Ayn's Multiple World

Super Bowl Sunday

Good morning. This is me. We’ve been up for almost an hour, but have been umm cat nappin with the cat … darn cat. He like draws me up into it. He’s so gosh darn good with it. Its just about to turn 6 am and all seems to be well … our coffee is still warm. Hmm Chief just stretched out so it’s a challenge to see whose pressing the space bar … not sure how long that’s going to last. We’ll see … we’re a bit groggy yet. Maybe another sip of coffee. I think we went to bed last night around 8:30 pm … so we shouldn’t be THAT out of it … might want to watch taking pills on early time though … we had good and we had some not so good time last night and we’ll want to be on top of that so it doesn’t mar up the day.

We’re feeling kind of down for the not so good part of it and we’re most confused about that. I don’t really want to start the days blogging about that, because it’s a little too thick first thing, but it’s what’s on my mind in a back burner smolderin type manner. I think there were two parts that were really downer parts that contributed and are not the cause, but in a sense triggers that made things too hard. The first was that we came home from being out with Joe’s and was in a very good mood and we wanted to tell Rich about it, but then after about 6-7 minutes he drifted on to something else – he was cooking and trying to figure out the recipe – reading something. He was saying he could pay attention to both, but I knew he couldn’t and I got very frustrated because he was going along thinking part of his attention was as good as his full attention and at that even he still doesn’t get overly involved in our experiences.

Then the second thing was that he was making spur of the moment fill-in plans for the day today, which included going out to do something – I forget something with Chris like – oh I know a car show because he wasn’t sure if this year or next but he might want to get a SUV – Like I know that he wants one or is in the market – because he wants to get the boat and he needs something to haul it. But, then we said if you can dream of a car and boat why can’t we dream of a house and why can’t we make plans to see it. This was after saying he was too busy to make plans with us – even though he wasn’t too busy to make other plans spontaneously. But, from there it got sticky fast and I just remember thinking – you want us to go out and do things, but I found some to do and now you are saying no to looking at it with me – like Chris looking at it with him – and no I didn’t have to spend … like I didn’t at Christmas. Just dreams are what they are.

Next thing we were conscious of was that there was a parts switch and Ann the part that was used to being female dominated was out … It was like the system gave up … we can do female submissiveness. It’s just not our best suite. We had a hard time getting out of it … then that part sunk another level with another younger part and we had trouble looking up. We had trouble speaking or making direct eye contact. When Rich asked questions we were unsure, and then could answer some, but was not sure of ourselves. I don’t know cuz I don’t know what directly was being said – just the overriding feeling of feeling miserable like we could hardly breathe. There was something else worthy of remark. I’m not sure if Rich got a phone call or something, but something happened and I realized we were jumping up to take care of his dinner dishes … the thing was that it felt more like we were serving him than anything else … and I’ve got real mixed feelings that need to be figured out of that. I have a sense that we’ve gone through those experiences before, but I don’t remember them with Rich at least not in a long time. As to talking … it feels like talk only if spoken to. There’s one more thing … it’s kind of a sad feeling because we feel we are a disappointment to him as if everything we do makes him feel disappointed in us. I don’t know what to do about that all, except to hope that part doesn’t come back again, but then we see Dr. Marvin and we know that’s not the right thing to hope for either, because all parts have rights.

I don’t know. We ended up watching a movie, but didn’t get real snuggled in. Just an empty space. He didn’t put his arm around us. We scratched his back when he asked I think, but that might be getting mixed up with another time. Then we asked if we could have our fudgicle and go to bed. I think we were pretty tired. I think if there were any real sense about us it was that we were afraid of ourselves for being so draining on him – kind of a sense of hopelessness in our presence. I think the first thoughts have been that we weren’t here to have our own thoughts … that our purpose was to please, but we couldn’t thoroughly do that, because we weren’t worthy of having thoughts good enough. It’s a bad cycle. It comes to being that we hope he just puts up with us.

Wow… had to shake ourselves off there … was just going down some hole. Chief was there. We made him leave too. We ate some dry honeynut Cheerios and then sugar-free pudding – banana chocolate – AND we got ourselves some more coffee. No more down thoughts for a bit, k? This other parts of us keep looking at the picture we did yesterday of the collective office.



