Ok, girl ... just breathe through it
Good morning. This is me. It’s Friday and we are up … but, not too early. It’s already 5:40 am. Rich got us up about 20 minutes ago, but then there is the stall in not getting up, feeding the kitties and making the coffee. Oh and weigh-in … we’ve been for like the last 3-4 days up to 263. Not sure what’s happening there, but we’re keeping our eye on it. Today should be a gym day. Ahh naked man just walked by on the way to his shower. That must be good luck!Hmm, couldn’t resist that … I went and felt up my guy … hehehe he’s not letting me touch the important stuff – says it gets him going and he can’t go there so soon in the morning, but whoo he let me give him a good rub down anyway. We gave him goosebumpels!
Hmm, cat seems to have moved in when I lifted my glass to drink some grapefruit juice. What’s up with that? Meow factory, hmpf!
Hmm, gave him a good rub down too … so he laid down in our arms. Harder to type like this though *sigh*
So where are we now? Should probably mention something from work, but it’s not immediately coming to us – what we did. I did have a Dr. Marvin session and that’s kind of edging in close to my brain where its slightly irritating.
I had another encounter with his assistant Maureen. She’s terrible, but supposedly some reflection of feelings from having a mean mother. Every time I’m there, she comes out in the space I’m in and does something to irritate me. This time, she was out and took one moment while walking into Dr. Marvin’s office to wave at me, and then she came back out and shut his door I believe intentionally just to show some possessive ownership of him. The lady drives me nuts!
But, Dr. Marvin stayed in that space and then developed it in that he capitalized on our younger regressed state. I never know exactly what happens, kind of foggy like, but we do know that we took a whole hour plus a few moments to go through the next experience and we didn’t have time to even suggest anything else went on this week, except to share as an example of something he was saying in relaying to him that we’d joined the gym this week. We also likened to a stress relieve if we could get past the initial fears.
Hmm, just remembered a little of a dream from last night. Rich and I’d been married and we’d had 4 children with the first 3 being Maury, Thom and Joe. The youngest was about 3 years old and he was a discovery in my dreams as being a curious wanderer just like his older brothers. We were at some kind of waterpark in that there was some kind of thing and Joe got picked out to take part in something that involved a long water hose. And then later the long cruise like ship we were on turned out to be pulled into another boulevard type space and then there were other things going on – more like a traditional water park in that there were active things for the kids and even places that were serving food and beer.
I remember going up a stair/slide situation to find out what was happening to our fourth son and he was being entertaining and as an aside had a small juice size glass of beer. I’m not sure where that came in, but I remember thinking he couldn’t have it so even though he was in his moment, we talked to him while pouring out the beer and one other that was there. Behind came some kind of undercover police-type authority who must have been watching the beer going to a minor so dumping out the beer without realizing they were there turned out to be a good idea. I’m thinking now it had something to do with our feelings of late as being a good citizen, especially when out driving. I’m starting to sense police as not looking for me … and just sliding through their space on the streets as they pass.
The time with Dr. Marvin was harder though. Shoot … what happened? Maybe we’ll take our shower first and spend the time trying to recall. BRB
Ok, we’re back again. Rich is about to the point of being at the door. He’s just filling his coffee before leaving. We took our shower, did our that kind of time stuff and then talked to him for about 10 minutes. Well, actually someone was sneaking in some groping/kissing time. I don’t know what’s wrong with that person … like a love sick calf. We’re a mess!
Rich is going to go to his first football game of the season tonight so it will be a good time to hit the gym. We did talk to him of only going 3 times a week and so we don’t want him to be pushing us every day. Dr. Marvin says it’s better to have the lower expectation and to do more when we can, but otherwise we’ll set the expectations to high and then feel failure if we can’t meet them. Also, I want us to be directing whether we go or not and not Rich. His point was that we should take advantage of the gym on the nights he’s gone, but we explained we wanted to be in control of our gym dates and not be dependent on his being in or out of our vicinity. I think he heard what we’re saying though I don’t know if he understands it. We’re back then to familiar control type issues.
But, now getting back to the other stuff - we only have 10-15 minutes before getting dressed and going to work. Hmm, how do I explain what was happening yesterday with Dr. Marvin. I know that we were going through some kind of old stuff. What can I remember … think!
It’s not coming to me. But, I know that I was being checked out in the end for suicidal thoughts. We heard his questions and we tried to get past the part where we’d be in that space. I remember now something about being in the closet with our blanket pulled over our head. We we’re hiding from everything and felt safest in the closet. I don’t know why my parents ever stopped or questioned that. But, they didn’t. I think part of it was that as long as they knew we were in our bedroom, they didn’t have to bother checking in with me to see where or what I was doing. I don’t even know if they knew how much time I spent in my closet tucked behind the book shelves with a blanket over my head.
I don’t know why this became such a strong memory last night, but hopefully we’ll have some time over the weekend to figure all that out and more of what we’re now forgetting. We’re getting close to the time where we have to be leaving. I look forward to the drive to work. It’s a non-pressured time to be doing just driving and listening to the news. I don’t have to do anything, but stay safe. So, I’m all good with that.
Hmm, Rich came upstairs for a moment even though we though he was gone. He had lost one of his shoes and needed to check his baseball bag. He did fine the shoe and we snuck in an extra kiss … Woo HOO, that was a good deal!
We’re feeling a little worried in thinking that we don’t have enough time to go through our thoughts of yesterday with Dr. Marvin and thinking we’re going to forget everything … alongside of that over-burdened feeling that we have to be going in a few moments. I know I took our medicine, but just feeling anxiety about having to do whatever.
I think that we’ve got to get through a day with all the Leadership group. I’m not sure what we’ll do this morning. Haven’t given it a thought. Just know that I have the big group and then I will need to do the Thinking group. That’s a high performance day for me and I’m not sure where we’re going with it. Just now it feels tiresome. The only thing in my favor is that if I get through today … we’ll have a weekend. That will be a good deal. AND, then next week we’ll have a four day holiday. Because we have off on Friday and Monday. WooHOO! That’s a tremendous deal. I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to some time off.
Just need a tremendous feeling of relief, because I’m feeling pretty put out now to be performing without any zip-energy. Just breathe right? I’ll get through it … Just one moment at a time.
posted by Ann Marie @ 8/22/2008 06:50:00 AM
Comments: 1
