Ayn's Multiple World

Long Saturday - Cause we got Christmas to do!

Good morning. Just us. We’ve been up for about an hour. Mostly reading over yesterday’s blog. We looked down at the clock and thought oh Lordy already almost 7:30 am. The day’s slipping away! Lover bunny has only about a half an hour to sleep and then we are going to be waking him up. But, he will have only an hour and then he’ll have to be on his way. He has a game or two or so to be doing this morning. Last night he had two games – the first was a girls game, but the second turned into a guys high school game and I know those guys run him a little more ragged, and this game was in Chicago so that would have been pretty bad.

So in all … we made sure his bum and all were rubbed pretty good when he came home.

Well – I should say especially his legs and feet. I remember the old days and him thinking that he should have me rubbing his legs every night after a game and now his wish has almost come true. Some nights though he comes in too late for us and/or it’s on a weeknight … that’s no good. But, for the most part … we’re pretty trustworthy. Any excuse to be touching the goods is good enough for us!

We had a very good evening together most of it spent like that huggled-up in bed just lightly talking and catching up with the night. For our end of the conversation, we’d come back with some Christmas shopping excitement. Sr. had given us our checks and she’d also given us a Christmas gift – the same for all the staff – and she’d given us the $100 – God Bless and WOOHOOO!!!

Rich of course took charge. He reminded us that we needed to go to the bank with our check and we agreed. I had forgotten about the specialness of this special event upon us. It means CHRISTMAS IS HERE!!! He shook the present he’d gotten and decided that we’d all gotten mixed nuts … I thought wow! Good fortune food!! He said that he was giving his to his secretaries and while we were mulling over the sad fact that we weren’t going to collect both ours together, he broke the news that we’d both share mine. WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!!?? MINE??! HOLY COW!?

I don’t get but a couple of Christmas gifts and now I gotta share the nuts?

MANOMAN??????!

Well, you can tell right away, that we’re going to try shuffling him out the door before he be makin any more decisions! I’d already heard him on the boys … He told me to figure out the bank money as to spending on the boys – so I faithfully turned on my bank statements from the computer. Yep, yep … I see the money in there. So, I promptly tell him – yep, I think I can do it the money is there. I’m giving them each a $100. You KNOOOW I’ve been discussing this amongst ourselves for months.

It’s like making the big prison break! But, honey? He says … I think you better take another look. Maybe give it a couple of days. Our head sinks and we think … ok, there’s the sign we’ve just gone into subterfuge. Sort of like when a submarine goes deep.

Uh huh … he aint going to see my butt until long after Christmas. Yup, Yup… That’s enough of that mess!

I’ll not be scrooged at Christmas! Not when it comes to spending money on the people I love. I think it’s a concession not to spend money on him … we’re supposed to have agreed on not spending on one another, but I still gotta spend on a few people. Ok, so spending on 50 clients is a little much for me right now … spending on 10 staff is a little too much, but spending on 3 ½ sons, a daughter-in-law, and 2 grand children, PLUS one little boss, and a slim co-worker can’t be too much, hmmmmMMMMMMMMMMM??? That’s all I PROMMMMMMMMMISE!!!!!

Well, as you can imagine I went into a Christmas panic … he left … so we finished up work, then grabbed that sparkly new $100 and beat it to our one and only Christmas store for Sr. Theresa’s gift. We also figured that if there were any extra money’s left we could get Christmas cards for the boys and Lauren’s Christmas money. Of course, if you been reading over the years the place we like to go for Sister is Hallmarks. We only go there once a year and, we really have to scout around because it doesn’t always change around too much, but usually there is one item that will stand out. And, this year there was that one item we fell for hook line and sinker!

We were a little disappointed to start with because there aren’t a whole lot of aisles with the bigger items and we didn’t like what we were seeing and we were having trouble maneuvering the chair. We were really on the way out when we saw what we ended up purchasing. What it is was a couple of stuffed kitties that are both rolled up in a curled position, that are life size and come with a padded sleeping thing (and brush), but the cool thing about these kitties beside the fact they look so life like is that they’re tummies breathe up and down very life like and if you are close enough to them they purr. They are advertize as something close to the perfect pets. Oh man they are so cool. They are in a position of always being in that curled fetal position – not soft and fluffy, but that’s ok.

What came to mind as we were mulling over the decision is this year’s CARF survey where the surveyor was so adamant about getting some kind of pet program for our clients. Hehehe well, this isn’t like a REAL live pet’s program, but it’s LIKE a pet’s program – PERFECT Sr’s pets!

They don’t have to be litter cleaned, or fed, or trip up her alarms, or cause her problems, or nuthin! I’ve thought it through pretty carefully. I would like to put them by the front doors – be kinda cute by the front entry, but I think they could be too accessible to the clients in an unsupervised manner. We’re thinking more like by the fauna inside the entryway. Sister has some tall plants and we figure these could sleep underneath them. People would take a double-take when leaving or sitting down to wait at outside the secretaries office/Sr.’s office. That be kinda cute. They’d have to ask are they real and the first thing you always notice is that they are “breathing” it is very life-like … I’m a little worried about them catching drafts on the floor itself, but I’m not sure if Sr. has a small coffee-like table that would get them off the floor a bit. We’ll have to see. I think she is going to like this gift. It takes two double D batteries and is supposed to last for like 6 months, though we’ll have to see.

Last night we wanted to fool Rich a little and we did for a moment or two … about 15 minutes before he got home we got settled in our chair and we left one in his comfy bed under the tree and we put one on top our blanky over our chest … and we had the lights dimmed and we dozed in the chair until we heard the door open, and then when he came into the living room, we were like SHHH don’t wake them, and he was like wake who … and we pointed to the one under the tree and we were like please let us keep them and then we were like holding our breath while he explored them and he was going through his look, and double look and we were trying not to giggle – then we finally said, noooo they’re not real. And, he said, I didn’t think so … and we said yah right… hehehe Funny Rich.

We talked about getting them and that they were for Sr. Theresa, but then it was like the Scrooge Rich. He asked how much did they cost. Well we thought it was a deal because we’d spent under $100 and we knew well enough not to lie cuz that’s like the rules, so we told him only $35 each. And, he said, WHAT! That’s like TWO GAMES! And, we said HUH! It WAS OUR CHRISTMAS MONEY FROM SR. AND WE CAN GIVE IT BACK TO HER IF WE WANT! Then he kind of mumbled something under his breath and said something or another and it was like ok, round one over. Pshwoo. Christmas is going to be tough!