We’ve got the blown up picture though from the blog on our screen. It’s what is giving us our sense of hope right now, though we worry about it not being reality so fear which one is worse for us. I think there is this other part though that is so frustrated that we can put together so little reality of our own volition that to live within our imagination is becoming the more preferable of the two. There was a little blurb that came out yesterday with Joe that fretted over being locked outside of Thom’s world. I still worry about if he’ll let me write and try to communicate if he doesn’t want me to communicate now and then if so what will I communicate to him if I spend so little time in reality now. Sometimes I just want a shake that Thomkid like a rag doll and say Sweetie ya just gotta listen. We’ll try not to think some rough sergeant is going to do that to him. Shoot, ok let’s not go up that tree for the moment.

Ok, better collect ourselves here. I think that was a shaky hour … It’s now just a few moments to 7 am. I’m not sure if Rich will be up early – he had said something of omelets this morning … I almost wish he hadn’t. Rich went though and made an old specialty of his – Super Bowl Jambalaya. It was very good – heavy hehehe, but good. I should probably try to empty the dishwasher before he gets up, but I don’t want to wake him up … I don’t remember if his news show is on at 7 am or 8 am. I think somebody is going to need washing some clothes around here. There’s not much left. But, he is going to want to get out to that show now too … so I don’t know.

Hmm, there’s an off thought … something that gets him in trouble with his arguments of not seeing the house. I’m saying we don’t have to buy it – lets just see if our thoughts are in alignment. And, after his argument on not wasting a salesman’s time – and we’re like since when does a salesman deserve to get all his leads? It’s all part and parcel, isn’t it? Then he’s like well I seen that exact house before … where? When? He says then when they first came on the market 35 years ago. How do you then tell a person who is stuck into thinking what came on to the market then is EXACLTLY the same then as now??? It’s like sometimes he’ll think his experience teaching DD is the same with everyone, everywhere, through all time – so why learn anymore – he’s already written the book. I don’t know what to do with that kind of close-mindedness thoughts. Meanwhile … he is holding onto thoughts of controlling his marriage so that he actually doesn’t divorce, but maintains this ideal he’s had going of maintaining two relationships. Ok, let’s not go down that path now though … we’re too unstable of mind for that … it would only come out negative in our behalf. We don’t have to do that.

Hmm, just remembered … we had talked to Joe yesterday about sending him the stuff on self-regulation … I thought he might appreciate, because he was building arguments toward positive – maybe even affirmations in his karate course.

Ahh … just sent the stuff to Joe … I added a little note on spending time with the material and maybe getting the time to sit down together to go over it … would really benefit the help of two good minds. He could do this and really add to the cause. I was really impressed during that portion of the talk yesterday. Joe is going through two portions of the business. The first is the part where he doesn’t think things should cost as much as they do … that being the business part. The second part is that he is going through the school training part and trying to make the program better. Man oh man can I appreciate that.

Hmm, now that our mood is lighter … maybe I can talk a little bit about that. We had called Joe yesterday about 10 or 10:30 I think. We agreed to go out about 1:30 pm with or without Thom – the main thing was that it was Joe’s birthday.

Hmm. Rich is up … It’s almost 8 am now. We are taking a little break we were able to empty the dishwasher, fill it, clean off the counter and take care of the garbage all at being up only one time, but our back was pretty tired. Fishyman had gone downstairs with a load of clothes. I think this problem that we had yesterday is continuing … he is saying what’s the matter and we don’t know how to answer him. If we say something then he’ll just argue and at this point there is nothing to argue about … said is done. I think he believes that if I make any choices or decisions, then I am impinging on his rights and because I don’t have any financial ability to choose anything than I really have no rights. As long as he doesn’t think that he has any relationship or bonds between us as to agreements or plans or commitments or such then he doesn’t … Ahh he’s going to watch his show. That will take some of the friction off. Just I don’t want to be a part. Just we get drawn in by the noise. Later on will get drawn in by the stories. But, as to “dino-squad Hero’s??” Naw … just not there. Ok. I think we don’t want to stay here … I think we need to go back into talking about Joe for a while. Let me check though on the coffee situation, k? I’ve had my medicine and feel better about being as normal as we can get.

