Ayn's Multiple World

Hey ... doesn't anyone work around here?

Good morning. This is me. Are you you? I’m hoping so. We’ve been up for a half hour and it’s about 5 am now. I’m grateful for the time I get to be here. We’ve done the getting up things and we listened to the news a little and then we went and found a video of President Bush giving his farewell speech. We tried to watch it last night, but we were too tired at the time and fell asleep.

I don’t think I have so much to say about it, but there was one particular thought that stood out. He was saying that fighting for idealism was always wrong, but then he went on to saying that it was right and good to fight for freedom. In my way of looking at it … that just doesn’t make sense. Isn’t freedom and ideal?

There was one more thing that I found curious beside all the normal things the press is already criticizing and that was just that he was so set on his given speech that he didn’t address a disaster that had occurred just hours before he gave his last speech. Yesterday was the day that the plane with 155 passengers went down in the Hudson and with all thankfulness reserved for God … all survived.

It was the same I believe at Katrina where he just hadn’t involved himself. I think that he is leaving with nostalgia of having done a good job in protecting our borders though he then talked about the spirit of the immigrants coming over in boats as if this was still an American ideal. I don’t know if we’d been centered on anything but war for 7 years if there would have been more attacks on the US, but in the process he’s made hard company with most of the world and us as being held hostage in the barter.

The press talk about him apologizing for mistakes that he’d made, but then again he went on to say that he hoped America would understand because he had the best intent and so forth. He had our heart of the people in mind. The same kind of double-sidedness he discussed the honor and respect of the military, but in the same vein he sent so many to die – not only of the few thousand Americans, but the tens and hundreds of thousands of others. All of this he claimed was to protect America.

I don’t know probably best I get off President Bush. It was strange that the plane accident happened so soon to his speech. The news gives periodic moments to hear or comment on a clip from Bush, but the majority of the time is not for saying good-bye to the President, but for digging into the story of the bird bringing down a plane.

Maybe that fits better the heart of America.

I’ve listened to several hours of the coverage. I know pretty much all that is out there to know. I think the most remarkable part of the story is in the heroism of the pilot - Sully. It turns out he was a part of all kinds of safety committees and held teaching positions on how to be safer, and then also that which I found most interesting that he’d been a big hang-glider. Wow! The odds of that person being where he is just remarkable … my general take on it was that he landed that mega-plane with the gracefulness and compassion of a feather falling to a cloud.

I always appreciate the coverage of CNN on stories like this even though it repeats itself at times. I had to comment later on when Rich came home in that we were just watching a part talking about the damage geese cause engines, and then they flipped to that commercial where the guy forgets his report back on his office computer and they call a bunch of birds to go back for it. The birds are crashing into everything to get the computer to him including flocking at the people opening the elevator. It’s a commercial advertising for an meeting to go program or something like that. It’s to gain access to your computer from anywhere.

Just the thing was that these birds were tearing up the screen just after a bunch of birds have collided into the jet … case could go by that it was satiric.

Hmm, I just went back into the reports to see if there was something new, but there wasn’t really. There was one notation though of the woman with the infant who crawled over the seats to get out. I give that woman a lot of credit as being a new mother out to protect her love of life. From what some of the other passengers said, the men made room for the women and children to leave the plane first and then of course the crew and pilots left last after the pilot looked over the plane a couple of times to assure that everyone was out. It’s just the best most uplifting story and will be so for the rest of its shelf life.

The pilot really was a hero.

Hmm. Ok, new page … I can be moving on. It’s already now 5:30 am. We watched a little more news on TV, but I know my time is valuable too.

Yesterday let’s see … first the little Rich story. He’d gotten to me by phone around 6-6:30 pm. I’d gotten home late, had eaten left-over and then laid down on the couch under my heavenly warm blankey. That’s when Rich called. It seems one of us or the other will call to sort of “Check-in” to the evening plans. He had things he had to do in that there was a late meeting that replaced going to a game that was canceled, and then he went to see Chris and then he went to see Doug. He didn’t get home until 11:30 pm.

We already explained we’d fallen asleep to Bush so I guess that was about 7 pm, and then we woke up around 9:30 pm, but fell asleep again until about that 11:30 pm time. We figured that he had to be driving home by now if he wasn’t there already, so we called to make sure he was ok. But, our phone was registering the call saying that the other number must be a mistake or some sort of nonsense. We dialed again and then thought maybe it was just low of battery. So we got up and went to the kitchen and plugged it in and remade the call.

