Ayn's Multiple World

Stolen time - an Ethical day?

Good morning. This is me. We're again having trouble starting ... I don't know much of when we aren't having trouble. I guess we just have to keep struggling until we can cure ourselves of ourselves. We stayed too long at Facebook. Kind of making up excuses to be there past the normal morning check-in. Sometimes I feel bad about being me because we have so many productivity issues. But, then I think ... you gotta be nice.

Last night we were at Rich's Mom's and that seemed to be a good thing. She was supposed to have had surgery for cataracts, but she had heart irregularities so they stopped the process. There's always a little shock process people go through with all that so we asked to go with Rich knowing we'd be better at talking to her about it than Rich and Bud. We were right, but I was proud of Rich for letting me talk in a woman to woman way with her that means more details then "man-talk." She needed to talk about it. It was something that had been scary - first for the surgery, and then knowing into your late 70's that you could have heart problems. I think she'll be OK, but I don't know if she's going to choose to go back to the surgery. That should be some more conversations. I don't know which way it will go in the end, but I know it to be a process.

I think Rich and us had an interesting talk on the way home ... at least we were conscious of younger parts being out. I don't know what we were talking about, but have an image of Rich chuckling. I guess with whomever he was OK, so that's good enough for us. It still always leaves that lingering question of how things happen in our head.

Tonight is a Dr. M. night. Maybe we'll be able to talk to him about it. It sure be nice to unwind some at his office. I'm not sure what's on the agenda for the parts though. Maybe I could think through it a second here.

Ok, going down my regular thought processes. Anything happen lately with Rich? Hmm? Ok, we went to his mother's we know that. He's been complaining about body aches. His schedule is too busy to get to the gym, though I think earlier in the week when he was willing it was us that held the team up because we were doing sewing stuff. He had kind of a funny day in the car on the way there. He seemed in an off-mood. We slowly asked him a series of questions such as ... you seem a little depressed. Was it me? Was it work? Is it because you are worried about your Mom? Did you lose at poker? You know general stuff. Sometimes when he gets like this he reminds me that men have cycles too and he thought he was at the bottom of his cycle.

Later at his Mom's he started to relax a bit, so we're thinking that had more to do with things than not. He naturally would be worried over her. We reminded him before we got there not to get in an argument with her, but within about 3 seconds of entering the house they were yelling at each other. We growled at him ... DEAR you weren't going to do this, remember?

We had gotten Chinese while still in Brookfield and it was an hour drive. Rich's point was that the food was still hot and didn't need microwaving and his Mom's point was that it had cooled and DID need microwaving ... I don't think this kind of thing HAS to be a problem, but it's like the two of them are waitin for something to argue over. I had reminded him that they both were dominating and wanted to be right and they both like to be the center of attention.

I scolded him and said we'd talked about this ... you weren't going to argue, remember? He seemed to pull back and the mother was grateful that calmer waters lay ahead. I think it is her that does the heaviest arguing, but they seem to stoke each other - as does Bud her husband and Mark Rich's brother. Pshwoo ... sure is a lot of anxiety for nothing. The mother doesn't HAVE to be right, nor does it really matter if she's wrong, but every time she exaggerates or something they all feel a need to pull her in instead of allowing her to have the thoughts that come naturally to her. I think for at least Rich he thinks intrinsically if he can keep her from "slipping" or "sliding" that he will keep her around longer. Plus, I think in general the family must have argued a lot growing up - though I understand that Rich is supposed to be the calmest in the family. *Sigh*

I think Rich and us can argue, but most of the time I will just make up my mind ... he'll get frustrated, and then he's over it, and we both move on. Sometimes he says stuff and we just follow along and then we have other parts that will argue back with him just to argue. This is the case of poor Casey and Rich at the end of the night when he tells her it is time to take her medicine or it is bedtime. If we were more able all the time I think he might be able to step back a bit. So, I guess we have to put up with the parts we don't like until we are in more control of parts or they are in more control. It's all time, patience and communication.

So that's Rich. With Maury ... we had a small discussion the other day. I am thinking that he's drinking too much ... he's arguing the point that it's tempered. I say that alcoholism runs in the family, he says he's got it under control. I say that you are going out almost every night, he says he has to be around people. *sigh*

I know that he's going through what will most likely be one of the hardest things in his life. Yesterday the house got put on the market and the divorce is final, but they still have to be working through things with each other. Maury is probably missing his girls and his "home-life." Where you come home and everything is yours and familiar. This last weekend they had a garage sale. I don't know how well all that went, but I know he's in the process of letting go. I think he'd prefer to just jump into his new life, but it doesn't work that smooth. Poor kids.

We still haven't seen the girls for a while. That is on our list of things to do, but it's a struggle to get scheduled in on the kids' calenders. We talked to Joe and Cari last week and we have a tentative date for Saturday dinner. Rich is supposed to b there too. We're looking forward to that, but know it will come with some problems. Joe is still working on building his own identity as an individual and as a couple. I think many things outside of that are troubling to him. He's thinking is pretty sharp - I mean that with clarity and in handling other peoples' imperfections. Love the pieces out of the kid and know better enough to know that Joe's defining himself and has a strong personality ... So we have to hang tough and just listen to where he's at. I think he still likes to be impressionable in a good way. I know he's going to ask me about the weight though and I'm not really up to handling that pressure. Joe just has an expectation that we are going to deal better.

We are still learning to have conversation with the foursome. I like Cari so that's half the battle. I don't know what she thinks of our multiplicity, but she seems more comfortable with herself and less intimidated by us than some of the others and that helps a lot. We can get into comfortable conversations where we separate a bit from the guys. I think she's real bright and exuberant. I like that she and Joe are really trying to work on resolving themselves to a good relationship. I don't know if one has to give or take more than the other. I think that Joe is the stricter of the two and follows a concrete path and Cari is more flexible - not so black and white as Joe. One way or another ... Joe sightings are not often so we'll try to make the best of it. I'm looking forward to having a good time. We will have to cut down some of the missing him time after. I know before the meetings with him its going to come up after we need to separate again.

Thom stopped on FB the other day just long enough to put a couple of pictures online. One was the splashing water that happens after a boat has gone through it. It doesn't show any details of the boat etc., but it seems to have been a good size from the turning of the water. I thought ok, Thom doesn't say anything, but we know he's on water. That's news. :) This is what happens when you get a secret spy in the family. I know that Thom is in intelligence and can't give much information, but sometimes you yearn for the smallest things. One of his pictures seemed to be a small on-base restaurant and the third picture ... well we couldn't figure out what it was. We'll have to be patient. Thom's been in Okinawa for 3-4 weeks. I think he'll try to communicate a little more when he gets back to his regular base in Iwakuni. Let's hope!

Ok, that's the boys. Next is probably my sister. Two visits ago we'd had a real rough time because of the excess sexuality on her part, but this time Rich wasn't there, so she was calmer and not as needy. I'm sure we had problems this time too, but for the most part things were good. We both paid more attention to the sewing tasks. The first part was that we were taking the three designs for the wall quits for the office here and we were calculating pieces needed for each. The instructions usually say stuff like dark red - 2 yards or light green fat quarter. This gives the seamstress good discretion about what kind of material she is going to use. Between us we were combining all the dark reds and light greens etc from each of the three parts so that we could share fabric between them so that they are coordinated.

It was an interesting process. I didn't know how CS does this kind of thing and I didn't think she was aware of the kind of order we would need. So I set it up that we both have copies of the same thing. We said you do it your way and I'll do it mine, and then we'll meet somewhere in the middle. Pshwoo ... that seemed to be a good idea. I think we kept tabs on each other because we were sitting next to each other. She decided to use paper and pencil and we used the OneNote program on the computer. After a while, I remember looking down and seeing how much trouble she was having at putting things together and she'd made a lot of corrections by the looks of all the erasers. We were at a point where we'd listed in order the three sets of material patterns - so we had three lists and each of them started with grays, and then reds, and then browns, etc.

I couldn't combine the quantities, where she found that kind of stuff relatively easy ... so I would say something like ok, we got 1 1/2 yards of this blue #1 and the next pattern is 1 fat quarter and the last is a fat eighth. So what is that all together? How much do we need? It was a pretty good system. I guess she'd never seen anything like how my minds were organizing, because after we'd gone to the store to get the material, she said that she'd shown the lady at the counter who owned the quilt shop and she said she hadn't seen anything like that either. It really wasn't complex. I think that was the beauty of it ... we kept things simple. I am still confused with why other people don't look at it more simply ... maybe some do, but I guess we just keep adapting to what we and others can and cannot do.

There was no problems in this section at all ... CS did abandon her method and I was grateful for her doing that. I have low tolerance for things that aren't done in order. We did some work with her in agreeing to a time. We had both gotten up about 5:30, but I stayed up and she went back to bed. When she got up about 9:30 am, we tried to let it go that it seemed half the day was over. It had given her the rest she needed and in the process it gave me some time on the computer. So all that was good deal. I asked her then the second time she woke what the plan was because I don't want surprises. She hemmed and hawed and we followed suit, but pretty much it was like ... it's not about you making the decision for us or me making the decision for us ... it was about combining aspects that she would like with aspects I would like. We both wanted to go to the store and decided that we would do it about 12:30 pm after lunch. We then asked Mark about his work lunch schedule and we almost coordinated times.

I had made an issue of not going out to eat. Rich had given me a $50 and a full tank, but I told her that if we don't go out I could then use the $50 for sewing. One of her tasks was to pick up the sewing machine at the store. It's actually my sewing machine - she has her own, but she's had our sewing machine for 20 years and hadn't done anything with it repair wise. Yeeks! So, anyway I felt that I could claim some ownership of it back if I paid some of the cost. it had come to about $90.

