Turn here to a Neurotic Person
Good morning … this is me taking some serious whacking first thing of the day …
Well, to be honest we’ve been up for a while. We were just doing some on line reading. We read through yesterday’s long entry, and then went through another long entry from last year. Funny thing … we were doing a paper then too. How strange. Did I learn anything about myself? I did learn something peculiar … I recognize the space from a year ago as if I were living it all over again. We had just finished up the last Spring Fling, and we had the double screen and axim pdr and we’d just gotten the web camera I think, or at least we were taking the maiden voyage of filming our living room. Must have had some time to be figuring it out and getting it on line.
It’s been a good year with the camera I think. I still would like to do more movies and I think we should do some since we are paying for the video … hmm, today? Right now?
Hmm, I am going back to the keyboard now … we’ve turned on the video and just went through a session of pet the kitty. Now he is frustrated with me and has turned his back, as if he’s going to hurt my feelings. Well, either that or he’s thinking about his bedroom in the back and how comfortable it would be to lay out and stretch. AHH that be the life. Ok … now we have to be getting serious sometime.
Is there anything else we can write about or do besides working on our paper? There is a little curiosity; because we like to read over our work, and when we were cleaning yesterday, we found that we’d saved the paper last we worked on it to a hard copy … Kinda itchy to be opening that. Ok, go ahead just peek!
Hmm, we’ve read now our paper into the video and we’ve been over at school … that wasn’t an entirely positive thing. We hadn’t realized the teacher had left a note to resubmit what we’d done so far. We sent it this time through an email rather than the traditional method of going into the room’s assignment section .. If I’ve sent two other copies that didn’t get through, I didn’t want to chance it on a third. Makes sense so far. Because it is a Monday morning and I’m sure she’ll be rebooting up from the week previous, there is a better chance she will see my new email. I don’t like the part where I feel too much that I’m asking her to accommodate me. Her note to me was very short … no chit-chat. Nothing real positive. But, looking to the positive side, then maybe she didn’t get the first really bad copy. Yes, let’s try to keep it positive.
Hehehe fell into talking naturally to ourselves on the video … just fell to thinking that if we saw our friend that we were going to remind him to keep things positive.
And then, we’ll have to do our part too. We can’t afford to get down on ourselves for things we’ve not hit on target. Just need to keep moving on like the Tau down-stream. Things just flow whether or not you are trying to affect it. When you stop then the pressure builds behind you so that you flood over. Yes, ok zen mama.
Hehehe
Hmm, back again. Missy too. We are taking a mini-break, cuz we’re doing some pretty hard thinking. We just finished up some editing work for the time being on the material that we’d already worked on … I know no advancement, but there is something to be learned in bi-lateral movement. I hope to develop internal strength and direction as we go on. Most of the work was done in the area of upward or downward social comparisons. It seemed that we were leading to a point where most downward comparisons were helpful toward self-enhancement where upward comparisons were more necessary for self-improvement. Bi-lateral social comparison assisted us in building self-confidence. I think this has been a very interesting although intense period of redevelopment. I know things made sense as we were collecting, but now we are turning the information into something that is new to previous research. That is because it incorporates work that has been completed plus evaluated from about 20 research articles. I like this sense of newness of thought … hopefully I will come to the conclusion that all is well and why is it that we need to think of these matters.
Over the last parts I found myself wondering how I could incorporate this information toward building a more significant relationship with my lover and internal selves. Often it is the case that he steps into a role of coach.
Although, we haven’t come up with a strict policy against this theory, in practicality it is definitely not always appreciated. I think now looking over my writing this morning it seems as if he often uses downward comparison, not socially, but as negative summations of where we are and from that point an insistence that we progress. Unfortunately, being in that negative state doesn’t motivate us unless we are in a crisis mode. And, even there, I am thinking that it is the looking forward to positive change that encourages us to go forward. Somewhere in here we know we asked last that he encourage as a role model rather than a negative cheerleader. If I want to live in the negative, than I don’t need to go further than our own dark spaces. I think this has been really prevalent with his past session of being sick. It seems that the complaints are getting worse and worse, and that to advance ourselves, we need to look at that total affect, because it is hurting us for him to spend so much of his and our time and energy motivating. I’m not talking about giving up the back massages and babying, but just that for the next time being, I want to stay very focused on what he says that is negative and hurtful, or positive and helpful.