There was one other funny thing that happened. You might imagine bringing in two extra special kitties might be disturbing to someone else in the household. Let me tell you there was a lot of extra sniffing around last night. One of the things we did to make it more realistic for Rich is that we got out one of Missy and Chief’s baby dishes and we put water and a tiny bit of food in it, and we left it near the two kitties under the tree. Our two possessive kitties showed their dominance in three ways. The first thing they did was eat from the babies food dish, which we thought was funny because it made it look like to Rich that the kitties had eaten a nibble or two. The next thing was while we were waiting for Rich by holding one of the kitties; Missy decided she was going to sleep with the two of us so we actually made a homey trio. The funniest though was while the two babies were under the tree – Chief walked up to the one who had been on my chest and had my petting scents, picked up his little bed with his mouth and pulled the entire thing with kitty in it heads over tails so the baby was completely dumped over. Man-o-man after we checked ourselves due to the concern that the baby was ok, we had a pretty good chuckle over that. Thinking though … shoot … that’s a little aggressive? Just too funny.

Umm, Rich decided that we better put the kitties up for the night. We decided to agree with him 

Ok, back. It’s now 9:31 … Rich is gone by now … and everything is in order. We’ve got a fresh cup of coffee, another pot on the way, meds are taken, washroom is good and the blankey is over our lap with the warm slippers on our feet!

Good Girls.

Ok, what’s next.

We mentioned that … Sweeties gone, right? He called from wherever he is now to ask about his little pile of papers he carries with him. And, then he called back to say he found it on the seat next to him in his car. Ok, maybe he was rushing a little this morning. Hmm, anything extra last night? No, I don’t think so. We rubbed and rubbed his sore body. I was concerned because one of his ankles was swollen and he refused to put ice on it. When he got up to use the washroom, we’d at least convinced him to get his medicine so we were at least that happy … and we noticed he took his medicine on his own this morning so that part was good.

Pshwoo.

We talked about stuff, but can’t remember what now … oh, I do remember that he got his daughter’s shopping done with her … that was important. They are going to meet up tomorrow and go to his mother’s place for a Christmas-like treat. So that will be nice. I think today he has two games, and then maybe cards and then maybe he’ll see his son wrestle. His son really wants him there tonight and although Rich and us talked about going to the zoo to see the Christmas lights, I told him I didn’t want to come before his kids and that he should see Chris wrestle. Besides, we reminded him that Chris needs a little special loving care when the sister is in town, remember? Tomorrow I think he doesn’t have games, but he’s supposed to leave I think at noon, or be out there at noon, I’m not sure which. They want him to stay later for a town light’s celebration. I guess the town is so small it has only like 35 light posts … so everyone decorates and the volunteer fire department goes down the street and someone judges the light decorations. It’s a special event. So, they want to stay around for that. It sounded nice.

Hmm, It’s 10 am now … just been drifting … pretty much listening to Christmas music … we’ve found a space that’s music without words. We might switch back to something else though – ok, we’re trying a playlist that has got trans-Siberian Orchestra and Manheim Steamroller PLUS John Denver and other, but not all piano … I’m mean the above artists stand out, but a lot of orchestra’s can blend in about the same. Hmm, sounds like what I’ve been playing otherwise. Hehehe go figure. I think T-SO and MS are what’s hot on my mind this year next to the ever faithful Bing. *Sigh*
Hmm! We got on Baby Lotion!! We went and looked in the bathroom and sure enough there it was! We had gotten some I think because the doctor said we needed to soften our feet, and I think she musta said that before because we have two big bottles of the same stuff, but Rich said that he didn’t want to use it, because he thought his stuff was better. Well, I say if he wants to be doin the rubbin then we’ll use WHATEVER he wants to use … but, in the meantime, we should be makin use of this lotion! I don’t usually like stuff on my hands, but I have to admit they were feeling dry. I was just thinkin since we have two bottles it seems easy enough to figure we should have one here and one at work. And, then we can share the work bottle with Brandi, because she likes to share our stuff, and we like when she has little excuses as reasons to come visit. We be so sneaky! Sure makes my knuckles feel better!

Oh, we’re we thinkin something? I didn’t mean to interrupt … sorry. No, really go
ahead. My bad.

Hmm, we’re not getting past Sweetie much … I think we’ve got the mushies for him.

But, we’re going to have to move on this morning, k? I do think that he’s going to be home in between things. He said something about needing to empty the dishwasher AND take a shower AND he wants us to make up a grocery list AND he wants to do clothes yet this weekend. AND, we’re pretty sure he’ll want us to be doin that darn litter box. HMPF!

10:30 am now. BUT, he’s not here to be supervision. If we do anyone of those things, then he’s going to add something more to the list so it would seem important not to do anything. See I think that should be our position. Let’s not do anything K? And, then we’ll see how that turns up. Ok, now. This is only going to work, if we’re all in it together. Promise? NO ONE DOES ANY THING ON THE ABOVE LIST BEFORE HE COMES HOME!!! Ok, now … let’s move right along … always plenty to be writing on.

I think we better go back to the original Friday morning list to make sure we finished stuff on it. I don’t think there was anything going on in Group II special and we’d covered Group I. There was something going on at the staff training Thursday afternoon. We had set the session to be meeting with the staff about the pre-tests given for info on the state survey. As mentioned previously the regular 4 DSPs did fairly well scoring within 6 points of each other and in order were Cathy, Sue, Maria, and then Brandi. They will be coming in on the Third and Fourth Thursday of the month and then the new people who scored lower – Candice, Stephanie, and Theresa will be coming in on those days and also the second Thursday of the month. I would suppose that Margarita would be included with the old group, though she never seems to remember anything. She scores the lowest.

Anyway, this was the last 2nd Thursday that we were meeting and we were going over the tests. It was going pretty well, but punishing situations had come up due to a series of test questions and the incident involving a client and a parent that Sister had engaged came up within the discussion. It was going ok and people were listening and feeling it out etc, and Candice as one added her perspective, which would have been expected, but then she started going off with the group, and then several staff on her own on a over-righteous bend that Sister shouldn’t have employed the parent to engage and that police should have been called, and if she were in charge, etc, etc. I interrupted her discussion of it as a large group and then came back and realized she had continued it with a few of the individual DSPs.

So, I stopped everyone and addressed her out loud and very specifically. Basically, it was very short and to the point. Candice. I understand your point, and I agree with you I would not have chosen to involve a parent even if he was on the behavior committee, because I think that riled the client. I thought too the client was physically bullied by the parent, but this isn’t a perfect situation - if you had an opinion that contradicted your supervisor that you felt at that time, or you feel at this time that strongly affects your consciousness then you must talk to your supervisor and not your peers. This is not the proper place to vent your issues.

I think someone in the room, most likely again Stephanie said like ooooooh - as to challenge my authority. But, I looked at the faces of each and they were appropriately backed down. Basically, if anyone wants to challenge that call do it now right to my face, or it becomes to me a dead issue. If it’s talked about privately between, then that’s not my business – it’s just DSPs figuring it out between themselves. I was serious. It’s not the business of THIS venue. I won’t talk to Sr. about it, unless one of them goes first. And, then I will Sr. that Candice was trying to “overthrow” amongst the DSPs Sr.’s authority to make decisions long after the fact. After that we went back into things more softly – things got giggled over as professionally as possible and a point or two was made as to who are you going to call first in case of emergency, over that “timidating” almost 80 year old nun. She’s tough in all the right place, maybe not always directly on the point, but always in heart and spirit. I think they were surprised to hear as an ending to that story that sister had gone out to give that client an object that he had needed so much even to the exact color he preferred, not as a reward, but as a gift. Bravo Sister!