The ladies at the shop thought it was a great machine. It's a Viking which is supposed to be the top or next to the top of the line. This quilt store in particular specialized in them. Because the machine hadn't been overused it was like almost in new condition. I was very pleased to hear this. I know at the time I'd put a lot of money into it ... It was like a $600 machine back in the day and it's held up its value. One of the ladies - Sue said she had had that same machine ... so she let me know that she was going to give it one more nostalgic look before putting it away. She said she loved it, but eventually updated. At the time we'd bought it because we'd just gotten the Victorian and it had 54 windows and no curtains. When we went through the divorce and the multiple moves, CS let me know that at the time she didn't have a machine and wouldn't mind having it for awhile. That made sense to me. I didn't want to lose the machine and I knew she was a big sewer. She'd worked at Joanne Fabrics during high school and some college. Those people have to sew for displays.

It's still a little murky, but CS is coming around. She's been more than generous with her supplies. I said that until I learned how to use it we could keep the machine at her place. That seemed a good idea to her. We'll have to make room for it eventually if we were to take it home. I'm not sure how much we'll get into the sewing part. I do know that after we started ... the waiting for her to finish something so we had something to work on was very hard. To help somewhat with the lag time, she taught us about pinning materials. Pretty too during the down time we were watching what she was doing. It felt very comfortable.

I think she loves "stuff" about as much as me and I think its going to be a hardship for her to give up having 2 sewing machines. She expressed that sometimes she would do both of them by putting 2 different thread colors on both so she could go back and forth. But, in reality, I think her machine might have cost a couple thousand dollars and is newer, so I'm sure she's used to using more the better machine. I am actually quite relieved that it's there so I can learn from her. I'm about a gazillion light years away from knowing what we're doing. I have only the confidence that my family members all sew and sew well, so somewhere in me I have that ability too.

I think Mark threw kinks in our getting out at time, but we found the store was open til 4 pm and we'd known going into plan making that it would have to be adaptable. Mark changed it so that we weren't going to eat spaghetti at home, and then he changed it so that CS would be going out for it - chicken and then he changed it so he was coming in too late to eat together. Pshwoo! Definite kinks. But, eventually we got out and CS seemed to understand my impatience by giving me a quilting magazine to look at on the way to the store. The magazine had the Batik material we were going to look for ... and well you know me and learning :)

It was a relaxing trip to the store. After we got there she introduced us around and then she for the most part set me up in the corner where my materials were taking up a wall. I had to get 15 colors and there were hundreds to choose from. She pretty much said here you go ... do what you want and I'll be in a back room in that direction - she said this while pointing "afar."

She wasn't exactly truthful in that she'd never mentioned getting her own stuff. Even at the store she said she was going to look in the back for a few pieces we would need for the other quilt. Man she came out and she had a stack bigger than mine! There's always that nervousness around money - especially now that the two of us are together and seem to both be overpaying. I think she was serious coming into the house and telling me not to tell Mark what she'd bought. I'm pretty sure he's against that because she has two rooms and two closets - big - with leftover material. She didn't have the kind of fabric we needed and apparently she didn't have what SHE needed. I couldn't believe she was getting material to fill her stock and not getting it for any particular pattern, but I'm thinking in this line of craft - you see nice material and just go wild :)

The experience of shopping for material the first time in my life - well beside the curtain material - half of that was just given by my ex' mom. So anyway since that was over 20 years ago it COUNTS as my first time hehehe. I pretty much went to town ... CS showed me - she gives minimal instructions, but they are usually pretty good. She had told me to just pull out the bolts I wanted and leave them on the floor. I had wanted to know if I should do all that considering how small some of the pieces were. She explained that was just how you do it and that it would be fine.

I spotted the first one I absolutely wanted and from there everything just slid into place. CS said the next day after we'd come up with colors for the tri-quilting office project that I have a natural talent. She explained that she didn't have it so most of the time relied on material pulled together by someone else in kits. YEEKS! I thought that was terrible. Of course I was going to want to know what was going into my quilt if I were going to love it! So for the most part - maybe that is just like the project of combining the material on paper - we will just both have our talents and will both contribute to the whole. I'm really happy to hear there is something I am doing well. So far I'm a good ironer, cutterer, pinner, and now a material shopper :)

The process of getting the material to the counter was pretty easy and the people serving us were pretty cool. One had come over in the process to let me know she was available to help, but I said no thanks. I was having too much fun by then. I found out later it was probably a little disappointment because this particular lady absolutely loved this kind of material. She did all the extra curriculum oohing and ahhing over the material choices with each bolt she picked up. That was very gratifying too. It gave me the confirmation I had needed after my first attempt ... that the material really was going together very well. I was scared over the price, but there was nothing we could do at that point about that.

The sales lady had waited until CS came back to give the dimensions. I found out pretty quick that CS was way over on everything she picked out. I don't know quite how much exactly, but when I looked at the pattern I could visually figure out you needed just a little but she'd gotten I think a yard or two or more for each. I know that's her way, but we went through most the money in my low bank account. It was almost $300 by the time she was done. I took on the 7 yard cost for the backing material for the 3 quilts .. CS was arguing that she'd cover the cost, but her order at least the part she acknowledged was over $400. Man! I guess it cost about $9 or so a yard. I think that's incredibly costly ... CS was saying but she got a deal because they give her 10% off. But, even that man! Thing is she knew what she was doing and I didn't.

I think we're going to have to go back through our resolve not to shop with her. I could see by the look on her face she'd gone way over and was grimacing. I don't know enough about their budget ... just know by her comment not to tell Mark - she went way over. She doesn't in public want to make it seem like a lot.

I think when we were in the fabric store several people had come in and out, but for the most part we got a lot of service from one of the employees and the owner of the shop. They apparently knew CS pretty well, or well enough. They compared notes of having been at the big quilt competition. CS was appreciated for having gotten into the competition. They had said it was a difficult thing to do. I don't know if CS knew how hard it was, but she has a general philosophy that if your not concerned about the difficulty ... you'll just do it. It's a good theory. I think its easy to beat yourself.

There was a lot of social yacking and we were learning about one another on a personal basis. Part of it was that they were sales people and knew their trade, but other parts were that I think we can be good conversationalists. Usually, I can listen pretty well and ask good questions, and I'm comfortable giving information out to assist anyone in relaxing with us. Ann the owner wanted to make sure CS knew they were going to have a quilting retreat in November. Actually they were having two but the other one had filled up. By the sounds of it, they are both about 20 big.

I thought CS should go because the guys could handle the dogs, she was afraid to leave them and then she had to fight her other demons. She has the problem of back and getting overly tired and not feeling well. Usually, when she puts out she has time to lay back and self-heal. This is going to be a lot on her. After we finally pushed enough that she could go - BECAUSE she really wanted to - she said that she would just take the breaks she needed so she could hold up the whole weekend. I had asked the cost early on and I thought it was a great deal to go for room and board for 4 days for only $200. Since then CS has gotten us each our own private room which cost an extra $35. She has problems being a light sleeper and I snore. She was adament the rooms were pretty small etc. It was ok, I have no complaint about getting a separate room. I know just with my electronics that I need to spread out.

I thought things over on the way home ... we'd been in general talking to her about stuff and were fully engaged, but by the time we got home we'd pretty much decided that we might go with her to give her that confidence, and because I thought it would be fun. Ann had made sure to say that there were all experience levels going and not having sewn wasn't going to be a problem. Pswhoo! CS played heavily into was it going to be ok with Mark. They talk in their own form, but after she had left the room, I had told Mark, I wasn't sure, but I was thinking of telling her that I'd like to go too. Mark's complaint was that she'd be going all by herself. I know he's going to feel better as would Rich if we were going together. So that worked out cool.

CS seemed very happy after she learned my plans. We've been dialoging all week back and forth about what would be happening. It's done through FB so there is just a little here and there whenever there are a few moments to pull together. AHA! Just checked over there now ... apparently she hasn't written yet, but Jeff left another note.

Jeff is someone we knew from high school. We weren't' particularly friends, but I think we had passing acceptance of each other as much as that sort of things happens. I think we've both gone through depression and now it seems he knows about PTSD so we're half way there on comfort levels. We read some things from his son yesterday and became very engaged in those thoughts. I hope we continue to be better friends. He really seems to be someone I would like to know. He says that he's been a loner - and in all reality we're pretty much the same. I really respect him ... He was always someone who stood tall!

So anyway back to the sewing? After dinner we finally got started on the sewing. There were things for me to do, but the work was slow. I had a hard time with patience. I need to keep my minds occupied. We did have nice conversations though and worked into the night a bit. The next morning we got started earlier, but there were other breaks. At one point, she released me so that I could look or pull together material for the quilt. There were a few bigger pieces from the store, but mostly the stuff came from her supplies. I think this kind of things feed my obsessions just right. She wasn't sure at first if we were ok, because we'd been inpatient, but we made sure to let her know that this was just the kind of thing that could make a person happy.

Toward the end of our experience we'd taken a few pictures. We spent some time with CS gathering things up and she printed out a few of the pictures. I think she's having trouble with the transitions too. I think Marky and CS like when I come over. It's about 2 hours and 15 minute to 30 minutes trip. It's not real bad, but it's a stretch. We knew that Rich wasn't coming home until 8 pm, so we weren't real excited about getting home before him. So we pretty much soaked the leaving. CS had gotten quiet. She had said something before we left about Rich and us getting a place closer to where they lived. We're pretty sure that wouldn't happen, but we've already started the process of thinking that if anything were to happen to Rich, I might go towards her area. Let's hope that's a long ways off. We still both have our quirkinesses enough to know that we need separations of time and space too so we don't get on each other's nerves. I think the effort is good from both though in learning to get along.

There was a nice couple hours too when we got a chance to talk to Uncle Mark. It was a variety of things, but he'd gone out to sit on the deck in the thing that rocks back and forth. CS had gone to lay down and we had gotten something to eat and I was thinking ahh ... haven't talked to Mark yet! So we joined him. They have a nice table out there and the space is comfortable. We talked about things that were more in-depth and then after a while it lightened up to an easy chat. I'm glad that Mark is around. I know he's gone through problems in the past and is just coming into a new school which causes it's own anxieties, but I think in general he's seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Think it was touch and go in-between. I think that Mark likes talking to us like we do him and it seemed just about the right amount of time.