He made a comment this last period of time that scared us, but then prepared us too for some inevitability. Basically, he was telling us that he didn’t want us to rely on him, at the same time he was talking positively about being a family with those he is related to. The first reaction is defensive. We want to think … if that is the way it is going to be … so be it. Then just disregard the work involved in being in a relationship to us and find your support elsewhere. This seems like a terrible idea. He seems to be missing pivotal points in that he is saying he will float toward whichever causes him the least grief. This included melting toward family hood, which of course related to having a wife and mother of children. I’m not sure exactly what to do here, because I can easily see our defensiveness.
Basically, if you don’t need us, then we aren’t going to need you either. Leave me alone. I don’t want to get in a relationship where I am taking care of him if he is not going to help me with my needs in exchange. It scares me though that I want anything to do with a relationship where it is just a matter of getting needs met.
That would seem negative to me. This could be a bi-product, but not the purpose of relating. But, even if I could withdraw my needs for him, it doesn’t mean that he would be able to withdraw his needs from my care. And, that would leave us feeling bitter because he would be taking the time I would need to be healing myself and my conditions. I don’t want to maintain a relationship that is one-sided. Either him to me, or me to him. I may struggle, but I’m not going to be related to out of pity.
Hmm, better step back and reevaluate here. I knew that I was feeling defensive … have I progressed now or regressed … am I making sense even to myself, or am I just being angry and reactive? Perhaps we are now being reminded with purpose of what it must have felt like for the evil witch to be pushed by Gretel into the wood stove.
Ouch!
I’m not sure if we were just thrown over. I have the sense of him needing what it was he found in being a family, more than him needing a relationship to us, because we are being high-maintenance. Why is it that I feel so angry that he might not want to be available to help, where in my anger, I am willing to step into that realm like fine – I don’t need your help at all. I’m thinking that these stark either-ends is probably going to come back and bite me, but still I admit even to ourselves playing the devil’s advocate. I want to know my options. because when push comes to shove, he is optional, I am not.
It’s more than being self-protective in case he decides to jump or sabotage me either because this is what I deserve or because he’s acting out his spousal projections. Maybe it’s like Sr. where he can only afford one good friend at a time. I still with or without him have to face what to do with six loads of laundry. I can take the day or two to get through taking care of the floors, but I still do not have the ability to do the clothes. There is however, one option.
Perhaps, the idea of the chair going to the laundry mat could serve the same downstairs. It would be time away from the computer and the paper writing, but what would happen if I just brought down a folding chair and camped down there from start to finish. It would be efficient and there would be time to rest … and I would just have to then get up the stairs once … I could leave the chair down in my closet, so that wouldn’t be a problem. The biggest problem would be what to do that long away from our computer. And, what time would I go down there on a regular basis that wouldn’t be bothered by someone else. And, if I were going to be using the laundry … should I then call and expect the building to fix the dryer so it could be dried in one load. The problem of the quarters would be a matter of stopping by the bank, so that is a non-issue unless we were talking about doing it immediately today.
Maybe the next step isn’t if, but when … I know that my grandmother had done similar to avoid steps … she would camp out at the laundry and do cross-word puzzles. That would drive me bonkers. My text this semester is going to be on-line provided I go that route, which is most reasonable. So, I have to figure out two things there.
