We could try to call this something else but it's pretty much just obsession
Good morning. This is me. We’re ummm back … was just over lookin at some umm – particular red hot purchases from yesterday … wooHOOO!!!We didn’t last very long on the surprises though. We didn’t show Rich the items, but we’re pretty close … we told him that we spent $2400 on clothes for him yesterday, and then we pretty much soft begged him to let us tell him what we bought him because we thought it would make him feel better. We thought he was feeling down in the dumps all weekend and it coming to an end. Fortunately, we think he was going to stay home today, with the exception of washing his blanket from his old place. I was very happy to hear that. He would have to go out for more quarters, but I think it is going to make him feel cozier and I’m all for that … we were softly chiding him on the way out that he should be climbing back into bed. I think he might. He was getting a restless sleep and didn’t get to bed until after 11 pm, because since he was gone all weekend – clothes were late in getting in.
My poor baby. He’s such a hard worker
I think that we’ve kept tabs over most the weekend with where we’ve been so we won’t try retracing even though we don’t know for ourselves now how it all happened. We are at work and that’s the most important. Candice most likely is in, but upfront.
We got in late, but got the perfect spot up front where the snow wasn’t built up so
much. I’d forgotten how bad the city streets were for parking. I hadn’t noticed it all the way in, but then we were on main streets, not the side streets. TWO MAJOR DIFFERENCES!
Hmm, I forgot there is a couple housekeeping notes. After we finished shopping, we laid down after that and taking medicine – about 6:10 pm. We had very cold hands – especially our right fingers. We slept for about an hour when Rich came home.
Moments before that someone beside Rich rang, but we didn’t get up to answer it because we didn’t want to get up. We had had a hard time going to bed because the air was escaping toward our eyes and cold tears were going down our cheeks – and we couldn’t wipe it off because we were sitting on our hands. We had turned off all the lights in the house, but the computers and the light over it and there was Chrismas music and the tree lights and music. But, we were afraid of the rest of the house just like the olden days. We were whimpery when Rich came in.
It took us a bit to readjust and I think he was helping us. He was putting away food. I don’t remember all the order, but I think we both got clothes and then he went downstairs, and I made him a margarita slushy and then when he came up he had that and I had both a FUDGECYCLE AND a GREEN JELLO!!! OOEEYYY!!! I was cooking … Hehehe obviously we’d warmed up some! We talked and listened … he talked a lot about his mom and stuff. It was a long talk, but he said that he was definitely sick. That didn’t make us too happy. He did more clothes somewhere in there and there was part of the time we went in and massaged him for a cycle … that’s when he listened to us talking about all the clothes we got for him. He just listened though. I think his nose was stuffy and he just didn’t feel good. He didn’t really ask any questions or say much. I felt a little let down. *Sigh*
Then we got him another drink and sat down to watch TV with him, but I think something must have happened … hmm, I remember a kid or two of his called, and he switched the channel once or twice, but I don’t remember if I fell asleep before he put me to bed or if he put me to bed. I don’t think I watched any TV though. Just was massaging his back. I know, I know … he must have the most massaged back, right!?
This morning when we woke up … it was already 6:45 am … we knew we were going to be late. So, we relaxed to it. Obviously, the worst part is that we got to tell Sr. we’re coming in late AGAIN… We waited for about an hour when we could figure it would be about an hour. We were pretty on track there and she wasn’t here when we got here … we left in the message that we’d stay after tonight. I think that’s fair, especially since we have an 8:30am doc appointment tomorrow … we got to go through the 8:30 am stress test booo booo!!!
Ok, you shhhh….
Yes ma’am
Anyway. We did our shower and bathroom thing, and woke up Sweetie and then did our weigh in thing … and you know what?? 316.4 this morning! That’s like down 14 pounds!!!! I was so happy. I’m not sure where it has come from yet, but I think it’s helped in a few areas. I can hold my leg on my lap when putting my shoes and socks on … and I’m able to not be as stressed out getting from the front of the building to the back. I can walk back AND open my shades, and take off my coat and put it away and sit-down without running into an exhausted panic attack. That’s a good thing. I tried to push myself last night. I emptied a ¾ dishwasher and filled it 1/3 and then tried to fit in the turkey pan, but that proved too much standing.