Maybe we can use this time to take another step into the goal process … would like to have some ideas for Joe when he asks how is it handy … so far it just seems like some really good ways to think through things. Ok, brb.

Good good … finished the old coffee and made some fresh stuff.

Hmm, just running through a quick scan of how something like the SR could work. I could see that Joe or his other instructors would need to know the different steps, but in consideration of all the things they already know that it is a minor step to learn. I could see sitting down with Joe and going over between us looking for examples and then him sitting down with Sensei Steve to do the same, and then later with the other Sensei’s.

But, in general - in the most far-flung scenario the people involved would understand that SR is taking the initiative of transforming abilities into skills toward the attainment of goals and this is done through forethought, volition, and self-reflection. The five parts of forethought are goal setting, strategic planning, self-efficacy beliefs, goal orientation, and intrinsic interest. The three parts of volition or performance are attention focusing, self-instruction/imagery, and self-monitoring, and the four parts of self-reflection are self-evaluation, attributions, self-reactions, and adaptive practice cycle. Although I might have rephrased some of this – I think most of this comes straight from Zimmerman – though it has to be checked. It’s something that deserves studying time, but at this point we’re just stalling. The last point was trying make it easier a mark to remember. Basically, this could be memorized by Joe or others, right?

The next step – could each then be remembered, and then not far from that – could he or they look at others in training and state easily or fairly easily which part the individual is in or should be in to be going forward. For example – if I were to use one of the last examples of the Circles program I might have to note right off from the start that we spent a lot more time in the performance section than the forethought or self-reflective processes. It is always an ongoing struggle, especially with the few key people in each group to be catching their attention directly which would be a part of the attention focusing parts or challenges. In a sense just looking briefly, I would say that they seem to be their own worst distractions. But, since I would figure people aren’t the distraction logically, but that people HAVE distractions, then it would be my job as an instructor to understand and help them manipulate those distractions.

The self-instruction/imagery part – I think of the manner of which I teach the sections on talk, touch, and trust. To help each of the groups get through it I helped them to associate talk with touching their mouths, touch with touching their fingertips, and trust with touching their hearts. I’ve drilled each of the groups on this over several sessions – if not most. By giving them the gestural cues – we could consider this imagery. We’ve tried to keep them doing it in the same order moving downward from lips to hands to heart hoping they could teach themselves by repetition and by watching and coaching themselves and each other. The self-monitoring part is giving them ongoing support through the different weeks as they’ve made progress – oh you’re getting better! This time you remembered to … !! Ok, look at so and so I think she’s got it … ok do it again now, k? Let’s go around the table now real quick lets see if we can do it! Ok, now let’s change up!

I think I could go over other examples of forethought and self-reflection the same way, but that’s not the point right now. The thing is to help Joe learn the steps – and for that matter the DSPs – though they won’t be as good a learners as the black-belts. I think the bottom line is the more conscientious is the thought of learning processes the better able you are in controlling it … if everyone is reinforcing the same thing and you are getting support and forwarding yourself through your own examples – like the form was meant to do then you will support your own fresh new ideas. At that time reading the actual literature could be added to the structure you’ve already developed through life examples.

Hmm, just skimmed through the forethought procedures and what came to mind is having a non-threatening engagement with Rich where we can be progressing a situation without threat to each other. I think that would be a good learning goal. Would take some patience. I think as a goal maybe we would need to understand better the dynamics of how we work together as a team. I think sometimes we seem to bristle each other because our needs are different. Where I needed Rich to be more flexible, he needed me to be more ?? Maybe more realistic? Are those two opposites? I don’t know … hurts my mind to look at it … Thing is that if you live in a world where nothing is realistic – then you have to do your best within your imagination. We stretched that a bit further by saying if you cannot imagine it then how could you make your dreams come true. Like how does an Olympian come to be if he can not dream it?

I think that Rich and sometimes only me see only the avenue where he does all the work – but, that’s because he draws the only picture sometimes limiting both our lives to only his vision. A good part because if he controls the money it’s only him that controls the dreams. BUT, with our writing … we can control our own dreams. If we feel we are miles from something happening we just work through it within our minds interest. It takes a lot of pressure off the situation to decorate a place and then live with it – rather than not being able to dream at all. And, with the blog – I feel I can live out any situation I can see. Most often I’m limited in that I want to feel my experience as potential of being real. I want to dream that it is all able to be real – for example that I can write for years and all of a sudden one day become a world great author with all these years work feeding my hard earned plans of this piece of furniture or that why not plan out my most ideal life.

