having some time to write back to her.

I think today is going to be a real casual day. Rich is fishing in WI about 6-7 hours north of here. We have talked to him over the phone for the last couple of nights for a few moments, but not a long time. Just enough though to know that he's doing ok. I think fishing was better on the first trial day, but I think yesterday he and Bob were like 2nd to last. Poor guy ... he's having a pretty hard fishing day as to getting things accomplished there. It'll be good to get past this year and start a new one fresh with hope. I think it's been a lot concentrating on where and the mechanics of controlling the boat and thinking of fishing at the same time. It takes some dedication and patience.

I think at the time we talked to Rich last, he was beginning to focus on food for dinner. The first night I think they'd bbq'd hot dogs and such and then last night they were going to bbq pork chops. I think Rich might have been responsible for the corn. It seems to have been a summer for bbqing corn on the cob.

Rich sounded a little tired, but he was really into the thick of things. He had talked a few times while we were talking to others passing by. I just love to hear him interacting with others. He's such a guy doll! He was very prompt in reminding me that I should be doing productive things while at home since I wasn't going to go to WI. I don't know if he thinks writing, and FB and cutting quilts is as productive as he'd like to see us get, my bet is that he was edging to the point, I should get out like going to the gym. Maybe we'll have to see ... it would be a good goal if we could. Might mean getting into the shower and planning something out, but for right now, we just got to writing and I'd really like to give that a chance for a while.

CS is going to the quilt show in a little bit. She said on FB that she will be leaving at noon. I am hoping the best for her. She's got a quilt entered in a quilt contest at a quilt show. I really hope she does well, especially because this is the first time she's entered. She is going with her friend Carol. I was supposed to go up this weekend, but felt it was too much to go to the quilt show, because I would have wanted to go in my own car for better flexibility and it was like 1 1/2 hours away. That was too much. CS volunteered that I could have stayed with Mark, but that felt too complicated too and I knew she'd be tired on Sunday from all the walking and noise. There will be another weekend. I don't know if I will go up before Rich's next fishing trip, but we'll keep that in mind. I think Rich only has one more trip this year for weekend fishing. He'll have the "Classic" as a finale in October.

Dr. Marvin and us talked about the situation with CS last night among other things. We didn't really talk too much on work, but went through our regular topics of Rich, and the boys, and various things we were doing or trying. We had gotten to the place where we said with a half hour to go that we'd work on our harder stuff. I just know that CS came up there and good time went into that. I believe I understand that situation a little better. I won't discuss it here because I don't want to invade CS space in public, but as a marker it had mostly to do with strong feelings we were having when Rich and us went up last weekend.

I don't think that that had a lot to do with not going up this weekend, but it did seem like it was a lot of family to be going two weekends in a row. I know CS is going to want to spend time with her best friend, and I didn't want to intrude into that space. One more thing too though is that I have to figure more on this quilt space with her. I don't want to invade on her space as to something she's very proud of and gets a lot of esteem points on.

I'm not sure where to go here next. I've kinda cut myself off here. I don't think I particularly want to go into a lot on work now, because I need a little release time from it.

I might try after a while to turn on the music like we had last weekend. I think we were out quite a bit, first with seeing Rich's Mom and then seeing CS. When we were home on Monday for the holiday, Rich and us spent a lot of time cleaning up around here and doing things like that. I forgot or didn't have time to talk or think through that with Dr. Marvin, but I think we had a pretty hard time when it came to Rich vacuuming. Matter of fact, I think we were here writing when we got triggered and then lost quite a bit of time. I think there was something to do with being somewhere between here and the bed, and I seem to remember that as Rich began to question our state, we went to him and we were sobbing. I think we were having a reaction to something else, but as well to a sense of tying the past with my father cleaning and being forced to help with worry over Rich asking us for help.

I think we'd tried to preempt that by picking up before he asked, but when he came into the living room while we were writing with the vacuum, we did pretty bad as to having regressions. Maybe I'll remember more of this later, but for now that's enough. Better we be moving forward. It does remind me that I should make sure we posted from last week, I seem to think we might have saved something that didn't get posted. We aren't writing as much now so when it does happen we want to make sure it gets included. Hold on let me check that out.