There is a point to be mentioned as to my own conscious that should be mentioned here in thought … basically, I told the group that I’m not struggling over my consciousness. The situation was a strong one. I don’t struggle with it in the fact that it was Sr.’s call. Sr. placed this parent in charge over the client, I thought the parent was rough with the client and the two - parent and client - challenged each other. Sister had tried 3-4 days trying on her own to correct the situation of trying to retrieve from the client a stolen object … the object wasn’t of great worth, but it was the point of him taking something that didn’t belong to him while out on an outing. But, the bottom line was that I wasn’t in the driver’s seat. I was in the passenger’s seat looking on. Sr. wasn’t in the driver’s seat … she’d given immediate authority over to the parent. Did she regret that call later? I did hear her ask that out loud in my presence so I know she questioned it, but like most things Sr. does … she most likely gives it up to God. And, I trust that. Afterward, it becomes a lesson. It does not become something to use as a weapon against the boss or the center.

In this respect – I don’t have a problem with my consciousness. It was not my call to make. I understand boundaries better though than Candice … this has to be a lesson to her. In an emergency situation St. Rose Center is organized to act as a team when responding to fires, bomb threats, tornadoes, etc, but in one-on-one behavioral flare-ups there is one person responsible until he touches off to the next person … sister touched off to the parent. All my frustration with Bob? It’s a touch off Sr. to him with those specific clients over certain aspects. It’s clearer to sr. than with me because I’m not being told by Sr., Bob, or the DSP what is happening. So, basically, I claim no responsibility for it even though I am the Q. If there are being no touch offs – those people like Bob touching the client is only touching off to Sue or Sr – then simply I’m not involved – so when Sue called to say then it must be a problem just between her and Bob – it has to make one wonder. I didn’t like that I was hung-up on before I could say, “Would you like me to look into it further?” I won’t go where I am not wanted or invited. Lordy … I’ve got enough other to do. I will most likely though be safe and ask Sr. on Monday. As a back-up though, we asked Candice on Monday, and she doesn’t seem to be having a problem with the client either.

Ok, so that said … I want to think a bit about the situation with Candice. I think she made up grounds this week, though I didn’t see that she did anything toward calling Mr. Porter. The only discussion toward that was that she thought out loud that she didn’t really need him involved. She obviously didn’t think through that he might already have a connection through Mrs. Cichon or Sr. Theresa that she couldn’t just automatically pitch, because it was too much bother for her to deal with. That’s going to fall on her head. I will have to try and remember to push that point. I do think that she was working hard on paperwork this week. She gave me a few things though I’m not really paying close attention to what yet. The one I remembered was on a client who was staffed about November 19th. With my recall I don’t remember how many she had between now and then or if there are any goals being written between now and then.

I think we might have to come out of our cloud at work if we are going to be able to do our job well … we’re going to need think through that better. Maybe by later today or tomorrow. Already it’s 11:30 am. Lot’s to go through today. She seemed ok with the bunch of rewrites we did on her annual I don’t think she got it all corrected though because I wasn’t given it for signatures. She has to give it to me for signatures because Sr. won’t sign it without my signatures. I was glad for her spirit. I thought there was work to do from a writer’s perspective. There is some work like that of a journal/blog like this where you write things once and that’s it, but she’s under the illusion that she can write things once, look over them once, and then that’s it … it’s done. But, she doesn’t write well enough for that.

I’m writing too many edits for that. But, maybe the edits I’m writing are things she just doesn’t know about yet? I’m not sure. Some of it can be just stylistically, but it seems that she understood what I was saying after she read what I wrote. I think we’re being fairly tough with her, but we’re trying to edit her only once with the stylistic stuff – but with the goals we’re being a little tougher … so far she’s been consistent in trying to do nothing the second round of not fixing her goals hehehe … gotta give her credit for not trying! Teasing. She keeps trying to avoid, putting numbers to the game. BUT, that is a very hard thing to learn. I’m afraid I’m going to go back in and find not only are the Qnotes not done, but neither are the goals. That’s why me being behind those 3 are so important. I have to be on the other side of this chore.

I’m just soo afraid she’s going to be gone and the work is going to be so unfathomably deep. YIPES!

I keep going back in my mind. I think Sister is saying step in and do something, but she said DEFINITELY step out after she was here like a month. She WASN’T well-trained although she wanted to say she was. Now it’s falling on all our ears.

She’s mucking up the paperwork, the groups, and the meetings – including the musical portion of the Spring Fling – plus, she’s annoying Sr. and costing her money to boot. Any problems here? Sr. is at her wits end with her. We’re like noooo, don’t fire her, but we need leverage. We don’t know where the hell she is or where our boundaries are with her. We need time to meet with her professionally and go over goals, but then Sr. says she’ll take it, and we can’t even get an annual schedule, and Sr. keeps doing these minor things and getting nowhere and in the process we are further and further behind.

I’m being of no help, even to myself. My desk keeps piling more and more and I’m not getting the deep work done. I just want Christmas break to be here where I can think and write freely. Everything is a bother other than that. I don’t mind writing about work, but I do mind when work takes so much precedence, there is no time to think it through in writing. I’ve got to get things on paper. Or, so be it on my screen and into the blog. I’m not sure why this burning desire. It feels critical. Let me think for a second while I’m here in present alive and well. Hmm, my Dr. Marvin mind would think that a clue. For this very moment in space I am alive and in the next bubble of thought, I consider that I will be gone. Sometimes I play in my mind that I will be gone and Rich, boys, and granddaughters, maybe others will read me, and at other times, I fear all these others will be gone and it will be me reading of them.

Maybe the chief characteristic is that sense of loneliness that I feel and that I’m hearing about now in the movie with Will Smith … Can’t remember the name … all others will know it … it’s where through some chemical imbalance, he’s left the last person on Earth. I think it might sink down to finding one’s sense of value or worth. Maybe we’ve talked about this before. It’s just without the writing … I am really no one. I am something sitting in a living room, not being a part of anyone or anything. My landlord doesn’t care about me until the rent is due then at that time I will mean something to him. After awhile, I will mean something to Rich – after his game is over and he comes home and opens the door. Then I will have meaning, but not while he’s officiating. I doubt the boys or my granddaughters think of me on a daily basis. I think they think mostly good things about me – maybe a few concerns when they do think of me. Probably with my daughter-in-law – she crinkles her brow because she has so little understanding of me. She just knows so little of me unless she starts to read me. We have no life, but a few minutes shared. That’s similar as to my granddaughters with the exception that being a grandmother to them is more an important position to them than being a mother-in-law is considered an important position to the daughter-in-law. I understand that – and am thankful for that little bit of life’s charity.