That’s something about Joe’s life though. I felt he was doing something in real life that was dynamic in reality and dream. With Joe it’s always been – go Joe!!! I think it’s going to be the same with Thom – and then we only need to be concerned with Maury. I think we need to give him a call today and check in on him. Ok, later, maybe before Super Bowl. Pretty sure he’ll be over at his Dad’s. That’s ok. We’ll manage. It’s ok.

One of the thoughts that we’ve had flittering around this morning is that we’d like to be more of an able person so that we could share Joe’s dreams, but then they wouldn’t be Joe’s dreams. Who’s to say that he’s not already yards ahead of us? But, just on the outskirts that we have something to offer him – I’d like to see that happen. He was a little down in some respect … I reminded him yesterday … that just like Thom going into the military and taking the tests to find that he’s actually quite gifted as to others – Joe too is a cut above the rest and that if he doesn’t get too tied down he will realize that the job he is doing now is good in that it is teaching him order and discipline, but that it is not going to be his total end-all position in life and that he’s got something much bigger ahead of himself. I believe in him this much and more. I do the same for all our boys.

I think part of that came with the conversations that we had with Joe being concerned with the relationship issues he’s had with his immediate supervisor. The word we used between the two of us was that she was inadequate. I think that he has to realize that she’s in the position for one reason or another and that he’s yards above her, but stuck with wherever she is in life – basically, she got there first after taking a long time and he’s surpassed her in just the first few months. Joe talked about it already – he’s gone over her head … I don’t think he realizes that this might have caused the girl problems – think she’s about 30 years old. But, it seems as if they are getting along better, because it seems like management is learning from Joe to better educate the supervisor … funny position for Joe to be teaching management to be teaching his supervisor how to be better in her position to him. Hehehe – yah yah … it be a Garvey thing to do.

We just got back … Rich seemed to be gone for a long time … so we turns out – met him at the back door … he was coming up from checking on the laundry. We were quiet … felt lonely for him. He said that we got to let him do stuff like clothes by himself. We thought we’d let him be by himself All morning so far. But, he gave us a hug and a kiss anyway. So then he said he was going back to his Sunday morning show and he asked if we were going back to our writing. He said that he thought we were down because of our mother and suggested that we write about it … we told him we didn’t want to think about that and that we were writing about Joe … I guess I hadn’t thought about it. He said we get down after we talked to her each time. Maybe there is some truth in that. That general sense of hopelessness.

She called back when Rich was around … he was making his dinner and had then come out and ate it while she was talking … just remember we were going … uh huh uhhuh periodically. There was stuff being said we didn’t think of … ‘cept we told Joe the part of her owning a gun and why would someone like OUR mother want to be carrying a gun? That was a very dangerous thought. And, that no WE should NEVER carry a gun and we were pretty adamant that she wasn’t sane enough to do so either. It’s different when someone’s been given 10-12 years of training – cuz Joe reminded us he carried a knife, but he’s a black belt – he knows all of it. He went through the steps … like first you have a mind that tells you how not to get in bad situations, then eyes, then mouth, then on and on … everything came ahead of the next to keep you safe before you ever had to use something dangerous. My mother – shoot. Ok, that’s enough of that.

We’re not up to there … we’re at 9 am and about page 8 – maybe about page 14. Grrrr.

Hmm, we didn’t even get to this really neat part. What we did with Joe yesterday. Like we left you with … we got showered and dressed and stuff … and we had enough time to get $100 before getting to his place 5 minutes early. YAAYYY MOM! There’s always balance of talk and movement … and we told Joe about he pays for dinner out of his birthday money, but he chooses the place. Hehehe first instinct when I tell this to the boys is that we go to MickeyD’s . SmartAlec’s! Instead, he decided Outbacks, but after driving there (1:30 pm), we found it only opens at 3:00 pm. So, then he figured that we’d drive down a popular strip with sit-down restaurants.

