Ayn's Multiple World

Bout time we wake up, hmm?

Good morning, or at least most of it. It's already about 11:15 am on a beautiful Saturday morning. The Thinking Group told me on Friday that Monday was a holiday for us. I guess Veteran's Day is coming early. Works for me!

We've been up mostly for just a couple of hours. We'd tried to get up at 4 am about the time the kitties were moving around, but then we fell back asleep until about 6 am. When we woke up we were laying on the couch under our big blankey. Rich had said last night he wanted to get up about 6 am, so we snuck back into bed with him for a few moments before he got up. I remember something like saying we'll keep your space warm, because when he got up to take his shower, we cuddled into the warmth of his place, pillow and blanky. I also remember opening our eyes and that he was already dressed. He suggested that we catch some more sleep and I think we fell asleep before he left, though that might have been right away. And, then again we didn't wake up til about 9 am.

So far we've been watching CNN and we've been rereading the entry made the other day with the Obama Headquarters and four days of vacation. Sentence by sentence it seemed to make sense, but we were not able to focus on really how the story was unwinding. We've had some peanut butter muffins and coffee and taken our medicine, but not really much past that. Oh ... someone thought of getting out the picture of Rich and us on the showboat. Unfortunately we looked a little more serious than we may have wanted to be. And, all the night pictures - you can't see my hair - just the pulled back parts on top. That makes me feel a little more old and backtimed. *Sigh*

Gotta get over it because not much to be done there yet. We did go to the doctor appointment on Thursday and they prescribed something for our face - breaking out - and they recommended over-the-counter Rogain. We'll try to take care of that the next time out. We're hoping to get out today - to the gym, but we're not sure quite where that is going because it is already so late in the morning and we're just getting started. Still feel on the tired side. I think everything is finally collapsing - sleepwise. I don't have a whole lot of concentration yet. Hopefully, we'll rev up and come up with a plan.

As we'd hoped though Rich was real happy with the turning of events in us cleaning up the place. He thought he was going to go a little TOO far though in thinking that we were going to make him dinner. We ended up finishing the leftover pizza and he had some canned chili. Today he is going through his basketball sessions to learn the new rules, and then when he gets home he will complete an open book test on the computer. Other than that I think he's got the rest of his weekend open. Last night he had thought about 5 pm that he was going to go out to play cards with Bob, but when we came in he was playing cards on the computer and then he got on-line with Bob and they were playing together through PokerStars. They kept calling each other up to play around in their excitement of the game. They were so funny. Just like a couple of kids. Good guys!

We played hard to get after he got off line about 7-8 pm. He had started watching reruns of West Wing and let me switch over to a couple hours of CNN, but then he did a funny thing like mock me on how much he was enjoying rubbing his own head til we started laughing and came over to take our rightful place. He was so funny. I had been trying to play hard to get for being so neglected due to his card playing, but the bottom line was I was really not mad just teasing him. He had to make me more relevant! While giving him his pats and purrs, we both watched the last couple taped shows of West Wing. I've caught a few shows over the year, but now we are being introduced more faithfully to the show, except again it's the last couple of shows. Maybe we'll go back for some of them, but most likely it would have to be after we got our computer upline so we could watch them through the Netflix.

After a while we suggested we were feeling in the mood for our fudgicles which means basically that we're heading for bed. We like to do that last treat from our goodnight chair wrapped up in a blanket with our dog. We also like it when we can fall asleep and Rich is still watching TV, because it means he's sitting right next to me. Last night there was some deal making - I don't remember what we were after, but we complied and then as a reward got to hold hands with him. He's such a dearheart. You know then the time since.

I don't feel like going into much of yesterday, but we'll do some to get it down on record. I think we were even up until going to work. We took a comfortable ride in, but 6-7 minutes before getting to work, Rich called to say that Sr. Theresa was angry ... apparently, we had a staffing - well it didn't turn out that way, but there was problems again with my memory. Gary was the CSO person that was there. Rosa had told us the day before that no one had confirmed, and Gary was supposed to wait for that confirmation, but too I should have called him and told him nothing was on. I hadn't brought myself Thursday on that half-day to check the schedule to see if there might be a problem. I left Gary an apology. I will have to call him back to reschedule.