We got the same message. I was starting to feel a little panicky because he had thought he’d be home much sooner. So we peeked out the window which is one of our habits to hope his car into his parking space. But, that was the goofy part … we saw that Rich’s car WAS in the parking lot. We could see his dashboard lights on, but it was too dark to see him. We stood there for half a moment and we figured maybe something had happened to him and we should check that out immediately.

We went and put on our shoes and beat-it out the door. We were somewhat relieved in that when we got down there we saw the exhaust coming out of our car. We figured right away that he had stayed down to run the car, but we didn’t want to take a chance and hustled over to his car window.

Rich gave a half glance in back of him before rolling down his window and scolding us for being outside. He convinced me to go inside and somewhere in and out of the next 10 minutes we both conveyed our fears. I think I had the most respectful fear. I was afraid he’d had a heart-attack or something, but he had thought that I was some kind of carjacker criminal type person. Pswhoo! Thank goodness both of us were wrong!

We massaged him for a while, but pretty much he hit the hay pretty fast. He’s going to be tired this morning. We’d both watched a little more of the news on the downed-plane, and then we watched it for a few more minutes before we went to bed.

There was one other main story that happened yesterday and I’m not sure if I won’t wait until after our shower to tell it. As side notes, we took care of our meetings with both the CIRCLES for Group 2 and the staff training. Sister didn’t stay for the meeting because she had another doctor appointment. Those meetings went real good. We thought the people in Group 2 did better than the people in Group 1 in learning the material. Pretty much we were again going over the gestures to go along with the CIRCLES and then with the numbers, and then we finished it up by having them do a community building in colored pencil and stencils.

We came up with the new idea of having them go to the wall chart and that I would point to the colors and they would tell me the numbers or vice-versa … I would say a number and watch them try to find it. There were only 6 people and half could do it and the other half couldn’t … Everyone had fun with the days lessons because during the first part with the gestures and then the numbers they were game-like in delivery. And, then the part with the stencils was just an easy way for them to relax quietly. It seemed to be something they appreciated.

We will quiz them next week and do over Group 1 and we’ll still have to get in sometime Group 3. Leadership Group will be today.

Staff meeting stayed officially business-like and we’d prepared and gone over the State inspection. Even Sister Florine was pretty good in general. Everyone seemed interested and they took the notes I’d asked. I thought that they really were motivated with State coming in to know the material. I don’t get any special credit for that part except I do know pretty well the material and it seemed a good interplay in discussing the ins and outs of the rules. Next week I will have another meeting where I’m going over a few specific policies and procedures on things like incident reports, abuse, missing persons, deaths, etc. We’ll be prepared.

Hmm, I gotta go take the shower now because its 6 am and I like our hair dry before going out in the freezing temperatures. It’s supposed to be warmer today though then yesterday which was 9 below leaving Brookfield. It may have warmed up to -1, but it was supposed to during the night gone down to -15 with a -30 wind chill.

YEEKS!

So anyway when I get back we are going to want to do the story of the Sisters’ battling and interactions with Holly, and hmm, something else. What was it? Oh, I know … our sudden need to do Goals. *Ugh!* BBIAM

Ok, we’re back again. Did the packing, shower, medicine and we got ourselves some hot coffee WooHOO! Now we got 15 minutes before waking Rich and another half hour before leaving for work. We’re doing good. We have to remember though to get gas.

It’s a terrible night to leave ourselves on empty. Rich said last night if he would have known he’d have driven to the gas station when he was warming it up. *Sigh*
Ok, let’s see if I can get all that stuff from above in. We are really pretty speedy, but I know the story of the Sisters is tearing at me. We’ll save that for last so it doesn’t take up all the room.

Umm the part on the goals is that I’d started off being a good Ann and had gotten out one of my last four Qnotes to be working on. But, there was two months missing data. My last sheet I had for this client was October. I didn’t think overly about it because I was bent on accomplishment, so I grabbed the sheets and went into Maria’s room to ask for those months. She said though … no remember you were going to give me something so I haven’t done those notes on him. Maybe this isn’t verbatim, but it’s pretty much the gist of things.

I felt informed, confused and a bit frustrated with myself as much as Maria. It was really my fault for not getting the goals done, and she’s sure done her part in letting me know what was going on. She’d 2 notes over the last two weeks at least.

I felt the frustration because I knew she was right and I had to get her the notes, but it would be taking myself off-task for the rest of the day on getting the damn Qnotes done and I’d felt so close I could almost taste it. So, that’s pretty much that story. I wrote 3 goals for one of the two clients and I did a worksheet to record data for one of them.

