Processing, Just Processing
Good morning. It’s me again. I’m waking up today at 1 am. Still pretty early. I am going to try not opening the balcony door for the kitties this morning to see if the cold had something to do with us needing to crawl back under the covers. Hmm Sr. y Sra. Gato de gatito think we should include breakfast this early morning. Why don’t we do that right away. AHA! Done!
Hmm, what’s next … and no, not school quite yet. Just waking up! It’s a bit discouraging in that I forgot to call the professor yesterday and he did not respond again to my weekend post. Last night, we talked to Dr. M. about feeling invisible. This has been a long standing issue with us. Basically, going back in time after we fell out of favor with our Grandfather, we lost our bearings for the greater part of our childhood. We thought of ourselves as invisible. Unless there was a task to do, we weren’t talked to. We could be up watching television or eating, but there was not much direct communication between ourselves and family members. I can hear things like, “Move!” Or, “Set the table!” But, there wasn’t conversation like “How did you do today?” Or, “Did you have a good night’s sleep?”
I know this is going to sound silly to some. We’re back to surface complaints that this happened 35-40 years ago. I am going to try not defending this frame of mind, except to say that when I go to my psychiatrist office, these are the kind of thoughts that come up. We have found in the past that we carry the past with us, and while this happens to regular people, being a multiple is more challenging in that we carry the different aged parts that had originally dealt with the difficulties, so when triggered we need to work through the issue again, except bring it forward to now in the present, where we can change those behaviors and mind sets. It is a process.
Maybe an easy comparison is the thoughts of holidays. Most people have celebrated holidays from the beginning of time and there are certain expectations. If Aunt Mary didn’t bake her famous brownies, or if Mother didn’t hang the Christmas stockings beside the tree, or if you didn’t get a chance to watch football after the dinner, then things might seem out of place. The body and mind responds to the patterns we have grown up with. When young people marry, they bring the traditions forward repeating that which they have always known to be the holidays. If somewhere along the line Aunt Mary dies, often we find ourselves thinking during each holiday season of Aunt Mary and how delicious those brownies were. It is a part of who you have become. Of course, we are not in love with the brownies as much as Aunt Mary, but the holiday triggers your memories and responses. You miss her and become perhaps a little sad, or even depressed depending on the different variables.
I don’t think it happens that all people get depressed, for some the triggering of Aunt Mary thoughts, leads us to feel warm and welcomed, because it is now us who are providing brownies to the family, and perhaps you think of how proud Aunt Mary would be that you were carrying on her tradition. But, the point is … those people and situations that affect us most are life long.
In the case of abuse, where people were not so pleasantly remembered, we still can be triggered to bringing those thoughts forward. Maybe last year it didn’t happen the same way, but this year something new has been added to the mix, and because you haven’t worked out those thoughts or sense of grief that space in time get brought forward insistent that it be handled. Sometimes there are a multitude of problems suggesting that it isn’t just a linear problem. For example, in this situation with school, we are not only dealing with what is difficult, but in not being given better support under time of stress, or like I’ve been saying treated as if we were invisible. When these senses are triggered, we get bogged down emotionally, until we are able to reprocess things differently. We have to become aware of the underlying problems, and then how we are responding to the situation ineffectively.
It isn’t the same as saying, well I’m behind, and I just need to catch up. At least, what we’ve found is that the feelings of despair or loneliness that are attached to these triggers become overwhelming in the present. Until they are processed in some form, we can work through the issues, except this time differently because we have someone to go through things with us like Dr. M, or through this medium of journaling. It doesn’t work that you figure out all the problems and then they just go disappear. After going through 20 years of abuse with little support, then stepping into a marriage that was also abuse and unsupportive, though to a lesser degree, and now in the present … we are still dealing with everything we had known during the first 30 years as affecting who we are. I didn’t suddenly become someone else just because we gained a therapist. It is not simply like buying a new car, erases a history of bad driving. The problems are ingrained into us, so that it seems like the problems are more us, then anything else.