Ok, ok …. Shhh. Where are we going here. It’s noon now … we stopped because we were getting low on sugar … stopped to have lunch. We got another coffee an Slim-fast Optima and a jello. It feels like a lot right now and we’re just 2/3rd done with the Optima. Pshwoo. Realized too that our fingers are kinda cool even though our feet are in slippers and our lap and chest are covered in a nice fleece-lined blanket. Ok, washroom that will help, k?

Ok. Ok… Warming up our nose too! Nice … coffee cup helped! Ahh finished lunch.

Breathing regular? Hmm Lennon Singing Happy Xmas (War is over) Cool, Cool Just saw the other day a wall paint that said – if you want it … that struck a nice cord.

The guy was really pretty damn cool. He did his share.

Ok, getting back to the part on not being any one – I guess have to preface it to anyone else. If Rich, the boys, or my boss aren’t thinking of me – there is nothing left to sustain me. This apartment is holding us up in form, but there is nothing of me except for the ongoing effort to maintain my space in life, other than that of writing. I know it is a slim chance of survival, because basically even though we sent the passwords of this blog to Rich and the boys – anyone of them could throw it carelessly away or never get around to opening it and then there poof … we will be gone. It seems then that the only way we will maintain our life in any sense will be to write it out in a form that can be picked up by some literary field. See that’s what loneliness does to one’s mind … ever since being a child I’ve thought to myself … what happens to me when I die. I mean for the most part I can abide by the part that says my soul is going to return to heaven … and believe me I can look forward to that – mostly because I believe myself and the people already there will have been cleansed by God. So, no more abuse or memories of it.

But, as to my place on Earth – I don’t think I’ve achieved any great place in my children’s life that they are going to remember me. I mean they are over at their father’s all the time so they will remember watching the game, or being at the computer, or playing poker, or eating dinner, or whatever, but I’m not etched in their minds. I’m like a whispy spider web. Although it saddens me now … it about terrifies me as to a future. I think I don’t want to know much about my mother. As much of her as I can forget that’s what I want to do. A whole generation – I’m working on forgetting. When my Grandmother closed me down … I hurt. But, then I thought maybe she’s protecting memories that might open painful doors she couldn’t bear to remember at the age of 99. Somehow I could deal with that … I’m very hard on people I think. I want to know people inside and out – how they think and how they came about. It’s a terrible thing to have, but nothing about my mother, unless it was on the age before I came about.

Maybe the boys will be like that about me. Maybe they will be afraid to read me because they think I’ll have bad thoughts of them or toward them, but that will never be. They are my sons and they will remain perfect til the end. But, being as free as they are … doesn’t mean they will necessarily want to ever understand me. I didn’t bring them up to be readers. I never read to them, because they were so active. I think now if I could have would have sort of thoughts. The reading would have calmed them, but instead I gave them five minutes and they had that much time to wear off their extra energy before they had to lay down. I should have been in there with them those last moments of their day, but I didn’t know how important it was. Now I pay for my then tiredness. Ok, ok … we’re not going to beat ourselves up … what’s done is done. Just would of… shhhh

Ok, anyway. By this token … I’m being by the boys now. I don’t talk to them directly through the blog, because they don’t want us mentioning them and that’s fair, but then they have to get stuck hearing about all the other things that we think about. Sorry, but you asked for that part, hmm? Ok, getting back to the main part. If I weren’t writing … I know my body and mind would be here in the room holding my space, thing is most of the time we are just going to be alone … and I have to do something else worthwhile with our mind. So be it.

That’s not the point though. I don’t want to be here feeling sorry for myself, because I’m not. I feel very good about doing and being what I am right now as a writer. I ache for getting back to these moments with a cup of coffee and keyboard in front of me and just noting the letters falling in place on my screen. I don’t think any further ahead than the letters placed the second they fall white to black. Kind of scary isn’t it? But, this IS the part I want to share with others.

See even if you aren’t here with me in my exact time and space – I existed. I lived, and breathed and thought. Let me live somewhere and matter in your mind.

Put me to some purpose of thought. At least for a moment, a deed, or an effort?

Hmm? Be cool?

Ok, ok … I’ve been goofy before and will be goofy again … just the thought … I’m doing what I believe I was meant to do and I feel extremely lucky that even with Rich living here that I am given a life that allows me to do my calling. It still frustrates me that I’ve not found the medium to get out my expressions, nor do I know if they will get out safely to others, so that effort will not be given to vein. Perhaps it is a vanity to write so much on the self or to think self so uniquely. But, I don’t know anyone else so surely as myself, and self and other self. So, we continue. So be it in the land almighty. *Giggle*

Ahh. A reprieve of thought. Rich came home for a nice 15 minutes. It sped by very quickly. He called ahead so for a change, I made him lunch! WOOHOO!!

We made him a meat/lettuce sandwich with olive eyes and nose, plus we heated up some turkey soup and poured lemonade. The sad part was that he couldn’t eat all that … I guess he doesn’t eat much for lunch. We should have known all that, but we were so excited to “cook” for him we went overboard. Oh and we had put on the plate a banana so everything formed a smiley face  ya know olives? Toothpicks? Oh well.

Maybe ya hadda be here?

He rewrapped the sandwich and put it in the fridge for later maybe dinner or lunch tomorrow. Oh oh … no that’s right – mom’s tomorrow. He’ll figure it out because it’s a really good sandwich I’m sure … He couldn’t ditch a sandwich I finally made for him, or I might think I shouldn’t make another sandwich for him? Hmm? It’s 1:38 now and he’s not due home now until somewhere between 4 – 6 pm. And then he’s going out again at 6:30 pm – til about 8 pm. *Sigh* He said he won’t win me a kjillion bucks, but maybe a hundred AND he said that his Mom uninvited his brother because the brother said he’s going out visiting when Bud’s side of the family comes over.

Whoo! We’ll have to hang on and see how that one works out … I’ll let you know.

Tight situation. Obviously Mom thinks step-children are more closely-knit than step-children think – or, at least one. We’ll see. Maybe it’s a matter of like there is only one Mark, and maybe like five of them, plus their kids. Could be overwhelming, but I don’t have any of the facts. Best step back into oblivion. Wow it’s white out here!

Oh, that’s the snow storm. That’s the other part. He asked if I’d checked on going to the zoo, but we checked on the weather. Overnight there is suppose to be like 8-10 inches of snow. I can’t see me walking in that even with the sidewalks shoveled and if we were rolling ourselves our hands would get mucky. I don’t know … Ok, ok … just for the sake of argument … we called and found out that tomorrow that zoo will be open until 9 pm. Man-o-man… wait though … if they want Rich to stay to see the lights parade out at his mothers it will be too late to see the zoo the same night … let me check. AHA! December 26th – 31rst – maybe not on the 31rst, because that will probably be a very busy day, but we could ask?!, but maybe we could go sometime that week instead – early in case we want to go back. We don’t have to work that week – so that would be a good idea wouldn’t it? Then everyone would be happy!

