Ayn's Multiple World

Just a few thoughts before bedtime

Hi hi ... this is me. I know that it's not usual for me to be writing at night, but we'd fallen asleep earlier - about 2 1/2 hours ago and then Rich called and so we feel like we're up again. I had probably been going to bed too early before. It's a little harder to keep up with the motivation when Rich is out of town, but we think we're doing pretty good. I know that I'm going to need to be used to this, because it's going to be a long fishy season.

Rich was feeling a little down tonight. I think the fishing has been pretty poor and his trolling motor is still giving him trouble. There seems to be so many trees under water that he's doing too much bumping into things. There isn't any way to protect that. He says that he's going to be able to get the motor fixed when he gets home and before we go out. I didn't ask specifically, but I'm thinking that we could be going out as soon as the next weekend after he gets here. I think that a lot of the summer is going to be involved with keeping his fishy world going. I think this is a good thing. It seems to really motivate him.

One thing is for sure, he seems to go to bed very tired each night just after he calls us. He says he's talked to his mother the last two nights, but that he was going to miss that tonight because of his level of tiredness.

I told him a little bit of the day ... I have to admit as to working I didn't get too much done. I was absorbed in learning about Kendra. She's such a genious. I know I've tried to look her up before, but I don't know what had kept me from finding out about her. Maybe it was too long ago before she was so well published. She doesn't have anything on the Internet like we do that is more personal giving private information. Her hits are all professional and she's done really a lot with her life.

She's been a Dr. now for about 10 years. She's had a couple of different jobs, but is still based out of Boston. She seems to have gone from working with the navy to business, to owning her own company to now working again with the navy ... it's through a business which seems to be kind of a think tank. I tried to understand better of what she's doing. She has been a major part of developing software that seems to help in figuring out patterns especially now with naval fleets and other ships so that it can understand the differnence between what is normal for that vessel and what isn't.

In one article she talked about pirates and how that if you knew what the ship being attacked was supposed to be doing then you would know when that ship vacilated from course and the small predictabilities that could be learned to conpensate any discrepencies. I think there's a lot more to it and it seems to be feeding into naval intelligence. I think they are trying the program now big time. She is a program manager of this program and the company she works for seems to have almost a couple dozen doctorates all running their own programs so in this respect appeared like a think tank of sorts except they seemed to be applying their knowledge to real life causes.

There seems in general to be a lot of mathematics and engineering involved. In one paper she carefully explained a concept and I found it was one sentence after another of terms and structures that I had little to no knowledge of. I never took math beyond advanced algebra and I didn't take physics or do well in general science. I could follow the diagrams and conversation, but I know I was just skimming and there was so much in information and ability to produce these thoughts that I have no background to understand. Also, what seemed normal for me was that I wasn't able to recall terms or concepts after I'd read a several paragraphs later down the line. Maybe this was because I didn't have a grid built in my mind to understand, but I should have been able to see the term, the explanation, and then remembered but I wasn't able to do this. I remembered a general concept of the whole only.

In general I think this is a good example of what's happned to my mind over time. Basically, I may have been able or even more motivated to know and want to know more, but it has felt teasingly out of grasp.

I was so excited and fascinated to be learning of Kendra it was pretty amazing. At one point after I'd gotten more current information on her projects and programs, I took a risk and looked up the number on her business website ... I was then routed to her phone and I was able to listen to her voice on the message machine. I was so jittery and overrun in emotion for being so close. Just as now I feel tears that are hard for me to understand. I know there is pride in her and a sense of longing to make contact. I won't call her again though so if she doesn't call back or connect through facebook, I will have to assume that she's not interested. I don't know if I would write to her, I would want to, but might think I would be intruding at that point. There's no doubt the phone call went through to her office. I have to trust she'll call if interested in the connection.

I'll have to let things go now ... I've tried not to give too much on her part as much as what my own thoughts and feelings are. I felt very nostaligic and I thought of her importance in my life. There were just a few people who had made a dent as to being someone from my childhood that I would invest time and energy to. You know of the dismal problem in having met Becky and even my cousin Deb. Don't have to do that again. I had a friend named Sue Rystrom I'd like to be in touch with, but compartively Sue, or the other three pals I had that were cross country skiiers, Colleen, Tammy and Liz, there is no one that I would want to be put in touch with.

Becky and I had the strongest relationship during the middle of Jr. High and a couple years into senior high, but we didn't do so much together the last years. Earlier on we used to sleep over her house, but we were younger. I was tied to the three just mentioned and I know there were others, but primarily these three were on a whole entirely different relationship level than I had with Kendra. I felt in some ways in a more motherly relationship to these three, because believe it or not now, we were at that time considered fairly responsible.