I don’t know perhaps I’m babbling now. I have been feeling misunderstood. And, although the papers are important, I am more important than my papers or even my aspirations. This doesn’t mean I want to stop being a student, or one day graduating. It just means that it takes me a little longer to process the particular stresses I am under while going through school. The thing I worry about most is if it doesn’t work out for me to complete this course this semester, how will my financial aid be affected? I have to make it to the best of my ability, to work through as much as I can now, and if I can be financially supported still, I would take the course again, though I would take it on its own without the second course the next time. I figure that even if I find that I am no longer enrolled in the course, that it is to my advantage to work through as many assignments as is possible. Because each assignment completed assists me in being the better student.
In looking at the positive. Dr. M. was very sure of himself when he pointed out to me yesterday that I had progressed in that before I had not been able to complete any assignments, and over the weekend I had at processed one and started the next. That is progress. He gave me an opportunity to process feelings I have of myself failing an important goal that I had set, though he made it clear that just because I have trouble with one course, it doesn’t mean I have to stop being a student. Somehow, he made it ok to be me and be me where I am at, and that helped. No one has given up; just we’re more appreciative of what is before us. We know something now, we didn’t know before. I am smart enough to do this; however, my psychological issues have to be considered too. Everything is going to work at its own pace.
I’m still afraid that if I miss a mark, I am going to lose some of my extra support that has been so important to me. I will be thought of as not trying hard enough, or making excuses, or of not being serious. I don’t and won’t know how much of that is true, but I know I don’t want to get stuck pushing that ball up hill. I guess at this point, I am processing it more like the diet. While there are some days new marks are hit, there are other days, where we’re just maintaining, or even lost ground. It doesn’t mean I have to give up. I just have to make adjustments. A call to the counselor might give me a better sense to understand if I will be given this extra leeway. I will also have to make a call to the financial aid office. In the meantime, I have five days ahead of me to make up for lost ground. Again, even if I am not going to be allowed to get credit for this course, I am going to progress through it as far as I can go. Make it a period of studying without the direct pressure.
I was also thinking that something different has happened to me this semester that was different from the first two. I took on more an appreciation where we were at with work goals. Where before I missed many days of work to get things in on time, and I was putting in work time working on school, this semester I didn’t do that. It didn’t help in getting the school work done, but I was able to step past a problem that hadn’t been good or honest for my career. I am back to working at work on legitimate problems, where before I was avoiding them to do the other. I have to believe this is a good thing. I still have to do with my avoidant behavior. It is however, much easier to see the patterns of how dissociation works. I’m not saying that I should use my dissociative identity disorder as an excuse; I just can’t pretend it isn’t there, because it certainly is not convenient. Yeeks, three negatives in one sentence. That might be a new record for me.
I don’t know if through this dialogue I’ve released some pressure, or added other pressures in accepting the completion of this course isn’t life threatening. I know that 1997-1999 when completing my BA degree, I had started off having been hospitalized, and went back to the hospital three times including once for shock therapy during the two year process. Point is … I still graduated by the grace of God. I am no where near that point now, and I will do everything within my power not to go that direction. Part of that is feeling stronger and more confident with me, and a good part is having positive supporters. It is one thing to go through my doubts; it is another thing having to take on others doubts. One set of problems is enough. I hope this doesn’t mean that all support will be withdrawn … all or nothing thinking. Certainly, it helps to be encouraged by people who know how to advance in education or goals in general. I will always try to listen and adapt. But, if something isn’t working, I don’t want to shame or guilt myself into going forward. This has to be a positive situation. I need to get past the emotional parts to where I’m feeling absorbed in the work again. That is like one of the greatest feelings, and I miss it terribly.
So, given all that, it is about 2:30 in the morning, and I’m going to “go for it” again. Progress not perfection.
posted by Ann Marie @ 11/22/2005 02:28:00 AM
Comments: 4