I usually like he work I hand out and in small ways, I think I have or am improving with age … as long as you can hog-tie me down to the chair to do them. By the time I got them done, it was lunch and time to prepare for the staff meeting … the CIRCLES group was ready and then I had those two hours of meetings.

I only got about 10 minutes to talk to Karla at the end of the day and then we were working on stuff I don’t quite remember if we were on task or not, but maybe not directly … some part of it was work, just don’t remember which part. That leads to the Sister part … almost there.

Oh, I remember now a little of it. We were going through a little Holly thing.

She’d called me on something oh. I remember I was working on pulling together the work on the Registry … never remember the name, but it used to be called nurses registry. I had to find all the staff which was really not a big deal, but it took a bit of doing. Sr. Florine wasn’t showing up proper. It took some calls and such, but we got info from Sr. and St. Mary’s that they’d put her first name in as Sr. Florine. I should have guessed this? Sr.? That’s not a first name!

Anyway there was that I think and clearing up my desks again to be working. As to the call with Holly we had to confirm her middle name was what it was and in the meantime we were going over stuff. For some reason or another we got into a conversation with her on the registry. I think she wanted to know why her middle name was important to me.

But, then we got into some conversations on other things that had to do pretty much with a truce as to where each of us were with the work prior to State. I found out that if she had one or two Qnotes done that be pretty amazing. She didn’t exactly say one or two, but she meant me to be confused between the two. Hehehe. Poor Holly she waited for the terrible news that I might be done. We told her no and that we had four left to go. That took a bit of conversation, because like I knew she’d want to get into why my notes weren’t good like hers and that she worked harder and where was my chronological information. She went to mentally quote needing chrono’s from the regs, but I’d just read that 60 pages of information prior to doing the staff meeting because that’s what the meeting was about and I wanted to be prepared. She couldn’t argue the point that well no it didn’t say chrono’s were to be done by trainers or QMRPs, but she heard my argument that the DSP notes sufficed.

She stubbornly said well I’m going to continue doing it the same way as we always have. Ugh … wasn’t even going to go there. But, I did tell her that I could do one of my notes every 8 minutes and that I’d done 24 the day before. That’s not something she really wanted to here. I also found out she was backed up on annuals, but I’m pretty sure not as backed up as we were. We also went over our concern that we were behind the 30 day date on our last new client. But, then later when I talked to sister I confessed that part, and she let me slide saying that what I was hoping in that the client was gone 2 weeks on vacation so I did do it somewhat in 30 days at least the 30 days the client was there.

I had found in the meantime that Holly had similar problems she was working out.

She had told Sister the way she was going to get around it and then she inferred that Sister was appreciative that Holly could do what she was going to do.

I don’t want to get into this call much longer. We’d had it over the speakerphone and it went on long enough so that Holly figured she better get back to her work.

She thinks she can do all the notes in 3 weeks. I know this is her style, but I myself would prefer more time and space between getting the work done and being caught with the work undone. She did say she was up to date with getting the extra forms in. We still gotta do that part. Pswhoo! We’re working on it.

Ok, racing the clock … we’ve got just 20 minutes to catch our notes on the sisters.

Whoops forgot to wake up bunny-face. Hold on. Whoops got a scold for waking him up late, but it was not too bad and pretty groggy. Maybe if certain people got home BEFORE so late … Hehehe bunny’s in the bathroom, YAY!!

Ok, now the part of the sisters. Not sure exactly how to start on that one. I don’t recall which one had hit me first coming into the sister with both of them being frustrated with the other. I think both had gotten to me in the morning. I do know that sister was back in my office telling me that Sister Florine would be coming back. I guess Sr. Theresa and Rosa figured out that those 4 months of incorrect chrono notes of the sisters would be fixed by her coming back and pulling her own sheets.

I had complained to Sr. Theresa after getting a stack of 4 sets of reports from Sr. Florine telling me that I had to get her all her clients for this many times. I was like why am I getting punished. I’d already filed the reports and didn’t have the time to go back and do her work.

Sister’s and Rosa’s solution was to have Sr. Florine on one of her two days away from the group come back and get her own records. She was to do the work from Candice’s old desk between Richs’ and mine. It was like Oh Lordy!

It was good idea to have her do the work, but then I knew what it was going to be like with her back there. When she did get back to that area, on impulse I grabbed a card and then wrote down every time she interrupted me or did something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. I wasn’t sure where I was going with that and I did end up just throwing it away in the garbage, but the point was that there were 17 interruptions in the time she was back there.

