When this ended we went way into regressed :(
Good morning. This is me and it's now Labor Day. It's about 9:30 am. We're done with the last phase except the bathroom. Hmm, maybe I better get this done right away. Hold on.Ok, we got that done too. Just a second of organizing ... had to make sure that anything on top of the counter belonged there. I'm feeling much better about the place now. Rich is still picking up in the back, but it is his stuff. I've cleaned off the surfaces and floor of the living room, kitchen, bathroom and as much as I could of the bedroom. The rest is Rich's stuff. He's also broght down a load of clothes and we'll help him there when it comes up. I'd like him to do the vacuuming in here before I start my next project for sewing. It feels better in here when things are picked up.
We've had a very busy weekend. We went to Rich's Mom's place on Saturday and CS's yesterday. It was a bit of driving, but not too much. We got into taking pictures on both trips. They're posted on Facebook. I don't know if anyone is patient enough to go through them, but they mean something to me. It's like the whole trip is locked into my mind from a pictorial view. I think most of the time we're taking pictures Rich is pretty quiet and I'm pretty absorbed. I'm looking for things with the slightest of discrepencies, plus there is some things I go back to fairly often. I like taking pictures of overpasses, electrical wires, and varieties of houses and farms.
Maybe this is going to get old after a while, but for the time being I'm really enjoying having the camera and I love how much easier it is to load FB rather than the blog. Times like now I'm still appreciative of the blog as a centering devise, but for pictures - FB is the best. I'm hoping that the older stuff on FB isn't getting lost. I'd still like the idea of having a chronology that lasts forever, but this might just be a little bit of my obsessiveness. We're working on it.
Most of the time at CS was pretty good, but there were a few things that had frustrated us. I think that right now I'm a bit more into the quilting project where CS had legitimate other things that had to get done and held priority over the sewing, but it was hard for me in that we'd gotten there at 10 am and it wasn't until 5 pm an hour before leaving that we got to some place where I had something to do with the quilt process. Mostly I was ironing the binding and quilt for what CS had finally got to sewing together. I am process orientated in that I wanted something to be working on from the start. I really hate to have downtime. Most often I'm listening to CNN I'm doing something like the computer or quilt cutting on the side.
I liked the part where Rich was comfortable enough to take a large part of the conversation when we'd first gotten to CS, but I would have been happier if I'd have something to be working on while the conversation was taking place. I wasn't very much a part of it. I've always like Rich's stories, but I think he dominated the conversation and I think that Mark was enjoying it, but he had a hard time matching up with Rich's quickness and memory. CS tried to interject, but her conversation was of a lesser point of view ... and Rich was talking in a specialist area that didn't allow anyone to do much but listen. I think CS was getting bored, because she's used to fairly dominating the conversation.
Me? I just pretty much listened and watched what was going on. I was so happy that Rich was comfortable talking, I didn't try to interrupt. That was the first thing my sister said after there was a break - Well, I don't think he had any trouble talking after all. Later after lunch when Mark went to work, Rich sat on the couch with his computer and TV and played poker and napped through the next session ... at that point I did most of the listening to CS. She talked about things that we're happening with her and family and things she was working on. That was ok, and I was glad I could give her some time in that area. It wasn't the kind of stuff that Rich would like to listen to, but he was comfortable giving up the floor.
I think it was mostly girl chatter. I couldn't answer anything for CS nor was she asking me to solve the problem. I think she just needed a sympathetic ear.
She took a look at some of the projects that I'd cut out and we agreed finally that the one that was just getting finished was going to be for Joe's wedding - that was the log one that's in deep green's and reds. I thought it should have gone to her because she'd wanted something new for her bed. We've cut out 2 more sets of the same pattern, so she said she'd be willing to wait just to make sure we had Joe's and Cari's done in time. I thought that was nice of her. I think too she wanted to make sure that it got a good backing. She has a lady who does specially that and contracts a business out of doing the backs of quilts. She's quite good and CS has 3 dates with her to do quilts. I think she's really going to try getting out the quilt this week.
It's really a beautiful quilt.