Hmm, ok, I guess we were writing about what had happened to some degree as to the sexual nature and kind of attention CS was requiring whether or not she was conscious of it. That's some of what we had tried to avoid up top, but ... yeeks they are chanting in the background with all that Anti-Obama stuff. I've been really upset with all that business. I'm of the mindset against Representative Joe Wilson telling Obama while he was speaking to both that he lied. I think there is so much anti-Obama or anything Democratic, and that's getting a lot of air time. It's very much against negotiating anything that could be beneficial for all, but mostly republican's don't seem to like that government has a hand in health care. It's such a fallacy, because so many get government support especially those who are retired. I think they wash there hands of what happens to mankind, although they continue to receive services. They are against any responsibility of making sure everyone is covered. I think somehow they place those others as needy people who aren't doing their share. This is the same group walking around as holier than though and fighting for hand gun support. I just can't say enough of how negative that all feels to me. Yeeks!

Ok, enough of that. We just got up and used the washroom, poured some coffee, and found some grapes that Rich left for us. We've been eating too much food since Rich left, but that might just be some nervousness of him not being here. We feel more protected when he is here even when he is driving us crazy with his needs that we should be doing more than takes place from the corner of this couch.

Ok, we're getting blocked here again. Better that we try to begin again ... what is it that we think about that feels safe. We've started to clean up in here when we stand up and the last time up we opened the main curtain in the living room for bright light. It's part of what we need to do to get moving according to Rich's preferences. I don't think he says that we can't do the writing or quilt or anything in that direction, but he wants us to do good for us practical things too. Like I'm pretty sure he'd like for us to get our shower and go to the gym. Maybe we'll have to plan that in.

Ok, placing that into our consciousness ... why don't we set a time frame? Hmm? Girls, what do you think? It's about 11:30 am now. I'm pretty sure that if we went we would prefer to go do the walking over the swimming. That's become much safer feeling when we go with Rich. We didn't seem to get out or remember that option this week, but then things were pretty busy. Rich and us went to bed about 6:30 pm on Wednesday so he could be meeting Bob by 1 am Thursday morning so they could get to their fishy place in time.

We've found ourselves a little overwhelmed since. We were at work both days, but just doing the minimum of tasks. We spent a lot of time doing stuff that I don't remember, but it was computer orientated. Maybe that will come back to me after a while.

But, as to that morning being up, we were up since 12:30 and fell asleep about 6:15 - 6:45 am, then we went to work. I know that we were doing a lot of stuff around the FB. We found ourselves too looking for others that had been at my senior high. I'm not sure why this has become so important for me. I don't really NEED more relationships ... I've got plenty although most of my relating is done over the computer and especially over FB. I don't have personal friends that can like come over to my place. I'm ok with that, but sometimes get lonely.

Hmm, just caught sight of the kitties ... they had done something fight like for just a second. It reminded me that we'd taken some pictures of them that morning while we were up. We've been posting a lot of pictures to the computer. Half of the pictures of the two cats being together were blurred, but that seems to have just lent to the excitement of that morning. They were both up on the arm of the couch just to the left of me. It seems that they are done napping now and want to play a bit. Somehow it seems like they have taken to CS plastic cutting board. Rich tipped it over and they like to sit or lay on it. Now they are doing some kitty charging at each other. They both seem to want land rights to the board. We'll see how that goes.

Hmm, lightweight thinking here. One of the friends from the past that we'd connected too was Sara Jorde. She was a tough girl that lived at the other end of 6th street. Because we lived together so closely we switched schools together, and I'm not sure, but I thought she's been a girl scout during the early days, but I'm not sure of this part. I remember mostly of knowing her, but really appreciating her in the 6th grade when 30 of us from the same grade over a two block radius got switched over to a school in the next town over. It was a horrible thing for the school district to do as we had reached our final year of elementary school. We were supposed to be at the top, and instead we were split into 5 classrooms and we didn't know anyone.

Sara was placed in our classroom and I remember sitting next to her and wanting to be her friend. To some degree we were friends. I don't remember exactly how close, but I always admired her though most likely didn't understand her much. I know she was someone on the other side of our other Sarah friend who'd died in 4th grade. This also was the splitting of our friend Judy Nosebush or something like that. I think what had happened is by then we were comin in and out of or at least coming in and out of some kind of conscious process of having multiple parts. Sara represented a tougher part of us than the follower we'd seemed to be with Judy and her friends.

I remember conscientiously not talking to Judy and her becoming upset or concerned over why we were fighting. I don't think I could put it in words, but for the most part had decided within us that we didn't want anything to do with her. I had become a good friend of a girl named Lee and we'd been working on a few projects together. Lee though moved on to becoming a student like the rest of this school at an opposing high school to the one we were sent back to and that included our siblings and other people we'd become estranged from.