I was perhaps dishonest in that I didn’t tell her what I was doing, but I guess it was born with the frustration of having my quiet space invaded like this. I made it a point not to comment on anything she said except perhaps a uh-huh. I didn’t want to be drawn into a norm where she’d come back to talk my valuable work time away.

It didn’t take her too long before she was back on the phone. There were a few business calls and then she shut the door claiming not to want to bother me, but I knew she was talking to people on a personal level and she was repeating the story she’d told me several times of the problems she was having with sister. She had had another run in with her this morning or last night and it was supposed to have been pretty bad. I eventually got the story from both sisters one at a time. I don’t have the time or inclination now to remember all the details. Sr. Theresa got more of my ear than Sr. Florine, and I have to say I understand Sr. Florine’s part of being frustrated to be on Sr.’s bad side, but then I was even more frustrated that I was seeing Sr. Florine repeat over and over again the same mistakes without making corrections. She keeps repeating the same things … and between her being back on the phone whether it was her personal one or Sr.’s line, the point was that she’d invaded my space and was doing things she should be.

I knew she knew better, because every time I would come in or she’d hear a note she’d do a quick dart look out the door to see if Sr. was coming or would catch her. That’s my take on it at least. So in this respect, I think she must know she’s doing something wrong.

Whoops slight break here my dearest love-heart is taking care of me in such exceptional ways he made me cry. He’s going to warm up my car and take it to the gas station to get gas. That’s not something he has to do, but it relays the wonder of his love-giving. I just admire the hell out of him. We had to go through a few moments transition though because we had to figure out why my phone wasn’t connecting to his. It turned out we needed to refresh my auto-dial number, so that was good. He didn’t really want to be out with an empty gas car without being able to call me in an emergency. He’s just so cool.

I think I’m going to go a few moments past. I will write to sister and tell her we’re having problems starting the car. I would love really to take the day off, but I know this isn’t in my work’s best interest. At least on Friday’s I don’t have responsibility for a group first thing. I do have two groups to do though today, so it is best if I made it in. Just I feel I really need time to speak my peace here as to the Sisters. It’s inviting though to turn a 4 day weekend into a 5 day weekend. We’ll have to see. I’ll wait until Rich comes back before I confirm for sure which note I send Sr. Theresa. I wish though the car wouldn’t start at all.

That is like a WooHOO!!! It wasn’t my fault that it went down to 15 below – 30 below wind chill. Hmm?

Ok, now as to the Sisters. We’re trying to condense the story. Point was that not only has Sr. been in general talking to everyone who will give her a minute at the center, but several times on the back phone by our office and then later when we went up to do the fax for her DSP training register, she was again saying how bad Sr. Theresa was and how bad she’d been treated and how no one else would come and be with Sr. Theresa and what a sacrifice she was making and how deserving of attention. I think both Sr.’s are complaining to St. Mary’s about what’s happening here. But, as well Sr. Florine is talking to her former peers and friends as well.

I take this all in a hard-line very frustrated manner. Sr. Theresa has her faults and anger is one of her weak spots, but the underhandedness of Sr. Florine and doing it so flagrantly in front of me and other staff just grinds on my nerves. And, again we were frustrated in that she was using “my area” to be committing these low-brow tendencies.

Please don’t take me wrong … There are parts of Sr. Florine that we like and respect. We respect especially because she’s a nun. We had been willing to stand up for her because we figured at least she was getting the goal data sheets done and was trying. I understand that her weight keeps her moving slow as does the quickness of her thoughts. We have sympathized with her often enough about Sr.’s frustration with her. On this regard … Sr. Theresa thinks she’s only really yelled at Sr. Florine twice, where I think there is a steady grinding of that relationship.

But, the thing is that Sr. Florine is bringing down the whole of our center and our boss and I feel fiercely protective in this regard of Sr. Theresa and the center.

Like I want daily word going to the Big Sister’s that St. Rose is dangerous and being run by a wild woman? Man like that’s great job security – and it’s an insult. In this way Sr. Florine becomes a threat to me and the other staff AND to the clients. Sr. Florine doesn’t often see past her point of view and insult.

There’s no secret the sisters aren’t getting along, but Sr. hasn’t invested her in anything past what is immediately in front of her as a task. She doesn’t appreciate how hard or what obstacles other staff face.