Then after looking through some of the other patterns, she thought we should work on a specific one that had a lot of little pieces in it that surrounded a house. I thought that was fine. But, I recommended that since there was going to be so much ironing that she wait until next weekend when I come up. But, then she's arranged to go to a quilt fair with her best friend. I'm of course invited to come with, but I don't know how long I'll be able to tolerate the noise. I think that I'll arrange to go whereever it is in a separate vehicle so I can leave whenever I need to without getting cranky. That should work, and it will give CS and Carol a chance to talk about the kind of stuff they like to talk about that might frustrate us. It might be good too, but I don't want to get trapped into a situation of doing or listening to stuff I'm not interested in.
I'm pretty sure they have their own set of things they talk about or discuss when they are together. I'm fine with leaving that alone.
I'm worried about being on my feet and I'm worried about losing time to the quilt project that i'm most interested in. I think that if CS is going to be on her feet all day that she's going to be too tired. I'm presuming at this point we're going on Saturday, but I'm not sure of that part. I think more than 2-3 hours is going to be too much for me.
Looking on the positive side, I am interested in what's being done out there in the field. I might have to leave my credit card at home. I think it's a good introduction to the field - I'm just worried about the number of people and noise and busyness that we'll be subjected to. I am going to have to get a grip on it and maybe take an extra anxiety pill. *Sigh*
I had a hard time yesterday in that CS added last moment that Nathan and Dani would be coming with us to lunch. To be fair, she had text messaged it, but I hadn't picked it up. We've explained before that we are not closely attached to the text messages because we have so many coming in from CNN and we just don't want to be that tied to something controlling our time. Pretty much we'll look at it when we can, but it's not uncommon to have over a hundred messages before we look at it.
It was very frustrating too in that I tried to get a sense of when we were going out to lunch and when Mark would have to leave for work, but she was dancing around it not telling me exactly what the plans were. You know me enough with Rich where I just want to know when I have to be at the door and then we'll be ready and we can as a multiple system plan our needs around it. But, then all of a sudden we were being rushed and told we had to be leaving in exactly a certain time. We learned that when Mark was suggesting that he and Rich go to the store. I don't know why that was important, but all of a sudden CS was pushing her agenda still with not saying that Nathan and Dani were going to be waiting at a certain time.
After listening to it enough ... I finally fairly demanded to know why we had to be at the restaurant by 1 pm exactly. That's when she finally told me. She probably has a fairly good grasp on this kind of stress it adds to our system, because I hate to be manipulated. She starts out with I'll be paying for it meaning her, but that's only part of it ... I just don't like surprises because it doesn't give our parts enough time to adjust and it leaves me feeling very out of control to be told what to do, or my choice in the events taken away.
I was pretty riled up by the time we got to the car. There was a question about which car to go in, but by then I knew that we needed a separation. I needed to decompress. Poor Rich got the worst of it. I was pretty adamently complainy. And, I'd been upset because my sister was showing so little decorum as to her body presence in front of Rich. She sat ackwardly on the chair presenting herself outward and found occasions in general, and when petting the dog and then brushing him, and then working over the computer, to be flashing her cleavage out. By that I mean she was wearing a low cut shirt and kept bending herself forward onto Rich. I don't know if she conscientiously knew what she was doing, but I was being very repulsed by it.
I think too at one point she saw that I'd been pretty strongly petting one of the dogs. I was trying to release some of the pressure that I was feeling, but then she came toward me over the same dog by dragging her chair forward. I don't know how this sort of thing works, but I was terrified and needed immediate distance and I couldn't back out of it so was fairly paralyzed and in a shocked state where all my senses were flashing danger.
I think some of the feelings I was feeling was a run-off from my mother. I remember years where she wore the same low cut shirts as to be showing cleavage ... this always repulsed me. Where it is perfectly normal for me to want to walk around naked it is something done in private. Even when wearing a swimming suit I am very conscious of trying to be discrete in things such as forwarded my body on others. I try to stay covered up. Maybe I'm just a prude, but I think this kind of stuff is loaded into the past somewhere of abuse.
I know that it takes a concentrated effort to get past the hugs, but this kind of stuff is just hard and will have to be discussed with Dr. Marvin. I know from what he says that whenever I'm feeling this extra kind of emotion especially as to a crossing of boundaries then I'm somehow living in the past and we need to get past it. It is all of the same family where Dr. Marvin knows that we need to stay on the other side of something even with him. We still have the same problems of being too close to him just when he opens the door for us coming and going.