The first is when can I afford to give up computer/school time, and what is it that I’m going to take up during that time. Reading seems to make the most sense. What to read? Seems that it would make most sense that it is something that would be of interest to me for periods of 2-3 hours. The area that interests me most is still self-regulation … hehehe that seems to go hand in hand here. And, this is supported by what I’m reading with social comparison. It seems though that he then becomes a parallel world and we become more independent. We need to look toward ourselves, or perhaps Dr. M. as a model. He would help us set-up anything that we would be doing constructive.
In order of being more independent, we would need to stop asking for help. We can get our own groceries, pay the bills, do laundry and floors. It’s just going to take more/hurt more, but we can adjust. We are going to be unhappy if we go through that kind of effort and he wants us to take care of him too. By this I mean primarily his needs for positivity. I think he can be very goal orientated, but he often complains when things aren’t going his way … I do the same, but am acknowledging that I’m going to need getting a handle on that. I also need to look at the money situation. I need to figure out again how to pay-up my own bills and to get him paid off, so I am again not depended on him. The first reality will be in the cost of food. The second will be the tightness of things all around. Let me look for a second.
This is me again … it’s been a while. Its now about 2:45 pm. I’m feeling kind of down. I called our friend a minute ago. He seems like nothing is the matter and I don’t even know if something is the matter, but he is going to pick us up and go to a forest preserve in a couple of hours. That means I have to be dressed to go outside. While we’re out, I have to mail an envelope and make a stop at the drug store. I have a prescription waiting, I hope and I am going to need effervescent tablets for cleaning the denture. I know more good stuff … it hardly ever ends. I think though that we are supposed to be more independent now so I am going to try pulling up our mood.
We’ve done a lot of work since we were last here. Most of it was financial. We went through about 3 inches of mail, we paid the bills, and did our school loan application.
Ok, not much productive there. It’s now about 4:30 pm and we’re dressed to go out.
Not much improvement on the mood. We’ve got about 10 more minutes to turn it around. Why am I feeling so cranky? Why does it feel a let down to have taken care of ourselves as to home and finances. Are we this petty … why can’t we just behave nice. We told him and had felt scared of him. This last few moments sulking over him making choices of where to go and what to do with our time. We think pessimistically that if we don’t go out, it won’t be until fall until asked again.
I can already hear a whiny voice that I don’t want to be hearing. It’s very tiring always feeling “put-out.” I think this goes back to the other stuff about feeling inferior as a mistress to the wife. Again … we hear, “fine, we’ll be independent.”
While then turning to say … “Yes dear, I will meet you by the car. I will be waiting, waiting, always waiting.” Shit shit shit. Terrible mood has to stop right now. If we are going to be independent … we have to handle our moods too. That means being nice to people, no matter what.
If we’re in a receptive mood he will complain about stuff. I think that’s important I don’t want to hear complaining anymore. If we can write off everything else to being jealous than we can bring it back to this point. How is it we can be together and not be putting each other out. AND, I don’t mean just jumping in the sack.
Hmm, he should be here any moment now … at least some of the frustration has been spent. I feel though that it is a different relationship, or at least maybe I want it to be. I don’t want to take care of his moods, I don’t want to be a depository his crabbing. If we are going to the park, let’s make it a talk about the park or the lightness to the day … If I’m not going to complain … he can’t either … fresh conversation or nothing. Maybe we can make a game of it and it will be fun. I’ve talked about wanting to go out and now here it is. If its just down the block … we’ll have to try harder to be happier. Were is that happy person who woke us up this morning?
Hmm, that was him … we have to meet him downstairs in 5 minutes. This can be ok, please let it be ok. Don’t make me into that soap bar on a leash. Please don’t make me that. Let’s try to hold some of our thoughts from blurting out. Especially the negative ones. Start at an even keel girl … you can do it. If there is a problem … let’s try to do it without whining. No, I don’t want to wait downstairs for 5 minutes. Don’t say because I cannot stand. If he does not know this by now … hmm … really … it just doesn’t need to be said. Be good now. Please don’t let him honk his horn.
posted by Ann Marie @ 3/28/2007 06:42:00 AM
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