I snuck in past Sister when I'd gotten to work, and then called Rich at the front of the building to tell him I was at the back. I knew I was going to get grief on that from Sr. and grief for her messing with reporting hours off. We of course new and it was confirmed that Holly had a holiday with us being in "trouble." She played that up. And, then to add to that trouble - the person that we'd given last weeks reports to at CSO didn't find the copy of the ICAP we'd sent her. So, that was problematic. Sr. had gotten Rosa to get the folder for Holly to send, but we'd taken out the material from the last week sending it to the CSO person ... we could show Rich where it was exactly and that it had been with the packet going out, but bottom line was that it still had to be sent out. He confirmed that the folder was upfront and we were pretty pissed off because it was made to be our fault when it wasn't and we figured it wasn't as big a deal as the new person at CSO had made it. So, Rich went to get the folder. I refaxed the sheets, but their fax wasn't working so I made copies and had them mailed hard mail by Rosa before she left. That's it of that. This new person is going to need being nicer if she wants to build up a relationship.

I had talked to Rich for a while about the meeting and other various business issues, and then I had to get ready for the Thinking Group. I found on my little grid where I would like to be and the ideas came pretty quickly as to what we were going to be doing. We went back to goals and were talking about self-sufficiency, so we did the meeting on three different parts of making goals. The first part was that the goal had to have a quantity, the second was it had to have a level of quality and the last it had to have a level of performance. So for example we could have a goal on reading a book. Quantity was that we read 10 pages or 20 minutes - that was the number work. The quality part had to do with the kind of book we were reading as to it having a personal meaning to us. So we suggested quality like the Chicken Soup books or Sports Illustrated. And then the level of performance was like where we wanted to read 100% of the assignment to meet the goal or that we wanted to comprehend 5 of 5 questions 25 times.

We worked the whole session with just those points and we drew it out. We had told the group that it was going to be a hard working day and we had to quiet them down a few times, but for the most part they stuck with it. We never got them past really thinking though that their goals was something they did with staff. They weren't perceiving that a goal was something they could make up and do for themselves. We'll have to work with them on that more later. But, it was a good introduction. We had practiced with them different things like with the numbers how to know which number was the best. Like what was the difference between 40, 43 or 100 numbers that they were throwing out ... on that account we added the element of time, though they weren't comprehending that part. They were able to do each of the exercises as I was breaking them down, but they weren't able to hold the entire principles - any one of the three, but they may have left with thinking goals had numbers in them. Words like quanity, quality and level of performance have nothing for them to hold onto. It takes a long time for those things to sink in - to the majority of them ... often we play the higher thinkers and ones that volunteer to answer.

After we got done with the meeting, Sr. came in but ignored me. She stood there to catch me in a mistake on how to do the tables. After I started it she took over - so I slipped out of the room. She was being petty ... the one interaction we had was that she said where is ... and she named one of the male clients she counted on for doing the chairs to the top of the tables. I should have said his ride was called, but instead I said his cab was called. I know as much as the next person that his mother or father pick him up ... and Sister jumped on that as if I didn't know what the hell was going on. I hate that kind of pettiness over trivial things. It's just best to stay out of her way. Rich had allowed an outlet where I would be directing my corrections of the day through him. Sister has him do that when she's really pissed off and Rich does it to gain some authority points. We're like what the fuck - just do whatever you all need to have done. Rich knows I am sick of the job - a good part of it, but I'm not going to buck their system. One of my punishments is that I have to submit to Rich by Monday a list of my Annual meetings. He says he's going to make Holly do the same, but that wasn't the point of the day. They tend to overmanage when I make mistakes. BLAH!

They'll soon forget it in a matter of days. Just gotta let it go. If that's all they want - no problem I'll be glad to hand them my responsibilities. It would be something to have them show interest in what the fuck is going on. HMPF!