Yup, yup .. I think that be the deal. We have to start planning if we are going to want to do anything special for Christmas week. Rich’s daughter came this Thursday or the one before? Shoot, I don’t remember … better leave that alone. I’m pretty sure she’s hear all next week. Today is the? Ok, 15th Next Saturday would be the 22nd? Sunday 23rd, Monday Christmas Eve, Tuesday, Christmas Day … so we just know we’ll work through the 21rst and the daughter will go back before the 25th, maybe by the 20th. Ok, like I won’t see the boys probably the rest of the year … let’s try not to think of that. I have to mail them their gifts. I should ask Maury for addresses of Thom and Joe, him to have one handy, and of Alex. I’ll tell him I want to send cards this year. And, that will be the truth. What he won’t know for sure, but may ask is that the cards will contain the money. Another means of doing it is to bring just one son the cards and ask him to be Santa Clause. I don’t know which of them it would be. Would anyone want to spend time with their mother?

Shoot, this part is making me feel like crying. Maury is the one that pretty much said his schedule is filled up. Maybe I could check out Joe or Thom’s schedule?

WOOHOO!! I did it! I called Joe. I’m not sure exactly how it’s going to go, but I told him what I was planning to do. I told him the hundred’s split and that Alex was in, but he had agreed to one of the days next weekend going out to an easy lunch before the cards/money was mentioned. Afterward, we mentioned that Maury had said he was going to be pretty busy with the upcoming events, and so that if he could talk to Thom that between the two whoever would like to come out next weekend on either day that we would like them to distribute cards/gifts to the others. We told him that we’d be giving the granddaughters change. We still have in mind filling up the container in coins like a treasure chest. The worst case scenario if it’s too small is we go to the drug store and find a bigger container. They always have cookies and such there in tin containers. It’s just Christmassy feeling. It’s probably the last year I’ll get by giving one gift for the two to split before Isa is aware she needs her own gift hehehe.

I also told Joe of getting Alex a $100 … I think I asked him to somehow be ok with that … I told him I don’t have enough to make it $200 all around, but I have enough for one more $100 and I would like to and then I said something mushy about Alex being part of the family – though I don’t recall the words. I will probably hear funny things from Maury, but Joe said – I’m sure Alex’is going to be surprised. I’m remembering now one of the funny conversations – that was pretty surreal in its time about the four boys at the table comparing out loud the virtues of thin versus thick versus expensive versus cheap toilet paper. God almighty they are paying they’re civilian dues. $100’s not much by today’s standards. I so wish there were more.

But, I’m going to do this no matter what … so that’s a done deal. Maury’s family get’s $300, where the other boys Alex, Thom and Joe get a total $300, so I don’t want him to get petty - I don’t think that’s what Maury is about … but it will be a close one. He’s the most likely to feel put out. He has to understand it doesn’t lessen the love. So, on a scoreboard … I probably should look at the bank. I’m going to take $600 out meaning … Ok, basically, that means after the check clears that there is $938 balance to pay December bills after the $600 … rent and car has already cleared and there is a possibility of getting $3-500 more in the account with one more deposit from Horshow, bank withdrawals, mother and grandmother presents. We can’t bank on the latter money, but $938 should get us mostly through. I don’t want to figure it right now, but it seems enough. Best to watch the posting dates and get the Christmas money out of there as soon as possible before we can’t spend it. Hmpf! No Scrooging at this house! AND, for the record – I LOVE SR’s GIFTS! – Cool – Cool that means about $820 out for Christmas and nothing out for Rich … hmm, this isn’t good that still needs evaluation. Like to talk it over with Sweetie.

Joe and us talked for a moment like Maury and us would talk about if Thom would accept a gift, none of us know … but, Joe said he’s down pretty low this year, so he might. Hehehe Joe said he would take the extra if Thom didn’t want it … we giggled … we said yes and most likely Maury would volunteer the same. I would rather Thom named a place for it to go if he didn’t accept it face forward. I know it’s nothing to what he needs. He was planning on asking his grandmother for a big number – borrowing at least. That would be cold cash. I think a gift from the heart would be harder. I’m not sure if he knew that the gift would just be given to Maury and Joe it would be any better. We’ll see. The thing is … I’ve thought of this as Thom’s $100 ever since it was a cent. Thing is I know Thom enough to know he might as well say fine – give it to them then … I need it to have more sticking power then that. I don’t know if it would look any different as a Jewel gift card … maybe that would be another option. Make into a lot of frozen pizzas?

Ok, that’s enough worry for now. At least, we’ve gotten the part done where we’ve thrown out the invite. We downplayed the restaurant enough so we think we might get both sons, but not sure. I don’t know if it was good to go through Joe or if we should have gone direct through Thom. I felt more sure of getting Joe, so I went with that … I hope Thom comes, but I trust Joe coming out for a meal. I don’t want to say especially for a gift, but he’s not worked that long not to appreciate a little bit. He’s one that could appreciate a little Christmas Spirit! Good Joe.

We found some nice cards too!

Oh dear I’m falling into a common mother-trap. I think we just want to please or be appreciated kinda by our kids. This is yours if I could give you the world – it would be yours! But, I’m not getting a credit card for you! Thanks for not asking!! I’m so thankful for our kids that way … they have never through childhood or adulthood ever asked us for anything … maybe for an extra ride or something at an amusement park, but nothing they didn’t deserve. I think they knew that we were going to get them something they wanted at birthdays or holidays, we’ve always liked gifting. We made celebrations of small things like finding a slurpee or McDonald’s. Hehehe that’s a parent’s magic key! If you want to stop?!!

Ok … now I truly know it is the holidays … Ok, now for the record … what are we going to do about Rich’s gift. He wouldn’t let us give him the gift that we inherited last night. The people at Hallmark we’re giving away something free for every order over $40. I thought that was a nice thing. So, since it was under $20 we thought we could give it to Rich. It really doesn’t seem fair that we give him something under $20 when we are giving away $820 elsewhere though, does it?

I know that he doesn’t want us to spend money. But, we know that he doesn’t get any gifts. We know that not spending money is like giving him a gift. But, we have already spent money, just not on him, so the question is have we already ruined the gift, or have we yet preserved it? Maybe we need to ask him that direct. I think we have to plan this carefully, and this might mean that he doesn’t get a surprise, but that we do something that gives him something of meaning sort of like we’ve done it with the boys. For example. The boys think that we give them the wrong gifts – mostly because they’re the boys and they figure they can always get themselves better gifts, but then Rich’s daughter and son both think they can choose better gifts, so they just take their father out shopping, so that’s a good deal. I can’t do the shopping trips, so forego the enjoyment of knowing what we got, but at least know we gave. Maybe we need to know that Rich got something special that he got to pick out for himself. And, maybe this has to be made clear BEFORE or ON CHRISTMAS MORNING!