Sara at that time went to different social circles than we'd been in. I don't know, but I think she was with the group that did smoking, maybe drinking and such, like Carol Ann Barnwell my best friend when we were really small and who lived directly next door. I wouldn't be on any of this though, because the truth is its more a sense than direct memories. I always maintained respect of Sara. There was some feeling even now that she'd had a difficult life, but I didn't know why. There was so much separation. I think I fell in line with more people who had been in band. She wasn't a musician.

Most likely though we kept in touch visually in that we must have ridden the same buses to school over the next how many years until one or both of us started driving to class.

I think now that I remember some sense of teasing. Maybe she teased me for being overly "good." I don't know when perhaps with her, I felt more daring. I probably was doing a lot of separating from my "church" self. I'm not sure maybe Sara was in my confirmation class too? I'm just not sure. Just she'd always been around. I had a lot to rebel from in that I was having a terrible life with my family and had desperately needed friendship.

One way or another, this last couple of days, Sarah accepted my friendship in FB. I've felt pretty honored over it. It turns out that she's gay and in a relationship with a woman who is black. She seemed pretty nice ... her face and demeanor in the few pictures I saw seemed friendly and closely held to Sara as a friend or partner. There were pictures of other things, but as well camping. I don't think this was something the two of them did often, and it seemed more like Sara's friend probably had to be coaxed :) The other thing that was cool about Sarah is that it appears she took up photography as a career. You gotta know that fascinates me. We giggled as we presented this to Dr. Marvin as having found someone who is even BETTER at valuing the camera. Of course, we are like into our first month or so of amateur, and it seems that Sarah might have been doing it for over the last 30 years or so. Ok, slight difference, but just the same it felt like an important tie.

The other thing I wanted to say which was an important note in my mind was that Sara had a beautiful face. It seems to have bared many hardships, but maybe she's had it different. Most likely though she's gone through a lot of which, I can hardly think of knowing. She does seem to have a lot of close friends, particularly women. I think I'm probably to wooshy for her to consider as a serious friend, but I'd like to know her anyway. I'll have to consider over the next few days if we're going to make a formal appeal to friendship or if we're going to stay lurking. At this point we're feeling pretty shy. Maybe we were like that all the time? Not sure.

Probably should be leaving well enough alone for the time being, but did want to say that we've come back to these thoughts fairly often in wanting to reach out more. Just not sure of our bearing.

Ok, that must have seemed like a challenge. We didn't like the thought of losing our connection to this person. So we wrote a long paragraph re-introduction of ourselves. Ended up by asking her how the hell was she? I didn't pretend to be any closer than we were, but there's still this sense of having had a strong connection if not just for an important moment. I'll have to be patient now to see if she writes back. I'm not sure at all what kinds of thoughts she has of that time, or time now. I just know that she accepted my link for friendship and we've come together at least that far. We'll see. Maybe we'll just stay in contact through reading of each other and spying the portraits, but even that now seems better than not. Like to think as much as anyone we could get to know each other.

I can't say enough of our appreciation over FB and it's ability to connect people. As a multiple it seems a little strange in that with all our segregating of thoughts and such as go with people over the course of our life ... there is now some kind of connection. Most of the time when I make an entry or leave a picture or comment, I'm not thinking so much about the over-contact or giving of personal thoughts to near strangers, it seems more like anyone is as much or as potentially as much a friend as the next. I'm specially happy to have some closer contact to the boys. It sort of replaces those feelings of loss I've had over the years in not talking to them sometimes months or more. I'm not happy to see some of the stuff they have to go through, but am really appreciating being at least this much in touch. I'm hoping I'm not feeling invasive on their thoughts. But, then this would be the one of me in low-self-esteem. I would hope somewhere that they read me too and take some appreciation of me. BUT, we also know that Joe corrected us at one point ... I'm not sure if it was as direct as I'm thinking it was now, but pretty much he told me not to be connecting with him and Cari as much as we might have been.

I don't always hold this cold thought, but sometimes come to realize it. Hmm, I'm wondering ... I wonder if we could go out tomorrow with him. I don't think I have enough money though. I know I don't have money in the bank and I've only got $50 of the $60 Rich left me. I'm afraid about $30 of that has to go for gas. Better not go out on that limb. I know that if they would go out I would put myself in the position of wanting to pay for it.

I had left a message before last weekend about maybe doing something next weekend. Hmm, maybe I could leave that message now. By then I will have the next paycheck. Hmm?

Ok, we'll have to let the chips fall where they may. We sent him a text message. It seems like our phone is acting up again. I think it means we have to take the battery in and out, but it's probably telling us we need a new battery. He responded by saying that he'd probably have to talk to her later. We just responded "K, thanks." I'm pretty sure that will be it of the communication. I won't contact him again unless he contacts me. He's got this funny part about him which is blocked off from me as someone who is a safe or good person.

