Ayn's Multiple World

Trying to get through a hard day emotionally ... need to read between the lines

Hi … this is us, but it is in the afternoon. We’re going to try doing this again, but maybe a combination of things to get us started. We’ll add some audio maybe too down the line, but for now we’re just getting our feet wet again and we’re also waiting on some lunch. It’s Tuesday July 3 @ about 12:47 pm.

Pswhoo … good lunch, but absorbed too fast … We are coming back to reality. The first thing we figured we should do is pay some bills. I think we have about $38 in the account after we sent money out. We paid - $50 dentist, $50 dentist surgeon, $50 comed, $395 car, $870 rent, $50 hosp, $50 Social Security, $68 Sprint, $22
Walgreens for a total of $1605. We had a few strange things happening this time.

We had gotten first $200 toward our birthday present from fishyman. He gave us cash so we used the money budgeted from our account to pay medicine – about $160 toward clothes on the second check, but actually used the $200 cash to give us a little spending and to pay for the medicine. It should come out even in the end. We deposited our check for the first of the month, and we deposited a second check for $327 for a refund from Sr. charging too much for dentist insurance over the last 10 months. $100 of that went back to fishyman for a gift to his Sports Pro store, and the balance was added to the money towards clothes … so basically, we had Rich’s $200 plus our balance of $227 giving us $427 for clothes and we spent $459.56. So we figure we’re all pretty good with that plus fishyman might get that new rod he was looking at … woohooo!!!

The only thing I paid short of was the Sprint phone bill. I need to see why that is so high. It was like $130, but I didn’t have that much so I paid about half. I’m not sure where fishyman and us are up to as far as what’s going on for groceries and rent subsidy. I always feel like I’m a little behind, and there is a little toward whether or not I’m doing anything for a couple hundred toward working for him.



That’s my thinking face trying to figure out stuff. I don’t think I owe fishman anything, it’s a matter now I think does he owe me something. I know that he wants me to do something with a grant potential we’d seen, but we were pretty firm that he would have to buy the grant materials first. He ordered them toward his business account and mail box, so we’ll have to wait on that until he gets back. We are about 80 pages or 22% remaining of the book we are reading on binging. I’ve gained a lot out of it, but with my inability to recall will skim through items in the book again. It is one of the best I’ve read lately toward general psychology and it gives enough information to be considered coursework credible. The extra food that we’ve gone overboard was that yesterday we stopped in town for a big breakfast after Dr. Marvin’s and the day before we stopped again in town for a seafood salad submarine. Granted one was breakfast and the other dinner, but the problem is they were foods we didn’t plan on ahead and shouldn’t have gone out for or spent extra money for … case in point we have $38 in the account. That is putting us dangerously low. We just had a fishymans frozen dinner for lunch too, we probably should have saved that for dinner. Maybe then we’ll have some oatmeal, because there are only 3 meals left. That should be Wed, Thurs, & Fri. I’m not sure what we’ll do with Saturday night, because Rich could be coming home late. I think though that we have $10-12. That was money earmarked for buying fruit. We have to have enough courage to go outside again. We also used some of the money to prepay for clothes at the cleaners that we really have to pick up between 7-11 pm tonight.

Hmm, I think that is about where we are for the official stuff. Because we could pay for the bills including the big stuff of rent and car, we are feeling pretty good about ourselves. We know if there was a real bind where to go for help money, but I see no reason we can’t make it until the next round. The hope though is that Rich owes us a couple hundred so we can pay for gas and parking at Dr. M’s … we won’t be able to eat out again until after the 15th. We did just pay for gas and have a full tank, so we should be ok.

Pshwoo … time for a break … we just went around the house and did a pick up venture. We folded some blankets, straightened pillows, cleaned off our desk, put dishes in the dishwasher, tied up some garbage and stopped by in the washroom to swish out our toilet. Rich said yesterday on the phone that he hadn’t talked to Bob about me and that it would be awhile before he could come over, but we’re hoping for it anyway. We did tell him where we lived in case he wants to bust in! With our without company, we are going to try keeping the house always no more than 5-10 minutes away clean. 5 would be better, but we’d have to do better in our bedroom with extra clothes and in keeping the computer table cleaned. The house as she stands this moment could be ready if someone were to walk in. Swishying the toilet was important for that. *Silly grin*