But, we’re working on it, right?
I was a lot more comfortable getting dressed today with 8 items. Didn’t get out of breath, went and did my hair, fixed my color around light black inner jacket, got my food items for first day of week, packed my bag all standing before sitting down to take my pills. I found that was great … I wasn’t dying either! Think it’s a good idea to be taking some notes.
I’m a little worried about a before and after picture though … I think I’m going to need asking Rich to take one … have to figure out where it should be taken. We don’t have many good tall backdrops. Maybe next to the lounge part of the couch in front of the encyclopedia book shelves – that way we’ll get some surround idea. I can be pretty sure those books and couch aren’t going anywhere. I should have taken a picture last week, but I didn’t know that I would lose weight so quickly this week.
Hehehe … brandi just came in to use the hole punch. The FIRST thing she noticed was the baby lotion by the back of my phone – by the Kleenex in front of the door on corner of the desk. *giggle* When I was at home and it had occurred that I had those two new bottles and that Rich didn’t want to use them on my feet – I figured one for work and that Brandi might help me use one. Sure enough … within the first time she passed through our office to weigh herself she spotted the big plump bottle of hand lotion and reached for it! WooHOO … I love it sharing with her … If seems just like the most friendly thing!
AHA! She’s been back now twice … it’s now 10:20 am and we’ve just had our V-8.
Very good stuff. We got the one with 70% less sodium. We’ll ask Rich if they have this one in the smaller cans, but we’re not ready to switch to those and have to take on the salt. This time though … we have to fridgerate. *Sigh* We forgot to tell Rich to get some cups … We’d like about a 6 oz size – maybe a little more over a little less. Want to go to the fridge and bring it back. He’ll like the idea that we’re walking that much more each day – and at that at least twice a day. The last bottle at home, we shouldn’t have opened until the weekend, and it definitely spoiled
Oh man … One more week AND then it’s CHRISTMAS BREAK!!!
Ok girls we can do this. Did we finish with Sweetie this morning. Hmm, not sure ..
Oh something with the picture and the weight. We thought for a longer minute after using the washroom and we called in the faithful Brandi and asked her to take a Before picture and then we took a before picture of her. Actually a couple of pictures each the one facing the camera and the one of the side view. The person with the camera stood right in front of my writing desk and lined the camera the length way on the corner of the tall computer desk, so it got just a corner of the greenery on top, and a corner of the white folders from the bookshelves. That way when the person stood in front of the desk – the camera would capture the person and the lines from the tall shelving behind it for perspective – including at least one of the monitors for the computer. I think Brandi’s picture you can see both monitors. The lighting was so-so … actually pretty good for a sunny winter day no clouds and with a fluorescent. Unfortunately, my forehead is shiny showing not much hair
Brandi recommended that I take the black sweatshirt off, but I know how much of me shows under the pink plaid shirt. It’s fine in the summer, but not in the winter.
The black is much more refined and “like” a “good enough” shot. I checked it in the mirror in the bathroom before asking Brandi to take the picture. It’s not super defined .. in that the desk is darker, but it outlines against the white books. The skirt is dark jean material so it just gives a BIG rounded snowman appearance … which is good enough for me. The same goes for the front. There is a little pink line down the middle where the shirt is and it separates at the bottom suggesting that I’m pulling the shirt out at the hips. With this shirt – it might be a standing exaggeration, but it makes a “before shot” point. HEAVY! Brandi just made one comment with her picture … something about it showing the weight. When I looked at her picture I realized compared to mine with the same backdrop – how she’s like half the width of me, BUT she does have one obvious roll in the middle that isn’t being covered discretely by the shirt. She’s wearing a long john type cream colored white shirt today … looks comfy, *Sigh* Women … we’re never satisfied.
That is exactly why though when the doctor said basically settle for less, we said no. Brandi weighs like almost exactly 100 pounds lighter than me. But, she’s not happy at her weight … so, why should I be? I remember being over 200 … I thought I was VERY overweight! Nope, nope … this time next year … I hope to have busted 200 …
They call it being in the century club. I think that’s what I’ll want to give me for my next year’s Christmas present. Woohoo!!! Then may settle on the following Christmas enough weight – 200 pounds so that by my 50th birthday I can get surgery to lift all the extra – or at least some of the extra skin – if that hasn’t happened already. I want to be a skinny half century old. So long with the bad for me 40’s. Man … I can’t believe it, but that’s really what it’s been about … Just a really bad century for weight. We’re going to make the 50’s healthy!