CS let us know afterward that both she and Mark were glum because they don't like saying goodbye. I think this is a good thing. Not that anyone is suffering, but that you always want when visiting to have ready an invitation to come back. It wasn't ALL smooth at one point she seriously through a biscuit at me. We lightened things up a bit, and teased her for having our father's temperament. That was enough for her to remember how she hadn't liked it when she made spaghetti for my father and he threw it on the ground. I remember an incident where he was going off. He had put his food on the floor and stood up on top of the chair and from there he had his temper tantrum full bloom.

It's like sending up a flare. Oh oh CS ... you are going off a deep end, come back! Then we checked it out with both Mark and Nathan. Neither of them seemed surprised. Nathon's comment was well yes that's Mom sometimes she will do that. *Sigh* Ok, no fixing here! Just need to make sure we don't get caught up in each others problems. It was good that I could step back and realize that something was going on.

The point she had lost it was that I was playing the part of devil's advocate in helping her brain storm through a problem she and Mark are having. Basically, from their own view points, they are dealing with having one car and two drivers. I'm pretty sure I pushed her too far. Lessen learned. Next time I go it would be fun to get out of the car with a shield. I think she could then giggle about it too. I had seen her face though and I knew she had left it for a couple of moments.

We'll talk it over with Dr. Marvin tonight to make sure we check out, but other than that ... it's like ok, moving along.

Being back at work this week has been hard. Yesterday we had a meeting and we hadn't remembered it. We've stepped past the point of not looking at our schedule. We know we have to get back to it, but it's hard. CS has dominated most of our thoughts - or that of the sewing project. I think that being with CS is a good thing though is sometimes hard. I think the sewing projects have been good even though they take on dragon-size sometimes, because it's a vehicle of CS and us being together again. It gives us a playground to hang out.

The deal with the retreat is that it's going to be in about 8 weeks from today. That puts it a week before Thanksgiving. Lots to look forward to ... and some to be nervous of. We usually do pretty good with others, but its an effort and strain on us. We're going to feel we need some time with CS and some time separate from her so she can be creating her own relationships. I think she can be sharp with others, but most often she showers others in kindness even when its' pressing on her. She's got needs for attention and shows some signs of passive-aggressive. BOUNDARIES, RIGHT!??

Ok, nuf there.

I think the hardest part planning, which of course is something we can leap into is the project part. I wrote CS a note yesterday saying expressing the time distance and that we will be up at least once and maybe twice before the event. She has come back now in that Ann will put up the directions on what to bring maybe this next week. I had told CS since we had paid money already that we should be able to have the agenda. We need to start clearing all our personal obstacles. We want to be working on either Dr. M's or the 3 some quilt ... CS might want to do something else, but seems of the two to be sliding to the 3 some quilt. I don't have the sense of timing she does to know how much that kind of project is going to be.

We also don't know if there will be more time to introduce me to sewing proper before we go. On the one hand, we can go in as a team and have her do the sewing and me the ironing, pinning, and trimming. But, then again, we could be a more active part of SOME of the sewing. We could work on separate projects and make use of having a sewing teacher or two around. That take some pressure off CS and she could spend the time she needs recuperating in bed while we are able to continue. We'll have to see ... I would like to make plans, but can't yet. I don't know if I have a choice preference, except that I know I will want to stay busy and not be waiting for anyone. Since this is going to be my quilt I don't know if CS won't just hand it over - basically, getting me set-up, but leave me to do the work on my own of learning. We'll see ... we're teasing her already that she should set us up on the cruise sewing trip. She clarified I could bring Rich. If there were money that be really fun. She had just told us it happens, but she has not given any direction yet.

I think that Rich could handle it if we had money, because he likes water and time to work quietly or read. It be a really good way too for Mark and Rich to get together, while CS and us did our sewing thing. It have to be something too that worked around schedules. Mark is much freer in the summer because of his schedule. Rich likes to get out and CS and I'd be occupied which suits both our needs. We'll have to see maybe one day. Let's get through this first trip out first.

I can say honestly that we're looking forward. We told Sister already we'd take a few days off for the experience. She didn't have us mark it down in our book yet, but she seemed to be saying that it would be ok.

Funny Rich an us just sat together for 5 minutes ... I ate lunch, but he's protesting me not making him lunch by not eating lunch. We're still trying to get over schedule differences. We both want to spend time together, but he wants to sleep in and we want to be at our computer. I think the only way to get past it is for me to get up earlier to write so I'm not so frustrated losing time to just sitting ...I like sitting with Rich, but I get impatient to be getting back to our thoughts. Well that part is still work in process.

He talked a little about some of his work toward fundraisers for the center. He's got two things going. He's going to have the center host a poker night through an organization he's real familiar with and he's talking over ideals to be opening a retail shop. That one's a longer-ranged project, but he seems to be working on it seriously, so we have to make sure to stay positive with it. I like the idea ... think it would be a lot of work and needs a ton more discussion, but then again ... it's not our baby - it's Rich. Giggle. He just came back and said sister accepted his proposition to take the client I recommended to be on his volunteer list. The next thing he says was could you get his social security number for me. It was then like ... no. That's your job. We usually say something like ... we're not your secretary, remember? All he has to do is open the file drawer ... he does case files, I'm sure he could find the number :)

Ok, well see there ... that's always a little problem with couples. Maintaining boundaries so one doesn't get frustrated with the other. We can do this, right?

We should probably be doing something else, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to give up the ship yet. We teased Rich ... sorta ... we told him that my sister is planning a sewing cruise ship for us and that he should be going with us. He first said something like right! but then he said something a little less restrictive like - that'll take some time to plan. I don't think he said something that direct, but soon after he reminded me he was a couple thousand short of the income he'd feel comfortable with. Ok, like one thing at a time. We'll let that one slide for a bit.

In the meantime, I talked to Sr. about the meeting for staff training this afternoon. She has about 10-15 minute of time needed for announcements, so then we'll plan the rest of the meeting. I think we were doing something before this last break in schedules. Remember last week I did Holly's Thursday, because she was out until Friday. Sister took them then last week in my absence. I also found the client that Rich wanted to volunteer for his fundraiser. So we had him follow us back - they had their two minute talk and so all is good there. The client is only in on Thursdays and Friday so we didn't want the permission part missed. We know he'd volunteer anyway, because ... well this is a guy thing to like being around the poker players, He's a traditional guy who likes sports and stuff and there's not a guy in the place that wouldn't like doing something with Mr. Rich. He's aloof enough to be a big deal - especially as the center's only male staff-type.

Good good ... we got done with the staff training meeting. I can't say it wasn't dry. At least the better half. Sr. took her meeting to a half hour. True some of them had come in late, but the thing is she means to talk just 10 minutes, but it was a full half hour before we could talk. We got through most of the Ethics document I'd just pulled together. I'm probably the least ethical person I know ... that makes me feel pretty terrible, but yet we continue.

One year they are going to find out about Rich and us. Not only is he no longer married, he's been with us for 15 years and we've lived together for 2 years. Most likely this was a no-no. In a sense we set up a conflict of interest. I don't think it is like either of us are making unfair money because we both do the work we are responsible for, but we do talk afterward. Most of the time we talk though Rich takes an upper hand from being higher in authority. I will argue out my points, and it still comes back to I have to do the work the best I can, but then he doesn't tell Sr. if I'm having a hard time getting things done. One because sister knows already of my problems in concentrating, but then again ... Rich might say something more toward Ann might need more structure. We like it best when he doesn't talk to Sr. about me, but we're pretty sure if she's venting that she would say something to Rich about me. Sr. is like that with a lot of people. Mostly Rich keeps tht kind of stuff away from me. He's pretty private between him and Sr.

Ok, I don't want to be thinking of these fine lines. It's getting me no where. I think if I were to have an ethics talk to me I would be asking why is it that we do writing at work that's more personal thought process orientated. I think we have a lot of gray areas. I think of myself as doing work and play both at home and work. I think this is more natural in today's world when the social work is as far away as your work computer or iphone. I don't know how to deal with it though. I need to get my thoughts from one place to another. And, if I didn't talk through words on paper, I don't know how I would be able to direct the way my mind works. I seem to know what my tasks are, but often it gets breathed as CARF or Annuals. I have a great amount of trouble understanding how to do those things.

I know other parts of us know how to do these things, but I have a hard time and it's hard to get access back to the parts that know what's going on. I know that I have to do something first. I think I would have to stop and open some kind of work. It hurts my brain to think though it though. I think Dr. Marvin would say there is a lot of resistance.

I moved a paper so I could see something of the part where I think we are supposed to be working from. I know this ethical stuff needs to go back into the file part where we put stuff away when we don't want it sitting out on our desk. I can do a quick glimpse down on the desk. The document that's up in the folder says All short goals. If I pushed that extra paper over i know it would say the date, but even looking at dates scares me because I am so out of sync with them.

I looked this last time for about 3-4 seconds on the sheet. It has client stuff on it to do with their goals. The highlighted part says counting with two way combination. I don't want to train my eyes and mind on it, because then I won't be here anymore ... someone else will come out and do the work.

One of the staff working in the other room said good-bye ... I listened to our voice. I don't think it was me ... for that second I could feel a closing in that I knew something ... like that person leaves about now. My head gets real confused when I think too hard about work. I'm probably not helping by being out. I keep seeing the one line when I look down ... I can't remember what it says unless I'm looking at it directly. It says fifty's plus twenty's. That's supposed to mean something to me. My forehead feels all wrinkly. It's working on overdrive to think things through. I remember something ... no, well, I was thinking for a second about something ... felt that nice part where were figuring stuff out and then in our rush to nab the thought it disappeared. Keep looking back at the word. I know that it would be good if I could finish this last task we had been working on, but it's so hard and I'm not sure with our time. The clock now says 2:33 PM. I think that means we have an hour before going to Dr. Marvin's.