Better before, so he doesn’t feel gypped. We better start planning it now. Hmm, and what about all those things we were going to get him? This was going to be our first Christmas! I sure do hope we’re getting him for Christmas morning. It was good timing for Chris – Rich’s son this year, he may have lost his father first thing in the morning, but he gained in his engagement. That will help him set new traditions. I think the one with the harder time will of course be Sharon. Losing a husband and son the same Christmas is a lot to be sorrowful over. While she’ll deny one and lord the other, both will hurt. Specially, since the other two kids won’t make up the difference. At least the girl won’t be here, not sure about the older son. We don’t know yet where he will be and we don’t know if the younger son we’ll stay with his mother or go to the girl’s maybe morning with mom and later with the girl? I don’t know. I think Mom went to the girls for Thanksgiving. So we’ll see.

It’s funny, I don’t have any input to any or all of that, but it all impacts where I am at right at this very moment. I need a feeling of things settling down so I find out where I am with Sweetie Pie. Nothing has been said yet of how we are spending our first holiday together. I think too something has to be clarified as to where we are with my eating. I think we came to a space in our mind that we’ll end the liquid diet and whichever point it is on next Friday. Maybe we will go out to dinner with Rich, but we’ll go somewhere that we can share, or we’ll order an appetizer. I would like to get into some kind of routine where we aren’t over doing it. If we can withhold now without big problems, why can’t we then? We just need to come up with some kind of plan. I want as a bottom line be able to eat something with Rich for Christmas … It wouldn’t be fair for him not to be able to cook.

I’m pretty sure that Chris and he will be at his Mom’s or they will go out on New Year’s day … so that might mean that he needs some time with Jon New Year’s Eve.

Chances are Jon will be out with friends though and I’ll get Rich – that will be wonderful! I hope so. I don’t know how Jon is going to get through Christmas … I might have to suggest to Rich that he spend time with Jon. But, I think that Rich will press Jon to be home with his mother for the day. I’m not sure if the mother is not already commited to an aunt or uncles place that’s a good possibility, which case Jon has a place to go already. I’m looking to see when my sweetie will be free. I guess the bottom line is that we’ve gotten to 10 days before Christmas and after a whole year I think we’re close enough to ask … what can I expect? Do I get anything?

Ok, now … now that the question is out on the table … we’re not going to cry.

There’s a fair chance that we’re going to get a load more than the other woman … just a matter of waiting for the right moment. And, she won’t have it so bad, because she has her beloved family and friends, and never loved him anyway … and I love the hell out of him – even if I might not get him for the day … Shoot be darn near impossible to think I wouldn’t get him for the morning of? Wouldn’t it? I mean this is his home … he wakes up here every morning, doesn’t he? And, we know that even when he didn’t live here, he’d make sure to do one big dinner with us … and we did just say we’re going to make sure we’re eating regular by then. And, he’s hinted that we’d be doing something special.

But … now let’s do some serious girl thinking here. Chances are that … although Rich is very good at doing lunch and dinners … what do we know of him planning Christmas mornings?? We told him he couldn’t go over $20 … we don’t trust that he’s done that, but we do know over the years that he’s never gotten more than about 4-5 gifts – hehehe calculating here umm I don’t think he’s a shopper person. But, then neither are we. Well, of course, unless you include over the internet.

Hmm … Ok, here is where we are at so far. Thanks to Family Dollar Virtual Store we’ve gotten to take a peak into a semi-dollar store to see what it looks like. Of course they show you the version without the 30,000 shoppers crowding the aisles, but we’re going to pretend we come at a good time. Hmm? The store looks small, but big in comparison to regular dollar stores. I think I could use my chair, but I can only hope that another could pass me. There are no on-line dollar stores – that was a far chance. I know more for the shipping than the product. At least this seems to be sorted in order and there seems to be a lot of stores “around.” The problem part that I hadn’t thought through was that I wouldn’t be able to maneuver a chair and a cart. This means if Rich were to see me through the idea … he would have to come with me. The only other alternative was that someone else come with me. I don’t have other friends here that know of Rich other than the boys, and I can promise you one thing … not one of my boys is going to be caught dead in a dollar store with me. See that’s the thing. I don’t think Rich is going to have the patience for it either.







WooHOOO That oughta take care of it! I HAVE TO EAT MY BIG FAT WORDS!!! MY BOYS DO SHOP AT THE DOLLAR STORES!!!

I called Maury first, and Maury said to ask Joe first, but if he couldn’t he would just that it was tougher for him with time and with the girls, so he would, but he would have to take them with … I was thinking Yeeks. A wheelchair, cart, two girls, skinny aisles AND crowded store? Man – that’s rough! I felt discouraged enough so I almost didn’t call Joe, but then I thought I might as well try, just so I’d know for sure. So, I did and I told Joe this would have nothing to do with the other deal, but that I promised Rich I wouldn’t spend more than $20 on him and I have trouble negotiating the wheel chair and the cart and could he would he ever think of going with his mother to a dollar store. He said that actually he had gone just today to get something for something at work. It was like YOU DID?!! And, then off the top of his head, he just started planning it! He said, tonight, tomorrow, or next weekend … we said, tonight is too fast, would you like tomorrow, or next weekend, and he said how bout next Saturday night and I said fine and he said about five and I said great and there we go it’s a whole full-bloomed plan! MANOMAN!!! I can’t believe it with my very own ears.

Joe understood the part of making the promise not to spend over $20 … I think he respected that part. He also could see the part of getting the $20 little gifts.

Maybe he remembered a little of that from his past. Or, perhaps Rich will have remembered me telling that story a little from my past. The very hardest, hardest part … will be me not telling him a secret. Even if he dragged it out of me with a white stallion chariot. Oh man!!! I can hardly wait until he see’s all the gifts underneath the tree. I hope we can get some big one’s so it fills up nicely. I know Joe. He’s going to hold me to exactly $20 now. Kid’s are like that. I’m so, so, so happy that we can arrange to have something under the tree. Now, we have to figure out how it’s all going to happen.

We’re going to meet somewhere about in-between Joe’s place and ours only 4 miles from his … so, chances are we’ll meet there. I’d like to do the shopping before dinner so we can make sure to get it done. It will be a good thing that we ended the liquid diet the day before. Hopefully, we’ll have a good weight to report. I think though that our best shopping would be around 5 pm or 6 pm when people are eating dinner and then we could eat dinner a little later. Maybe we could plan that each eat at home a late lunch or snack before we go out. WOW! This is like shopping with family … something that other people do, but I never did! I can’t believe this is happening!