It was a short ordered thing … he suggested a couple of foreign places. We said we’ve never been … and then he said – I never realized you .. then he said something to make me seem like I was close-minded, but it was softer – I forget. So, then we said defensively … Am not! Then he said Beni-hana’s or SOMETHING like that … and we said – won’t have to eat live fish, right? Naw – he said won’t have to do that … so we said ok, and then we made the right turns and got in the place no problem.

I figured after a bit that we’d heard of the place before, but we didn’t have any forethought of it. But, the first few steps in it we thought, hmm, is $100 going to be enough … we are going to need supplementing the birthday money. But, I remember saying to Joe the colors and feelings of the place were very warm and welcoming. It was large and woodsie and blended and smelled good and such. We were brought to a table. Joe said something about maybe needing to share a table. We were a little nervous, but then reassured ourselves-himselve – we’re ok, right? We’re in it for an adventure? Joe agreed by silence of happy expectation of his beautiful wonder.

We sat at the end of a comfortable sized U table and there was a group of 3 black women with a small 5-6 year old boy at the other end … there was like 3 chairs in between us so it felt good, like we were together, but not. Everything was soooo nice. Our orders were taken … I was a little intimidated by my dinner costing $25, but I had gone in determined I would have steak and shrimp and they had all the other stuff that went with it. Joe had a $17 chicken dinner. I had no idea what to expect. Opposite the U was where the waiter – looked like a business owner – very respectable stood. He also handed out the cloths to wipe our hands and the plate to take them back.

Things happened like clockwork … servers came in with first soup – onion and then later salad. Then came the biggest surprise … meeting our chef. It hadn’t occurred to us yet fully that he was going to make a very big show of making everyone dinner … It was marvelous! Just excellent. It’s much better to show someone in graphics. But, I suppose we might have mishmashed that when we showed Rich our Japanese cooking demonstration with knives flying in the air! Hehehe – it was a very special show – especially with our karate kid AND with the small boy across us who FINALLY stopped wigglin hehehe. He was ALL eyes AS was OUR Joe!

Let’s see how much I can remember … I think the first thing he put on the very large grill was huge slices of onions and shrimp and long something that looked something like celery, but wasn’t that got mixed with onions. Oh and there was mushrooms. I can’t do it damn the knife blades went in and out and up and around and swished and swashed and they never stopped moving … it was an eye feast! He put a little shrimp on each person’s plate and then he made a volcano of the onions by stacking them backwards and pouring something into the middle of them that made them smoke upward … that was cool. Then in a couple of slashes he tore it down and it was split with the other stuff and also served up … and then he made this beautiful dish of fried rice and people started really eating and we did our whole thing with chop-sticks … good mom and Joe – good effort!

We didn’t do much talking in-between all the food preparation because everything was just glistening in visual artistry and Joe and us were both so absorbed. Turns out that all was though like an appetizer. The next part started for real. I think the key was that all the food was prepared in the proper serving amounts a small plate or bowl of this or that. I mean he did all the cooking or chopping … most everything he chopped so it could be eaten without a knife and sauces were all prepared. Most of the stuff was done with the big chopping knife that acted like a spatula. And, the grill was kept very clean with a squeegee type scraper and washcloths. Everything was done in small groups he made things like scallops, chicken, shrimp, steak, lobster – you name it very good variety and only for the six people sitted at our table. I was so incredibly amazed at how it went together and how quickly the guy was just terrific. As he finished each he just slipped it on the plates that were already in front of each person. Everything was done very naturally.

The food was excellent. I would recommend doing this again for special occasions. I don’t think Rich would like the onions and mushroom parts which is an incredible part of the meal and I’m not sure what would be substituted in, but everything else … WOW! He should see it with us. Hmm, he’d have to get through expense though. I could see him taking his son out before him taking us out. I think he likes to impress the boy. And, rightly so … it’s a parent thing to want to impress the kids. I had never thought of this pre-wise in a million. Can’t believe our good odds at it happening AND on Joe’s B-day … He is officially 24 years old now. We made sure to sing him happy birthday between rounds. I was extremely happy with how things turned out. Oh and there were a few other things too. There was a slushy drink with strawberries, berries, and bananas – no alcohol and a scoop of chocolate ice cream. We tipped well. J

There’s more coming up with the conversations on other stuff, but Rich went down and I’m pretty sure he’s bringing up clothes this time. I don’t want to start quite yet on the next part … whoops was right … brb.