I think he would understand the cloud I feel with my life. I suppose the thing to do would be to figure out what I do and don't know. I think that money thing has something to do with the cards that are supposed to be on the desk in back of me. I feel like I'm being pushed by another part, but I don't want to let go. I know that I am real when I'm writing my thoughts as confusing or confused as they are. Hmm, I didn't write to that Jeff person yet. He seems to think outloud that we aren't too crazy. I think I'd like to check that out. Be back later.

posted by Ann Marie @ 9/24/2009 03:38:00 PM Comments: 1

Short Title Test - Yay Marines!

posted by Ann Marie @ 9/15/2009 08:32:00 AM Comments: 0

One of the people we serve caught a preying mantis

posted by Ann Marie @ 9/15/2009 08:08:00 AM Comments: 0

A long tiredsome day and thoughts :(

Good morning. It's Saturday about 10:30 am. We've been over at FB for the last 2-3 hours. We were going through our connections and making progress notes or comments, and we took a little time to write one of our friends. Diane. She was a multiple too at one point and we've been looking forward to having some time to write back to her.

I think today is going to be a real casual day. Rich is fishing in WI about 6-7 hours north of here. We have talked to him over the phone for the last couple of nights for a few moments, but not a long time. Just enough though to know that he's doing ok. I think fishing was better on the first trial day, but I think yesterday he and Bob were like 2nd to last. Poor guy ... he's having a pretty hard fishing day as to getting things accomplished there. It'll be good to get past this year and start a new one fresh with hope. I think it's been a lot concentrating on where and the mechanics of controlling the boat and thinking of fishing at the same time. It takes some dedication and patience.

I think at the time we talked to Rich last, he was beginning to focus on food for dinner. The first night I think they'd bbq'd hot dogs and such and then last night they were going to bbq pork chops. I think Rich might have been responsible for the corn. It seems to have been a summer for bbqing corn on the cob.

Rich sounded a little tired, but he was really into the thick of things. He had talked a few times while we were talking to others passing by. I just love to hear him interacting with others. He's such a guy doll! He was very prompt in reminding me that I should be doing productive things while at home since I wasn't going to go to WI. I don't know if he thinks writing, and FB and cutting quilts is as productive as he'd like to see us get, my bet is that he was edging to the point, I should get out like going to the gym. Maybe we'll have to see ... it would be a good goal if we could. Might mean getting into the shower and planning something out, but for right now, we just got to writing and I'd really like to give that a chance for a while.

CS is going to the quilt show in a little bit. She said on FB that she will be leaving at noon. I am hoping the best for her. She's got a quilt entered in a quilt contest at a quilt show. I really hope she does well, especially because this is the first time she's entered. She is going with her friend Carol. I was supposed to go up this weekend, but felt it was too much to go to the quilt show, because I would have wanted to go in my own car for better flexibility and it was like 1 1/2 hours away. That was too much. CS volunteered that I could have stayed with Mark, but that felt too complicated too and I knew she'd be tired on Sunday from all the walking and noise. There will be another weekend. I don't know if I will go up before Rich's next fishing trip, but we'll keep that in mind. I think Rich only has one more trip this year for weekend fishing. He'll have the "Classic" as a finale in October.

Dr. Marvin and us talked about the situation with CS last night among other things. We didn't really talk too much on work, but went through our regular topics of Rich, and the boys, and various things we were doing or trying. We had gotten to the place where we said with a half hour to go that we'd work on our harder stuff. I just know that CS came up there and good time went into that. I believe I understand that situation a little better. I won't discuss it here because I don't want to invade CS space in public, but as a marker it had mostly to do with strong feelings we were having when Rich and us went up last weekend.

I don't think that that had a lot to do with not going up this weekend, but it did seem like it was a lot of family to be going two weekends in a row. I know CS is going to want to spend time with her best friend, and I didn't want to intrude into that space. One more thing too though is that I have to figure more on this quilt space with her. I don't want to invade on her space as to something she's very proud of and gets a lot of esteem points on.

I'm not sure where to go here next. I've kinda cut myself off here. I don't think I particularly want to go into a lot on work now, because I need a little release time from it.

I might try after a while to turn on the music like we had last weekend. I think we were out quite a bit, first with seeing Rich's Mom and then seeing CS. When we were home on Monday for the holiday, Rich and us spent a lot of time cleaning up around here and doing things like that. I forgot or didn't have time to talk or think through that with Dr. Marvin, but I think we had a pretty hard time when it came to Rich vacuuming. Matter of fact, I think we were here writing when we got triggered and then lost quite a bit of time. I think there was something to do with being somewhere between here and the bed, and I seem to remember that as Rich began to question our state, we went to him and we were sobbing. I think we were having a reaction to something else, but as well to a sense of tying the past with my father cleaning and being forced to help with worry over Rich asking us for help.

I think we'd tried to preempt that by picking up before he asked, but when he came into the living room while we were writing with the vacuum, we did pretty bad as to having regressions. Maybe I'll remember more of this later, but for now that's enough. Better we be moving forward. It does remind me that I should make sure we posted from last week, I seem to think we might have saved something that didn't get posted. We aren't writing as much now so when it does happen we want to make sure it gets included. Hold on let me check that out.

Hmm, ok, I guess we were writing about what had happened to some degree as to the sexual nature and kind of attention CS was requiring whether or not she was conscious of it. That's some of what we had tried to avoid up top, but ... yeeks they are chanting in the background with all that Anti-Obama stuff. I've been really upset with all that business. I'm of the mindset against Representative Joe Wilson telling Obama while he was speaking to both that he lied. I think there is so much anti-Obama or anything Democratic, and that's getting a lot of air time. It's very much against negotiating anything that could be beneficial for all, but mostly republican's don't seem to like that government has a hand in health care. It's such a fallacy, because so many get government support especially those who are retired. I think they wash there hands of what happens to mankind, although they continue to receive services. They are against any responsibility of making sure everyone is covered. I think somehow they place those others as needy people who aren't doing their share. This is the same group walking around as holier than though and fighting for hand gun support. I just can't say enough of how negative that all feels to me. Yeeks!

Ok, enough of that. We just got up and used the washroom, poured some coffee, and found some grapes that Rich left for us. We've been eating too much food since Rich left, but that might just be some nervousness of him not being here. We feel more protected when he is here even when he is driving us crazy with his needs that we should be doing more than takes place from the corner of this couch.

Ok, we're getting blocked here again. Better that we try to begin again ... what is it that we think about that feels safe. We've started to clean up in here when we stand up and the last time up we opened the main curtain in the living room for bright light. It's part of what we need to do to get moving according to Rich's preferences. I don't think he says that we can't do the writing or quilt or anything in that direction, but he wants us to do good for us practical things too. Like I'm pretty sure he'd like for us to get our shower and go to the gym. Maybe we'll have to plan that in.

Ok, placing that into our consciousness ... why don't we set a time frame? Hmm? Girls, what do you think? It's about 11:30 am now. I'm pretty sure that if we went we would prefer to go do the walking over the swimming. That's become much safer feeling when we go with Rich. We didn't seem to get out or remember that option this week, but then things were pretty busy. Rich and us went to bed about 6:30 pm on Wednesday so he could be meeting Bob by 1 am Thursday morning so they could get to their fishy place in time.

We've found ourselves a little overwhelmed since. We were at work both days, but just doing the minimum of tasks. We spent a lot of time doing stuff that I don't remember, but it was computer orientated. Maybe that will come back to me after a while.

But, as to that morning being up, we were up since 12:30 and fell asleep about 6:15 - 6:45 am, then we went to work. I know that we were doing a lot of stuff around the FB. We found ourselves too looking for others that had been at my senior high. I'm not sure why this has become so important for me. I don't really NEED more relationships ... I've got plenty although most of my relating is done over the computer and especially over FB. I don't have personal friends that can like come over to my place. I'm ok with that, but sometimes get lonely.

Hmm, just caught sight of the kitties ... they had done something fight like for just a second. It reminded me that we'd taken some pictures of them that morning while we were up. We've been posting a lot of pictures to the computer. Half of the pictures of the two cats being together were blurred, but that seems to have just lent to the excitement of that morning. They were both up on the arm of the couch just to the left of me. It seems that they are done napping now and want to play a bit. Somehow it seems like they have taken to CS plastic cutting board. Rich tipped it over and they like to sit or lay on it. Now they are doing some kitty charging at each other. They both seem to want land rights to the board. We'll see how that goes.

Hmm, lightweight thinking here. One of the friends from the past that we'd connected too was Sara Jorde. She was a tough girl that lived at the other end of 6th street. Because we lived together so closely we switched schools together, and I'm not sure, but I thought she's been a girl scout during the early days, but I'm not sure of this part. I remember mostly of knowing her, but really appreciating her in the 6th grade when 30 of us from the same grade over a two block radius got switched over to a school in the next town over. It was a horrible thing for the school district to do as we had reached our final year of elementary school. We were supposed to be at the top, and instead we were split into 5 classrooms and we didn't know anyone.

Sara was placed in our classroom and I remember sitting next to her and wanting to be her friend. To some degree we were friends. I don't remember exactly how close, but I always admired her though most likely didn't understand her much. I know she was someone on the other side of our other Sarah friend who'd died in 4th grade. This also was the splitting of our friend Judy Nosebush or something like that. I think what had happened is by then we were comin in and out of or at least coming in and out of some kind of conscious process of having multiple parts. Sara represented a tougher part of us than the follower we'd seemed to be with Judy and her friends.

I remember conscientiously not talking to Judy and her becoming upset or concerned over why we were fighting. I don't think I could put it in words, but for the most part had decided within us that we didn't want anything to do with her. I had become a good friend of a girl named Lee and we'd been working on a few projects together. Lee though moved on to becoming a student like the rest of this school at an opposing high school to the one we were sent back to and that included our siblings and other people we'd become estranged from.