Ok, shhh we’re not going to obsess the end-40’s though, k?
In general, I’m really happy with the Before pictures. I know I’m really overweight, but some people look really miserable. I look like one of those people who made the most of her time. And, if I’m this successful heavy how will I be light? Maybe I will even do more work at work. I’m avoiding that subject, but it should be at least mentioned here. Sr. Theresa stopped by after chapel. That was about 75-90 minutes ago? I’m not sure … seems like she was just here. She had one of my cards in hand. I haven’t been giving her many … I think that’s how she knows I haven’t been doing much work. That and this time she asked what I was doing and I couldn’t specifically tell her. She looked over my shoulder and this was up.
I don’t think from the far chair she could read it, and there wasn’t anything else up but an empty AOL screen so that was good – been expecting her really. But, she did ask the near-fatal question – what have you been working on that just leaves me stumbly … ohhhh uuumm. She’s not mean about she’s like ummmm- hmmmm, ummm –hmmm, well, I would like to have … then she named a project that isn’t real hard, but is something that requires some coordination on my part. She says she would like to coordinate a project over the holiday for the state inspection and would like my part done. That means that if I do absolutely nothing else between now and then … she expects that tiny little part in … and the excuse I gave her she reminded me that I should have done. And, I haven’t started it yet.
If you goof off long enough eventually even if your boss isn’t going to get real mad at you … she’s eventually going to say, hmmm? Work? Do you remember that part?
Hmmm? And, then we have to say, Damm … Busted. I hate when that happens.
So, today not this very instance today, but today … we have to seriously figure out how to do something very work like and we already know we have to stay after work, because we told her so … and we should make up time tomorrow because we have to go to the heart appointment … and by the way the lady called and she said come in by 8 am. To I think 3c … but that should be confirmed .. I think something c. Anyway … Rich is going to be gone doing basketball or daughter every day this week, so we should stay after every day and make up some work time and credit. Well, maybe not Friday that’s a party day and OUT the door day! Sr. Theresa DID NOT mention coming in late, but she could have easily. I have to stop taking advantage of that.
Rich’s later night schedules are throwing me off even if I’m getting to bed no later than 9 pm. I used to be in bed by 8 pm to get up my early hours. And, I’m more prone to sit that last few moments with him. This morning I am pretty sure that he was going to get his few things and crawl back into bed before his game tonight. I’m really hoping after he washes his blanket, he will do exactly that.
Last thing I want is for him to be up doing business and wearing himself down more.
He’s rejecting my found solution of putting Vick’s vapor rub on the bottom of his feet. This is now his third cold this year compared to my zero. But, I’m going to try it if I get a cold. BUT, I’m thinking I take enough vitamins and wash hands with the sanitizer … and am around that much less people, that I can really much better avoid it. With Rich’s workshops and tournaments … he sees thousands of people a week, yeeks!!
Ok, so he doesn’t touch all those people … but what happen if they all use the washroom? Hmm? Man what a catastro … Ok ok … shhh
What avoid work … me?
Did you see that it’s already 11:15 am? Almost time for lunch. No, like I’m not ready to be making a plan. Ok, then … I know I know … something has to happen … we might not be concentrating fully. Ok, I could buy that. Ok, lets make two plans.
One plan for the next 45 minutes 11:15 – 12. And, then another plan from 12-6, but that can be of course broken down into smaller plans.
Ok, first. We might need to use the washroom again. We also need to fill up the water bottle … we need to take-in lunch … and, we need to finish our writing, or at least get to a point with it so we are writing only about business, or putting it down to work on business directly. Does that sound like a plan? Ok, maybe a little vague. Why don’t we use the washroom now before they come in, or would you like to go up front and get the mail. Hmm? Yes, maam.
Ok, here is where we are now. It’s 11:36. We’ve used the washroom upfront, filled our water, found some Dixie cups, put away our V8, picked up our mail, looked through it, and ate most of our lunch. It takes awhile to eat the Optima. Makes you feel full right away – that and the Jell-O – well of course, after you play with it … shoot, Jell-o is Jell-o! I could see how important it is to do the texture part.