Whoops a little angry here yet, better let it go.

The rest of the time - there was about 1 1/2 hours left, so I cleared my desk and took care of the mail, filing, sorting, etc. I was going to do the work of Qnotes as scheduled, but it made more sense to get rid of my tiny bit of clutter to start the week fresh. I wasn't minding doing the petty type work. It's just stuff that has to get done. You know the areas I'm behind on, but as to order I really do have that part down. I know where things are in my office after one of these cleaning sprees. I wasn't that far behind, but it had been climbing. At 5 minutes to 4 pm, I was out the door for the 3 day holiday. WOOHOO!!! I'm not sure after this if I'm going to be doing much thinking of things. I'd like to get more to either writing, reading, editing the blogs or getting to the gym.

Oh yeah ... got to look at bills too. But, not yet. It's about 12 pm now though ... think we need some more coffee.

Hmm, that took about 10 minutes. We got dressed and cleaned up. There wasn't too much to do, but might as well keep it tidy. I really liked that Rich appreciated that we'd taken care of the place. And, then too, when we came home last night ... it was about 4:30 pm and we'd noted that Rich's car was out back and that he was watching TV as we walked through the door. But, we stopped to empty the dishes from the dishwasher that we'd started the day before ... we did that before going into the other room. I can still appreciate the days we'd barely get through with one load of dishwasher emptying without sitting for 15 minutes, let alone - do it after climbing the stairs. We used to have to sit down at the table immediately after going up. Now we could do both and not be hurting. With that - we really should get to the gym. I'm a little weirded out because of our being "broken out." It's really not that bad, but it's enough for me to wonder how to keep it covered up. Plus, we now have the medicine on it and am not sure if we should put make-up over that - wash it off, or whatever. Got to get through those thoughts. I know I worry about small inconsequenial things ... just these are the things now tilting my mind and we know its a process to let it go.

If I was going to the gym, I would like to get out before Rich comes home. He said the lesson part is over at 2 pm, but there was going to be the testing afterward. That should mean I go about now. Just don't know if I have what it takes to do that yet. It would probably mean putting on my shorts and shirt and then putting on my sweatsuit over that. I don't know what to do with the sweatsuit after I get to the gym. It might mean having to walk to the lockerrooms and take off the outer clothing there. The weather looks chillier out and our toes are cold. So, we're thinking people don't where shorts out directly. What we should do or consider is going to Walgreen's first and since we have to go in for the Rogaine, we should also get a gym locker. I'm pretty sure they sell some kind of them. Then I wouldn't feel as bad as keeping something in a locker. I think too that some people leave things in locker, but that would get to be stinky stuff, better to come home and wash things each time.

Ok, then ... maybe we should set some kind of goals. Maybe we should get out to the gym by about 2 pm. That will give Rich a chance to get home and take those tests.

AHA! What a deal! Rich just called me on the phone. He was taking a break. He was also cranky because he figured that he knew everything that was being taught. He says he's going to stay over and get home about 4:30 pm and then he'd still have to take a test, but he wasn't sure if he was going to do it immediately after getting home. I guess there's some kind of practical thing going on so he was going to take care of that too. It gives me a little more leeway. I am going to set the gym time for 2:30 pm. That gives me 2 more hours to write and it gives me 2 hours at the gym before Rich gets home.

He WAS cranky though ... we'd tried to tell him that by the way we got a call from Thom and that he was working out the bill to get me out of paying for it. That was really nice of him, but Rich took it negatively because I was paying for it. We told him that was all on us and that WE'D been the one to volunteer the costs and that hadn't come from Thom. It's really tricky when one comes down on another's parenting. ESPECIALLY, since we'd started the conversation just after he'd said he'd paid $100 to bring his daughter home again. That's really a rotten deal to complain about my wanting to be a mother when he was acting like a father. I told him I realized he made more money, but making more or less doesn't make the feelings of wanting to help out go away. So in this way we thought he was being insensitive.