Ok, got our shopping strategy. We walk in the store … go toward the left skip the ladies section hit the mens’ fade back, then over to the right and come forward toward the cashier’s sweeping everything in its path. GAMEPLAN ON! I think this is a GO! OK … Girls Calm down … gotta put this in perspective … this is only one store, one $20, we’re shopping with a safety, and we’re doing it from a wheel chair. Let’s say this is almost like shall we use the term disabled shopping?

Noooooooooooooooooo let’s not go there. Ok, let’s bypass any and all trouble that could come up with shopping and all that excitement and go on to the part where everything is paid for and safely into the back of the car and Joe and us are on our way each in separate directions.

Oh oh better make a side note there. Here we are in a store … with one of our favorite kids, and we haven’t mentioned we might want to get him a thing or two!

What shall our game plan be there? Well, we know that we’ll be planning for paying for dinner, he is now working, and most likely he won’t get us a x-mas gift. Hmm.

Rich will be boggled over this. BUT, he’s OUR kid – not his. Well, let’s say we’ll then give him a $5 bonus. We won’t shoot the works, but we’ll let him have some fun while he’s at it. Cool cool. Crisis averted! Something as a small token to say Thanks.

WooHOO! Maury just called back. We told him in person that Joe and I would be meeting up and that we’d give Joe his and the girls’ gifts. We figure Maury will run into Joe before he see’s us … Maury said, cool cool. Hehehe I think that’s a private family thing.

Ok, now Joe’s got a small bag with a few extra trinkets, he’s had a good dinner, and he’s holding about $600 in family loot – I’m with Rich’s stuff and the big Christmas trade-off has occurred and we’re both headed home. Man are we cooking today… Lot’s of planning been done. We’re still working on things though, because the actual day’s not been planned! Sheesh she’s being elusive!

Ok, stuff’s in the car and we’re headed home. Most likely we’ll pick up some cheap paper and tape – NOT part of the $20 at the dollar store. Somehow we’re going to need getting all that stuff upstairs. Joe’s going to have too much to handle, and has already indicated that he doesn’t want to drive, so we can’t ask him to come back here to bring it all upstairs. That means that either we bring it upstairs, or Rich does, or we ask a stranger to do who happens to be passing by. That alternative doesn’t seem likely. Ok, let’s see. If Rich does it he’ll know that we’re cooking up something. Can we do it? I think we’ve got time to our advantage, but not much. We don’t know where he is going to be Saturday night, Sunday, or Monday. We’re pretty sure he’ll be home Christmas which we’re thinking is Tuesday.

If we keep the bags in the car … we’re going to need something to cover it. Seems like we could bring down a blanket, though maybe a sheet would be lighter to transport. I hate the idea of leaving our surprises downstairs, but since this will be our suprises of the year better to do it right.

We’re going to want everything wrapped let’s say by when … Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? We could ask Rich this, but we’re thinking we should establish this ourselves. Definitely no opening of his presents until Christmas morning, but if he wants US to open early … that would be ok. We think Rich doesn’t usually get much presents like he doesn’t usually get much touch from his family. With the exception that his kids give him something … Like he’s said in the past that his son Chris is a hugger and will give him hugs for perfectly no good reason at all *giggle* Usually Rich at least gets some shirts for Christmas and I’ve heard of some good stuff like one year his son gave him the TIVO and another year I think he got a BBQ.

None of the gifts this year are going to be expensive, but it seems like even the not expensive gifts before came out of his wallet and none of that will happen this year. They will all be well thought out, and unbelievably so … they will have BOTH the imprints of my son and myself. I can’t believe Joe and me are going shopping for Rich. How extraordinary. Nope, nope, we definitely better not tell that to Rich before it happens. We’ll just tell him the part of Joe and us going out to eat and perhaps if there are so many as to keep things in the car, then we’ll tell him we went out shopping afterward. It’s so big a stretch that he’ll never guess Joe went with us, though he may be savvy enough to wonder how we did a cart. He hasn’t perceived that problem yet and it took us a while too.

Ok, so back to the main events. Sometimes he gives us our presents … modest presents! Like carrot cake!!!!! Damn betcha that’s not going to fly this year 

anyway in the past he’s had us open them one day at a time, because he’s usually not here and he wants his presence to stretch. We’re not sure what he’s thinking now, but we are thinking he usually has some secrets up his sleeves. I think he can maintain some secrets, but some parts we gotta plan together.

Hmm, I think we better plan some dinner, or our tummy is going to fall over. It’s now 5:12, so thinking Rich is stretching his time. Pshwoo. Thank goodness … cuz it’s taking alllll of us a longgggg time to plan CHRISTMAS!!!

WooHOOO! That was some break! Just as we sat down to start dinner a welcome stranger did appear at our door. He convinced us to step away from the computer for a bit and he talked to us while we ate. He stayed the hour and was then gone again. In the mean time he fixed a wall clock he’d brought home during the week, because he couldn’t get my beautiful wrought iron one to work, which was mentally irritating to me, but only mildly distracting, because I was attempting again the larger discussion of Christmas. Fortunately of that matter, I think he’d been gone for so long that he gave me the benefit of his own distracted doubt and entertained my wishes. We talked about the holiday, though he didn’t want to make anything out of it. Pretty much that meant he didn’t want to be tied down to anything and he wanted me verbally even to remain as open to his family plans as normal.

I was starting to panic and then he said the fateful words that the only real plans he had were for Christmas morning. Man … we couldn’t hold the tears back. Our little heart was thumping. It came out something blubberly-like “Not on Santa Clause coming time!” After everything got put back in place so that we could talk again in some partial form of adult it was discussed that the only real time we’d been planning was around Christmas morning when we liked to open packages. And, now just saying that we are again aware that even with the boys – the father took them for Christmas Eve and day, and we had them Christmas morning. It’s always been our favorite time and the hardest to spend alone. More than even the boys – although that’s so something something important … it’s the time that WE to ourselves open presents with or without anybody to open them with us. Even the years where we’d wake up to one present of a piece of carrot cake … it was our special time.

Oh man … even now for no good reason we’re having trouble holding back the tears and there is not reason for it. Just no good reason. Rich has come around and agreed that he wouldn’t leave until … hmm, I don’t remember – I think 12 I’m not sure, but one way or another, I remember thinking it would be enough time, because anyway we could wake him up at 6 am. I think in the planning that took place then in and around we gave up rights to most the other time. He said he had to work Christmas Eve and might stop off to have dinner with Jon and Chris Christmas Eve, but he wouldn’t be out real late, and then we could have him Christmas morning, and then he would be out in the afternoon so he would stop off at his mothers when his brother and nieces were in, and then we would get him back in the evening and maybe then have our Christmas dinner, but not way too much, because of our eating situation.

That’s if things worked out as they might. Anything could change at a dime according to his family needs. It’s always been that way. It always will be.