We also got one last cup of coffee. One of the things we were doing when we weren’t able to do much else was looking at some fishy pictures. We had seen one place advertise for house boats and we thought man oh man … wouldn’t it be nice if one day I could go with fishyman and his friend to Canada for a houseboat trip. I’ve been on one in my life when I was 10 years old. There were too many people on that trip – 11, but 3 or 4 could be pretty darn neat. They would have a separate boat that would attach to the back to get some serious fishing done, which would leave me … and if Bob wanted to bring a girl friend too some time to sunbathe and read. I’d have to have a computer with me too, so that might mean taking one from work. I know Rich is iffy about us using his. I don’t know why this would seem such a good vacation, but it does include me and Rich and his best friend. That would mean a fishing buddy and a lover all wrapped up in one package deal. WooHOOO. I could just see all the islands that we might run through nakedly. Well, of course Rich and us could sneak off on boat trips too! Just have to have the extra gas. I’m pretty sure I could figure out how to handle the woods scene. I’d still have to worry about insects. From what I remember of that one trip was that there were flies and mosquitoes. Hmm, better rethink this. Maybe we could get some kind of defense that puts barriers between us and them? Hmm, well ok … maybe at least bug spray. YEEKS! Have to be able to do it without complaint. Hmm, maybe Rich will have to take us out to test the theory of it being done first with just ourselves.

We’d have to set our mind to things being ok … like taking us out to the beach with flies. Just need to get a grip on it.

I think we got some time here with the last one, but you can see how my mind is drifting. I was a little disappointed to think that Rich was going to make this meeting Bob turn into a drizzle. I don’t know why though it is important for me to meet him and spend time with him. I do know that it is important that someone love lover bunny as much as I do. I’m sure too that after 14 years of hearing Bob stories without getting to meet him has had some affect. The same would go toward his family of kids, mother, and brother. I am going to keep it positive and not think that Rich is embarrassed to bring me out in front of company. I think there is some discomfort there though in that he couldn’t control how a relationship might develop. I think too that Rich is worried about Bob hurting our feelings. And I’m no good on holding secrets or mushy talk. I think it must seem like more mediation work that he would have to do. I see him negotiate between his family members and friends. I don’t think anyone gets together too often. I think Doug and Rich spent time alone when they met at his house or Doug’s and the same for Bob’s. I don’t know if Bob goes out with Doug, but I can’t remember the last time I heard them all three get together since the last big fishing trip. From what I can see the kids don’t get together very often nor do they talk to one another often. Most the time conversation goes through primarily Rich and his youngest son who has become spokesman of the wife. We’re not going there though.

So…

Back to us and Bob. Ok, so beside he’s my sweeties best friend and I’ve only been able to listen to him talk about Bob … what else could be causing Rich grief. Again let’s go past the part where we could be an embarrassment to him, or that he feels he would have to protect us and protect others from us. The last part protecting others from us could come in the form that others may need to know that we have multiplicity and with that general stability issues. I think that feeds back to embarrassment in that it reflects poorly on him for being with someone who is as needy as us. I’m not sure about the part of shaving for example. Rich said something way back ago that as I lose weight I may find myself wanting to do it again. But, truthfully, I don’t want to go there. I’m thinking maybe just that space between ankles and knees, but if I start it will stimulate the growth. I like the European version the best. I continue to wear short sleeves and long skirts and dresses.



This is really me being just the way I am. Please let’s not get into how very odd we must seem to others. I look now at our face and think what must they think. I know there is size, but then again I recall something from the book that most people are thinking of themselves and so what the other person looks like is basically immaterial. The thing though is that I would like Rich’s friend and even someday family to like me. Do I have to switch being the rough cut jewel that I am to be accepted by them? AHA! Now we are into it. We are worried about being accepted.

I could easily see this going the way that often we are sensitive about being rejected. I wonder if Rich would feel rejected if one of his didn’t like me. Like would he have to defend poor comments? He says though that the kids haven’t said anything negative and I doubt Bob has either. I know in general Rich hasn’t hung too closely around his best friends girls. I think it might have been different with Doug’s first wife, or maybe she was second. I know that he worked with one and she was shot in a hold up. After that I don’t think Rich really got to know them.

Even when Bob was dating regularly … he’d met the woman only a few times. He wasn’t invited to the private wedding and I don’t think he knew of the divorce til later.

I don’t think any of them hung around his wife too much. It all seems sort of sad to me. In our family couples got to know each other. I’m not too happy with my mother, but she did try to be with the people that my dad was with. I think due to the divorce though that each of his friends acknowledged that they never liked her.

His friends and family did like Sandy his second wife. It’s just that I’ve got ideals of people stopping over on Saturday morning and having coffee as plans were made. It doesn’t mean I’d have to be with Rich and his buddy all or even most the time, but I would like the feeling that I were as human as the others. It is hard always feeling as if you need to be hidden. It plays on ones sense of self confidence in being accepted in the world.