Ok, just for a few moments now. It is about 11:11 well – actually that time exactly. Rich just stepped into the shower. I think the new thing is that he is going to leave about ??? Damn after all that work we are like have maybe forgotten it again like either 1:45 or 3:45 pm I’m not sure. I think it was like a 5 pm game plus he had to go out early to pick up a few things like getting flowers for the hostess and something for the host, but maybe go out and get quarters for the towel load and a quick trip to the library, but somewhere in there it was decided he was going too quick to take me to the hardware store where I really wanted to go … he said I’d have to take my wheelchair and that slow him up to much so HMPF on that!

It took us a long time before we got to parts that were able to talk to him regular. Don’t know how to explain all that … I think we are both referring to the first as the Stepford wife one … we were watching him make eggs and we like said something then we told him he had to say something and it was like then he was telling us our problems and somewhere we squeaked in that we wanted to be able to tell him sometime one of his problems we would like to discuss, but then it got layered over and then finally he said what was his one problem, but we’d forgotten because the parts switched, but then after about 7-8 minutes we remembered and it took a few more to remember the key word “close-minded,” but by then he had to go down for clothes and then we cleaned up the kitchen and met for clothes and it wasn’t until after the socks and he was down to his underwear or something ready for the shower until someone of us said something about thanks for the conversation on close-minded … he said that we didn’t have to discuss it anymore because he already knew the discussion.

But, then that part said something and I don’t remember, but she flowed out something starting about how that was exactly the problem – how perfect it was that a close-minded person couldn’t even entertain a conversation on close-minded because how close-minded he was – or something like that – she did it really well and it ended circularly in some way I don’t understand, but the jist was that she was entitled to say something damn I guess I don’t know what she said, but she had him because she said whatever and the thing was she could say it and it wasn’t something he could argue about … the thing was she could say it and that could be it. Period. Or something like that. It is very confusing to come in afterward. Bu

But, she was very outspoken and he just started a gaggle of laughter maybe because of the contrast in parts or something I don’t know, but then another part maybe more goofy came out and was like warning him playfully about not getting his choice of saying no I want a quiet part, no I want a noisy part, no I want, I want, I want. SHEESH! We’ll be having our coffee out here … Yes smooches … go take your shower that’s fine!

Hmm, he’s out of the shower now. That’s kind of a thing now too … which part for him next? Do we stop writing and jump into the bedroom to receive him? Man where the hell are we anyway? Can’t we just write? No, we aren’t writing – well yes, we were writing about our Joe and yes it can wait, but what points do we want to be making with him next? I think the underlying thing here is that we want him to be more open-minded because we want to manipulate him into seeing the Somerset place with us. Ok, so what end are we REALLY having in mind here? I think Manipulate is the right word, but we could easily slip back into open-mindedness – like if you don’t have a dream which path should be followed and all that … and there was something about planning something together and taking the lead and who is in control and man there’s all kind of loaded things. I guess we have a whole bunch of stuff to figure out, but chances are that he isn’t going to get very far until he looks at this place. Why? I don’t know … cuz it’s what we want … can’t have a dialogue until he opens his mind.

Well, I guess that option is closed. He already got dressed. There was something in there about the writing too. I think he felt he gave in like man what all could we be writing about because after all we wrote all morning, but then we mentioned that before his time we’d write 10-16 hours without much break straight through. I am thinking that unless we stop to study something that it could be that kind of thing now. Hmm, that was part of the argument the last person had put down that if he didn’t allow us to be a part of the thought processing that he was going to limit our life to only what he could think and at the current time that was unacceptable because we were very intelligent, and had an entire realm of other thoughts we could potentially be thinking.

*Sigh* Ok, we’re back. It’s now 2:11 pm. Rich has been gone for about an hour. We’ve eaten lunch and we’ve created our dream bag. You could as well call it our imagination bag, our magic carpet bag, or our hope chest. Yes, we are just back from fighting dragons once again. I think the conclusion of this last tussle was that Rich says – though not direct that we can’t afford to dream and I say we then MUST absolutely dream! I think that must be the most relevant point.