We’ve commented to Sr. Florine that it’s interesting that she should get such a bent ear on how hard Sr. can be to her, but she has no interest in how hard Sr. can be to others as well. It seems it’s only her own interest she’s protecting. I don’t understand especially her not trying to change or make the relationship better in that she keeps sniping back with Sr. Theresa instead of learning from the criticism Sr. Theresa is making on her. I think a big problem is that Sr. Florine sees the relationship of the two sisters as being equal. And, Sr. Theresa thinks of it being a relationship where she is in the administrative charge of Sr. Florine. Basically, Sr. Florine doesn’t respect Sister Theresa being the boss, her supervisor, or that she’s just the older nun. But, the fact is she is the elder, the boss, and the administrator.

Sr. Florine can make a pretense of how hard she’s trying to get along with Sr. and I think truly she’s tried to hold herself back in the sake of getting along, but she’s not crossed the point, where she’s just listening to Sr., Sr.’s corrections, or even our pleas that she learn to deal with her situation.

I think Sr. Florine knew that we were being very close-mouthed yesterday while she was back there, because just before she left she made a rather rude comment on not wanting to bother us. But, by then she’d done most of the 17 interruptions. It’s like we’ve been saying she sees her own part, but she doesn’t see my part that we’ve got a life and work tasks that demand concentration and effort and it’s disrespectful for her to be interrupting as if she’s the center of the universe.

I’m not interested when we’re on a work sweep to be cradling her feelings of insecurity.

Ahh sweet breath is back. He’s such a good guy. He’s getting his coffee now. I told him big things had been happening with the sisters so I don’t know if we are going to talk about it before I get to writing it all out. We both know that I should be getting to work, but I’ve got to finish getting this out of my mind.

Well, the day went on as it did. We had told you we had several meetings and I got busy after the meetings with work on the register. I don’t recall which work project I was working on when Sr. Theresa came back, but…

Ok, we’re back. It’s 8 am and I haven’t made it into work yet. Not sure how that is going to go. I called Sr. Theresa to tell her that my battery wasn’t starting.

I looked at the thermometer and it’s saying it’s 17 below, but feels like 34 below.

I don’t care how much it feels like just know that I don’t want to feel it.

She said to keep her posted.

Well, no problem there …

We were just in the bedroom with Rich as he was getting ready for work. We smooched him up a little bit when we followed him into the kitchen. I made some more coffee and he’s making his egg breakfast. We had a good period to talk over what’s going on. He let me go on through the story without interrupting but though paying attention. And then after I stopped – we did have a beginning and end, then we talked – mostly we listened to his views on how this sort of thing should be going on. We’ll most likely include this in while we continue. There’s not too much more into it, but we don’t feel all the way resolved until we get in some of the particulars – at least the ones we can remember.

Maybe though he’s going to come in and then we can absorb him for a little. You gotta know Rich enough to know that I’ve received several lectures on not trying harder to get into work. I did get dressed because my feet were cold. He realized it before me that we were using our hands trying to warm up our bare feet. I’m just 4-5 feet away from the sliding glass door and it tends to wear on me. I can’t believe it’s 17 below.

Hmm, ok … we’re back. Rich has left now. He’s gone out the door encouraging me to get into work. We will try again … just for now I can’t seem to think of anything until I finish what’s now not even really on my mind. He threw in at the end something I’d just come to realize on my own. That she didn’t pay us yesterday, so I’m really going to need going in for that check. I know I have Dr. Marvin today too, and I’d have to leave early for that. We’ll try.

Ok, let’s though get past where we are and then calm ourselves into work thoughts better. I know that some of our hesitation going in this morning is that this stuff is all weighing on my mind. If I didn’t go in I wouldn’t have to worry about anywhere where the sisters were at. Plus about now we are having ambivalent feelings as to getting something caught up or getting those meetings in. I know like Rich says it’s better that we go in than if we don’t.

Ok, just went back and reread a little … it’s hard for us to concentrate though because it feels like so much is going on. Rich said that we should at least go to work and finish writing from there, but I’d been promising ourselves that we will do work at work. He brought up the part when I looked back to watch an infomercial on working from home that I could make more money and do better in selling by working for him.

Of course then our ears perked up … make more money?! He reminded me he’s had 5 hour talks with me before about it, but the I’d go back to blogging where he’s thinking we should work 12 hour days. Well, like yeah! I’m going to still be blogging! That’s like the whole point! He said then that we’ll talk later, so maybe some compromises can be made in forming some kind of work relationship. I don’t want to give up all my free time … I can give up some, but he’s got to be reasonable too. I don’t want to be spinning my wheels if there’s not enough in it to consider my time down the hole for nothing.

He seems to be talking about selling again, and right now I’m thinking maybe I could … got some of that confidence from working at Obama’s, but then most people would have to be called during the work day, and I know I can’t do his work at our work.