We were thinking that we might want to add the cottage cheese next time that Rich goes to the store, but we might ask him to find a bathroom size Dixie cup or something to use for it so we get the right measurement each time. We are doing great on not cheating and that texture would be wild! I think with the lunch break 20 minutes we’re going to dabble a little in protein.
Oh man-o-man … it’s now 1:06 pm. We just got back from the washroom again. We walked past and laughed with the group because we heard them shushing each other because Miss Ann was walking by … I said you are only quiet when I come by? Hehehe Funny geese!
I feel a bit flush, little dizzy. I tried figuring out the diet, but I couldn’t. I did find a good assistant devise – couldn’t figure out though how to get it in our blog. I did get it in the AOL bar here at work. I’ll add it to the home one when I get there.
http://www.highproteinfoods.net/#
This is it. It’s great … it’s got all kinds of links and tools to check the
contents of foods by categories for low and high amounts of proteins. I should have figured that be big business to someone. It’s not got too many ads though. It tells protein by size and it adds calorie and protein by calorie and percent of something else. I don’t know the significance of that yet. But, then I got confused because I didn’t know if it was 15 grams of protein that was important per day, or per meal. Like if you were going to eat a Beef tenderloin I had to split it up because 1 ounce was already 7.7 grams and 2 ounces would have been the daily quota? That be just too tough? And, I don’t know if that’s just early on or later. The combination of 1 ounce and a couple of cups of veggie juice would about do me in and the combination of an ounce of steak and a slim fast at 10 grams protein would take me way over. So, I figure I better stop until I could ask more questions. But, nonetheless, the site was helpful. It got me to thinking.
I could see if you were counting protein grams – it would be less important to be counting calories. If you are counting ½ cups and ounces, you’d probably never meet the daily 3500 calorie counts to gain a pound. I was wondering too. What the size of the new stomach was … I knew they said about the size of an egg, or some say a golf ball. 4 ounce comes to mind or 10 centimeter – maybe less, but all that is foggy. Just need more info. I don’t usually do think in either of those two dimensions. I understand that’s why I’m not a doctor. Uhuh … I’m sticking with that story! Sheesh … I’m going to worry now if 5 beans at .355 grams is going to fit in my tummy … then memories of the people from the room saying that we’re going to appreciate baby food for a while came to mind … mashed chicken … I’m gonna like that? I know Jell-O really was a hit this weekend … I could imagine. But, the point should be … I can’t make my mind stop thinking of these things. I’m way into obsessed and my boss is expecting work before I go this week.
Ok, that was a big deal. I went and talked to Sr. Theresa. I told her why I was distracted. And, I reminded her of tomorrows heart stress test, but that I might not want to be at the holiday party with all the food. She reminded me that I could be in the room with the clients and not the party with the staff, but that didn’t seem to be a good idea to me. I told her I didn’t know how I would be at that time, but it seemed like it might be pretty confusing. She reminded of me I didn’t want to get me into a situation of not having a pay check. I said that I had like 29 days, so I might be at about 27 or 25, but I thought that it was going to be only 2-3 weeks out … we talked about the surgery process coming up with insurance and all after the 6th appointment in March – so that process took like about 4 weeks and surgery date came like 2 weeks after that – so maybe April or May. We also talked more about the psychology part going through nutritional awareness and that it sounded like between that guy and the normal one I had seemed like a good candidate, but I needed more information about what to eat afterward.
It had come up Sr.’s disdain for Holly’s diet. Sr. talked about Holly parading around with food all the time and that it was mashed up and such and about the weight and such. I said that Holly had lost a lot of initial weight – it was my understanding that she’d lost like 120 pounds, but that she hadn’t lost a lot of weight since that time. I figured that she’d stabilized or has been on a plateau for a year or two. There’s another little oddity in that she’s carrying a lot of weight, maybe – just loose skin in her stomach and breast and they are drooping pretty bad with one looking about 2-3 inches longer than the other. I’m not sure if she wears bras either. Heaven knows I cheat often enough. I think I’m hiding it in my baggy clothing, but I can’t be sure. Ok, another topic.