Another thing that we would have to consider is that maybe being in a role with Bob or Doug that maybe it would change the relationship he holds with the guys. Maybe he doesn’t want to share them, or maybe he doesn’t want to share me. I don’t think either side is bad?! I don’t think he thinks I will like him less when I see him with Bob. I have to think too of the feelings of am I trying to steal his friend or his relationship. I would like to think not, but have to admit, I am so excited about the thought of getting to know him. Maybe too it is getting to know Rich with anyone. The only one he has agreed to meet from my life was the one meeting with my friend Pat at the local restaurant, but that was about 12 years ago. I think he did that more out of protection than anything. She was a stranger to him flying in from Virginia Beach, but what would happen if we could deepen our relationship by adding another into it. Would it be something negative … is that what he thinks. We have spent time together around others like the people at work now or back when I used to work at JVS, but no one knew us as close intimate friends. It was always that he was the boss and now in assuring us that it will be a long time to meet Bob again … I feel again the underling who was not in the league of meeting the other critical players.

Seriously, I think that Rich does probably have something to lose in that he is very secretive of his relationships and I’m thinking now that Bob is more open than Rich and I think between them they talk more in male code, which means very little discussion and a lot more action. With me on the other hand … most often when we talk he is disarmed in that he’s laying naked and we’re massaging him. I would hope he’s not worried that we could lose this. I would hope that he has this much trust in his best friends. I figure the worst that could happen is that one or both of us don’t like each other, in which case we’d say … eh – what Rich does in his free time. I would think though that I’d go out of my way to be happy with the friends.

I think there is something also in the fact that Rich is not always comfortable with us being seen as a couple. Sure at work, I could see this as necessary, and now I see it also due to the legal battle he’s in. But, what or how does Rich feel compromised with us. I know, I know … we’re just friends. BUT intimate! That means there is SOME kind of in-depth relating? Isn’t there? This is driving me bonkers.

If anyone should be worried it would be me. I remember also with my ex that we had gone out with couples, but that the couples we knew – were his friends first so I knew no one when I got started again. There were just a few in reality, because most of his college friends went their separate ways. But, the ones that were important were Tom and Mickey, John and Ann, and then later Tom and that other lady who was a multiple too. I can’t remember her name, because she’d scared us and we ran and hid under a table. Something to do with her killing or being thought to have killed someone. I just didn’t want to get involved and I remember thinking that the guy was a pompous ass.

See now that’s something we could run into … one of either Bob and us thinking lesser of the other … and then the thing about jealousy … that could go a zillion ways. But, couldn’t we out loud work through our differences and feelings? Even without knowing Bob, or him us, we have feelings and thoughts about the other. Then too, what must Bob think in that we’ve been hidden so long and his friend had not thought enough to mention that fact. Again with the negativity – is he embarrassed of our relationship? Shoot … I don’t like that that I always have to come up with so many negatives.

Woohoo. Guess what, guess what. The UPS guy was here and the lady didn’t hear that I was here, but took the package for me. It was some of the new clothes we’d ordered. The outfit that was sand colored. I left on the sweater, tank and skirt to get used to it. There is no doubt that it fits around us, but it will take some time to figure out that we are going to be ok in it. It feels extremely comfortable. I’m still not adjusting to the part where we have a head that sits on our shoulders. It doesn’t feel like mine. We’ll give our back a break from trying things on and then we’ll go look again. I hope it turns out ok, because we are very horrible at sending things back. It was strange too to put on the pants. It didn’t last real long, but I could see handling them. It’s just that we’re so big. Hmm, went out to look … stopped by 3 mirrors. We tried wearing the tank differently. I like how it takes emphasis of waist, but it’s harder to keep the skirt where it belongs. Might have to wear something to fix that. Plus, there should be something on underneath the top half. Something too has to be done to our hair … like showering it? Hmm, I know I know … we’re not seeing anyone … BUT! There is still the laundry pick-up, remember? SHHHHHHHHHH… I know I know … was just saying though … tralalala … not listening! Hmm, this is the one Rich might not want to take out!

Umm, she said something mean … we’re not typing it.

Do you think someone should call Dr. M? Cuz someone is out that looks like that.

Hmm, you want to take another look at the pretty dress? A little smile? Better!

Let’s see, k?

Ok, deep breath … it will be ok. Let’s not wish for more top to fill it up, but less bottom to round it. Hmm? Hehehe ok, don’t be silly now! We still like it.

Woo HOO We’re keepin it! We’ll have to argue out the points of being tucked in or out. It has a nice library lady look about it. It’s the kind of clothes they wear and we like. Sister is going to be happy with this one, we think … maybe Rich won’t think it’s so sexy, but we can try to woo him over? Dress just needs some breaking in. It’ll be ok, we can look a little different can’t we?



Ok, we took a little break there to reread. I think things are calm again, but we’re not looking to shake the boat. And, as to Bob … we’ll have to let that go until Rich is ready, but there may be a little investigating around the corners. We want to know why his two best friends can’t meet. HMPF! Maybe because we’re enough to handle on our own.





I don't know about you ...

posted by Ann Marie @ 7/04/2007 07:26:00 AM Comments: 1