Sara at that time went to different social circles than we'd been in. I don't know, but I think she was with the group that did smoking, maybe drinking and such, like Carol Ann Barnwell my best friend when we were really small and who lived directly next door. I wouldn't be on any of this though, because the truth is its more a sense than direct memories. I always maintained respect of Sara. There was some feeling even now that she'd had a difficult life, but I didn't know why. There was so much separation. I think I fell in line with more people who had been in band. She wasn't a musician.

Most likely though we kept in touch visually in that we must have ridden the same buses to school over the next how many years until one or both of us started driving to class.

I think now that I remember some sense of teasing. Maybe she teased me for being overly "good." I don't know when perhaps with her, I felt more daring. I probably was doing a lot of separating from my "church" self. I'm not sure maybe Sara was in my confirmation class too? I'm just not sure. Just she'd always been around. I had a lot to rebel from in that I was having a terrible life with my family and had desperately needed friendship.

One way or another, this last couple of days, Sarah accepted my friendship in FB. I've felt pretty honored over it. It turns out that she's gay and in a relationship with a woman who is black. She seemed pretty nice ... her face and demeanor in the few pictures I saw seemed friendly and closely held to Sara as a friend or partner. There were pictures of other things, but as well camping. I don't think this was something the two of them did often, and it seemed more like Sara's friend probably had to be coaxed :) The other thing that was cool about Sarah is that it appears she took up photography as a career. You gotta know that fascinates me. We giggled as we presented this to Dr. Marvin as having found someone who is even BETTER at valuing the camera. Of course, we are like into our first month or so of amateur, and it seems that Sarah might have been doing it for over the last 30 years or so. Ok, slight difference, but just the same it felt like an important tie.

The other thing I wanted to say which was an important note in my mind was that Sara had a beautiful face. It seems to have bared many hardships, but maybe she's had it different. Most likely though she's gone through a lot of which, I can hardly think of knowing. She does seem to have a lot of close friends, particularly women. I think I'm probably to wooshy for her to consider as a serious friend, but I'd like to know her anyway. I'll have to consider over the next few days if we're going to make a formal appeal to friendship or if we're going to stay lurking. At this point we're feeling pretty shy. Maybe we were like that all the time? Not sure.

Probably should be leaving well enough alone for the time being, but did want to say that we've come back to these thoughts fairly often in wanting to reach out more. Just not sure of our bearing.

Ok, that must have seemed like a challenge. We didn't like the thought of losing our connection to this person. So we wrote a long paragraph re-introduction of ourselves. Ended up by asking her how the hell was she? I didn't pretend to be any closer than we were, but there's still this sense of having had a strong connection if not just for an important moment. I'll have to be patient now to see if she writes back. I'm not sure at all what kinds of thoughts she has of that time, or time now. I just know that she accepted my link for friendship and we've come together at least that far. We'll see. Maybe we'll just stay in contact through reading of each other and spying the portraits, but even that now seems better than not. Like to think as much as anyone we could get to know each other.

I can't say enough of our appreciation over FB and it's ability to connect people. As a multiple it seems a little strange in that with all our segregating of thoughts and such as go with people over the course of our life ... there is now some kind of connection. Most of the time when I make an entry or leave a picture or comment, I'm not thinking so much about the over-contact or giving of personal thoughts to near strangers, it seems more like anyone is as much or as potentially as much a friend as the next. I'm specially happy to have some closer contact to the boys. It sort of replaces those feelings of loss I've had over the years in not talking to them sometimes months or more. I'm not happy to see some of the stuff they have to go through, but am really appreciating being at least this much in touch. I'm hoping I'm not feeling invasive on their thoughts. But, then this would be the one of me in low-self-esteem. I would hope somewhere that they read me too and take some appreciation of me. BUT, we also know that Joe corrected us at one point ... I'm not sure if it was as direct as I'm thinking it was now, but pretty much he told me not to be connecting with him and Cari as much as we might have been.

I don't always hold this cold thought, but sometimes come to realize it. Hmm, I'm wondering ... I wonder if we could go out tomorrow with him. I don't think I have enough money though. I know I don't have money in the bank and I've only got $50 of the $60 Rich left me. I'm afraid about $30 of that has to go for gas. Better not go out on that limb. I know that if they would go out I would put myself in the position of wanting to pay for it.

I had left a message before last weekend about maybe doing something next weekend. Hmm, maybe I could leave that message now. By then I will have the next paycheck. Hmm?

Ok, we'll have to let the chips fall where they may. We sent him a text message. It seems like our phone is acting up again. I think it means we have to take the battery in and out, but it's probably telling us we need a new battery. He responded by saying that he'd probably have to talk to her later. We just responded "K, thanks." I'm pretty sure that will be it of the communication. I won't contact him again unless he contacts me. He's got this funny part about him which is blocked off from me as someone who is a safe or good person.

I remember that he'd gone to my grandmother's funeral and had said some unkind things and one of the conclusions was that he'd prefer he choose the times we connect, and didn't like me reaching out to him. But, I find if I don't try and connect, then neither will he. I was happy when he contacted me to say he was getting married, but we are at an extreme distance in thinking that he'd ever want to talk to me privately about such a thing first or during. This kind of thing feels like a lot of hurt that is a path I don't want to go down. Just have to progress in life and connect when we can. I'm not sure all of what goes into his thoughts of me, but obviously I've made my share of mistakes, and he's grown into a person that most often I don't recognize, some of which comes from his father, but other that comes from within himself. He's pretty direct in his likes and dislikes. I think of him as a black and white person, and right now I'm on the wrong colored horse. *sigh*

Maury is busy this weekend with a rummage sale he and Lauren are having. I think they are trying to get rid of a lot of there stuff. I have some interest in going over to see how they are doing, but again I feel my sense of separation from them. I know he's busy and is doing what he has to do to go through the separation process he has to go through with Lauren. I think they will always maintain some kind of relationship because of the girls, but they both seem to realize before the house gets sold, they have to get rid of some of the insides. That I don't particularly need to see. It seems real sad. I also don't feel as giving as I've seen Cari and Jacki my ex' wife in holding up a relationship to Lauren. The way I feel is that she's separate now and I don't have to be around her and would prefer not. I'm pretty sure she feels the same.

That's as far as I want to to go there. We'll have to see how things go as they both go together in separating their lives. I know that I'm here as much as Maury can tolerate. I know that he prefers his father, brothers, and friends over time with me. But, like Joe and Thom I don't know exactly what I do to turn them off. Sometimes I want to know to figure out how to be better or more important in their lives, and other times ... I feel like I just have to accept what's left. I do feel some anxiety in that the choices to be more separate are coming from them and not me. I don't know if the multiplicity is a big or small part of it. It does seem unless one of them needs help which is seldom, they don't have much need for me or at least enough parts so that they are uncomfortable with us. I don't know what to do with that. I think my ease of crying over things like this is part of which separates them from us. I don't think they like it that I can become emotional and I'm sure they would think of me as excessively needy. Again that stems from their life with their father and perhaps those years separated from them.

I'm very glad at the time I didn't understand how bad the relationship between us would become because I'm absolutely sure I never would have survived it. Even now thinking about the distance, I find myself thinking over suicidal type thoughts which I haven't had for such a long time. Then I think of Dr. Marvin and I'm pretty sure that even having these thoughts is a bad sense of the past of wanting to have some attention. I've become a bad person to them and it breaks my heart.

Oh dear we're crying again. I don't usually follow my feelings of being a mom to this degree. Maybe it is time to take a couple minutes break. I'm pretty sure I need to use the washroom, maybe take a shower, and get a fresh cup of coffee. Things will be ok, right?

There that's better and we came back with a fudgsicle too. WooHOO!

Ahh that was a decent break. We toppled on Obama's speech on CNN. We hadn't noticed it was coming up until there he was saying Hello Minneapolis! Hello St. Paul! I really appreciated his speech because the nay-Sayers have been so strong this last month or two. I don't want to stay in this space, but I thought the speech was gifted. I'm thinking maybe we'll turn off the news for awhile, because I don't want to here this other stuff against Obama and support for health plans for everyone.

Whoo Hoo! I'm not sure how we got started in this, but we had taken our iPod to get synced for some reason with the big computer and it wanted us to update the rhapsody account or the iTunes or something. Oh yes I remember now we were going to play music instead of listening to CNN. Anyway there was a bunch of fumbling, but it seems that Rhapsody and Apple finally got together because Rhapsody had offered for $2 more a feature called Rhapsody to Go. I rent Rhapsody for $12 a month and would be very pleased to pay extra $2 more to get the service on our iPod. Before they had only funky connection devises, but through one of the updates they were saying they were now able to sync with iPod phones and touch. I couldn't be more happy. It was touch and go to see if I could make the connections, especially since my credit card has rocked out BUT we did it. We're now hearing Sarah Brightman over the ear phones! This is the thing that makes my day the brightest! WOOHOO!!! I can pick out my own music now while at the gym.

Oh man I'm being tickled pink!

I really like my subscription to Rhapsody. I can play about any kind of music I can imagine over each of my computers and now over the iPod without having to pay the prices of albums. Naturally I don't own the music - I do have the option to pay for it, but now there is no reason not too. Wow!

Hmm, I'm seeing CS at the quilt show with a ribbon on standing next to her quilt. I can't see what the sheet on the quilt says and I don't know what kind of ribbons they have. It seems to be a light colored one and it doesn't look red or blue. I'm not sure what that means. We texted her to see what it was, but we'll wait patiently ... one way or another it is a beautiful quilt. I would think that Carol her friend would be proud to have it. We'll see. It might be too noisy for her to have picked up the message. She does look happy, so we'll go with that. She might be feeling the happy mood of everything she's seeing and experiencing. No matter what the place she has a lot to be proud of having made the competition.