Just Sister and I went over my foggy idea what I though. I told her a little of what I knew about eating protein foods, but just less of it. My idea at this point is that you are eating more normal at about 15 months out. I told Sr. that it was built into the surgery at least mine that you basically pick up an aversion to sweets, but you still ate food in the 4 food groups – just being concerned with protein first. I said that I thought what Holly was doing by eating food all day was abnormal. I think my liquid diet is more normal of eating breakfast, lunch and dinner – a dessert after dinner – sugarless fudgecycle, and two snacks of 6 oz V8’s. Seems healthy, but I said Holly has food out on her desk at all times processed packages of this or that. I have a package of sugarless life savers, but that’s a little different. Holly will tell anyone walking in how she manipulates the food servings, but that’s just bad psychology.
Sister said that she would do it, and I didn’t contest that because we’ve both laid down different cards already. Then she added you have courage … and I said I had a fear of dying if I don’t take care of my weight due to the co-morbidities. She asked me why I decided to go with my surgery instead of Holly’s because I had pointed out that they were different. I was mumbly at the time. I said something weakly that barely touched on a good response, and even now don’t recall it, but most importantly now I think just that from my understanding – that roux-en-y is more effective. It is the better tool. In the process I had told sister that the only thing that I had worried over was the risk of dying. I told her the surgeon had said that for the surgery Holly had the risk was 1 in 2000, and for the surgery I wanted the risk was 1 in 100. I knew sister heard that part. She had to hear that part. And, I know that part is going to worry her and I feel bad, but someone has to know this is pretty much serious stuff. I didn’t want a surgery just for the excuse I could back out of it at any time. I didn’t ever want to think about it again. I wanted it to be complete – I wanted my new life period.
It was an important question. I’ll probably think about it again. I told Sr. that Holly wasn’t doing enough with her weight now. That she was stuck and that she needed to exercise and control better what she was eating. I understand from Holly she is seeing someone concerning the weight in the form of a psychologist or a psychiatrist – probably the former. That’s good. I don’t think it’s going to be easy. I remember the Doctor’s reactions as this has worked its way through with Dr’s Cooper, Woollcott, and Marvin. Weight has been an issue for a long time. Even when we were thinner it was an issue to keep it there. I just remember the feeling of being more energetic … God how I want that back. I want my bounce. I’ve forgotten for a long while that I had a bounce like my granddaughter. Hehehe I think it’s just been mentioned. NO not on the furniture. Well, used to when no one was looking, but not recently!
Well, not after college maybe too much … I remember climbing and bouncing on furniture through sophomore year because of doing somersaults over those triple bunk beds. But, I’m pretty sure not much after that! Can’t do somersaults if your pregnant, right? They wouldn’t let us play football or anything. I remember sitting on the sidelines having energy, but left out and feeling neglected. They wouldn’t let me play softball at my wedding either. HMPF! OK, OK … so we were BOUNCY! I WANT BOUNCY BACK!!! EVEN IF ITS 50 YEAR OLD BOUNCY! I wanna run again if the arthritis can take it … I’ll ask the Doctor first thing in January. But, I won’t want to bounce then … Sports bra! Woo HOO!!
Ok, dear shhh … that point on concentration? HMM?
One of my favorite songs is on Christmas Canon being Played by T-SO Nice! Remember 342.
Ahh… We went to get the V8 … First time with the cup idea … that worked out very good. Good thinking. We got enough cups from Sr.’s kitchen to last the week. It allows us to drink it cold which thickens it a little and we get up, and we can sip it. Wooo HOOO!
Ok, so we’re sippin fast … IT’S GOOD!
Always loved V8, just never had an excuse to drink it! And, we’re at about 60% on the water. Pshwoo … we’re working on it. Hmm. Margarita’s out plowin out the snow with the electric thingy … it sure looks like fun, but we know she’s cold even though she’s bundled up because her face is all crumpled like an old man. She’s grumpy a lot … she used to be more fun. I think she’s still fun with the others *Sigh* Ok, let’s think happy thoughts. She’s going to like our gift, right!!
Ok, where are we with the scheme of whatever is the day. Are we finished with Sr. / Holly thoughts? Ahh Margarita waved at us and smiled … that’s about going to make our day!