I remember that he'd gone to my grandmother's funeral and had said some unkind things and one of the conclusions was that he'd prefer he choose the times we connect, and didn't like me reaching out to him. But, I find if I don't try and connect, then neither will he. I was happy when he contacted me to say he was getting married, but we are at an extreme distance in thinking that he'd ever want to talk to me privately about such a thing first or during. This kind of thing feels like a lot of hurt that is a path I don't want to go down. Just have to progress in life and connect when we can. I'm not sure all of what goes into his thoughts of me, but obviously I've made my share of mistakes, and he's grown into a person that most often I don't recognize, some of which comes from his father, but other that comes from within himself. He's pretty direct in his likes and dislikes. I think of him as a black and white person, and right now I'm on the wrong colored horse. *sigh*

Maury is busy this weekend with a rummage sale he and Lauren are having. I think they are trying to get rid of a lot of there stuff. I have some interest in going over to see how they are doing, but again I feel my sense of separation from them. I know he's busy and is doing what he has to do to go through the separation process he has to go through with Lauren. I think they will always maintain some kind of relationship because of the girls, but they both seem to realize before the house gets sold, they have to get rid of some of the insides. That I don't particularly need to see. It seems real sad. I also don't feel as giving as I've seen Cari and Jacki my ex' wife in holding up a relationship to Lauren. The way I feel is that she's separate now and I don't have to be around her and would prefer not. I'm pretty sure she feels the same.

That's as far as I want to to go there. We'll have to see how things go as they both go together in separating their lives. I know that I'm here as much as Maury can tolerate. I know that he prefers his father, brothers, and friends over time with me. But, like Joe and Thom I don't know exactly what I do to turn them off. Sometimes I want to know to figure out how to be better or more important in their lives, and other times ... I feel like I just have to accept what's left. I do feel some anxiety in that the choices to be more separate are coming from them and not me. I don't know if the multiplicity is a big or small part of it. It does seem unless one of them needs help which is seldom, they don't have much need for me or at least enough parts so that they are uncomfortable with us. I don't know what to do with that. I think my ease of crying over things like this is part of which separates them from us. I don't think they like it that I can become emotional and I'm sure they would think of me as excessively needy. Again that stems from their life with their father and perhaps those years separated from them.

I'm very glad at the time I didn't understand how bad the relationship between us would become because I'm absolutely sure I never would have survived it. Even now thinking about the distance, I find myself thinking over suicidal type thoughts which I haven't had for such a long time. Then I think of Dr. Marvin and I'm pretty sure that even having these thoughts is a bad sense of the past of wanting to have some attention. I've become a bad person to them and it breaks my heart.

Oh dear we're crying again. I don't usually follow my feelings of being a mom to this degree. Maybe it is time to take a couple minutes break. I'm pretty sure I need to use the washroom, maybe take a shower, and get a fresh cup of coffee. Things will be ok, right?

There that's better and we came back with a fudgsicle too. WooHOO!

Ahh that was a decent break. We toppled on Obama's speech on CNN. We hadn't noticed it was coming up until there he was saying Hello Minneapolis! Hello St. Paul! I really appreciated his speech because the nay-Sayers have been so strong this last month or two. I don't want to stay in this space, but I thought the speech was gifted. I'm thinking maybe we'll turn off the news for awhile, because I don't want to here this other stuff against Obama and support for health plans for everyone.

Whoo Hoo! I'm not sure how we got started in this, but we had taken our iPod to get synced for some reason with the big computer and it wanted us to update the rhapsody account or the iTunes or something. Oh yes I remember now we were going to play music instead of listening to CNN. Anyway there was a bunch of fumbling, but it seems that Rhapsody and Apple finally got together because Rhapsody had offered for $2 more a feature called Rhapsody to Go. I rent Rhapsody for $12 a month and would be very pleased to pay extra $2 more to get the service on our iPod. Before they had only funky connection devises, but through one of the updates they were saying they were now able to sync with iPod phones and touch. I couldn't be more happy. It was touch and go to see if I could make the connections, especially since my credit card has rocked out BUT we did it. We're now hearing Sarah Brightman over the ear phones! This is the thing that makes my day the brightest! WOOHOO!!! I can pick out my own music now while at the gym.

Oh man I'm being tickled pink!

I really like my subscription to Rhapsody. I can play about any kind of music I can imagine over each of my computers and now over the iPod without having to pay the prices of albums. Naturally I don't own the music - I do have the option to pay for it, but now there is no reason not too. Wow!