I think I should be planning on going to the gym if I'm going to go, but that would take a random act of faith to get me dressed and out the door, but there is the thing I could be walking to Sarah Brightman and feel so much happier afterward. I wouldn't want to run out of battery before I got there. They are fresh now and too the gym is only open until 7 pm on Saturdays and Sundays. I'd rather type, but sure would be pleased to make our fishyman happy when he calls to ask what we did today.

I am sorta stoked now. :) Ok, you know you want it! Just gotta get dressed dears, hmm?

WooHOO! We got back now ... we went to the gym and everything! I'm so excited. I have to leave a FB message ... going to the gym is a big deal, but going with Sarah Brightman WOW!!!!

AHA! Done Deal! I am surprised by how fast the day has gone. I feel like I've barely written anything. I am pretty much in a good mood. I think if I had the next week off work I'd be in a GREAT mood. *sigh* Ok, it's not that good, but ... shoot, I can hardly wait until we retire! Pretty much we'd be better, but we've always got CARF hanging over our head and that's a lot. I wish there was some other way to get it done without the panicky feelings we feel. I got to keep it in perspective and just do it a little better. But, today IS the day to give it a break, right?

Let's see is there anything else I'd like to accomplish? Probably not, except maybe after a while, we should have some kind of dinner, and then maybe work on the Quilt stuff ... We haven't made any progress there. Part of what we talked to Dr. Marvin was was that he thought CS exposing herself so much to Rich was her learned way of demanding attention. I felt embarrassed about it, but more from the point of view of embarrassed for being in a family such as this.

It's really an unfair thing because I think that different people are reading the situation differently and I'm sure that my impression of it is the worst. Pretty much we're feeling the horror of sexuality from the abuses of past. Talking to Rich - he didn't see the problems that I saw. I know when this stuff happens, it usually isn't the situation itself, but what we're bringing with it from the past. A lot of women where clothing that allows cleavage to show. Don't know where we are getting this level of horror. I mean I know it's from the past, but I can't pin it down I don't know where it's coming from ... why is this freaking me out so much? I don't seem to be able to let it go even with talking to Dr. Marvin about it.

Maybe part of it is that Rich refuses to see my perspective. Not that he should share the same one, he didn't go through the same experience. But, I would like him to see that I'm pretty freaked out ... well, maybe he does see that too, but only from the perspective of oh shoot ... am I going to have to fix her again? Better slow her down at the passe.

Thinking now how much Rich stays in his Rich space. Nothing is too far between him going on the last trip to the next trip. Really if given a choice because that's where he wants to be, we'd like him to be there. Sometimes though it's nice to share. Hehehe WELL actually we share quite a bit all considering he has a separate life from us. He's such a honey bunny. *sigh* Ok, girls lets not go there again, ok? Best we be appreciating no one telling us what to do for a bit. Hmm?

I don't know how long I'll be able to listen to Sarah Brightman over the earphones, without needing to charge it. I forgot to mark the time we started listening to it. I know that we will just have to go back to listening to her out of our computer speakers which are good. But it sure is fun hearing her only between our ears. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.

It's by the way about 5 pm now. I'm thinking that maybe we should order out tonight since Rich left money, but no direct food that was made. I know we could have soup or something, but we ate out of a can for lunch. He had gotten some Beefaroni that is a left over enjoyment from growing up. Maybe my mother didn't know how to cook, or rather chose not to do it often, but we did make do out of this particular can and that sense of security still shines now. Ok, be it more special to us than you. But, again stepping into another perspective, right?

Ok, enough of that.

I don't want to put all the weight back on, but I should get something for tonight and tomorrow. So, do I go Chinese or Italian? I think that is pretty much the extent of our delivery options. Yup, yup you can be sure we're not going out again. I would like to get out again though tomorrow for the gym. We felt really strong today with the music. We pushed her up to 2.6 most of the time, and then did the last 3 minutes at 2.8. That's pretty good in that we started so much less.

We were a little shaky at the end, but almost ran up the stairs when we got home. Nice! Just don't want to overdue it so going back the next time is overly hard, hmm?

Ok, so ... dinner. Do we have any menus? Might as well go look. BRB

Ok, that is good. We just ordered a medium pan pizza. That should keep us for 2-3 days. Usually when I get pizza I eat it for dinner, breakfast, lunch, etc. I think again we're back to that poor Ann though. We might not have had the same control over food when very young, but it doesn't have to be the same now. Right? I like to get pan or deep dish sometimes when Rich isn't here. I put vegetables on it in contrast to his meat lovers thin crust pizza. Blah!

I don't think it's going to be here for over an hour though. I thought that might happen at dinner time on a Saturday night. Best let those thoughts go for a while. Probably sometime about 6:30 pm.

I wish I had some money so I could order a pizza for Maury too. Been thinking all day of him at that Rummage sale. He's probably not going to have much of a voice left. I think it would be hard to give up all the STUFF that you've put together as your life. I saw something in FB about furniture, gym equipment and all that sorta stuff going. I hope he was able to keep Thom's table and not sell that. I don't think he would because he didn't want to see Joe selling it, but then Maury's couches and gym equipment was Thom's too and that was all slated to be sold. The kids have all had their ups and downs in life. I guess we could think of this period as they are cleaning up their old messes. You know - like in starting fresh. I feel bad though in thinking of the girls are going through this with the adults. I don't know if they are selling toys too, but I can't imagine they are going to keep all of them. Probably he'll sell the marbles too. It's one of the few things we got for the girls. It's ok. I hope it brings them much needed income.

Best to let all that go. If he wanted me involved he could have asked.

I think we went through something earlier when thinking of the boys. I don't think I could go as far as calling them a big disappointment to me, but there are times I really regret the relationship I have with them. I don't think I deserve what I'm getting from them. But, then how couldn't that be the case. There's this part of being a mom that puts your children raised above you. I'd give my life for the boys without a doubt. But, I don't know how to deal with the hurt of being so estranged. Even with Maury living here on his off-days when he can't find a better place to lay his head. He doesn't ever sit down. He goes from the door to his room, and from his room to the shower and then back out the door. It's as if there was something so wrong with us that he can't even afford to have a conversation. It hurts.

We have to keep putting those kinds of thoughts out of our minds though because they are not productive. And, having those kinds of thoughts gives the boys proof that we are draining them.

Sometimes I look at people in all kinds of relationships whether real life or on TV. I don't understand what I would have had to do or yet to do to get my boys to have normal conversations where they call me up or let me call them just to say ... hey how the hell are you doing? Would you like to drop over, or can I drop over? I don't understand the hardship that I'm presenting them.

This isn't getting me any further though. I feel like I'm butting my head up to a brick wall. I don't see it getting better. It doesn't seem to matter if the boys have other friendships, love lifes or not. Anything seems better than settling into some kind of relationship with them that be comfortable with me.

How do I not feel like the biggest loser? Ok, stop, stop. THE END, k? Time to go on or you are going to have to stop writing!

Ok, ok ... I get it. Just don't know how to get rid of the aching. The desire for just the ... OK ... we're WARNING YOU!

Ok, like you thought THAT wasn't going to get erased?

Best we take the anger out of our system at the gym, k?

Is someone feeling a little bad for being alone this weekend? I think its been a while since we've had so much time left to our own devices. There is a real Earthy place that wants to be by myself. Thinks this is my REAL life. But, I don't know if I could say that it isn't with anger that I say it. It was sorta like when I lost my husband. I remember standing in the bathroom to my lower apartment. I think we'd been going through suicidal thoughts. I remember strongly the sentiment that I was going to survive in SPITE OF HIM! That's sort of how I feel with the boys. I will survive IN SPITE OF THEM!

Man ... I'm a Mom. Do I really want to be caught with those thoughts? Hey ... weren't we going to stop those thoughts?

I don't know how we can feel so good and so terrible all at the same time. What would it take for a person on the outside of our minds to understand our conflicts? We've been wrestling all day with suicidal thoughts and feelings. Just nicking the corner of our brain. There's absolutely nothing wrong with our life. But, here we sit agonizing with our thoughts. I think it's different parts of our being that are finally having a chance out. I guess that not all of us feel as strongly going forward.

Ok, what's on the negative and what's on the positive. I can see the boys are definitely on the negative. Rich is more a neutral. We really need to take breaks from each other ... I need to find our minds and he wants to share himself with the guys. I'm trying to believe CS is a positive. I'm really happy about her quilt progress. I don't feel very much a part of all that now. I think from talking to Dr. Marvin I realized that I was causing her angst. Basically, he said we didn't do anything wrong, but that CS puts a lot of stock in the quilts as being a good thing she can gain self-esteem from ... and then there I was.

I pushed her ... it isn't my business to do that. I thought that we were collaborating. But, then we saw her defenses go up and she's grind the work to a stop. That really pissed us off so we pushed back. It was like then just give us the sewing machine and we'll do it ourselves. I know that really made her defensive because she's also big on materialism. I figured that taking a break this weekend would be a good deal. I'm feeling frustration with it though I know in my higher minds that its just a relationship type issue that we are just both facing in dealing with each other. I knew I had to give her over to her other accomplishments and also over to Carol which is tough, but I know that she is CS closest friend.

I'm pretty sure they were going to be discussing my situation fully. Carol would be inquisitive and feeling left out with us there so much and she would be sensitive to put slivers between us. It's just the type of person we figure her to be. We had watched what she did to CS in the relationship to Mark. I remember that whole deal of backing away. Our primary relationship is with CS. CS threw mark under the wheel in expecting and manipulating that I be there with him without her, so she could be pissed off about that too. Uh -uh ... not going there!

The collaborating point of view is that we'd work together. If she doesn't want to or can't do that. I should probably put the work aside. I don't know if she would ever want to go there, but I'm not going to fight it over the importance of the relationship. For me it had given us a way to share ourselves with each other. If it's so important to her that she'd sabotage the efforts, then we'll back away. And, if she wants to cradle going back into the manipulations of Carol, then fine. We don't need that, won't take it. I've got enough relationship issues of trying to be ok in my world.