So, we’ll just have to wait and see what he’s got in mind. I did ask him when he made a comment on getting a 30 day notice from New Hope, and I was like what?

What? What’s going on? He said that he hasn’t brought in work for awhile and then continued to be saying work is down … the economy etc.

That’s kind of then a danger point. We’d have to see more about that. Maybe we can help again without giving out ALL our time. We want to be back more regularly at the gym, do our work work, get some off-time to write and edit, and THEN if we have time left over it can be more work like. Just if that’s the case we would have to use our West Wing time more than the writing time in the early am. I know Rich would prefer it the other way, because we both do enjoy our time together. But, if he’s not around, we don’t find ourselves watching too much TV without being on the computer as well. We’re not as good as we used to be at staying away from the TV, because we do like our news, but really it’s about the only channel we watch.

I know, I know don’t go into all that again!

Ok, we’re still avoiding finishing our thoughts on the sisters. Maybe we can jump ahead here a bit. The thing is that after sister came home – about 3:30-4:00 pm, she had brought back her paperwork on what I’d done with the register and I wanted to catch her up on the staff training meeting.

Somewhere in here though, Sr. started to complain very heavily about the sister and disrespect and such. She didn’t have to go very far before we were adding our complaints. At first we just listened respectfully and added small comments, but then we thought of things in agreement to what she was saying like she’d say something and we’d be saying this is what we see as happening. What turned out though is that we both shed some of our frustrations, but it’s not over and I KNOW sister Theresa is way-off further into it then we are – so I have to listen more, but fact is we got pretty caught up yesterday.

Usually we try to defend Sr. Florine when we can, but we were still frustrated with what happened with her back in this space. I can understand and appreciate she’s back there and doing her own work looking up sheets, but Sr. was talking as if she was going to be back here all the time and that she’d be using Candice’s old computer and Internet and things. I was thinking and stated that it was probably good to get the Sister’s some separation. I did mention the heat would have to be adjusted because I’d been there long enough the day before to see the heat was set to 60 overnight. Sr. hadn’t thought of that I think, but I knew when mentioned she would work to remedy that.

I think it was about then that I was into telling sister about what had happened there with the day about sister being on the phone to several people … some financial insurance type business, but also on a more personal basis of telling everyone how mean sister was to her and how she had gotten angry and about how none of the sisters would come down here because it was so terrible. She talks about the neighborhood and she talks about Sr. temper. Well, I think we went this direction before, it’s just that it was and has been a very big pull-down thing to here your boss and business demoted in this manner by someone just complaining for herself.

She was hiding back there complaining out of sister’s range and there had been all those 17 interruptions. I gave her absolutely no encouragement.

At some part of the conversation, I reached into the garbage to take out my notes.

I think sister had indicated an interest in how she was interrupting and although we had thrown away the sheet to be done with it, we couldn’t resist the temptation to let sister know what actually had gone on. We don’t have the memory, but the notes were taken as they were happening. We couldn’t read all our scribbles, but we knew after we started relaying what we’d written that Sr. was paying attention. This had its own sense of danger, because I was pretty sure that sister Theresa wouldn’t be overly coy in letting Sr. Florine know she didn’t like what was going on.

On the one hand, I don’t want anyone to distrust us, but we’ve been pretty clear all along to all the staff that if we felt it necessary at any time to tell sister what was going on, then we would hold that as our prerogative. Sr. Florine says tell me instead of going to Sr. and I can really see her point there, it’s just when she’d come in fluttery-like and I had gotten so protective with my ability to work time that I couldn’t bring myself although I’d thought about it as to telling her something about cheating on the goal data sheets. It was about then we figured to take notes. It wasn’t all thought out just happened.

In the end Sr. Theresa asked for the notes. First we said no, we didn’t want to have been found out to be this small in taking notes. It had been more to vent our own frustration. We’d thrown them away in the end. But, sister said we shouldn’t use the garbage to throw that kind of thing. I thought to an earlier conversation we’d had with Karla about using the shredder, but at this point we next went to the suspicions and fears of someone like Sr. Florine going through our garbage. I have nothing integrity-wise in our thoughts to think she’d do it, but then I could see her like Holly coming in to use my desk or computer and in looking around at my things.

That fear held through even after Sr. had left. I looked at my computer carefully to assure I’d not left anything up. When I looked at that work and that on either desk, I realized that it only showed that I’d been working very hard. But, I must have gone back at least three times to look over the office as to memorize where I’d left things to see if my space had been invaded. I can very much see Sr. Florine looking at my big computer and her little one and surmising that it wouldn’t hurt to have her on it.