Hmm, I'm seeing CS at the quilt show with a ribbon on standing next to her quilt. I can't see what the sheet on the quilt says and I don't know what kind of ribbons they have. It seems to be a light colored one and it doesn't look red or blue. I'm not sure what that means. We texted her to see what it was, but we'll wait patiently ... one way or another it is a beautiful quilt. I would think that Carol her friend would be proud to have it. We'll see. It might be too noisy for her to have picked up the message. She does look happy, so we'll go with that. She might be feeling the happy mood of everything she's seeing and experiencing. No matter what the place she has a lot to be proud of having made the competition.

I think I should be planning on going to the gym if I'm going to go, but that would take a random act of faith to get me dressed and out the door, but there is the thing I could be walking to Sarah Brightman and feel so much happier afterward. I wouldn't want to run out of battery before I got there. They are fresh now and too the gym is only open until 7 pm on Saturdays and Sundays. I'd rather type, but sure would be pleased to make our fishyman happy when he calls to ask what we did today.

I am sorta stoked now. :) Ok, you know you want it! Just gotta get dressed dears, hmm?

WooHOO! We got back now ... we went to the gym and everything! I'm so excited. I have to leave a FB message ... going to the gym is a big deal, but going with Sarah Brightman WOW!!!!

AHA! Done Deal! I am surprised by how fast the day has gone. I feel like I've barely written anything. I am pretty much in a good mood. I think if I had the next week off work I'd be in a GREAT mood. *sigh* Ok, it's not that good, but ... shoot, I can hardly wait until we retire! Pretty much we'd be better, but we've always got CARF hanging over our head and that's a lot. I wish there was some other way to get it done without the panicky feelings we feel. I got to keep it in perspective and just do it a little better. But, today IS the day to give it a break, right?

Let's see is there anything else I'd like to accomplish? Probably not, except maybe after a while, we should have some kind of dinner, and then maybe work on the Quilt stuff ... We haven't made any progress there. Part of what we talked to Dr. Marvin was was that he thought CS exposing herself so much to Rich was her learned way of demanding attention. I felt embarrassed about it, but more from the point of view of embarrassed for being in a family such as this.

It's really an unfair thing because I think that different people are reading the situation differently and I'm sure that my impression of it is the worst. Pretty much we're feeling the horror of sexuality from the abuses of past. Talking to Rich - he didn't see the problems that I saw. I know when this stuff happens, it usually isn't the situation itself, but what we're bringing with it from the past. A lot of women where clothing that allows cleavage to show. Don't know where we are getting this level of horror. I mean I know it's from the past, but I can't pin it down I don't know where it's coming from ... why is this freaking me out so much? I don't seem to be able to let it go even with talking to Dr. Marvin about it.

Maybe part of it is that Rich refuses to see my perspective. Not that he should share the same one, he didn't go through the same experience. But, I would like him to see that I'm pretty freaked out ... well, maybe he does see that too, but only from the perspective of oh shoot ... am I going to have to fix her again? Better slow her down at the passe.

Thinking now how much Rich stays in his Rich space. Nothing is too far between him going on the last trip to the next trip. Really if given a choice because that's where he wants to be, we'd like him to be there. Sometimes though it's nice to share. Hehehe WELL actually we share quite a bit all considering he has a separate life from us. He's such a honey bunny. *sigh* Ok, girls lets not go there again, ok? Best we be appreciating no one telling us what to do for a bit. Hmm?

I don't know how long I'll be able to listen to Sarah Brightman over the earphones, without needing to charge it. I forgot to mark the time we started listening to it. I know that we will just have to go back to listening to her out of our computer speakers which are good. But it sure is fun hearing her only between our ears. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.

It's by the way about 5 pm now. I'm thinking that maybe we should order out tonight since Rich left money, but no direct food that was made. I know we could have soup or something, but we ate out of a can for lunch. He had gotten some Beefaroni that is a left over enjoyment from growing up. Maybe my mother didn't know how to cook, or rather chose not to do it often, but we did make do out of this particular can and that sense of security still shines now. Ok, be it more special to us than you. But, again stepping into another perspective, right?

Ok, enough of that.

I don't want to put all the weight back on, but I should get something for tonight and tomorrow. So, do I go Chinese or Italian? I think that is pretty much the extent of our delivery options. Yup, yup you can be sure we're not going out again. I would like to get out again though tomorrow for the gym. We felt really strong today with the music. We pushed her up to 2.6 most of the time, and then did the last 3 minutes at 2.8. That's pretty good in that we started so much less.