I seem to be settling for the relationships in FB as being enough. I don't need anyone to come over. Why the hell would I want to share a pizza with someone? ACK!!!! What the fuck are we doing to ourselves? What's going on? Why are we having such negative paranoid type thoughts? Hmm, thinking that we might want to not wait so long before having our medicine. I know that we took it this morning. Rich would probably be asking by now if we hadn't taken it. Yes dear. We're on time.

I'm feeling pressured for time off and feeling that I feeling the force of CARF and Annuals in that I have to be back at work on Monday, but I don't seem to be relaxing. I've had the whole day to myself and we're still on the edge. We even did the gym. SOMEBODY enjoyed that? We're still listening to the music. I know that somewhere we enjoyed that. Why is it so hard now then to have positive thoughts. Am I the depressed part that is bringing us down. Again ... we're feeling that words suicidal. What the fuck is going on with that?

Why are we feeling so much pressure toward that direction? Maybe we are just feeling a sense of abandonment. Dr. Marvin had made us wait the extra day for the appointment, Rich is gone, the boys are never here, we have no friends, we've dismissed our sister. Shoot there's no one left but us and we're sure as hell no good to anyone including ourselves. Man this feels like a fucked up rabbits hole. Why are we being so negative?

Ok, let's say that it is some sense of abandonment. What would get us out of there. How could we respect that some of us in the system are going through it - so in a sense leave a marker, but just for going back to Dr. Marvin.

Just played around for a bit fiddling with one thing or another. We are now listening to Enya. We figured it was time to slow it down a bit. I'm starting to really feel hungry, but it is about 6:30 pm, so probably any time now. Trying to put blocks in our head to make things feel a little more safe. I last left off with a thought that maybe we could leave a message on Dr. M's voice mail. I don't want to be having this problem though. I think if there's some way I could just will it away that would be the thing to do.

We're having flickering thoughts of knives and pills. Shoot, shoot this is like giving it attention. I don't want Rich to call us and for us to tell him that we aren't handling being on our own and that he might have to give up something to make us safe. That would be like insane. I have to be able to be on our own. We're just going through something left over from where we were with Dr. Marvin yesterday, right? We'll feel better with a pizza and we might have to stop writing.

We're back again. It's now just after 8:30 pm. We've been relaxing on the couch or rocker for a while. We ate too much pizza ... well 1 1/2 pieces as much as stayed down. We then watched a CNN special with Anderson Cooper and Dr. Gupta on Afghanistan. We started watching Larry King with Judge Judy, but we'd caught the majority of that interview before. I didn't want to here it enough so that we got up and am back at the writing again. I turned on some soft nature/guitar music - new age and I'm really hoping that Sir Sweetie Pie is going to call soon. It was a rough spot earlier. We've been able to stop those kinds of thoughts, but am not sure if I'll do ok with it now back at the keyboard.

I find I have needs to be communicating and we had thought that the devices would be charged up now enough to use for a while. Again just wanted to slow down the music and that's gone well. We did take our medicine a while ago too ... pretty much after our stomach settled down from the pizza. I had ordered a vegetable, but I didn't know they were going to put in spinach. Yeeks that turned out not to be such a good deal. I might have to suffer through it not to waste the pizza, but I'm not real heavily into that stuff. Kind of a mean trick to include it in a REGULAR vegetable pizza ... I was thinking more green peppers, onions and mushrooms.

Hmm, the kitty just came over to lay down by my calves. That would then have to be Chief. Earlier he'd fretted around until he'd gotten in a comfortable position of laying on my chest against my neck. I think they really crave time we're not spending with Rich, because if he's around chances are he's getting petted and cuddled more than them. They are now making up for lost time.

I'm not sure if we're really up too much with writing into the evening. We don't really want to give up the day to going to sleep, but then again, we're not really in a space that we're thinking overly much. Relax, right? Do we have a set of thoughts that involve that? What do we think about when we don't have to think about anything?

We might just do some of the quilting tomorrow even after mental reservations to not do that until things settle down for CS and us. But, then just now we looked over to a little stack of remnants and we had the longings to go back over so we could be touching the material again. It's a little too dark and late now to be going into it right now.

Shoot, shoot, isn't sweetie pie going to call? I'm thinking they must have gotten into a card game and it's going to be too late for him to call when he gets a chance unless he's losing and going to bow out of the game early.

We kept getting interrupted due to texting with CS. She's wrapping up her night. It really wasn't a bad interruption, but the phone is connected to the headphone too, so every time I get a message the music is interrupted. I decided to turn it back to some 60's pop music station. I reconfigured the applications somehow with the last download, so I decided to reset the bottom part ... I was pretty close to knowing how to do that. :) You just hold down the application you want to bring down to the bar. So I left the music which get's me to the podcasts I listen to so much and then I put on it Rhapsody and Ambiance the one I usually listen to for my white noise. I also left on the one to iTunes. That's just too handy yet. I let go of the photos to the regular group and I had an empty hole. I didn't remember I knew how to do it til tonight.

Ok, moving on ... remember writing a long time ago looking for content too. I'm still trying to skirt around the suicidal thoughts. We're not actively planning so that's a good sign. I know that if it gets worse, I'll put a message on Dr. M's phone. He probably won't get it until Monday, but I don't want to do that unless it gets worse. Little things like holding out for hunny bunnies call seem to be making a difference. I don't want to give him a bad report that we're not doing well enough without him. I don't want him to worry when he gets an opportunity to get away.

We did good. Took a shower and did the gym and it wasn't like pulling an arm and leg ... that's good, right?

I'm a little fidgety. It probably be good to put ourselves to sleep, but if Rich knows he's waking us up he'll cut off the phone call extra short. We don't want that. Poor kitty keeps getting moved. I was warm so I took off the blanket, but Chief doesn't realize how warm he gets sitting on my feet. He looks a little put off now. Ok, he said ... it's not going to be a crisis.

Am I afraid to think? Things we've been talking about seem more like housekeeping items. Hmm, if Rich still calls he's going to want me to go to bed in the bed. How are we going to get past that. Ok, focus. What is that we want to think about that would give us some peace. If we're not thinking categorically like we were in Dr. M's office what would we think about? Do we have any fun thoughts that are different than therapeutic.

The music is nice. Maybe that's ok too that we just be listening to the music? It's ok, we don't have serious thoughts? We're driving ourselves a little crazy here. Trying to figure out who I am without others. Am I anyone?

I should probably be watching a movie or something to get my attention off of where we're at, but I don't want to be up all night. I'm sorta looking forward to ending this day and waking up with a new day fresh. I don't think Rich is going to be back until very late tomorrow because he had to drive about 7 hours and they won't start back until 1 or 2 pm.

Shh babies. It's going to be ok.

WooHOO! We got to talk to Rich. He said that he was going to go to bed too. We talked over the day a little. He was happy that we went to the gym and he said that he probably wouldn't be able to walk as far as me, but I know he could. We did end up telling him about having the bad thoughts and he said like we said he would. He doesn't want to have to worry about me when he goes. I told him about getting the music and he seemed happy enough about that, but we didn't talk about it a lot.

He caught two fish and Bob didn't catch any. I was glad that he did ok, but I feel bad for Bob. BUT, I don't have to worry about Bob's emotions like I have to worry about Rich's, right?

posted by Ann Marie @ 9/13/2009 04:45:00 AM Comments: 0

When this ended we went way into regressed :(

Good morning. This is me and it's now Labor Day. It's about 9:30 am. We're done with the last phase except the bathroom. Hmm, maybe I better get this done right away. Hold on.

Ok, we got that done too. Just a second of organizing ... had to make sure that anything on top of the counter belonged there. I'm feeling much better about the place now. Rich is still picking up in the back, but it is his stuff. I've cleaned off the surfaces and floor of the living room, kitchen, bathroom and as much as I could of the bedroom. The rest is Rich's stuff. He's also broght down a load of clothes and we'll help him there when it comes up. I'd like him to do the vacuuming in here before I start my next project for sewing. It feels better in here when things are picked up.

We've had a very busy weekend. We went to Rich's Mom's place on Saturday and CS's yesterday. It was a bit of driving, but not too much. We got into taking pictures on both trips. They're posted on Facebook. I don't know if anyone is patient enough to go through them, but they mean something to me. It's like the whole trip is locked into my mind from a pictorial view. I think most of the time we're taking pictures Rich is pretty quiet and I'm pretty absorbed. I'm looking for things with the slightest of discrepencies, plus there is some things I go back to fairly often. I like taking pictures of overpasses, electrical wires, and varieties of houses and farms.

Maybe this is going to get old after a while, but for the time being I'm really enjoying having the camera and I love how much easier it is to load FB rather than the blog. Times like now I'm still appreciative of the blog as a centering devise, but for pictures - FB is the best. I'm hoping that the older stuff on FB isn't getting lost. I'd still like the idea of having a chronology that lasts forever, but this might just be a little bit of my obsessiveness. We're working on it.

Most of the time at CS was pretty good, but there were a few things that had frustrated us. I think that right now I'm a bit more into the quilting project where CS had legitimate other things that had to get done and held priority over the sewing, but it was hard for me in that we'd gotten there at 10 am and it wasn't until 5 pm an hour before leaving that we got to some place where I had something to do with the quilt process. Mostly I was ironing the binding and quilt for what CS had finally got to sewing together. I am process orientated in that I wanted something to be working on from the start. I really hate to have downtime. Most often I'm listening to CNN I'm doing something like the computer or quilt cutting on the side.

I liked the part where Rich was comfortable enough to take a large part of the conversation when we'd first gotten to CS, but I would have been happier if I'd have something to be working on while the conversation was taking place. I wasn't very much a part of it. I've always like Rich's stories, but I think he dominated the conversation and I think that Mark was enjoying it, but he had a hard time matching up with Rich's quickness and memory. CS tried to interject, but her conversation was of a lesser point of view ... and Rich was talking in a specialist area that didn't allow anyone to do much but listen. I think CS was getting bored, because she's used to fairly dominating the conversation.