We also talked to him about going to Maury's tomorrow. He's hesitent, but we're not giving him much room to squirm. It is going to have to be transitioned at one point and this is a good way to do it without adding all the extra flourishes of having a big holiday meal. I'm still hoping to do something for the holiday's over here. I think without thinking of it - that being better able to contribute to the household now is going to add to the parts who might want to do something for the family over here. I know it's hard thought because Rich is going to need wanting to do it too, because in all likelyhood, he is going to do more work than us. Hmm, that reminds me we had asked Maury if there wasn't something we could do for tomorrow and he'd recommended making the chocolate peanut butter bars. I'm going to need doing that myself, but we're also going to need getting the ingredients either with or without Rich. I suppose I should think that through.

Ok, did the inventory thing. I'm going to need:

Butter
Vanilla
Brown sugar
Chocolate Chips
Peanut Butter

Pswhoo ... ok, progressing this. We gave Rich a call and put the items on his machine. We reminded him we'd be out of the gym by about 4:30 pm and that either he could stop by for them, we could go together tonight, or I would have to somehow do it, but that we should make the dessert today so they can be chilled overnight. It's almost the equivellent to making a birthday cake. It's something I would really like to accomplish. So, if I can't get a hold of Rich by 4:30 pm, I figure we'll maybe just have to do it. I haven't gone shopping by myself where we're walking through a store finding things, but it's important enough I give it consideration. If I can do Obama, maybe I can do this trip too. Most of the ingredients should be about the same place, right? It's just that Rich might already have been planning to go to the store on his way home, because there wasn't too much he wanted to eat from home last night and there is the part about having enough money to cover it. Other than that ... we're set to go. We added the items to our grocery list on the iPod.

Hmm, about 1 pm. I'm thinking today I might want to try a little of our protein drink ... we haven't done that for a while and the doctor on Thursday reminded us to be getting protein. I do do the peanut butter thing now, but there needs to be more done in that direction. But, there is the quick ravioli thing too. That's not as good for us, but would provide quick pleasure. Hmm, should decide before I get to the kitchen.

Mmm, we figured it out ... we got the protein drink for protein and then we got a small can of pineapple for our chewing needs. It feels like plenty.

Hmm, we just got a call from the gym - fancy that! We worked with the lady to get our account brought back to its better shape. We paid by credit card and authorized her to get it back to autopayments on the 21rst each month. She tried to talk us into a deal of paying it off in four payments for the balance of the contract that would take me to September 21rst 2010. I actually like that deal, but I won't be able to afford it until after Christmas and after I finish paying Thom's phone bill. Even at that it will be a stretch, but worth it to have paid out that last year. Then after that the payment goes down to $14 a month. There were deals so that if we brought someone on that it would go down to $9 a month, but until Rich decides to go it with me - it's not such a deal. I think Joe gets enough exercise and Thom, and I think Maury has a club he likes better. But, maybe next year we'll talk about it or it may even come up before that like tomorrow or Thanksgiving. We'll see ... but for now we're paying $49 and that's about it for that.

The lady says that she's entering the data as paid. Something was 24 hours, but she was saying I could use the gym today. We'll have to tough that out. I don't want to put in my card under the scanner and then be beeped because the whole gym is open to the entrance. Getting back to the gym though is a pretty big deal. I'm glad we are working toward it.

Ok, 1:30 now ... what's next? In the background on CNN they are doing a special on Dr. Martin Luther King. It's hard not to pay attention to it. The man was so substantial. Because of the interruptions, I don't have it all though ... I would like to watch it start to finish. Most likely they will repeat it ... it would be CNN's style. They do things like that to cover their programming, especially when they put out so major as a report like this. It's nice.