We were a little shaky at the end, but almost ran up the stairs when we got home. Nice! Just don't want to overdue it so going back the next time is overly hard, hmm?

Ok, so ... dinner. Do we have any menus? Might as well go look. BRB

Ok, that is good. We just ordered a medium pan pizza. That should keep us for 2-3 days. Usually when I get pizza I eat it for dinner, breakfast, lunch, etc. I think again we're back to that poor Ann though. We might not have had the same control over food when very young, but it doesn't have to be the same now. Right? I like to get pan or deep dish sometimes when Rich isn't here. I put vegetables on it in contrast to his meat lovers thin crust pizza. Blah!

I don't think it's going to be here for over an hour though. I thought that might happen at dinner time on a Saturday night. Best let those thoughts go for a while. Probably sometime about 6:30 pm.

I wish I had some money so I could order a pizza for Maury too. Been thinking all day of him at that Rummage sale. He's probably not going to have much of a voice left. I think it would be hard to give up all the STUFF that you've put together as your life. I saw something in FB about furniture, gym equipment and all that sorta stuff going. I hope he was able to keep Thom's table and not sell that. I don't think he would because he didn't want to see Joe selling it, but then Maury's couches and gym equipment was Thom's too and that was all slated to be sold. The kids have all had their ups and downs in life. I guess we could think of this period as they are cleaning up their old messes. You know - like in starting fresh. I feel bad though in thinking of the girls are going through this with the adults. I don't know if they are selling toys too, but I can't imagine they are going to keep all of them. Probably he'll sell the marbles too. It's one of the few things we got for the girls. It's ok. I hope it brings them much needed income.

Best to let all that go. If he wanted me involved he could have asked.

I think we went through something earlier when thinking of the boys. I don't think I could go as far as calling them a big disappointment to me, but there are times I really regret the relationship I have with them. I don't think I deserve what I'm getting from them. But, then how couldn't that be the case. There's this part of being a mom that puts your children raised above you. I'd give my life for the boys without a doubt. But, I don't know how to deal with the hurt of being so estranged. Even with Maury living here on his off-days when he can't find a better place to lay his head. He doesn't ever sit down. He goes from the door to his room, and from his room to the shower and then back out the door. It's as if there was something so wrong with us that he can't even afford to have a conversation. It hurts.

We have to keep putting those kinds of thoughts out of our minds though because they are not productive. And, having those kinds of thoughts gives the boys proof that we are draining them.

Sometimes I look at people in all kinds of relationships whether real life or on TV. I don't understand what I would have had to do or yet to do to get my boys to have normal conversations where they call me up or let me call them just to say ... hey how the hell are you doing? Would you like to drop over, or can I drop over? I don't understand the hardship that I'm presenting them.

This isn't getting me any further though. I feel like I'm butting my head up to a brick wall. I don't see it getting better. It doesn't seem to matter if the boys have other friendships, love lifes or not. Anything seems better than settling into some kind of relationship with them that be comfortable with me.

How do I not feel like the biggest loser? Ok, stop, stop. THE END, k? Time to go on or you are going to have to stop writing!

Ok, ok ... I get it. Just don't know how to get rid of the aching. The desire for just the ... OK ... we're WARNING YOU!

Ok, like you thought THAT wasn't going to get erased?

Best we take the anger out of our system at the gym, k?

Is someone feeling a little bad for being alone this weekend? I think its been a while since we've had so much time left to our own devices. There is a real Earthy place that wants to be by myself. Thinks this is my REAL life. But, I don't know if I could say that it isn't with anger that I say it. It was sorta like when I lost my husband. I remember standing in the bathroom to my lower apartment. I think we'd been going through suicidal thoughts. I remember strongly the sentiment that I was going to survive in SPITE OF HIM! That's sort of how I feel with the boys. I will survive IN SPITE OF THEM!

Man ... I'm a Mom. Do I really want to be caught with those thoughts? Hey ... weren't we going to stop those thoughts?

I don't know how we can feel so good and so terrible all at the same time. What would it take for a person on the outside of our minds to understand our conflicts? We've been wrestling all day with suicidal thoughts and feelings. Just nicking the corner of our brain. There's absolutely nothing wrong with our life. But, here we sit agonizing with our thoughts. I think it's different parts of our being that are finally having a chance out. I guess that not all of us feel as strongly going forward.