There was a connection made in that these three and Kendra had been in volleyball with us. Well at least Tammy and Colleen. Liz and Tammy and Colleen and me had been in cross-country skiing and at that point Kendra was playing basketball. I think in the spring then Kendra, Liz and maybe one of the other two went to track, where I went to softball - might have been with either Tammy or Colleen ... I had been playing softball with Colleen on an adult team with her mother, but it was pretty much like when you were good at one thing there was a good chance the next season you would try to be good at something else.

I was the only one of these that was doing band. Colleen and I'd done business together and Kendra was involved in ROTC, math and physics. I remember now too she also corrected papers for one of the English teachers. Colleen was a year ahead of us, and then came Kendra and us and then Tammy and Liz were the year later. The band was important because that's where I connected to my relationship with Becky, Sue and Carmen. These three were all our age. I have a recall of knowing about everyone, but none of the relationships were as significant as these people.

During the last years ... Kendra was of all these the most significant friendship that I had. I remember spending time on overnights with her and her family and a few funny things about that in having my own jar of pickels waiting, an everlasting bowl of spaghetti in the fridge and very enjoyable times talking with family members in the kitchen. I loved Kendra and her family and her house and how smart the conversations were and how interested people were in each other. Kendra's place was like a magic kingdom for me. I don't know how it was that we worked the relationship. I remember her being argumentative because she was so logical.

I couldn't get enough of Kendra, but I also remember that we were going through some hard times. I feel I wrecked up the relationship because I was going through very hard things psychologically. I remember once being in a phone call with Kendra and her mother where I was suicidal. I don't know if Kendra knew it, but it was one of those essential times in my life where I knew that no one understood me as well as her or her mother, but I figured I was being very confusing to them. I have a sense of that, but then I don't have any direct memories about why things were so bad for me. I just know that I was unfair with them because it was at a time I had so many needs.

I never knew what Kendra got out of our relationship ... I would love to talk to her now. I have no pretence in being able to be in a relationship with her now that she most likely treasures in others who were more like her and her tremendous abilities to think. I've said before and still believe it ... that Kendra is one of the most intelligent people I know. Incredibly if you figure her particular scholarly specialities. I've known the three doctors Marvin, Woollcott and Luttmers too ... so I can honestly say I've been around a few super intelligent people. Just not one that shared my childhood with me and is leaving me the feeling of indebtedness. If there was no other reason to talk to Kendra I'd like to tell her thank you. Without her I would have never made it through those decidely depressive days. She added pure joy to my life.

I found a few other people on-line today ... none of these as mentioned, but I found a couple of people who are now obviously adults, but just kids when we were kids. They were about 11 years younger than us. They were like special pets of my
father. He loved their company. Our house was directly inbetween their houses each on either side of ours. I didn't know the kids as much as I had known their families. These were people who were my father's best friends. I don't know how I feel about them knowing my present life, but I think they know my family enough to consider me in relation to them. It's kind of a checking point now. Nicki has already accepted me on the facebook friendships. It'll be a test of time to see where this goes.

I feel bad for them and in a sense for my family in that I am more importantly than most other things a multiple. I think this is a problem that has been victimized by our society and held in limbo as to it's reality and understanding. Most people only know the goofy extremities of the disability ... the Oprah Winfrey concepts. These things make me feel depressed. I don't understand multiplicity ... I'm really pretty sure that those folks don't got it down after and hour minus commercials.

Ok, I'm not going to go all into that tonight, because it is getting late, but the point was that I've felt my situation to be an embarrassment to most people to know me. I didn't want my sense of shame put on the family even if the family was so instrumental in it's development. These thoughts are too hard for me now though. I think we're going to have to put ourselves to sleep. Without Rich here this week we've been falling asleep again on the chair. That's not a big surprise, right?

Ali on CNN is having a little financial summit. I should have been listening to this. I think as to figuring out what individuals should be doing across the board, we're always left with living nickel to nickel as if the future wasn't something I'd have to take care of. It's funny ... thereis a guy on there from Clearwater Florida. I wonder if that's the place that Kendra's Mom moved ... it seems familiar. Ok, you ... better let it go. Why don't we get this posted and check out one of our less complicated thoughts. Time to have a fudgsicle then sleep!

posted by Ann Marie @ 2/18/2009 05:16:00 AM Comments: 0