Hmm. Isn't there anything else? AHA! I know ... we could do some planning toward tonight. Rich said yesterday that he doesn't like that I have to give up my plans just because he was there. And, we are planning for him to be here tonight. I know we'll get home from the gym and most likely we'll have dinner with Rich. If he hasn't already he'll take his test. We will most likely stay home unless we need to get groceries. I will need time to bake, but it shouldn't be much more than 30-45 minutes. Otherwise, I will want to watch CNN or read, and he'll likely read, play poker or want to watch some other kind of TV. We have in the past watched a movie, so maybe we'll pick up something on "On Demand." I think he watched yesterday the majority of the extra drama shows he'd saved. He's taking up about 50% of the available space with his sports, games and mysteries. I'm glad he's able to make use of the service. I haven't saved much except the beginning.

I will probably give him a choice of what to watch because we've been watching CNN all day. I don't think it's been a real big news day. Obama is having a quiet weekend at home and he'll talk to President Bush on Monday for their tour and chat. Hmm, this morning they are going to have a piece on Jonestown. That makes sense - just around Thanksgiving ... I remember that happening when I was in college. Most of the things that happened I don't really remember. Just now I was thinking that it seemed familiar that I knew President Johnson would take over after Kennedy, but that's not something that holds very strong in my mind. If I'd been asked without a clue, I wouldn't have known.

We should think a few moments about the reading, because it seems lately when push comes to shove, we've been foregoing that experience. I'm thinking off the top of my head, it is because it is more difficult then just watching CNN. I am going to have to reach down somewhere deeper. I have a surface level of knowledge as to why it might be important, but I'm not really believing I can accomplish much. Not because the material isn't worthy, but because my mind is so distracatable. But, I want to believe that if you can set goals, you can accomplish them. Part of that might be giving up the fight against doing the work of St. Rose. I have to look at the common grounds of it aligned to my desires rather than against it. You already know that we've been working with Dr. Marvin - to make it feel more expedient so that we can get to things that matter more.

I think I've got to trust something bigger than myself to say that if I channel my learning toward reading the material which will make going forward easier. This kind of resistence though should be noted as to a trouble that may occur to others as they also see progress toward a brighter light. I think here my thoughts toward President-Elect Obama and his goals at combining the best around him to progress the state of the nation and the nation alongside the international defenses. Someone else I would hope along the line would create the goals, I would like a part in teaching how to accomplish the goals. I say this with a start as if I'm running forward and someone is holding my shirt pulling me back.

I think to break forward I am going to need doing some literal thing. It's a half hour to the time I am supposed to go to the gym, but then there is the thought of finally reading after I stop writing. Ok, this is new ... why are we giving ourselves an alternative to working out? What makes that so difficult? We know we have our iPod to make that adventure directly progressive. I think now though there is that difference of not getting cleared for the gym. I guess I could call and find out if I'm cleared, but again here we are feeling our own resistences. I hear in our head the thought - I don't want to go. Why is this ... what makes going out to the gym so difficult for some of our parts. Why are we even listening to this kind of contension?

*Sigh* It takes just a few moments and we're feeling our drive loosen its grip. I think there is the part that thinks I can't as well as parts that say I want to do something different. We look over at the corner of the other couch in front of the windows and we see it's coziness ... we imagine turning the switch that would bath us in life and look at the blanket we could pull over our cold toes. Hmm, tht seems inviting. It would be so much easier to go to the flow of its time.

Should I so easily let go of the first goal? Is this something that is the matter with me? Always giving up for something different than originally proposed. What is the value of panic we come to in the thought of leaving the house and our own comfort levels. I see the conditions set ... if you don't make me go out, I will promise to read and stop writing, I will, I will.

I think a little more harshly of myself. I try to not be depressed and think that this is something we just have to keep working at. I don't want to line my road in guilt and misgiving. *Sigh* ... just got to keep putting a foot forward. Please don't feel disappointed at me if its only over to the other half room. Thinking is progress ... maybe gym tomorrow.

Shoot Self-regulation book in Rich's car. Hmm, natural step to move into the books on self-control and self-motivation? Let's get some grip on this, k?

posted by Ann Marie @ 11/08/2008 02:20:00 PM Comments: 0