Ok, what's on the negative and what's on the positive. I can see the boys are definitely on the negative. Rich is more a neutral. We really need to take breaks from each other ... I need to find our minds and he wants to share himself with the guys. I'm trying to believe CS is a positive. I'm really happy about her quilt progress. I don't feel very much a part of all that now. I think from talking to Dr. Marvin I realized that I was causing her angst. Basically, he said we didn't do anything wrong, but that CS puts a lot of stock in the quilts as being a good thing she can gain self-esteem from ... and then there I was.

I pushed her ... it isn't my business to do that. I thought that we were collaborating. But, then we saw her defenses go up and she's grind the work to a stop. That really pissed us off so we pushed back. It was like then just give us the sewing machine and we'll do it ourselves. I know that really made her defensive because she's also big on materialism. I figured that taking a break this weekend would be a good deal. I'm feeling frustration with it though I know in my higher minds that its just a relationship type issue that we are just both facing in dealing with each other. I knew I had to give her over to her other accomplishments and also over to Carol which is tough, but I know that she is CS closest friend.

I'm pretty sure they were going to be discussing my situation fully. Carol would be inquisitive and feeling left out with us there so much and she would be sensitive to put slivers between us. It's just the type of person we figure her to be. We had watched what she did to CS in the relationship to Mark. I remember that whole deal of backing away. Our primary relationship is with CS. CS threw mark under the wheel in expecting and manipulating that I be there with him without her, so she could be pissed off about that too. Uh -uh ... not going there!

The collaborating point of view is that we'd work together. If she doesn't want to or can't do that. I should probably put the work aside. I don't know if she would ever want to go there, but I'm not going to fight it over the importance of the relationship. For me it had given us a way to share ourselves with each other. If it's so important to her that she'd sabotage the efforts, then we'll back away. And, if she wants to cradle going back into the manipulations of Carol, then fine. We don't need that, won't take it. I've got enough relationship issues of trying to be ok in my world.

I seem to be settling for the relationships in FB as being enough. I don't need anyone to come over. Why the hell would I want to share a pizza with someone? ACK!!!! What the fuck are we doing to ourselves? What's going on? Why are we having such negative paranoid type thoughts? Hmm, thinking that we might want to not wait so long before having our medicine. I know that we took it this morning. Rich would probably be asking by now if we hadn't taken it. Yes dear. We're on time.

I'm feeling pressured for time off and feeling that I feeling the force of CARF and Annuals in that I have to be back at work on Monday, but I don't seem to be relaxing. I've had the whole day to myself and we're still on the edge. We even did the gym. SOMEBODY enjoyed that? We're still listening to the music. I know that somewhere we enjoyed that. Why is it so hard now then to have positive thoughts. Am I the depressed part that is bringing us down. Again ... we're feeling that words suicidal. What the fuck is going on with that?

Why are we feeling so much pressure toward that direction? Maybe we are just feeling a sense of abandonment. Dr. Marvin had made us wait the extra day for the appointment, Rich is gone, the boys are never here, we have no friends, we've dismissed our sister. Shoot there's no one left but us and we're sure as hell no good to anyone including ourselves. Man this feels like a fucked up rabbits hole. Why are we being so negative?

Ok, let's say that it is some sense of abandonment. What would get us out of there. How could we respect that some of us in the system are going through it - so in a sense leave a marker, but just for going back to Dr. Marvin.

Just played around for a bit fiddling with one thing or another. We are now listening to Enya. We figured it was time to slow it down a bit. I'm starting to really feel hungry, but it is about 6:30 pm, so probably any time now. Trying to put blocks in our head to make things feel a little more safe. I last left off with a thought that maybe we could leave a message on Dr. M's voice mail. I don't want to be having this problem though. I think if there's some way I could just will it away that would be the thing to do.

We're having flickering thoughts of knives and pills. Shoot, shoot this is like giving it attention. I don't want Rich to call us and for us to tell him that we aren't handling being on our own and that he might have to give up something to make us safe. That would be like insane. I have to be able to be on our own. We're just going through something left over from where we were with Dr. Marvin yesterday, right? We'll feel better with a pizza and we might have to stop writing.

We're back again. It's now just after 8:30 pm. We've been relaxing on the couch or rocker for a while. We ate too much pizza ... well 1 1/2 pieces as much as stayed down. We then watched a CNN special with Anderson Cooper and Dr. Gupta on Afghanistan. We started watching Larry King with Judge Judy, but we'd caught the majority of that interview before. I didn't want to here it enough so that we got up and am back at the writing again. I turned on some soft nature/guitar music - new age and I'm really hoping that Sir Sweetie Pie is going to call soon. It was a rough spot earlier. We've been able to stop those kinds of thoughts, but am not sure if I'll do ok with it now back at the keyboard.