That would be VERY invasive of my space. I’ve got too many personal secrets like Rich to give up that space. I’d been a bit bothered in that there was more permanency of Sr. being given that desk. I asked Sr. at one point, if she was going to take over the desk inside and out or if she’d just be using the top and the computer. Sr. had thought only the top, but then I could see her quietly thinking it over more.

I was seeing the conflicts between the two sisters needs and my own. I have liked Sr. Florine enough, but I didn’t want to lose my me space or my me work space. And, I didn’t like the invasion of privacy. I had no doubt that sister would be spreading around anything she learned there and I knew she was smart enough to be investigative and I just don’t need all that. It’s a threat always to know that somebody finding out about Rich and I could cost us our jobs, and if we were both gone … would the center make it. Sr. is pretty strong, but between two of us we represent some bit of loss. I talk about leaving work, but even then we talk about keeping some portion of it, especially CARF because we know it be hard on the center not to be involved.

In the course of being honest with our thoughts and feelings … one thing you can say about Sr. Theresa is that she used the time to start-up again all her problems with Sr. Florine, but as well she put herself in the boss role of listening to my grumbles. I didn’t want to see this all stack up on Sr. Florine, but it had felt more like she was making her own bed and her regard to me, Sr. and the other employees and staff had come secondary to her ease of complaining rather than working through the problems. With Sr. I knew there’d at least be a beginning and end. You go through something, learn from it, but then you’d go on … and in the process you would be learning to build and develop a good relationship – not because I’m a spy. I hadn’t intended things to go that way … Just that when push comes to shove I’d really had it in trying to protect her. Even that wasn’t direct … just I know how it can be to be on Sr. Theresa’s bad side. We’d told that to both the sisters – even Sr. Theresa. Still the point is you’ve got to learn and move on.

At this point, I was just telling the facts and letting them fall where they may.

I have lost the feelings of responsibility over her as if she were staff, because she was more a grumbly sister than a peer I should be responsible for. The whole thing had seemed an immature way to handle things.

This all built-up … our talking to Sr. and all … to a point I’d tried to avoid the day or two before. Basically, there was still the question which had probably undermined all of this. That is the part of Sr. Florine fabricating data. I thought through the argument one more time and although it wasn’t going to be good for Sr. Florine, I felt it was time to confess to Sr. Theresa about what had been done. I prefaced it by saying, I didn’t know one other staff other than Cathy who hadn’t worked over the numbers somewhere along the line. I said we are all involved in it including myself, but I didn’t expect it from Sr. It meant that she wasn’t getting work done and hadn’t for the last couple of months.

While I was saying all this, I was reaching for the file. Sr. had gotten quiet and I knew she knew this would be important as to what she’d do, and I could hear Sr. Florine in my mind saying why didn’t you just come to me, but then I’d have to ask her the same. Why didn’t she come to me or sister and say she was behind. I just don’t’ expect sisters to be cheating. Maybe then this is a double standard and it would make us a hypocrite. Maybe that’s very true. But, there was another part in it that I really resented. I had told Sr. Florine that I had known she hadn’t done the sheets for two months because I’d seen them on her desk when I went looking for them.

Sr. Florine I know had felt under Sr. Theresa’s pressure in just getting the work done. But, maybe it’s just that. All the covering for not getting work done is because she’s on the phone cheating, talking to people in general about her problems, or anything else. I’m very guilty in this too. I’m here right now because I’m involved in my personal problems. I use the blog as my place to put my thoughts of everything. You know that. And, I have used work time for my own, but I also know the bottom line and what I have to be responsible for.

Sr. Florine thought was taking me I thought for stupid. It was like I wouldn’t realize her criticism for my lack of talking with her by saying, “Well, I’ll leave so I don’t bother you anymore.” She must have known she was. I told Sr. Theresa I’ve been here too long not to know cheating when I saw it. Sr. Florine had thought she’d pull it over on me, like I was too stupid. And, she figured what when she continued to talk about my company and boss so poorly in a repeated and disgusting manner.

I think we’d been at this point of being with Brandi way back when. We can take a lot of abuse, but when she started parading to all the staff she’d been looking for another job, then I took it as an offense it’s one thing to be looking and another to encourage others that if they were smart they’d look too. That is what I think of as hurting the company and something that I have to tell my boss. That’s what led up to that long thing where Brandi and I were mad at each other. The other staff knows not to trust me in keeping “secrets” from sister. Now here was sister not listening to very direct messages from me. If you have a secret don’t tell me.