In the meantime, we had sex and he did some bookkeeping and we watched on … and such and such. I know we live strangely. As Rich was going through his mail, he opened the one with a very nice blue and black nylon case about the size of a lunch bag. Hmm, where’d that come from we asked. He explained it came as a promotion for him having ordered his bass magazine. Interesting … are you going to use it? He said he was thinking about using it for his lures. We thought quickly to ourselves. Nah … the man’s got too many lure bags. We need this bag for our imagination bag. So we told Rich. He scoffed. You need a bag for your imagination? Next thought that came to mind was … well sure … Mary Poppins had one! AHA! Couldn’t fight that logic. Went a couple more light rounds and we got upset again about something else, so we gave it back, but then he came out and said THAT was a low blow, so we figured we might as well keep it!

We found some extra scissors and an extra pen and placed them in the smaller pouch and we used the scissors first to cut out our pictures of the furniture that we’d collected so far. Then we also put in the bag on the bottom some of the information from the home. I think we’re going to put out the directions that if it’s in our ‘magination bag – he can’t HURT IT! That IS A RULE! And, THEN maybe if he’s NICE maybe he CAN look at it! He’s been asking us to get another hobby anyway … so we’ll just start shopping around! MAYBE we’ll let him help us with choices, BUT only if he is nice … MAYBE like a REWARD. BUT he HAS TO play NICE!

Funny to think all this time, but we never go shopping really together. I don’t think we buy ANY thing together, or have to make decisions with each other. Too argumentative. Maybe it would be a break for us to try settling things between objects that aren’t life and death? I think that if I’m ever going to help him he is going to need to learn to work WITH me and not be the person ALWAYS to make decisions! Apparently, we struck a nerve with being close-minded – mostly because he came up with examples from work of being close-minded and being called on the carpet for it. I don’t think he sees it or understands it, nor does he see it in his family. I probably do the same in our family, just not all the time or with everyone. Thom gets like ok, I don’t need you. I think Maury talks to me sometimes, maybe doesn’t need me much, nor does Joe. It’s a little scary when they listen to you because you don’t know if they will decide that you are crazy.

Yesterday, we told Joe about the house and picking out imaginary furniture. We told him that we might be acting a little obsessively. We told him that we do it to block out things that we don’t want to think about like last Thursday for our Doctor appointment, we blocked out for 40 minutes with conversation on the house to prevent a conversation where we talked about Thom being in the military. He seemed to understand that, but I think he’s probably having a hard time understanding that himself. I think its going to be an important thing to keep talking about.

Yesterday, we told him where we were at with our processing of Thom stuff and we told him about the Department of Defense knocking on our computer and about saving the $600 so that we could go to California. We told him about the dates of Thom’s graduation and having read they express encouraging effort before hand and letter writing in the middle and BEING AT the graduation. We told Joe that he and his brother ought to be there and that since he was talking to his grandmother he should sense out whether or not he could get funding. We also told him that Rich might come, although he hadn’t talked about it and most likely we figured wouldn’t be at the ceremony … though I could see how important it would be to me. Chances are he won’t and I will sit alone, but that will be ok with me. Just have to be careful with the surgery stuff. Hmm, that will be a definite consideration, but I can’t imagine the two other boys leaving the Garvey’s side.

The point was with Joe … he was listening although he didn’t talk with us so we are uncertain to his thoughts. We don’t know if we are appearing crazy to him, we do know we appear somewhat crazy to us. We don’t know when it is that people jump the fence. I feel sometimes as if I’m straddling it. Sometimes, I feel I’m holding on to a ledge trying to remain attached to the side most call reality, but I’m never quite sure if I fully like or accept it. Sometimes it disappoints me and I feel a need to escape to the other side. Rich said earlier that we’d been depressed and withdrawn. I don’t think he was sure of his approach to us. Don’t know if we had a solution for that either. I know it took a bit of time to get us where we could talk again. During one part he was kinda like yelling again … and he had looked in his date book and said the TWENTY-THIRD IS THAT OK, THE TWENTY-THIRD THAT IS THE DATE I WILL LOOK AT THE HOUSE! But, that was followed by about 14 more good reasons that he didn’t want to look at the house and I remember that we were feeling pretty down again when he left the room. He had gotten up and sort of edged his way out.