I just reread the last couple paragraphs and they made me cry all over again … I’m not so sure why we are being so emotional. I think maybe the years of being so lonely are too close at hand. I felt a little sorry for myself when Rich left out again tonight because it’s an awful long day, but on the other hand I feel grateful for the time to write and think. There’s so much that gets thought through so much more quickly though with people. With Rich I find it amazing how much I have to wait on to have him make decisions for him, but tonight we found him having made Christmas decisions without us that let us feeling down because our feelings weren’t considered. They were after we managed to get him to slow down and talk with us.

We didn’t mean to cry, I don’t mean to be doing it now again. Damn. I just want some feeling of togetherness that we’re just learning how to do here. I mean after just a few moments, I guess both of us realized how important it was to someone inside us because like the dam broke open … it’s just that the season is emotional for so many … I’ve been trying to take care all day … and Rich is trying to take care his own. But, I guess I’ve been feeling a little neglected, because it had seemed Rich was taking care of everyone beside us.

I guess this is some of the fresh territory that comes with being a brand new “family-type” unit. The gives and takes of everyone learning to be around each other. I don’t know much of what’s going on with his kids an wife. It seems like I’m not being included in any more, because I don’t know stuff … I must have blown something along the way. *Sigh* Maybe that is part of Rich having a private family life like most often he has always had. I come home from an outing with one of the boys and I just talk on and on. He comes home and he only says a few things from his kids. He says he just doesn’t have much to say. I guess that’s hard for me, because like with my writing – I see so many different things, at least it seems like it … I have to analyze and analyze … it’s what I do. I don’t think any of my kids need to be analyzed. It’s just my way of checking things to make sure they and everything else is ok. That I’m ok.

It’s just dawning on me now I think … and just the tip that we need to be seeing things differently. Maybe not in the way that Rich has in mind, but perhaps my own way of seeing things. Rich likes things how? I know he would like everyone to get a long, and he would like everyone to “help” the mother – his soon to be ex – maybe. I think he would like to feel less guilty. Today, he talked about feeling still accepted by his soon-to-be ex-in-laws. One of them had invited them to a holiday party. We both agreed that it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to go. I don’t think he needed me to help him with that decision, but it’s still hurting him none-the-less to let go of so much of his life all at once. This is his first time without family. Today, I asked him about giving up the tree decorating that was told of his wife and daughter accomplishing. He reiterated a point made the day he and us did our tree … he was the puteruperer, not the decoraterer. Old way … new way … things have to find A way.

Someone from the old family ran into him and he shrugged off their concern saying he’s gone a long time now without someone yelling at him. I remember feeling –thinking how profound that must be. But, there is so much more behind it. No, I’m not going to try covering it all today. My fingers are getting rather tired and so is my mind. We’ve gotten to the part that we got the presents to the car, we’ll bring them up and hide them under a sheet if necessary until we can get them all here. Now, I think we shall have them all wrapped by the time he gets home Christmas Eve from the boys … I want him to go to bed thinking there will be something to do the next morning. No cheating! Then the morning will snuggle him to pieces – most likely after we woke up and write a bit. Then there will be coffee and maybe some medicine and yogurt or such AND presents! Delivered to him one by one! Now there is one other thing.

We still had one more idea. And that was the part, where we give him some extra gifts chosen from the computer that are MORE espensive, but not purchased. That was a big deal that was covered when he came home today and we told him we wanted to talk about Christmas. He needed assurances that we didn’t spend money on line! We promised. But, It doesn’t mean we wouldn’t like to look around. It’s better to do it now when there’s some safety of not having a credit card. Who knows … maybe we can even find a boat. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to share some dreams with him? Maybe we could work on it tomorrow to give our fingers a break while there’s still time to print it out at work. We’ll see. I still like the idea of doing like 20-24 max – maybe 12 no more than a box of cards or a bushel of patience.

Those will be to open on Christmas morning too – and if he’s running late – maybe Christmas night, though a little Christmas playing around might not be a bad idea!

WooHOO!! I’m pretty sure someone’s going to want to be tucked in Christmas Eve and WON’T want to be messin the night before when all are to be tucked in tight.

ESPECIALLY, with Reindeer food under the tree.

The point being made or at least begun a few moment ago was my role as who? Who am I? Rich’s girlfriend and the Garvey’s Mom. That who I am? Let’s rather say that for the benefit of the doubt, I am that writer, Rich’s girlfriend AND the Garvey’s Mom. Hehhee the part about – she’s a multiple can be thrown in later as an afterthought. I guess in relation to Rich’s kids there really won’t be more of a relationship. I’m never going to get married to their father, so I will never become their step-mother. So for them, it’s best that they know me up-front AS their Dad’s girlfriend. It might be easier if I was their Dad’s friend. Seems less threatening. But were now back to mincing words. I could here us going from Live-in to slut in a matter of seconds, but I would hate to see Rich angry as all get-out. He’s never thought of me like that … nor certainly my kids … no reason to think his kids would be as insulting as my derogatory imagination, right? I’m being terrible. Long day? Must it be the holiday? Nice to have had a family, hmm?

No, not the boys, you know … the other one? Ok, let’s not go there.

Ok, by now the family point is pretty obscure. I think we’re trying to avoid that we might have some older person responsibility over “kids” in a “joint-type” family. The thought of any Brady-bunching is a little frightening. I’m pretty sure our boys would be game, but they’d let us know like Rich’s most likely that they would have their standards. We’ve worked on the situation of just straight and gay for quite a while. I think the one that’s broke the most ground was Joe and his friend James. Thank God for James! Need more openness in this world. I think we’ve discussed both Joe and Chris fighting so that was a good deed. Rich’s family is more educated in that his older two, but my youngest have been to school. I’ve heard a lot about Jon’s giftedness, but I don’t know the degree of difference between it and his father’s pride verses say giftedness and hard work of the other kids. I think there are some interesting correlations also in sports-mindedness.

Like I don’t think Jon is involved at all – Thom can play, but doesn’t watch, Joe doesn’t watch, but plays, Maury used to play a little, is playing more now, and watches, Chris watches, and plays, and Jill watches and plays. The boys are a little more preppy though I’m not sure about Jill, and I think Rich’s son’s are a little less formal. They all seem to spend enough time around the computer. And, they are all in the period where relationships are important so if they are not in one, they are wishing they were.

Ok, ok … so enough momophizing. It’s just with so many personalities it would be unusual not to be doing some comparisons! Don’t you think? With this little bit of Christmas coordinating I can feel some pressure … not as much around the kids, because so far Rich and us have bended and folded to meet their needs – well, ok, my kids don’t appear to have many needs for us, but none-the-less … Rich mentioned after his family split up going to like 5 different family parties. I think he’s feeling those kind of internal pressures. But, having those kind of events is good, right?

Ok, someones walked in? People … Rich good? Maybe we could get him to watch our movie? I planned something of my own at 8 … Ok, no pouting now. EVEN though it would be the most natural thing in the world. This is the person you’ve been wanting to see all day, remember???

posted by Ann Marie @ 12/16/2007 02:44:00 AM Comments: 0