Me? I just pretty much listened and watched what was going on. I was so happy that Rich was comfortable talking, I didn't try to interrupt. That was the first thing my sister said after there was a break - Well, I don't think he had any trouble talking after all. Later after lunch when Mark went to work, Rich sat on the couch with his computer and TV and played poker and napped through the next session ... at that point I did most of the listening to CS. She talked about things that we're happening with her and family and things she was working on. That was ok, and I was glad I could give her some time in that area. It wasn't the kind of stuff that Rich would like to listen to, but he was comfortable giving up the floor.

I think it was mostly girl chatter. I couldn't answer anything for CS nor was she asking me to solve the problem. I think she just needed a sympathetic ear.

She took a look at some of the projects that I'd cut out and we agreed finally that the one that was just getting finished was going to be for Joe's wedding - that was the log one that's in deep green's and reds. I thought it should have gone to her because she'd wanted something new for her bed. We've cut out 2 more sets of the same pattern, so she said she'd be willing to wait just to make sure we had Joe's and Cari's done in time. I thought that was nice of her. I think too she wanted to make sure that it got a good backing. She has a lady who does specially that and contracts a business out of doing the backs of quilts. She's quite good and CS has 3 dates with her to do quilts. I think she's really going to try getting out the quilt this week.

It's really a beautiful quilt.

Then after looking through some of the other patterns, she thought we should work on a specific one that had a lot of little pieces in it that surrounded a house. I thought that was fine. But, I recommended that since there was going to be so much ironing that she wait until next weekend when I come up. But, then she's arranged to go to a quilt fair with her best friend. I'm of course invited to come with, but I don't know how long I'll be able to tolerate the noise. I think that I'll arrange to go whereever it is in a separate vehicle so I can leave whenever I need to without getting cranky. That should work, and it will give CS and Carol a chance to talk about the kind of stuff they like to talk about that might frustrate us. It might be good too, but I don't want to get trapped into a situation of doing or listening to stuff I'm not interested in.

I'm pretty sure they have their own set of things they talk about or discuss when they are together. I'm fine with leaving that alone.

I'm worried about being on my feet and I'm worried about losing time to the quilt project that i'm most interested in. I think that if CS is going to be on her feet all day that she's going to be too tired. I'm presuming at this point we're going on Saturday, but I'm not sure of that part. I think more than 2-3 hours is going to be too much for me.

Looking on the positive side, I am interested in what's being done out there in the field. I might have to leave my credit card at home. I think it's a good introduction to the field - I'm just worried about the number of people and noise and busyness that we'll be subjected to. I am going to have to get a grip on it and maybe take an extra anxiety pill. *Sigh*

I had a hard time yesterday in that CS added last moment that Nathan and Dani would be coming with us to lunch. To be fair, she had text messaged it, but I hadn't picked it up. We've explained before that we are not closely attached to the text messages because we have so many coming in from CNN and we just don't want to be that tied to something controlling our time. Pretty much we'll look at it when we can, but it's not uncommon to have over a hundred messages before we look at it.

It was very frustrating too in that I tried to get a sense of when we were going out to lunch and when Mark would have to leave for work, but she was dancing around it not telling me exactly what the plans were. You know me enough with Rich where I just want to know when I have to be at the door and then we'll be ready and we can as a multiple system plan our needs around it. But, then all of a sudden we were being rushed and told we had to be leaving in exactly a certain time. We learned that when Mark was suggesting that he and Rich go to the store. I don't know why that was important, but all of a sudden CS was pushing her agenda still with not saying that Nathan and Dani were going to be waiting at a certain time.

After listening to it enough ... I finally fairly demanded to know why we had to be at the restaurant by 1 pm exactly. That's when she finally told me. She probably has a fairly good grasp on this kind of stress it adds to our system, because I hate to be manipulated. She starts out with I'll be paying for it meaning her, but that's only part of it ... I just don't like surprises because it doesn't give our parts enough time to adjust and it leaves me feeling very out of control to be told what to do, or my choice in the events taken away.

I was pretty riled up by the time we got to the car. There was a question about which car to go in, but by then I knew that we needed a separation. I needed to decompress. Poor Rich got the worst of it. I was pretty adamently complainy. And, I'd been upset because my sister was showing so little decorum as to her body presence in front of Rich. She sat ackwardly on the chair presenting herself outward and found occasions in general, and when petting the dog and then brushing him, and then working over the computer, to be flashing her cleavage out. By that I mean she was wearing a low cut shirt and kept bending herself forward onto Rich. I don't know if she conscientiously knew what she was doing, but I was being very repulsed by it.

I think too at one point she saw that I'd been pretty strongly petting one of the dogs. I was trying to release some of the pressure that I was feeling, but then she came toward me over the same dog by dragging her chair forward. I don't know how this sort of thing works, but I was terrified and needed immediate distance and I couldn't back out of it so was fairly paralyzed and in a shocked state where all my senses were flashing danger.

I think some of the feelings I was feeling was a run-off from my mother. I remember years where she wore the same low cut shirts as to be showing cleavage ... this always repulsed me. Where it is perfectly normal for me to want to walk around naked it is something done in private. Even when wearing a swimming suit I am very conscious of trying to be discrete in things such as forwarded my body on others. I try to stay covered up. Maybe I'm just a prude, but I think this kind of stuff is loaded into the past somewhere of abuse.

I know that it takes a concentrated effort to get past the hugs, but this kind of stuff is just hard and will have to be discussed with Dr. Marvin. I know from what he says that whenever I'm feeling this extra kind of emotion especially as to a crossing of boundaries then I'm somehow living in the past and we need to get past it. It is all of the same family where Dr. Marvin knows that we need to stay on the other side of something even with him. We still have the same problems of being too close to him just when he opens the door for us coming and going.

This last time he was still talking to us when we got to that too close point of getting to the door "with" him. And, like yesterday we were blocked out from being able to converse or focus on any thoughts and were being arrested in terrifying emotions. I think I'm going to leave it for now and hope that it doesn't come back too much until I get a chance to see Dr. Marvin on Friday. The appointment has been changed this week.

Hmm, I just thought that we had pictures of the day yesterday especially with the quilt that hadn't been put on Facebook. There ... we're done there. CS had a chance to look at them and Benita a MarineParent peer looked at them already. Cs put up a note that it was finally good to have it done, but I'll feel better after it goes up North and finalizes it all together. I don't know when Joe and Cari are going to get married, but I'm hoping that they like it. I feel good in that I did so much work on it with all the cuttin and most of the ironing. CS did of course, all the sewing and the finishing will be sent away. But, that's pretty much like a homemade family quilt.

I still haven't taken off Joe's necklace that he had made for my birthday ... It seems in this family that homemade means a lot ... at least from me and hopefully Joe is getting that same sense. I knew that when he was at my Grandmother's funeral he had seemed to show that sense of pride. I think he has it in him. I think due to his efforts at crafting that he has more respect for it than his brothers' have learned. Not to cut them down ... just Joe has learned this different value that runs strong in the family.

Ok, moving past there. We just finished helping Rich with the clothes. We did the load that is my colored stuff. There's usually that load and one for Rich that has to get hung up. Then there's dark socks and underwear and the white load that I usually fold. Rich is still doing the extra work of sorting and bringing up and down the stairs. He had a focus of getting the floors done today. Last I saw him he was in the kitchen. He's trying to take care of his mess on the table and wash the kitchen floor. I would like to get back to the quilt project, but I'll wait til he comes in and does this floor before I take all our stuff out again. Maybe this time I can keep it neater.

There I just put on some smell neutralizer on the carpet floor ... I wanted to get it done before he vacuumed. I hope it helps ... if it does we'll get it more often, but I think we need something more for the cat smells. We'll see maybe when we get money in the account again ... we'll look on line for something. Maybe if I were real good we would dust too, but I'm not up for that much yet. Maybe in a little bit if we can get it done before Rich comes in. Just not that motivated. Too many shelves.

OK, we're not going to get into this big time ... let's move on, K?

We are progressing somewhere, right? We don't know where we left off and am not sure if I like the thought of going back. Seems like I'm supposed to forget something? No, probably not, just want to be moving forward.

Oh man ... Rich just came in and he's thinking of telling me to do something. We're so way not happy about that! I told him we'd do work, but WE'D figure out what to do and we DIDN'T want anyone telling me what to do. Here he comes again. We just had the discussion again. DON'T ask me to do stuff! I'm not like part of the Captain's ship. I'm a whole person. I don't want to take orders from anyone. Especially when I'm busy! I did everything toward picking up without anyone telling me to do ... I done my part.

Shoot now he's in here and he's going to make noise and cause commotion. This is going to be hard on my nerves again. But I think he pretty much gots it I'm not going to do stuff for him. It's not him exactly, because I know he's doing well over his share, it's just that I don't want anything to do with this part. Hmm, thinking here this is probably part of my background. I used to abhor it when my father would come through and make all us stand around waiting to do this or that or move something or clean the bathroom or whatever. I HATED family cleaning day. YUCK, YUCK, YUCK!

Yep, Dr. Marvin would definitely say this is a loaded situation. What did he say ... something about I got to separate the past from the present. I'm not sure how to do that. Maybe I gotta focus on this being Rich making all the vacuuming noise and not my father. Blah, blah! I'm trying very hard not to cry. I sure hope he doesn't ask me to move ... Shoot, shoot ... why do we keep going through this ... I hate to be alive when it comes to this kind of stuff. It shouldn't be so hard.

Ok, we're trying to chill. Trying to watch the vacuum move back and forth and not hurting anyone. CAT just stormed out of here trying to pretend he wasn't next to death too. Oh oh ... he's moving the big rocker. Oh man now he's moving the table. I really don't like that

posted by Ann Marie @ 9/12/2009 11:03:00 AM Comments: 0