We're having a Happy T-Day :)
I figure by now most of you are jostling around your kitchens with the football game in the background and you are with loved-ones chattering gleefully and empathizing loyally your joys and sorrows. I am having a quieter day and this year surprisingly, I am not bothered by this. Believe me we’ve had our years. Mostly, because I’ve spent time with the boys and my friends and I’m already eating T-Day leftovers. ‘Cept, someone took the darn pie! Shoot!
Just in case, I be considered un-thankingly without ceremony, I turned on the game. It is now just after twelve and I feel happy and mellow. Part of this is because I have had good morning conversations with our friend, V, and T! Woo HOOO!!! I don’t want to seem pretentious, but I added a few of “V’s” people to my active links. Maybe they can become “my” people too? It seems very refreshing to start the new journal with new loves of lives! That, and it seems to be just the thing to be one of “V’s Women!” *Giggle*
Hmm it’s a while later now … Past two. The game is still on, but it’s more a sound I crave of whistles, and crowds, and the announcers giving it their all. I have been reflective for most of the day, and I did something that seems I did a long time ago. I went out visiting journals. It felt real nice. I am taken by the amount of talent I have seen these past few hours. It is quite amazing like an artists’ garret. Everyone knows someone, and a friend to one, is a friend to all. I am not much of a joiner-person. But, others’ creativity and some freedom of my time have beckoned me to give it a try.
I wish I could say something prophetic, but I don’t think that is what I’m about. I am a distance yet from being able to ask life-consuming questions, though I admire those that do as no other. Mostly, I live a life hidden from view, quiet, and undisciplined. I am a monger of good feelings, and I ride these waves from one to another. Unquestionably, thinking that is not always positive creeps up on me. Though today, I read the most incredible thought over at Theresa’s. She said,
In love, nothing exists between heart and heart.
Speech is born out of longing,
True description from the real taste.
The one who tastes, knows;
the one who explains, lies.
Particularly, “The one who tastes knows; the one who explains, lies.” This explains the way I am feeling about my writing right now. Empty words, conveying the shallowness of me. Oftentimes, my presence waivers and I feel grieved. I don’t know who I am. This all comes from loss of student status, which could be resolved with taking up pen and paper again, to write as a student must … the paper. It is lately as if that bottom fell out like the bottom of a bird cage released.
No, I am not giving up, although I am closer to letting the cognitive course go. We’ll save that decision, however, until we are able to talk to someone at school and Dr. M. So, I will not further grumble and complain here. I am getting the bad feelings that come with not standing up to the plate. I fear the disappointment; I am causing my selves and maybe others. But, I don’t want to give the negative this much room to grow. I will assume the consequences and move on. Perhaps smarter in the choices I make.
After having taken five courses, I will have to reconsider if I can take two courses each time. So far, the only way I’ve found to do it, is to cheat work at work. I can’t go back along that path. I can criticize myself for not making better time of my days, however, I am seeing the strength of my needs to journal as well. As much as I want to consider myself the stronger better student, who might graduate in five, I have to think through another consequence of more time spent. Dr. M. on Monday morning. Am I giving in, or am I being more realistic? There is so much detail in each of the courses, I don’t want to miss, but I wanted to work through the necessity of changing my speed and focus. I don’t know … this isn’t what I want to think of for the time being.
Let me see, can I think of something else for a while? Will it be ok? I know, I know, disappointment. But, we’ve lived with worse! I repeat no decisions have to be made today! Especially, today on a holiday! Let’s be on vacation for just this day, ok? I want life to be reasonable. Maybe, could we please move on? It’s that nagging toothache thing … cognitive dissonance. It’s sort of like the bad feeling that comes with not upholding your values. Shoot, I sure do love psychology. But, given the choice, I admit if the government would still fund me, I’d much rather take the cognitive course again next semester without the second course. I can only now remember vaguely the incredible feeling I was getting while working at understanding it. It felt like there was nothing my brain could not accomplish.
I want that feeling again, with a little less stress. I’m still harboring a lot of fear in that, even if I were caught up in both courses, In two weeks I have 60 pages worth of paper to be working on. I’ve also been told that 70% of the students only take one course at a time. I know rationalizing, aren’t I? Again, Theresa’s sentiment taken out of context, were only talking about living, where for the most part we still avoid. To not avoid would mean listening to V’s “Just do it!” There is another thought toward Christina’s writing that meant something powerful to me. She talked somewhat of being most alive or real when writing. I believe this is true for my self as well. But, to do school meant going weeks and weeks without journal writing. I don’t need to please a crowd, but I do need times like this to just think and write. What kind of lifestyle is most important? To be the ever busy student; or the one more relaxed. I kinda liked the thought that I could do the first. But, maybe the clothes didn’t fit …
Ok, step over a sec … New football game on CBS, then maybe try out “Cold Case” at six for an hour, then we can either continue that show, or switchover to “Snoopy” and “Finding Nemo.” Yah, yah … we know how that’s going to go!
Hmm, where were we?
Ok. Moving on. Maybe, I could look at the Multi-cultural course again to see what is due. Ok, three chapters … one on Hispanic culture, one on elderly culture, and one on disabled culture. I should do four papers by Saturday. Can I do this and still save Sunday for either Week 9, or toward the final? This would be good thinking. Ok, this feels right. It seems at this point looking at only 2 more weeks of school, and one more to get all in that I even consider the other course. Perhaps here I am just dreaming to think the cognitive able to be also done. I need to get my studenting feet under me. Still that nagging feeling of ten years in school … I would be by then 56 and near retirement. It will be like learning as a hobby, rather than career. Or, maybe I could learn to be a stronger disciplined student? Shoot, this is hard stuff. Ok, no big decision-making today.
Ahh touchdown Denver!
Umm, just took another medicine for anxiety. Need to calm down here. Feel a little jittery. Ok, ok … not going there … no negative today!
Whimper… Shhhh…
Wouldn’t V be surprised if he came back from dinner and found we had actually done something? We’re moving?
Hmm, just received this in a newsletter …
“Giving thanks for our life -- just as it is in this moment -- is the key to enjoying each moment of life. Pleasure and pain are both part of life. Good fortune and misfortune come to all of us. When we can welcome and learn from all our experiences we become richer with each passing year.
We can pay more attention to the good things we take for granted in our life. We can also be grateful for the frustration, disappointment and discontent we may experience regarding some aspects of our life. Awareness of those feelings can lead to a deeper acceptance of life-as-lived and to productive action and positive changes.”
Serendipity?
I know … how about we read a chapter, then we can watch “Finding Nemo” AND color! Woo-hooo! Thadda-way girls! We can do this, right?
posted by Ann Marie @ 11/24/2005 04:15:00 PM
Comments: 4