Don’t expect me to cover for you especially because you think I’m dumb enough to not know what is going on.

Rich’s point in listening to me tell the whole story from top to bottom – condensed 10 minute version was that I was to let all this emotional overload go and get back to focusing on work and not getting in between the sisters. I know that he is right and I’m going to need letting this go for a bit. His thing was just to note behaviors and not get involved in the frustration part of it – to remain calm and collected and just continue to do my job.

He stated that he knew Sr. Theresa had been using me to go over the problems, but we do this to only some degree before it becomes too overwhelming. We thought if we could give it to Rich … and then we commented on him not being around enough. We told him that if he had been there more frequently Sr. would have gone to him with her complaints rather than coming to me. We’ve worked very hard not to be sister’s spy. AND, I think Sr. Theresa is proper enough not to use me in that manner. I’ve heard her doing it with the others, but I don’t think they were aware that she was playing them. She would know me better than that.

It’s been that way with the business going on between Theresa, Rosa and the others.

We told her honestly that we weren’t involved in all that and when given a choice of seeing the staff continue to talk between them I didn’t want to be put in that position of just reporting to sister. She matter of fact brought up that point of not wanting to use me like that. I felt appreciative of it.

It still seems to come up though when someone’s trying to settle some score. I will listen to so much of someone thinking something or another’s not fair, but then there is an evening up. When sister complained of Maria and Theresa talking between them with open doors instead of watching clients, I was particular about telling her that the same went with Rosa and Imelda. Sr. wants to believe people are all good or all bad, but it falls in-between always.

For example Carla and I’ve had two good talks. You’ve hear me mention them here.

But, before that happens is the work part, there’s no socializing through the day and when we talk usually it’s because she’s already headed out. But, the fact remains that all of us talk somewhat more than sister appreciates so it’s not up to me to bust others when I do it too, but then don’t be the one to say I’m all good and look at them. I think that’s what Rosa doing. I don’t mean though to be down on Rosa because beside Cathy I think Rosa is on top of her work. I don’t know what goes on in the conversations between her and Imelda and usually they don’t break up the talk when I come around, but then you at least better be able to interrupt the conversation if I’ve got something that needs attending, but both have been careful to maintain work first if directly asked.

Like I said, I know that all the staff know that I’ve got a short space between me and the boss. I’m not perfect. I try not to let others know when I’m having problems, I try to get back to where I’m supposed to go. I think when I’m off it’s my character flaw and not someone else’s position to be playing with. I heard Sr. say the other day with the Theresa mess that she was talking negatively about everyone and she underlined that. I knew that included me, but I didn’t care enough to ask about what. I try not to put bad stuff out there … if something happens then it does, and if she’s making up stuff God protect her.

Basically though, I don’t want to get into all that with staff, but not that I can’t. My avenue open is to come here and to try and think out my thoughts and what I should or should not do. Part of it is that I’m always trying to justify that I’m not a bad person even though I do some bad things like cheat. It’s sometimes a hard line to take and I don’t really know how values work. I can hear Dr. Marvin saying that I have to value myself more, but I’ve so many imperfections, especially in thoughts and deeds, it’s hard to measure up to full value.

With that I’m thinking that we’re pretty much to the bottom of it. I’ve probably realized this before but it does seem as Rich says get to be a pattern where I take off time before I go back to work – especially near a vacation already. I hear him. I also am figuring out that when I’m feeling overwhelmed like in dealing between the Sisters that I’m more apt to back totally away than the others. It has to be said … at least as long as it takes me to write out my thoughts.

But … maybe you see where I’m leading here. I do get to the end of what needs to be said, and then I need to get back to my horse. I’m pretty sure sister would appreciate me coming in as much as I can. I am still going to need leaving a half hour early to Dr. Marvin’s, I’m going to need doing those meetings, and I should try again to get some more done. It’s a good point the check is at work, and just the same I left my sweat pants there knowing I’d want to get them. It was us trying to push ourselves yesterday when we knew today would be a problem. So with that … why don’t we use the bathroom, give sister a call to let her know our battery was jumped? And, then get back to whatever it is we do.

Yeeks it’s already 10!

Hmm, by now Rich will be in there and most likely has taken back some of his share in this messyness part. When he's in there more ... sister needs to talk to us less and we are calmer to do our work, right? Man did you ever think there was so much I'd have to write about? Hey ... shoo you! Go to work!

posted by Ann Marie @ 1/16/2009 09:58:00 AM Comments: 0