Hmm, ok, we left our Holly thoughts when we started fantasizing about our bounce, but as to Holly … I think the picture or sense of hope is not there. I don’t think she’s seeing herself as skinny. I wonder if it will be different as I get closer to surgery, or when I’m gone due to it, or as I come back, or as I match her weight, or as I pass her … any of those major markers should be enough to nudge her along. She has to get past like me and Rich the discounting part where we are making excuses.
I think the most amazing part of this last week has been that I didn’t have any excuses … It’s just been me and the 8 or 9 things that we’ve put in front of us.
Literally, my body has been acting like a star in waiting. All the stuff I’ve been putting in it. When I stopped putting it in it … my weight started going down and it went down quickly. My body started shredding it like fine cheese. It’s very regular and steady. Beside a little light-headedness and confusion, which is like us anyway … we are doing fine and feeling like we love to be … Probably by the time we get back from the vacation … we might stop carrying the cane. We are close to that already. We don’t feel so awkward walking. Like we have to balance left to right like a penguin. Man … that’s a “heavy” weight lifted from us. I’m going to be about the most joyous heavy person you ever saw.
Hmm, wait there was a blip though yesterday … what was that. Yesterday an hour before Rich got home … there was a little problem when we shrunk into the darkness and then faded into a cold sleep. We will need to watch more closely for that kind of thing happening … I think we are going to need dealing with some bad stuff AS we are losing weight and we are going to have to continue losing weight through the ordeals. I think when sister talks about having courage and/or needing to have a psychologist or worrying over Holly, that is the part to be concerned with – how are we going to handle all the things we were trying to psychologically bury with the weight. Even the work that we’re trying to avoid right now … This avoidance is a sublimation of something I suppose. IF I could use that word lightly.
Hmm, Candice is back. I will know my music is disturbing her, when she drowns mine out. *sigh* I could go back hidden. It’s been a nice day back here alone. Hmm, Isn’t this what we’re talking about? Just I miss the music in my ear and Margarita is so loud. I know, but remember you just liked the sound a moment ago. I know, but she’s taking so long. Like I liked Candice’s clickity-clackity shoes for a liddle bit not a lodda bit.
Ok, ok shhh … Margarita is done now maybe. It’ looks very pretty out there and the red, white and blue flag is flying sharp and crisply in the late afternoon sun. It has a very nice perfectly trimmed evergreen tree accenting its background with a scattering of leafless trees bordering that. The evergreen holds a scattering of white snow and is halfway tucked behind the white brick building, Ok, ok … where are we going. Avoidance, you say??
I know, I know … this last shhh is on me – so everyone’s been shh’d. Hehehe
How do I want to end the Holly/Sr. part so we can move on? I’m sorry to see Sr. worrying so much. I don’t really get the impression she is thinking she is going to need worry about me, with the exception now of surviving the surgery … you can better believe that we’re going to be up walking … the surgeon will tell that part to Rich too. That will help the problem with the blood clots. She is going to take care of doing those tiny little stitches to make sure there is no leakage – so is the infection in there or at the outer points where the sores are healing. I think I’ve got an idea of how that is going to go from the hernia incision.
I don’t think the pain is going to be any worse than what we can handle, and the worse thing will be is that we might cry a couple times and upset Rich. We’ll try not and do that.
We were always able to go to the bathroom on our own. That was the most worrisome part. He will help with the food so that’s a big concern off our back. I remember the part of our tummy being circled with sores and our checking them out especially when sitting down in our washroom with nothing to do. That was about the best time to clean them too – right before, during or after the shower. I don’t remember having to wait too long before taking showers, might have to cover or dry a little differently. It will be ok. We’ll keep them away from infections. So, leakage, infections, blood clots, maybe we should look.
Ok, here we go …
Complications of Bariatric Surgery
Ok – I found a list … bleeding, anesthesia, medications, thrombosis (blood clots), separation of stitches or staples, infections, leaks, ulcers, heart problems, spleen injury, stenosis (narrowing of a passage, such as a valve).