I find I have needs to be communicating and we had thought that the devices would be charged up now enough to use for a while. Again just wanted to slow down the music and that's gone well. We did take our medicine a while ago too ... pretty much after our stomach settled down from the pizza. I had ordered a vegetable, but I didn't know they were going to put in spinach. Yeeks that turned out not to be such a good deal. I might have to suffer through it not to waste the pizza, but I'm not real heavily into that stuff. Kind of a mean trick to include it in a REGULAR vegetable pizza ... I was thinking more green peppers, onions and mushrooms.

Hmm, the kitty just came over to lay down by my calves. That would then have to be Chief. Earlier he'd fretted around until he'd gotten in a comfortable position of laying on my chest against my neck. I think they really crave time we're not spending with Rich, because if he's around chances are he's getting petted and cuddled more than them. They are now making up for lost time.

I'm not sure if we're really up too much with writing into the evening. We don't really want to give up the day to going to sleep, but then again, we're not really in a space that we're thinking overly much. Relax, right? Do we have a set of thoughts that involve that? What do we think about when we don't have to think about anything?

We might just do some of the quilting tomorrow even after mental reservations to not do that until things settle down for CS and us. But, then just now we looked over to a little stack of remnants and we had the longings to go back over so we could be touching the material again. It's a little too dark and late now to be going into it right now.

Shoot, shoot, isn't sweetie pie going to call? I'm thinking they must have gotten into a card game and it's going to be too late for him to call when he gets a chance unless he's losing and going to bow out of the game early.

We kept getting interrupted due to texting with CS. She's wrapping up her night. It really wasn't a bad interruption, but the phone is connected to the headphone too, so every time I get a message the music is interrupted. I decided to turn it back to some 60's pop music station. I reconfigured the applications somehow with the last download, so I decided to reset the bottom part ... I was pretty close to knowing how to do that. :) You just hold down the application you want to bring down to the bar. So I left the music which get's me to the podcasts I listen to so much and then I put on it Rhapsody and Ambiance the one I usually listen to for my white noise. I also left on the one to iTunes. That's just too handy yet. I let go of the photos to the regular group and I had an empty hole. I didn't remember I knew how to do it til tonight.

Ok, moving on ... remember writing a long time ago looking for content too. I'm still trying to skirt around the suicidal thoughts. We're not actively planning so that's a good sign. I know that if it gets worse, I'll put a message on Dr. M's phone. He probably won't get it until Monday, but I don't want to do that unless it gets worse. Little things like holding out for hunny bunnies call seem to be making a difference. I don't want to give him a bad report that we're not doing well enough without him. I don't want him to worry when he gets an opportunity to get away.

We did good. Took a shower and did the gym and it wasn't like pulling an arm and leg ... that's good, right?

I'm a little fidgety. It probably be good to put ourselves to sleep, but if Rich knows he's waking us up he'll cut off the phone call extra short. We don't want that. Poor kitty keeps getting moved. I was warm so I took off the blanket, but Chief doesn't realize how warm he gets sitting on my feet. He looks a little put off now. Ok, he said ... it's not going to be a crisis.

Am I afraid to think? Things we've been talking about seem more like housekeeping items. Hmm, if Rich still calls he's going to want me to go to bed in the bed. How are we going to get past that. Ok, focus. What is that we want to think about that would give us some peace. If we're not thinking categorically like we were in Dr. M's office what would we think about? Do we have any fun thoughts that are different than therapeutic.

The music is nice. Maybe that's ok too that we just be listening to the music? It's ok, we don't have serious thoughts? We're driving ourselves a little crazy here. Trying to figure out who I am without others. Am I anyone?

I should probably be watching a movie or something to get my attention off of where we're at, but I don't want to be up all night. I'm sorta looking forward to ending this day and waking up with a new day fresh. I don't think Rich is going to be back until very late tomorrow because he had to drive about 7 hours and they won't start back until 1 or 2 pm.

Shh babies. It's going to be ok.

WooHOO! We got to talk to Rich. He said that he was going to go to bed too. We talked over the day a little. He was happy that we went to the gym and he said that he probably wouldn't be able to walk as far as me, but I know he could. We did end up telling him about having the bad thoughts and he said like we said he would. He doesn't want to have to worry about me when he goes. I told him about getting the music and he seemed happy enough about that, but we didn't talk about it a lot.

He caught two fish and Bob didn't catch any. I was glad that he did ok, but I feel bad for Bob. BUT, I don't have to worry about Bob's emotions like I have to worry about Rich's, right?

posted by Ann Marie @ 9/13/2009 04:45:00 AM Comments: 0