This last time he was still talking to us when we got to that too close point of getting to the door "with" him. And, like yesterday we were blocked out from being able to converse or focus on any thoughts and were being arrested in terrifying emotions. I think I'm going to leave it for now and hope that it doesn't come back too much until I get a chance to see Dr. Marvin on Friday. The appointment has been changed this week.
Hmm, I just thought that we had pictures of the day yesterday especially with the quilt that hadn't been put on Facebook. There ... we're done there. CS had a chance to look at them and Benita a MarineParent peer looked at them already. Cs put up a note that it was finally good to have it done, but I'll feel better after it goes up North and finalizes it all together. I don't know when Joe and Cari are going to get married, but I'm hoping that they like it. I feel good in that I did so much work on it with all the cuttin and most of the ironing. CS did of course, all the sewing and the finishing will be sent away. But, that's pretty much like a homemade family quilt.
I still haven't taken off Joe's necklace that he had made for my birthday ... It seems in this family that homemade means a lot ... at least from me and hopefully Joe is getting that same sense. I knew that when he was at my Grandmother's funeral he had seemed to show that sense of pride. I think he has it in him. I think due to his efforts at crafting that he has more respect for it than his brothers' have learned. Not to cut them down ... just Joe has learned this different value that runs strong in the family.
Ok, moving past there. We just finished helping Rich with the clothes. We did the load that is my colored stuff. There's usually that load and one for Rich that has to get hung up. Then there's dark socks and underwear and the white load that I usually fold. Rich is still doing the extra work of sorting and bringing up and down the stairs. He had a focus of getting the floors done today. Last I saw him he was in the kitchen. He's trying to take care of his mess on the table and wash the kitchen floor. I would like to get back to the quilt project, but I'll wait til he comes in and does this floor before I take all our stuff out again. Maybe this time I can keep it neater.
There I just put on some smell neutralizer on the carpet floor ... I wanted to get it done before he vacuumed. I hope it helps ... if it does we'll get it more often, but I think we need something more for the cat smells. We'll see maybe when we get money in the account again ... we'll look on line for something. Maybe if I were real good we would dust too, but I'm not up for that much yet. Maybe in a little bit if we can get it done before Rich comes in. Just not that motivated. Too many shelves.
OK, we're not going to get into this big time ... let's move on, K?
We are progressing somewhere, right? We don't know where we left off and am not sure if I like the thought of going back. Seems like I'm supposed to forget something? No, probably not, just want to be moving forward.
Oh man ... Rich just came in and he's thinking of telling me to do something. We're so way not happy about that! I told him we'd do work, but WE'D figure out what to do and we DIDN'T want anyone telling me what to do. Here he comes again. We just had the discussion again. DON'T ask me to do stuff! I'm not like part of the Captain's ship. I'm a whole person. I don't want to take orders from anyone. Especially when I'm busy! I did everything toward picking up without anyone telling me to do ... I done my part.
Shoot now he's in here and he's going to make noise and cause commotion. This is going to be hard on my nerves again. But I think he pretty much gots it I'm not going to do stuff for him. It's not him exactly, because I know he's doing well over his share, it's just that I don't want anything to do with this part. Hmm, thinking here this is probably part of my background. I used to abhor it when my father would come through and make all us stand around waiting to do this or that or move something or clean the bathroom or whatever. I HATED family cleaning day. YUCK, YUCK, YUCK!
Yep, Dr. Marvin would definitely say this is a loaded situation. What did he say ... something about I got to separate the past from the present. I'm not sure how to do that. Maybe I gotta focus on this being Rich making all the vacuuming noise and not my father. Blah, blah! I'm trying very hard not to cry. I sure hope he doesn't ask me to move ... Shoot, shoot ... why do we keep going through this ... I hate to be alive when it comes to this kind of stuff. It shouldn't be so hard.
Ok, we're trying to chill. Trying to watch the vacuum move back and forth and not hurting anyone. CAT just stormed out of here trying to pretend he wasn't next to death too. Oh oh ... he's moving the big rocker. Oh man now he's moving the table. I really don't like that
posted by Ann Marie @ 9/12/2009 11:03:00 AM
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