Seems like a good part of this is things that can happen right away during the surgery and then right after the surgery, and then during the general recovery and then a nice portion after. Hmm, a few general questions come up then that we have to talk over with probably the Psychology Dr. on the surgical team. We need to know how long before we can stretch, shower, and exercise. We need to know about the breaking down and changes that we’ll need to go through with our medicines. We’ll need to know if there are any general rules with walking, or if its just the more the better. Is there any specific rules about cleaning wounds or infections? Are there warning signs that something is going wrong with our body? When do I know I have to contact anyone? Where do I find the specifics on healthy foods? I don’t know anything about the spleen our stenosis? What is going to happen to my sex life?
Ok, shhh… This is a good enough place to start. Maybe we can start some of these questions in the room if we found ourselves back there in a comfortable crowd, or if we wanted to look on the Internet again, or prepare something for the good doctor after we get back from Christmas break.
Ok, we’re making some kind of progress. Not sure what it all means … we really need to do something directly … we can’t do this and be a mental case. Sr. still believes in us. But, she’s given us a warning. I think – to get back – she was worried about Holly because Holly doesn’t seem to be handling things well. That doesn’t mean that she should have two nut-cases handling this situation badly. It’s good psychology for her to have me comparing myself to her, because she knows that will drive me buggy. She knows I have problems always considering myself better.
It’s been a problem ever since I started here. It’s one of my survival tools. It’s one of my mother’s tools. See her? Don’t act like that! It’s when a parent will drive you past a fall-down street drunk, slow down and say – don’t drink. Hmm, that seems like a good idea. Ok, I got it.
I told Sr. my understanding was that you are still eating from the four food groups. Hmm, we’ve gone here … Ok, ok … I’m feeling nervous this stuff keeps going around and around in my head like a ping-pong ball. What the hell am I going to do. I can’t stop writing. I just can’t. Ok, I WON’T I WON’T. I’m like at the point, they have to attack me with the butterfly net and drag me away with the what’s the white coat and they tie down your arms. I know you know … ok, getting off this point too. Seems like it’s not helping. But, for the record – I’m not eating! Music sounds spectacular – Well then again it’s Il Divo – White Christmas –
that’s hard to beat.
Ok, I think we pretty well mashed up Sr. and Holly conversation. I think it’s just Sr.’s way of saying I’m a little angry I have to worry so much and I kinda like my employees and I don’t want to worry about you and I’ve been thinking about it, and I can’t say this to you directly, but this worry’s me – and it’s going to take courage. I got that part too today. It’s the first time in a long time we had such a strong impactful conversation. I had shut the door going in. She mentioned courage about 3 times. I think I just kept skipping it. Until the part where we talked about maybe dying … I wasn’t sure after that what to talk about … I mean there it’s out on the table … that would be a problem. No, I don’t want the other surgery, and no at this time I can’t tell you why, because I am Ann so that means I’m too confused to tell you why – you know starvation diet and all. Damn think we mucked that up … brave exterior. Probably going to have to do parts of that conversation again. It’s just that we don’t have very many serious conversations with the boss. Just she started it … she came in challenging me on what we were doing. We’re back here having a little bit of a stress attack. I’m in the middle of it and I can’t think straight. Is that a problem???!
Damn. I hate disappointing Sr. Theresa. I heard the strain in her voice asking if I couldn’t come in and do the clients with her. I didn’t plan on that … Just top of the mine – there was a secondary part where I just didn’t want any part of being around. I don’t want anyone to know I’m having these serious life and death kind of problems with food. No, I just can’t have one. I don’t know how to eat anymore, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to figure it out before Friday … but, hey, I will see. I don’t know if I can do the meatballs anyway – but, Rich knows about it … so we’ll have that kind of support. But, they will need a long time to make and there will be that in the house and they will need like 6 hours to cook and they should be fridged over night and heated up … how am I going to do all that. Hmm, maybe I could cook them – fry them at home Thursday morning – bring them to work Thursday, put the sauce on them at 8 am and cook them in the crock pot until say 2 or 3, and then put them in the fridge over night, take them out – take out the fat, and then warm them up again about mmm maybe ask Maury … that be a good idea! Woo HOO … have to go to work though … that be the bad part. Only way to do it though.
HMPF! Well, We’ll see.
Be like no eating at all AND it mean going in with Sister. Maybe she could really use the company and would appreciate my help …. Go back to having brownie points AND get into the Christmas spirit – more like a leader than a giver-upper. I’m sure that would be Dr. Marvin’s better thoughts too. He’s going to be here this week, and then he’s going to be gone during the week we’re off. And then again the next week will be busy … Hmm, better call the doc once more hold on.
