Ok, no real headway here
Hi … this is me. It’s 11:45 am, so barely the morning. We’ve been fooling around with videos. First the ones that we found from the New York times, and then we found tons of them from the Daily show. Seems sometimes I don’t get enough of letting this kind of stuff absorb my brain. It’s like a candy addiction. I like it best when they involve things that are going on, but I’m afraid I see it as more a curiosity … like how are things out there in “Life Zoo.” Not very much an academic here … I don’t think I’m very smart, but I get what’s going around when its presented to me. I don’t think that is the subject I really want to talk about, just clearing my mind.We had problems on Thursday, because we got depressed and self-destructive, but then closed down because Rich came home. Yesterday, we didn’t call Sr. Theresa about not going to work. We stayed home and played on the computer for most of the day.
There wasn’t much writing. I think we talked to Dr. Marvin at 10 am, but we didn’t call him back, and we also didn’t go to the appointment for physical therapy. I think I’m done with all that now. Something happened there in the false atmosphere of watching tony leave. He was rewarded with some promotional stuff like a t-shirt. I don’t want a T-shirt. Never believed in advertising for others. The person as they are living rings a bell and everyone claps. But, it’s not really because people graduate, it’s because the money wears out. I talked to Tiffany while canceling the appointment on Wednesday. She said, “Oh, now you don’t like me anymore. Is that the way it is?” I laughed nervously. The subject was changed. I had told her I’d be in, but I couldn’t go. Couldn’t do anything.
I think this resembles our behavior a while back when we couldn’t shake ourselves from the sex videos. We haven’t gone there yet, but watching and watching stuff on video is the same. I guess that’s one of the things we can get obsessed with. We got obsessed with buying a screenwriters program with directions too, but we went instead to the bank account and paid the bills that we could. It covered insurance, the small school loan, electrical, cable, and cell phone. That’s about it. We’ve lost about $165 from spending over our limit. That’s the fees. We’ve got to save the money that’s in there now for the $375 of automatic payments for the medical stuff. But, there isn’t enough money in there to pay for the medicine that we’ve ordered … that’s going to be a couple hundred more. We’ll have to talk to Rich about it, but we don’t know his schedule.
Originally Rich was going to help me (get mad at me) this morning, but then he took a game for a good friend – Elroy. The game started at 10 am, so I figure about 2 hours plus another hour and a half driving back – plus he had to do something afterward … oh, I remember stop by and get something from a customer, plus drop off his shirts. So, I guess he’ll be back between 2 and 3. It’s now noon, so that gives me a couple hours scrapped together to get something down.
I’m going to post the last post just before this. We’re afraid to look at it because we had gotten in a desperate situation with the case cutter, but we gave it over to Rich. I think he put it back in the drawer. I don’t know how it is that we get that way. I think it happens fast. Just remember Dr. M. saying that if I had to call him or write on Friday, I could. I could write to him right now too, but we’re trying not to think overly about it. He said a couple times that he was confused. We talked about I was probably mad because since I canceled the appointment, and he turned away from us that other parts were mad because they didn’t get to talk to him. Other people put in the same circumstance wouldn’t go to the extreme of thinking that cutting would solve anything. I remember verbally working over with him, that if he called and I’d cut myself that he could have an ambulance pick me up and take me to the hospital. I suppose that is the kind of thinking people like me need to keep us in check.
It’s like how much do I feel like giving up. When you decide not to care if your alive or dead you lose all your rights and its like the game chutes and ladders that you got to start back at the start. All the relationships you’d built up get f*(&_+d up. Everyone thinks that it is something they done, but it is more like, no.
I’m just mad and I don’t know how to say it proper. I can go back to anger isn’t allowed to be expressed. At least growing up. And, of course with Sr. Theresa. So on those days we need to just let things settle down. We need to take some pressure off. We’re not sure where the anger came from all of a sudden though. I don’t remember why we didn’t go to work the first time. So, by the second time it was just that much more confused. And, we keep going back to the part … of we should have left message with Sr. Theresa. We couldn’t though, still can’t. But, along the way comes this running feeling that we don’t have much time left and we are going to have to be faced with work again.
I don’t think we were good with work this week. I don’t remember what happened, but we weren’t into it I think. The first three days Candice was gone and by then we were in some too relaxed places and or interested in something off-task, or interested more in avoiding or something like that or a combination. I don’t know … can’t think of all that. I remember the feeling of wanting to go home. We weren’t doing work and we wanted just to go home. When we got here, we didn’t want to leave. Still don’t. And, now without the money, we can’t even get the medicine.
We have 2-3 days left of the ones we have, we need stuff. Just have to wait on Rich. I think we need a total on what we owe him again. I keep thinking we are paying something by not getting money from him, but then again, we keep needing and it’s never enough. Not sure what to do with all that too, but in there there is part of us being angry, I bet. I just can’t comprehend working and working to not be able to make choices of what happens with the money.
Ok, ok shhhh … that’s enough of that for awhile. Nothing we can do. Or, expenses are pretty stuck and we’ve got no more coming in. I guess that’s why the screenplay stuff looked good this time and the other time during this last month or two when we’d looked at it before. We got a 15 day trial of it. It allows the formats to put together a story. They had a tape too of the basics in putting together your story in the right kind of format. I had felt I needed that too. But, the package costed a couple of hundred dollars. Didn’t have that and we snuck those bills out fast thinking we can’t afford to mess that up more than it already is. Maybe if the urge is still strong, we can ask Rich for it for our Christmas gift.
Ok, we admit we just stopped to play with it again. It’s pretty cool actually. I think I like it most because it gives me another way to think about things. It helps to frame in thoughts. I also like the concept of building up a story with some of the material that we’ve written … Especially, I like the thought of going back to the AOL Journal material and seeing how I could frame it in the different format so that it made some kind of production sense. I don’t know how I would do it, but that’s because I don’t see the rules in front of me. I only see that there are rules. I want to figure out how to be doing dialogue. I don’t type with it.
And, in some ways I’m sorry that I don’t have one of my clients ability to think.
She can replay back almost any situation she was in … she has very good recall to her life. It is slow in that she isn’t quick to coming to the conclusions, but it would be cool to be seeing situations you have lived a second time. Funny thing about that though is that even her thoughts transfixed the scenes so that she was coming out as heroine. I think that’s a pop psychology tenet that’s been played before. Something like in the format of Chicken soup stuff. *sigh*
Ok, we’re onto pretty irrelevant now. It doesn’t seem to make much sense, but maybe that is just our general demeaner now … nothing has to make sense, but we have to feel pressure soon about all the stuff that we’re supposed to be doing. Like someone is going to make us take a shower. They are going to want us to fold T-shirts, pick up after the cats – probably change the litter box, maybe wash some clothes. You know that kind of stuff. It’s kind of a curiosity of living with someone else in that he’s wanting me to keep up in time. I’m not very good at doing that. I just want to drift. Hey … I remember that now – that was something that we were doing yesterday. We were playing with something that Maury sent us … We could check that now. I have to go back … ok that’s what its called, “Facebook.”
posted by Ann Marie @ 10/21/2007 04:38:00 AM
Comments: 1