I think if we were to name a victor of that battle he would have gotten the prize. We felt desolated. I have a hard time picking up words during those exchanges. Let me think pretty much maybe something about leading salesmen on … now I’m thinking you just have to be honest straight up … we’re looking because this would be like my dream home, but we won’t be able to afford it, would you mind if Rich saw it though too? I want him to know what I thought was the ideal home. If they wanted just to sell it they could say no, but if they didn’t mind then nobody is hurt. For that, we could wait til the 23rd. But, we would not arrange the date, until we were sure Rich could handle it. Mostly because he was still spouting like a teapot as he was complaining about having to go through that kind of degradation. I think he was worried about having to lie about being interested. My thought now is that we just have to fix that.

At the time, we just shut down. We aren’t able to easily handle that kind of anger and frustration. It was the same kind of anger as the day that Rich found out we’d bought the car. I think this is very much tied to things that he’d gone through in his marriage and his feelings being expressed now are like the tip of the iceberg. I’m thinking there will be a lot more of these incidents following. He’s got a lot of hurt and anger in there that wasn’t able to be expressed earlier, and in the meantime, we have to be careful with our own vulnerabilities. We don’t think conscientiously about things like closing down, but in affect it happens. We can’t really talk, we look down and feel very sorrowfully. We’re scared and easily intimidated. I remember hearing the sound of Rich’s feet as he paced back and forth getting his things together. The sound of his footsteps were exaggerated to our ears.

We looked up at the clock before Rich came back out of the bedroom though. We knew even though we were in this poorer condition that it was time for Rich to go. Rich finished his tasks and then he stood close to us. Impulsively, we reached out and pulled his warm body close to ours. We remained in the seated position and he stood with his hand warmly on top of our head. We squeezed tightly. I don’t think either of us likes when the “scarier” stuff happens. We got up and saw him to the door, which is the household tradition. *Sigh* One regular smooch, two smooches on the top of our head, and one nice hug.

I don’t know what to say really about all the stuff that’s burning up inside of Rich … I could see how he doesn’t want to get stuck inside another purchase house decision again. He’s figured out that a house would cost him about $2,700 a month and he says there’s already $4000 out plus my 2500, but then he admits we pay for my $2500 and his families USED to be $3000, but now seems to have grown, and he’s out looking for a new car and boat. I think his wife has now stopped working. She has placed herself on disability. I think it was to become more sympathetic. I don’t know what she plans on doing. It seems just more shows, but eventually the money?

I remember getting frustrated silly and shouting well then I’LL JUST HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE MONEY!!!

So, we got stuck back in that position as Rich waged about not being a good house-taking care of person. I look at this long over-extended bathroom project and I could see how he’s gotten himself extended that way. We had a hard time tolerating that we could be held down to what? Did this mean we weren’t going to be able to live in a $300,000 home? How about a $200,000 where exactly did we fit in. Then he also raged out something about 40 or 50 church people (his wives church) living there and that one of them would see him and wreck holy hell with his wife. I really don’t care about her right now … I’ve been mentally fitting her in for 14 years, I just want her to take care of herself, but she’s getting more and more helpless. Or, maybe Rich has more and more needs to control. I don’t know which it is anymore. But, I know he’s struggling. I couldn’t even begin to tell you, which process of divorce he’s in. In a sense I think he’s trying to negotiate, but I think all they’ve negotiated is that she sends him the bills – opened and he writes out the check, balances the accounts and completes the taxes. I really don’t see the divorce parts happening.

I think because that’s not happening that Rich is having a hard time going on with dreams for himself and us. How can he make dreams if he’s preoccupied with “the other woman?” Or, maybe more accurately preoccupied with running the other woman’s life. And, from there this terrible plot goes back to the small things like not moving his things out of the house, no matter how difficult it makes her life to move around them.

Ok, we didn’t mean to go here either. Where are we now headed … that’s only bringing us to a panic. As to US being the one to make the money. It keeps coming back to the same old tired story … We have to sell our story to make the money and we don’t know how to do that.

Getting your book published ... hmm, ok better look at this

Yeeks! 5 pm Super Bowl!!!

posted by Ann Marie @ 2/04/2008 07:28:00 AM Comments: 1