Hmm, we called the office, but they didn’t respond. We left a message. Then Rich called, and then we read up on the test preparation on the Internet.
Rich said that he was headed out. He was a good boy and stayed in all day, but he worked instead of stayed in bed. There was a good chance of that happening. That meant that his favorite blanket didn’t get washed. I was thinking of doing it as a surprise, but it’s in the trunk of his car – so that’s kind of silly. Beside he is the one picking up the quarters. I’m not sure if I could have done the stairs, but maybe he could have done the last load, but stoppppppp ok, enough. Sheesh. It’s been a long day with you out! You’re a bundle of nerves! Ok, well like you might as well hurt my feelings while your at it. Ok, no one wants to be crabby, I’ll back off … sorry for interrupting. Go ahead … sorry. It’s ok … I’ve been tense.
Anyway. Rich was going to stop at the bank, get his mail and maybe go to the library and get a new book, that sounded like a good idea. I think he had to go to the game at 5:30 pm. It sounded close. He said he’d have his soup for dinner when he came home. So, I’ll probably eat and then just watch him when he comes back. I think it works to save dessert for when he comes in so we can eat something with him. I think having him on the soupy rice is a good idea for his idea, but yesterday he went to a smorgasboard and gained like 4 pounds … he said clothes … and it was like no … we’ve got to stop trying to add excuses. He at out … I said did you have more than one helping … well yah, but no desserts … yah, but probably more meat, well yah but … no buts I’m done here. Man do we get crabby.
I think we have to be nicer with Rich and food, but I think we have developed a little bad temper with it. We seem less willing to put up with his indulgences. We should just turn our back, but we think he needs us, but just we do it so cranky like and he needs help not our disdain. Just that at this moment sometimes well food is a little gross to us. And there have been times when big tummies have looked more attractive. Now we’re going in for a heart test and starting to worry over if we have coronary artery disease. That’s what killed my grandmother Ludford. She was like either 63 or 67. It’s a good idea to have it checked out.
But, now I’m wishing Rich could be checked out inside and out. I’m so worried that he’s not going to be ok.
He’s 57 and at a better age to be having all these physical problems … he has a terrible, terrible doctor who refuses to do anything, but tell him to go on a diet.
Rich was about as heavy this morning as when he started … this is horrible progress. And, I know it is very discouraging for him. I’m terrible to with him.
I want him to lose weight, but I don’t want him on a liquid diet if he was interested and going to play ball games and fall out on the floor. I see what I think though are diabetic signs and he’s not doing anything and I get so gosh darn angry. I want to spit.
Ok, ok … slow down … Just listened to a really nice version of Angels we have heard on high – Josh Groben. Went to the washroom … filled our water. We’re ok with it … going for super gold. We’re at 83% shooting for 117% for the day. WooHOO! We’ll see.
Have this really silly image, but it is of ourselves flushing the sick parts of ourselves away. When we go to the bathroom, we are trying to walk down all the way to the end of the hall to the bathroom by Rosa’s office. Then we can fill up with water fountain water, use the bigger washroom, and this time it was all dark, so we went without cane to see how we could do. We were still wobbly and unsure coming back, but going there we were surer. I think if we can lose another 10-15 and then hold it … we’ll be able to walk steady again. I’d like to shoot for just under 300 –
ya know hold the 200’s again. I think our highest weight was one weighed in at the doctor’s office to be 337 … like I said our scale is light maybe 5 so our 316 now might be there 321 – our surgery weigh-in was 330, so we’ve officially lost only 9 pounds. We’ve got to lose safely at least 11 more pounds. We should have that be our goal this week, I think … let’s see that would put us at 305 per our scale. So … I guess we should be actually shooting for 300-305 and tops 298. That’s a great start … we can’t get crazy about this, right … we’ll really hurt sister with this kind of lack of concentration or obsession with weight loss. It’s hurting our own mind … we’re so tired of it … and we got a whole evening to go. A couple of hundred pounds of this??? Oh man oh man!
posted by Ann Marie @ 12/17/2007 05:21:00 PM
Comments: 2
